Important Easter news and unexpected tacos.

In this post: Peeps, Jesus, commandments, surprise tacos.

I didn’t think I’d ever stay awake long enough today to write a Howdygram post, but guess what, people ... I was wrong and here I am! I’ve got a couple of Easter-related items of interest to share with you tonight. First up, here’s a video of a moron trying to eat 100 marshmallow Peeps in two minutes. Too bad nobody bothered to film his diabetic coma afterwards. Holy crap.

Let’s get Mike Tyson to beat the crap out of George Zimmerman.

In this post: Flour tortilla thingies, dickheads in the news.

A few minutes ago — completely by accident — I discovered a new product from Old El Paso on Wal-Mart’s website: STAND ’N STUFF FLOUR TORTILLA THINGIES. Technically these flexible taco boats aren’t exactly “new” (I just Googled an introductory General Mills press release from last summer) but they’re definitely new to yours truly because I haven’t set foot in a grocery store since 2010 and have no idea what’s on the shelves. I’m determined to order two boxes of Stand ’N Stuff Flour Tortilla Thingies IMMEDIATELY so Sam and I can begin making a dent in the gallon drum of taco-flavored textured vegetable protein we bought last week from Shelf Reliance. This crapola makes the BEST TACOS EVER and tastes exactly like Taco Bell filling except it’s actually good for you.

Cartons of joy delivered by UPS.

In this post: A taxing weekend, UPS delivers, diabetes sucks.

In case you haven’t looked at a calendar lately IT’S TAX SEASON AGAIN. I’m pleased to report that Sam and I have our proverbial ducks in a row earlier than usual this year and already received all of our W-2s, 1098s and 1099s. If all goes well — and we manage to stay awake long enough — I’m hoping we can get started this weekend with Turbo Tax. Oh boy, right?

Discover the convenience of amazingly tasty freeze-dried crapola from Shelf Reliance.

In this post: Convenience foods, a Putz of the Week.

Monday is escaping at breakneck speed around here! So far today I’ve accomplished all of the following: 1) made the bed; 2) ate mozzarella sticks with Sam; 3) enjoyed a three-hour nap; 4) ordered some amazingly tasty freeze-dried crapola (pictured below) from Shelf Reliance; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. As soon as I have some free time I’d also like to order a few frozen crustless (zero carb!) pizzas from my best friends at Lou Malnati’s in Chicago.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I need servants.

Life sure can suck sometimes. I woke up half an hour ago with congestion and an irritating, raspy cough ... something I haven’t experienced since I quit smoking a couple of centuries ago. (I might be kidding about this. It’s more like six years.) I’ll bet my voice is sounding deeper, too, but it’s hard to know for sure because Sam is still asleep and there’s nobody around to talk to so I’ll have to get back to you on this. In the meantime I shlepped into the kitchen to make tea but couldn’t find any tea bags, so I made a huge mug of instant coffee instead and then spilled half of it all over the kitchen counter.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I need SERVANTS.

Any exciting activities on your agenda this week? Mine will be jam-packed with projects that include laundry, making Beanit Butter cookies, printing and assembling my new teeny recipe binder, eating things, plus all of the following deliveries:

1. A two-pound breast of smoked turkey from FoodyDirect.com.
2. Teeny sheet protectors and teeny tabs from Staples.com for the aforementioned teeny recipe binder. (It’s 8½" x 5½".)
3. Cans of beef textured vegetable protein and whole egg powder from Shelf Reliance. I absolutely LOVE this crap!
4. A set of ivory microfiber sheets from Wal-Mart. Seriously, people, there’s nowhere else on earth you can buy nice king-size sheets for $22.97 except possibly Angola.
5. Slim Jims, Miracle Rice, six cartons of chicken stock, Fixodent and a couple of twin-pack refill thingies for my Febreze Noticeables electric air fresheners ... all on subscription from Amazon.

