My low-carb Mock Matzo Balls are fluffy little beauties in your favorite soup.

On October 13 I posted a simple little recipe for easy low-carb dumplings that you can cook in a pot of soup or stew. After a brief period of intense experimentation in the Howdygram test kitchen I’d like to announce a recipe revision, as shown below.

• 3 cups CarbQuik low-carb baking mix
• ½ cup zero-carb heavy cream
• ½ cup water
• 3 extra large eggs, beaten

Blend all ingredients in a big bowl until you have a nice soft dough. Add a little extra water one tablespoon at a time if the dough is too dry. Drop dough by spoonfuls onto simmering soup (or stew). Cook for 10 minutes uncovered and then 10 minutes tightly covered. No peeking, okay?

Have you ever wanted to make low-carb dumplings?

In this post: A Sunday kvetch report timeline, battling Boehner, low-carb dumplings.

6:05 A.M. Wake up shivering and decide to take a really hot shower with lots of soap.

6:19 A.M. Still shivering but I smell terrific. My body temperature is 94.9°. That’s an all-time low (no pun intended) for me where hypothermia’s concerned.

6:25 A.M. I check my blood sugar and it’s only 62. I’m still shivering and take a couple of extra-strength Tylenol. I eat breakfast (seriously, I can’t remember what) and watch the first hour of Sunset Blvd. (1950) starring William Holden and Gloria Swanson. (For your possible interest, the correct title of this movie is Sunset Blvd. — not Boulevard. Got it?)

A savings of $5.54 is nothing to sneeze at, people.

In this post: A low-carb shopping spree, cheapo TicTacs, here comes Sam.

To celebrate Sam coming home from California today I decided to treat myself to a bunch of wonderful crapola from Netrition.com. This includes two boxes of CarbQuik baking mix, four packages of very tasty low-carb ready-to-eat beef chili with beans, a jar of Go-Lo low-carb sugar-free chocolate hazelnut spread (i.e., mock Nutella) and two bags of Great American Low Carb Bread Company “everything” bagels. I’m especially excited about those bagels. Only two carbs each! Not pictured: a bag of low-carb hamburger buns (from same company that makes the low-carb bagels) and two squeezy bottles of Mt. Olive sugar-free sweet relish. I’ve included all the links in case you want to go shopping. Yum-yum, y’all.

Food peril in a modern world: Defending pickles & biscuits.

It probably won’t surprise any of you that the essential crapola in your refrigerator could kill you. The dangers du jour include: 1) overpriced cheese contaminated with Listeria courtesy of Whole Foods; 2) more than 50,000 pounds of ground beef at your favorite warehouse club store contaminated with E.coli bacteria; and 3) bagged salad containing the popular mix of romaine, iceberg lettuce and cyclospora parasites. Although the salad in item three has (so far) poisoned 350 people in 15 states, the FDA can’t exactly tell you which brand of bagged salad to avoid because it actually might be ALL of them.

From my viewpoint, the only safe and healthy meal left on planet earth is PICKLES & BISCUITS, my all-time favorite feast for every occasion. I refer specifically to easy little drop biscuits made from CarbQuik and water (the recipe’s on the box) and juicy Ba-Tampte half-sour pickles. If you care, I have to order my pickles from the KC Kosher Co-op because grocery stores in Dallas don’t sell anything Jewish. You can’t even find a stupid yahrzeit candle around here.

Big news, people ... I applied for my Social Security retirement benefits today! This makes it official: I’m a card-carrying, bona fide OLD LADY now, complete with a cane, corrective shoes, a monthly Social Security check and a leaky bladder. Tonight’s requisite celebration will include a bowl of chia seed pudding and the latest episode of “Project Runway.”

I’ve got a full and happy life. And (as always) another batch of new fonts.

Thank you for reading this.

Sam would never sit through any of these for any reason whatsoever.

This is the story of Sam and his 90-hour work-week. After four consecutive days last week stuck in the office until 5 a.m., he’s been working from home almost nonstop yesterday and today. Tonight around 7 he’ll drive downtown to the office and stay until 7 a.m., after which he hopes to take some time off to unscramble and recharge his sleep-deprived brain. He also needs a large quantity of healthy food because he’s eaten practically NOTHING since Friday, not counting a couple of ice cream sandwiches and a sack of bird food. (Actually, it was trail mix.) Sam looks generally pasty, unshaven, pooped and not especially happy. If you want to send him a present or a greeting card, please write to request our mailing address as soon as possible Thank you.

