Texas is the only state where you can wear mittens with flip-flops.

In this post: A runny nose, a Macintosh milestone, winter weather.

It’s almost 6 a.m. and I woke up about 40 minutes ago sneezing. SNEEZING! And if that’s not crappy enough, my eyes are drippy, I’m freezing cold, my knees hurt, I’m thirsty as hell and I’ve got a craving for tuna salad on rye toast with teeny pickles. Life is certainly a puzzle, isn’t it?

Miscellaneous baloney, a movie review and another font meltdown.

In this post: Fighting font corruption, appreciating “Brazil,” Rooster’s Roadhouse.

Oy, people, what a day. Howdygram headquarters had another major FONT MELTDOWN this morning! I was seeing way too many “out of memory” warning messages on my Mac last night even during the simplest procedures, and since this was basically the same horseshit as last time (see post) I got up at the crack of dawn to figure out what I had to do. You know, like 4:15 in the morning. It took FIVE HOURS to validate and delete 974 corrupt and semi-corrupt fonts — merely a fraction of my current font library, in case you’re interested — and by the time I finished my Mac was back to normal and I was ready for an asylum.

FYI, I finally concluded what started all this baloney ... and it actually had nothing whatsoever to do with fonts! The culprit was a large and apparently-damaged graphic file I’d transferred from Adobe Illustrator to InDesign, at which time InDesign froze solid and Photoshop crashed. My Macintosh technical guru told me months ago always to check my font library after issues like this, and sure enough ... there were scary little warning icons all over the place instructing me to begin deleting IMMEDIATELY or face eternal damnation.

This is the first time in my life I’ve ever been sick to death of fonts.

Welcome to Marcy’s Ongoing Font Disaster. After more quirky behavior from my iMac computer today I spent another three hours deleting an additional 200+ corrupted fonts — not counting the 350 I deleted yesterday; see previous post — that showed up in my system file with little red and yellow “danger” tags. When I finished I was half-blind but feeling technologically superior, so I decided to unwind and design a couple of birthday cards. That’s when I ran into some exceptionally crazy crap with a corrupted InDesign document. I had to “force quit” InDesign and Photoshop at least half a dozen times and restart my Mac over and over and over, and in the process more than half of my remaining fonts — the HEALTHY ones! — vanished from the face of the earth.

I devoted the remainder of the day to hunting down and reinstalling the fonts that got away. I had zip files for lots of them (thank God) but had to prowl around on half a dozen different websites to download some others. It’s already after 7 p.m. and I’ve been dealing with this horseshit since Sam left for work at 1:15. MY BRAIN IS FRIED. After nearly three decades as a Macintosh owner, I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve ever been sick to death of fonts!

While I sit here contemplating an order of therapeutic Mongolian chicken I’m thinking that new perfume would be really swell, too. I got a Macy’s Christmas flyer in the mail today with one of those rub-it-on-your-wrist scented paper samples for Dior J’adore, pictured at right. This crap smells GREAT so I go to Fragrancenet.com to order myself a bottle and discover that it’s selling for $97.19 ... and that’s the DISCOUNTED price.

What the hell. I remember back in junior high when I could buy Heaven Scent at Walgreen’s for TWO LOUSY BUCKS! Of course, at the time I didn’t mind smelling like a 13-year-old girl. I don’t think I could get away with that today. Senior citizens with canes and trifocals need something a little more sophisticated and age-appropriate, such as Eau de Depends.

Thank you for reading this.

Rick Perry, decrepit fonts and mentally ill blintzes.

Good morning from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters! Okay, I agree that “bowels” might be unnecessarily graphic, but I’m at a loss how else to describe sitting at my desk with TicTacs at 5:18 a.m. If  you come up with something better please send an email as soon as possible. Thank you.

