Hypoglycemic delirium and Cyber Monday adventures.

In this post: Hypoglycemia, Cyber Monday, a focus on accents.

I’m just coming out of another scary low blood sugar episode. About 45 minutes ago I woke up to go to the bathroom and knew something was completely screwed when my knees didn’t hurt (my knees ALWAYS hurt) and I had a craving for chocolate, French fries, an onion bagel with braunschweiger, sweet pickles and Hunan Shrimp all at the same time. My blood sugar tested at 47; four tasty tropical fruit glucose chewables from Wal-Mart saved the day. I like the pink and yellow ones.

Gifts for senior citizens. Think Hanukkah! Think birthdays! Think Valentine’s Day!

Hi, people. Sam is running errands and I’m here at home with Kleenex and a Marcytini while I nurse the onset of a cold. I am absolutely determined NOT to get sick, so to cheer myself up this morning I ordered a large container of blank CDs, Coricidin caplets and a bottle of Queen Latifah perfume because I’ve always wanted to smell like a large African American rapper who’s technically a lesbian.

Incidentally, Sam and I had a first-class experience yesterday at the Choctaw Casino! Not counting an especially fabulous lunch at the buffet — pea salad, sugar-free pie, catfish, guacamole and green olives for me; salmon and baby cheesecakes for Sam — I had nice wins at the two penny slot machines pictured below, and Sam did extremely well, too. WE LOVE MONEY. Money is wonderful!

Because I always enjoy discovering new places to shop online, the Howdygram is pleased to recommend EasyComforts.com, the perfect gift resource for all the senior citizens in your life. I refer to such products as extra-stretchy socks for swollen feet, toenail fungus cream, an exciting variety of pill sorters, napkin clips for dribblers, those hard-to-find retro plastic rain bonnets, sofa protectors in case you accidentally leak watching a Danny Kaye movie, fancy wheelchair accessories, do-it-yourself kits to reline your own dentures … and so much more! Think Hanukkah! Think birthdays! Think Valentine’s Day!

From our Where Not To Dine While You Buy Weird Furniture department, IKEA has announced that the Swedish meatballs served in their U.S. stores DO NOT CONTAIN HORSE MEAT. What a relief.

Apparently the meat used in IKEA’s meatballs in the U.S. comes from a domestic supplier and is not affected by the recall of 1,675 pounds of frozen meatballs in the Czech Republic, which occurred when the Czech State Veterinary Administration detected traces of Trigger and Seabiscuit. IKEA’s furniture stores throughout the world feature restaurants that sell food typical of the store’s home country — Sweden — including their “wildly popular Kotbullar meatballs.” (I’ve tried them. They’re neither wild nor popular.)

Thank you for reading this.

Visit the websites of your choice immediately and shop your crazy little brains out.

It’s the middle of the night and I should have been in bed hours ago, but I’m feeling compelled to share two things.

First, today is FREE SHIPPING DAY for 1,500 online retailers, and the Howdygram strongly suggests that you visit the websites of your choice IMMEDIATELY and shop your crazy little brains out! Click here to access the complete list of participating retailers.

Second, I just downloaded another pile of incredible free fonts from FontSquirrel.com. Many of these include six or more styles — extra light, thin, regular, semibold, bold, heavy, black, and so on — plus italics. ITALICS! Fonts are my number one favorite addiction not counting sugar-free pie and Mongolian chicken.

Okay, it’s official. I’m exhausted. Turn out the lights when you’re done here, okay?

Who wouldn’t want a spleen pillow for only $18?

There’s a crisis afoot in Diabetesland tonight. Last week I refilled my prescription for mealtime insulin and Wal-Mart gave me a substitute brand — ReliOn Novolin R — which is a different name than the product they sold me last time. I questioned it when they handed me the bag but the pharmacy technician promised it was exactly the same as Humulin. However ... I started using Novolin R on Friday, and you know what? THIS STUFF DOESN’T WORK. My blood sugar has been rising steadily all weekend even though I’m injecting more than enough insulin before every meal and counting my carbs like a fanatic. This is so frustrating I might have to whack somebody with my cane. Sam says I should call Wal-Mart in the morning and tell them what’s going on. If I don’t get the right answers — and quite honestly, I really haven’t got too much confidence in this — I’ll call Dr. M and unload on her.