I just looked at Weather.com and apparently there’s some seriously crappy winter weather underway right now in Chicago and all over the Great Lakes, such as snow, wind and freezing rain. This is one more reason why I love Texas! Winter here lasts about 10 days at the beginning of January and rarely, if ever, includes snow. This week Howdygram headquarters is expecting steady temperatures around 70° with a 40% chance of rain on Tuesday and there’s nothing whatsoever to shovel unless we’re discussing manure.

Thanks for stopping by. I think I’ll try going back to bed for a while.

Biscuits & chicken goop deliver low-carb comfort food.

Here’s a new and speedy comfort food recipe of my own invention, featuring two of my favorite food groups: low-carb biscuits and goopy gravy!

To begin you have to make a batch of CarbQuik drop biscuits. This involves mixing ⅔ cup of water with 2 cups of CarbQuik until it forms a dough. (I use my bread machine for this. It takes about 90 seconds.) Divide the dough into six wads, drop onto an ungreased nonstick cookie sheet and flatten slightly. Bake for 13 minutes at 375°. Presto … YOUR BISCUITS HAVE ARRIVED!

While your biscuits are in the oven you can make the goop.

• 3 tablespoons butter or margarine
• ¼ cup rehydrated chopped onion
• ⅓ cup CarbQuik
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¼ teaspoon pepper
• 2 cups chicken broth
• ½ cup unflavored Almond Breeze almond milk
• 2 boneless skinless chicken breasts, cubed
• 2 cups rehydrated freeze-dried mixed vegetables

In a nice pot simmer the cubed chicken and broth until the chicken is cooked, maybe about 10 minutes. In another nice pot heat the butter and rehydrated onion. Stir in the CarbQuik, salt and pepper until well-blended. Gradually add the broth, chicken and milk and stir until thick. Add the veggies. Heap everything on top of three CarbQuik biscuits. Refuse to share if necessary.

A couple of final thoughts. First, if you don’t have freeze-dried mixed vegetables you can substitute any cooked mixed vegetables. I use freeze-dried because I’ve got a pantry full of this excellent crapola from Shelf Reliance. Second, enjoy the leftover biscuits for a bedtime snack shmeared with low-carb Jok ’n Al blueberry fruit spread from New Zealand. You can pretend you’re eating jelly doughnuts.

Nine out of 10 doctors agree that Mongolian chicken is the new morphine.

Yup. I did it again. I just changed the Howdygram’s banner graphic (again) for no valid reason whatsoever except that I like this one better. My basic philosophy is, it’s my blog and you can’t stop me. Thank you.

I am exceptionally tired right now. Sleepy, actually. I’ve had an unusually busy week with household projects — reorganizing the pantry and kitchen cabinets, filling canisters, labeling 30 spice jars, stuffing my pillow shams — all of which involved standing for prolonged periods of time, and this is not easy for me any more due to crappy arthritic knees, crappy lower back pain and crappy neuropathy in my feet. To alleviate my discomfort I ordered Mongolian chicken from China City and watched last night’s episode of “Top Chef.”

Nine out of 10 doctors agree that Mongolian chicken is the new morphine.

Great news, people. “Project Runway” is back! Season 11 premiers tonight on Lifetime and it’s recording on my DVR as I write this post. I hope the show’s producers were savvy enough to stock up on drama queens this year, because I get real satisfaction from watching silly egomaniacs making ugly clothes. Or maybe it’s the other way around. (I’ll bet nobody cares.) Four sample designers from a field of 16 appear below for your possible interest. The rest of them look pretty much the same except with different haircuts.

I ordered something new from Shelf Reliance last night, the website where I buy all my favorite freeze-dried whatnots. This time I’m trying their Whole Egg Powder because it should be comforting to always have enough eggs on hand for the CarbQuik casserole and dessert recipes I’ve been collecting. Plus everybody gives this stuff great reviews online.

The pantry-size can of Whole Egg Powder costs about $9 and contains the equivalent of 66 fresh eggs. That’s a swell deal, isn’t it? I also ordered a #10-size (gallon) can of Beef Textured Vegetable Protein because I can’t live without it. This is the best crap on the market, bar none. I throw handfuls of Beef TVP into damn near everything not including oatmeal and cheesecake. (Even Sam likes it.)

