NorthPark Center is the biggest hoo-hah in Dallas for high-end shopping.

In this post: Not going out, not staying awake, not watching the Cowboys game.

We almost went someplace today until I changed my mind at the last minute. For the last couple of days Sam and I had tossed around a few ideas about an outing to snooty NorthPark Center in Dallas — I haven’t been to a mall in years! — with lunch at P.F. Chang’s near the south entrance. This could have worked out beautifully if I hadn’t accidentally slept until 11:30, thereby destroying any feasible opportunity to find a parking spot and get seated in the restaurant in advance of the Southern Baptist after-church horde. In other words, I really screwed us up.

Miscellaneous baloney, a movie review and another font meltdown.

In this post: Fighting font corruption, appreciating “Brazil,” Rooster’s Roadhouse.

Oy, people, what a day. Howdygram headquarters had another major FONT MELTDOWN this morning! I was seeing way too many “out of memory” warning messages on my Mac last night even during the simplest procedures, and since this was basically the same horseshit as last time (see post) I got up at the crack of dawn to figure out what I had to do. You know, like 4:15 in the morning. It took FIVE HOURS to validate and delete 974 corrupt and semi-corrupt fonts — merely a fraction of my current font library, in case you’re interested — and by the time I finished my Mac was back to normal and I was ready for an asylum.

FYI, I finally concluded what started all this baloney ... and it actually had nothing whatsoever to do with fonts! The culprit was a large and apparently-damaged graphic file I’d transferred from Adobe Illustrator to InDesign, at which time InDesign froze solid and Photoshop crashed. My Macintosh technical guru told me months ago always to check my font library after issues like this, and sure enough ... there were scary little warning icons all over the place instructing me to begin deleting IMMEDIATELY or face eternal damnation.

The Dallas Cowboys should get sued for firing an employee who’s nine months pregnant.

As I sit here listening to a load of robes and underwear dancing in the dryer I’m reminded that I have a very nice life. This consists mostly of excellent old movies, Five-Minute Stupid Soup, frequent naps and the best husband on earth. (Not necessarily in that order.)

I’m at a loss to understand this. After no measurable precipitation in drought-stricken north Texas for MONTHS, half an hour after it started raining today we already had dire FLASH FLOOD WARNINGS all over the Internet and TV. The National Weather Service posted the following notice IN ALL CAPS on Weather.com: “FLASH FLOOD WARNING CONTINUES FOR ALL COUNTIES IN NORTH CENTRAL TEXAS. RAINFALL TOTALS OF 2 TO 4 INCHES WITH HIGHER AMOUNTS POSSIBLE. WIDESPREAD HEAVY RAINFALL TONIGHT AND WEDNESDAY WILL RESULT IN EXCESSIVE RUNOFF, LEADING TO FLOODED CREEKS, STREAMS, PONDS, DRY CREEK BEDS AND LOW WATER CROSSINGS.”

The pink asterisk on the map above denotes Howdygram headquarters. Don’t bother zooming in because I’m in the house waiting for Sam to float home from work.

I just read an article on MyHealthNewsDaily.com that drinking diet soda apparently is linked to DEPRESSION. The report is somewhat suspect, however, since researchers also revealed that diet drinks don’t actually cause depression and their findings can’t provide any substantiation for this claim whatsoever. The following is a direct quote: “They looked at more than 263,900 U.S. adults ages 50 to 71 who answered questions about their beverage consumption between the years 1995 and 1996. About 10 years later (from 2004 to 2006), the same people were asked if a doctor had diagnosed them with depression since the year 2000. People who regularly drank four or more cans of any type of soda a day were 30 percent more likely to have received a diagnosis of depression than people who did not drink soda.”

This is the dumbest pile of horseshit I’ve ever read. I’d be willing to bet 30% of EVERYBODY in the 50 to 71 age group could be diagnosed with depression at some point, considering they’re all getting old, suffering through menopause or erectile dysfunction, their parents are dying and nobody can zip last year’s jeans. Holy crap, does somebody really earn money for research like this? Why not assume that U.S. adults using underarm deodorant or driving four-door sedans in 1995 would be depressed 10 years later?