Are you getting ready to shop for Hanukkah? I ran across a cool new website last night where a person can find adorable gifts for absolutely practically ANYBODY. It’s called UncommonGoods.com and a sample smattering of their merchandise is illustrated for you here, including plush throw pillows in your choice of 11 different internal organs (a uterus and brain appear below), a stylish men’s wallet made of duct tape and a ceramic face mug with room in the base to store cookies. All are very reasonably priced — who wouldn’t want a spleen pillow for only $18? — and guaranteed to delight unsuspecting relatives and friends.

I’ve finally calmed down so maybe now is a good time to wrap up this post and go to bed. It was nice of you to drop in. Say hi to the family for me, okay?

Extolling the convenience virtues of Costco.

It’s well past midnight and I’m still waiting for Sam to come home from work. He called about half an hour ago to tell me it’s been a hideously busy and generally lousy day, and I think he seriously needs get his ass back to Howdygram headquarters, put on his pajamas and eat an ice cream cone as soon as possible. In the meantime I figure I’ll horse around with the Howdygram and kill some time. I have no idea how long I’ll be here.

I’ve been having an issue lately with the Chicago Tribune’s website. Every time I try to launch the site my browser (Firefox) locks up and I have to “force quit” every open tab, which is especially annoying if I’m working on a Howdygram post because usually I can’t retrieve what I’ve already written. This leads to a lot of swearing and unplanned Amazon orders because I shop when I’m frustrated. Also when I’m bored, hungry, weepy, silly, scared, achy, crabby, happy, sullen, hysterical, under the weather and/or extremely tired.

No kidding. Ask Sam.

Here’s some hot news ... I’ve got an appointment for an eye exam Saturday morning! This time I’m using Dr. Field, the optometrist at Costco (stop laughing), because her prices are great and her office is actually inside the store, which makes it really convenient for Sam to run around filling a cart with pistachios, garbage bags, chicken salad, detergent and industrial-size drums of toothpaste while I’m reading eye charts.

Confidentially, I don’t actually intend to get new glasses. My physician recommends an annual eye exam because I’m diabetic, which is fine, but I have no problem with the glasses I’m wearing right now and don’t feel like spending $400 for another pair of progressive trifocals. For your possible interest, below is a photo of Dr. Field with her eyewear mascot, “Batman.”

Sam called a few minutes ago to tell me he’ll be leaving the office by 2 a.m., which gives me just enough time for a nice hot shower. Turn off the lights when you’re done here, okay?

Cheetos and Coke Zero, still the two safest food products on the planet.

I think I’m in the Twilight Zone. I just woke up from a four-hour nap that I didn’t need, which was filled with weird back-to-back dreams, such as: 1) a high-level office job I kept “ditching” by calling in sick; and 2) being picked up by security guards at a store that looked a lot like Marshall Field’s for not buying a yellow top and a raincoat that I liked on a previous visit. I’m so damn confused right now I might have to order Mongolian chicken for dinner because Mongolian chicken cures everything.

From our Holy Crap, What A Deal department comes breaking news about a clearance sale hoo-hah underway at Soups Online. For a limited time they’ve got large-size (16 oz.) jars of Better Than Bouillon soup base for only $5.95 (half price) because this size apparently is being discontinued. I just ordered two jars of chicken and one each of mushroom and turkey for the Howdygram’s pantry. Sample images appear below in case you have no idea what I’m talking about. (This stuff is terrific.)

If you’ve never shopped at Soups Online you should give them a shot right away. They have a huge inventory and carry so many flavors of Better Than Bouillon your head might explode. Aside from the three I ordered today (chicken, mushroom and turkey) they also sell lobster, kosher chicken, chicken tomato, ham, organic vegetable, au jus, beef, chili, fish and clam! Glorioski!

And now I’d like to print the results of a study that ranks America’s favorite national burger chains. A research company called Market Force Information questioned 7,600 consumers about their preferences and I’m pretty sure the results won’t surprise anybody. In every region nationwide Five Guys topped the list and In-N-Out was second, followed by Fuddruckers, A&W and Smashburger. Fuddruckers?!