As for moi, my plantar fasciitis is on the mend and my feet are feeling moderately okay today! Therefore, I celebrated by making CarbQuik biscuits for lunch, and for dinner tonight I’m considering a BLT on low-carb toast minus the L and T because I don’t have any. So I guess that means it’s just a B. With mayo. Yee-haw.

Hey. If you’re as disappointed by — and pissed off about — the George Zimmerman verdict as I am, please take a minute to sign the petition on MoveOn.org encouraging Attorney General Eric Holder and the Department of Justice to file civil rights charges. The petition actually started on the NAACP’s website but there’s so much traffic that it’s been impossible to access the page.

Doing anything delightful tonight? After Sam leaves for the office I’m hosting a TV festival for an audience of one (you know, just me), which includes: 1) this week’s exciting episode of “Real Housewives of New Jersey”; 2) The Birdcage (1996) starring Robin Williams and Nathan Lane; and 3) The Rains Came (1939) starring Myrna Loy, Tyrone Power and George Brent. Yes, I have eccentric tastes. Sue me. Also, Sam would never sit through any of these for any reason whatsoever.

For the record, The Birdcage is one of my all-time favorite movies and I chose The Rains Came in honor of tonight’s weather. Thank you for reading this.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

Sam got home from work this morning at 5 a.m. I always have trouble sleeping well when he’s gone all night like that and keep opening my eyes to look at the clock on the nightstand. And what’s worse, Sam left here yesterday at 1:15 in the afternoon … that’s a 14½-hour work day! I’d like to beat the crap out of somebody but I can’t figure out who.

And so here we sit, Sam and me, both of us barely conscious from insufficient sleep, thinking whether we should eat lunch (it’s 11:30) or try taking a nap. I vote for the nap, to tell you the truth. Naps are GOOD. I’ll finish posting afterwards. Please stand by.

Believe it or not, there was a five-hour lapse after composing the second paragraph of this post. I just woke up. Shortly after noon I slipped into an immediate post-food coma on the chaise in the family room and don’t even remember Sam leaving for work. It’s presently 4:35 p.m. That’s one hell of a nap even for ME ... and I’m a charter member of the Olympic napping squad!

To clear the cobwebs from my head I just placed a lovely order with Netrition.com, which includes all of the following:

• Jok-n-Al fruit spreads (plum, blueberry and pineapple)
• An exceptionally large quantity of CarbQuik (i.e., two three-pound boxes)
• Sea Tangle Kelp Noodles
• Beanit Butter
• Walden Farms coleslaw dressing
• Walden Farms Asian dressing
• Walden Farms strawberry syrup
• Soy Slender chocolate soy milk
• SweetLeaf Liquid Stevia in two flavors (chocolate raspberry and apricot nectar)

In case you’re wondering, I order practically all of my grocery products — with certain exceptions, obviously, such as frozen crap, fresh vegetables, Loma Linda fake meat in a can and cream cheese — online from Netrition because I don’t have the stamina, balance or motivation to shlep through supermarkets any more and therefore have no idea if any of these products are available locally. I also don’t like to annoy Sam with complex grocery lists or trips to multiple markets. First-time products in this Netrition order include the zero-carb kelp noodles, Walden Farms no-calorie strawberry syrup (reviewers say it’s swell in a smoothie) and Walden Farms no-calorie Asian dressing. The latter will douse the aforementioned zero-carb kelp noodles and be consumed cold like a salad with a few nice shrimp and a fork. Oh boy! And I mean this most sincerely.

For the last half-hour I’ve been receiving emails from my cousin Bobby with photos of his oldest son’s wedding in California earlier this month. Here, for your possible interest, is a group shot of my favorite cousins posing together at Gideon and Kimi’s big event and looking mighty damn wonderful. I haven’t seen them in an awfully long time. And yes, obviously, we’re all senior citizens now. Oy.

And here are the bride and groom. After seeing these pictures I’m really sorry that Sam and I couldn’t make it to their wedding. Frankly it’s tough to accept that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

There’s still time to tune in for tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV, which the Howdygram heartily recommends for your viewing pleasure. This is one of our favorite reality shows because there’s nothing quite as entertaining as ghetto maniacs being dragged out of a pawn shop by 350-pound bouncers. Thank you for reading this.

More whining, more biscuits and more crapola.

So here’s what’s been happening today at Howdygram headquarters! Saturday night was seriously crappy with severely low blood sugar in the mid-40s, VERY low body temperature, chills and severe joint and muscle pain, which required sleeping, shivering and moaning on the chaise in the family room wrapped in a faux mink blanket. I’m surprised (and thankful) that I didn’t wake my spouse, who was comfortably unconscious in bed. I managed to perk up this morning, however, and talked Sam into an early lunch at Cafe Greek in Dallas followed by watching Adam Scott win the Masters at Augusta National on TV. The aforementioned chills and muscle pain came back this afternoon, however, and I’m not doing well at all as I write this post. I’m thinking I might need pickles and biscuits for dinner. Pickles and biscuits solve EVERYTHING.

