Note to Paula Deen: More butter isn’t going to fix this.

According to the lead news stories today on CNN, MSNBC, ABC News, TMZ and Gawker Media, the Howdygram’s least-favorite deep-fried celebrity chef has been fired by the Food Network for her involvement in a huge racist brouhaha of her own creation.

Network officials elected not to renew Deen’s contract, which expires at the end of June. The crapola apparently hit the fan minutes just after she released three consecutive stupid, desperate and insincere statements on YouTube apologizing for her behavior, racial slurs and foul language. She also bailed this morning for an interview with Matt Lauer on the “Today” show.

What the hell. One day you’re baking a six-layer lard cake with cream cheese bacon frosting, the next day you’re ruined. Karma sucks, doesn’t it?

In case you’re unfamiliar with Paula Deen I’ve got a couple of outrageous video clips to share with you. The first is an amazing “artistic” interpretation (slow-motion dialog!) of a segment she did on TV with Oprah. I believe Oprah and Gayle King were visiting Paula Deen’s home for a weekend. The dude who looks like Santa Claus is Paula’s husband. I suggest peeing before you watch this.

Next, a clear explanation of how and why Paula Deen wound up with type 2 diabetes: the Lasagna Sandwich. This is maybe the most obnoxious and frightening carb overload I’ve ever seen in my life. Holy crap.

One last Paula Deen thing before I move on to other issues, okay? It’s the recipe for her Savannah High Apple Pie (courtesy of the Food Network), pictured below for your possible interest. This monstrosity calls for seven cups of flour, two cups of Crisco, 24 apples, half a pound of butter, three cups of sugar and two cups of caramel pecan mucilage topping to give it that appealing, fresh-from-the-diaper glow. The only thing missing here is a gallon of ice cream and reservations at Johns Hopkins for a heart transplant. TWO FREAKIN’ CUPS OF CRISCO. Seriously?

As long as I’m on a roll here I’d also like to post this photo of Kim Kardashian, proving once again that life can be painful for vapid, no-talent reality stars. Here she is showing off her best maternity look in a skin-tight dress and hideous shoes that are clearly destroying her feet and ankles. Didn’t this silly twit ever consider wearing a comfortable pair of flats or maybe not going out once in a while?

Sam and I have lots of exciting plans this weekend! Activities will include: 1) lunch at Cafe Greek because I have an overwhelming need for their tasty baked fish with sesame seeds; 2) naps; 3) organizing all the household crapola and clothes we’re donating to the American Kidney Fund next week; 4) more naps; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. If any of these items sound appealing to you please feel free to join us. And thank you for reading this.

Congress still makes me sick.

It’s 7 a.m. Monday morning. I just woke up and checked the headlines on CNN.com, and guess what: CONGRESS STILL MAKES ME SICK.

As long as I’m ready to hurl this seems like the perfect segue into the latest scoop about national embarrassment Kim Kardashian, who was featured briefly in my last post, and her boyfriend-of-the-week, rapper Kanye West. THEY’RE PREGNANT. Kim’s bimbo mother and siblings are Twittering their joy with frantic abandon, as this guarantees at least nine more months of unending media attention and a big cash heist at the end for baby pictures. I wonder why everybody tends to forget that Kim and her grotesquely-exaggerated assets (pictured at right) are still married to somebody else. Holy crap.

This is certainly no surprise whatsoever, but the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com got it wrong again and our 90% chance of heavy rain has all but disappeared. I’d ask Sam to take me out for dim sum but it’s 39° outside and drizzling, so I’ll make a pot of Five-Minute Stupid Soup instead and start hoping for spring. Lately I’ve been feeling — and walking — like the Tin Man. I’m serious.

Have a nice day, everybody. It’s almost 2013.

I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

A brief word about this fiscal cliff horseshit. CONGRESS MAKES ME SICK. I keep wondering why homicidal maniacs with assault weapons only show up at grammar schools and theaters. I’m just saying.

Tonight we’re waiting for rain here at Howdygram headquarters. It’s on the way for sure with a 90% chance starting around 5 a.m. and lasting all day Monday. Cold, crappy, bone-chilling, beautiful rain that we need DESPERATELY. In the meantime Sam and I ordered ourselves a pile of food from China City tonight because nothing says NFL football like egg rolls and Mongolian chicken. Unfortunately, the Washington Redskins trampled the Dallas Cowboys in a basically depressing game and blew us out of a slot in the playoffs ... not that we actually deserved to be there, quite honestly. Missing from the Cowboys’ roster tonight were teammates Josh Brent and Jerry Brown, for reasons indicated below.

Brent is responsible for Brown’s status due to a car wreck on December 8, whereby Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter (translation: the dude was drunk). He’s not especially popular these days.

