Glorioski, I love my life.

In this post: Texas rocks, John Wayne stinks.

While I hang around waiting for Sam to wake up I just read an article on CNN Money about cities where home prices are hitting new highs. Although home values in most markets nationwide are still down about 13% from their pre-recession peaks, housing in seven major cities has recovered — and then some, according to Zillow. And, of the seven cities on the list, FOUR ARE RIGHT HERE IN THE LONE STAR STATE: Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Austin. Holy crap, y’all!

Maybe we’ll go for a ride today. I’ll even wear a brassiere and shoes.

In this post: Quakes, bags, dumplings.

I just read on CNN.com that Los Angeles had a 5.1-magnitude earthquake last night followed by a bunch of smaller aftershocks. The quake’s epicenter was in Fullerton (in Orange County) but shaking was felt all over the region, including the Hollywood Hills, Rodeo Drive, beautiful downtown Burbank and the usual list of snooty stores and restaurants. Also palm trees. Sam and I have a lot of family in L.A. and we both hope you’re all okay and nobody’s bathroom mirror fell off. EARTHQUAKES ARE SCARY.

Today’s hot topic: caulk and grout.

In this post: The Great Dallas Jampocalypse, a grout emergency.

Hi, guys. Before I address today’s hot topic — caulk and grout — I thought y’all might be interested in a couple of photos from a massive traffic jam yesterday in north Dallas ... an event The Dallas Morning News has dubbed the “jampocalypse.” What you see here are the eastbound lanes of I-635, also known as the LBJ Freeway, backed up from a five-car wreck at Skillman Avenue. Cars, trucks, vans and pickups driven by authentic Texas yahoos are seen here headed in two directions on the same side of the freeway, doing wheelies on the grassy knoll (Texans are fond of grassy knolls), attempting three-point turns in traffic lanes and backing up on the shoulders. Being a housebound senior citizen definitely has its advantages.

Dallas has a lot of millionaires, such as the Ewings of Southfork Ranch.

In this post: Sam, millionaires, braunschweiger.

Sam is working late tonight or he would have been home two hours ago. Yes, his hours are insane. If you’re wondering what the hell he does for a living, I’ll simply say that Sam is a senior project manager in the financial print industry, and his job involves helping corporate clients prepare and submit to the SEC confidential transactional and compliance documents related to IPOs, mergers, acquisitions and other fancy whatnots like quarterly and annual financial reports. He also answers the phone.

Dallas has no road salt, one sack of meaningless sand and three snowplows.

In this post: Canadian Mounties, frozen freeways, Costco deals, map pins.

I’ve got big news today, classic TV fans. The “Sergeant Preston of the Yukon” DVDs I ordered from Amazon finally arrived! IN A REAL COLLECTOR’S TIN! Holy crap, this thing is SO DAMN COOL. There are two boxed DVDs inside with five half-hour episodes on each. I thought I’d post a photo in the Howdygram but the flash was creating too much glare because the collector’s tin is actually made of GENUINE METAL — you know, as in very shiny — so I’ll just include a regular picture of Sergeant Preston instead. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about here, “Sergeant Preston of the Yukon” was a half-hour TV series that ran from 1955 to 1958. Was he adorable, or what? Thank you.

The blue crap is snow!

In this post: Snowflakes, jury duty.

I think it’s snowing outside. I’d know for sure if I got off my ass and actually looked out the window, except I’m too comfortable at the moment to get up so I’ll just have to use the following screen shot from Weather.com to make my point. See? THE BLUE CRAP IS SNOW! For the record, we’re expecting less than one inch. (I’m guessing flurries.) The teeny red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the senior citizen in a red bathrobe enjoying an early-morning Marcytini.

We’re experiencing a lovely blast of early spring.

In this post: Flu fatalities continue, spring in Dallas, lobstermania.

