UPS drivers are a bunch of whiny little girls.

In this post: Constipated deliveries.

So here’s the thing. Apparently UPS’s distribution facilities in the Dallas/Fort Worth area remain seriously constipated due to last week’s ice storm. Package deliveries, including two of mine, are backed up all over the damn place, so UPS has reassigned 2,000 extra employees — let’s think of them as human suppositories — from across the U.S. to get things moving again. Stuck somewhere in the backlog are my glass stacking canisters from Anchor Hocking and Sam’s new underpants from Amazon. Both deliveries should have been here on Tuesday. In a word, I’m REALLY CRUSHED. (Okay, two words.)

I tried to take a picture of my thumb lump but I can’t operate the camera with my crippled left hand.

In this post: Kvetch report, free food.

When you have arthritis like moi a forecast of rain is a forecast of PAIN. And right now I’ve got pain in spades. My joints are so stiff tonight I almost can’t move at all. A hot shower hasn’t helped and neither has vanilla soy milk with sugar-free sweet pickles — my number one favorite “go-to” snack when I’m feeling crabby or miserable. Even my hands hurt today. The fingers on my left hand all feel like they’re broken and I’ve got a huge lump on my right thumb that actually BURNS. I tried to take a picture of it for you but I can’t operate the camera with my crippled left hand. This sucks.

Holiday greetings from the Howdygram!

Shalom, ho-ho-ho and Merry Christmas from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep and I’m waiting up for Santa with TicTacs, a Marcytini and an assortment of individually-wrapped sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates. Marshmallows are my favorite, but I ran out of those last night so I’m currently working my way through a bag of truffles. The caramels are next.

There’s a ton of crappy weather on the way. A big fat cold front is scheduled to roll in around 6 a.m. with wind and horizontal rain changing over to snow by late afternoon when the temperature plummets into the 20s. We’re not expecting much snow accumulation — probably an inch or less — but that’s still considered a major winter weather event around here and the city of Dallas already has its plows on standby to clear the roads of all those terrifying flurries.

Sam and I watched a cringeworthy TV miniseries rerun last night on Encore ... a wannabe Biblical “epic” called Noah’s Ark from 1999 starring Jon Voight and Mary Steenburgen. Aside from the fact that nobody apparently bothered to research any actual Bible passages for this convoluted mess, the script, comical score and acting were so appalling that 45 minutes into the movie I thought I was watching a Monty Python spoof. The voice of God reminded me of Tony Randall; Noah’s three sons are British delinquents who fly kites.

Incidentally, the dude on the right pretending to be Captain Jack Sparrow is F. Murray Abraham as “Noah’s best friend Lot.” The producers failed to grasp that Lot doesn’t appear in the Bible until 300 years after Noah’s death, and he wasn’t a pal or a pirate, he was a descendant.

Lot also didn’t wear pink velvet sweatshirts or an eye patch. HOLY CRAP.

Part two is on tonight, so stay tuned for an in-depth review of the big flood. (No pun intended.)

In case you were worried that I didn’t download any additional new fonts yesterday, I’ll put your mind at ease. Here they are!

It’s 2:15 a.m. and there’s a huge thunderstorm plowing through here. I’ll include a weather map for your possible interest so you can see what’s going on. The pink pin with an asterisk denotes Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the senior citizen in a blue bathrobe with glasses.

Just between us, I don’t know how Sam is sleeping through this hoo-hah because he loves storms and usually jumps out of bed at the first rumble of thunder. (Maybe I’ll wake him up. He won’t get mad if I bring a muffin with me.) I wonder if Santa has been delayed.

Thank you for reading this.

I’m really fond of the Valley of the Lepers.

It’s early Sunday morning here in Howdygramland. The house is quiet, Sam is asleep and I’ve got TicTacs and a nice Marcytini to keep me company. It just doesn’t get much better than this. (Okay, sometimes it does.)

From our What the Hell Were They Thinking department comes my review of a little-known film called The Iron Petticoat (1956), an unfortunate, British-made cold war comedy that might be the worst movie ever produced. It’s a Ninotchka wannabe starring — brace yourself — BOB HOPE and KATHARINE HEPBURN. Seriously. Hepburn is a humorless Russian air force defector named Captain Vinka Kovelenko who wears medals to bed, brushes her teeth with a rag and has an accent so hideous you’ll be tempted to stab yourself in the head with an ice pick. Hope plays ladies’ man Major Chuck Lockwood and manages to throw in every sarcastic comedy gag from the Bing Crosby “Road” pictures. Apparently both stars realized the movie stunk before it was even finished and Bob Hope pulled it from public access for more than 40 years. (Too bad it didn’t stay there.)

