I’ve been hacked.

In this post: Generosity, suspension, canned goods.

I’ve got some breaking news for those of you following the tale of my wayward shipment from Netrition. Today they RESHIPPED MY ENTIRE ORDER from back on March 11, not just the contents of the one damaged carton that UPS returned to them. Holy crap, everybody … we’ll be PACKED TO THE RAFTERS here with duplicate pumpernickel, hot dog buns, cookies, pasta sauce, chili, sugar-free fake Kool-Aid drink mixes and chocolate bars! That’s about $150 worth of free food! I’m sure the customer service Einsteins at Netrition think they’re being generous, helpful and accommodating, but WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THIS STUFF? Our pantry is already jammed with — among other things — Hormel tamales, Spam, Vienna sausages, Loma Linda fake meat and teeny cans of ham floating in mystery juice that arrive regularly in caseloads from Wal-Mart and Amazon. Please don’t tell Sam about this yet so I can make a plan. HEY! WANT TO COME FOR DINNER?

I think poor Sam is starving to death.

In this post: Spam, Sam.

While I sit here dreaming about Spam tonight for an early dinner I think I need to apologize (again) for part of a Howdygram post I wrote yesterday. Specifcally this one, the paragraph titled BIG FAT CHANGE #3. Sam said it sounded mean. (He’s right, it did.) Thank you.

Sodium and chemicals are two of my favorite food groups.

In this post: Sam, Spam, fonts, gas pains.

I was hoping to write another nice Howdygram post tonight, but Sam called on Face Time at 10:15 and we managed to kill an hour and a half gabbing about all kinds of crap, and now it’s almost too late for posting because I still have to take a shower, put out fresh bath towels, watch tonight’s Olympics coverage (I recorded it from prime time), shoot insulin and eat cookies. There’s just no end to it, is there?

Hey, Jeremy. You stink.

In this post: Sunshine, Spam, Jeremy Abbott.

Happy Saturday, boys and girls! It’s a glorious morning here at Howdygram headquarters, featuring: 1) warm weather and sunshine; 2) a pantry full of Vienna sausages; 3) Sam is coming home from California tomorrow; and 4) MY KNEES DON’T HURT FOR THE SECOND CONSECUTIVE DAY. I don’t know if item 4 is related to item 1 but I’m definitely feeling damn good right now. I’d celebrate with a cartwheel except there’s nobody here to call 911 afterwards.

Today I slept through breakfast, lunch and three movies.

In this post: Power naps, lousy websites, scary sculptures.

So far Wednesday has been a mighty peculiar hoo-hah around here. I woke up way too early this morning — around 6 a.m., I think — after a nightmare about the Kardashians, and by 9:15 I decide to lie down in the family room with Mr. Furry* because I’m freezing and my head hurts. Unfortunately, the next time I open my eyes it’s already 1:30 and Sam is on his way out the door to go to work. Holy crap, people ... A FOUR-HOUR NAP. I lost half a day and slept through breakfast, lunch and THREE MOVIES!

Another day, another dead dysfunctional actor.

In this post: Addiction, Spam.

While I wait for Sam to get home from work I have one thought to share with you. CAN WE STOP OBSESSING ABOUT PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN?