The luge. Does anybody really give a crap about this?

In this post: Non-news, 2014 Olympics, Monday errands.

Breaking news … CHEMICAL EXPLOSION IN MESQUITE! According to our local ABC News affiliate, two janitors — who were most likely stoned — reported a “popping noise” to police Saturday morning at the Fritz Industries research facility on Executive Drive. However, since nobody was injured, there was no property damage and no actual chemicals were involved, the headline should have read: POLICE SEARCH FOR BROKEN TEST TUBE AT MESQUITE RESEARCH FACILITY WHILE REPORTER ATTEMPTS TO TERRIFY AREA RESIDENTS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Fritz Industries on Executive Drive, which did NOT actually blow up; C) the new Chinese buffet at Galloway and Tripp that Sam refuses to take me to because ptomaine; and D) Buckner Back & Neck, the chiropractic clinic with the best name EVER.

Marshall Field’s was the best damn department store God ever created.

In this post: Remembering Frango Mints.

Know what? FedEx will deliver my sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates ANY MINUTE NOW, and I can hardly wait! This time I included two bags of their French Mints because I’m hoping they’ll remind me of the unforgettable Frangos I used to buy at Marshall Field’s — THE BEST DAMN DEPARTMENT STORE GOD EVER CREATED — a million years ago when I lived in Chicago. (I still dream about Frango Mints. Also Italian beef sandwiches.)

I think a water feature would be a nice addition to the front yard.

We’re waiting for weather here at Howdygram headquarters. North Texas is expecting severe storms during the wee hours — starting around 3 a.m. — with hail, crazy wind and a chance of tornadoes. Frankly, I’ll believe it when I see it. The lying sacks of poo at Weather.com have predicted the same hoo-hah a million times before but all we ever get is a bogus forecast and NO RAIN. We never stop hoping, though. It’s like Charlie Brown and that miserable football. In the event you care about this, here’s the weather we’ve been promised tonight:

Breaking news! Regarding my Howdygram post from April 2, the information provided in Scary Story Number One was a wee bit premature. The Aryan Brotherhood of Texas, a prison gang of white supremacist halfwits, apparently was NOT responsible for the multiple homicides in nearby Kaufman County. A former justice of the peace and his wife have been arrested and charged with capital murder after confessing to the assassinations of District Attorney Michael McLelland and his wife, Cynthia, at their home on March 30, and for the drive-by murder of Assistant District Attorney Mark Hasse on January 31. Eric and Kim Williams are in jail and being held on $10 million bond. (In other words, they ain’t goin’ nowhere.) Mug shots of the Williams Gang appear below. I think they look like people you’d run into at IHOP on Saturday morning.

And as long as I’m reporting local crime I guess I should throw another scary story into the mix. Mesquite police received a missing person report yesterday and located the victim’s car a few hours later in the Wal-Mart Supercenter parking lot at Belt Line Road and I-80 with his body stuffed in the trunk. Law enforcement officials have arrested Randy Wilson Wright, pictured at right, for capital murder. Please be advised that the Wal-Mart in question here is about two miles south of Howdygram headquarters in a very decent neighborhood with lots of restaurants, two nice motels, a new car wash and across the street from our favorite Denny’s. Holy crap! The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) The Wal-Mart Supercenter on I-80 where criminals are parking dead bodies; C) the aforementioned favorite Denny’s; and D) the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market on Town East Boulevard where Sam buys fruit, yogurt and lunch meat.

If this keeps up we might have to hire armed guards or build a moat around the house. Personally, I vote for the moat because I think a water feature would be a nice addition to the front yard.

And now it’s time for some Wednesday evening recreation, featuring: 1) an insulin injection; 2) homemade chicken soup with zero-calorie Miracle Rice and a low-carb black raspberry smoothie; 3) four “Hardcore Pawn” reruns; and 4) folding socks. I love my life, people.

The hills are alive with the sound of manhunts.

I’m having a mighty weird afternoon, unwittingly surrounded by murderers and fugitives while I wait for thunderstorms to roll in. There are two converging stories of horror that I’ll describe for you now in detail ... whether you give a crap or not.