After we watched the aforementioned Hope-Hepburn suckfest Sam made me promise to choose a quality movie, so we opted for Ben-Hur (1959) and loved every sweaty, inspirational minute of it.

My favorite scene is when Judah comes back from Rome in that gorgeous “young Arrius” outfit and pops in with a dozen sweet rolls to surprise his old friend Messala. (I might be kidding about the sweet rolls.) I’m also really fond of the Valley of the Lepers and don’t understand why everybody got so upset about moving there. I thought it looked nice.

In case you’ve been wondering about our weather in north Texas at this time of year, it was a balmy 80° on Saturday with more of the same forecast for today and Monday. Not bad for the first week of December! On the downside, however, we haven’t had any measurable rain around here for MONTHS. According to an article I read online last night, 94% of the state is abnormally dry, 55% is in severe drought, 25% is in extreme drought, our water storage reservoirs are only 64% full, 75% of our ranch cattle have been moved out of state and 45% of our winter wheat crop is considered “very poor.” In short, this is very, very lousy. AND IT’S ALL RICK PERRY’S FAULT.

I ordered something new and exciting the other day from Netrition.com. This time it’s a line of low-carb sugar-free crapola from a company in New Zealand called Jok-n-Al. They make apricot sauce (a sweet & sour knockoff), sweet & hot chili sauce, cocktail sauce, plum sauce, cranberry sauce, tomato onion relish and an entire line of fruit spreads. I ordered the apricot sauce and chili sauce. This is hugely exciting on a number of different levels, but mostly because nobody else makes anything remotely like them, I’ve never eaten food from New Zealand and I miss sweet & sour sauce desperately. Please stay tuned for a full report.

I’d better get myself to bed now. Thank you for reading this.

Tasteless muffins, cheesy movies and chicken things from Schwan’s.

Good afternoon, howdy and shalom! It’s been a hectic and productive day around here. So far my activities have included: 1) a one-hour nap; 2) baking a dozen low-carb blueberry muffins; 3) trying to buy insulin syringes online; and 4) recording a bunch of cheesy horror movies on TCM. In case you’re interested, #1 was excellent, #2 are tasteless, #3 was a waste of time (the best prices are actually in-person at Wal-Mart) and the jury is still out on #4 since the movies in question don’t begin until 8 p.m. tonight, at which time I’ll be watching the presidential debate on MSNBC while folding underwear concurrently.

The aforementioned cheesy movies are:

• The Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933) starring Fay Wray and Glenda Farrell.
• Doctor X (1932) starring Fay Wray and Lee Tracy.
• Mark of the Vampire (1935) starring Lionel Barrymore. 
• House of Dracula (1945) starring Lon Chaney, Jr., and John Carradine.
• Zombies of Mora Tau (1957) starring nobody you ever heard of.
• I Walked with a Zombie (1943) starring Frances Dee and Tom Conway.

I should mention that House of Dracula has a one-star rating and probably stinks.

Breaking news from the animal kingdom! An Einstein in Florida found herself on the local sheriff department’s “top ten most wanted” list after she was photographed riding a wild manatee at Fort De Soto Park on Sunday in the waters north of Gulf Pier. The woman turned herself in to police when she learned that riding a sea cow is considered a second-degree misdemeanor.

The Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act (would I joke about this?) states: “It is unlawful for any person at any time, by any means, or in any manner intentionally or negligently to annoy, molest, harass, or disturb or attempt to molest, harass, or disturb a manatee.” Miss Einstein faces a possible penalty of 60 days in jail and a fine of $500 even though authorities say the manatee didn’t file a complaint about being ridden like a pool toy. It should be noted that wild manatees can grow up to 12 feet in length and weigh about 2,000 pounds. They are also seriously ugly. Holy crap.

It’s 7 p.m. and I need to make some serious decisions about dinner. I’m leaning towards frozen chicken things from Schwan’s so I can try the new sugar-free barbecue sauce that  came yesterday from Netrition.com. Even though these Schwan’s whatnots are basically chicken nuggets on steroids they taste pretty good if you drown them in sauce. I don’t eat mine on buns, though. I don’t have any buns.

Thank you for reading this. Don’t forget to watch the debate, okay?

No longer news: Kate Middleton’s royal titties.

