Patience and simplicity.

It’s Thursday night, and I’m waiting. Waiting for Sam to come home from work. Waiting for Betty, my Mac technician, to come over tomorrow and set up my new Epson printer. Waiting for UPS to deliver 200 velvet hangers from Amazon.com so I can redo the closet in the master bedroom. Waiting for Saturday so Sam and I can buy our new bed.

That last one — the new bed — is an extremely big deal. I even printed out online coupons from all the mattress stores here in Mesquite, although with or without coupons the prices are mysteriously identical at every store. Mattress Giant, for example, is advertising “58% off all Simmons mattress sets” ... except they doubled their prices first. Our shopping excursion will take us to one or more of the following stores, all pinpointed on the map below for your possible interest. They are: A) The Sleep Experts; B) Mattress Giant; and C) Mattress Firm.

Bed-buying will be followed by a brief excursion to Kirkland’s, located about half an inch to the right of “B” on the map, because they’re having a sale and I’m ready for a few new doodads to spruce up the house. (I won’t spring the Kirkland’s idea on Sam until the very last minute in an effort to avoid the inevitable Scrunchy Face of Disapproval.) And finally, when we’re all done shopping, we’ll head north to Carrollton for dim sum, which is a critical element of our weekend activities.

And now it’s time for a hot shower, leftover chicken and an old movie. Thanks for stopping by and don’t forget your umbrella.

Averting disaster and other upcoming activities.

Everybody loves a bargain, me included, so on Monday afternoon I got lured into adding AT&T U-Verse fiber optic television, high-speed Internet and digital phone to our current AT&T landline service (we have two lines here). AT&T came up with a mighty fine deal that includes a few bazillion TV channels with all the premium movies, high-definition and a DVR that records up to four programs at the same time. And because AT&T says I’m such a valuable customer they offer to waive the Installation Fee, Receiver Fee and Residential Gateway Fee and promise to send me a pair of Visa gift cards. All this hoo-hah actually costs about $75 a month LESS than we’re currently paying altogether for AT&T phone service and Time-Warner cable TV and Internet. So I set up installation for March 18 and can’t wait to tell Sam about my brilliant accomplishment.

And then (thankfully) I decide I’d better do a little research.

I make two phone calls and find out from First National Processing that my credit card terminal (pictured below) — which I just replaced in December to be in compliance with new Federal laws — is “dial-up only” and won’t work on a fiber optic phone line, and Epson tech support tells me the fax that’s built into my new WorkForce 635 printer (the one I ordered last night) isn’t compatible with fiber optics, either.

Frankly, a few extra cable channels aren’t worth this much upheaval and inconvenience, so I call AT&T and cancel EVERYTHING. They don’t love me any more.

And now a brief rundown of my upcoming activities this week, which include: 1) emptying the dishwasher; 2) getting a mammogram today at 2:30; 3) a quarterly preventive visit from our pest control company on Thursday afternoon; and 4) tweezing my eyebrows. I’m not thrilled about item two, and item four gets harder all the time because I can’t see what I’m doing.

Incidentally, next Tuesday morning I’m scheduled for a stress test. My cardiologist’s name is Mohammad Khan. Oy.

Prints Charming travels in a FedEx truck.

Last night in the middle of a birthday card creation — yes, I design birthday cards — my Epson Artisan 700 printer stops processing anything heavier than Kleenex. It chews up the card stock, deposits ink splotches on every edge of my envelope and finishes off with a chorus of pitiful grunts. Since the printer’s officially been out of warranty for more than a year I decide it’s time to put it out of its misery and order new equipment. I am pleased to introduce the Epson WorkForce 635.

The WorkForce 635 is bigger and faster the Artisan 700 and includes a ton of cool extra features, including automatic duplex (back-to-back) printing, a fax, a sheet-fed scanner and a huge paper tray. (I love huge paper trays.) It’s also nonfat, rustproof and provides 25% of your recommended daily fiber allowance. Even better, when I ordered last night on Epson.com they threw in a $50 INSTANT REBATE and FREE SHIPPING in addition to NO SALES TAX.

The only thing that could make this even better would be 1,000 sheets of premium presentation paper and a free lifetime supply of inkjet cartridges, but I won’t hold my breath.

Thank you for reading this.

This is almost like being drunk.