Ah, I almost forgot. Here are my latest new fonts, all downloaded at no charge from a variety of websites. Lately my favorite has been FontScore.com. They seem to have entire families of all the top-name fonts, and some of them would be worth a small fortune if you actually had to pay for them, God forbid.

Before Sam gets home from work tonight I want to take a quick shower, file my nails and eat peanut butter, not necessarily in that order. Thank you for reading this.

Holy crap! Two in a row!

This has been another incredible day at Howdygram headquarters ... two in a row! First, I had leftover spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner again tonight, and second, I received another order from Netrition this afternoon with a couple of products I’m trying for the very first time. They are: 1) a zero-carb meat loaf mix that you moosh into ground beef in lieu of bread crumbs; and 2) low-carb instant tapioca pudding. Tapioca pudding, people! TAPIOCA PUDDING! I’m so excited I could scream! Instead I’ll just post the following brilliant photos of famous people with teeny faces. (Yes, these were Photoshopped. No, I don’t know who did it.) I think Teeny Obama is my favorite.

And now, like it or not, it’s my plan to devote an entire paragraph of this post to the glories of FREEZE-DRIED GROUND BEEF, which is easily the most amazing invention ever with the possible exception of space travel, penicillin and corn pads. I buy the gallon-size can of Thrive freeze-dried ground beef from Shelf Reliance, as pictured below.

These are very nice big crumbles of fully-cooked REAL GROUND BEEF. You only rehydrate exactly as much as you need — as opposed to defrosting your beef by the pound — in about three minutes, after which you can fling it into sauce, soup, casseroles, tacos or birthday cake! (Just kidding about the birthday cake.) Please try this product. Thank you.

In case you missed this in the news, apparently the online version of China’s Communist Party newspaper reprinted a story yesterday from The Onion naming North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Un as the “Sexiest Man Alive” ... not realizing that it’s satire. On Tuesday The People’s Daily ran a 55-page photo spread on its website with the headline “North Korea’s top leader named The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.” Oy, those wacky Chinese. Won’t they ever learn?

Quoting The Onion’s spoof, the Chinese newspaper wrote: “With his devastatingly handsome round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heart-throb is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.” HOLY CRAP.

And now, just for fun, it’s time to fill up my pill sorter for the coming week and inject some insulin. I should mention here that I take Atorvastatin, the Lipitor generic manufactured by Ranbaxy Pharmaceuticals that’s being recalled for containing SPECKS OF GLASS. I was further disturbed that the FDA is not instructing patients to return the drug or stop taking it, so I called Wal-Mart when I first read about this and the pharmacist insisted the contaminated pills didn’t affect Wal-Mart stores. Yeah, right.

The Powerball lottery jackpot tonight is half a billion dollars. Half a billion! When you buy your ticket shout “Howdygram!” for good luck, and if you win please send me half. Thank you for reading this.

Happy Chevy Truck Month to you and yours.

It’s sunny and 75° here at Howdygram headquarters, and I’m pleased to report that Texas is possibly one of the few states that’s not getting any stupid weather from Hurricane Sandy. If you’re anywhere on the east coast of the United States today, WEAR NOSE PLUGS!

I enjoyed a restful day of slugdom yesterday with Sam that included sleeping until 10:45 a.m., homemade tacos featuring Shelf Reliance TVP imitation taco meat, a nap, watching game four of the World Series and a number of entertaining movies, including: 1) Advise and Consent (1962) starring Henry Fonda, Franchot Tone, Charles Laughton and Walter Pidgeon; 2) All the President’s Men (1976) starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford; 3) Seven Days in May (1964) starring Burt Lancaster, Kirk Douglas and Fredric March; and 4) and 20 Million Miles to Earth (1957) starring a bunch of bad actors playing Italians with crappy accents. There was, however, a decent monster created by legendary special effects guru Ray Harryhausen. Ray and the aforementioned decent monster appear above right; a spellbinding action sequence from 20 Million Miles to Earth appears below, depicting U.S. soldiers in Rome (don’t ask) trying to subdue a 40-foot creature from outer space with cap pistols and walkie talkies.

