Say goodbye to Ralph Hall, the only member of Congress who knew Bonnie & Clyde.

In this post: Old goats, lousy chickens.

Yo. I’m tired, and here’s why. Sam and I hung out in the family room until 3 a.m. watching old Bob Newhart reruns, I woke up at 5:45 for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and couldn’t fall asleep when I went back to bed so I thrashed around for about an hour, annoyed Sam, couldn’t get comfortable and eventually wound up here in the study reading the latest baloney on Gawker and Jezebel. Trouble is, I’ve got a doctor appointment this morning at 10 and that’s just about the time I need a solid morning nap if I don’t sleep well the night before. Sucks to be me, doesn’t it?

Nothing says “get well soon” like teeny tacos.

In this post: Costco emergency.

I woke up in the middle the night with a low blood sugar episode. And if that’s not lousy enough, at 4:30 a.m. I almost choked to death on a glucose tablet (they dissolve in your mouth like gigantic SweeTarts) and then coughed myself into a migraine headache by 5:45. I ask you, who the hell needs this? Thank God Sam is already on his way to Costco because nothing says “get well soon” like TEENY TACOS. The rest of Sam’s emergency shopping list includes: 1) a great big tub of tortellini salad with salami; 2) chicken tamales; 3) raspberries; 4) a box of frozen cooked Angus burgers with tasty grill marks; 5) salt & pepper pistachios; 6) whole mushrooms in a jar; and 7) breakfast burritos. Not everything is pictured below because I didn’t feel like it. Try to move on, okay?

Meet Kory Watkins, the ultimate Texas dipshit.

In this post: Fun food, a Texas dipshit, naps.

Know what? Sam did a Costco shlep this morning, which means: 1) great big packages of our favorite teeny tacos and breakfast burritos; 2) a tub of squishy mozzarella balls floating in tasty oily crap with green things (I think the technical name for this is “marinade”); 3) really, really good chicken tamales in GENUINE CORN HUSKS; 4) raspberries; and 5) Brownie Brittle. Forgive me if I sound hysterical but I love this crap. I really do. Sam also had instructions to stop at our neighborhood Wal-Mart for a trunk full of emergency Coke Zeros (I ran out yesterday and had a brain hemorrhage) and four jars of teeny whole mushrooms in salt-flavored preservatives because CRAVINGS.

You can never own too many teeny bowls.

In this post: Household hints, a mascot makeover, nuts for Mom.

There’s not much to report from Howdygram headquarters this evening. Our severe overnight weather forecast has fizzled to drizzle, Sam is soundly asleep in the family room watching Gunga Din (1939) starring Cary Grant, Victor McLaglen and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., as British soldiers romping through colonial India, and I’m here to share the usual assortment of entertaining tidbits, hot tips and clever crap. Let’s begin, shall we?

We eat a lot of food around here.

In this post: Costco, kids and technology.

It’s a dark and dismal Monday morning here in north Texas, and while I’m here in the study enjoying my first Marcytini of the day Sam is on his way to Baylor Medical Center for routine lab work and then to Costco for an assortment of excellent crap. Today this will include: 1) Don Miguel teeny tacos; 2) Sam’s favorite breakfast burritos; 3) lots and lots of pistachios; 4) tasty Foster Farms frozen chicken patties; and 5) an industrial-size sack of fully-cooked bacon.

Sam and I always select our frozen crapola as a couple.

In this post: Costco, a Friday agenda, Doris Day.

It’s 10:30 Friday morning as I write this post and Sam is headed to Costco for our favorite weekly provisions, such as: 1) teeny chicken tacos; 2) breakfast burritos; 3) a lot of fresh blackberries; and 4) frozen crapola to be determined. For the record, Sam promised to call from the frozen food section so we can select our crapola as a couple. I haven’t been to Costco for a long time and don’t know what’s what any more.

We love Costco.

In this post: Moaning, shopping, remodeling.

3:15 A.M. Know what? I feel so thoroughly miserable right now I almost can’t use my damn keyboard! I woke up half an hour ago with a substantial fever and severe joint and muscle pain, and Sam heard me moaning when I got out of bed and helped me shlep into the study so I can sit here rocking back and forth like a large turnip. He also brought me a Marcytini from the kitchen with a mountain of ice because my hands feel like they’re on fire and I like holding the glass.