This will be an outstanding week around here due to the number of exciting deliveries on the way. These include: 1) zero-calorie Miracle Rice; 2) a six-pack of Fifty50 sugar-free peanut butter; 3) two cartons of Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls; 4) a case of 12 little pouches of pink salmon; 5) Jok-n-Al No-Carb Lemon Curd; 6) another bottle of Jok-n-Al No-Carb Chili Pepper Sauce because I got addicted after trying this heavenly crap for the first time last week; 7) Fiber Gourmet low-calorie spaghetti; 8) Bella Vita low-carb pasta sauce; and 9) several bottles of DaVinci sugar-free raspberry and peach syrups because Sam and I love to make phosphates. In case you’re interested, I ordered items 1 through 4 from Amazon and 5 through 9 from Netrition.

Incidentally, I have no idea what lemon curd is (item 5, above) but I’m hoping it’s like the filling for a lemon meringue pie. I’ve got a grand plan to smear it on a low-carb flour tortilla — maybe with ricotta cheese and a pile of Equal — and pretend I’m eating dessert or a mentally ill blintz with sour cream on top. (Stop laughing.) Stay tuned for a complete review. If this turns out to be edible I’ll even post my recipe.

From our Macintosh News You Can Use department, I’ve been having occasional slowdown issues with my Mac for the last couple of months that culminated yesterday afternoon with a bizarre “out of memory” error while I was horsing around in Adobe Illustrator. Out of memory? What the hell! So I called my computer guru, Betty, who suggested this is probably a FONT CONFLICT and not really a memory issue at all. My assignment? DUMP MY OLDEST FONTS BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE NEWER FORMATS. Holy crap, this is like asking a bum to give up muscatel.

Regardless, I spent the next three hours examining and trashing more than 350 decrepit old PostScript fonts that I haven’t used for years decades, some with file dates from the mid-1990s. Almost as old as my underwear! I was happy to dump them, though, in exchange for no more system errors, and I’m pleased to report that my Mac’s performance has already improved considerably.

Please clap your hands if you share my joy. Thank you.

And finally, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the latest recipient of our coveted Putz of the Week Award ... Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, who thinks the answer to last week’s massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary is for school teachers to carry assault weapons in the classroom. I’m guessing he also recommends shoulder holsters, ammo belts and camouflage gear.

In a speech on Monday to the North Tarrant County Tea Party, Perry added “One thing I hope I don’t see is a knee-jerk reaction from Washington, where they come in and think they know the answers.” Seriously, Governor Einstein ... do you think you have the answers? This is the same horse’s ass who carries a semi-automatic pistol when he walks his dog — in a residential neighborhood — in case he has to get tough and blast a cranky squirrel. I CAN’T STAND THIS GUY.

I should go back to bed for a while. Thank you for reading this.

Nothing I do has ever been worth $120 an hour to anybody.

First, please accept my apology for not writing posts for the last couple of days. I didn’t intend to ignore you; it just happened. I guess I was preoccupied with other crap, although at this point I honestly can’t remember what that other crap might have been. It’s hell getting old.

My Mac technician finally showed up today to install the latest operating system and sync our computers with our new iPad. This turned out to take a lot longer and cost a lot more money than I’d planned, leading me to conclude that I’ve been in the wrong business all these years because nothing I do has ever been worth $120 an hour to anybody. After shelling out $360 for three hours of labor, during which Betty talked about her mother and juggled an endless flurry of incoming calls on her cell phone, I am proud to announce that emails now show up on our iPad. I promise to let you know if it was worth the money as soon as I get over the shock.

For your possible interest I’m pleased to offer yet another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring three former cutie-pies who haven’t had much luck with their aging genes. I think Kathleen Turner and Linda Ronstadt are the scariest of the bunch.

Incidentally, Sam and I had a swell and profitable junket yesterday to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma! Following an okay lunch with sugar-free pie, I hauled in GREAT BIG WINS (more than $60) on a couple of new penny slots and then Sam hit a jackpot on the best slot machine God ever invented, the Cash Wizard (see below), after which we bailed out immediately and drove back to Texas so we wouldn’t be tempted the blow the money.