I’d like to begin this post with a swine flu update, okay? There were SEVEN MORE FATALITIES yesterday in Dallas County, bringing our current total to 26. Nearly all of these are teens and healthy younger adults … NOT infants, senior citizens or people with crappy immune systems, who are usually the high-risk groups. Personally, I really don’t worry about getting swine flu for a couple of very good reasons: 1) I had a flu shot in November; and 2) I never leave the house.

This is Texas. Y’all are welcome to bring unlimited beer and concealed assault weapons.

I apologize for ignoring the Howdygram all weekend. I was feeling crabby and stressed-out by a variety of world events, a situation that resulted in an inordinate amount of overnight sleep and afternoon naps. It is now just after midnight Sunday night. Sam has already gone to bed and I’m wide awake. Therefore I should probably sneak into the family room to watch last night’s episode (the season finale) of “Mad Men” with a bowl of green olives.

For all you fashion mavens out there I’m pleased to present the lastest in menswear from the European yahoos at London Fashion Week. The designer’s name appears below each outfit.

I’m especially impressed by Craig Green’s exploding gift wrap, J.W. Anderson’s chic snap-on colostomy bag and Nasir Mazhar’s pink terrycloth sock garters with coordinating earmuffs. (I’ve been wondering what to buy Sam for his birthday this month. Which outfit do you think he’d like best?)

The city of Dallas is at it again, still horsing around with plans for “The 50th” in November (see my earlier post). And true to form, nobody’s allowed to breathe the word “assassination” within 25 miles of the city limits. According to a handout from a promotional meeting over the weekend, the mayor is referring to this event as: “A serious, understated and respectful commemoration in tribute to our nation’s 35th president, ‘The 50th’ will honor Kennedy’s life and legacy of leadership.”

Come on, people. If you’re remembering John F. Kennedy’s life, why do it in Dallas? Or to put it another way, if you wanted to celebrate the life of Abraham Lincoln, would you throw a party at the Ford Theater?

Apparently Dallas’ city organizers will do background checks on everybody requesting tickets to the festivities (is there a better word than that?) and have decided that umbrellas, undesirables, extremists and foreign crackpots are banned. Since this is Texas, however, y’all are welcome to bring unlimited beer and concealed assault weapons. Free parking.

Sam welcomes the Obamas to Dallas.

There’s a huge hoo-hah tonight in Dallas because all of our former presidents are flying into town for the George W. Bush Presidential Center dedication tomorrow. Sam called me during his dinner break tonight at work and said swarms of Secret Service, police cars and big black Suburbans were streaming into the Crescent Hotel across the courtyard from his office. The Obamas are staying overnight at the Omni, so the big show at the Crescent had to be for the Carters or the Clintons. Is this exciting, or what?

In case you’re wondering, I didn’t forget. In an earlier post I promised to write a review of Schwan’s pre-cooked, pre-cubed chicken whatnots, and here it is. In a word: I’M NOT IMPRESSED. (Okay, fine. That’s three words.)

These little wads of white meat chicken are very attractive and convenient as hell, but there are a couple of major negatives: 1) they’ve got the texture of a poached mousepad; and 2) they’re insanely overpriced to the tune of $13.11 for 1½ pounds. That last point is especially important when you consider Schwan’s sells a five-pound sack of really beautiful individually-frozen boneless chicken boobies for only three bucks more. Thank you.

When Sam finally gets home from work tonight — hopefully by midnight — we’re going watch Artists and Models (1955) starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, which I recorded a few hours ago on the Retro movie channel.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Artists and Models, believe it or not, because nobody ever shows the old Martin and Lewis comedies on TV ... and I don’t know why! A couple of days ago Sam and I watched Martin and Lewis in The Stooge (1953) and it was HILARIOUS. Nobody does comedy like Jerry Lewis. I adore this guy.

Without a doubt, though, one of my favorite Jerry Lewis shticks is from The Patsy (1964) when he’s in a studio recording “I Lost My Heart in a Drive-In Movie” with three backup singers.

I guess that’s about it for tonight, people. Sam’s on his way home (he just called) and I’m craving pickles, Beanit Butter and chocolate Soy Slender soy milk. For the record, my taste buds are definitely NOT aging very well.