Dairy Queen ranked dead last based on its lousy food and frightening décor. You won’t get any disagreement from me. The last time Sam and I set foot in Dairy Queen was about five years ago. The front half of the store smelled like somebody just threw up and the kid who made our cones was covered with scabs. We raced each other to the front door and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Here’s a Howdygram Consumer Alert! As long as I’m writing about food (a favorite Howdygram topic in case you haven’t noticed) I wonder if you’ve read today’s big news about RICE. According to separate tests conducted by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and Consumer Reports, many name-brand rice and rice products contain “troubling” levels of CARCINOGENIC ARSENIC, a level one toxin that causes bladder and lung cancer. I think it’s a safe bet that Chinese restaurants from coast to coast are feeling a little panicky right now, although white rice is apparently safer than brown since arsenic is being found most often in the outer layers of the grain. (So much for all those bogus health claims about brown rice.)

These latest findings have led Consumer Reports and Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan to call on the FDA to set limits for arsenic in food, particularly baby food, and to caution the public about eating large amounts of rice and feeding it to small children. While that’s all very commendable, I wouldn’t recommend feeding arsenic to ADULTS, either!

I think I’ll consider Cheetos and Coke Zero for dinner, still the two safest food products on the planet. Thank you for reading this.

It never hurts to be prepared for food emergencies.

I know all of you will forgive me for not posting anything yesterday because everybody’s entitled to an off day once in a while. I actually had plenty to say but just didn’t feel much like saying it. Today is different, however, so here I am. Better late than never.

I’ll begin with an important announcement. My Babycakes Pie Maker arrived this afternoon! It’s even cuter than I expected and I just spent a couple of hours searching online for savory pie recipes. The best and easiest of the bunch came from Betty Crocker’s website and they’re all adjustable from full-size pies to teeny ones. These include: 1) chicken pot pie; 2) southwestern pie; 3) taco pie; and 4) cheeseburger pie. Even Sam got excited, and he never gets excited about food unless it involves lobster. I’ll tackle the chicken pot pie recipe tomorrow with accompanying photos, if possible. Stay tuned for further developments.

And now I’m pleased to announce three swell websites I discovered yesterday.

Swell website #1. Pyknic.com sells (among other things) miniature food charms to wear around your neck. As a diabetic I have to admit I’m strangely excited by this concept. I might have to start wearing pancakes.

Other charms include a pair of teeny functional salt & pepper shakers, a vial of real barbecue seasoning and miniature cutlery. Because it never hurts to be prepared for food emergencies.

Swell website #2. I also recommend SoupsOnline.com, where you can find — go on, take a guess — every kind of soup on the planet, including dry mixes, jars of “starters,” seasoning blends, canned goods and all kinds of wacky ingredients. I ordered myself some packages of Sunbird Hot & Sour Soup mix and a jar of Better Than Bouillon chicken base.

Their prices are lower than my local supermarket and shipping is relatively cheap. As a tried-and-true soup fanatic, this is probably the coolest website I’ve discovered in a long time. Please shop there immediately.

Swell website #3. Hard-to-find DVDs at amazing prices at MovieDetective.com. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if their movies are illegal or bootlegged, they’ve got one of my all-time favorites — a title that’s never been released on DVD — The Late George Apley from 1947 with Ronald Colman, Mildred Natwick and Richard Haydn. So I ordered it. I’ll let you know as soon as it gets here so you can come over and watch with me. I might even make a few teeny pies.

Thank you for reading this. I have to take a fistful of pills now.

Movies, sugar-free brownies and a Tuesday morning shopping spree.

For the moment it appears that I’ve got an issue going on with insomnia so I thought I’d hang out in the study for a while and horse around with the Howdygram. I’ve also been SHOPPING, and my Tuesday morning purchases appear below. In case you care, they include two bottles of Downy Unstopables in their “lush” scent, a set of four Margaret Rutherford DVDs, a dozen boxes of Lipton Chicken Noodle Cup-a-Soup and a serrated stainless steel pie server from Amazon.com plus half a dozen furnace filters from FiltersFast as a thoughtful little present for Sam. This is the same website where I buy replacement water filters for the icemaker in our refrigerator. (Check out their prices sometime.) I almost ordered a box Atkins snack bars from Wal-Mart.com but changed my mind at the last minute because there’s no point getting carried away. I already have a bunch of these in the pantry.