In case you haven’t noticed, nobody’s talking about Kate Middleton’s royal titties any more since they really weren’t that exciting from the get-go and nobody cares about them except her, anyway. And possibly the Queen. Thank you.

And now, dear readers, it’s time for another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery, featuring scary pictures of celebrities past and present.

While I have to admit that former French sex kitten Brigitte Bardot has NOT aged gracefully and Mark Hamill looks a lot like our mechanic at Pep Boys, I’d personally rather see a familiar face with wrinkles than a severely-remodeled version I wouldn’t recognize in a million years, such as Barry Manilow, with no lips, foam rubber cheek implants and a face like a Cabbage Patch doll, and Marie Osmond, an over-rouged Vegas drag queen who should consider suing whoever does her hair and makeup. The poor thing looks like a 60-year-old man who’s trying to look like Marie Osmond.

I’d better withdraw my claws now so I can continue typing.

I ordered another load of crapola this morning from Netrition.com, my favorite source for fabulous and surprisingly cheap low-carb products. Today’s treasures included Dixie Diner Low-Carb Instant Mashers, Low-Carb Pound Cake Mix and Low-Carb Muffin Mixes (Corn, Blueberry and Chocolate Chocolate Chip), two bottles of Guy’s Award-Winning Sugar-Free BBQ Sauce (original and spicy) and one bottle of DaVinci’s Sugar-Free Unflavored Sweetener Syrup to make everything I eat and bake taste like it’s exploding with sugar. Welcome to Diabetesland!

Tonight’s my night to fuss around in the kitchen so Sam can eat things when he gets home from work. I’ll be baking a loaf of caraway rye in my bread machine and a pan of Pillsbury Sugar-Free Fudge Brownies. (They’re so good you’d never guess there’s no sugar.)

Incidentally, tonight is also the big finale of “Top Chef Masters” on Bravo, where you get to watch very talented people preparing food for a panel of annoying judges. At the top of this list is Annoying Judge James Oseland (see right), editor of “Saveur” magazine, who constantly makes his sexual orientation a little too obvious for a show that’s supposed to be about cooking.

Thank you for reading this. All of a sudden I have a craving for tuna salad.

Holy crap. I love flat-rate shipping!

Oy, what a deal! I just discovered a cheapo new source for my favorite DaVinci sugar-free beverage syrups. I used to buy directly from DaVinci’s website at $7.99 each until I found them for $4.95 at Lollicup.com, which would have been really swell if Lollicup’s insane shipping charges didn’t eat up the savings. Perseverance definitely pays off, though, because today I found out that Netrition.com, my favorite diabetic low-carb mecca, carries the entire line of DaVinci syrups (dozens of flavors!) for $4.95 FLAT-RATE SHIPPING. Glorioski! So I ordered ten bottles — lime, raspberry, watermelon, vanilla, two banana, two blueberry, two peach — plus a squeezy thing of reduced sugar Heinz ketchup and a big fat jar of Smokin’ Joe Jones no-sugar-added “Taste of Mississippi” barbecue sauce. That’s a lot of tonnage to ship for $4.95. Yee haw!

In other news, the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com are forecasting three days of substantial rain here in the Dallas metro area, starting around 6 p.m. tonight with a cold front and several hours of thunderstorms. I’ll believe it when I see it, of course, but in the meantime it’s a pleasant little fantasy. We need the water.

Thought y’all might enjoy the following photos borrowed from Friends of Irony. Be sure to check out their website for more fun crap like this.

An afternoon nap and a Margaret Rutherford movie would be really awesome right about now. Thanks for stopping by. Seriously.

PB2 looks and tastes like something you’d scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

Today’s pet peeve. Products that get phenomenal reviews online but turn out to be total crap. I refer specifically to PB2 and PB2 with Premium Chocolate, overpriced powdered peanut butter products that are sold mostly by Internet retailers — or in health food stores — to idiots like me who get sucked in by five-star reviews. “PB2 with Chocolate tastes just like a Reese’s peanut butter cup!” No, actually, it doesn’t. It looks and tastes more like something you’d scrape off the bottom of your shoe. I bought one jar of each flavor last week during a visit to Sugarless DeLite in north Dallas.

PB2 is marketed as a healthy peanut butter substitute with 85% less fat and calories and “all the flavor of real peanut butter” when reconstituted with ordinary tap water. Horseshit. You wind up with gritty, inedible slime that tastes best when you shovel it into the garbage disposer. I couldn’t eat even one spoonful, and that’s a depressing investment at $7.49 per jar.

