I was cold enough this morning to consider socks.

In this post: Frosty toilets, I really HATE Republicans.

It’s Monday morning. I’ve been up since 6 for no reason whatsoever, although presently I’m a little bit hungry, rather cold and definitely sleepy … all excellent reasons to eat, turn on the heat and go back to bed as soon as possible. And I’d do it, too, if I wasn’t so damn pissed off about the Republican extortionists in Congress and their government shutdown grandstanding! I’m especially irritated today by John Boehner’s claim that “the White House refuses to negotiate.” Negotiate what, exactly? The Republicans haven’t offered any basis for negotiation … JUST A LIST OF DEMANDS. Holy crap, I hate these people!

I need a lot of cake today. And a lot of old movies. And tacos with hot sauce. (And Sam. I absolutely need Sam.)

I think we should all charter a bus and haul ass to Washington.

In this post: Congress (again), baking things, missing Sam.

Good morning, people. It’s a bright and sunny Sunday in north Texas! Before I do anything else, however, I’d like to encourage you to sign another petition — what a surprise, right? — asking Speaker of the House John Boehner to end the government shutdown and give up on that stupid orange spray tan. This one’s sponsored by Senator Claire McCaskill (Democrat from Missouri), pictured at right, and a long list of her well-dressed Democratic colleagues.

If a Lou Malnati’s pizza doesn’t give you palpatations, there has to be something wrong with you.

I’ve been a little slow with Howdygram posts this week, but I’ve got two decent excuses: 1) a lack of motivation; and 2) laundry. I can’t exactly pinpoint the reason for item one, which tends to come and go depending on what’s on TV, but I can explain item two. On Saturday Sam is flying to Los Angeles to hang out with his relatives for eight days and I’ve been washing everything in sight so he’ll have a lot of clean socks. It’s a full life.

Although it’s been a long while since my last Einstein Award, I’m pretty damn sure I’ve got one for you today that makes up for lost time. Meet Nicole “Einstein”  Eastman, a recent high school graduate. She’s renting her first house with the “best roommates ever” — with friends like this, who needs enemies? — who apparently decide hey, cool, let’s all vault off the roof and land in the swimming pool!

The first two jumpers make it into the water but Einstein (in the pink bathing suit) freaks out at the last minute and SHATTERS BOTH FEET when she crashes onto the patio instead. A fourth, unseen halfwit films the event for posterity. (FYI, it’s a graphic video. Prepare yourself.)

In case you’re wondering where Nicole got her keen sense of maturity and judgment, it seems that her mother has come under fire for launching an outrageous GoFundMe page to solicit donations to help support her “disabled daughter,” since poor Nicole will be stuck in a wheelchair for up to a year, has no health insurance and needs help paying for rent and toiletries. Because even in a wheelchair, a girl with no job, no prospects and no common sense needs to condition her hair and continue living with her best friends. Seriously.

Another day, another weird and crappy movie! This time it’s Beast from Haunted Cave (1959), a horror dreckfest produced by Roger Corman and starring nobody you ever heard of. The pointless plot includes intoxicated idiots dancing to really bad music in a road house, stealing gold bars from a mining office and then a giant scary cobweb thing chasing them up and down a ski slope. I guess the cobweb is the beast from the haunted cave. While I hate to dispute the facts presented on the original movie poster shown below, there were no half-naked screaming young girls getting sucked into anything, and the cobweb was neither blood-starved nor from hell. It was just STUPID. The script wasn’t so hot, either.

The cast featured all of the following D-list actors. Michael Forrest was best-known for a part in a 1960s episode of “Star Trek.”

I ordered myself an unexpected treat this morning: TWO CRUSTLESS DEEP-DISH PIZZAS from Lou Malnati’s pizzeria in Chicago! Oh boy! Yee-haw! Holy crap! Yum! I didn’t know anything like this even existed! Lou Malnati’s uses a quarter-inch thick layer of really lean Italian sausage instead of a crust, which means these babies have no gluten, no flour and no carbs! Delivery is expected on Friday but I’m so excited I might have to sit on the front doorstep and wait for the UPS dude. (If the photo below doesn’t give you palpatations there has to be something wrong with you.)

