Today’s forecast: a disinterested thunderstorm at 7 a.m.

In this post: No weather in Texas, snow in Newfoundland, kvetch report.

I was excited to post the following severe crapola map indicating some actual weather for north Texas, but unfortunately I just found out that the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com were just kidding and we’re not really expecting any weather today at all except for a possible disinterested thunderstorm at 7 a.m. Holy crap, people, that’s not enough water to rinse the lint off your driveway! The teeny green star denotes Howdygram headquarters.

What’s everybody eating tonight?

In this post: Winter storm, Republican weatherpeople, hating Oscars.

We’ve had a diaperload of shitty weather in the Dallas metro area today. I’ll begin with a reminder that it was 80° here yesterday, okay? Overnight the temperature fell more than 50° to BELOW FREEZING, and so far today we’ve had torrential rain, thunder and two hours of nothing followed by additional thunder, a hailstorm, a barrage of ice pellets and light snow. It’s 8:15 p.m. as I write this paragraph, and outside it’s 18° with a stiff breeze from the north gusting to 22 m.p.h., which makes the wind chill a stinking 5°. For Texas, people, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE. And we’re still under a winter storm warning because the roads are a wreck and Texans don’t know how to drive.* Yes, I’m whining. DEAL WITH IT.

You can listen to CDs, not wear a brassiere and eat TicTacs at the same time!

In this post: Hypoglycemia, Election Day, fashion disasters.

You probably haven’t noticed but I look lousy right now. I’ve had a couple of major hypoglycemic episodes today and I’m so damn tired I could probably sleep for a decade. It’s a tempting thought. (I might have to tweeze my eyebrows first.)

As much as I love Sam’s voice, his face is even better.

In this post: No weather, a new low, a nice chair, Dead Famous People.

Hi, everybody. For your possible interest here’s a bunch of newsy Wednesday afternoon crapola from Howdygram headquarters.

THE WEATHER. Dallas’ terrifying two-day “ice event” never materialized — another stellar forecast from the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com — but this actually was a swell development because the roads were clear this morning and Sam’s flight to California left on time today at noon. If you care, the temperature here is 50° with bright sunshine and we’re expecting a high of 75° by Monday. IT’S SPRING! IT’S SPRING! IT’S SPRING!

I wish Sam could just stay home for a few days and eat grilled cheese with me.

In this post: Ice and gridlock.

Our weather couldn’t rank any higher today on the Winter Shittiness Scale. Right now Weather.com tell us it’s 31° here in the Dallas area with FROZEN FOG, LIGHT SLEET and FREEZING DRIZZLE. Nobody can explain how they’re different but it probably doesn’t matter since they all suck. If you’re interested, the only reason I’m addressing the subject of weather is because Sam is flying to California on Wednesday and we’re expecting an ongoing “ice event” here that may affect his outbound flight. And if that’s not crappy enough, A MAJOR FREEWAY SHUTDOWN in Los Angeles — already nicknamed “jamzilla” by the press — will impact traffic around LAX all weekend.

Maybe I’ve turned into a jaded old lady.

In this post: Hot weather, 2014 Olympics.

Hi, everybody. It’s 7 o’clock Saturday morning, Sam is still in bed and the temperature outside is a balmy 35°. I use the term “balmy” because it’s finally ABOVE FREEZING, which means Thursday’s miniature snowpocalypse will melt into oblivion and we can run into the streets to welcome spring, which arrives with a thud sometime this afternoon. Today’s forecast high is 53°. Holy crap, right? HOT WEATHER!

Winter stinks, it isn’t pretty and we’re freezing to death.

In this post: Ice, 2014 Olympics. 