And now for something completely different. During a brief shopping junket yesterday at Tom Thumb I bought myself a jar of SUGAR-FREE SWEET PICKLES, as pictured below. My favorite way to eat sweet pickles is with a grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate milk. Other dining options include: 1) skip the grilled cheese and just eat them with chocolate milk; 2) chop them up in tuna salad; or 3) that’s probably about it.

These Mt. Olive No Sugar Added Sweet Gherkins are teeny, crunchy and sweet but not quite sweet enough, so feel free to dredge them in Equal.

In case you’re interested, my haircut turned out GREAT this morning! I went to Salon 2000, the biggest salon in Mesquite, which apparently must be quite a distinction because they mention it constantly. Salon 2000 is a little more expensive than salons I’ve used in recent years but at least I didn’t come home with a shaved head. Plus, Tiffany gave me a couple of free Redken samples. I love free Redken samples.

And now I think I’ll mosey into the kitchen to rustle up some grub for Sam and me. Thank you for reading this.

Callista Gingrich scares the crap out of me.

Wednesday is the only day of the week there’s any substantial activity here at Howdygram headquarters. Our landscapers get here at the crack of dawn and mow at 7:30 in the morning (I’m usually asleep and don’t know what’s going on), our biweekly maid service shows up at 9:45 and the Schwan’s delivery dude gets here at 11:30. Today’s bounty included a load of frozen mozzarella sticks, a bag of Krunchie Potato Wedges — how kute! how kreative! — and assorted other whatnots. Afterwards Sam and I drove up to north Dallas to buy some low-carb crapola from Sugarless DeLite because they’re having a 20% off sale and my life wouldn’t be complete without cheap granola and low-carb noodles.

You may (or may not) recall that Sam and I have been busy collecting quart bottles of DaVinci sugar-free syrup for the last several weeks. So far we’ve got Banana, Peach, Raspberry, Lime, Chocolate, Watermelon, Caramel and Egg Nog, and as of 4:40 yesterday afternoon Cherry, Root Beer and Pineapple were on the way.

We use most of these to make gourmet sugar-free sodas — five pumps of syrup, 12 ounces of cold seltzer, six ice cubes — and the Caramel and Egg Nog flavors get squirted into coffee or sugar-free hot chocolate. FYI, DaVinci syrups are liquid like water (not thick like Hershey syrup) with very intense flavors. Sometimes I get so excited I wish I could hook up an I.V. Seriously.

And now for some wonderful news! Newt Gingrich, the delusional narcissist from Georgia, has finally admitted failure in his bid for the GOP’s 2012 presidential nomination.

I’m relieved as hell to know this blowhard is finally off the national stage and sincerely hope this is the last time I’ll have to look at his face in connection with any public office. For the record, I’m not too crazy about his wife, either. You know, the scary one who’s parading around Washington with half a million dollars’ worth of Tiffany jewelry.

And now I think I’m sufficiently ready to hit the sack, having written a long and generally meaningless post with a number of excellent photos. Stay tuned for a medical update later today after my follow-up appointment with Dr. M, okay? Thank you for reading this.

Victorian-Vampires-Meet-Hasidic-Jews ... fashion for the 21st century.

For those of you who missed the big finale last night, goofy little Mondo won “Project Runway All Stars.” This time it was easy enough to predict, since Michael showed half a dozen dopey animal print outfits you could buy at Penney’s 10 years ago and the theme of Austin’s collection was Victorian Vampires Meet Hasidic Jews. He even instructed the hair stylist to give his models sideburn curls. I kid you not.

To illustrate my point I’m pleased to provide examples of the aforementioned losing fashion collections, although Austin’s insane pink knickers (see below) would be perfect for shoplifting TicTacs and disposable razors at Wal-Mart in Brooklyn. I’m just saying.

In other entertainment news, Sam and I watched a crappy science fiction movie this morning called X: The Unknown (1956) starring Dean Jagger as Dr. Adam Royston and nobody else you ever heard of except for Anthony Newley in a bit part. The basic plot is, near a remote Army base in Scotland the ground cracks open and a mysterious vapor starts killing Einsteins who get too close. Local genius scientist Dean Jagger decides the crack is a “bottomless pit” — he definitely knows this for sure, right? — and the vapor has to be radiation. As a matter of fact, it’s not long before a growing blob of RADIOACTIVE PANCAKE BATTER starts oozing its way all over the countryside, feeding on energy from Dean Jagger’s lab, terrifying the citizens and heading towards an experimental nuclear power station for “the biggest meal of its life.” In the meantime everybody’s running around with geiger counters and soldiers are shooting the batter with pistols, prompting Dean Jagger to philosophize: “This is basically just mud. How do you kill mud?”