This week we’re busy tending to a lot of essential baloney as we get ready for our big ROAD TRIP, such as prescription refills, getting a new pair of jeans shortened, figuring out which shoes to pack and selecting obscure towns to stop for lunch on the way to wherever we’re going. A map of our travel route appears below.

Indicated here are: 1) Howdygram headquarters, our starting point; 2) Vicksburg, Mississippi, where we’ll visit a huge Civil War battlefield, a great museum and several riverboat casinos; 3) another Civil War battlefield in Shiloh, Tennessee; 4) Nashville and the Grand Ole Opry; and 5) the Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Arkansas. Also on our schedule is a visit to Monroe, Louisiana, located on the map between points 1 and 2, where my father was stationed in 1943 for basic training in the Army Air Corps. Apparently the only remaining building on base has been turned into a World War II museum and I’m feeling compelled to check it out. I even have a fantasy that I’ll find a photo of dad on the wall. No kidding.

I’d better get myself ready for bed. Tomorrow Sam and I want to road-test our new Garmin GPS (delivered from Amazon earlier today) and visit the Dallas Farmer’s Market.

As you can see, this is NOT the kind of farmer’s market that sets up in a parking lot once or twice a month. It’s a permanent complex of buildings with indoor vendor stalls and restaurants that’s open every day of the year except Christmas and Thanksgiving. Sam and I haven’t been there before, so stay tuned for an in-depth review. I apologize in advance if you’re convinced this will be boring.

Shalom, y’all.

Danny DeVito is obviously enjoying a steady diet of lasagna and Ding Dongs.

The last 48 hours have been plagued by two crushing disappointments here at Howdygram headquarters, mostly because Sam and I are a pair of trusting souls who tend to believe almost everything we hear.

Crushing Disappointment Number One. We canceled our trip to the Choctaw Casino yesterday because rain and thunderstorms were in the forecast all day and we’d have to be awfully desperate to drive 160 miles round-trip in a deluge for sugar-free pie and penny slots. Unfortunately we never got a single drop of rain on Thursday whatsoever, so we wound up sitting around the house all day DOING NOTHING and whining about why the hell did we ever listen to those pathological liars at Weather.com again.

Crushing Disappointment Number Two. I finally managed to turn my mood around by reminding myself that Betty was coming over on Friday afternoon to upgrade our Macs with the latest operating system, install a pile of fabulous new Adobe software and synch everything with our iPad. Right on schedule, Betty sent an email at 2:30 to tell me she was “on the way” with a thirty-minute ETA ... AND THEN SHE NEVER SHOWED UP. Apparently she had car trouble and wound up getting towed to a dealership, which I didn’t find out until two hours later because she left voice mails on my cell phone and I NEVER TURN ON MY CELL PHONE. (Seriously. My cell phone leads a full and rewarding life as an expensive paperweight.)

Although we’ve rescheduled the Choctaw Casino for Monday and Betty for Tuesday, to help me get through the weekend without a nervous breakdown I’ve convinced Sam that we need dim sum for lunch tomorrow at Hong Kong Royal. God bless dim sum. Dim sum can solve damn near anything.

For your possible interest I’m pleased to include the latest installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery.

Of the four celebrities pictured above, the one I’d pick for Most Deteriorated would be Rip Torn, who looks mighty shredded to me. Connie Stevens seems kind of colorless and pruny, Danny DeVito is obviously enjoying a steady diet of lasagna and Ding Dongs, and I’m thoroughly intrigued by Dean Stockwell, who’s practically the only movie star left from Hollywood’s golden age, having appeared in films with — ready for this? — William Powell, Myrna Loy, Joel McCrea, Greer Garson, Gregory Peck, Lionel Barrymore, Reginald Owen, Gene Kelly, Donald Crisp, Charles Coburn and Wallace Beery. Holy crap!

It’s 11 p.m. and time for my insulin injection and a pile of pills. For a bedtime snack I’m considering sugar-free vanilla ice cream with Smucker’s sugar-free fudge topping. I could even use my pills as demented sprinkles just for fun. Thank you for reading this.