Thank you for reading this.

Tonight’s menu: Practically Spaghetti and Meat Sauce.

Hi, kids. It’s me, Marcy! Remember the $15 lamp I ordered from Wal-Mart.com (see post) a couple of days ago? Sam assembled the silly thing this morning and it’s actually cute. VERY cute. And they even included a free 40-watt CFL bulb, one of those new environmentally-friendly corkscrew things. I’m impressed. When was the last time you bought a lamp at any price that included a free bulb?

There’s a big brou-ha-ha developing here in the Dallas area over a proposal by Texas State Representative Dan Branch to rename an eight-mile stretch of our North Central Expressway for George W. Bush. The backlash, as you might expect, has been nothing short of fierce. As I see it, there are three major arguments against this travesty.

• Argument #1. We already have a huge George H.W. Bush Turnpike (named for Dubya’s father) that’s referred to simply as “the Bush.” I wouldn’t joke about this.
• Argument #2. Dallas recently renamed a major boulevard near Southern Methodist University “George Bush Avenue” because it’s adjacent to Dubya’s new presidential library.
• Argument #3. George W. Bush makes everybody sick, including Republicans and especially me.

Aside from the fact that naming yet another major Dallas artery for somebody named Bush would cause far too much confusion — i.e., “take the Bush to the Bush and go south on the Bush” — plenty of us have a real problem with who it’s being named for. Although Representative Branch insists this would only involve renaming a “small section” of the North Central Expressway, it happens to be the most important section ... an eight-mile stretch through all of downtown and the historical and cultural epicenter of the city. George W. Bush may live here, but we sure as hell don’t have to turn this into a never-ending celebration. Holy crap.

Join the fight — especially if you live in Texas — and sign this petition. Thank y’all.

And as long as I’m into politics and petitions (for a nice change of pace, right?), I hope you’ll sign this petition to encourage President Obama NOT TO CUT SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS. In an effort to spark budget talks he volunteered to include a miserable GOP proposal for “chained CPI,” a program that Republicans like to pretend is a smart solution to Social Security cost of living adjustments. In truth, chained CPI is a serious cut to benefits that hurts senior citizens ... and in case you’ve forgotten, I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN.

At the moment I’m also a hungry senior citizen, so I think I’ll mosey into the kitchen and whip up a big pot of Practically Spaghetti and Meat Sauce. This involves two bags of zero-calorie Miracle Noodles, half a jar of low-carb Bella Vita pasta sauce, hot pepper flakes, two drops of EZ Sweetz (no kidding, two drops!), half a cup of Thrive rehydrated beef TVP and a heap o’ parmesan cheese. This is damn good stuff, people. DAMN GOOD. And it tastes even better when you’re watching “Project Runway.”

Thank you for reading this.

The best reason to watch “Mad Men.”

Know what? Don Draper is the best reason to watch “Mad Men,” and here’s an adorable video montage of Don Draper (played by Jon Hamm) at his adorable best. The new season of “Mad Men” premiers tomorrow night on AMC. Have I mentioned that it’s adorable?

As long as I’m posting video clips tonight I thought I’d also include this screwy promotional thing for a new upscale, mixed-use hotel/retail/condo development that’s set to replace a deceased mall on the north side of Dallas. Holy crap, they’re promising GONDOLA RIDES, SNOOTY STORES, a WATER PARK with a PACIFIC-OCEAN WAVE POOL, THOUSANDS OF RESTAURANTS and HIGH-SPEED BUSES! At this point in time, though, it’s just a lot of wishful horseshit, because I’m guessing it’ll ultimately turn out pretty much like everything else does. You know, with McDonald’s, a Super Target, a couple of nail salons, Starbucks, three bank branches and lousy parking. But we can dream, right?

Thank you for reading this.

Thunder-sleet, a Macy’s do-over and I can’t wait to eat my low-carb cheesecake.