While I ponder tonight’s dinner I think I’ll horse around for a while with my iPad. I downloaded a few new games this morning from Apple’s App Store, such as Bally’s Cash Wizard, which is an exact copy of the slot machine that Sam and I love at the Choctaw Casino. The only thing missing is the senior citizen’s buffet. (And the sugar-free pie.)

Thank you for reading this.

Nothing I do has ever been worth $120 an hour to anybody.

First, please accept my apology for not writing posts for the last couple of days. I didn’t intend to ignore you; it just happened. I guess I was preoccupied with other crap, although at this point I honestly can’t remember what that other crap might have been. It’s hell getting old.

My Mac technician finally showed up today to install the latest operating system and sync our computers with our new iPad. This turned out to take a lot longer and cost a lot more money than I’d planned, leading me to conclude that I’ve been in the wrong business all these years because nothing I do has ever been worth $120 an hour to anybody. After shelling out $360 for three hours of labor, during which Betty talked about her mother and juggled an endless flurry of incoming calls on her cell phone, I am proud to announce that emails now show up on our iPad. I promise to let you know if it was worth the money as soon as I get over the shock.

For your possible interest I’m pleased to offer yet another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring three former cutie-pies who haven’t had much luck with their aging genes. I think Kathleen Turner and Linda Ronstadt are the scariest of the bunch.

Incidentally, Sam and I had a swell and profitable junket yesterday to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma! Following an okay lunch with sugar-free pie, I hauled in GREAT BIG WINS (more than $60) on a couple of new penny slots and then Sam hit a jackpot on the best slot machine God ever invented, the Cash Wizard (see below), after which we bailed out immediately and drove back to Texas so we wouldn’t be tempted the blow the money.

This week we’re busy tending to a lot of essential baloney as we get ready for our big ROAD TRIP, such as prescription refills, getting a new pair of jeans shortened, figuring out which shoes to pack and selecting obscure towns to stop for lunch on the way to wherever we’re going. A map of our travel route appears below.

Indicated here are: 1) Howdygram headquarters, our starting point; 2) Vicksburg, Mississippi, where we’ll visit a huge Civil War battlefield, a great museum and several riverboat casinos; 3) another Civil War battlefield in Shiloh, Tennessee; 4) Nashville and the Grand Ole Opry; and 5) the Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Arkansas. Also on our schedule is a visit to Monroe, Louisiana, located on the map between points 1 and 2, where my father was stationed in 1943 for basic training in the Army Air Corps. Apparently the only remaining building on base has been turned into a World War II museum and I’m feeling compelled to check it out. I even have a fantasy that I’ll find a photo of dad on the wall. No kidding.

I’d better get myself ready for bed. Tomorrow Sam and I want to road-test our new Garmin GPS (delivered from Amazon earlier today) and visit the Dallas Farmer’s Market.

As you can see, this is NOT the kind of farmer’s market that sets up in a parking lot once or twice a month. It’s a permanent complex of buildings with indoor vendor stalls and restaurants that’s open every day of the year except Christmas and Thanksgiving. Sam and I haven’t been there before, so stay tuned for an in-depth review. I apologize in advance if you’re convinced this will be boring.

Shalom, y’all.

Slots, sluts and the world’s best sugar-free pie.

Before I begin my usual late-night drivel I should mention that I don’t feel too swell right now. I’m hoarse, I’ve got a nasal drip and my legs ache. I’m not exactly sure how all this crap is connected so I just washed down two Tylenols with a bunch of lemonade. A good night’s sleep might help, too, in which case I should try to keep this post rather brief. (Not very likely.)

Anybody seen the latest buzz about Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris? Apparently they’ve patched up their relationship after an ugly breakup last summer. Crystal backed out five days before their wedding, sued him in court for custody of their joint puppy and then blabbed to the press about Hefner being lousy in the sack. He’s 86, you little twit. What were you expecting? Frankly, I think they deserve each other.

A familiar face in the news! It seems that Octomom (Nadya Suleman), with her home in foreclosure and desperate for money, has agreed to work as a stripper in mid-July at T’s Lounge in West Palm Beach, Florida, performing twice a night for one week. During the last couple of months Suleman also posed nude for a British tabloid, signed up to star in porn films and filed for bankruptcy. She gets skankier by the minute. And the Howdygram wants to know who’s babysitting her 14 children while she peels for a mob of drunks in the Sunshine State.