Slots, sluts and the world’s best sugar-free pie.

Before I begin my usual late-night drivel I should mention that I don’t feel too swell right now. I’m hoarse, I’ve got a nasal drip and my legs ache. I’m not exactly sure how all this crap is connected so I just washed down two Tylenols with a bunch of lemonade. A good night’s sleep might help, too, in which case I should try to keep this post rather brief. (Not very likely.)

Anybody seen the latest buzz about Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris? Apparently they’ve patched up their relationship after an ugly breakup last summer. Crystal backed out five days before their wedding, sued him in court for custody of their joint puppy and then blabbed to the press about Hefner being lousy in the sack. He’s 86, you little twit. What were you expecting? Frankly, I think they deserve each other.

A familiar face in the news! It seems that Octomom (Nadya Suleman), with her home in foreclosure and desperate for money, has agreed to work as a stripper in mid-July at T’s Lounge in West Palm Beach, Florida, performing twice a night for one week. During the last couple of months Suleman also posed nude for a British tabloid, signed up to star in porn films and filed for bankruptcy. She gets skankier by the minute. And the Howdygram wants to know who’s babysitting her 14 children while she peels for a mob of drunks in the Sunshine State.

And now I’d like to share a new photo of my great-nephew Cooper, age 4½ months, posing in a swell little hat. Is this guy adorable, or what?

For your possible interest my essential purchases from Amazon today included a case of wintergreen Tic Tacs and a yahrzeit candle because we can’t find yahrzeit candles in any of our local redneck supermarkets. Sam and I always light one on Father’s Day to remember our dads. Mine passed away 10 years ago on July 14; Sam’s died three years ago this month.

I also ordered a set of three clever wipey things by Targus to buff the grimy fingerprints off our new iPad. In the meantime I’m using the chamois that came with an eyeglass cleaner kit I bought at Costco.

Some BIG EVENTS coming up this week! On Thursday Sam and I are driving to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma to dine at Butterfield’s Buffet — they have SUGAR-FREE PIE — and play our favorite slots. A photo of Butterfield’s appears below. In addition to sugar-free pie I really love their hot & sour soup, which is extremely hot and extremely sour.

On Friday afternoon our computer technician (Betty) is coming over to upgrade our Macs with the latest operating system, synch them with our iPad and install the latest Adobe Creative Suite software. This is A VERY HUGE HOO-HAH and I’m so excited I might have a nervous breakdown.

In the meantime I think I’ll just go to bed. Thank you for reading this.

The man who changed my life before Sam.

A couple of hours ago Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple, Inc., and I’m so choked up I almost can’t write this post. Although Steve didn’t mention his health in the press release, you’d have to be pretty dense not to figure it out for yourself: “I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple’s CEO, I would be the first to let you know. Unfortunately, that day has come.”

Steve Jobs was the man who changed my life before Sam. It happened 27 years ago when he launched my career in the creative arts with the introduction of the first Macintosh computer — an adorable little sweetie with 128K RAM, a nine-inch black and white display and no hard drive (see right). The first Mac may look idiotic to you twentysomethings out there, but trust me, in 1984 it was PURE GENIUS. Over the years my Macintosh computers have allowed me to publish a cookbook, create at least a dozen different newsletters, run two national businesses, develop websites, write three blogs and design thousands of idiotic greeting cards.

The bottom line is, Steve’s resignation makes me feel slightly nauseated. During the last four years he’s battled pancreatic cancer and survived a liver transplant; now he’s skinny as a skeleton and resigning from Apple without really saying WHY. I’m sure his inner circle knows the truth, and it can’t be good.

Steve Jobs is only 56 years old. Visionaries should have a much longer life expectancy than that. A minimum of 125 years should be mandatory.

And now I want to check the progress of our new cedar arbor, which has been under construction in the back yard since 10 this morning. The work crew is still here. After an afternoon high of 104° we had a “cold front” slide through the area, knocking the air temperature down to a frosty 84°. So they’re probably taking advantage of it. I wouldn’t mind if they all spent the night out there, but only if they turn off their stupid radio.