We woke up this morning to a world covered with white crap. Sam said we had a thunder-sleet storm going on around 6 a.m. that coated everything with frosty ice pellets. As a result I had to cancel my 11 a.m. podiatrist appointment because I have a hard enough time just walking on dry ground.

I’ve got a bunch of unrelated, mostly uninteresting crapola to report tonight. First, before I forget, here’s a cute yet informative video clip I received a couple of days ago from Sam’s Aunt Adie about how women can tell if they’re having a heart attack. Feel free to recommend this to your friends and neighbors, okay?



Also, we found out today that Macy’s plans to replace our new-ish microsuede sectional sofa (it’s slightly more than a year old) by the end of the month! A technician from their service department was here on Friday to check out an area that started sagging, and when he reported the issue back to his boss they made the decision to REPLACE THE ENTIRE SECTIONAL rather than repair it. A formal portrait appears below for your possible interest. The color is called “Stone.”

I’m outrageously excited about this because it’s like getting a free do-over with regard to smooshed-up cushions, an unexplained greasy little hand-print and two badly-dented accent pillows. THANK YOU, MACY’S. Yee-haw!

I don’t know how I wound up on this mailing list, but there’s an irritating little Greek cafe here in Mesquite that focuses their entire marketing campaign on advertising when they’re CLOSED. For example:

“Happy holidays. We’re closed on Christmas.” 

“Drive carefully. We’re closed New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day!” 

“Just a reminder … we’re closed every Sunday.” 

“Hi. We’re closed today due to the weather. See you tomorrow!” 

In case you don’t believe me, click here and here and here. These people must be insane.

The local news in Dallas is reporting that Lee Harvey Oswald’s former apartment building in the Oak Cliff neighborhood was torn down yesterday morning with a crowd of onlookers arriving at dawn to grab a few bricks and whatnots as souvenirs. I don’t really understand why anybody would want crap like this, but you have to keep in mind I’m talking about Texans. Texans are weird.

I spent most of the day hard at work on my big client project, the scope of which has expanded to include: 1) a new logo; 2) matching business cards; 3) postcard invitations to a gallery show; 4) a PDF mailer; and 5) redesigning her website. I finished 1 and 3 this afternoon and feel very accomplished. As soon as I wrap up this post I plan to celebrate with a nice hot shower, the low-carb cheesecake I made last night and this week’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” Holy crap, does this sound fantastic, or what? If I feel motivated afterwards I might empty the dishwasher, although technically this activity doesn’t fit into anybody’s concept of celebrating. Especially mine. I’m just saying.

Incidentally, with regard to that low-carb cheesecake from the previous paragraph, it really turned out GREAT. I used the famous Bisquick “Impossible Cheesecake” recipe modified for CarbQuik ... a real no-brainer that you mix in the blender, pour into a glass pan and bake for half an hour. Let me know if you want the recipe, okay? Next time I think I’ll shmear a jar of no-carb lemon curd on top instead of sour cream. I love lemon curd.

Thank you for reading this!

Rick “Einstein” Perry wants to run for president again. Haven’t we been embarrassed enough?

To demonstrate to you what kind of strangely un-Jewish city this can be, the Dallas Morning News’ restaurant critic today named The Best Dish in Dallas 2012: SAUSAGE-STUFFED SUCKLING PIG from Private Social Restaurant. (Yes, that’s really the name of the restaurant.) She writes: “Chef Tiffany Derry went all-out on this one, stuffing incredibly flavorful suckling pig with house-made sausage and garnishing it with strands of fried pig’s ear.” Sure doesn’t sound very Hanukkah-friendly, does it?

The South shall rise again, people. Maybe sooner than you think. And I have this on very good authority, because Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry is making noise about attempting another presidential campaign in 2016. Oy, haven’t we been embarrassed enough yet?