Our final thought comes from the world of sports, where Dallas Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan got sacked today after his second consecutive crappy season. Personally, I think the Cowboys management should get sued for firing an employee who’s nine months pregnant.

Sam just got home, so it’s time to eat snacks and hang out in the family room for a couple of hours. Thank you for reading this.

I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

A brief word about this fiscal cliff horseshit. CONGRESS MAKES ME SICK. I keep wondering why homicidal maniacs with assault weapons only show up at grammar schools and theaters. I’m just saying.

Tonight we’re waiting for rain here at Howdygram headquarters. It’s on the way for sure with a 90% chance starting around 5 a.m. and lasting all day Monday. Cold, crappy, bone-chilling, beautiful rain that we need DESPERATELY. In the meantime Sam and I ordered ourselves a pile of food from China City tonight because nothing says NFL football like egg rolls and Mongolian chicken. Unfortunately, the Washington Redskins trampled the Dallas Cowboys in a basically depressing game and blew us out of a slot in the playoffs ... not that we actually deserved to be there, quite honestly. Missing from the Cowboys’ roster tonight were teammates Josh Brent and Jerry Brown, for reasons indicated below.

Brent is responsible for Brown’s status due to a car wreck on December 8, whereby Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter (translation: the dude was drunk). He’s not especially popular these days.

Sam is stretched out in the family room wrapped in Mister Furry — our gigantic faux mink throw — watching one of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I don’t know which one, but it doesn’t matter since they’re all the same and everybody has rotten teeth. It’s all a little too realistic for me.

From our I’ll Do Anything To Stay Famous department comes this photo of America’s reigning tramp Kim Kardashian, on her way into a Miami restaurant wearing a black elastic bra with a transparent skirt. The view from the front must have stopped traffic. I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

For months I’ve been on the lookout for wholesome family entertainment that doesn’t involve Turner Classic Movies, and I think I’ve finally found the answer. I just bought an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH on Amazon! This isn’t one of those fancy-schmancy gadgets that your dentist tries to sell you for $99, though. It’s a $5 Spinbrush with a couple hundred five-star user reviews, so I ordered one for me and one for Sam plus a package of refills. Now we can stand at the sink together, hold hands and spin our teeth into breathtaking whiteness all at the same time. Holy crap, does this sound like fun, or what?

I have no idea what’s wrong with me tonight so maybe I’ll just inject some insulin and go to bed. Thank you for reading this.

Happy Hanukkah to everybody celebrating tonight in Latkeland.

We had lunch yesterday at Alfredo’s Steakhouse in Forney, Texas. We’d been driving past it for years on our way to other restaurants and finally decided to give it a shot once we noticed the parking lot was full at an odd time of day. Now we know why! Alfredo’s is NOT a trendy restaurant that’s trying to act like a 1950s diner; IT’S THE REAL DEAL where all the food is made from scratch by Alfredo himself with his own two spotless little hands. They’ve got huge portions, Flintstone-size dinnerware, retro prices, adorable round dinner rolls and pour real gravy on practically everything. Sam ordered a breakfast burrito for $4.99 that could have been the centerfold for this month’s issue of Popular Obesity. They even have liver and onions. LIVER AND ONIONS! We can’t wait to go back because Alfredo’s is only 15 minutes from home and we want to try everything on the menu.

For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Alfredo’s Steakhouse on U.S. 80 in Forney.

Incidentally, we almost got to meet Alfredo but he was too busy to horse around in the dining room with customers. I tried to find a photo of him online but had no luck, so here’s a picture of Cesar Romero instead.

Weather.com says there’s a cold front heading for Dallas tonight, which explains why my knees were stiff as a board when I woke up this morning and why I decided to stay in bed for an extra hour and skip our planned junket to Costco. I sent Sam by himself to load up on some of our favorite crapola, which included: 1) a gigantic jar of shockingly-tasteless dry-roasted peanuts; 2) a two-pound tub of rotisserie chicken salad; 3) a carton of Angus 100% beef fully-cooked char-grilled hamburger patties; 4) a couple of overstuffed calzones; and 5) a large package of sliced pepper jack cheese. Sam said he got really excited at the checkout when he realized he might be getting out of Costco cheap this week except at the last minute they tacked on our annual membership renewal and loused everything up.