It’s practically 3 a.m. and I’m still wide awake. This is crazy. I think I’ll have to migrate into the family room and watch a movie with a sugar-free brownie. I’d much rather watch a movie with Sam but he’s been asleep since midnight. Thank you for reading this.

“Add-A-Sam” … now only $29.95!

I screwed up. I overslept this morning and now it’s too late to get to Tom Thumb before the First Baptist Church of Garland lets out. I’ll have to wait until later today (maybe around dinner time) or go tomorrow morning instead. I always try to shop when I know I can find a handicapped parking spot and the store isn’t so busy that I have to wait in line 20 minutes watching grandma Einstein sort a suitcase full of coupons while my knees give out. Contrary to popular opinion I do NOT enjoy shrieking obscenities, shaking my cane at the cashier and threatening to strangle other shoppers. I’m just saying.

And now for an exciting special offer from your pals at the Howdygram … our fabulous new “ADD-A-SAM” program, where we’ll Photoshop a happy, waving Sam* onto all of your treasured family vacation photos. Just imagine the possibilities ... Sam in Aspen, Sam at Disneyland, Sam on the beach in Hawaii!

*Choose Texas Sam or California Sam. Operators are standing by to take your call.

Know why Sundays sometimes suck? No deliveries! I’m waiting for piles of wonderful crap from Amazon.com but UPS and FedEx don’t knock on doors on Sunday so I’ll have to wait until tomorrow for my Palmolive dishwashing liquid and Suave body wash, which are pictured below for your possible interest.

Incidentally, I’m trying NEW FRAGRANCES for both of these products, which is mighty damn exciting for a variety of reasons. This time I ordered Palmolive’s “soft touch” dishwashing goo with aloe and Suave’s “milk & honey” body goo. (I love goo.)

I’d better eat some lunch. Thanks for stopping by!

Always wear lipstick to shop in high-end stores.

In my never-ending quest to own every font on earth I just downloaded an additional six for free from Blambot.com. These are basically just as cool as the six new comic book fonts from yesterday (see post), although I think “Jeff Campbell” has to be my all-time favorite.

I use a font called “Comicrazy” for my photo captions here on the Howdygram. I bought it a couple of years ago during Comicraft’s annual New Year’s Day sale ... it’s a $395 font (seriously) that only cost me $20.10. You should check out Comicraft’s website because it’s a visual smorgasbord of all those classic comic books you loved as a kid.

For the record, my favorite comic books were Archie and Dennis the Menace, but not for any reason you’d ever guess. By the time I was eight years old I’d fallen in love with their FONTS. The Archie font was a lot like “Jeff Campbell” but with a slight slant to the right and a very distinctive uppercase “S”. Dennis the Menace comic books used a quirky lowercase font with an unforgettable “g”.

If you think I’m strange you’ll have to get in line behind lots of other people because I’ve been like this my entire life. I was designing my own comics and magazines in third grade and taught myself to print in italics and boldface when I wrote stories for school, even using “printer’s quotes” that eventually made my teachers believe I was plagiarizing. My mother had to bring a stack of my homemade comic books to school to prove them wrong, and everybody had a new respect for me after that. (It’s also possible they were just frightened and decided to leave me alone.)

It’s another glorious day in North Texas, and after I eat some lunch — which will be very, very soon — Sam and I are going shopping at The Arrangement, a huge, high-end rustic furniture store in snooty north Dallas near the Galleria. I should definitely wear lipstick for this.

Thank you for stopping by.

Margaret Dumont is definitely more entertaining than the bubonic plague.

It’s New Year’s Eve at Howdygram headquarters and all’s right with the world. Groucho is tormenting poor Margaret Dumont in Duck Soup, I just woke up from an especially intense three-hour nap on the most fabulous chaise ever invented and Sam is still unconscious. For the record, we also slept through Room Service and Horse Feathers. A photo of the previously-mentioned fabulous chaise appears below; Groucho and Margaret are posing at right.

Before I forget, Sam and I want to wish all of you a happy, healthy New Year. May yours include lucrative investments, plenty of cake and not voting for Rick Perry no matter what.

We had a terrific day today. After a late breakfast at Denny’s we took a nice long drive to Cross Roads, Texas, to visit the Rustic Furniture Depot. Don’t be fooled by their semi-tacky website because this store is AWESOME. They’ve got the most beautiful — and affordable! — western-themed furniture we’ve ever seen, plus lots of high-end decorative accessories, bedding, artwork, picture frames, dishes, lamps, you name it. I can’t wait to go back and spend money because everything they sell makes you think of Pa Cartwright and the Ponderosa. (All that’s missing is Hop Sing.)

And now it’s time to scrounge up some food and enjoy a couple of cheerful New Year’s Eve classics on TCM ... Fail Safe (1964), a nuclear war doomsday thriller with Henry Fonda, and Panic in the Streets (1950), about a bubonic plague epidemic with Richard Widmark and Jack Palance. It’s really too bad I don’t drink.

Happy New Year ... and thank you for reading the Howdygram’s last post for 2011!

P.S. Marie Osmond is a drag queen, naked pictures of Paula Deen and ugly world leaders.

My pre-dawn Internet treasure hunt.

I love getting up before sunrise because I can shop while everybody else in Texas is still asleep, such as Sam. And even though I’m basically just shopping online, for me it’s like sneaking into the mall before they open the doors. In a bathrobe with bed hair, no less.

And so ... five minutes ago I placed my very first order with eDietShop.com! This included one each of the following products: sugar-free chocolate mousse mix, sugar-free pumpkin pie filling mix, sugar-free raspberry gelatin (one $3.89 pouch makes 32 ½-cup servings) and sugar-free chocolate cheesecake mix. Grand total: $14.87. This is damn exciting and I don’t care who knows it. You, too, can own sugar-free treasures just like these:

After I finished ordering I answered one of those dopey BizRate surveys, thereby qualifying for up to FOUR FREE MAGAZINES for a whole year. I normally don’t bother with crapola like this but today I took the bait. I ordered “Taste of Home” (cooking and recipes) but decided to skip the rest due to a paralyzing disinterest in bowhunting, Latina fashion, black entrepreneurs, cigars, outdoor photography and motorcycle repair. There were also three vapid pop culture periodicals with assorted Kardashians on the covers (excuse me for a minute while I vomit) and one that featured yet another plastic, reprocessed portrait of 65-year-old Paula Deen (see above), the Food Network’s reigning Queen of Butter, that’s been Photoshopped into unrecognizable oblivion.

I think I’ll go back to bed for a little while and try to warm up my feet on Sam. I’m married to a human heater. Shalom, y’all.

Hot topics for Monday: socks, bread, boobies and cats who love figure skating.

Today is laundry day in Howdygramland. When I finish this post it’s my plan to curl up in the family room with a Marcytini, a William Powell movie and a 50-pound basket of socks and underwear. Please feel free to drop in with a nice coffee cake or — better yet — a large order of those new fries from Burger King. (The suspense is killing me.)

Immediately after my Monday afternoon folding marathon the main attraction in the Howdygram Test Kitchen will be “Marcy Bakes a Loaf of Barley Bread.” I honestly can’t think of anything better on a cold and crappy day than hot bread and butter ... although Cheetos, Mongolian chicken and halva also come to mind. Plus pizza.

Glorioski ... guess what shipped today! My roasting pan! My leather bench! My insulin needles! My furry throw! My wax paper! It’s a shopper’s paradise around here after receiving a string of happy emails from Amazon and Overstock.com. Everything should arrive by Thursday, at which time I’ll post an update with pictures.

And now for some breaking news. According to the Associated Press, a south Florida geezer has been sentenced to 13 months in prison for offering free door-to-door breast exams at a local apartment complex. Phillip Winikoff (pictured below), 81, managed to assault two victims before the police caught up with him.

Even though the Broward County prosecutor’s office has labeled Winikoff a “sex offender,” I think he’s just a resourceful old dude trying to find a way to squeeze a few boobies. The Einsteins who should go to prison are the two stupid women who opened the door and said YES.

And finally, in an effort to maintain the Howdygram’s overall cuteness level here’s a video clip I think you’ll enjoy. It’s a litter of kittens watching and reacting to a figure skating competition on Japanese TV.



Thank you for reading this.