In my Olympics coverage earlier today I neglected to include my comments about the Canadian figure skating pair, Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford, who finished in second place and were absolutely outstanding, graceful like a couple of gazelles and far better-looking than the snotnosed Russians who were dressed for Halloween and finished in first. Unfortunately, when I wrote my last post I had a hard time nailing down any information about the Canadians because NBC’s stupid remodeled website is so damn lame I couldn’t find Olympics news, competition results or photos … and NBC is broadcasting the Games! So here they are at last — Duhamel and Radford — another team whose height difference is almost as comical as the Americans Castelli and Shnapir, except the Canadians are much better skaters. I wish to hell the judges would call me once in a while. I HAVE A LOT OF IMPORTANT OPINIONS.

Dallas has no road salt, one sack of meaningless sand and three snowplows.

In this post: Canadian Mounties, frozen freeways, Costco deals, map pins.

I’ve got big news today, classic TV fans. The “Sergeant Preston of the Yukon” DVDs I ordered from Amazon finally arrived! IN A REAL COLLECTOR’S TIN! Holy crap, this thing is SO DAMN COOL. There are two boxed DVDs inside with five half-hour episodes on each. I thought I’d post a photo in the Howdygram but the flash was creating too much glare because the collector’s tin is actually made of GENUINE METAL — you know, as in very shiny — so I’ll just include a regular picture of Sergeant Preston instead. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about here, “Sergeant Preston of the Yukon” was a half-hour TV series that ran from 1955 to 1958. Was he adorable, or what? Thank you.

The blue crap is snow!

In this post: Snowflakes, jury duty.

I think it’s snowing outside. I’d know for sure if I got off my ass and actually looked out the window, except I’m too comfortable at the moment to get up so I’ll just have to use the following screen shot from Weather.com to make my point. See? THE BLUE CRAP IS SNOW! For the record, we’re expecting less than one inch. (I’m guessing flurries.) The teeny red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the senior citizen in a red bathrobe enjoying an early-morning Marcytini.

The only thing that might make today tolerable is a large quantity of braunschweiger.

In this post: No sleep, no holes, no nothing.

It’s damp and gray in north Texas this morning, and I want everybody to know that I’m crabby, hungry, achy, aggravated, really cold and tired as hell. It’s not easy to be all those things concurrently but I’ve always been an over-achiever. The reason for today’s distress? A SERIOUS LACK OF SLEEP (read my previous post). After hanging out at my desk half the night horsing around with the Howdygram and watching screwy videos, at 5 a.m. I finally conked out on the chaise in the family room and slept until 8:30. I look as lousy as I feel, my feet hurt and my blood sugar is too damn high.

Entertaining alternatives for Super Bowl Sunday.

In this post: No weather, Super Bowl alternatives.

You may be amused to learn that the HORRIBLE SUNDAY ICEPOCALYPSE forecast for Dallas by the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com didn’t materialize today after all. Sure, the temperature dropped, but the ice and sleet are nowhere near us and we really didn’t get any measurable rain, either. As usual, just a great big pile of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. (Thanks, Obama.)

Psychotic weather is headed for north Texas.

In this post: A weekend couch picnic.

So here’s what’s on the schedule today at Howdygram headquarters: 1) Sam is going to Costco; and 2) I can’t think of anything else, mostly because it’s 6 in the morning and who cares. Just in case you’re interested, though, on Sam’s shopping list today are Brownie Brittle, breakfast burritos, teeny chipotle chicken tacos, sushi, blueberry muffins, really big frozen cooked tail-off shrimp and fresh blackberries. We’re planning a weekend-long couch picnic that may or may not include the Super Bowl since we actually don’t give a crap who wins. (To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I even know who’s playing.)

American cheese, taco shells, insulin syringes and hot sauce.

In this post: A Wal-Mart emergency, Gohmert’s pile.

Texas is awfully damn cold this morning. Here at Howdygram headquarters it’s 18° and I made Sam wear his down parka before he went to Wal-Mart a few minutes ago. He’s making an emergency run for American cheese, taco shells, insulin syringes, hot sauce and a prescription refill for yours truly.

It’s okay to get bubonic plague in January.

In this post: White lies, nap movies.