SCARY STORY NUMBER ONE. It is suspected that the Aryan Brotherhood of Texas, a popular white supremacist welcome wagon gang of prison thugs, has been assassinating the district attorneys in neighboring Kaufman County. And when I say “neighboring,” I’m not joking about this. Kaufman County adjoins the town of Mesquite about five miles south of Howdygram headquarters. The first victim was Assistant D.A. Mark Hasse, who was shot dead on January 31 in the middle of the town square. On Saturday, exactly two months later, District Attorney Mike McLelland and his wife were murdered at home in Forney. Both men had been prosecuting the Aryan Brotherhood’s leadership. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and 2) site of the McLelland hoo-hah in Forney.

SCARY STORY NUMBER TWO. A pair of dangerous criminals, one awaiting trial for capital murder, escaped this morning in their underwear from a jail in Sulphur Springs, Texas. The murder suspect, 44-year-old Brian Allen Tucker (pictured at right), was believed headed for his last known address in Mesquite’s Casa View Heights neighborhood, which is maybe five minutes from where I’m sitting as I write this post. Tucker is accused of strangling a 63-year-old man with shoelaces and stealing his musical instruments in May 2011. (Oy. He’s a music lover?) At present Texas law enforcement officials from three counties are searching for Tucker with helicopters, dogs, walkie-talkies and secret decoder rings. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Casa View Heights subdivision; and C) our favorite Denny’s restaurant, which technically has nothing whatsoever to do with this story.

Trust me, my doors are bolted tonight. The only visitor I’m expecting is a FedEx delivery dude with two shipments from Wal-Mart, which include: 1) assorted toiletries; 2) two rolls of parchment paper so I’ll never burn another batch of Beanit Butter cookies; and 3) a two-gallon “sharps” container for my used insulin syringes. Do I have a great life, or what?

It’s almost 7:30 p.m. and high time to start thinking about what I want for dinner. Unfortunately, I’m not very motivated and don’t really feel too much like eating anything, which means this could be the perfect night for low-carb bread with pickles, Slim Jims and sugar-free chocolate soy milk! There’s more than enough for company if you’d like to join me. Thank you.

Sectionals, podiatry and hunting for a haircut.

Another day, another nutso pile of weirdness. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I wrote that Macy’s agreed to replace our defective sectional sofa by the end of January? Proving once again that crap happens, I called Macy’s this afternoon to ask about a delivery date and found out this hoo-hah is taking way longer than anybody expected. The manufacturer isn’t scheduled to deliver the sectional to Macy’s “super center” in Miami — Miami? WTF! — until mid-March, at which time they’ll ship it to Houston, stuff it onto another truck and haul it to Dallas. Their best guess for estimated arrival is sometime in April but I’d be willing to bet it’s closer to Memorial Day.

So I asked how about a credit for the defective sectional and we’ll pick out something else, and Macy’s thought that was fine, except after spending three hours on their website tonight scrutinizing every sectional they sell I don’t see anything I like better than the one we already own! Therefore, tomorrow I’ll call back and tell them to keep us on the list for that Miami-to-Houston-to-Dallas horseshit and we’ll just have to be patient. What a screwy mess.

On the plus side, however, I had a pleasant visit today with my podiatrist and then spent the better part of an hour driving all over Mesquite looking for a place to get a haircut. My first choice was a brand new salon about 90 seconds from home, but when I pulled up in front I realized they cater to “women of color” and probably have zero interest in styling an old white lady. My second choice was Salon 2000 on Town East Boulevard that apparently went out of business during the last couple of months. But the third time’s a charm, and I finally got a nice cut at Vince’s Salon. Also very inexpensive.

The map below indicates the following points of interest: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) my podiatrist’s office; C) the salon that doesn’t do old white ladies; D) the former location of Salon 2000; and E) Vince’s.

Sam just got home from work so it’s time for TV, insulin and a lot of snacks. We have a full and rewarding life.

We’re finally minus one loud, militant lesbian in the “Top Chef” kitchen.

Hi. It’s me again. I woke up at 3 a.m. itching from head to toe, which (for me) happens to be a frequent side effect from diabetes. It feels like you’re itching from the inside out because and no matter how much you scratch it doesn’t feel any better. Think of this like TORTURE. On the plus side, however, I usually stop itching after 15 or 20 minutes and decide to settle down for a while with the Howdygram and a tall Marcytini. Lucky you.