I once read an article that said severe fatigue will make you behave like you’re intoxicated. Know what? I’m here to tell you that’s pretty damn accurate. I haven’t slept in almost 24 hours and anybody who walked into my house right about now would think I just polished off a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. If I can get a few neurons to function I’ll tell you how I got into this mess.

Sam worked a lot of hours yesterday. His normal schedule is 2 to 10 p.m., but he was really busy last night at the office with a lot of client hoo-hah and didn’t actually get home until 5 this morning. I don’t sleep when Sam works that late because I keep opening one eye to look at the clock, so I’m in bed but wide awake when he walks in at 5 a.m. And then I can’t get comfortable because my carpal tunnel hand is killing me, so I decide to get up for a while. I go to the bathroom. There’s a giant mosquito thing flying around so I yell for Sam to come kill it for me.

I take some pain medication for my hand and sit at the computer reading my favorite news websites. Then I decide I’m hungry and end up in the kitchen eating American cheese. At 7:15 I finally decide to try going back to bed. This works for about an hour ... until someone rings the front doorbell three times and starts pounding on the door. In a stupor Sam and I both get up and discover it’s FedEx delivering my replacement Epson printer (see yesterday’s post). Swell. Sam signs for the package and goes straight back to bed; I’m wide awake again and end up in the family room watching a creepy British movie from 1933 called “Cavalcade.” I’m so tired I’ve got double vision but my hand still hurts and I can’t fall asleep.

I won’t bore you with too many additional details at this point except to tell you it’s now 4:45 in the afternoon, Sam went back to work two hours ago, and I still haven’t had 10 minutes of sleep. As soon as I finish this post it’s my plan to make some popcorn and lie down on the couch. Either that or I’ll try out for the female lead in “Night of the Living Dead.” Thank you for reading this.

Epson is definitely a class act.

Just a quick update to part of my last post. I called Epson’s toll-free customer service hotline this morning about my non-functioning Artisan 700 inkjet printer ... and my experience was exceptionally fabulous. The service rep confirmed that I had registered my printer online when I bought it, it’s still under warranty, and THEY’RE SENDING ME A BRAND NEW REPLACEMENT PRINTER TODAY for overnight delivery. All I have to do is ship back the broken printer at no cost to me. I can stop hunting for the receipt and I won’t have to shlep the printer to Fry’s for repairs.

Go buy yourself an Epson product. Seriously, this company is a class act.

Crap happens when you least expect it.

First, a quick medical report. MY RIGHT HAND IS KILLING ME. To be honest with you, I always believed carpal tunnel syndrome was a bogus health issue invented by people who manufactured ergonomic mouse pads and wrist braces. Never in a million years did I ever think this was a genuine physical condition that involved real pain. Boy, was I ever WRONG. I’ve been through a lot of crap in my life, like major surgeries, uterine cancer, endometriosis, plantar fasciitis, arthritis and four decades of increasingly serious dental emergencies, and the pain of carpal tunnel syndrome ranks right up there with the worst of it. I CAN’T USE MY RIGHT HAND, which means I also can’t grip the steering wheel in my car, push a shopping cart, lift a fork or spoon, blow-dry or brush my hair, type, move my mouse, hold a pen or hook my bra. I wear a wrist brace 24/7 except when I’m in the shower and try to do some dinky flexibility exercises two or three times a day. The exercises don’t seem to be working. NOTHING seems to be working. I see the doctor again on April 13, so stay tuned.

In other news, my Epson inkjet printer is broken. On Thursday I started getting an error message saying the paper tray is inserted incorrectly, but I know that’s crap because there’s only one way to insert the stupid tray and it doesn’t exactly take a brain surgeon to figure it out. So nothing is printing. This is really a shame for two key reasons: 1) the printer is less than a year old; and 2) it’s still under warranty but WE CAN’T FIND THE RECEIPT FROM FRY’S. Sam and I tore the place apart this morning with no luck. And I’d be willing to bet that repairs would cost more than a new printer. I’m calling Epson’s customer support center on Monday to find out if they have my warranty on file. PLEASE CROSS YOUR TOES AND FINGERS.

Tiger Woods returns to the PGA Tour next week. Let’s hear a gigantic YAY ... all together now! Tiger is playing in the Masters Tournament at Augusta National and the first round starts on April 8. Golf hasn’t been the same without him, and I will be glued to my TV. Anybody who’s interested in watching with me should send an email to reserve a spot on the sofa. Refreshments will be served, but I don’t have any cookies in the house so if you want some please BYO. Thank you.