Eatzi’s: the only place to shop for a “couch picnic.”

Guess what we did yesterday. Sam and I both woke up at 5:30 in the morning STARVING so we went to Denny’s for a pre-dawn breakfast adventure, during which Sam ordered a nice little omelet and I had a hamburger. This was almost like being back in college except for the cane propped up against my chair and the fact that we asked for our senior citizen discount.

About 12 hours later we drove into Dallas to gawk at Christmas lights in the Highland Park neighborhood but I think we were a couple of weeks too early because all the houses still looked like Scrooge lived there. So we wound up at Eatzi’s — we love Eatzi’s! — to load up on wonderful Sunday night noshy crap, which included: 1) hummus; 2) Greek olives; 3) a container of unidentifiable yet colorful dip; 4) cole slaw; 5) two kinds of house-made salami; 6) a slab of havarti cheese with dill; 7) a twice-baked potato large enough to be mistaken for sports equipment; and 8) a loaf of rye bread. Items 7 and 8 are Sam’s private property because I’m diabetic and can’t eat 2,500 carbs any more just for fun. (But at least I get to watch.)

The fun here never ends. A few days ago I mentioned my three deadbeat Ovation Creative clients whose credit cards were declined last week for a routine monthly web hosting payment. I emailed first notices and second notices to all of them. One finally responded on Sunday afternoon with a tale about somebody stealing his Visa and using it to shop at Bloomingdales, and then sent a second email five minutes later with a new credit card number ... and that one was declined, too! If this stupid dude wasn’t in South Carolina I’d kick him in the pants. Instead I’ll just add a $2.50 service fee to his monthly hosting payment and continue threatening his life long-distance.

The other two clients are ignoring me. They’ll be sorry.

You know what? I’ve been gypped. I’m searching online for Hanukkah background photos today so I can make holiday cards and almost all of them include pictures of JELLY DOUGHNUTS. Jelly doughnuts? Did you ever get jelly doughnuts on Hanukkah? What the hell? Not once in my entire life did anybody ever give me jelly doughnuts for Hanukkah, and NOW IT’S TOO DAMN LATE BECAUSE I HAVE DIABETES. This sucks and I thought you should know. Thank you.

It’s nearly 7 p.m., and before I run out of time and motivation I think I’d better get busy with all the important projects I’ve been postponing today. Making the bed is included on this list. (Stop laughing. Better late than never, right?)

Shalom.

Bubba wins. Pass the kleenex.

Ah, Sunday! Sam and I briefly thought about going out to brunch this morning but changed our minds at the last minute when we realized it’s Easter and restaurants would be crowded with church people. So instead we had a couple of nice little thunderstorms and watched Bubba Watson win the 2012 Masters in a sudden death playoff, after which he cried like a little girl all over his caddy, his mother, two Augusta National ushers, a groundskeeper, the parking lot valet and assorted fans. We get it, Bubba. You’re happy. Take your green jacket and go home now.

Speaking of thunderstorms ... you might be interested in these amazing video clips of “apocalyptic” hail in suburban Coppell during Dallas’ huge tornado outbreak on April 3.









The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) the town of Coppell; and C) Dallas Fort Worth International Airport, where more than 150 planes were severely damaged by baseball-size hail ... and most of them are still grounded. In case you’re wondering, Mesquite only received teeny hail the size of M&Ms. (The kind without peanuts.)

Late in the afternoon on Saturday following a very juicy nap — during which I slept through most of round three of the Masters — I convinced Sam to take me for a ride into Dallas for our annual pilgrimmage to Eatzi’s, where we loaded up on a carefully-chosen cartful of gourmet whatnots such as chopped liver, ancho chicken quesadillas, a couple of salmon croquettes, apple kugel and marinated mozzarella balls. Yum, damn it!

Eatzi’s is a cross between Whole Foods, Central Market and Bristol Farms. It’s a ritzy little store with free cheese samples and people named Jason and Chad running around in chef hats. You have to be considerably well-off to shop there. I mean, who else would spend $12.99 for a pound of tuna salad. I’m just saying.

And now for something completely different! My brilliant Sam invented crazy soda flavors for me today using my DaVinci sugar-free syrups and an ordinary bottle of cold seltzer water! So far I’ve made banana soda and raspberry soda and both of them were REALLY INCREDIBLE. So I just went to DaVinci’s website and ordered three more syrups — Watermelon, Chocolate and another bottle of Banana so I can’t run out — plus four handy-dandy pumps.

Time to watch the second half of The Ten Commandments, which we recorded last night on ABC. The first half was glorious, cheesy, fun and hysterically theatrical. Part two will include all the really good stuff, such as the plagues of Egypt, Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea and that goofy burning bush. I’m definitely making popcorn. Thank you for reading this.

Celebrate with us.

Today it’s been FOUR YEARS since Sam and I found our home in Texas. It was Saturday and Sunday on Memorial Day weekend 2007, Sam was being transferred, and we were house-hunting in the Dallas suburbs with a really nice realtor named Darrell. By lunch time on Sunday we realized we’d been comparing every house we saw to one perfect house we loved the day before, so we wrote a check to Darrell and bought it. (The house, not lunch.) Here are two photos for your possible interest.

But wait ... there’s more! Because I made a promise to myself and to Sam that I’d never stink up our brand new house with cigarettes, this weekend we’re also celebrating FOUR YEARS SINCE I QUIT SMOKING. I was an addict for 42 years — seriously, that’s NOT a typo — but quitting turned out to be easy and the smartest thing I ever did aside from marrying Sam. My smoker’s cough disappeared after the first two days and I’ve never looked back. All together now: YAY MARCY!

As part of our Memorial Day weekend celebration, tomorrow Sam and I will make a pilgrimage to Eatzi’s, an amazing gourmet market in Dallas’ Oak Lawn neighborhood.

We visited Eatzi’s for the first time the same weekend we bought our house in 2007 and try to go back at least once a year to buy French baguettes and worship at the deli counter. It’s a religious experience.

Incidentally, this is what happens to senior citizens. You get nostalgic about idiotic things like markets, lucky underwear and froggie banks. (You’ll have to ask Sam about the froggie bank issue.)

I’m going to take a shower now and then finally eat some dinner. I warmed up a container of jambalaya a couple of hours ago that I bought yesterday at Costco but the flavor was seriously crappy so I threw it out. Now that I’m finally hungry again I’m considering chicken salad, a bowl of watermelon and an Errol Flynn movie. Thank you for reading this!