You know what’s really fun? When you wake up in the morning and cancel anything and everything that requires going outside BECAUSE IT’S TOO DAMN COLD. This actually happened today with my 10 a.m. podiatrist appointment. It was only 22° so I announced to Sam NO WAY IN HELL AM I LEAVING THE HOUSE FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER — least of all to get my toenails cut — so I called Dr. A’s office when they opened at 8 and told them I had bubonic plague. I wouldn’t be surprised if all his patients called up with bubonic plague this morning. Half an hour later I had two leftover egg rolls for breakfast and took a nap.

Texas is the only state where you can wear mittens with flip-flops.

In this post: A runny nose, a Macintosh milestone, winter weather.

It’s almost 6 a.m. and I woke up about 40 minutes ago sneezing. SNEEZING! And if that’s not crappy enough, my eyes are drippy, I’m freezing cold, my knees hurt, I’m thirsty as hell and I’ve got a craving for tuna salad on rye toast with teeny pickles. Life is certainly a puzzle, isn’t it?

Please feel free to share your winter horror stories. I promise not to laugh.

In this post: Meatloaf report, polar freeze.

Breaking news from Howdygram headquarters! I changed my mind at the last minute, and in a fit of hysterical creativity I decided to skip Hormel canned tamales for dinner tonight and made myself a very large meatloaf instead using my favorite low-carb meatloaf mix from Dixie Diner and two pounds of ground beef. Also a couple of jumbo eggs, a squirt of Worcestershire sauce and a package of Lipton dry onion soup mix. I’m so excited I almost can’t stand it. Everything is in the oven. ONLY 52 MINUTES TO GO!

Today’s holiday treat: 45 minutes of “Gladys Knight Sings Shitty Christmas Songs” on a continuous loop.

In this post: Holiday weather, many happy returns, menu options.

In case you’re planning a holiday visit to the Dallas area to eat barbecue, drink beer and pet the cattle, I’m pleased to offer the following EXCELLENT WEATHER FORECAST through December 28. It would have been nice also to include December 29, 30 and 31 but my screen shot tool didn’t reach that far. I know you’ll forgive me. Carry on, people.

Cottonelle Clean Care with Very Stupid Ripples is ruining my life.

In this post: Water from the sky, bad toilet paper.

It’s a dark and crappy Saturday morning due to substantial very cold rain all around the Dallas metro area. For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Hong Kong Royal in Carrollton where we can’t go for dim sum today because it’s too far, too cold and too wet; and C) the location of our favorite Costco in Rockwall. (We’re not doing Costco today, either.) I, for one, plan to stay indoors with Sam, The Bishop’s Wife and a can of Hormel tamales.

I’ll risk damn near anything if unlimited egg rolls are involved.

In this post: Dense fog, giant pies. 

Here’s some breaking news on Saturday afternoon from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! We’ve just decided NOT to drive all over town looking at Christmas lights tonight because it’s too cold and damp outside and also because Sam wants to spend some quality time with the gigantic apple pie he bought this afternoon at Tom Thumb. So I won’t feel left out I purchased the following essentials today from a variety of my favorite Internet retailers. I ordered 100 insulin pen needles from Wayfair.com, a foamy soap dispenser thing from Amazon and McCormick Brown Gravy on eBay.

UPS drivers are a bunch of whiny little girls.

In this post: Constipated deliveries.

So here’s the thing. Apparently UPS’s distribution facilities in the Dallas/Fort Worth area remain seriously constipated due to last week’s ice storm. Package deliveries, including two of mine, are backed up all over the damn place, so UPS has reassigned 2,000 extra employees — let’s think of them as human suppositories — from across the U.S. to get things moving again. Stuck somewhere in the backlog are my glass stacking canisters from Anchor Hocking and Sam’s new underpants from Amazon. Both deliveries should have been here on Tuesday. In a word, I’m REALLY CRUSHED. (Okay, two words.)