In the photo directly above, from left to right, are three people I don’t know plus Dean Jagger. (Nice hat.)

Sam is still at the office. He has no idea what time he’s coming home so I’ve decided to park myself in the family room and eat things, beginning with homemade tomato soup. This is a dorky recipe I invented myself because canned tomato soup is loaded with corn syrup and I’m diabetic. Therefore, I heat up two 15-ounce cans of diced tomatoes — the kind with onions and celery — plus a wallop of cayenne pepper and seven packages of Equal. As soon as it simmers I pour in two teaspoons of corn starch mixed with ¼-cup of nonfat milk, and voilá ... Marcy’s Amazing Sugar-Free Cream of Tomato Soup!

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

Stupid new products from the 2012 International Home and Housewares Show.

Before I leap into the subject at hand, this is what happens around here when I get a craving for something sweet in the middle of the night and there’s no more sugar-free pie. I start horsing around on Wal-Mart’s website and place an order for the following awesome products:

A couple of details I’d like to mention: 1) Smucker’s sugar-free caramel topping is fat-free, too; and 2) I never knew until 15 minutes ago that Vlasic makes sugar-free bread & butter pickles. I love these stupid things and I’m so excited I can hardly breathe. YEE-HAW! As soon as everything is delivered on Wednesday I’m immedately going to eat peanut butter with raspberry preserves for lunch and baloney on white bread for dinner with a pile of Vlasic pickles.

Holy crap. Fine dining!

You may have seen the news recently that Dick Van Dyke, age 86, married a spunky 40-year-old makeup artist named Arlene Silver in Malibu on February 29. I totally get it that Van Dyke wants companionship. What I don’t get is why Arlene wants to see him naked.

And finally, here’s the latest scoop from the International Home and Housewares Show currently underway at McCormick Place in Chicago. The hot new products of 2012 include: 1) fancy slip-on covers called Garbage Pantz in a variety of exciting patterns that will dress up your outdoor trash cans; 2) overpriced Kitchen Aid appliances in idiotic colors when white no longer performs to your satisfaction; 3) Teflon-coated Toast Bags for sliced bread in case you’re sick of cleaning the crumb tray in your toaster (you’re supposed to clean the crumb tray?); and 4) Mighty Mugs that will never tip over unless Junior decides to drop-kick one across the kitchen.

And now I think I’ll forage for leftovers, pour myself a nice tall Marcy-tini and read my Clifton Webb autobiography for a while. If you like books by deceased actors, this one is really a gem.

Thank you for reading this.

Sock-folding party tonight at 8. Mark your calendar.

Okay, so here’s the deal. Sam leaves tomorrow for eight days in southern California and I’ll be home alone in Texas with the Howdygram, the Internet and a couple of credit cards. Holy crap, does life ever get better than this?

I actually jumped the gun before dawn this morning with a mini-spree on eDietShop.com and Low-Carb.com, where I bought myself three packages of sugar-free pumpkin pie mix, three sugar-free graham cracker crusts, a bag of sugar-free Hershey’s chocolate chips and a box of Dreamfields low-carb angel hair pasta. (I apologize profusely. I could only find a photo of rotini.)

Just for the record, that sugar-free pumpkin pie mix is TO DIE FOR. Just throw it in the blender with four cups of nonfat milk, whiz it around for about 30 seconds and glorioski, you’ve got pie! You can either pour this into a pie crust and refrigerate for two hours or — what I did — into a big bowl like pudding. You can order it here. FYI, those sugar-free graham cracker crusts are also available at your local Wal-Mart grocery store and on Amazon.com, except Amazon makes you buy a dozen at a time. This sucks unless you’re planning to make dessert for a shelter full of homeless diabetics.

My one big project for today other than designing a newsletter for a Lutheran church in Virginia  — seriously — is LAUNDRY so Sam will have everything he needs for his trip. He’ll pack when he gets home from work tonight because we need to be at the airport tomorrow morning by 8:30. For your possible interest I’m pleased to provide this map that illustrates the location of: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. This represents a pretty decent shlep of approximately 35 miles each way.