Thank you for reading this.

Summer heat and the latest Jobs report.

There’s not much to do around here this week except roll a mountain of coins and watch the thermometer climb. It was 99° today in the Dallas area -— hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk if you don’t mind the bugs and grime. Me, I just stay inside when the weather’s like this.

On this date in 1692 a massive earthquake and tsunami destroyed the depraved, pirate-infested town of Port Royal, Jamaica. For an exposé on pre-earthquake living conditions in Port Royal you should take a look at Errol Flynn’s masterpiece, Captain Blood. Also ... on this date in 1962 Credit Suisse opened the first drive-through bank in Zurich, Switzerland, and in 1937 actress Jean Harlow died of kidney failure at the age of 26.

And now you’re all caught up on history.

In other news, acclaimed visionary — and my personal god — Steve Jobs took the stage yesterday at San Francisco’s Moscone Center to introduce the Mac’s new “Lion” operating system and Apple’s new iCloud service. Unfortunately, at the moment Jobs is looking skinner than the latest iPod and he’s scaring me half to death.

The Howdygram has launched an official program to send Steve an ongoing supply of Twinkies and In-N-Out Burger gift cards. Click here if you’d like to contribute.

Thank you for reading this and don’t forget to enter our contest.

Reflecting on a thoroughly terrific day.

This has been one hell of a Saturday. Maybe the best Saturday we’ve ever had. The weather was sheer perfection ... 72°, clear skies, light breeze, bright sun. We began with a drive to Hong Kong Royal for dim sum, which (in my view) is the only sensible way to launch the weekend because I love hot chili sauce on just about ANYTHING except chocolate pudding and breath mints. Unfortunately, when we got home we discovered that Sam’s Macintosh computer had died in its sleep, but this really wasn’t too traumatic because his Mac was already six years old — ANCIENT for a computer — and had enjoyed a full, productive life. So we visited Apple.com and ordered Sam a cool new iMac that’s exactly like mine. It should be here on Tuesday. The iMac below agreed to pose for the Howdygram.

Feeling sated after our online shopping spree Sam asked if I’d like to go for another drive, so we bounced back into the car and headed to Sunnyvale to wave at cattle (sometimes they even wave back) and do a test-run to the Texas Regional Medical Center because Sam is scheduled for out-patient surgery on Thursday morning and we wanted to check out the facilities. On the way back we discovered a classic car show in a strip mall parking lot so we stopped and walked around for an hour. Seriously, these cars weren’t just somebody’s hobbies ... they were genuine works of art with pristine paint jobs and engines cleaner than my kitchen. Sam and I love classic cars!

As the perfect ending to a perfect day, for dinner we picked up a pile of barbecue from Dickey’s and watched A Night at the Opera. Sam fell asleep sometime during Harpo’s big number on the steerage deck and he’s still unconscious on the couch as I write this post (Sam, not Harpo).

Ssshh. And thank you for reading this.

Don't try this at home.

In an ongoing effort to provide optimum care and maintenance for our expensive electronics, on Tuesday morning Sam decided to bathe his Apple keyboard and wireless mouse with a cup of hot coffee. It didn’t take us long to figure out these devices were either highly allergic to caffeine or dry-clean only, since both were rendered completely useless within five minutes, leaving Sam with nothing else to do but watch “People’s Court” reruns with a bagel. (I was busy doing other things.)

But being a swell and devoted wife, tonight while Sam was at work I ordered a new keyboard and mouse for him from Fry’s Electronics in Garland for store pickup later today after 9 a.m. It’s not likely Sam will get there anytime before noon, however, because he’s still at the office (it’s already after 1 a.m.) and probably won’t get home until sun-up. I’ll leave a light on in the hall.