For the record, these are low-carb biscuits, and I’ve got the easiest recipe on the face of the earth. I throw ⅔ cup of water and 2 cups of CarbQuik (a low-carb Bisquick knockoff) into my bread machine, process for about 90 seconds, and then drop six clumps of dough onto a nonstick cookie sheet, flatten the clumps with your fingers and bake for 15 minutes at 350°. (The biscuits, not your fingers.) That’s all there is to it. FRESH HOT BISCUITS! And they’re only TWO CARBS EACH, so a food-obsessed diabetic like yours truly can eat ALL SIX BISCUITS and not send her blood sugar into the stratosphere!

On TV tonight, for your possible interest, are the latest episode of AMC’s “Mad Men,” the season premiers of “Veep” on HBO and Anthony Bourdain’s new food and travel series on CNN, and a pair of extremely wonderful Walter Huston movies on TCM: Dodsworth (1936) and Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948).

This is so exciting I almost can’t stand it because Sam and I love Walter Huston movies. Thank you for reading this.

Try my Beanit Butter chocolate chip cookies.

As promised ... here’s my fantastic no-brainer cookie recipe for low-carb dieters and diabetics. Each of these little puppies has less than one gram of carbohydrates. Whoa! Specifics about some of the ingredients appear at the end.

• 1 cup powdered Sensato erythritol sweetener
• ½ teaspoon EZ Sweetz (liquid Splenda)
• 1 cup CarbQuik
• ½ cup Beanit Butter
• ¼ cup softened butter 
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 large eggs
• handful of Nevada Manna sugar-free chocolate chips

Preheat your oven to 350°. Combine both sweeteners, Beanit Butter, butter, vanilla and eggs and smoosh up until well mixed. Add the CarbQuik and chocolate chips and continue stirring until a thick dough forms. Drop by cookie scoop or tablespoonfuls onto a nonstick cookie sheet two inches apart. Roll each scoop into a cute little ball and then press down slightly to flatten. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes until light golden brown. You’ll get 15 to 18 nice-size cookies from this recipe, and they’re REALLY GOOD.

The exotic ingredients are all from Netrition.com. These include: 1) CarbQuik (a low-carb Bisquick knockoff); 2) Beanit Butter; 3) powdered Sensato erythritol sweetener; 4) EZ Sweetz; and 5) Nevada Manna sugar-free chocolate chips. I can’t live without this wonderful crap and I don’t ever want to try. Pass the insulin. Thank you.

The Howdygram is officially 15 pixels wider today.

I’m just full of excuses lately. I didn’t make time to write a Howdygram post yesterday because my world was jam-packed with other important projects. These included eating lunch, thinking about laundry, finishing up two client projects and placing my biggest order EVER with Netrition.com for more than $200 worth of incredible low-carb crapola. In my cart were: 1) Soy Slender soy chocolate milk; 2) unsweetened Almond Breeze almond milk; 3) three jars of Carb Not Beanit Butter; 4) Carb Counters pancake mix; 5) MimicCreme Almond & Cashew Cream; 6) Thick’n Saucy for making sludgy soup; 7) erythritol powdered sweetener; 8) a three-pound box of CarbQuik because I can’t live without my low-carb biscuits; 9) Atkins snack bars; 10) four packages of white bread mix; 11) Just the Cheese chips and “popped cheese” (seriously) in assorted awesome flavors like pizza, barbecue and jalapeño; 12) LorAnn blackberry and lemon custard milk shake flavorings; 13) four jars of Bella Vita pasta sauce; 14) a tin of Ghiradelli unsweetened cocoa; and 15) various Walden Farms zero-calorie whatnots, such as fruit spreads, pancake syrup and marshmallow dip. Oy! A number of the aforementioned products have agreed to pose for the group photo posted below.

Quite a few of these products are listed and described on the Howdygram’s Shop for My Favorite Crapola page; others will get there eventually once I’ve had a chance to try them. This time I’m especially excited about MimicCreme (no fat! no carbs!) and Walden Farms Marshmallow Dip (no calories!). Since words really can’t do these products justice I’ll simply scream GLORIOSKI and move on.

Before I forget, below are my latest new font acquisitions, all of them free. Enjoy.

Please let me know if you ever flip for any fonts posted on the Howdygram and I’ll be glad to email copies to you. I may be addicted but I’m always willing to share! Many of them include lots of different styles and weights such as light, book, medium, semi-bold, bold, black, italics and so on. My general belief has always been that a girl can never have too many fonts, shoes or low-carb biscuits.