I’d better get started on all that laundry. Send an email if you’d like to stop by later with a bag of chips for a sock-folding party. We can watch last night’s episode of “Project Runway All Stars.” Thank you for reading this.

Introducing the official Howdygram food pyramid.

Can you smell it? I just took a sugar-free yellow cake out of the oven to cool. Frosting is the next step because every cake is better with frosting. For those of you considering a healthier diet for the new year, you may be interested to know that frosted cake stands alone at the top of the Howdygram’s official food pyramid, directly above Coke Zero.

I, for one, sincerely hope these recommendations will help all of you make better choices. I also try to consider a green vegetable at least once a month and in lieu of fruit I like gummi bears or jello.

We’ve had considerable rainfall around here today as illustrated by the map below. Our total so far is about 1½ inches with more on the way tonight and tomorrow. Howdygram headquarters is denoted by the red star, but there’s no point zooming in because you can’t see me. (It’s 47° and I’m in the house.)

In breaking news, an article this afternoon on ABC News’ website reported that Alaska’s former “first dude” Todd Palin, spouse of Sarah Einstein Palin, has endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. As if anybody really gives a crap what Todd Palin thinks. (All I need now is Kim Kardashian’s valued opinion and I’m ready to cast my vote.)

Sam will be home from work soon so I’d better frost my cake. Thanks for stopping by. Incidentally, you look terrific. Have you taken off some weight?

Ernest Borgnine is no Gene Kelly and other critical observations.

It’s Friday afternoon and I have a headache and a craving for liverwurst. This is mildly frightening, so to help ward off the demons I’ve decided to write a post that covers at least 263 different topics. Thank you for putting up with me.

Weekend plans. Sam promised me a trip to the Choctaw Casino tomorrow to play the penny slots and eat sugar-free pie, activities that seem to evoke an equally gleeful response every time he suggests them to me. We’re expecting glorious January weather — 62° with sunshine — and I might even take a few pictures to share with y’all afterwards. Then again, maybe not. On Sunday we have no plans at all, which is probably a good thing because I’ve got a couple of client projects to finish and lately it’s getting harder and harder to find the motivation. I’ve developed a snotty attitude and I want to retire.

Limited-time special while quantities last. Now that I’m all set up to process credit card sales online with a “virtual terminal” it’s probably a good time to sell the hardwired desktop terminal I’ve been using for the last couple of years.

The Nurit 2085 requires a phone jack and an electrical outlet, accepts standard rolls of 2¼-inch thermal receipt tape, is fun to dust and has little rubbery buttons that beep. You can buy the terminal new on Amazon.com for about $145 but I’ll sacrifice mine for $50 with the original box and six new rolls of receipt tape since I don’t need those any more, either. Please send me an email if any of this sounds interesting to you. By the way, you need a merchant account in order to use a credit card terminal. (I shouldn’t have to mention this, but you never know.)

Coyote serenades the Great Dallas Earthquake of 2012. On Friday morning a teeny little temblor occured in Dallas near University Park. The 2.0 magnitude quake was recorded at Northwest Highway and Inwood Road just after midnight. The U.S. Geological Survey says there were no reports of damage but a woman in Starbucks claims she heard a coyote. (I suggest she might consider cutting back on the caffeine.) For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) The epicenter at Northwest Highway and Inwood; and B) Starbucks. I have no idea whatsoever where the coyote was located.

Frankly, a 2.0 quake is about the same as a fart and not really worth mentioning. It’s amazing what I’ll do to fill up the Howdygram, isn’t it?

Anybody remember Meg Ryan? These before and after pictures pretty much say it all. The Howdygram’s official style maven — yours truly — thinks it might be time for Meg to give up on plastic surgery and that bed-head hairdo. (What looked cute at 25 gets scary at 50.)

And speaking of scary ... Transgender doofus Chaz Bono is in the news again today, announcing that he finally saved up enough money to buy himself a weenie so he can pee like a real guy in public bathrooms. I’m not joking about this.

She He will travel to Belgrade for the surgery because it’s only $45,000 and a lot less expensive than in the U.S. Chaz says he didn’t try to borrow penis money from his mother (Cher) because he wants to be self-sufficient. Also because she’d probably whack him in the head with a frying pan. (Note to Cher: it might help.).