Sports news, trivia and general baloney.

I wanted to write a post hours and hours ago but haven’t had the motivation because it’s been cold, rainy, dark and crappy for the last couple of days, making it damn near impossible to drag myself off the couch for anything except looking for the remote or getting snacks. Sam and I have been drifting in and out of naps for 48 hours, and the only reason we’re awake right now is because we just finished watching Tiger Woods win the Chevron Open — MAZEL TOV TIGER! — his first tournament win in two years. I’m so happy I could eat a golf ball.

And as long as I’m covering sports news I should also mention that today was Dallas’ annual White Rock Marathon, where tens of thousands of runners in ski hats and thermal underwear braved 45° temperatures and steady rain. Santa was entered but didn’t win because he’s a pasty white dude from the North Pole. (The top three finishers were all from Kenya.)

Last night I ordered a box of insulin needles from Amazon.com. This is no big deal whatsoever but I thought I’d mention it in case you’re keeping track of such things. A photo appears below for your possible interest.

I watched a couple of excellent suspense movies yesterday on TCM. The first was Crossroads with Hedy Lamarr and William Powell, which was a stupendous drama with stupendous plot twists, stupendous clothes and stupendous supporting players like the stupendous Basil Rathbone. Is there anybody who doesn’t love Basil Rathbone?

Then I watched a gritty film noir thing called While the City Sleeps about a bunch of cut-throat reporters all trying to scoop each other on a serial murder case. It featured a cast of thousands such as George Sanders, Rhonda Fleming, Howard Duff, Ida Lupino, Vincent Price and Dana Andrews ... the crown prince of deadpan, alcoholic boredom who played the same damn character in every single movie. While the City Sleeps also provided a close-up look at American goyim in the 1950s, where everybody walks into the local bar for a ham sandwich and milk. A ham sandwich and milk? They may as well ask for pig’s feet and a boilermaker. Holy crap.

The Howdygram is pleased to announce the following monumental events for the week ahead. For instance ...

• December 5: Bigger French fries debut at Burger King
• December 6: Rod Blagojevich is sentenced in Federal court
• December 7: Pearl Harbor is bombed by the Japanese (1941)
• December 8: John Lennon is shot in New York (1980)
• December 9: Charles and Diana announce their separation (1992)

We heard today that Sam’s amazing Aunt Adie drove herself to the hospital on Friday with appendicitis, performed her own surgery and checked out Saturday morning. Okay, I might be kidding about performing her own surgery (I’m pretty sure she had a regular doctor) but she did drive herself to the emergency room and she did go home the very next day. What a shame she didn’t have an opportunity to whine a lot and make relatives bring her jello, Hershey bars and Cheetos! (Next time, Adie, call me for a few tips on the way to the hospital.)

And finally, the U.S. Post Office has announced news so outrageous I actually laughed out loud. Due to budget constraints, beginning January 1 there will be no more next-day delivery for first-class mail. Somebody help me wrap my head around this … what zip code in fantasyland has ever received next-day ANYTHING from the post office? (Every time I mail a birthday card it takes a week and a half.)

And now I think I’ll try to con Sam into ordering Chinese for dinner because it’s getting late, I’m hungry, I don’t feel like cooking and I desperately need something with a lot of hot sauce. Thank you for reading this.

Seriously, this is why I shop online.

Happy Black Friday, the official kickoff of the Christmas season, when happy shoppers nationwide — many apparently carrying explosives and concealed weapons in case the store runs out of Barbies — assault each other with pepper spray, maul other shoppers who had the nerve to show up first, trample each other in line and, finally, rob each other at gunpoint in the parking lot if you manage to snag the laptop somebody else wanted.

Black Friday has to be the most appalling day EVER to consider walking into a retail establishment. This year our local lunatics started camping out in front of Mesquite’s big box stores 48 hours before Thanksgiving. Sorry kids, no turkey this year because mommy wants a cheap Android. Here’s a video clip of a near-riot in the Mesquite Wal-Mart shortly before midnight this morning, which captures a group of eager Christians preparing to celebrate the birth of Christ. (Oy.)



Sam is at the office today. He’s all alone and working first shift, something he volunteered to do in order to take a full week off starting January 2, which is a wonderful time to have a vacation after the crazy holidays are finished, as depicted above. We have no firm plans yet, although a trip to the Choctaw Casino is always at the top of our list providing we don’t have an ice storm.