And now for the latest breaking news from our God Bless Texas department! The long-awaited George W. Bush Presidential Center on the campus of Southern Methodist University here in Dallas will be christened at a private ceremony on April 25. Dubya and Laura will be in attendance along with assorted losers from the Bush/Cheney administration. The Center includes a comic book library, museum, rose garden and a “think tank,” the latter of which is pictured below.

The Center’s website has posted the following statement: “With world leaders invited to join President and Mrs. Bush for this historic day, the event is expected to enjoy internationally-televised coverage.” Yup. Along with a few thousand protesters from a coalition of human rights organizations called “The People’s Response” (see below), who will be on hand to make a huge hoo-hah about the Bush administration’s policies and a belated demand for a war crimes trial. Many also have been fighting the location of the Bush Center at SMU since the very beginning because it “casts a veneer of legitimacy” on policies that run opposite to the university’s teachings and philosophy, such as torture, the invasion of a sovereign nation (Iraq) and crushing stupidity. Protests will include teach-ins, art, speakers and a dance party for peace. Rock on, Dallas!

On a more somber note, our regular Schwan’s delivery doofus, Gary, was involved in a work-related truck accident last week and BROKE HIS BACK. Apparently the situation is fixable (i.e., he’s not paralyzed) but please hold a good thought for him, okay? We’re hoping Gary will be back on the job shlepping frozen food as soon as possible. Our order yesterday was delivered by a friendly substitute doofus named Mark.

Sam has a follow-up appointment this morning with his retina specialist, Dr. Choi. You may recall that Sam had surgery on February 22 to repair a “macular pucker” (see previous post) behind the retina in his right eye. I suppose his recovery has been fine, although he still can’t see very well and says there’s a bubble of water rattling around in there. Holy crap.

In case you care, the main column of the Howdygram is officially 15 pixels wider today to bring you even more of the horseshit you’ve come to know and love. I have no idea why I did it or, more importantly, why I felt compelled to report it. Thank you for reading this.

Biscuits & chicken goop deliver low-carb comfort food.

Here’s a new and speedy comfort food recipe of my own invention, featuring two of my favorite food groups: low-carb biscuits and goopy gravy!

To begin you have to make a batch of CarbQuik drop biscuits. This involves mixing ⅔ cup of water with 2 cups of CarbQuik until it forms a dough. (I use my bread machine for this. It takes about 90 seconds.) Divide the dough into six wads, drop onto an ungreased nonstick cookie sheet and flatten slightly. Bake for 13 minutes at 375°. Presto … YOUR BISCUITS HAVE ARRIVED!

While your biscuits are in the oven you can make the goop.

• 3 tablespoons butter or margarine
• ¼ cup rehydrated chopped onion
• ⅓ cup CarbQuik
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¼ teaspoon pepper
• 2 cups chicken broth
• ½ cup unflavored Almond Breeze almond milk
• 2 boneless skinless chicken breasts, cubed
• 2 cups rehydrated freeze-dried mixed vegetables

In a nice pot simmer the cubed chicken and broth until the chicken is cooked, maybe about 10 minutes. In another nice pot heat the butter and rehydrated onion. Stir in the CarbQuik, salt and pepper until well-blended. Gradually add the broth, chicken and milk and stir until thick. Add the veggies. Heap everything on top of three CarbQuik biscuits. Refuse to share if necessary.

A couple of final thoughts. First, if you don’t have freeze-dried mixed vegetables you can substitute any cooked mixed vegetables. I use freeze-dried because I’ve got a pantry full of this excellent crapola from Shelf Reliance. Second, enjoy the leftover biscuits for a bedtime snack shmeared with low-carb Jok ’n Al blueberry fruit spread from New Zealand. You can pretend you’re eating jelly doughnuts.

I’m recruiting for a hit man to help me get even with tech support.

I thought I’d horse around with the Howdygram while I wait for the UPS delivery-of-a-lifetime. I’m expecting nine — NINE! — packages today from Amazon, including: 1) a case of Lowrey’s original flavor microwave bacon curls; 2) Dial NutriSkin body wash; 3) 12 bags of zero-calorie Miracle Rice; 4) a Norelco cordless razor for Sam; 5) a sack of nice disposable razors for yours truly; 6) six 32-oz. boxes of College Inn chicken broth; 7) a half-pound bag of xanthan gum powder; 8) an industrial-size carton of Imodium caplets; and 9) a bottle of Nature’s Bounty Co Q-10 extra-strength softgels. Holy crap!

