To my 12 remaining clients: it’s time to move on and leave me alone.

In this post: Dumping clients, pickles & biscuits, a shitty movie.

Here’s some big news from the world of Marcy’s Retirement! About an hour ago I started composing an email announcement to my 12 remaining clients that I’m closing down what’s left of my website design business by the end of this year so it’s time for them to move on and leave me alone. Why now? Because I received an email this afternoon from a client in South Carolina (he owns a custom bakery) who wants to expand his website with six new pages, four million cupcake pictures and an online ordering system. After I said hell no, fat chance, take your business somewhere else, it occurred to me this was an absolutely perfect opportunity to let all of my clients know what I plan to do. Last June I stopped accepting credit cards and all new business; now I’m finally ready to end everything else. I’m so excited I might have a brain hemorrhage. With apologies to Martin Luther King, FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I’M FREE AT LAST! (You get my drift.)

It’s time for a new season of psychotic crab fishermen freezing to death on the Bering Sea.

In this post: Changes, canned ham, crab fishermen.

I’m excited to begin a new week with a gigantic announcement: I’VE DECIDED TO USE A DARKER SHADE OF BROWN FOR THE CONTENT OF MY HOWDYGRAM POSTS! In case you don’t believe me or can’t remember what the old shade of brown looked like, here’s a convenient side-by-side illustration to share with your friends and relatives.

Cut-up chicken whatnots from Schwan’s are a perfect convenience for the modern housewife.

Here’s a late-breaking story from our Financial News Desk! I am now an official Netrition.com affiliate because I frequently use a considerable amount Howdygram real estate to rave about their products and their website, and I figured why not try to make a few extra bucks while I’m at it. I have no idea if any of my readers actually shop on Netrition.com, but if you click through using any link on the Howdygram I’ll eventually be a millionaire! (Okay, I might be exaggerating. Maybe they’ll pay me $35.)

I am a modern housewife. I just ordered a sack of pre-cooked, pre-cubed frozen chicken from Schwan’s so I won’t have to cook and cube my own damn chicken any more. (For some reason that looks a whole lot worse in print than I thought it would.) This stuff gets excellent customer reviews online — no surprise — for flavor and convenience, but at $13 a bag they’d better be 100% INCREDIBLE. I get my biweekly Schwan’s delivery tomorrow morning. Please stay tuned for a full review.

There’s hot news tonight from the Middle East. At least three men from the United Arab Emirates attending the Heritage & Cultural Festival in Saudi Arabia were kicked out of the country when religious police officers decided they were “too handsome” to stay. Members of the Saudi mutaween police suddenly stormed the pavilion and removed the men by force after the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vices feared that female festival visitors would find them “too irresistible.” The Emirati delegates were deported back to their home country. In my opinion, the only Arab who’d ever qualify for deportation on these grounds would be Sherif Ali* and DEFINITELY NOT the sword-swinging screwballs pictured in the photo below. Holy crap.

*That’s Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia. (He was even prettier than Peter O’Toole.)

One final thought before I join Sam in the family room to watch tonight’s episodes of “Deadliest Catch” and “Hardcore Pawn.” In case you’ve ever wondered how much sugar you’re actually consuming, check out the following video clip.



Pass the Splenda and thank you for reading this.

Holy McShitsky ... healthy options for world-class athletes!

First and foremost, please accept my apology for not writing any Howdygram posts for the last couple of days. On Sunday I got caught up making tacos and watching the British Open, and yesterday I spent most of the day working on website updates for a couple of annoying clients who are — is there a nice way to say this? — TECHNICAL IGNORAMUSES who don’t know a URL from a potted plant. (I definitely like their money, however.)

Breaking news from the London Olympics! After facing lots of flak and official scrutiny for being the world’s largest purveyor of USELESS HIGH-FAT CRAP, McDonald’s — the 2012 Games’ exclusive food vendor — has decided to promote itself as “low calorie” and “healthy” by distributing a chart of its menu items under 400 calories. This would include favorites like Sausage McMuffins, “snack size” Oreo McFlurries, a single hamburger, a small order of fries and water. Please keep in mind, however, that a typical McDonald’s meal adds up to far more than “400 calories.” A couple of McDoubles, a large order of fries and a chocolate shake contain 2,168 calories and 246 grams of fat. Holy McShitsky ... let’s thank McDonald’s for all these healthy options for world-class athletes!