Incidentally, please let me know if anybody’s interested in contributing to the Howdygram’s new fundraiser: NOSE PLUGS FOR AUSTRALIA. I don’t know where all that damn flood water is coming from, but if the photos I’ve seen are any indication apparently the entire eastern half of the country is now beachfront property (even in the mountains) ... and nose plugs are probably Australia’s #1 need aside from a lot of paper towels.

Click here if you’d like to make a donation, and thank you for reading this.

Meet the newest addition to the Marks family.

I meant to post a photo of my new iMac computer a couple of days ago ... but better late than never, right? Here it is in all its widescreen glory. This is definitely the fastest computer on the planet, and Apple’s new Magic Mouse is particularly amazing. It’s a cordless Bluetooth device that lets you scroll through documents, folders and pages (up and down, left and right) like you would on an iPhone, with a two-finger swipe. Incidentally, I also upgraded to the latest version of Adobe Creative Suite, which includes InDesign, Illustrator, Photoshop, Acrobat, Dreamweaver, Fireworks, Flash and more. One of these days I’ll definitely have to stop playing with my new toys and get back to work here. Please feel free to post a comment or send an email to wish me mazel tov. And now I’m going back to bed. Thank you.

Sometimes we get what we deserve.

U.S. snowboard cross hotshot Lindsey Jacobellis screwed up her chances for an Olympic win today when she veered off course during the semi-finals and failed to qualify for the medal round. Know what? I LOVE THIS NEWS. Lindsey Jacobellis is the same screwball who loused up her chance for a gold medal at the 2006 Olympics in Torino by showboating during the final seconds of the race, landing on her ass (see video clip below) and then spending the next four years refusing to admit what she did even though the whole world saw it on live TV. She’s STILL trying to make everybody believe it was just a “snowboard trick that didn’t work.” BALONEY. Even the sports commentators knew what she did. I, for one, can’t wait to see the video clip of today’s semi-final run. (To my readers: I apologize if you think I’m being a snot, but it really feels terrific to vent like this now and then.)

In other news that has absolutely nothing to do with the winter Olympics, MY NEW MACINTOSH COMPUTER WAS INSTALLED YESTERDAY. It’s truly a thing of beauty and I want to thank Steve Jobs and his Macintosh gods for their latest creation. Have a nice day and shalom to everybody!

Things to do on Valentine's Day.

Seriously, it really isn’t my intention to print a list of suggested activities for Valentine’s Day, such as taking somebody out for a club sandwich with fries and a dill pickle, shlepping home a few chocolates, blowing up balloons or splurging on a bouquet of flowery whatevers. Instead I’ll discuss what’s happening right here at the Howdygram nerve center, which is always a hub of excitement and adventure. Okay, maybe not.

For one thing, let’s all take a moment to remember recently-deceased Captain Phil from the Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” TV series, who conked out last week on board his Alaskan crab fishing boat Cornelia Marie. If you’ve never watched this show, you should really treat yourself. It’s about five boats filled with lunatic crab fishermen as they zoom around the Bering Sea in the dead of winter dodging hurricane-force winds, thousand-foot waves and ice chunks the size of South Dakota. Captain Phil’s diet apparently consisted of bacon, Red Bull and Marlboros, so his death at age 53 was no huge surprise.

Today I’m also celebrating the arrival of my new iMac computer, which arrived last night (no kidding) via FedEx Ground. It’s still in the box because I stopped installing my own computer hardware about 10 years ago. I hire people to do that for me now! I had an excellent professional set-up dude when I lived in California and I’ve got another one here in Dallas, except her name is Betty. As soon as all this gorgeous new stuff is up and running I’ll post a photo on the Howdygram. Thank you for reading this ... and happy Valentine’s Day, y’all.

The morning after.

It’s official. According to a report on the Dallas Morning News’ website a few minutes ago, we got a foot of snow yesterday ... that’s a record snowfall for the Dallas area, a very big hoo-hah and definitely a once-in-a-lifetime experience for almost everybody who lives here. A typical winter in Dallas produces maybe one or two inches of snow ... and usually NOT on the same day! Keep in mind ... we have no boots, no shovels, no snow blowers, no windshield scrapers, no plows to clear the side streets and NO ROAD SALT. Everything on the ground froze solid at daybreak when the temperature dropped to 29°, so basically the entire metroplex will be paralyzed until this mess starts to melt later on today.