In case you’re interested, I’m thrilled to report that obnoxious Josie finally got sent home this week on “Top Chef.” No kidding, I’ve never been so happy to see a contestant get kicked out in my entire life. Josie is abrasive, aggressive, self-absorbed and REALLY LOUD and thinks that her sexual orientation — militant lesbian — should be just as important on this show as her cooking skills. Or lack of cooking skills.

Good riddance, Josie. Don’t let an “elevated pickled watermelon salad” hit you in the ass on your way out.

In news a little closer to home, apparently the Mesquite Metro Airport broke ground on Tuesday for the construction of a $3 million tower. This is supposed to increase air traffic (a good thing, I guess) because some pilots aren’t allowed by insurance regulations to land at an airport without one. To tell you the truth, I was only vaguely aware that Mesquite even had an airport. Here it is!

The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) the Mesquite Metro Airport, which is conveniently located near Devil’s Bowl Speedway, Catfish Corner and Rapunzel’s Cupcakes.

And finally, from our Chinese Food Porn department I offer the following picturesque entree that’s making me swoon. I have no idea what this is, exactly, but I see dumplings, hot sauce, teeny chopped-up green onions and something that appears to be ground pork, and if you’ll send me a VERY LARGE ORDER of this within the next 45 minutes you’ll be my best friend forever. Click here to request my delivery address. Thank you in advance.

This might be an excellent time to catch up on a couple of Danny Kaye movies. Shut the lights when you’re through reading, okay?

Being Santa is obviously a smart career move for geezers who refuse to shave.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday because I wasn’t in the mood. I know you’ll get over it. We all have to deal with disappointment, right?

Sam and I had a very pleasant Sunday that included a nice excursion — road construction be damned! — to downtown Fort Worth, lunch at El Asadero and a drive-by visit to Cowboys Stadium and the Texas Rangers ballpark, which are conveniently located across the street from each other in Arlington. For your possible interest, this was my first time shooting mealtime insulin away from home! The parking lot next to El Asadero offered the perfect combination of awkwardness, lack of privacy and what the hell am I supposed to do with a used insulin syringe.

The faculty at Howdygram University is pleased to post the following informational video in case you’ve ever had difficulty drinking a can of soda. Please practice this at home; there’s a pop quiz on Thursday (no pun intended). Thank you.

Here’s an enlightening bit of scary baloney courtesy of Foodbeast.com that illustrates four popular fast-food products as they appear in advertisements versus the miserable crap you unwrap in your car. While all of these examples are mighty grim, the most embarrassing of the lot has to be those pathetic Jack in the Box tacos that look like they’ve been pulled out of a body cavity. (Please don’t ask me to elaborate.)

Speaking of advertising, the following two images from our local newspaper provide ample evidence that it’s fun to live in a small tacky town like Mesquite. I particularly love the ad for Santa, which is obviously a smart career move for geezers who refuse to shave. My only question is, what does this Santa dude actually do? If you decide to call and inquire please send me an email afterwards, okay?

My plans for the balance of the evening include: 1) placing an order with Amazon.com for the fabulous crap pictured below; 2) taking a nice hot shower; 3) eating low-carb chocolate chocolate chip pound cake; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Incidentally, the aforementioned chocolate chocolate chip pound cake is actually a Dixie Diner muffin mix from Netrition.com. I add DaVinci sugar-free chocolate syrup instead of water, make mine in an 8" x 4" loaf pan instead of muffin tins and increase the baking time to 30 minutes. It’s so outrageously good that I usually make an effort to eat the whole thing in one night. (I never joke about food.)

Try not to gag about the Baken-ets. They’re crunchy and salty with ZERO CARBS, making them an ideal choice for diabetic senior citizens with unusual snacking needs. Worthington Saucettes are vegetarian mock breakfast sausages and another delightful example of fake meat in a can, of which I’m so damn fond. You can learn more about Saucettes here and purchase some for yourself. (Yes, they’re expensive. Think of them as a luxury item, like a pair of Jimmy Choos in a can with gravy.)

Chicken of the Sea pink salmon should be self-explanatory.

Thank you for reading this.

Happy birthday to me. I want a new set of wheels!

With only 37 shopping days left until my birthday I ought to let you know that a classy new set of wheels is at the top of my “wish list” this year. I WANT A ROLLATOR! The kind with a BUILT-IN PADDED SEAT, POWER BRAKES, a CUP HOLDER and a SHLEPPER BASKET for transporting crap around the house. My favorite must-have accessory is a 120-decibel AIR HORN to get slugs, small children and old people the hell out of my way. The air horn is available online from Deal Extreme for about $13 with free shipping.