In the event you’ve never heard of item 7, xanthan gum (pictured below) is a food thickener used in billions of commercially-sold products such as salad dressing, barbecue sauce, milkshakes, gravy and so on. Its benefit for me is the fact that it works these miracles with ZERO CARBS. A half-pound bag will probably last the rest of my life because a little goes a very long way. For instance, ⅛-teaspoon can thicken a pan of gravy and 3 teaspoons will turn an entire vat of soup into sludge. (I love sludge.) Stay tuned for additional details, okay?

Incidentally, I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday because I got sidetracked with a couple of client projects, such as a logo design and recreating an entire website that mysteriously disappeared from the Internet last week. My client almost had a cow while we waited five days for tech support Einsteins in three different departments to figure out what the hell happened. THEY NEVER DID. So yesterday I finally volunteered to re-upload the entire website from scratch, which took maybe two hours from start to finish.

I’m recruiting for a hit man to help me get even with tech support. Please send an email if you know anybody who’s interested in a quick buck and a trip to India. Thank you.

Tonight for dinner I’m making Marcy’s Deconstructed Chicken Pot Pie, a bizarre recipe of my own invention that almost sounds too good to be true. Basically, it’s three CarbQuik drop biscuits smothered in a gooey, zero-carb gravy with cut-up chicken and freeze-dried vegetables. I don’t know about you, but I think this crap sounds so awesome I might have to post the recipe so you can try it yourself.

Thank you for reading this.

Plantar fasciitis is an affliction from the pit of hell.

Sam is on the way to buy himself a couple of doughnuts, leaving me behind at Howdygram headquarters to recover from yet another low blood sugar incident and wax poetic about last night’s unforgettable dinner. I had a craving that ultimately manifested itself as a pile of homemade CarbQuik biscuits, raw onion and the cheapest dill pickle chips money can buy. It was a feast from heaven that clearly didn’t deliver enough carbs to balance the insulin I injected at dinnertime, because I woke up this morning with a reading of 52, which is at least 30 points too low.

The memory of biscuits and pickles will linger forever, though. I think I’ve discovered a new favorite meal!

On our agenda today is a nice drive in the country with lunch at the China House Buffet in Sulphur Springs. I’m having a major neuropathy flare-up in my left heel — plantar fasciitis is an affliction from the pit of hell — so there are very few options for frivolity right now. Sitting on my ass in the car for an hour followed by unlimited Chinese food seems to be the recommended therapy. I, for one, can’t wait.

It wasn’t my plan to write an entire post about eating things so I’ll end with a portrait of Benedict XVI, a retiree with hilarious hats who just announced he’s too pooped to Pope.

I’m thinking his replacement should be somebody a lot younger with more energy and crowd appeal. Maybe Johnny Depp or PeeWee Herman.

Thank you for reading this.

Here’s my low-carb version of traditional Greek “spanakopita”.

It wasn’t my plan to write a recipe post tonight, but I created a spinach and feta casserole for dinner a couple of hours ago that definitely deserves a little international publicity. It’s low-carb, of course, but feel free to create your own high-carb version if that’s what floats your boat. Here’s my recipe.

• 3 cups rehydrated chopped spinach*, well-drained
• 6 to 8 medium green onions with white parts, chopped
• 8 oz. crumbled feta cheese
• 2 tablespoons powdered whole eggs*
• 2 tablespoons water
• salt and pepper to taste
• ¾ cup CarbQuik* (or Bisquick)
• 1 cup unflavored Almond Breeze almond milk*
• 3 tablespoons powdered whole eggs*
• 4 tablespoons water
• ¼ teaspoon salt

Heat your oven to 400°. Spray an 8-inch glass baking pan with Pam. Squeeze as much water from the spinach as possible by pressing it in a wire strainer, then mix the first seven ingredients together in a bowl: spinach, onion, feta cheese, egg powder, water, salt and pepper. Spoon into the baking pan. Blend the remaining ingredients in a medium bowl, pour onto the spinach mixture and bake for 30 to 35 minutes or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool 5 minutes.

This stuff is so good I almost can’t find the words to describe it. I love Greek food, but I can’t eat most of it because it’s all loaded up with carby crap like phyllo dough, pasta or rice. My spinach and feta casserole is a low-carb version of traditional Greek “spanakopita” (spinach pie). Seriously.

You can buy the ingredients marked with an asterisk (*) as follows: 1) powdered whole eggs and freeze-dried chopped spinach are from Thrive; 2) CarbQuik is a Bisquick knockoff from Netrition.com; and 3) you can buy Blue Diamond’s Almond Breeze in most supermarkets or click here to order from Netrition (be sure to use the original flavor, not vanilla or chocolate). I highly recommend all of these products and can’t live without them. Don’t tell Sam, but I’m having a love affair with powdered whole eggs. This might be the most versatile kitchen ingredient EVER.

