Impress your friends and relatives! Thrill your rabbi!

I’m baking a glorious loaf of homemade low-carb bread as I write this post. Okay, maybe not totally homemade. It’s in my bread machine. But it’s still glorious, it’s still low-carb and it’s definitely still a loaf of bread. And it’s ALL MINE, which is the best part. I’m going to enjoy it tonight with a wad of havarti cheese, two half-sour pickles and a lovely pot of Five-Minute Stupid Soup. Anybody who wants to come over for dinner should send an email within the next 40 minutes. Thank you.

Impress your friends and relatives! Thrill your rabbi! For those of you with certified kosher sneakers I’m pleased to post the following new Star of David lacing technique courtesy of Ian’s Shoelace Website. Click here for Ian’s complete step-by-step instructions so you can make your casual footwear as religiously observant as possible. Thank you and shalom.

This has been a mighty productive day for online shopping at Howdygram headquarters. Today’s purchases included all of the following: 1) a box of 100 insulin pen needles; 2) 12 rolls of Brawny paper towels; 3) Fleischmann’s quick-rise bread machine yeast; 4) two big squeezy bottles of Dial NutriSkin Grapeseed Oil and Lemongrass body wash; 5) Mexican Velveeta; and 6) that’s it. Item 1 was purchased from American Diabetes Wholesale; the rest are from Wal-Mart. I think it’s amazing that a person can buy Velveeta online, don’t you?

I should be doing laundry right now. I’m just saying.

While I’m nearly positive that nobody gives a crap about this except possibly Sam and me, I just found out that one of our favorite restaurants — the Blue Mesa Grill in Addison — is moving to a new location at the end of July! Blue Mesa has an unforgettable Sunday brunch buffet featuring all-you-can-eat guacamole, baby flans, sweet potato chips, “street tacos” and an outrageously-attentive waiter named Al who knows what you want even before you ask for it. We love Al. The map below indicates: A) the current location of Blue Mesa at Village on the Parkway; and B) their future address on Montfort Drive, which is actually across the street.

Here’s hoping y’all have a pleasant evening. I’m going to watch a couple of old movies and eat things now.

Sam, Sherlock and a couple of excellent videos.

Before I join Sam in the family room to watch the last half of a Sherlock Holmes movie I thought I’d share the following two excellent video clips for your entertainment and enlightenment. The first is a monologue by Bill Maher from his Friday night “Real Time” program on HBO; the second is Vice President Joe Biden discussing what senior citizens can expect from Romney and Ryan. Please take a couple of minutes to watch both of them even if you’d rather be doing something else. Thank you.

Tomorrow will mark the final event of my week-long birthday celebration — SUNDAY BRUNCH AT BLUE MESA — where we’ll dine on fajitas, guacamole, sweet potato chips, adobe pie, teeny made-to-order omelets, smoked brisket, street tacos, excellent little sausages and enough mango ice tea to make your kidneys collapse. They also have Belgian waffles with whipped cream and exquisite little flans, but Sam has to eat those without my help because I have diabetes.

A quick public service announcement before I head back to Sam and Sherlock ... don’t forget to change your clocks tonight! I have no use whatosever for all this crap about Daylight Savings Time, except that switching back in November means I’m an hour younger and I’ll take all the extra hours I can get. Thank you for reading this.

Friends don’t let friends vote for Romney.

Here at Howdygram headquarters it’s been a strange and lazy day fraught with conflicts, which I’ll elaborate for you below.

Conflict #1. I conked out on the chaise in the family room before Sam left for work at 1:15 so I didn’t get a chance to tell him he looked cute and have a nice day. I hate that. To cheer myself up afterwards I ordered four squeezy bottles of Koop’s Spicy Brown Deli Mustard from the National Mustard Museum. Mustard solves everything.

Conflict #2. I want a large quantity of hot food for dinner tonight but don’t feel like cooking. My available options include: 1) continuing to whine; 2) hiring servants; or 3) ordering things from China City. I’ll probably pick door number three.

Conflict #3. I’m sick of the presidential election and November 6 can’t come soon enough. My final thought on the subject: FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS VOTE FOR ROMNEY. President Obama and I thank you.

In other news, Sam and I will continue to celebrate my birthday this weekend with a Saturday shopping excursion to the brand new Trader Joe’s in Plano and brunch on Sunday at Blue Mesa. While Blue Mesa is a favorite of ours and their brunch is consistently wonderful — unlimited guacamole! steak fajitas! adobe pies! teeny omelets! — I’m especially hysterical about our plans for Saturday because I haven’t set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2007. Holy crap, I’ve had my grocery list ready for TWO YEARS! Be sure to check in with the Howdygram over the weekend for late-breaking updates.

And finally ... from our Advanced Fruit Instruction department and the helpful screwballs at Foodbeast.com, I’m pleased to post the following educational video that demonstrates how to shuck a strawberry. I seriously can’t wait to try this, which gives you some idea what kind of life I lead.