You don’t need to feel sorry for us, however. By tomorrow the temperature here will be back into the 50s with sunshine, which is normal for Texas at this time of year. Thank God.

I guess the only real snag is whether or not FedEx Ground will show up today with my new Macintosh computer. Online tracking still says they’re on schedule for a February 12 delivery, but I probably won’t know what’s what until later on today. Stay tuned for breaking news.

Making the best of insomnia.

Know what? I got up to go to the bathroom around 4 a.m. and wound up spending a substantial pile of moolah on Apple.com. I just ordered my brand new Macintosh computer. I’m so damn excited I could poop in my pants.

This is basically the same iMac system I’ve been ogling for the last couple of months — with the high-definition display, Intel Core 2 Duo processor and a wireless mouse and keyboard — although I decided NOT to go with Apple’s biggest and most expensive model because I really don’t need a monitor that’s wider than my car or a 2TB hard drive. (Just between us, I have a lot of trouble conceptualizing the size of a terabyte anyway, which is the same as 1,000 gigabytes. That’s more storage than I’d use in ten lifetimes.) And since I saved some money by choosing a less outrageous system I decided to add on Apple’s three-year protection plan (worth every penny) and asked them to pre-install the latest edition of Microsoft Office.

I think Sam would want me to wake him up with the big news, so I’d better head back to bed now. Thank you for reading this!

The truth be told: I’m a nerd.

Last night I watched an amazing special on CNBC, a documentary about Macintosh fanatics called “MacHeads” that finally put into perspective something that Sam has known (and I’ve suspected) for years: I’m a nerd.

I was drawn into nerdland by my first husband Milt, a ham radio enthusiast and the undisputed King of All Nerds, who noodled around on a 5K Commodore VIC-20 computer as far back as 1980. We advanced to the Commodore 64 two years later, and in 1984 I saw my first Mac when it was still brand new on the market and prohibitively expensive. I sold my soul to buy one the following year and never owned anything else since.

Yes, it’s a cult. I’m a nerd and I admit it. This is what happens to tech pioneers.

In true nerdlike fashion I can recite every Mac I’ve ever owned, including the RAM, the ROM, the size of the hard drives, the year I bought them and the software I used. Actually, my first three Macs had no hard drives at all; the operating system, fonts (there were only three: Helvetica, Times and Courier) and software fit on a single 400K floppy disk with room to spare.

I had the first editions of Adobe Illustrator and PageMaker in 1988 and bought the very first inkjet printer that same year, a Hewlett Packard DeskWriter, for $1,200 even though it only printed in one color (black) and nobody had bothered to invent compatible inkjet paper to go with it. It took six months of trial-and-error to finally discover the only inkjet-friendly paper on the market — Neenah’s Classic Crest Solar White — and I even wrote an article about it for MacUser magazine. (I’m not joking about this.) Until that time I’d been plodding along with a 72dpi dot-matrix AppleWriter because nobody in my universe could afford a laser printer. (The average price in the late 1980s was still $6,500.) I finally bought my first 20-megabyte hard drive in 1991 for $795.

So why am I telling you all this? Because my iMac G5 is already five years old, and this spring I’m planning to buy a new iMac with a 27-inch display that blows high-definition out of the water. It’s truly a thing of beauty, equipped with 3.06GHz Intel Core 2 Duo and 2560 x 1440 resolution, 4GB of memory, a 1TB hard drive, wireless keyboard and Super Mouse, 8x double-layer SuperDrive and ATI Radeon HD 4670 graphics. And it actually sells for far less than my first Mac back in 1985, which cost almost $2,000. I LOVE PROGRESS. (And please don’t tell Sam, but I also love Steve Jobs.) Thank you for reading this.