The other three films mentioned above are all outstanding political thrillers based on bestselling books. Advise and Consent concerns a fictitious and terminally ill president played by Franchot Tone attempting to get the Senate to approve his pick for Secretary of State, who’s a really nice ex-Commie played by Henry Fonda. All the President’s Men is the true story of two Washington Post reporters who uncovered a trail of corruption that led to the eventual resignation of President Richard Nixon. Saving the best (in my view) for last, Seven Days in May tells the story of a plot by scary U.S. military leaders, led by Burt Lancaster, to overthrow the U.S. government. Kirk Douglas is the good guy who blows the whistle. Apparently the original bestseller from 1962 was based on the actual right-wing political activities of General Edwin A. Walker after he resigned from the military in 1959. Holy crap.

An apology. I realized last night during the World Series that October was Chevy Truck Month. I neglected to mail appropriate holiday cards this year but promise to remember in 2013. Thank you.

One last thought before I shlep into the family room for lemonade and an afternoon nap. I ordered the following plastic organizers last night from Amazon to help me keep track of my crapola. Two are for the pantry; two are for the fridge. All four were cheap. And as everybody knows, cheap is good.

If you feel like coming over later I could use a gallon of milk. Thank you.

A bowl full of heaven for unsuspecting family and friends.

And now, for your culinary pleasure, I’m pleased to present one of my all-time favorite concoctions — Marcy’s Pink and Fluffy Puffy Crap — a healthy mock dessert that’s loaded with a variety of strange and tasty stuff. If you’re feeling adventurous, here are the ingredients:

• 2 cups plain yogurt (not drained)
• 1 cup light or nonfat sour cream
• ½ cup All Bran cereal
• 1 cup Shelf Reliance freeze-dried raspberries
• 15 to 20 packages of Equal 

Smoosh everything together in a nice bowl, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours until the raspberries and All Bran puff up. The result is a small mountain of fluffy pink mousse that could count as a whole meal.

If you don’t feel like investing in a can of Thrive freeze-dried raspberries you can also make this dessert with defrosted frozen fruit, such as pineapple, sliced strawberries or mango. Feel free to throw in any liquid you get from the defrosting process.

Thank you for reading this.

Another middle-of-the-night tryst with the Howdygram.

From our popular Everybody Kiss the Cook department, a quick comment about THE JOYS OF TOMATO POWDER, which I used yesterday for the very first time. If you’ve never tried this stuff you should give it a shot! One rounded teaspoon of tomato powder smooshed up with one or two tablespoons of water produces EXCELLENT TOMATO PASTE in a small quantity that you can add to recipes without wasting half a can. That’s exactly what I did when I made Marcy’s Revolutionary Bean Soup for dinner last night instead of adding the ketchup. You can also reconstitute tomato powder into ordinary tomato sauce — ¼ cup powder to 2¼ cups of water — or just sprinkle a little into all kinds of recipes for color and flavor. If you’re adventurous and/or desperate, make yourself some really speedy cream of tomato soup using the recipe demonstrated below by an amateur chef with waaay too much time on his hands (and a visibly dirty microwave) ...

I’m intrigued enough to try the cream of tomato soup thing later today. I always add Equal to my tomato soup so it reminds me of Campbell’s, which I can’t eat any more because it’s loaded with high fructose corn syrup and I have diabetes. FYI, you can buy tomato powder from MySpiceSage.com and Shelf Reliance.

I should try going back to bed for a while so Sam won’t get scared if I’m not there, although this actually never happens. Thank you for reading this.

It’s matzo ball time in Texas.

Before I commence making matzo balls for Sam I want to mark an extremely special and happy occasion, one that I’ve been looking forward to for the last couple of months.

Holy crap, people ... this is our ONE THOUSANDTH POST since the Howdygram’s inception in December 2009! That’s an average of 29½ posts per month for your entertainment and enlightenment on a wide range of topics that include food, travel, pop culture, politics, consumer alerts, news from Texas, current events, weather reports, Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland, online shopping tips, recipes, gossip, TV and movie reviews, Einstein Awards and advance notice of upcoming Gefilte Fish Festivals. Seriously, where else can you find so much quality and variety ... for free?