The Howdygram would like to extend its warmest wishes for a happy Hanukkah to everybody celebrating tonight in Latkeland. Thank you and shalom.

This just in from our Sports Desk! The Irving, Texas, police have reported that Cowboys linebacker Jerry Brown died yesterday in an early morning car crash, and Cowboys nose tackle Josh Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter in Brown’s death after ramming into a curb at high speed and flipping his vehicle while driving drunk. I’m not saying this is an excuse or anything, but if I tackled noses for a living I’d probably get plastered, too.

I have no agenda for the rest of the evening except for dinner and a hot shower. Since Sam is asleep in the family room (his third nap today) and showing no interest whatsoever in food, I’ll probably be dining alone unless you’d like to drop in for a while and watch The Shop Around the Corner starring James Stewart and Margaret Sullavan. Let me know so I can turn on the driveway light.

Drumstick ice cream cones: the official hors d’oeuvres of Howdygram headquarters.

Happy Sunday from Howdygram headquarters where, after sleeping through a really boring western, Sam remains comfortably unconscious in the family room as I write this post. The aforementioned boring western was The Kansan (1943) starring Richard Dix and Jane Wyatt, the semi-dopey tale of a drifter who gets shot stopping a bank robbery and wakes up in the hospital to find out he’s been elected marshal. Albert Dekker is on hand as the bad guy, but that’s hardly a casting surprise because Albert Dekker is ALWAYS the bad guy. Makes you wonder if this Dekker dude was an evil, crooked jerk in real life, too. (Probably not.) My only real issue with this movie is Richard Dix, who consistently has the personality of an eggplant.

When Sam eventually wakes up, tonight’s entertainment will include homemade matzo ball soup if I can stop typing long enough to throw everything into a pot and the Cowboys vs. Atlanta Falcons game on NBC. If soup and football sound better than what’s on your current Sunday night agenda, please send me an email right away and we’ll save you a seat. The festivities begin at 7 p.m. You can wear a bathrobe if you want to.

With Election Day almost upon us I’d like to share three more outstanding videos from the Obama for America campaign. They’re all definitely worth watching and I hope you’ll give them a few minutes of your time. And tell your friends.







Holy crap, I’d better get started making soup or Sam won’t have anything to eat when he wakes up except for Drumstick ice cream cones, which technically only qualify as hors d’oeuvres. Thank you for reading this.

A mini mummy marathon and a catchy Pizza Robot Song. Everybody sing!

After a water-logged weekend — 2¼ inches of rain! — spent mostly indoors I’m pleased to report that Sam and I enjoyed a mini mummy marathon on TCM that included: 1) The Mummy (1932) starring Boris Karloff; 2) Charlie Chan in Egypt (1935) starring Warner Oland and Rita Hayworth; and 3) Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955) starring — go on, take a guess! — Abbott and Costello.

A few thoughts about the aforementioned films. First, Boris Karloff was one of the creepiest horror characters EVER as Imhotep the mummy. What a great movie! This was definitely our favorite. Second, I don’t know about you, but it drives me nuts to see white people playing Asians. I mean, was there a SHORTAGE? Warner Oland was a Swedish actor who got stuck in Chinese makeup for almost his entire career. His first Chinese role was in The Lightning Raider (1919) followed by 36 additional films (mostly as Charlie Chan) until his death in 1938. And finally, for your possible interest, Rita Hayworth was only 17 years old when she co-starred with Oland in Charlie Chan in Egypt. At the time she was an exotic brunette still using her real name (Rita Cansino) and was usually cast in films as a foreigner or a fake gypsy. In this case Rita was a fake Egyptian alongside Oland as a fake Chinese detective. Oy.

Don’t laugh, but it took me three days of trial and error to figure out how to add the Howdygram’s new three-star divider image that appears at the end of every post. The original HTML coding that I had on file was giving me crappy results so I had to comb through several million lines of my blog’s style sheet code until I nailed down what I was supposed to do. I never gave up, which is a personality trait that almost always guarantees both results and insanity. On the bright side, though, now I finally have some free time to FOLD SOCKS. Yee-haw!

One last thought as I migrate into the family room for a nap and “People’s Court.” Here’s a video clip of a catchy Pizza Robot Song that might interest you. (Or not.) If you learn the words you might consider a family singalong.