In case you’re looking for some top-quality TV entertainment tonight, the Howdygram recommends the two-hour season finale of “Deadliest Catch” on Discovery and this week’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV. No kidding, these are the best programs on television and if you’re not watching regularly a lot of high-quality reality is passing you by.

“Deadliest Catch” delivers the life-and-death hijinks of crab fishermen on the Bering Sea; with “Hardcore Pawn” you get a family of bickering Jewish pawnbrokers (visit their website) battling homicidal lunatics in the bowels of Detroit. Seriously, what’s not to love?

On the subject of homicidal lunatics for a minute, accused mass murderer James Holmes appeared confused and unstable in a Colorado court yesterday, where he exhibited signs of psychotic behavior and even nodded off during the proceedings. Experts are scrambling for an explanation and several have suggested that Holmes could be “faking it.” Trust me, HE’S NOT. Holmes is criminally isane. He let police capture him alive, told them his apartment was booby-trapped and then sat in jail playing with evidence bags like hand puppets. The face pictured below is Satan with a L’Oreal Paris dye job. 

On a more cheerful note, in a few minutes I’m going to watch one of my all-time favorite napping movies: Around the World in 80 Days (1956) with David Niven and Cantinflas. The musical score and cinematography are hypnotic, and the cast is a who’s who of classic movie star cameos featuring Ronald Colman, Noel Coward, John Gielgud, Charles Boyer, Gilbert Roland, Frank Sinatra, Cedric Hardwicke, George Raft, Marlene Dietrich, Peter Lorre, Red Skelton and Buster Keaton, to name a few. Also Andy Devine and Cesar Romero. (God forbid I should forget Andy Devine and Cesar Romero.)

Thank you for reading this. I know I say this a lot, but I’m not joking.

Things I want but know I’ll never have.

As I sit here trying to decide what I want for dinner I’m thinking why not kill a couple of birds with a rock and also write a Howdygram post. So here I am, throwing rocks. My first order of business is a short list of things I want but know I’ll never have, a fantasy that frequently comes to mind now that I’m a senior citizen with false teeth and a cane.

1. A teeny helicopter.
2. A gated driveway.
3. A SodaStream machine with accessories.
4. A moat.
5. A whole Sara Lee cherry cheesecake with a quart of milk and a spoon.
6. Servants in uniforms.
7. Size 7½ feet.
8. My own cactus pear ranch.

This list doesn’t depress me, however, because I can always fill the emptiness with “Hardcore Pawn” reruns — easily the best show on television — and my adorable, attentive and entertaining husband, Sam. Also Mongolian chicken. Not necessarily in that order.

Yesterday I watched a couple of PBS specials about Britain’s monarchy that taught me a number of exciting new facts about the Windsors, two of which I’ll share with you here.

To begin, this week marks Britain’s annual “swan census” — correctly known as swan upping — during which several crews of silly dudes with fancy outfits and royal canoes patrol the entire length of the River Thames to count swans, which all belong to the Queen, because God forbid a swan should go missing. The chief silly dude is David Barber, Royal Swan Marker. I wonder if he uses a Sharpie.

I also learned that the Yeoman Warders — sometimes called “Beefeaters” — are the Queen’s ceremonial bodyguards at the Tower of London. The key word here is “ceremonial,” since most of these dudes are overweight retirees too old to tie their own shoes. Historically their primary function has been to keep an eye on the crown jewels and look after prisoners, although the latter have been in short supply since 1799. There’s also a Yeoman Warder Ravenmaster whose full-time job is to babysit six ravens. According to legend, if the ravens ever escape the Tower and monarchy will crumble. Even though this is obviously horseshit, the Queen feels justified to pay all of these doofuses a generous annual salary and dress them up like a bunch of cartoon characters. Their positions and uniforms date back to 1485.

The most sought-after career in Britain has to be milliner. Learn how to make hats and you’re set for life. Holy crap.

And now I think I’ll take a hot shower and watch a few of the aforementioned “Hardcore Pawn” reruns. A new episode is airing as I write this post but Sam and I will watch it together when he gets home from work along with this week’s episode of “Deadliest Catch.” Thank you for reading this.

Holy crap. I’ve turned into a bowl of toxic soup.

So here’s the weekend outlook from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! We’ve got severe thunderstorms on the way Saturday night and all day Sunday plus a chance for tornadoes on Sunday. Since most of the area is still recovering from that record-breaking tornado outbreak on April 3 I wouldn’t mind skipping the wind, hail and fireworks and just get down to essentials ... all I really want is a good soaking RAIN. Below is a map of Sunday’s predicted storm activity, courtesy of Weather.com.

So far so good with my new diabetes meds. My blood sugar was slightly lower today than yesterday — please feel free to cheer — and I seriously hope the trend continues so we can finally get this sucker under control. I just injected my nightly dose of insulin and celebrated by swallowing a fistful of assorted pills: two Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazides, three Amitriptyline Hydrochlorides, one Atorvastatin (the generic version of Lipitor) and one Spironolactone, all working diligently to treat a number of chronic health conditions such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol and peripheral neuropathy. I also take four Glyburide tablets every day (two at breakfast, two at dinner) to help control my blood sugar because apparently insulin isn’t enough all by itself.

Holy crap. I’ve turned into a bowl of TOXIC SOUP.

Sam is asleep in the family room pretending to watch a bunch of “Deadliest Catch” reruns so maybe this is a good time to sneak a quick shower before he wakes up. Tomorrow’s agenda includes grocery shopping and Sam promised to assemble the new rolling laundry sorter I bought last month — pictured below for your possible interest — because my old one pretty much bit the dust.

We’re also planning to watch a couple of classic Walter Huston movies tomorrow ... The Devil and Daniel Webster (1941) and Dodsworth (1936). These are two of our all-time favorites. If you’d like to join us I’m making grilled cheese for dinner with a side order of Vlasic pickles.

The cast of Dodsworth also includes Mary Astor — we love Mary Astor! — and David Niven. Thank you for reading this.

Life just doesn’t offer enough opportunities to eat cold pink soup.

Before I get busy folding sheets I thought I’d provide a live update from the Howdygram’s Manischewitz beet borscht cam … my delivery is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon via UPS! This is positively thrilling on a number of different levels, including: 1) I haven’t had beet borscht for at least 10 years; 2) beet borscht is fun and tasty; and 3) when you add sour cream it turns PINK, and life just doesn’t offer enough opportunities to eat cold pink soup!

You, too, should be eating beet borscht. You can buy it in your local market or order yours online here, like I do. Thank you.

I’m annoyed to report that every day I seem to creep a little farther away from retirement. Out of the blue I landed yet another new website client today, the owners of a wedding venue in South Carolina. As soon as I get the go-ahead I’ll send them my standard contract to sign. And as long as I’m on the subject, you can check out the new website I launched last week for Gardenia’s Custom Cakes & Catering. Like it?

A quick reminder ... the new season of “Deadliest Catch” premiers Tuesday night on the Discovery Channel, where you can enjoy all the daffy hijinks of crab fishermen on the Bering Sea. This series is best viewed in high-definition, so please take advantage of this advance notice to run out and buy yourself a fancy new TV if you don’t already have one. I also strongly recommend wearing warm socks. Seriously.

Thanks so much for stopping by tonight.

Good movies, swell latkes and a Googled pie.

I’ve got something really important to tell you so please stop checking your Facebook page for two minutes and pay attention. The new season of “Deadliest Catch” — the Discovery Channel’s hit series about lunatics hunting for crab off the coast of Alaska — will premier on April 12. This is the only reality show that Sam will watch and it’s positively INCREDIBLE in high definition. As a matter of fact, “Deadliest Catch” might be the #1 best reason to use your tax refund to buy an HD-TV. I mean this sincerely.

There’s not much else to report unless you’d like to know that we had a nice lunch on Sunday at Mariano’s Hacienda. Then, following an intense two-hour nap that I really didn’t need, I made a swell batch of “latkes” and a sugar-free banana cream pie for dinner, after which we enjoyed a couple of excellent movies: What Price Hollywood — the original, racier version of A Star Is Born from 1932 — with Constance Bennett and After the Thin Man (1936) with William Powell and Myrna Loy. Photos of everything appear below for your possible interest, although I’d better confess that I Googled the pie photo because I don’t own white plates and I don’t know how to squirt fancy whipped cream from a pastry bag.

Holy crap, it’s 4:30 in the morning and I haven’t been to bed yet! I should probably give it a shot or I’ll look like a raccoon for the rest of the day. Thank you for reading this.

The gefilte fish incident and other stories.

I almost wasn’t going to write a post tonight but changed my mind a few minutes ago when it occured to me that a few of my faithful Howdygram fans might have a stroke. So here I am.

It’s been an eventful day.

Event #1. An 8 a.m. dental appointment almost ended in disaster when my dentist forgot to show up. He materialized at 8:45 as I was getting ready to leave, just in time to take an impression and send my dental appliance to the lab for adjustments. (The lab delivery guy shows up at 9.)

