Waiting for Jerry.

I’m not sure what compelled me to do this, but while Sam was on jury duty yesterday morning I ordered FIVE Jerry Lewis DVDs — The Ladies Man, Visit to a Small Planet, Funny Bones, The Stooge and four hours of Martin and Lewis routines from TV’s “Colgate Comedy Hour” in the 1950s. The DVD covers appear below.

This is so exciting I can’t stand it — especially the fact that I dug up Visit to a Small Planet because I haven’t seen it since 1961 and it’s considered a “rare title.” I found it on The Movie Bin and bought the rest from Amazon.com.

Incidentally, the average cost of these movies was about $3.50 and one was only 33¢, which means EVERYBODY ON EARTH can afford to own an impressive Jerry Lewis DVD library. Keep this in mind as we get closer to Hanukkah. Just imagine the expression on your relatives’ faces!

Time to make lunch for Sam. Come on over and join us if you’re hungry — it’ll be “forks up” at 11:30. Thank you for reading this.

Hot topics for Tuesday.

Sneaky fees. For the most part I don’t whine unless I have to, and today I have to. I’m battling my merchant account provider for deducting $166.69 from my checking account this past weekend without telling me WHY. These yahoos process credit card transactions for my home-based graphic design business and already keep a percentage of every sale, so it makes me CRAZY when I catch their hands in the cookie jar. I know they were hoping I wouldn’t notice, but I did. Sam says I’m a genius, and I believe him.

Wildfires. Apparently a large percentage of Texas is on fire (see map below) as I write this post. Apparently some of these blazes are so huge they’re visible from satellites in space, and the Bastrop fire near Austin has consumed more than 1,000 homes.

Looks like we’re getting ready for the world’s largest barbecue. Instead of firefighters and water, Governor Rick Perry has asked FEMA for an emergency airlift of T-bones and napkins.

Rick Perry, presidential candidate. Thought you might enjoy these two YouTube video clips of Bill Maher discussing Texas’ nutjob governor and his presidential aspirations.

I hope Howdygram readers will NOT be fooled by Governor Perry. Basically he’s just a dumber version of George Bush and a scarier version of Sarah Palin. Oy.

Jerry Lewis Appreciation Day. Yesterday I had a chance to watch The Patsy for the first time, a 1964 Jerry Lewis movie with some of the funniest routines I’ve ever seen. Jerry plays a nobody being groomed for stardom by a group of greedy and ambitious agents. I laughed so hard I nearly passed out from lack of oxygen and had to pause the recording twice until I started breathing again. My four favorite scenes: 1) the singing lesson; 2) at the barber shop; 3) the recording session with the backup singers (see photo below); and 4) lip-synching “I Lost My Heart in a Drive-In Movie.”

Before I went to bed last night I ordered the DVD (used) from Amazon.com for three bucks. YOU HAVE TO BUY THIS MOVIE. Seriously.

I know I say this a lot, but thank you for reading this.

So here's what's happening today.

First of all, happy Labor Day. You have my permission to spend the entire day doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, which includes not making the bed, not mowing the lawn and not brushing your teeth. You also have my permission not to watch the MDA Jerry Lewis telethon. Just view this video clip instead. (Trust me, it will be more than enough. Especially when his false teeth start to slip.)


The weather here is certifiably GORGEOUS right now. After five solid months of humid heat in the triple digits we’ve finally had cooler, drier temperatures in the 80s for the last few days ... and as an added bonus there’s even a TROPICAL STORM heading our way. “Hermine” is moving straight up the Gulf of Mexico and should cover most of Texas with wind, rain and thunderstorms for two days starting Wednesday. This is a big hoo-hah for the Dallas area because we’re 300 miles from the Gulf as the crow flies. Maybe a little more if you’re a seagull. I’m just saying.

Sam and I are going for a drive this morning as soon as I get dressed and stop horsing around with this post. Our destination is the Bishops Arts District in Dallas, a quirky little neighborhood southwest of downtown with upscale restaurants, galleries and notoriously crappy parking. It’s my plan to stop at the Greek Cafe & Bakery for some whatnots-to-go and then scope out the location of Hattie’s a few blocks away. Sam and I have a reservation at Hattie’s for our wedding anniversary next week. The specialty of the house is southern cuisine, like fried green tomatoes and shrimp with grits. I don’t know if Sam has ever tried food like this before because he typically only eats Clif bars, burritos and raisins. Dinner should be interesting. Thank you for reading this, and I mean it sincerely.

I think I'm too excited to sleep.

I woke up at this morning at 6:15 because Sam and I are going to Costco today, and I’m so excited I decided to leap out of bed at the crack of dawn and write my shopping list. So far it includes a jumbo bottle of Naproxen, toothpaste, Olay shower gel, raspberries, a tub of Costco’s house-made shrimp salad, cashews, socks for Sam, a two-pound package of lox, Ziploc bags and toilet paper. I’d also love to buy Tide liquid detergent but I can’t even lift the bottle that Costco sells.

In other news ... Sam and I would like to extend our very best wishes for a HAPPY LABOR DAY. We hope you’ll consider a long nap or throwing something fun on the grill. We’ll probably do BOTH. At present, Sam is starting the weekend with an early-morning “donut run” to his favorite little greasy haunt in Garland. I don’t go with him for two reasons: 1) I’m diabetic; and 2) the first reason should be good enough.

We also hope you’ll tune in to watch five or ten minutes of the annual MDA telethon starring Scary Jerry Lewis. Jerry hasn’t aged very well, obviously, and it’s my guess that he’d probably be doing MDA a favor if he finally stopped showing up every year. Plus, after reading a disturbing news report online I also think he’s a total clod for refusing to acknowledge his disabled daughter Suzan, who was born out of wedlock 56 years ago AND LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HIM. Sort of puts a new slant on the phrase “Jerry’s kids,” doesn’t it? Sheesh.