Thank you for reading this and don’t forget the Cowboys/Bears game tonight on Monday Night Football.

Why we really, really love Dallas.

Sam and I really love it here in the Dallas area. With a population of 1,197,816 we’re the 9th largest city in the United States and share the top 10 with two other Texas metropolitan areas (Houston and San Antonio). Our reasons for enjoying Dallas, however, are many and varied. For instance:

• We always find parking no matter where we go unless it’s Tom Thumb at Preston and Forest two days before Christmas.
• The citizens of Dallas still wear cowboy hats.
• Dallas is uncongested with lots of land area and low population density, and there are enough donut shops, nail salons and dental clinics per square mile to service an obese, well-groomed population with no cavities at least six times greater than ours.
• Huge freeways with practically no traffic, especially when you compare this to where we grew up (Chicago for me, L.A. for Sam).
• Extremely short winters that last maybe 10 days.
• A vast number of wonderful restaurants with the exception of a real Kosher deli, of which there are none worth mentioning whatsoever.
• Excellent hospitals and doctors.
• Tons of snooty stores if you’re rich.
• You can live in a beautiful suburban subdivision and still be close enough to cattle ranches — like us! — to hear the longhorns moo.
• Dallas is full of Texans, and Texans are entertaining. I refer you to the photo above in case you need proof of this statement.

Incidentally, according to the latest Harris Interactive Poll it seems that lots of Americans would like to live in Dallas. As a matter of fact, after not even making the top 15 ever we’re all the way up to number 4 now ... right behind New York City, San Diego and Seattle. Even with blowhard Rick Perry as governor!

And finally, no post about Dallas would be complete without mentioning the Dallas Cowboys, who receive our undying support no matter how much they suck. With 14 seconds to go in the first half Sunday night, and the Cowboys down 21-0 to the Giants, the following shot of owner/general manager Jerry Jones says it all. I don’t know if this is suitable for framing but you have my permission to try. (Better luck next year, Jerry.)

Thank y’all for reading this.

Cowboys, free chili and Miss Einstein takes a drive.

In case you’re wondering what smells so good I made a huge pot of homemade chili this afternoon ... and it’s ready just in time for the Cowboys/Giants game on NBC. I’d be completely shocked if the Cowboys won tonight, but we watch because we’re always hoping for an elusive miracle that — just once — they won’t suck on national television.

And now, for your possible enjoyment, I’m pleased to offer this partial list of the most outrageous lawsuits of 2011.

• Convict sues a couple he kidnapped for not helping him evade the police.
• Man illegally brings a gun into a bar, gets injured in a fight and then sues the bar for not searching him for a weapon.
• Adult children sue their mother for sending cards without gifts and playing favorites.
• Woman disagrees with a store over an 80¢ refund and sues for $5 million.
• Mom sues an exclusive preschool over her child’s diminished college prospects.
• Obese man sues White Castle because the booths are too tight.
• Mother sues Chuck E. Cheese because she thinks their games encourage gambling in children.

Add to this a news story I read yesterday about a 22-year-old woman who’s suing a bar in South Carolina for not “carding” her in 2009, thereby allowing her to buy alcohol, get wasted, crash her car on the way home and wind up a paraplegic. Police said Miss Einstein was not wearing a seat belt and her blood alcohol level was several times the legal limit. Bottom line ... being a complete moron obviously means you always have to find somebody else to blame for your mistakes.

It’s chili time! We’ve got plenty if you want to come over and watch the Cowboys game with us, so send me a quick email if you’re interested. (We have napkins, too.) Thank you for reading this.

The Howdygram honors a couple of turkeys.

As a respected blogger and a responsible journalist I believe it’s my job to make sure everybody focuses on what’s really important on Thanksgiving. Therefore I’m pleased to post the following video clip, which seems to prove that Dallas Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones — frequently considered a turkey in his own right — wears a HAIRPIECE.



Speculation about Jerry’s hair is a very large deal here in north Texas, and I’m honored that the Howdygram has an opportunity to bring this issue to the forefront.