And now I’d like to share a new photo of my great-nephew Cooper, age 4½ months, posing in a swell little hat. Is this guy adorable, or what?

For your possible interest my essential purchases from Amazon today included a case of wintergreen Tic Tacs and a yahrzeit candle because we can’t find yahrzeit candles in any of our local redneck supermarkets. Sam and I always light one on Father’s Day to remember our dads. Mine passed away 10 years ago on July 14; Sam’s died three years ago this month.

I also ordered a set of three clever wipey things by Targus to buff the grimy fingerprints off our new iPad. In the meantime I’m using the chamois that came with an eyeglass cleaner kit I bought at Costco.

Some BIG EVENTS coming up this week! On Thursday Sam and I are driving to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma to dine at Butterfield’s Buffet — they have SUGAR-FREE PIE — and play our favorite slots. A photo of Butterfield’s appears below. In addition to sugar-free pie I really love their hot & sour soup, which is extremely hot and extremely sour.

On Friday afternoon our computer technician (Betty) is coming over to upgrade our Macs with the latest operating system, synch them with our iPad and install the latest Adobe Creative Suite software. This is A VERY HUGE HOO-HAH and I’m so excited I might have a nervous breakdown.

In the meantime I think I’ll just go to bed. Thank you for reading this.

Yesterday.

Sunday was awesome. It was so awesome, in fact, that I didn’t even have the time or inclination to write a post about it until now. Since I’m positive you won’t be able to continue with your day until I’ve shared the minutiae, grab yourself a lemonade and here goes.

My wonderful Sunday included ...

iPad App Acquisitions. I spent a little time horsing around on the iPad App Store and downloaded the following: 1) the Internet Movie Database; 2) TripAdvisor; 3) MyRadar weather maps and forecasts; and 4) an essential little doohickey called Where to Eat that — go on, take a guess — locates restaurants so I won’t have to be without Mongolian chicken anywhere in the United States. Ever. I’m also hoping to find a GPS locator app called Gefilte Fish Finder, so if you run across anything that fits this description please let me know as soon as possible. Thank you.

Memorable Television Programming. I enjoyed six hours of nonstop Diamond Jubilee horseshit on BBC America, including the entire Thames River pagaent and a special one-hour documentary about the life of Queen Elizabeth. Pictured below are the Queen and Prince Philip with the cast of “H.M.S. Pinafore” (just kidding) in a motorboat heading to the Spirit of Chartwell barge — check out that dude on the right with the skirt and red tights — and another shot of all the essential royals squished under a screwy gold canopy because it was pouring rain and God forbid any hats should get wet.

And I’ll also include a photo of the flotilla on the Thames (see below), led by a several hundred nitwits in costume rowing their own boats. The big one out in front is the Gloriana, powered by galley slaves like Ben Hur.

I also watched Tiger Woods win the Memorial yesterday at the Muirfield Village Golf Club in Ohio, tying Jack Nicklaus’ 73 lifetime PGA tournament wins. This was a very big hoo-hah  because Tiger’s game has been mostly crappy for the last couple of years. Jack was on hand to present the tournament’s trophy, which apparently was laser-engraved with a Hoover upright vacuum cleaner. (Is it just me, or is Jack shrinking?)

Last night also included: 1) the most amazing episode of AMC’s “Mad Men” I’ve ever seen, even better than the one two weeks ago when Joan agreed to sleep with a sleazy client to land the Jaguar account for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce; 2) the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” flying to Chicago for a gay wedding in Barrington (seriously); and 3) “Veep” on HBO starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. The official trailer for “Veep” appears below for your possible interest. (If you like it you’d better watch next Sunday because it’s the last episode of the season.)



A Charming Late Afternoon Drive. After Tiger won his trophy Sam and I jumped into the car for a lovely Sunday drive that included (see visual aid below): A) downtown Dallas and dinner at Pei Wei; B) the entire length of Harry Hines Boulevard heading northwest to Bachman Lake; and 3) back to Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite via Northwest Highway. En route we sang several of Sam & Marcy’s greatest hits and played Who Would You Rather See Naked.

It’s lunch time at last. Thank you for reading this!

Gefilte fish is an appropriate snack for almost any weather situation.