If it looks like a shepherd’s pie, please avoid this crap no matter what.

In this post: Crap to avoid.

Hi, people. For your possible interest I’m introducing a new Howdygram feature — PLEASE AVOID THIS CRAP NO MATTER WHAT — that’s basically my own warped version of a public service announcement, and I’ll begin with a review of the beautiful and enormous store-made shepherd’s pie Sam bought yesterday at Costco. Long story short, it was supposed to be dinner but turned out to be PUKE. For $13.95 you get a four-pound foil pan of ground beef, peas and carrots in a gluey, thoroughly flavorless, charcoal gray gravy topped with equally thoroughly flavorless mashed potatoes and a wad of what appears to be toasted shreds of cheddar cheese, but that’s just a wild guess because it might be paint chips.

For Hanukkah this year I think Sam should build a loading dock at the foot of our driveway.

In this post: Shopping.

I wish to hell UPS and FedEx delivered packages on President’s Day. I’ve got a pile of thrilling shipments waiting in the wings AND I WANT THEM NOW. These include: 1) two gigantic containers of cheap but excellent parmesan cheese; 2) ReliOn raspberry glucose thingies to help me bounce back from hypoglycemia; 3) six 16-oz. jars of Mezzetta Chicago-style sandwich giardiniera; 4) Kraft cheesy spreads in two gourmet flavors; and 5) a million Zeiss lens wipes because fingerprints. In case you give a crap, items 1 through 4 hail from Wal-Mart; the lens wipes are from Amazon.

If Costco is out of sushi tomorrow I’ll have to kill myself.

In this post: Sam returns, an Olympics rant.

Yay, everybody ... Sam will be home today from his trip to California! Life around here absolutely STINKS without him, so to celebrate his homecoming I made a big pitcher of lemonade and wrote out a shopping list for his Monday morning junket to Costco. If that’s not love, what is? I’m supposed to call him at 7:30 (Pacific time) to wake him up because he doesn’t have an alarm clock and his sister and brother-in-law (i.e., Tammy and Bob) are picking him up at 8 to go to the airport. Sam’s flight will land in Dallas at 4:15 this afternoon. An instructional illustration of a happy Sam and an airplane flying to Texas appear below for your possible interest.

Dallas has no road salt, one sack of meaningless sand and three snowplows.

In this post: Canadian Mounties, frozen freeways, Costco deals, map pins.

I’ve got big news today, classic TV fans. The “Sergeant Preston of the Yukon” DVDs I ordered from Amazon finally arrived! IN A REAL COLLECTOR’S TIN! Holy crap, this thing is SO DAMN COOL. There are two boxed DVDs inside with five half-hour episodes on each. I thought I’d post a photo in the Howdygram but the flash was creating too much glare because the collector’s tin is actually made of GENUINE METAL — you know, as in very shiny — so I’ll just include a regular picture of Sergeant Preston instead. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about here, “Sergeant Preston of the Yukon” was a half-hour TV series that ran from 1955 to 1958. Was he adorable, or what? Thank you.

Psychotic weather is headed for north Texas.

In this post: A weekend couch picnic.

So here’s what’s on the schedule today at Howdygram headquarters: 1) Sam is going to Costco; and 2) I can’t think of anything else, mostly because it’s 6 in the morning and who cares. Just in case you’re interested, though, on Sam’s shopping list today are Brownie Brittle, breakfast burritos, teeny chipotle chicken tacos, sushi, blueberry muffins, really big frozen cooked tail-off shrimp and fresh blackberries. We’re planning a weekend-long couch picnic that may or may not include the Super Bowl since we actually don’t give a crap who wins. (To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I even know who’s playing.)

Why I love “nap movies” and other meaningless baloney.

In this post: Kvetch report, diabetes, teeny tacos, Amber Lyn Chocolates.

Hey! Congratulations to me! I’ve pretty much been asleep ALL DAY TODAY with exception of lunch in the family room with Sam and two short trips to the bathroom. I don’t know what the hell’s going on, but it might have something to do with the fact that the only time I’m not in pain right now — due to arthritis, plantar fasciitis and diabetic peripheral neuropathy — is when I’m LYING DOWN. Not a very productive lifestyle, unfortunately, but it seems to be making a difference because I felt better when I woke up from my third nap about half an hour ago. I’m just saying.