In other news, our feast from Boston Market is warming up in the oven and I, for one, can’t wait to eat! For me, Thanksgiving has always been the #1 best food holiday, and although I have no sugar-free dessert this year I plan to watch closely as Sam stuffs himself with the sweet potato pie he bought yesterday by mistake at Tom Thumb. (He thought it was pumpkin. Sam needs reading glasses.)

Thanks for stopping by and happy Thanksgiving.

Watching for weather.

The National Weather Service has issued a thunderstorm watch for all of north Texas — including Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite — until 11 p.m. tonight. Trust me, “watches” are a meaningless threat around here because the storms almost never materialize. (We’re still in the middle of an “excessive drought.”) Tonight might be different, though. I just noticed there’s a 90% chance of severe thunderstorms from 7 to 10 p.m., which makes it a lot more probable than the typical storm watch. I sincerely hope Sam will be home before the fun starts because we enjoy watching weather together. He’s still at work.

The Cowboys won today. All of a sudden everyone loves Tony Romo again.

Don’t tell anybody, but I didn’t actually see the whole game. I gave up halfway through when the Redskins were ahead and watched a very good whodunit from 1939 called The Lone Wolf Spy Hunt (see below) with Ida Lupino and Warren William. Sam called afterwards with the final score.

For the record, I don’t regret my choice because I like Warren William more than Tony Romo. He’s great in mysteries and always reminds me of a classic silent movie villain with that screwy pencil mustache.

I think I’ll take a hot shower now and then rearrange some plants and doodads. If you run into Sam, please tell him to come home. Thank you.

Happiness and updates.

It’s Sunday in Howdygramland and there are millions of things to be happy about! For instance:

1. Our new bed was FABULOUS last night.
2. Sam ate two donuts for breakfast.
3. We’ve got a 40% chance of thunderstorms this afternoon.
4. The Dallas Cowboys play the Washington Redskins at noon.
5. There’s leftover pizza in the refrigerator.
6. I can’t think of anything else.

And now, for those of you trying to keep up with breaking news from posts I wrote a few days ago, I’m pleased to offer the following updates.

Update #1. That gigantic carton I received from Kirkland’s (see post) did, in fact, contain a 20-inch candle runner with enough padding to ship the White House china to Mars. Ironically, I had to return the stupid thing on Thursday because it arrived BENT.

Update #2. I also plan to return the mocha-color bedskirt I bought at Bed Bath & Beyond (see post) because I couldn’t get the wrinkles out. I figured three hours was enough time to devote to this idiotic adventure and eventually just gave up. It was a crushing disappointment and one from which I may never ever recover. (I might be kidding about this.)

Update #3. Apparently I’m the victim of a “Perryesque” brain freeze where my diabetes meds are concerned. For the last six weeks I’ve been injecting the wrong dose of Victoza — 1.2 mg instead of 1.8 — which might explain why my blood sugar numbers have been a little too high. The big “holy crap” moment occurred a few hours after my appointment with Dr. M on Friday (see post) when I realized she told me to start injecting the higher dose the last time I saw her back in September. Yours truly feels like a total crackpot about this.

Sam is back at the office today, so apparently I’ll be watching the Cowboys all by myself and won’t have to share any leftovers unless y’all want to come on over and watch the game with me here in Texas. Please send an email if this appeals to you.

Why Sundays are almost never crappy.

I totally love Sundays. Aside from the fact that Sam and I get to spend the entire day together it’s also filled with wonderful, unforgettable experiences, such as: 1) I get to sleep until 10:30 if the phone doesn’t ring; 2) there’s a Cowboys game that starts at noon and I’m talented enough to watch TV and fold socks at the same time; and 3) we have a ton of leftovers from Pei Wei for lunch.

For the sports fans among you, the Dallas Cowboys whomped the Buffalo Bills today 44 to 7 and quarterback Tony Romo, pictured at right, was 13 for 13 in the first half with three touchdown passes. The ’Boys made the game look so easy I kept checking to see if the Bills forgot to show up. Regardless, everybody in the stands managed to stay awake while the Dallas Cowboys Pole Dancers — famous for their teeny uniforms and surgically-implanted hair extensions — attempted airborne splits as they dropped from a hovering helicopter over the stadium. (I might be kidding about the helicopter part.) Yee-ha, y’all.