And now for a burning question ... do you have a lot of leftovers from yesterday? We’ve got plenty, and I even made Sam a “Thanksgiving sandwich” to take with him to work today, which consisted of turkey, mayo, stuffing and cranberry sauce between two big slices of homemade Italian country bread.

I strongly recommend this sandwich as a wise use of leftovers, although it’s a little too much for yours truly because I’m what you’d call “dentally challenged.”

I suppose no post would be complete with a Club Meds update, right? My newest medication, Gemfibrozil, lists some interesting potential side effects, the two most common being gastrointestinal distress and fatigue. I’ve been having both for the last several days, but I guess I should be grateful I’m not also experiencing nausea, jaundice, vertigo, dark urine, atrial fibrillation or acute appendicitis. Holy crap, this is like a horror movie in a pill.

Please send me some sugar-free lemon jello. Thank you for reading this.

Discounts and two horrible things.

Attention shoppers! I just found out there’s a new website that condenses all of AARP’s senior discounts in one convenient spot, and it’s a swell idea because I just printed a bunch $1-off grocery coupons and used a 25% Teleflora discount to order a bouquet for my mother’s birthday. Click here if you’re an AARP member.

And now, a couple of horrible things. First, I completely forgot to place our Schwan’s order online last night, which means the delivery dude will call later this morning to find out what the hell happened to me and I’ll have to read him my order over the phone. Technically I guess this isn’t so horrible after all.

Second, I attempted a trip to Kroger yesterday to use some of those aforementioned AARP grocery coupons and the parking lot was such a madhouse I turned around and drove home. I give up easily these days, especially if I can’t find a handicapped spot or a non-handicapped spot that’s near the entrance. It’s not that I’m totally lazy, mind you, but a jammed parking lot is a clear signal that the store is jammed, too, and my knees give out if I have to stand in line. Crying, waving my cane at the cashier and muttering obscenities usually doesn’t make the checkout process any faster. Trust me. (I’ve tried.)

I’d love to continue writing but all of a sudden I’m really tired and think I should go to bed. Thank you for not trying to stop me.

Miscellaneous Monday crapola.

Why everybody loves us. For those of you who may be interested, the four most popular Howdygram posts of all time are Marie Osmond looks like a drag queen (read), Paula Deen’s plastic surgery (read) and two about the ugliest world leaders of all time (click here and here). Exceptionally popular Google searches continue to send these pageviews through the roof. I suppose I could write about Marie, Paula and ugly world leaders more often, except there isn’t much else to say. Marie is still Marie, Paula is still Paula, and all of those ugly world leaders are still ugly. Moammar Gaddafi, however, is looking better than he used to because he’s currently DEAD.

Let’s talk onions rings. Remember that old adage, “you can’t judge a book by its cover”? Take a look at the two photos below. I’d be willing to bet you’d never in a million years think that Schwan’s frozen onion rings are as good as those hand-battered beauties from Scotty P’s, our favorite local burger joint! Actually, they’re NOT ... except Schwan’s are still pretty good, and I’m even getting ready to order my second bag this week.

Please note that Sam hasn’t tried Schwan’s onion rings yet, and his review should carry a lot more weight than mine because he’s basically the Roger Ebert of onion rings and pretty hard to please. I’ll feed him a few over Thanksgiving weekend and let you know what he thinks. Try to remain calm in the meantime.

The retail excursion. I just got home from an exhilarating little shopping junket! My first stop was Bed, Bath & Beyond, where I returned an annoying bedskirt and bought a nice rug for inside the back door and an extra throw pillow for the master bedroom. Then, in a mad rush of energy and inspiration, I drove over to Hobby Lobby (like Michael’s, but bigger) for two silk plants and a little bag of sugar-free DeMet’s Turtles that jumped into my cart during checkout. (I’m eating one as I write this post.)

Dr. M has added another new prescription to my ongoing regimen of maintenance drugs, this time for high triglycerides. I’m taking Gemfibrozil now, twice a day ... 30 minutes before breakfast and dinner. Personally, I’m not crazy about prescriptions that have to be coordinated with meals because they cramp my style. Even worse, these pills are GINORMOUS. (See below, depicted at actual size.) I might have to practice by swallowing a couple of whole DeMet’s Turtles.