Judi Dench has my favorite haircut on the planet.

In this post: A Costco junket, a haircut, celebrity photos.

10:11 A.M. Sam is at Costco as I write this post, loading up on essential crap for the Howdygram kitchen! If he sticks to the list today’s haul will include 1) Brownie Brittle; 2) teeny chicken tacos; 3) breakfast burritos; 4) pistachios; 5) shrimp ceviche; 6) sushi; 7) chicken flautas; 8) a gigantic sack of Clementine tangerines; 9) Orowheat bread; 10) two kinds of pepper jack cheese; 11) a box of frozen Angus burgers; and 12) I think that’s it.

I’ve never tap-danced in my entire life.

In this post: Frozen solid, couch picnic essentials.

I’m almost too cold right now to type the word “hypothermia” because my body temperature is 94.8° AND I’M SHAKING. It doesn’t seem to matter that the house is 72° inside and I’m wearing the warmest fluffy robe I own. Holy crap, people. This really sucks. And in case you’re wondering what the hell is going on, my low body temperature issue is one of the many symptoms of diabetic autonomic neuropathy, where nerve damage sends wrong signals to (and from) the brain. This is also why I get lightheaded, short of breath, lose my balance, have difficulty swallowing and had to stop tap-dancing. (I might be kidding about tap-dancing. I’ve never tap-danced in my entire life.)

Shopping on Amazon doesn’t require lipstick, wearing a brassiere or leaving the house.

In this post: Holiday food-fest, another AT&T fiasco.

Sam is on his merry way to Costco as I write this post, armed with a list of essential crapola to keep our faces entertained during the four-day Thanksgiving weekend. I specifically refer to:

1. Brownie Brittle*
2. Salt & pepper pistachios
3. An industrial-size slab of lox
4. “Loaded” potato salad (sour cream! cheddar cheese! chives!)*
5. Sushi
6. Jalapeño hummus
7. Frozen Angus burgers
8. Excellent breakfast burritos*
9. Fully-cooked microwave bacon

Rick Perry, the gun-loving, abortion-hating secessionist.

In this post: Speedy deliveries, politics from hell.

Oh boy, everybody! UPS and FedEx deliveries are showing up SO DAMN FAST these days it’s making my head spin! I ordered Sam’s Vitamin D yesterday from Costco.com and it’s already on the truck for delivery this afternoon. My Subscribe & Save crapola from Amazon is arriving today, as well — one day early — and if that’s not enough to give an old lady a brain hemorrhage, our new platform bed frame and bedskirt are being delivered, too! ALL ON THE SAME DAY!

Life as we know it will resume tomorrow.

In this post: A Costco emergency, groundbreaking news from Amazon, celebrating veterans.

While Sam is on his way to Costco for emergency supplies — breakfast burritos, potato salad, frozen hamburgers, sushi and a sack of pistachios — I’ve got a HUGE ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME ANNOUNCEMENT to share with you. According to news reports this morning, Amazon has hooked up with the U.S. Postal Service to begin DELIVERING CRAP ON SUNDAYS! They’ll start right away with New York and Los Angeles, then expand to Dallas, Houston, Phoenix and New Orleans in 2014. I’m so excited I could have a brain hemorrhage!

Marina Oswald shops at Wal-Mart.

In this post: Celebrity shoppers.

As we approach the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination you may be interested to know that Lee Harvey Oswald’s widow, Marina, is a grandmother and retiree who lives in Rockwall, Texas with her second husband. She’s 72 years old and shops at Wal-Mart. I’ll bet she also shops at the Rockwall Costco — the finest Costco in the United States — which means Sam could bump into her sometime buying cheap toilet paper or Brownie Brittle. Holy crap, right?

In Texas, “above average” is a five-star sushi review.

In this post: Happy Halloween, goodies from Costco, the drought goes on.

First, happy Halloween. Second, Sam is on his way to Costco as I write this post. Today’s list includes practically all of our regular favorites, such as: 1) an industrial-size package of surprisingly excellent lox; 2) sushi; 3) two kinds of sliced cheese; 4) breakfast burritos; and 5) two extra-large sacks of chocolate chip Brownie Brittle so Sam can bring one to work today for Halloween. Incidentally, Costco’s sushi is definitely above average, but please remember that I live in Texas and “above average” is a five-star sushi review here.