Other Sunday activities included ripping open a bunch of FedEx deliveries that arrived yesterday and finishing a box of halva. Although I definitely love halva, the deliveries were awfully swell, too, and included a package of LED flameless votive candles, a rustic side table with a built-in magazine rack from Kirkland’s (see below), a new red chenille throw from Dillard’s and a bunch of pumpernickel bread machine mixes from the Prepared Pantry.

And now it’s time for dinner even though Sam insists he’s not hungry. Personally, I’m leaning towards a few mozzarella sticks because they’re fast as hell (eight minutes) and foolproof. Sam will probably continue grazing on cashews and dried apricots until his intenstines go kablooey. Thank you for reading this.

Change the channel and pass the hot sauce.

Good news. I’ve finally recovered from the Texas Rangers’ loss to St. Louis in the World Series, and I can thank the Dallas Cowboys for that. Their amateur performance last night against the Philadelphia Eagles was so embarrassing it was like a high school game you hope your relatives forgot to attend … except in this case the Cowboys were on NATIONAL TELEVISION. They lost the game 34 to 7, with quarterback Tony Romo hurling passes into vacant air for the silliest performance of his career. Pictured below are the Cowboys’ highly paid strategists … head coach Jason Garrett (left) and premier doofus Rob Ryan, who needs to lay off the cheeseburgers. Or maybe he’s expecting twins.

Don’t tell anybody, but my birthday is coming up on Tuesday and we decided to celebrate yesterday because Sam works evenings during the week. So we went back to Mariano’s Hacienda for dinner, and it was awesome. And we had our favorite awesome waiter again, too … the entertaining Umberto, who refills water and ice tea with such speed and agility it should be an Olympic event.

And now I’d better wake Sam so we can go to bed. The lucky guy fell asleep during the Cowboys game and hasn’t moved an inch in more than two hours. Thank you for reading this and Happy Halloween. Boo, y’all.

Football from a new perspective.

Here’s what you’ve all been waiting for — photos from Sam’s VIP tour of Cowboys Stadium! The best part, apparently, was the fact that the Cowboys were actually PRACTICING yesterday so Sam had a chance to hang out at the 50-yard line along with the coaches and Gatorade boys!

Other points of interest included Jerry Jones’ luxury suite and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders’ locker room. The latter featured life-size photos of the finest bimbos in Texas wearing practically no clothes whatsoever. Yee-ha, y’all.

And now I’d like to critique the worst reality competition show of all time, Bravo’s “Work of Art.” The new season debuted last night and the 14 artists/contestants are the most bizarre flock of whack jobs I’ve ever seen. I’ll feature two of the worst for your possible enlightenment — Kathryn and Sucklord. (No kidding. That’s his name.)

Kathryn makes three-dimensional art and faux human organs from dough and rags splattered with jelly, red fruit juice and berry stains and then photographs them. Frankly, this is way beyond disgusting and looks more like crap from the floor of an operating room.

Sucklord designs art toys and “evil arts action figures” and describes himself as a geeky nerd. Truth is, Sucklord is also snotty as hell and void of any visible talent. I’d be willing to bet he was a special needs student in high school.

Sucklord was almost eliminated on the first night of competition even though the show’s art expert and mentor, Simon DePury, is a huge Sucklord fan and has even paid money for his gay action figures like Homotrooper, pictured above. Simon frightens me beyond belief. THIS IS NOT ART.

Before I go back to bed I’d like to thank y’all for letting me unload. Have a nice day.

Fair game.

On the slim chance this might be important to you I thought I’d include the Dallas Observer’s handy fried food map for the Texas State Fair. I realize the image below is too teeny to be very helpful so CLICK HERE for a larger version.

For all you foodies out there I’m pleased to introduce a couple of interesting new Texas State Fair dining options that didn’t actually win any awards. First, I don’t know what the hell is stuffed inside that beautiful Bacon-Wrapped Flour Tortilla (see below) but as long as it’s not bubble gum I’m positive I want to eat this — and it’s even on a STICK. Corn Dog Pizza, on the other hand, looks pretty revolting and will probably attract a pre-school crowd. (The same age group that’s throwing a tantrum for Make-Your-Own Slurpees.)