I should also mention that my birthday is ONE MONTH FROM TOMORROW, so in case you’re working on a shopping list I want the following cans of freeze-dried crap from Shelf Reliance. Pictured below are: 1) sour cream powder; 2) butter powder; 3) diced carrots; 4) cut green beans; 5) mangos; and 6) chopped onions. This stuff is so convenient and tasty it almost makes my head explode.

It’s matzo ball time in Texas. Thank you for reading this!

Maybe somebody could invent freeze-dried matzo balls.

It’s a few minutes after 9 in the morning and I’m sending Sam to the grocery store today because once in a while we need things that I can’t buy online, like baby carrots, sour cream, American cheese, olive oil and ice cream cones. We like to eat well. Therefore, it’s my plan to make Marcy’s Revolutionary Bean Soup this afternoon and regular non-revolutionary matzo ball soup on Saturday.

In case you’re wondering what’s “revolutionary” about my bean soup, I’ll be experimenting with those INSTANT FREEZE-DRIED PINTO BEANS that I ordered last week from Shelf Reliance, which are supposed to rehydrate and cook in only 20 minutes. If the results are edible I’ll post my recipe in the Howdygram later today. In the meantime maybe somebody could invent freeze-dried matzo balls.

Thank you for reading this.

Creepy dreams, hot feet and another Einstein making headlines.

It’s almost 7:30 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4:15. I’m not sure why, but it might have something to do with a creepy dream (okay, a nightmare) and hot feet. Lucky for you, horsing around with the Howdygram is my favorite way to kill time. I’ve definitely got plenty of it.

Before I plunge into hot news from the world of fine art, does anybody besides me remember the movie Bean (1997) with Rowan Atkinson? He plays a halfwit employee of a London gallery who travels to the U.S. to deliver a valuable painting to a prestigious Los Angeles art museum. He tries to clean it — with TURPENTINE — before the unveiling ceremony and ends up redrawing “Whistler’s Mother,” as shown below.

And now for the aforementioned hot news. Because truth can be stranger than fiction — or at least just as stupid — this week an old woman at a church in northeastern Spain decided to take a stab at art restoration. Without anybody’s permission Grandma Einstein “touched up” a 19th-century Spanish fresco by Elias Garcia Martinez and replaced it with the following hairy monstrosity. HOLY CRAP. (Literally.)

I forgot to mention that Sam and I watched an exceptionally adorable movie a couple of days ago ... Puss in Boots (2011) with Antonio Banderas voicing the title role and Salma Hayek as Kitty Softpaws, a sexy declawed cat who runs around in a Batgirl outfit. There’s also a Humpty Dumpty character with a dark and snarky personality, shown below disguised as a golden egg.

This movie was so damn much fun I wouldn’t mind seeing it again, and RIGHT NOW might be a good idea since going back to bed doesn’t appear to be an option any time soon. I might even whip up a tall Marcytini to keep me company but I’ll have to drink quietly so I won’t disturb Sam.

From our This Is Why I Can’t Sleep department, it seems that McDonald’s and In-N-Out have canceled their contracts with a California raw beef supplier after the FDA shut its plant for severe and frightening health and processing violations. NOW YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE FAKE MEAT! (Nobody ever recalls a can of textured vegetable protein.)

Pictured above are some of my favorites: Loma Linda Swiss Stake and Fried Chik’n (available from Amazon.com), Thrive TVP from Shelf Reliance that tastes like Taco Bell meat and cheap cans of faux duck gluten from Asian Food Grocer.

Thank you for reading this.

Crapola deliveries and sauteed armadillos.

Hello from Texas, y’all. It’s 103° here this afternoon, and that’s certifiably hot enough to fry an armadillo on the sidewalk ... although most of us prefer them lightly sautéed with a side of cole slaw. (If you’re on a diet you can use Pam instead of butter.)

Just in case you’re interested I thought I’d provide a brief rundown of the deliveries I’m expecting tomorrow via UPS! This will include all of the following, in no particular order of importance: 1) two cans of Bisto chicken gravy granules; 2) six bags of Bear Creek Hot & Sour Soup Mix; 3) a couple of styrofoam wig heads; and 4) 11 boxes of Streit’s Potato Pancake Mix from — of all places — Soap.com. Items 1 through 3 are from Amazon.

Next week I’ll receive an order I placed this morning with Shelf Reliance for another supply of fantastic freeze-dried crapola.

Pictured above are Thrive Freeze-Dried Mushroom Pieces and Taco Textured Vegetable Protein (TVP). Sam and I love this stuff. Our favorite is the Taco TVP (this time I ordered two gigantic cans) because it cooks in two minutes (boil water, add product) and tastes exactly like the taco filling you’d get at a fast food place ... except this stuff is actually HEALTHY with almost no fat and lots of fiber and protein. Plus it’s also cheap. Their big #10 can (47 servings) is only $15.

The Freeze-Dried Mushroom Pieces are pretty damn wonderful, too. Just soak them in cold water for about two minutes and you end up with adorable mushroom slices to use for damn near anything except maybe lemon meringue pie.

Breaking news from the Hollywood scandal sheets! Apparently the “Octomom” (Nadya Suleman) is making headlines again. Since posing topless, starring in a porn film and stripping at gentlemen’s club in Florida this year didn’t bring in enough cash to support her 14 offspring, cash-strapped Octomom is turning to her fans — holy crap, she has fans? — for financial aid. She recently set up a website asking for donations to raise $150,000 because her house is in foreclosure and she’ll have to vacate with her three-ring circus in tow by mid-August. Judging from the condition of the property (there was an exposé a couple of months ago) they’ll probably have to burn it to the ground when she leaves. Photos posted online showed holes punched in walls, a broken bathroom barricaded by chairs, children pooping in little potties on the patio, graffiti on the walls and shredded carpet. I’ll bet the neighborhood is hosting a block party the day after she moves out.

Thank you, as always, for reading this.

Gigantic freeze-dried omelets and an unexpected Saturday morning splurge.

Oy, I keep forgetting to tell you this. See if you can guess what’s the highest-rated entree produced by the Howdygram test kitchens, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with gefilte fish. Drum roll ...

It’s MARCY’S FREEZE-DRIED “EVERYTHING” OMELET! A few days ago I made a gigantic omelet for Sam and me that included six real eggs and two slices of real pepper jack cheese plus all those amazing freeze-dried ingredients I’ve been stockpiling from Shelf Reliance, including chopped bell pepper, onions, sliced mushrooms and sausage TVP (textured vegetable protein). It only takes two or three minutes to rehydrate all this heavenly crap and you’d never taste the difference in a million years. Shelf Reliance also sells freeze-dried scrambled eggs and freeze-dried cheese but I think I’ll skip the science fiction dairy products for now.

As long as I’m horsing around with the Howdygram please allow me to share this morning’s unexpected purchases on Amazon. I say “unexpected” because Sam casually muttered something a few minutes ago about do I think we need a GPS for our road trip and before he finished the sentence I’d already placed the order.

Pictured above are our new Garmin 5-inch Portable GPS Navigator plus a handy little zipper carrying case and a cool friction mount doohickey for the dashboard. Amazon’s prices, as always, were terrific. And God bless free shipping.

I also ordered another box of insulin pen needles because sometimes a girl needs to splurge a little. Believe it or not, I actually remember when splurging meant shoes or an expensive lipstick. These must be my golden years. Oy.

It was nice of you to stop by this morning. Seriously.

Here’s something frightening. I ordered myself a bathing suit today.

I’ll begin this post with breaking news from our Fifteen Minutes of Fame department. Former “child star” actor and reformed drug addict Todd Bridges and his wife have filed for divorce after 14 years of marriage. Just between us, it’s almost impossible to give a crap about this.

In other news, I placed an order today for more Taco TVP (textured vegetable protein) from Shelf Reliance. This stuff is AMAZING AS HELL. It’s really inexpensive, rehydrates in THREE MINUTES and actually tastes like — and is almost as slimy as — the beef filling from Taco Bell! It’s fabulous wrapped in a low-carb flour tortilla with hot sauce and a fistful of shredded cheese. Sam loves it, too, except he prefers normal tortillas. I ordered two four-pound drums to make sure we don’t run out for the rest of our natural lives.

Here’s something frightening. In anticipation of our big road trip next month I ordered myself a BATHING SUIT, pictured below for your possible interest.

It was only $20.99 on sale for 30% off plus an extra 40% discount with a promotion code. I really don’t mind horsing around in a hotel pool when I’m vacationing in another state, the bathing suit is dirt cheap and nobody knows who the hell I am. And not wanting Sam to feel neglected, I ordered him a pair of black trunks so he won’t be tempted just to sit on a deck chair and laugh his ass off.

I just decided to celebrate TVP, new swimwear and Todd Bridges’ lousy marriage by ordering dinner from China City. Thank you for reading this.

Meet “Professor Catfish.”

It’s your lucky day because I’ve got another Holy Crap Gallery for you, this time featuring the original James Bond heart-throbs from decades past ... Sean Connery and Roger Moore. Personally, I think Connery still looks great; Moore not so much, but he’s 85 and cross-eyed so I’ll cut him some slack.

Have you ever Googled an extremely meaningless person from your past that you haven’t really thought about for a bunch of decades? I did, a couple of hours ago. I Googled my former boss from the Southern Gas Association ... back when I lived in Dallas in 1987 with my first husband. This is what I found online (see below) with the caption “Meet Professor Catfish.” He currently lives in the vicinity of Wichita, Kansas, and apparently has a whole new career. I’m thinking he should also consider a guest spot on “Hee Haw.”

Breaking news. I’ve discovered two more FANTASTIC FOOD WEBSITES that I’d like to share with you! The first is Asian Food Grocer, based in San Francisco, where you can buy just about anything you’d find in an Asian supermarket with the possible exception of live eels or an octopus. The products I ordered today are pictured below, clockwise from top left: 1) shirataki — zero calories and zero carbs! — noodle dumplings; 2) two bags of dried shiitake mushrooms; 3) three containers of shirataki noodles in sesame ginger sauce; 4) firm tofu; and 5) ready-to-eat shirataki “lunch boxes” in a couple of potentially awesome flavors (wasabi and Szechwan).

Asian Food Grocer even offers cheap flat-rate shipping when you spend $25, which provides an excellent opportunity to load up on a ton of amazing crapola because nearly everything they sell costs less than $1.50. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

My other new discovery is the National Mustard Museum, an adorable website from Wisconsin that sells every kind of mustard on the planet and possibly even a few from Mars. I haven’t ordered anything yet, however, because I’m currently assessing my overall mustard requirements. (Translation: I don’t need any.)

And finally, I ordered two more freeze-dried textured vegetable protein whatnots today from Shelf Reliance: 1) crumbled breakfast sausage TVP; and 2) taco-seasoned beef TVP that apparently tastes like Taco Bell meat. Since I’ve always got high-fiber low-carb flour tortillas in the house I figure I can make myself some cheap and healthy faux Mexican food with the TVP and a teeny wad of shredded cheese.

Now that I’m officially STARVING I think it’s time to migrate into the kitchen and figure out what’s for dinner. Thanks for stopping by.

My love affair with beef textured vegetable protein.

A series of obnoxious political robo calls ruined a perfectly wonderful Saturday afternoon nap for me today FOUR TIMES IN LESS THAN AN HOUR. And all this hoo-hah is for the Mesquite City Council, no less. Two robo calls warned me that candidate Brian Hutcheson is accused of accepting an illegal campaign contribution from the Dallas Apartment Association — they must be confusing me with somebody who cares about this — and two more were from Brian himself, who clearly sounded hysterical trying to convince me that his opponent is a liar. Apparently I’m not the only Mesquite citizen who doesn’t give a crap, however, because I drove past our polling place this afternoon and there were 26,715 signs lining the sidewalk and ZERO CARS IN THE LOT. Brian Hutcheson is the dude standing on the left in the picture below. I’m sorry nobody’s wearing a cowboy hat.