Event #2. I was sick most of the afternoon with an INTESTINAL TSUNAMI that probably can be attributed to last night’s authentic Texas seder, which consisted of gefilte fish, horseradish, Mongolian chicken, pretzel sticks and a pair of old chocolate chip cookies.

Event #3. All of a sudden a whole pile of my clients are requesting new projects, such as redesigned websites, new logo designs, postcard mailers, stationery and magazine ads. I can’t tell if I’m excited about this or not, because I like to consider myself semi-retired and do NOT want my graphic design business to interfere with naps and “People’s Court” reruns. I’m just saying.

Event #4. I went back to the dentist at 4:30 to pick up my adjusted appliance and then hauled ass to get home before a big thunderstorm rolled in from the north. Oklahoma is always sending us their big thunderstorms.

Right now I’m hanging around, waiting for Sam to get home from work so we can watch tonight’s episode of “Deadliest Catch,” the Discovery Channel’s top-rated reality show about a fleet of rugged gefilte fishermen on the Dead Sea (see below). Just in time for Passover!

Please don’t forget to enter our BIG SPRING GIVEAWAY and be sure to tell a few friends. Thank you for reading this.

Nerdlike activities abound.

Sam is still in Houston. I know this for sure because he calls every 27½ minutes to tell me that’s where he is and that he misses me and wants to come home. The coming home part will probably happen tomorrow unless the clients delay their project and he has to stay an extra day. Either way, I’m keeping busy with a pile of design projects, occasional naps and lots of visitors for a quiet Wednesday. My maid service (a team of three Mexican tornadoes armed with mops and Lysol) shows up this morning for an hour and a half, my Schwan’s delivery guy arrives at 12:30 with most of this week’s frozen food order, and at 2:30 a technician from Time Warner Cable drops in to reboot our cable box because we lost some of our high-definition channels last week. Apparently they upgraded their software to accommodate new channels and in the process there was an outage for a whole crowd of customers in Mesquite. And at 4:45, the very moment I decide to watch a movie and take my very first nap of the day, the Schwan’s guy comes back with my missing bag of Buffalo Chicken Egg Rolls.

Hot tip. The most incredible TV show on earth in HD is “Deadliest Catch” on the Discovery Channel. You can see EVERY SINGLE DROP OF WATER in EVERY 30-FOOT WAVE on the Bering Sea. Check it out.

Incidentally, I think Sam is secretly having a good time in Houston. Yesterday he had a chance to explore Galveston Island and today before work he spent a few hours at the Houston Museum of Printing History. Initially I thought I’d poke some fun at this until I checked out their website and realized it’s actually an interesting place for a couple of nerds like Sam and me. He’s got three decades of experience in commercial and financial printing, and I’ve been fascinated with print and type since I was eight years old and my cousin Bobby taught me how to use a manual typewriter. I was hooked for life. In case you’re interested, my top typing speed back in the 1980s was 125 w.p.m. on an IBM Selectric. I even burned out two Selectric motors when I worked at the Chicago Board of Trade and actually made them SMOKE.

See? I told you I was a nerd.

Things to do on Valentine's Day.

Seriously, it really isn’t my intention to print a list of suggested activities for Valentine’s Day, such as taking somebody out for a club sandwich with fries and a dill pickle, shlepping home a few chocolates, blowing up balloons or splurging on a bouquet of flowery whatevers. Instead I’ll discuss what’s happening right here at the Howdygram nerve center, which is always a hub of excitement and adventure. Okay, maybe not.

For one thing, let’s all take a moment to remember recently-deceased Captain Phil from the Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” TV series, who conked out last week on board his Alaskan crab fishing boat Cornelia Marie. If you’ve never watched this show, you should really treat yourself. It’s about five boats filled with lunatic crab fishermen as they zoom around the Bering Sea in the dead of winter dodging hurricane-force winds, thousand-foot waves and ice chunks the size of South Dakota. Captain Phil’s diet apparently consisted of bacon, Red Bull and Marlboros, so his death at age 53 was no huge surprise.

Today I’m also celebrating the arrival of my new iMac computer, which arrived last night (no kidding) via FedEx Ground. It’s still in the box because I stopped installing my own computer hardware about 10 years ago. I hire people to do that for me now! I had an excellent professional set-up dude when I lived in California and I’ve got another one here in Dallas, except her name is Betty. As soon as all this gorgeous new stuff is up and running I’ll post a photo on the Howdygram. Thank you for reading this ... and happy Valentine’s Day, y’all.