Tinseltown’s finest hour. And finally, as a glaring example of inexplicable Hollywood casting, here’s Ernest Borgnine singing and dancing with Gordon MacRae and Dan Dailey in 1956’s musical flop The Best Things in Life Are Free. Borgnine’s performance, which could be classified as a classic train wreck, comes just one year after he played the sadistic villain in Bad Day at Black Rock and won a best actor Oscar for the title role in Paddy Chayefsky’s beloved drama, Marty. This video clip is actually fun to watch, however, because the big oaf is obviously enjoying himself. (As far as I know Borgnine never sang again on screen, and for that we should all be sincerely grateful.)

One last thought. Those Pillsbury sugar-free brownies turned out GREAT last night! Sam plunged in the minute he got home from work and ate two so fast I think he forgot to chew. Thank you for reading this.

June Cleaver, up close and personal.

I don’t know if you can smell this or not, but I’ve got pan of SUGAR-FREE FUDGE BROWNIES in the oven! Sam issued a special request yesterday after he brought home that truckload of Pillsbury mixes from Wal-Mart. I had hoped to bake them right away but didn’t have a chance after I got caught up in all that crap about my “virtual terminal.” It’s just not possible to pretend I’m June Cleaver when I actually want to bludgeon everybody in technical support.

Incidentally, for those of you younger than 50 who have no idea who June Cleaver is, she was a popular and practically perfect TV sitcom mom on “Leave It to Beaver” from 1957 to 1963 (learn more). June, Ward, Wally and The Beaver lived at 211 Pine Street in the fictitious town of Mayfield. June wore pearls in the kitchen to bake cookies and never trusted Eddie Haskell. She did, however, like Lumpy Rutherford and Beaver’s teacher, Miss Landers. A photo of the Cleavers’ previously-mentioned residence appears below. If it looks slightly familiar, this is the same house Universal Studios used for “Marcus Welby, M.D.” Seriously.

I just realized I haven’t eaten anything whatsoever since 11:15 this morning, so in the interest of expedience and convenience — and also to feed my favorite addiction — I just placed a nice order from China City that should be here around 9. I usually don’t order food this late. I’m living dangerously in my old age.

Thank you for reading this.

The Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012 and other issues.

I have no idea why I’m writing a post because I’m so damn tired I can’t see straight. I woke up way too early this morning (6:30) and never bothered going back to bed. I actually feel somewhat inebriated but without the benefit of free pretzels or happy hour.

The Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012. The bigger issue today, however, concerns Pillsbury. This morning I tried to reorder their sugar-free cake mixes and frosting from Low Carb Connoisseur and couldn’t find them on their website. So I send an email to their customer service department and they write back to tell me PILLSBURY HAS DISCONTINUED ALL OF THEIR SUGAR-FREE PRODUCTS. Holy mother of crap! I take a quick look to see if I can still order from Amazon.com but I’d have to spend $39.99 for six cake mixes from a seller in Ohio plus an extra $9.99 for shipping ... the equivalent of $8.33 for each box of cake mix. This is seriously outrageous.

By now Sam can tell I’m becoming hysterical, inconsolable and generally over-wrought, so he drives down the street to Wal-Mart and comes home half an hour later with a veritable TRUCKLOAD of sugar-free Pillsbury cake mixes, sugar free Pillsbury fudge brownie mixes and cans of sugar-free Pillsbury frosting! AND THEY’RE CHEAP, TOO! For the record, I eventually checked out Pillsbury’s website (they have several and it took a while to find the right one), but since they’re still promoting their line of sugar-free products I can only assume that everybody at Low Carb Connoisseur must be criminally insane or on drugs. And with that, the Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012 draws to a close.

In other news, you might be interested to know that I’m also up to my ears in a big hoo-hah concerning the new credit card payment system I signed up for ... a “virtual terminal” that operates online. A couple of hours ago they send me a tedious welcome email in 8-point type with enough instructions and secret codes to build a stealth bomber, ending with the following paragraph:

“Please note that integrating to the QuickCommerce Payment Gateway requires Web programming. You will need a knowledgeable Web developer to manage your payment gateway integration.”

I have no idea what this means, and I’ve been designing websites and writing HTML code for more than ten years. I tried three times to contact their support hotline but apparently these clowns don’t like to answer the phone, either. After 10 rings you get a message that basically says, “What’s wrong with you ... can’t you see we’re busy? Call us back.” They don’t put you on hold, they don’t give you any options, and they don’t transfer you to voice mail and offer to return the call. Nothing. I’m already pissed off and I haven’t even set up my account yet.

Please help me. I need to slap somebody right now and I’m home alone. Thank you in advance for your attention to my request.

A little Bing, a little Brian and a couple of “Cops.”