From our Relatives-on-the-Go department, I’m pleased to report that Sam arrived safely in southern California today for a seven-day visit. I drove him to the Dallas/Fort Worth airport this morning and sent him on his way from Terminal D. For your possible interest here is a representative image of his American Airlines flight landing at LAX. The plane is exceptionally shiny.

And now I’d like to share the latest entry in our Holy Crap Gallery in case you frequently lose sleep wondering whatever happened to the original cast of “The Love Boat,” which sailed on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Personally, I would never recognize Ted Lange or Lauren Tewes in a million years but Gavin McLeod is amazing at 81 and Bernie Kopell still looks like Bernie, except pruny.

Tonight’s first Sam-less evening meal at Howdygram headquarters will be homemade mushroom barley soup, which I haven’t actually started yet because I’m still writing this post. I plan to use the freeze-dried mushrooms and chicken TVP (textured vegetable protein) I ordered not long ago from Shelf Reliance. These products are awesome and I love having them in the pantry. Beef TVP is my favorite, though. It’s perfect in soup or chili, tastes wonderful, rehydrates in less than five minutes and has the texture of finely-shredded brisket or pot roast. You can order it here. (I buy the #10 can. It lasts a long time.)

I’ll probably be writing lots of posts in Sam’s absence since I have nothing else to do this week except eat, check my blood sugar, bring in the mail and watch movies. Live and be well, okay?

Loma Linda Big Franks are a soy-based hotdog substitute for people who sincerely enjoy crap like this.

Glorioski! My Big Franks will be here today! I can’t wait to get them even though I have no idea what these screwy mockdogs actually taste like. A reviewer named Lauren on Amazon.com writes the following:

I nearly had a happygasm when I found Loma Linda products on Amazon! Big Franks are wonderful cut up, fried, and added to omelets or diced with potatoes or macaroni. They’re also good ground up with onions and salt or shred them, mix with mayo and have a tuna salad substitute. You can also just eat them like hot dogs even though they don’t really taste like hotdogs.

Lauren totally lost me with those whacked-out recipes because I’ll probably just eat mine straight out of the can or dunk them in mustard. I bought a case of 12 cans. That’s a hell of a lot of mockdogs.

In case you missed my post from a couple of days ago, Loma Linda Big Franks are a soy-based vegetarian hotdog substitute for people — like me — who sincerely enjoy crap like this. Amazon sells the entire line of Loma Linda’s fake meat in cans, including fake “fried chik’n,” fake “Swiss stakes,” fake “skallops,” fake “choplets” and so on.

Other deliveries expected today include a crate of sugar-free flavored syrups from DaVinci Gourmet and possibly my recent orders from SoupsOnline and Shelf Reliance. (It’s hard to tell because they don’t send you any useful tracking information.) My new wheelchair accessories will be definitely be here tomorrow.

For your possible interest, this is Joel McCrea month on TCM ... an event you shouldn’t miss because he’s one of my all-time favorite actors, right up there at the top with William Holden. TCM is showing Joel McCrea’s films every Wednesday in May starting with three of his best comedies tomorrow night (times shown are Central).

• Sullivan’s Travels (1941) at 7 p.m. with Veronica Lake.
• The Palm Beach Story (1942) at 8:45 p.m. with Claudette Colbert and Mary Astor. (We LOVE Mary Astor.)
• The More the Merrier (1943) at 10:30 p.m. with Jean Arthur and Charles Coburn.

These are followed by some of McCrea’s comedies from the 1930s, including The Richest Girl in the World, Woman Chases Man, Bed of Roses and Kept Husbands. I honestly can’t remember if I’ve seen all of these or not so I programmed my DVR to record EVERYTHING.

I think I’m finally ready for lunch, so thanks for stopping by and say hi to the family for me, okay?