I want to call China City now. Thank you for reading this.

Late-evening fun: an insulin injection, a handful of pills and “Hardcore Pawn” reruns.

Breaking news tonight from Howdygramland ... Blue Mesa was no big thrill this morning and it kills me to write this review. We used Sam’s free birthday brunch certificate and it’s apparent that the restaurant is falling on hard times. This conclusion is based on the following facts: 1) there were a lot fewer choices than usual on the buffet and no beef fajitas; 2) the adobe pies were cold; 3) the dining room was only one-third full; 4) nobody was waiting in line to be seated when we left at 11 a.m. (it’s usually packed to the rafters by then); and 5) our server quietly mentioned to Sam that “business has been really slow” and his coworkers are being laid off. Sad but true. If we ever decide to go back for brunch we’ll probably try a different location. There are five in the Dallas area.

In other news, Lieutenant Commander Quinton McHale died today at the age of 95. McHale is survived by Ensign Chuck Parker (see inset); Captain Binghamton passed away in 1974 when he drowned in a swimming pool in Beverly Hills.

Many of you may know that I grew up in Chicago, and my fondest childhood memories include going to the beach, riding the roller coasters with my dad at Riverview Park and eating hot dogs. The latter, incidentally, is not just a sandwich. In Chicago, the hot dog is an ART FORM. The perfect Chicago hot dog has to be Vienna Kosher on a Rosen’s poppy seed bun with the following MANDATORY INGREDIENTS: 1) mustard; 2) neon green relish; 3) chopped onions; 4) one pickle spear; 5) tomato wedges; 6) hot Italian sport peppers; and 7) a shpritz of celery salt. My favorite hot dog stands were Hot Dog Island in Evanston at the corner of Central and Crawford and Wolfy’s on Peterson Avenue in Chicago.

I was carrying on like this about hot dogs with so much passion this afternoon that Sam finally said, “Can’t we get these damn things in Dallas?” which, of course, is enough to make a person from Chicago laugh out loud. You can’t really get a genuine Chicago hot dog anywhere except in Chicago, but according to Yelp there are a few local reasonable facsimiles, including Five Guys (they use Hebrew National instead of Vienna) and a little drive-through in far north Dallas called The Dog Stop that’s closed on Sundays. Unfortunately, I doubt that either of them includes the top three key Chicago style hot dog ingredients (items 2, 6 and 7 from the previous paragraph).

Sam picked up hot dogs from Five Guys for dinner tonight. On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being Hot Dog Island, Five Guys’ hot dogs were maybe a 6¾. Next weekend we’ll drive up to north Dallas and try The Dog Stop. Stay tuned for an official review.

And now it’s time for some late-evening fun, which includes an insulin injection, a handful of pills and a couple of “Hardcore Pawn” reruns. Thank you for reading this.

Presenting ugly crap from fashion week events around the world.

Innumerable exciting activities have been happening around here today. They include, in no particular order: 1) eating half a bag of potato chips for breakfast; 2) our quarterly outdoor pest control treatment (holy crap, Texas has a lot of bugs); 3) watching Finian’s Rainbow (1968) starring Fred Astaire and Petula Clark; 4) unpacking yesterday’s delivery from the Asian Food Grocer; and 5) making the bed.

Regarding item #3, Finan’s Rainbow is a stupid story with fantastic songs, and the only reason I bothered to watch is because we sang the entire score in choir my last year of high school and I know all the words. And also because it’s Fred Astaire’s last musical and I love Fred Astaire.

In case many of you may have thought otherwise, I’ve got ample proof that Einsteins exist in the fashion industry as illustrated by the following photos from fashion week events around the world. Does anybody really buy this ugly crap?

Does anybody have exciting plans for the weekend? We have nothing scheduled whatsoever except for Sam’s annual free birthday brunch on Sunday at Blue Mesa, where they’ve got the best southwestern food on the planet with really nice servers like Al, who’s our favorite. Al brings Sam extra grapefruit juice and never lets me run out of ice tea.

I think I’d better rustle up some grub because I’m awfully hungry right now. I’ve got a craving for a couple of Schwan’s spicy chicken things with cole slaw and a few Vlasic sugar-free sweet pickles. I’m living the good life here at Howdygram headquarters!

Enjoying reality.

In a word, last night’s weather event was a real DOOZY that rocked us out of bed at 1:55 in the morning and included torrential rain, 70 m.p.h. wind gusts and extremely loud HAIL, key ingredients of every self-respecting thunderstorm that wants to call itself “severe.” This one definitely fit the bill. I don’t know the total rainfall yet, but remind me to send a thankyou note to somebody because we need all the rain we can get.