And here’s an official portrait of the Deep-Fried Biscuits and Gravy when it posed for the State Fair yearbook last month. I seriously want to eat THIS, too.

One last item on the subject of football. Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was elected MVP by the Detroit Lions yesterday after allowing three agonizing fourth-quarter interceptions that turned the Cowboys’ 24-point lead into a 34-30 loss. Below is a photo of Romo reacting to his epic failure. The game was so depressing that Sam and I almost fell asleep eating our mozzarella sticks.

I’m going back to bed now. Thank you for reading this.

That sucking sound you heard yesterday ...

… was NOT the Dallas Cowboys! They won a thriller of a game against the San Francisco 49ers — in overtime — after tying the score with a field goal during the final four seconds of the game. Then Cowboys wide receiver Jesse Holley ran an amazing 77-yard play that allowed them another kick to win 27 to 24. Quarterback Tony Romo even played with a BROKEN RIB. We got so excited we almost couldn’t finish our spaghetti and meatballs.

Now I have three important football-related questions, and I invite all Howdygramsters to answer by clicking the “comments” link at the end of this post or sending an email.

1. What the hell is a “nippleback.”
2. Why is there a “nose tackle” position when I thought everybody was supposed to wear a helmet.
3. How much do Gatorade squirters get paid.

For your possible interest here is a photo of Jesse Holley after his 77-yard run. He was either celebrating or praying for rain. (The prayer worked. See next paragraph.) I do not have a photo of Tony Romo’s rib.

Big weather news. At last, we got slammed with a huge severe thunderstorm that started last night around 8 p.m. According to the Dallas Morning News, Mesquite reported 2¼" of rain in one hour along with 70 m.p.h. straight-line winds. A lot of suburbs also received one-inch hail (I am perfectly happy to do without hail) and more than 50,000 homes in the Dallas area are still without power. Sam and I turned out the lights in the family room and watched the storm in the dark.

For those of you who need to know things like this, WE DID IT. We bought new furniture for our family room! On Saturday Sam and I spent a couple of hours at the La-Z-Boy Gallery near home and decided they really didn’t have what we wanted. Until we walked through the store we never realized that every sectional sofa they sell has built-in recliners, and at 6'5" Sam is way too tall for recliners. So yesterday we wound up at Haverty’s Furniture and ordered an oversized top grain leather armchair for Sam with a matching ottoman and a fabulous upholstered sectional.

Everything will be delivered in five to seven weeks. Samples from Haverty’s website are posing for you below. These are the actual colors that we bought.

I think I’ll go back to bed now. Sam probably didn’t even know I was gone.

Folding parties and stadium tours.

Here’s what you’ve all been waiting for! I finally found a photo of the Walking Taco, one of this year’s new featured foods at the Texas State Fair. Unfortunately, I have no idea why anybody would think this image is a smart marketing idea because IT LOOKS LIKE THE CONTENTS OF A BARF BAG.

Welcome to laundry day here at Howdygramland. I’ve just started Load Number Two, which consists of a mountain of white socks and kitchen towels. Load Number Three, for those of you who may be interested, will be loungewear, tee shirts, shorts and dark socks. If you’d like to come over for a Tuesday afternoon folding party please bring Cheetos, a seedless watermelon or a snack of your choice. Thank you.

Sam and I have been planning a fun Texas-themed agenda for his brother David’s visit next month. So far our activities will include a driving tour of Dallas, dinner at our favorite Texas steakhouse, a trip to the WinStar Casino in Oklahoma, a day at the Texas State Fair, several home-cooked meals and — last but not least — reserved tickets for an exceptionally cool VIP tour of Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, which includes running onto the field to get pictures of the world’s largest jumbotron, access to the players’ and cheerleaders’ locker rooms, private suites, media press boxes, the post-game interview room and the official Cowboys Stadium Pro Shop. The VIP tour is a huge hoo-hah and I know Sam and David will love it.

I just realized I forgot to eat lunch today. Maybe I’d better do this immediately so I don’t pass out. Thanks for stopping by.

Okay, so it wasn't a totally perfect weekend.

I’m not exactly sure where to start this post. At the beginning seems to make the most sense, so I’ll go with that for now.

