Rednecks that make Jed Clampett look like the Duke of Edinburgh.

Holy crap, y’all, I just watched half an hour of the worst television EVER. After reading frightening reviews, recaps and endless buzz about a new show on The Learning Channel called “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” I decided to record an episode tonight to see what the hell everybody’s talking about. It’s even lousier than I expected, featuring a family of redneck Einsteins in rural Georgia, a squealing pet pig named Glitzy who poops on the dining room table and a seriously loud and obese six-year-old — the aforementioned Honey Boo Boo — who requires every dime from the family’s bank account to enter BEAUTY PAGEANTS. Her fancy dresses cost $2,000 each while the rest of them survive on Pop Tarts, ramen noodles and juice boxes. It just can’t get any worse than this.

Watching these clowns interact makes Jed Clampett look like the Duke of Edinburgh. They fart on camera, toilet paper their own house and maybe have a combined fifth grade education if you add all their years of schooling together and multiply by three. In tonight’s episode, June (the mama) and Sugar Bear (the happy dude sitting on the top step who has no teeth) were celebrating their eighth anniversary even though they’re not married. For your possible interest, Sugar Bear is Honey Boo Boo’s father; the three other girls all have different daddies, none of whom married June for reasons that should be obvious. Their big anniversary hoo-hah was dinner for two at a neighborhood cafeteria, where June proceeded to eat chicken fried steak with her hands followed by three desserts. Sugar Bear gave her a large bronze deer statue as a present because they like to pick up dead bucks along the highway for road kill cookouts.

This was 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. From now on I’m sticking with educational programming like “Project Runway,” “Hardcore Pawn” and Andy Hardy movies. Thank you for reading this.