At 9 this morning we drove to north Dallas for brunch at Blue Mesa, which was — as always — outstanding. Al was his typical tip-worthy self, fawning all over us, dripping with charm and fulfilling Sam’s grapefruit juice fantasies with at least two gallons of fresh-squeezed. My favorite southwestern corn relish, however, was a little disappointing. Mom said it was “nice and crunchy” (I’m assuming that’s a compliment); to me it just tasted like smelly feet. At first I was afraid my taste disorder (see earlier post) had come back, but since everything else on my plate was absolutely yum I have to stick to the smelly feet critique. Mom loved the teeny flans and the guacamole was crazy good. God bless avocados.

We’re an hour away from game four of the World Series but I honestly don’t know if I can stand another evening with the Rangers and Cardinals after last night’s catastrophe. I might have to crawl under a rock with an old movie and the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” But never mind where I’ll be an hour from now … first I have to figure out what’s for dinner around here. Mom and Sam, who are walking around the block, both requested lox and bagels; I’m considering a pile of steamed veggies and leftover meatballs from last night.

Life is swell. Thanks for stopping by.

There’s always tomorrow.

A few final thoughts from Howdygramland before I drift off to bed.

Mom arrived safe and sound from Los Angeles this afternoon. I cooked a really nice dinner at home followed by some raisins, and then we decide to watch game three of the World Series, which is being played at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. This is actually a HUGE MISTAKE for after-dinner entertainment. Within an hour the Rangers are already drowning 5 to 0, Nolan Ryan looks like he passed a kidney stone and Sam and I are shrieking obscenities at the TV. I start to feel nauseated and suggest we’d better consider a cute movie instead before everybody has a stroke. We watched The Great Race on DVD.

By now, of course, everybody knows the Rangers lost 16 to 7, a score that must have shattered some kind of moronic World Series record for Most Humiliating Loss By a Team With a Home Field Advantage.

On a happier note, we’re taking mom to Blue Mesa in the morning for brunch, where a person can load up on all-you-can-eat fajitas, street tacos, guacamole, sweet potato chips, waffles, adobe pie, designer omelets and teeny tiny flans. They also have the best southwestern corn relish on the planet and Al, our favorite waiter. This glorious food fest will be preceded by a large herd of thunderstorms, which are heading south from Oklahoma as I write this post.

Night-night. Thank you for reading this.

Our Sunday agenda with David.

We’re taking David to brunch at Blue Mesa Grill later this morning. There are five Blue Mesa restaurants scattered around Dallas but Sam and I always go to the one in Addison (see photo below) because we have a favorite waiter named Al who knocks himself out refilling the guacamole. Blue Mesa’s brunch is TO DIE FOR and continues to win all kinds of awards. My personal favorite entree is their adobe pie, but I can’t seem to find a decent portrait of this dish online that doesn’t look like a plate of barf. Adobe pie is, in fact, a FABULOUS CREATION and one of the all-time best items on their menu aside from southwestern fajitas, house-made sweet potato chips, street tacos and blue corn enchiladas!

After brunch we’ll treat David to a free narrated driving tour of Dallas, which will include: 1) the mansions of Bent Tree; 2) the mansions of Highland Park; 3) George and Laura’s neighborhood; 4) the SMU campus; 5) the Kennedy Memorial, the Book Depository and everybody’s favorite “grassy knoll”; 6) Sam’s office at Crescent Court (see below) in Uptown; and 7) mooing cattle in Sunnyvale.

Crescent Court is an exceptionally cool complex with snooty shopping like Stanley Korshak and white-tablecloth restaurants like The Capital Grille, a five-star hotel, and three office towers with a tenant list that reads like a Who’s Who of Wall Street. Plus Sam.

And finally, here are three of Sunnyvale’s finest posing for an informal portrait. Sunnyvale is adjacent to our subdivision in Mesquite and a bunch of happy cattle actually live right across the street from the CVS pharmacy on Belt Line. You can even hear them moo when you’re waiting for a prescription!

I’d better go to bed now so I won’t be late for brunch. Thank you for reading this.

Early morning cravings, part two.

Sam wasn’t irritated, just kind of disinterested. He gave me a crinkle-face when I suggested brunch at Blue Mesa because last time we were there our waiter was crabby, so I forged ahead to “Plan B” — Cheetos and a Prilosec capsule washed down with an ice cold Marcytini and an old Dr. Kildare movie starring Lew Ayres and Lionel Barrymore. I’m definitely living the good life here!

More later. Thank you for stopping by.

Early morning cravings.

In case you’re curious, I chose leftover Szechwan tofu last night followed by cottage cheese half an hour later. Unfortunately, an uninspired dinner always leads to an early A.M. breakfast craving, so at 5:45 in the morning I’m trying to figure out how to needle Sam into taking me to Blue Mesa at 10 for their brunch buffet. I especially need Blue Mesa’s adobe pie, which is so good a person could DREAM about it. Ditto for their guacamole.

I wonder if Sam would get irritated if I woke him up to discuss Blue Mesa. Stay tuned.