Artistic stimulation might include the national harmonica convention in Irving.

I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I sat up until 4 a.m. horsing around online and never bothered taking a nap today. As a result I’m so damn tired right now I don’t even feel like baking brownies for Sam, and that’s a real shame because I promised. For the record, I always bake Pillsbury Sugar-Free Fudge Brownies, and they’re so good nobody would ever know they’re sugar-free. Pillsbury’s sugar-free frosting is pretty damn wonderful, too, and you can eat it right out of the can with a spoon (a big one). You can find Pillsbury’s entire line of sugar-free crapola in all major supermarkets.

Please let me know if you have anything fun planned for the weekend, because we have nothing whatsoever on our agenda except for picking up lunch from Dickey’s and folding socks. If we get desperate for artistic stimulation we can always head over to the Westin Hotel in Irving for the last two days of the annual harmonica convention. The Society for the Preservation and Advancement of the Harmonica (SPAH) is expecting a mob of 500, and this might be almost as much fun as the National Elvis Impersonators’ Convention we ran into in Laughlin, Nevada, ten years ago, featuring an endless sea of weird dudes with bad hair and jeweled belt buckles. The theme even carried over into the hotel buffet, where the weekend’s entrees were “Elvis specialties” like deep-fried peanut butter sandwiches with grape jelly, a pound of butter and bacon. It’s not hard to figure out why the King didn’t make it to his 43rd birthday.

Thank you for stopping by. I think I’ll call Sam at work right now and annoy him for a while.

A food fest fit for a King.

If he hadn’t died on the toilet in August 1977, rock legend Elvis Presley would be celebrating his 75th birthday on January 8. To help you participate in the festivities I’ll share two of his favorite recipes here, offering proof that the King of Cholesterol probably died from collapsed arteries rather than a drug overdose. No kidding, I feel ill just READING these things.

FOOL’S GOLD LOAF. Preheat the oven to 350°. Spread butter generously over all sides of a loaf of Italian bread and bake until evenly brown. Fry one pound bacon until crisp and drain on a paper towel. Slice the bread lengthwise and hollow out the interior. Fill it with peanut butter and grape jelly layered with the bacon. Close the loaf, slice and serve. (Contains 9,000 calories.)

PINEAPPLE CREAM CHEESE CAKE.
★ 1 Betty Crocker white cake mix
★ 8 oz. can crushed pineapple with juice
★ 2 cups white sugar
★ 8 oz. package cream cheese
★ ½ cup butter, softened
★ 4 cups confectioners’ sugar
★ 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
★ 1 cup chopped pecans

Prepare cake mix according to instructions on package and bake in a 9" x 13" pan. Allow to cool. Combine pineapple and white sugar in a saucepan, bring to a boil and pour over cooled cake. In a large bowl, cream butter and cream cheese until smooth. Add confectioners’ sugar and beat until smooth. Add vanilla. Add pecans and mix well. Spread cream cheese frosting over cake. Serve with an angiogram and a side order of insulin.

For more of Elvis’ favorites you can check out www.themenziesera.com, www.dallasnews.com and www.gastronomydomine.com. Thank you for reading this ... and do let me know if you try any of these recipes. (I’d recommend paying up your health insurance premium first.)