While Texas’ House Speaker Joe Straus has traveled around the state insisting that lawmakers start tackling the essentials — public education, college accessiblity, water for cities and agriculture, roads and infrastructure — Perry clings instead to a rigid platform that holds down spending on necessities to promote his own extreme, right-wing agenda: A shitload of guns for everybody (including college campuses and school classrooms), private school vouchers, massive outdoor Christian prayer meetings and increasingly severe restrictions on women’s reproductive rights and access to health care. Tanene Allison, spokeswoman for the state Democratic Party, said Perry’s priorities are aimed at a narrow constituency and do nothing for a growing state and the needs of its people. Yup, that’s our Einstein. Governor Corndog claims to have national political ambitions — “America deserves a God-fearing Christian patriot in the White House!” — but also thinks Texas should secede from the United States. Welcome to Bubba’s School of Politics.

Personally, I think the most pressing need for this constituent is MORE FONTS. Below are the latest acquisitions here at Howdygram headquarters:

And now I’d like to highlight five celebrities who died in 2012. Pictured below are: 1) actor Larry Hagman, 81, and his eyebrows of distinction; 2) the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, 92, self-proclaimed messiah of the Unification Church, who died on June 25 but has not successfully risen from the grave as of this writing; 3) actor and TV host Gary Collins, 74, who died with no lips; 4) character actor Harry Carey, Jr., 91 (I seriously thought he was already dead); and 5) N. Joseph Woodland, age 91, co-inventor of the bar code.

It’s 11:15 p.m. here, and before I sign off for the night I think I should mention that FedEx just left a package on our front doorstep. I’m speechless. I knew I was expecting a delivery today, but when it hadn’t arrived by 7 I figured I’d have to wait until Monday. Wrong! A nice big carton of freeze-dried whatnots from Thrive is waiting for me in the kitchen!

I just realized something. Maybe Sam and I can go out for breakfast in the morning! I’m thinking about The Steak Angus in downtown Mesquite because they have a buffet and we love all-you-can-eat scrambled eggs. Thank you for reading this.

Bazooka bubble gum made me what I am today: a toothless diabetic.

Welcome to Friday night in Howdygramland. There’s not much to report at this hour except that I’m slightly hungry, very cold and severely despondent that Bazooka bubble gum has decided to ditch its 60-year-old comic strip inner wrap for something “more relevant” to today’s kids. (Maybe a free condom or extra rollover minutes?) First Twinkies disappear, and now this!

For the record, Bazooka bubble gum was an important part of my childhood and, in large part, made me what I am today: a toothless diabetic.

For news a little closer to home, I’d like to announce that Dallas is really, really weird. Apparently city planners are busy preparing for next November’s BIG EVENT, to be known henceforth as “The 50th.” At a media hoo-hah last week Mayor Mike Rawlings said, “The name is simply The 50th.”

In case you haven’t figured out what The 50th is, it’s the fiftieth anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination. Which is a lot like calling Thanksgiving “The Thursday.”

Mayor Rawlings offered the following remarks: “The entire country and world will be looking on Dallas this time next year, November 22, 2013, 50 years later. First let me discuss what we are going to accomplish with this event. This is an event to honor the remarkable life, legacy and leadership of President John F. Kennedy. Solely that, and nothing more. Secondly, the tone is very important. We want to mark this day remembering a great president with a sense of dignity and honor.”

HOLY CRAP.

Seriously, I hate to break these bad tidings to the mayor, but Dallas will NEVER be remembered for John Kennedy’s life because John Kennedy never lived here. He had no relatives here, he wasn’t educated here, he never held office here and he never had any “dignity and honor” here. HE WAS KILLED HERE. The world remembers Jackie’s pink suit, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby, the grassy knoll, the damn School Book Depository and Parkland Memorial Hospital. By refusing to acknowledge the obvious — the assassination — the mayor is setting us up to look like a bunch of delusional yahoos. Which really isn’t much of a stretch, since we’ll probably all show up at The 50th with a six-pack, a hound dog and a Stetson.

I think I’d better grab myself a nice hot shower before I freeze to death and some dinner before I starve to death. I apologize if this sounds too theatrical, but it’s my blog and I’ll write whatever the hell I want.