Sam is stretched out in the family room wrapped in Mister Furry — our gigantic faux mink throw — watching one of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I don’t know which one, but it doesn’t matter since they’re all the same and everybody has rotten teeth. It’s all a little too realistic for me.

From our I’ll Do Anything To Stay Famous department comes this photo of America’s reigning tramp Kim Kardashian, on her way into a Miami restaurant wearing a black elastic bra with a transparent skirt. The view from the front must have stopped traffic. I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

For months I’ve been on the lookout for wholesome family entertainment that doesn’t involve Turner Classic Movies, and I think I’ve finally found the answer. I just bought an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH on Amazon! This isn’t one of those fancy-schmancy gadgets that your dentist tries to sell you for $99, though. It’s a $5 Spinbrush with a couple hundred five-star user reviews, so I ordered one for me and one for Sam plus a package of refills. Now we can stand at the sink together, hold hands and spin our teeth into breathtaking whiteness all at the same time. Holy crap, does this sound like fun, or what?

I have no idea what’s wrong with me tonight so maybe I’ll just inject some insulin and go to bed. Thank you for reading this.

Kim Kardashian accessorized her kitten to death.

After two days of seriously crappy national news I’m trying hard to regain my sense of humor, which explains why I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday and why I almost didn’t write one today. Among the disturbing stories still haunting me are: 1) the unspeakable massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School; 2) Hillary Clinton fainting from dehydration and clobbering her head; and 3) the untimely death of Kim Kardashian’s kitten, most likely from overuse as a fashion accessory. Holy crap. What an Einstein.

On a more cheerful note, Sam and I enjoyed a nice weekend of togetherness, food, a leisurely drive in the country, several juicy naps and Sunday Night Football. The food part included burgers on Saturday afternoon at Scotty P’s and lunch today at Alfredo’s. The Sunday Night Football part was a very good game between New England and San Francisco, which San Francisco won. I was rooting for the Patriots. What the hell.

I guess I’m not in the mood to write too much tonight. I know you’ll forgive me. Try to come back tomorrow, okay?

Air Einstein pilot mistakes the planet Venus for an oncoming plane and other important news.

A quick update to the outrageously high blood sugar issue I mentioned in yesterday’s post. As of this writing the number has dropped significantly … from 377 at 2 p.m. to 245 two hours after dinner. And Sam, my sleeping genius, may have solved the mystery! We went to Mariano’s for lunch yesterday and he suspects they gave me a real Coke instead of diet and I didn’t notice the difference. I’d like to believe I’m not senile enough to mistake the taste of a real Coke, but I guess anything’s possible. Stay tuned for additional developments.

Breaking aviation news. A report issued this week by the Transportation Safety Board of Canada finally explains an issue of “severe turbulence” that occurred last January on an overnight Air Einstein flight from Toronto to Zurich, Switzerland. Apparently a sleepy and disoriented pilot mistook the planet Venus for an oncoming plane and forced his jet into a nosedive, during which passengers and flight attendants, who were not wearing seat belts, were hurled into the ceiling and overhead bins. Air Einstein officials apologized profusely afterwards and distributed free moose jerky, maple leaf keychains and two-day passes to Canada’s most popular tourist attraction, Mountieland.

From our It’s Almost Not Worth the Effort department, reality TV bimbo Kim Kardashian has announced her plan to run for mayor of Glendale, California, in 2017. Kim’s qualifications include: 1) being Armenian; 2) barely finishing high school; 3) unnaturally large breasts; 4) starring in a widely distributed sex tape with an African-American hip-hop artist; and 5) staging a sham wedding to increase her TV ratings.

To her credit, however, Kardashian is considerably more qualified for public office than Sarah Palin.

Thank you for reading this.

A pair of pet peeves before breakfast.

Hello, howdy, happy Saturday and what’s for breakfast? I woke up really hungry and would probably ask Sam to shlep us over to Denny’s but it’s a little too cold outside (29°) to leave the house for a plate of food, even if it’s Senior Scrambled Eggs. We love their Senior Scrambled Eggs!

And now, please grab yourself a bagel and get comfortable. I want to unload for a minute.

Today’s pet peeve. I’m sick of Gabrielle Giffords. She was in the news again yesterday because the Navy named a COMBAT SHIP after her, and I want to know why anybody in their right mind would think that’s even remotely appropriate. What the hell for? She’s a POLITICIAN, for God’s sake, and she survived a gunshot. Big deal. Couldn’t the Navy dig up the names of a few deserving Medal of Honor winners who actually, you know, served in the MILITARY? The media and government are so obsessed with her — and she’s so over-saturated in the news — that I’m reacting to Giffords now like she's KIM KARDASHIAN. And that, dear readers, is the kiss of death.

Thank you for allowing me to spew. And I mean this most sincerely.