This great big low-carb cookie is too damn good to share.

This is probably the best recipe I’ve ever made. For me, as a diabetic, it satisfies so many cravings at so many different levels that I almost can’t find the words. For instance: 1) it tastes exactly like an expensive bakery cookie; 2) it’s sugar-free; 3) it’s so low in carbs you can eat the whole thing without help from anybody and not have to beat yourself up afterwards; 4) it’s really easy to make; and 5) it’s beautiful. Here’s the recipe!

• ½ cup granulated Splenda
• ¼ cup shortening, melted
• 2 teaspoons grated orange peel
• 1 egg
• 1⅓ cups CarbQuik

Heat your oven to 350°. Spray a nice 12-inch nonstick pizza pan with Pam. (If you have a pizza pan that’s not so nice it would probably work just as well.) Mix the Splenda, shortening, orange peel and egg in large bowl with a spoon. Stir in CarbQuik and mix until a soft dough forms. Spread or pat the dough on the bottom of your prepared pan and bake for 10 to 11 minutes until the crust is light golden and set. Cool in the pan for about 30 minutes and cut into bars or wedges.

There are lots of ways to jazz this thing up if you’re interested. For instance, you can throw in a handful of sugar-free chocolate chips and/or use several drops of a concentrated LorAnn flavor oil (try almond or lemon) instead of grated orange peel, since I rarely have a fresh orange hanging around waiting to be grated. Extracts would be fine, too.

Wondering where to buy all this amazing crapola? LorAnn flavor oils are available on Amazon and CarbQuik is a low-carb Bisquick replacement that you can buy from Netrition.com. You’re on your own with the pizza pan.

A low-carb, slightly strange microwaved muffin in a bowl.

As a diabetic and generally unmotivated senior citizen I’m always looking for a low-carb dessert that’s easy, gooey and fast. Glorioski, I finally think I’ve found one! Here’s a recipe for a chocolate chip Microwave Bowl Muffin made with CarbQuik (a low-carb Bisquick knockoff) that really hit the spot tonight.

• ⅓ cup CarbQuik
• ⅓ cup DaVinci sugar-free chocolate syrup
• 1 tablespoon Nevada Manna sugar-free chocolate chips
• 1 tablespoon milk

You just moosh everything together in a cereal bowl until a soft dough forms and then microwave for two minutes on high. That’s it! You actually end up with something that looks more like a sloppy pancake than anything that remotely resembles a muffin, but what the hell ... the flavor is PHENOMENAL.

I didn’t have any sugar-free chocolate chips in the house so I successfully substituted one square of a low-carb dark chocolate bar, which I pounded to smithereens in a Ziploc bag. My weapon of choice was a can of Pam.

For the record, be sure to soak the bowl in hot water as soon as you’re done eating. Trust me on this.

An easy, no-crust, low-carb cheesecake. Seriously!

This cheesecake is so damn good you can serve it to company and they’ll never guess you’re sneaking them a tasty low-carb dessert. Here’s the recipe!

• 2 eggs
• ¾ cup unflavored Almond Breeze almond milk
• 1 cup powdered erythritol sweetener
• ¼ teaspoon liquid sucralose (EZ Sweetz)
• ½ cup CarbQuik*
• 2 teaspoons vanilla
• 2 8-oz. packages cream cheese, softened and cubed

Heat oven to 350° and spray a 9½-inch glass pie plate (or an 8-inch square glass baking pan) with Pam. Dump the first six ingredients into a blender container (or food processor) and blend on high for about 3 minutes, stopping occasionally to scrape the sides. Add the cream cheese and blend for another minute. Pour into your prepared pan and bake just until puffed and center is dry, 35 to 40 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. (Do not overbake this thing, okay?) Cool slightly. Spread Sour Cream Topping (see below) carefully over the top and refrigerate until chilled, at least 3 hours or until you can’t stand it any more.

And here’s how to make the Sour Cream Topping:

• 1 cup sour cream
• 6 drops of EZ Sweetz
• 1 teaspoon vanilla

My own personal preference: I don’t like vanilla in the sour cream and I love little globs of sugar-free fruit preserves on top. But that’s just me.

Try adding a flavor to your cheesecake. I’ve got a dozen teeny bottles of concentrated LorAnn flavor oils in my kitchen and all it takes is six to eight drops to jazz up your dessert. I recommend banana, apricot, almond or pineapple. (You can buy them on Amazon.)