Have a nice day, okay?

Denny’s “Grand Slam” Vegas wedding chapel, coming soon. I hope they have a senior discount.

I’ve never liked bugs. For those of you who know me personally, of course, this is an understatement to end all understatements because I am completely paralyzed at the sight of an insect — any insect — such as bees, moths, spiders and crickets. Sometimes, depending on weather conditions, Texas can wind up with an abundance of the aforementioned crickets, but this year the big hoo-hah is MOSQUITOS, particularly the kind that carry West Nile Virus. So far this summer we’ve had 431 confirmed cases of West Nile and 12 fatalities with 10 to 15 new cases reported every day. This even includes Sundays, when all good southern mosquitoes should be in church or standing in line somewhere for brunch. Holy crap.

The Dallas metro area has declared a state of emergency and ordered five planes from the Texas Department of Emergency Management to shpritz pesticide all over north Dallas and the Park Cities neighborhoods (Highland Park and University Park) before students start returning to our institutes of higher learning, which includes Southern Methodist University, the University of Texas Southwest Medical Center, Dallas Baptist University, the Dallas County Community College District and Jim-Bob’s Barber College on Lamar across from the new Pizza Hut.

A clever marketing dude at Denny’s corporate headquarters has decided to kill two birds with a rock by opening a new Denny’s combined with a cheesy wedding chapel in a new Neonopolis entertainment center in downtown Las Vegas. The restaurant will offer its traditional menu — Grand Slams! Patty Melts! Soup du Jour! — with a chapel in the middle featuring intentionally stupid “over-the-top Vegas décor.”

For the record, Sam and I got married in Las Vegas in 2006. After Denny’s opens its new Grand Slam Chapel I’m thinking we might have to go back and renew our vows, because this time we can dine on Senior Scrambled Eggs for lunch instead of that sad and crappy Cheez Whiz Buffet at the Riviera.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

Sam & Marcy’s hunt for affordable groceries.

Today’s big burning question is, why the hell is Tom Thumb charging $6.85 for a stinking package of Ballpark Smoked White Turkey Franks? ARE THEY INSANE?

Sam went to the store this morning to buy a few essentials for the week and I told him to pick up a couple packages of Ballpark Smoked White Turkey Franks for me because I love those things and they’re fat-free with practically no calories. He couldn’t find them at our Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market a few days ago so I was hoping Tom Thumb would have them. When he called from the hotdog aisle to tell me the price I almost had a BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. They’re more expensive than the buffet lunch at Lucky China!

I see these Ballpark Smoked White Turkey Franks priced online at other markets for about $3.50, and the last time I personally bought them in a grocery store they were always on sale two for $5, although I admit that might have been several years ago because I’ve got disintegrating knees and other mobility issues and really don’t shlep myself through supermarkets any more. But $6.85 is OUTRAGEOUS, and the next time I’m in Tom Thumb I intend to whack the shitzky out of everybody with my cane.

Sam just reminded me that SPRINKLES are another overpriced dilemma. His favorite donut shop charges a nickle extra for sprinkles, such as a 60¢ chocolate donut will cost 65¢ with sprinkles. Sam is crazy about these things — we used to keep a two-pound tub in the pantry — but he refuses to cave in and pay that extra 5¢ so he buys apple fritters in protest. However I’d be mighty surprised if the cashier (or anybody else) gives a crap about this.

A sample donut with sprinkles and an apple fritter appear above for your possible interest. I don’t eat either product because I have diabetes. Thank you for reading this.

Glorioski! The next generation of “Dallas” is a juicy, geriatric knockoff.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. And I’ve got two classic examples I’d like to share. First, in the news today cycling champion Lance Armstrong has been charged again with participation in a massive doping conspiracy. Allegations against him began in 1999 with evidence dating back to 1996, and if Armstrong is finally convicted by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency he could lose all seven Tour de France titles and have to give back a bunch of really cool team tee shirts. He will, however, be allowed to keep his helmet and continue swilling champagne.