Thank you for reading this.

Learning to type with a fork in your hand.

After last night’s insomnia marathon (read post) it was my grand plan to keep a low profile all morning, take a nice long afternoon nap and then go to Kirkland’s to use a thoughtful “happy birthday” coupon they sent me a few days ago … except sometimes plans don’t turn out exactly as you’d expect and my “low profile” scenario got blown out of the water. For instance: 1) Sam and I had to drop in to see my optometrist for an emergency repair this morning after my overpriced trifocals fell apart; 2) we stopped at Denny’s for a late breakfast because their Senior Scrambled Eggs are seriously the best deal in town; and 3) when I woke up from my afternoon nap I had such an uncontrollable craving for Curry Shrimp that I decided to skip Kirkland’s altogether and order dinner from China City.

I am waiting for my delivery as I write this post. It’s not easy to type with a fork in your hand but I’ve always been a quick study. (Ask anybody.)

I’ll probably reschedule Kirkland’s for one day next week. A portrait of our local store in Mesquite appears below for your possible interest. I love spending money here! However, after I finish dinner I think I’ll head over to Garden Ridge to shop for a decorative trunk because I picked out a perfect spot for it in the family room. (This is so much fun I almost can’t stand it.)

Incidentally, let me know if you want to come over and sit on our new sectional. We’re taking reservations by email. Thank you.

Thought for the day ... God bless Macy’s.

The truck pulled up half an hour ahead of schedule with two of the nicest delivery men on earth who called me “ma’am” and wiped their feet no less than 15 times. But the most important thing is, our new furniture from Macy’s is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS and I’m so excited I might not let myself sit on the sectional until after the first of the year or possibly Washington’s Birthday. After I jazz up the family room this afternoon — arranging my two new throw pillows, moving a couple of plants and shpritzing fingerprints off the cocktail table — I’ll shoot a picture to include with this post. I don’t know if you’ll be as exhilarated as I am but it wouldn’t hurt to pretend a little for my sake.

As long as I’m on a roll I decided to continue my decorating frenzy by placing orders on Kirklands.com for a pair of extremely terrific candle runners (see below) and on Amazon.com for half a dozen flameless LED votive candles.

The candle runner on the left uses votives; the runner on the right uses full-size 3" pillars. I plan to use flameless LED candles for both because they’re as pretty as the real thing but don’t make a melty mess and last almost forever (120 hours on one battery). Flameless LED candles are my new best friend … and they want to be YOUR best friend, too! You’ll find the best deals on Amazon.com and Wal-Mart.com.

And now … as promised, here’s a portrait of the #1 family room in Texas.

You’ll note the attractive patterned earth-tone pillows on the sectional, our new brown shag accent rug — which Sam nicknamed “Mr. Fluffy” — and several very nice, neatly-arranged green plants. FYI, the sectional looks smaller in this picture than it really is. The side with the left arm is 100" long and the side with the right arm is 115". But you might not care about this.

It was awfully nice of you to drop in today. I have to clean up the kitchen now.

My Wednesday night shopping retrospective.

As promised, here’s a quick recap of my excellent, successful and altogether fulfilling shopping excursion to Garden Ridge. Keep in mind, this is the first time I’ve set foot in Garden Ridge in three years, mostly because the store is roughly the size of South Dakota and difficult to navigate when you have to shlep around with a cane. Lately, however, I’ve been feeling quite mobile and spunky, and spunky people are willing to try just about ANYTHING.

So here’s what I bought: 1) two gorgeous throw pillows and a 5 x 7 super-fluffy dark brown shag accent rug for the family room; 2) a bright red brocade throw pillow for the master bedroom; 3) a red chenille fringed throw; and 4) assorted fabulous snacks for Sam. The fringed throw and assorted fabulous snacks are illustrated below.

As I write this post Sam has joined me here in the study with a bag of the Snyder’s nibblers and a quart of Perrier. He’s in honey mustard heaven, and I put him there.

I’ll be home all day today waiting for Macy’s so please send an email if you want to stop by for a couple of Pirouettes. Thank you.