*CarbQuik is a low-carb, high-fiber Bisquick knockoff. I really LOVE this crap!

What kind of loser hangs out at a laundromat selling black-market detergent by the cup?

I’ve got breaking news from Diabetesland! I had a regular checkup yesterday morning with Dr. M, and her staff just emailed my lab results. Holy crap, people … I ROCKED IT. Here they are in a nutshell and why each of these results is a very big deal.

• All my kidney results are stable. This is good news because some of the numbers had shown a decline in earlier lab tests. 
• Glorioski! My hemoglobin A1C — the “holy grail” blood test for diabetics — is finally down to 6%, a number that refers to the percentage of glucose in the blood. I worked my ass off to achieve this, counting every carb I put in my mouth and logging my blood sugar numbers four times a day. Six months ago my A1C was 10% and knew I had to do a lot better than that if I expected to live a long and happy life (with an occasional order of Mongolian chicken).
• My average blood glucose is 114, which includes an average of readings before and after meals. A very big deal indeed. 
• My cholesterol is 114 and my triglycerides are 105. These numbers are in direct correlation to the wonderful low-carb products I’ve been buying from Netrition.com, since most are loaded with dietary fiber. (When you eat 90 grams of fiber a day your cholesterol drops like a rock.)

As a bonus my blood pressure was 120/70, I lost 11 pounds and I got the best parking spot in the lot right outside the front door of the clinic. It doesn’t get much better than this! The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Dr. M’s office at Baylor Family Health Center. This is genuinely as close as it appears. You could probably just put the car in neutral and coast.

I saw a strange article on ABC’s news website earlier today. It’s a story about a huge national organized shoplifting ring that’s stealing TIDE LAUNDRY DETERGENT. Apparently it’s so serious that retailers and supermarkets are keeping their Tide under lock and key and have even hired SECURITY GUARDS to protect the detergent aisle from thieves. The shoplifters are stealing thousands of dollars worth of Tide — by the cartload — and driving off before they’re apprehended. Police say Tide has become “liquid gold” on the streets and it’s being peddled at inner-city laundromats by the cup.

I guess there’s no level that’s too low for pond scum! What kind of loser hangs out at a laundromat selling black-market cupfuls of DETERGENT? Did these Einsteins ever consider earning a legitimate income? You know, one that doesn’t involve stealing shit from somebody else? Check out this video.



And now it’s time once again to think about dinner. After I make myself a CarbQuik Easy Cheesecake for my late-night snacking pleasure I’ve got a nice big container of leftover Five-Minute Stupid Soup waiting for me. Soup is an excellent idea tonight because I’m really COLD. Frozen, actually. My fingers feel like icicles.

Thank you for reading this.

Nine out of 10 doctors agree that Mongolian chicken is the new morphine.

Yup. I did it again. I just changed the Howdygram’s banner graphic (again) for no valid reason whatsoever except that I like this one better. My basic philosophy is, it’s my blog and you can’t stop me. Thank you.

I am exceptionally tired right now. Sleepy, actually. I’ve had an unusually busy week with household projects — reorganizing the pantry and kitchen cabinets, filling canisters, labeling 30 spice jars, stuffing my pillow shams — all of which involved standing for prolonged periods of time, and this is not easy for me any more due to crappy arthritic knees, crappy lower back pain and crappy neuropathy in my feet. To alleviate my discomfort I ordered Mongolian chicken from China City and watched last night’s episode of “Top Chef.”

Nine out of 10 doctors agree that Mongolian chicken is the new morphine.

Great news, people. “Project Runway” is back! Season 11 premiers tonight on Lifetime and it’s recording on my DVR as I write this post. I hope the show’s producers were savvy enough to stock up on drama queens this year, because I get real satisfaction from watching silly egomaniacs making ugly clothes. Or maybe it’s the other way around. (I’ll bet nobody cares.) Four sample designers from a field of 16 appear below for your possible interest. The rest of them look pretty much the same except with different haircuts.

I ordered something new from Shelf Reliance last night, the website where I buy all my favorite freeze-dried whatnots. This time I’m trying their Whole Egg Powder because it should be comforting to always have enough eggs on hand for the CarbQuik casserole and dessert recipes I’ve been collecting. Plus everybody gives this stuff great reviews online.

The pantry-size can of Whole Egg Powder costs about $9 and contains the equivalent of 66 fresh eggs. That’s a swell deal, isn’t it? I also ordered a #10-size (gallon) can of Beef Textured Vegetable Protein because I can’t live without it. This is the best crap on the market, bar none. I throw handfuls of Beef TVP into damn near everything not including oatmeal and cheesecake. (Even Sam likes it.)