Yesterday — Saturday — was our wedding anniversary. Since we were planning on a late lunch at Royal China (maybe around two-ish) Sam decided to spend the morning assembling the new wicker storage box we bought for our patio. Apparently his power of concentration wasn’t exactly up to snuff, because he put it together BACKWARDS and then wrenched his back and shoulder trying to pull the panels apart and start over. Sam looked generally miserable afterwards and required a doughnut, a hot shower and two Motrin to recover.

We were still excited about Royal China, however. We left the house at 2 p.m., the drive was pleasant and uneventful, and we even snagged the world’s best parking spot right outside the front door. Unfortunately, a handwritten note on the glass explained why — “SORRY, ROYAL CHINA IS CLOSED TODAY FOR LUNCH.” This is a restaurant that’s been open 12 hours a day, seven days a week, for 30 years — and the one stinking day we decide to go for lunch, THEY’RE CLOSED.

We sit on a bench to review our options. Sam suggests we shift gears and get Mexican. I tell him not on your life, sweetheart, IT HAS TO BE CHINESE.

So we drive another 40 minutes to a hard-core Chinatown neighborhood on Greenville Avenue in Richardson — an enormous Chinese strip mall with two dozen restaurants and martial arts academies guarded by a pair of 40-foot granite foo dogs. By now Sam is STARVING so we grab a parking spot and lunge into the first available door. Please note, this is NOT the most intelligent way to select a restaurant. The waitresses spoke no English whatsoever and the two most appealing entrees on the menu were Savory Pig Stomach and Edible Bullfrog with Walnuts.

Today was a little better. We went for a very nice drive, had very nice Mexican food at El Nogalito in Terrell and then watched the Dallas Cowboys screw up against the New York Jets. The best part of the game, which was played on the Jets’ home turf, was the 9/11 tribute at the beginning when a few billion New York City cops and firefighters unrolled the largest American flag on earth. I think it was even bigger than the Ford dealer’s across the street from Mesquite North High School, but I could be wrong.

And now, here are some exciting events planned for the week ahead. I have to drop off a prescription, reschedule the kidney sonogram I canceled last week and find an endodontist for Sam because he needs a root canal. Actually, if I try real hard I can probably finish everything by 10 a.m. Monday morning, giving me the rest of the week to write Howdygram posts, enjoy the new season of “People’s Court” and watch a bunch of terrific old movies.

Thanks for stopping by!

Hopelessly out of touch.

Sam and I love Texas. Mostly it’s full of swell people, photogenic livestock, huge freeways with almost zero traffic and you can dress up like Gene Autry any time you want and nobody would notice. My only complaint concerns the online version of Dallas’ only newspaper. Judge for yourself. On a day when the stock market had it worst crash since the financial disaster of 2008, Congress is in the toilet with a disapproval rating of 84%, we’re frying here with the worst heat wave and drought in decades, the TOP THREE STORIES on the Dallas Morning News website are:

“First Exclusive Photos from Cowboys Training Camp”
“Clown Hopefuls Audition at American Airlines Center”
“Proposed City Budget Beefs Up Staffing for Traffic Light Repairs”

They also included some inspiring and helpful photographs, which I’ll share with you below.

While I wait for Sam to get home from work I just ordered some office supplies from Staples.com because it’s too damn hot outside to go shopping. I also ordered dinner tonight from China City, and when I opened the front door it felt like sticking my head in the oven to baste a Thanksgiving turkey. Even worse, the delivery dude gave me a 15-minute shpiel about his allergies. Apparently he confused me with somebody who would actually give a crap about this.

In other news, the Howdygram would like to wish an extremely happy birthday to Lucille Ball, who would be 100 years old tomorrow if she hadn’t died in 1989. It may interest some of you to know that her hit TV sitcom “I Love Lucy” has been on the air continuously since the day I was born almost 60 years ago. Click here for a video clip of Lucy’s classic Vitameatavegamin routine and be sure to watch TCM tomorrow for 24 hours of Lucy’s movies. My favorites are Lured and The Long, Long Trailer.

Incidentally, the new season of “Top Chef Just Desserts” premiers August 24 on Bravo. Don’t miss this chance to watch a lot of competitive gay pastry chefs frost things for big money. This is truly fine television. Seriously.

Thank you for reading this.