On my agenda this week? I want to join one of Mesquite’s Senior Centers so I won’t turn into an antisocial hermit. According to their latest newsletter, September activities at our three local Senior Centers include: 1) Friday night bluegrass music with cookies; 2) a supervised weekly shopping trip to Wal-Mart; 3) the annual “Being Young” Fair featuring Buck and Gloria’s rock & roll sing-along, free popcorn and bingo; 4) board game night; 5) daily hot lunch for a buck if you’re 60 or older; 6) a monthly happy birthday mixer; 7) craft classes (choice of making earrings with Jerrie or a mummy candy dish with Dorothy); 8) Senior Day Camp with hay rides and hot dogs; 9) flu shots on Thursdays; and 10) this month’s feature film: Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Goodbar Senior Center behind McKinsey Elementary School; C) the Evans Senior Center; and D) the Rutherford Senior Center. Goodbar and Evans offer the cheap lunch program. I’ve got September’s menu if anybody’s interested.

Please stop laughing because I’m serious about this crap. Thank you.

Fat Daddy’s Seafood Grill, now open in the Shell station down the street.

Thought y’all might want to know there’s a brand new fine dining establishment that’s walking distance from Howdygram headquarters! It’s Fat Daddy’s Seafood Grill, tucked inside the Shell station at the corner of Northwest Drive and Belt Line Road. Fat Daddy’s replaces Howard’s Christian Catfish and Taxes, a dual-purpose dive that offered fried food year-round with optional income tax advice from January through April by two religious short-order cooks. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters on Bonnywood Drive; and B) Fat Daddy’s (formerly Howard’s Christian Catfish and Taxes).

For your possible interest I’m told that Howard’s has moved to a strip mall location in south Mesquite.

It seems that GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney is getting lots of crap from everybody in the United States — even from some of his own campaign staff — for continuing to stuff both feet in his mouth every time he speaks in public. Those leaked remarks about the “47%” (see my earlier post) from a Republican fundraiser have derailed every other issue on the table. (Nothing could make me happier. Not even Mongolian chicken.)

The point is, all those thoughtless, arrogant, off-handed comments spewing from Romney’s mouth aren’t “gaffes” at all ... that’s simply who he is.

Obama 2012!

And now I think I’ll defrost some food and finish the Eddie Cantor movie I started watching a couple of hours ago. I refer to If You Knew Susie from 1948 featuring screwball comic Joan Davis and a lot of stupid situations that include tap-dancing white showgirls in blackface and Paul Revere’s horse (don’t ask).

Here’s a video clip of Eddie and Joan singing the title number. Feel free to replay this as often as you want, no extra charge.


May you live and be well. Thank you for reading this.

Please help me vote these medieval right-wing uterus gods out of office.

While I wait for Sam to get home from Tom Thumb with American cheese and a million cans of seltzer I thought I’d write a quick post about Rick Perry, the dimwit governor of Texas, who’s so obsessed in his fight against abortion that he cut off all state funding for Planned Parenthood. Governor Einstein insists that Texas is entitled to exclude groups “affiliated with abortion providers” from its federally-subsidized Women’s Health Program.

According to the Planned Parenthood Action Fund, the issue here in Texas isn’t really about Planned Parenthood at all ... it’s about the state’s desire to deny critical health services to more than 200,000 women who rely on Planned Parenthood for cancer screenings, birth control and medical exams. A lawsuit by Planned Parenthood is pending; now it’s up to women nationwide to vote these medieval right-wing uterus gods out of office. (This entire conversation makes me want to hurl.) Thank you.

Out of curiosity, did any of you lucky people get to see naked pictures of Prince Harry this morning? Apparently they’re all over the Internet after TMZ posted them online. Harry was partying with other naked nitwits in Las Vegas and wasn’t bright (or sober) enough to make sure somebody confiscated cell phones first. Buckingham Palace is confirming the photos are genuine, and as I write this post Harry (pictured here fully dressed) is on his way home for a chat with grandma. Holy royal crap.

Breaking news! I found out yesterday that all of Mesquite (including Howdygram headquarters) is scheduled for aerial spraying tonight to eradicate the West Nile virus, which is a major public health emergency with more than 400 confirmed cases and 16 deaths in the Dallas area. A few days ago the county health department shpritzed only a teeny section of Mesquite located north of Interstate 30; the rest of us get it tonight around 10 p.m. I might order dinner from China City to celebrate because Mongolian chicken is the answer to damn near EVERYTHING.

Thank y’all for reading this.

“Wrong-Way Gordon” and a Stallone family album.

Don’t ask me how it’s possible, but according to Weather.com hurricane Gordon in the mid-Atlantic is actually heading in the WRONG DIRECTION. Instead of moving towards the United States the storm is actually zooming east to Portugal, where it’s expected to make landfall by Wednesday. Holy crap.

In yet another puzzling turn of events, Howdygram headquarters didn’t actually get sprayed last night to help eradicate West Nile virus because Einsteins at the Dallas County Public Health Department have decided only to spray the teeny area of Mesquite that’s north of Interstate 30. Seriously? Do those yahoos really think bugs haven’t figured out how to cross a freeway? The red star on the map below denotes Howdygram headquarters; the little pink blotch directly above it is the lucky area of Mesquite that gets to bury its dead mosquitoes today. Frankly, I’m bummed about this.

For your possible interest I’d like to share a website I discovered this morning. Take a trip over to Ian’s Shoelace Site for more than you’ve ever wanted to know about shoelaces, including detailed diagrams and instructions for hundreds of fancy lacing techniques, links to shoelace websites all over the world and shoe portraits (see below) from fans with way too much time on their hands.

And finally, I thought y’all might enjoy this Stallone family album just in time for Halloween, featuring Sylvester, 66, and his mother Jackie, 90, showing off their fright masks plastic surgery. Just between us, Jackie’s lips scare the living crap out of me. They look like inner tubes.

If you’ve got some free time this afternoon take a peek at PlasticSurgeryStar.com for lots more celebrity disasters. Thank you for reading this.

Aerial shpritzing for West Nile virus starts tomorrow.

In response to a state of emergency all over north Texas, the forward-thinking city of Mesquite has asked Dallas County to include us in their aerial spraying program to murder mosquitoes carrying the West Nile virus. So far we’ve got 449 confirmed cases of West Nile in the Dallas metro area with 15 fatalities (two more deaths last night). As a senior citizen with diabetes I’ve got a suppressed immune system that makes me particularly susceptible to serious complications from West Nile, so I’m definitely in favor of aggressive mosquito abatement. I also plan to stay indoors with large quantities of Chinese food. Aerial shpritzing, as depicted below, will begin tomorrow evening.

From our Epic Fail department, Schwan’s didn’t show up this morning with my bimonthly load of frozen whatnots! Sam saw our delivery doofus drive up in front of the house and then pull away a minute later, which is weird behavior even for Gary, so I double-checked my shopping cart on Schwans.com and discovered that my online transaction never went through yesterday. I called Gary’s cell and he came back about an hour later with everything on my list except for one bag of frozen mozzarella sticks. (I wanted three and only got two. I don’t know if I’ll be able to break the news to Sam.) Today’s delivery included all of the following:

For your possible interest I wound up returning a product to my Schwan’s driver this morning … the Fully Cooked Turkey Sausage Patties (see below) that I bought for the first time two weeks ago. These little critters actually had a lot of positives — texture, nutritional breakdown, easy microwave directions, acceptable price — but the flavor was a seriously weird combination of sausage seasonings with enough sage to sink the Queen Mary. Too bad. These would have been terrific if they didn’t taste like crap.

I think I’ll stare out the front window for a while and wait for China City to come over because I’m really hungry and can’t concentrate on anything else. Thank you for reading this.

My love affair with beef textured vegetable protein.

A series of obnoxious political robo calls ruined a perfectly wonderful Saturday afternoon nap for me today FOUR TIMES IN LESS THAN AN HOUR. And all this hoo-hah is for the Mesquite City Council, no less. Two robo calls warned me that candidate Brian Hutcheson is accused of accepting an illegal campaign contribution from the Dallas Apartment Association — they must be confusing me with somebody who cares about this — and two more were from Brian himself, who clearly sounded hysterical trying to convince me that his opponent is a liar. Apparently I’m not the only Mesquite citizen who doesn’t give a crap, however, because I drove past our polling place this afternoon and there were 26,715 signs lining the sidewalk and ZERO CARS IN THE LOT. Brian Hutcheson is the dude standing on the left in the picture below. I’m sorry nobody’s wearing a cowboy hat.