Tuesday will be a major event at Howdygram headquarters because we’re expecting THREE EXCITING DELIVERIES … an OXO stainless steel sponge holder and a stunning upholstered bench from Amazon.com and a couple of Pillsbury sugar-free devil’s food cake mixes from Low Carb Connoisseur.

The sponge holder and bench are pictured above (not shown actual size). I won’t bother posting a photo of a Pillsbury cake mix because everybody should know what this looks like unless you’re from Kazakhstan.

Sam and I had a nice, quiet day today. The weather was crappy (cold, wet, overcast) so we didn’t feel compelled to do very much besides lunch at Pei Wei and a nap when we got home. For dinner I made a terrific one-pot Greek rice dish — it’s one of Sam’s favorites — with plenty leftover for a few meals during the week. I’ll post the recipe tomorrow for your possible interest. We also watched Going My Way with Bing Crosby, a terrific documentary about Brian Wilson and two episodes of “Cops” before Sam decided to hit the sack. I’ll be joining him shortly but first I need a quick trip to the kitchen for some lemonade. I’m thirsty.

Thanks for stopping by tonight. Say hi to the family for me, okay?

Nothing says Hanukkah like toes, cake and mousse.

Before I forget … Happy Hanukkah from your pals at the Howdygram! Hanukkah starts at sundown tonight and lasts for eight days, which means there’s still time to send me some presents. Please allow me to suggest the following last-minute gift options: 1) cash; 2) a set of place mats; 3) a large box of Equal packets; and 4) one week in Grand Cayman with Sam, including airfare, meals and new shoes. Click here if you need my shipping address.

In case you’re interested, Sam says he’s giving me eight of his toes for Hanukkah. A different toe every night. I’m actually excited about this.

Breaking news ... my first order from eDietShop.com (see previous post) just showed up and I’m so happy I can hardly stand it. I bought two sugar-free mousse mixes, one package of sugar-free pumpkin pie mix and a big pouch of sugar-free raspberry jello mix. No surprise, I just discovered that Amazon.com sells the same brand (Sans Sucre) at a slightly higher price but with free two-day shipping. I just ordered these flavors:

Howdygram headquarters will be overrun with mousse as soon as I get myself a gallon of nonfat milk, although I might need more refrigerator space. Please send an email if you have an extra shelf I can borrow.

I think I’ll empty the dishwasher now and then make some dinner so I can have cake for dessert. I love cake. Thanks for stopping by.

At last ... a source for sugar-free marshmallow Peeps.

I’ll bet you thought I wouldn’t write a post today because it’s almost 10 p.m. and  you haven’t heard a peep from me since last night. To tell you the truth, it’s been a lazy, sleepy Sunday around here with overcast weather and no real motivation to do much of anything except eat lox and bagels and sleep through a couple of movies. If I hadn’t read the news that Britney Spears got engaged, Sunday might have been a total loss.

We’re expecting a full day of thunderstorms here on Monday. Unfortunately, a crappy weather forecast totally screws the Costco junket I’d been planning. When it’s a week before Christmas the only time to do Costco is with the “cane and walker brigade” — a group to which I proudly belong — when the doors open at 10. I guess I’ll have to go Tuesday instead. If they’re out of stuffed mushrooms I swear I’ll have a brain hemhorrage. (Costco makes the best stuffed mushrooms on earth.)

FYI, if you’re a diabetic no-sugar neurotic like I am I’ve just discovered another cool website that might interest you. It’s Low Carb Connoisseur, and they’ve got an outrageous variety of must-have products such as sugar-free MARSHMALLOW PEEPS,  sugar-free RUSSELL STOVER EASTER BUNNIES and sugar-free HOT TAMALES GUM. Oy!

They also carry all of Pillsbury’s sugar-free cake mixes and frosting. Amazon.com might be slightly cheaper for these but Low Carb Connoisseur doesn’t make you buy everything in multiples of six, which can be an advantage if you’re not baking for the Marine Corps.

One final thought, which I’ll reinforce with an appropriate photo ... RICK PERRY IS A TOTAL IDIOT.

Now he’s telling Christians to stop being “politically correct” and drag their faith into political forums, demand prayer in public and prayer in schools, force everybody to celebrate Christmas and make the rest of us feel like outcasts. Frankly, Governor Perry, you’re a fool who shouldn’t be running for President. You should be running for Pastor-in-Chief of your neighborhood Baptist church. 

Thank you for putting up with me.