Ah, I almost forgot. Here are my latest new fonts, all downloaded at no charge from a variety of websites. Lately my favorite has been FontScore.com. They seem to have entire families of all the top-name fonts, and some of them would be worth a small fortune if you actually had to pay for them, God forbid.

Before Sam gets home from work tonight I want to take a quick shower, file my nails and eat peanut butter, not necessarily in that order. Thank you for reading this.

On tap today: pillow-jamming and big fat canisters.

Hey. Its Monday. Another week full of promise, Loretta Young movies and unseasonably pleasant January weather!

Three projects are on tap today at Howdygram headquarters. Project number one, finish filling my new glass kitchen canisters (see below) and shoot a couple of photos for a follow-up post. Project number two, I’m making tacos for lunch. Project number three, try to jam my overstuffed king-size pillows back into the shams that match my ivory quilt. After that I’ll be ready for a nap.

In case you’re interested, and I honestly can’t imagine why you would be, I bought four of these really huge air-tight things from Anchor Hocking’s website, ranging in size from 48 ounces to 1½ gallons. They will hold: 1) several pounds of CarbQuik flour; 2) a lot of granulated Splenda; 3) brown sugar for Sam’s oatmeal; and 4) my favorite dehydrated vegetable mix for Five Minute Stupid Soup, thereby reducing my actual prep time by at least 60 seconds. If I decide to dwell on this I’ll probably have to adjust the name of my recipe. Holy crap. Life sure gets complicated, doesn’t it?

Thank you for reading this.

Thunder-sleet, a Macy’s do-over and I can’t wait to eat my low-carb cheesecake.

We woke up this morning to a world covered with white crap. Sam said we had a thunder-sleet storm going on around 6 a.m. that coated everything with frosty ice pellets. As a result I had to cancel my 11 a.m. podiatrist appointment because I have a hard enough time just walking on dry ground.

I’ve got a bunch of unrelated, mostly uninteresting crapola to report tonight. First, before I forget, here’s a cute yet informative video clip I received a couple of days ago from Sam’s Aunt Adie about how women can tell if they’re having a heart attack. Feel free to recommend this to your friends and neighbors, okay?



Also, we found out today that Macy’s plans to replace our new-ish microsuede sectional sofa (it’s slightly more than a year old) by the end of the month! A technician from their service department was here on Friday to check out an area that started sagging, and when he reported the issue back to his boss they made the decision to REPLACE THE ENTIRE SECTIONAL rather than repair it. A formal portrait appears below for your possible interest. The color is called “Stone.”

I’m outrageously excited about this because it’s like getting a free do-over with regard to smooshed-up cushions, an unexplained greasy little hand-print and two badly-dented accent pillows. THANK YOU, MACY’S. Yee-haw!

I don’t know how I wound up on this mailing list, but there’s an irritating little Greek cafe here in Mesquite that focuses their entire marketing campaign on advertising when they’re CLOSED. For example:

“Happy holidays. We’re closed on Christmas.” 

“Drive carefully. We’re closed New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day!” 

“Just a reminder … we’re closed every Sunday.” 

“Hi. We’re closed today due to the weather. See you tomorrow!” 

In case you don’t believe me, click here and here and here. These people must be insane.

The local news in Dallas is reporting that Lee Harvey Oswald’s former apartment building in the Oak Cliff neighborhood was torn down yesterday morning with a crowd of onlookers arriving at dawn to grab a few bricks and whatnots as souvenirs. I don’t really understand why anybody would want crap like this, but you have to keep in mind I’m talking about Texans. Texans are weird.

I spent most of the day hard at work on my big client project, the scope of which has expanded to include: 1) a new logo; 2) matching business cards; 3) postcard invitations to a gallery show; 4) a PDF mailer; and 5) redesigning her website. I finished 1 and 3 this afternoon and feel very accomplished. As soon as I wrap up this post I plan to celebrate with a nice hot shower, the low-carb cheesecake I made last night and this week’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” Holy crap, does this sound fantastic, or what? If I feel motivated afterwards I might empty the dishwasher, although technically this activity doesn’t fit into anybody’s concept of celebrating. Especially mine. I’m just saying.

Incidentally, with regard to that low-carb cheesecake from the previous paragraph, it really turned out GREAT. I used the famous Bisquick “Impossible Cheesecake” recipe modified for CarbQuik ... a real no-brainer that you mix in the blender, pour into a glass pan and bake for half an hour. Let me know if you want the recipe, okay? Next time I think I’ll shmear a jar of no-carb lemon curd on top instead of sour cream. I love lemon curd.

Thank you for reading this!