From our Relatives-on-the-Go department, I’m pleased to report that Sam arrived safely in southern California today for a seven-day visit. I drove him to the Dallas/Fort Worth airport this morning and sent him on his way from Terminal D. For your possible interest here is a representative image of his American Airlines flight landing at LAX. The plane is exceptionally shiny.

And now I’d like to share the latest entry in our Holy Crap Gallery in case you frequently lose sleep wondering whatever happened to the original cast of “The Love Boat,” which sailed on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Personally, I would never recognize Ted Lange or Lauren Tewes in a million years but Gavin McLeod is amazing at 81 and Bernie Kopell still looks like Bernie, except pruny.

Tonight’s first Sam-less evening meal at Howdygram headquarters will be homemade mushroom barley soup, which I haven’t actually started yet because I’m still writing this post. I plan to use the freeze-dried mushrooms and chicken TVP (textured vegetable protein) I ordered not long ago from Shelf Reliance. These products are awesome and I love having them in the pantry. Beef TVP is my favorite, though. It’s perfect in soup or chili, tastes wonderful, rehydrates in less than five minutes and has the texture of finely-shredded brisket or pot roast. You can order it here. (I buy the #10 can. It lasts a long time.)

I’ll probably be writing lots of posts in Sam’s absence since I have nothing else to do this week except eat, check my blood sugar, bring in the mail and watch movies. Live and be well, okay?

The whole scoop on small-town baloney, “chorks” and more fake meat in a can.

From our News You Can Use department, a stupid mystery dude stole a jar of change collected for charity from the crappy Asian buffet on Town East Boulevard here in Mesquite. You know you’re living in a small town when this kind of baloney actually qualifies for the evening TV news in Dallas ... and they even sent an eager reporter to interview a waitress and a couple of yakky customers. Take a look for yourself.



Incidentally, this is the exact same crappy Asian buffet where Sam and I had dinner a couple of weeks ago (see post).

And while I’m on the subject of Asian cuisine, the Howdygram is pleased to introduce a brand new utensil for your possible interest and amusement. Meet the “chork,” marketed by the Brown Innovation Group from Salt Lake City, which is basically plastic chopsticks with training wheels in case you need help to venture out of your comfort zone. Sorry, but chorks will never replace the ladle for shoveling Mongolian chicken at high speed. I’m just saying.

Breaking news! I just placed an order on Amazon.com for a case of Loma Linda “Big Franks” ... fake canned hotdogs packed in liquid that vegetarians and other weirdos are raving about from coast to coast. They’re supposed to be exceptionally tasty, practically addicting and very low fat with ZERO CARBS, which is big hoo-hah for diabetics like me. Even though it’s barely dawn here in north Texas I’ve already made exciting plans for Big Franks as soon as they get here — most likely by Wednesday — such as: 1) Big Franks on a paper plate; 2) Big Franks with a side order of sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles; 3) Big Franks Foo Young; and 4) Big Franks with a Marcytini.

I love Loma Linda’s fake meat crapola and have been dining on their canned “Swiss Stakes” and “Fried Chick’n” for quite some time. A large quantity of useful gravy is included in every can and you can buy all of these whatnots on Amazon.

I should probably go back to bed for a few hours since waking up at 4 a.m. can really wreck your entire day. Thank you for reading this.

You know you live in a hick town when ...

... the 32-year-old candidate for Mesquite’s city council sends a letter of introduction to every resident outlining his qualifications for the post: a high school diploma, two years of college and a steady job at Ace Hardware. With a background like that he could even be elected governor of Alaska!

In other local news ... they’re blowing up Texas Stadium at 7 a.m. tomorrow, and for the bargain price of $25 you can still find space to park in the stadium’s lot and watch the former home of the Dallas Cowboys implode. Apparently this is one crowd that loves any excuse to party. There’s a huge tented viewing area, bleachers, catering and VIP shuttle buses running from the Four Seasons Hotel ... but those tickets have been sold out for months. Personally, I’d rather spend my money on a nice brunch at Blue Mesa than drive to Irving, Texas at 7 a.m. and choke on stadium debris, but what the heck. I’m funny that way.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.