Oy, yee-haw and glorioski ... it’s here! Direct from Apple’s overseas sweatshop in Chengdu, China, OUR BRAND NEW iPAD ARRIVED TODAY. This thing is truly beautiful, but the touch-screen technology — easily mastered by toddlers, nitwits and just about everybody else on planet earth — has left yours truly somewhat befuddled. Therefore, to help me to figure it all out I set up an appointment on Thursday with a “genius” at the Apple Store in Dallas to show Sam and me the basics. In the meantime I just ordered an excellent yet remarkably inexpensive iPad travel case from Amazon, pictured below.

We had an interesting day around here, weather-wise. Lots of thunderstorms started rolling in before sun-up and continued on and off until late afternoon. Nothing major, but we definitely had some ongoing boomers and nice steady rain. At the moment there’s yet another line of storms moving in, this time more severe with lots of bright red crap on the map (see below) from Weather.com. The red star indicates Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite.

Thought y’all might enjoy the following video clip made by a frightening young woman for an online dating service. You’ll understand why I chose an adjective like “frightening” as soon as she opens her mouth. I’d be willing to bet she’s still single.



And now I think I’ll join Sam in the family room and eat gefilte fish while we watch the storms roll in, because gefilte fish is an appropriate snack for almost any weather situation. Thank you for reading this.

Smoke plumes, Mongolian chicken and an abundance of Mickeys.

Good afternoon, how’s the family and howdy from Texas! While Sam is at a doctor appointment I’ve decided to hang out with the Howdygram until I’m hungry enough to make lunch.

First order of business, a couple of new pictures of my great-nephew Tyler (age four) taken on a recent trip to California with his mom and dad. I’m assuming the first shot is Disneyland but Sam thinks it’s Disney’s California Adventure. I really wouldn’t know the difference from the snapshots I saw because Disney obviously hires a sufficient quantity of Mickeys to cover both theme parks. Also Minnies.

I screwed up a substantial detail in yesterday’s Howdygram post. I mentioned that our new iPad was being delivered today ... but it’s NOT. What’s being delivered today is the fold-up iPad cover that I ordered — an Apple accessory — and not the actual iPad itself, which shipped yesterday from Chengdu, China, and won’t get here until June 1. As a result I’m irked, morose, frustrated, despondent and altogether miserable enough to order a pile of Mongolian chicken.

From our Not Really Weather department, I was starting to get very excited about the possibility of rain today judging from the lack of sunshine and heavy overcast clouds, but I just read that we’re actually experiencing a smoke plume drifting east from that huge wildfire in New Mexico’s Gila National Forest. Just between us, I’d rather have rain. If anybody has an email address where I can send a complaint, please let me know.

Thank you for reading this.

Free Slurpees, an exciting new gadget and gefilte fish investments.

Let’s start with the biggest news story first, okay? Until 7 p.m. today you can get FREE SLURPEES AT 7-ELEVEN! And this even includes their new SUGAR-FREE Slurpees! Giveaways are genuinely wonderful and you shouldn’t miss this opportunity to save money while ingesting a large pile of dyed, artificially-flavored and chemically-altered slush.

I also want to include another edition of the Howdygram’s popular Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring a trio of iconic female celebrities: Dolly Parton, Lauren Hutton and Marlo Thomas. Just between us, Lauren Hutton scares the hell out of me.

Here’s something cool. Sam and I visited the Apple Store online yesterday and ordered ourselves an iPad that will be here TOMORROW. This is our first real wireless device — we don’t even own smartphones — not counting my cordless mouse and it’s partially an investment for the road trip we’re planning next month so we won’t go insane without the Internet and email. Holy crap, is this exciting or what? I can’t wait to start shopping for apps. This might be more fun than hunting for gefilte fish discounts on Amazon.

Please note. The aforementioned Amazon gefilte fish discounts apparently have dried up since Passover ended and there are no current deals available anywhere unless you decide to shop at the KC Kosher Co-op, where you can get 24 oz. jars of Manischewitz for $6.86 each when you buy a case of 12, shipping included. However I don’t know if I’m ready to invest $82.30 in gefilte fish at the present time, particularly since our pantry is already stuffed with 36 cans of assorted Loma Linda fake meat and the world’s largest bag of tortilla chips from Costco.

Thank you for reading this.