Second, the next generation of “Dallas” premiered tonight on TNT, and even though I thought for sure this geriatric knockoff would completely suck, I have to admit that J.R. — he uses a walker! — and a strangely pruny Bobby got me hooked all over again. The obnoxious, uber-rich Ewings are back, and now their demon offspring have weasled into the family’s relentless quest for dough. The new series films lots of great scenic shots in and around town here and they’re also shooting exteriors at Southfork Ranch, which is about 15 miles north of the Howdygram’s nerve center in Mesquite.

The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Southfork Ranch, which is actually a lot smaller than it is on TV. For the record, Southfork is real; the Ewings, unfortunately, are not.

Speaking of Howdygram headquarters, we narrowly missed some huge and scary thunderstorms tonight! Although we had about 45 minutes of light but steady rain, most of Dallas and the suburban areas just north and south of Mesquite wound up with baseball-size hail, 60 m.p.h. straight-line winds and torrential rainfall. Casualties included all the skylights at North Park Mall (the snootiest mall in Dallas), the glass lily pad sculptures at the Dallas Arboretum and two or three billion trees and car windshields all over town. Check out the video clip below.



Thank you for reading this. It’s bedtime.

Welcome to Dallas ... un-hip, out of shape and smutty.

Wow. I’ve been sitting at the computer reading all of my favorite news websites — ABC, MSNBC, CNN, Yahoo, the Chicago Tribune, the Dallas Morning News, the Dallas Observer and the Fort Worth Star Telegram — and realized it’s already 4 a.m. and I have no desire whatsoever to go to bed even though Sam’s been unconscious for at least three hours.

What the hell. Happy Memorial Day.

Y’all might be interested to know I’ve discovered a new website — Fab.com — an “Ikealike” marketplace for clever yet reasonably-priced crapola including gifts, gadgets, housewares, artwork, peculiar lamps and furniture. The photo at right features “Beardo,” the knit beanie with a built-in beard designed to keep your face warm. It’s a steal at $28 and available in several go-with-everything colors. I’m considering this for the Howdygram’s official headgear.

I did some online shopping last night to prepare for our road trip next month. Just between us, it used to be a lot more fun to plan for a vacation. In decades past this usually meant researching the nightlife and buying a pile of new clothes and shoes. Now it means wheelchair gloves, an insulin travel cooler and how the hell am I supposed to fit all these pills in my purse. Here’s what I ordered ...

I’m especially excited about the wheelchair push bar (stop laughing) from Wrightstuff.biz that’s designed for tall people, fits over the handles of a wheelchair and adds about seven inches of height. (We don’t want Sam to wind up with a creaky back.) The insulin cooling pouch is really swell, too. It keeps medication “refrigerated” without ice! Apparently you just soak the pouch in water for a few minutes and it keeps the contents cold for up to three days even in extremely hot temperatures. I think this was a great buy at $26.50 from Amazon. I ordered a blue one. I actually wanted red but it cost $2 more for no apparent reason.

You may have noticed that online magazines love to publish bullshit lists that rank cities across the United States on a variety of meaningless and unsubstantiated criteria. Even worse, they all hate Dallas. In recent weeks we ranked #15 on Men’s Health’s 100 Smuttiest Cities in America, the results of which were calculated by the number of adult DVD rentals, dildo sales and strip clubs. And according to Travel+Leisure we just came in dead last on their list of America’s Top 35 Hipster-Friendly Cities due to a shortage of snooty boutiques, dog parks, free wi-fi and Tweet volume. This is actually kind of amusing, however, since the median age of a Travel+Leisure subscriber is 49.5 years. They don’t exactly know how to attract hipsters, either.

But GLORIOSKI ... all is not lost! Dallas just landed in first place on Bundle.com’s study of dining out in America, since we apparently spend 91% more doing this than any other major city in the United States. (It’s not that our restaurants are so terrific; we’re just too busy roping cattle to defrost a chicken for dinner.)