Today’s other pet peeve. Human skeletons who get hired as fashion models. We’ve all seen pictures of anorexic models, but Ioana Spangenberg (see below) beats them all. She’s a Romanian bag of bones with a freakish 20-inch waist that can’t possibly be for real. Spangenberg insists she eats three meals a day — please, give me a break — but a person who consumes solid food just can’t look like this. Holy crap, my wrists are thicker than her THIGHS! She says her husband thinks she’s gorgeous, and that’s certainly swell and wonderful, but any reputable fashion house or magazine that hires Spangenberg should be run out of town. She’s not a model, she’s a HANGER.

I’d better mosey into the kitchen and rustle up some grub. Thank y’all for reading this. I’ll try to be back later, but no promises.

Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you …

FedEx, probably the most anti-social shipper on earth, was here about an hour ago to drop off a couple of deliveries. They don’t actually wait for a person to get to the front door … they just ring your bell and haul ass.

What I found on my doorstep today was a bit of a surprise … two gigantic and mysterious cartons from Kirkland’s, one of them almost tall enough for me to stand up in. The reason I’m slightly baffled is, the only merchandise I’ve ordered from Kirkland’s recently are two candle runners (see my earlier post) and both are less than 20 inches long. It’s almost frightening to think that an Einstein in Kirkland’s shipping department thought it was necessary to package one of them in a carton that’s more than five feet high.

I’ll ask Sam to bring in both boxes when he gets home from work. Stay tuned for further developments, but please feel free to go about your normal routine in the meantime.

I had a little fun online today. I ordered some cool wallplates and outlet covers from WallplatesOnline.com, which included a very nice solid oak for the guest room and textured bronze for our second bath. Then I discovered a new website called Netrition.com that sells — among other things — a ton of essential products for diabetics, such as SUGAR-FREE OREOS, bags of SUGAR-FREE CARAMELS and SUGAR-FREE HEINZ KETCHUP. Yee-ha! Portraits of everything I ordered appear below for your possible interest.

I also subscribed to repeat deliveries of Ziploc quart storage bags on Amazon.com … we’ll get three boxes of 50 bags every five months. I didn’t think it would be necessary to include a photo with this post because I suspect you already know what Ziploc bags look like, but here’s one anyway, in case you grew up in a South American jungle or just got released from prison.

I don’t know about YOU, but here are a couple of seriously over-exposed faces that are getting on my nerves.

Frankly, I do NOT need a news bulletin every time Gabrielle Giffords has a gas pain or Pippa Middleton is discovered shopping for groceries without lipstick. The media should be focusing on more serious issues, such as did Kim Kardashian’s mother get liposuction and is Rick Perry actually promoting sedition when he announces his plan to screw the Constitution and dismantle the Federal government. (The answer to both would be YES.)

Thank you for reading this.

Kardashian krap ... in kase you kare.

For those of you ready to hurl at the mere sound of Kim Kardashian’s name, here’s a klassic Kardashian family spoof kourtesy of “Saturday Night Live” that will definitely make your day … because it sure made MINE.



Thanks for stopping by.

Halloween and other pointless pursuits.

Just in case you haven’t read enough stories this year about sickening excess, you might be interested to know that America’s Queen of Greed — reality TV star KIM KARDASHIAN — filed for divorce today after only two months of marriage. (My skin started to itch just thinking about this.)

At the end of August Kardashian’s $10 million over-the-top “fairytale” wedding to Kris Humphries was taped for broadcast on E! Entertainment Television with an estimated $15 million payout to the bride. She also sold exclusive rights to her wedding photos to “People” magazine for $2.5 million, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she refuses to return her 20-carat engagement ring and wedding gifts because I don’t think this third-rate bimbo has ever demonstrated a shred of decency in her entire life. (I sincerely hope that E! and “People” consider suing her for fraud.)

Kardashian is mostly famous for gigantic fake breasts, a face that looks like wax, her former friendship with Paris Hilton and a widely-circulated sex tape with an ex-boyfriend … all of which she parlayed successfully into THREE concurrent Kardashian-based reality series. And if that’s not obnoxious enough for you, she’s got two sisters and a mother all cut from the same creepy, overpriced cloth.

One final thought. According to TMZ Kardashian filed divorce papers after the couple had an argument — obviously the last straw! — about where to spend Halloween, and as mature, serious adults we all know that a meaningful holiday like Halloween would be a deal-breaker for ANY marriage.

And while I’m on the subject of Halloween …

Anybody who plans to come trick-or-treating here tonight please skip my house because I’m not opening the door, and I didn’t open the door LAST year, either. If your kids really can’t live without stale bubble gum and teeny boxes of Raisinets, please go to Wal-Mart and buy your own.

Tonight I plan to curl up in the family room with lemonade, a couple of Schwan’s tamales and my brand new 630-page Steve Jobs biography — with LOTS OF PICTURES! — that came a few days ago. I can’t wait to get started, so thank you for not annoying me.