And finally, the data presented above might explain our placement last week at #47 on the American College of Sports Medicine’s Fitness Index, where they point out that Dallas has too many fat diabetics and not enough golf courses, farmer’s markets and baseball diamonds. Also, almost nobody here rides a bicycle to work. Although we do rank high on tennis courts, we don’t use them because it’s 110° outside and we’re probably standing in a buffet line.

Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for flying Howdygram Airlines.

Happy Sunday, y’all. I’ve got big news from Howdygramland! I just read an article that Trader Joe’s has announced a third location for a new store in north Texas, this one at the northwest corner of Walnut Hill and Central Expressway (see artist’s rendering below). That makes two Trader Joe’s stores in Dallas — both scheduled to open in 2013 — and one that’s opening in Plano by late summer. These are our first-ever Trader Joe’s stores and I’m so excited I could slap somebody! 

The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) the Trader Joe’s store coming to Lower Greenville Avenue next year; and C) the new store at Walnut Hill and Central Expressway. Never mind about the store in Plano because I won’t ever shop there. Plano is too far and too snooty.

Here are a few of my favorite Trader Joe’s products for your possible interest. Missing from this montage are: 1) frozen mango chunks; 2) couscous salad with real raisins; 3) stuffed peppers; 4) great big cashews; 5) the best cottage cheese on earth; and 6) “eggless” tofu egg salad. (Stop laughing. It’s really good.)

It’s time at last for a quick lunch and a hot shower, then I’ll be on my way to pick up Sam at the airport. The weather in Dallas today is 90° with sunshine and a light breeze from the south. Please remain seated until we arrive at the gate and thank you for flying Howdygram Airlines.

Please don’t throw peanuts during the debates.

I’ve got a lot to say so let’s get started, okay? First and foremost, I’d like to report that we never got any of those “catastrophic” storms the National Weather Service predicted for us this morning (see post). Although I didn’t really want destructive weather — our big tornado outbreak on April 3 was more than enough — we also didn’t get any measurable rain today, either. Less than one-tenth of an inch. This sucks because north Texas is still on stage 3 water restrictions, which means we can only water our lawns twice a month. If we don’t get a little free water from the sky now and then we’ll be screwed.

And now for some breaking international news from Europe! Apparently the crackerjack police of Paris have seized 13 tons of contraband miniature Eiffel Towers. The owner of a Paris souvenir shop, her husband and her son were arrested during the trinket seizure on Friday and accused of selling artificial crap — as opposed to authentic crap — without a permit at their gift shops in the Eiffel Tower and Louvre. The operation was led jointly by the Paris police department and French customs after several months of intense surveillance. I don’t know about you, but all of a sudden I’ve got a visual of Inspector Clousseau hiding in a bush.

Next to beer, guns and pickup trucks a Texan’s favorite pasttime is greasy food, so you’ll surely understand that — according to every news website in town — the city’s number one goal for 2012 has involved researching, eating and acclaiming the Best Burgers in Dallas. And they’ve even published a map to help us find them.

The blue pins indicate the following dining establishments: The Commissary, Elevation Burger, The Grape, Fred’s Texas Cafe, Ketchup Burger Bar, Marquee Grill, Off-Site Kitchen and Wingfield’s. Although Sam and I have never eaten at any of these restaurants, after viewing a 20-page photo gallery on the Dallas Morning News’ website I’m ready to head out the door RIGHT NOW. Are these gorgeous, or what?

Next time you come for a visit Sam and I promise to include one or more of these fine establishments on our “do” list. FYI, the burger on the right weighs 10 ounces without the bacon and bun. Glorioski!

And finally, a recent research study at Aix-Marseille University in France has revealed that baboons are able to distinguish between real and fake words in print about three-out-of-four times, according to the results published in Thursday’s science journal. Four-year-old Dan Baboon, the star of the bunch and equivalent in age to a human teenager, got 80% of the words right and learned 308 four-letter words. That being said, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the Republican party’s 2016 running primates for president in 2016.

Please don’t throw peanuts during the debates and thank you for reading this.