I find it ironic to have a toothache but no teeth.

In this post: Crap held hostage, a Putz of the Week.

There’s something amiss right now at Howdygram headquarters. UPS and FedEx have totally loused up their pre-holiday deliveries, and all the packages I was expecting yesterday and today have been rescheduled until tomorrow (hopefully) for no apparent reason whatsoever. The online tracking information simply says “EXCEPTION.” Really? An exception to what, exactly? You’re holding my damn crap* hostage! I WANT MY DAMN CRAP AND I WANT IT NOW!

Friends don’t let friends vote for Romney.

Here at Howdygram headquarters it’s been a strange and lazy day fraught with conflicts, which I’ll elaborate for you below.

Conflict #1. I conked out on the chaise in the family room before Sam left for work at 1:15 so I didn’t get a chance to tell him he looked cute and have a nice day. I hate that. To cheer myself up afterwards I ordered four squeezy bottles of Koop’s Spicy Brown Deli Mustard from the National Mustard Museum. Mustard solves everything.

Conflict #2. I want a large quantity of hot food for dinner tonight but don’t feel like cooking. My available options include: 1) continuing to whine; 2) hiring servants; or 3) ordering things from China City. I’ll probably pick door number three.

Conflict #3. I’m sick of the presidential election and November 6 can’t come soon enough. My final thought on the subject: FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS VOTE FOR ROMNEY. President Obama and I thank you.

In other news, Sam and I will continue to celebrate my birthday this weekend with a Saturday shopping excursion to the brand new Trader Joe’s in Plano and brunch on Sunday at Blue Mesa. While Blue Mesa is a favorite of ours and their brunch is consistently wonderful — unlimited guacamole! steak fajitas! adobe pies! teeny omelets! — I’m especially hysterical about our plans for Saturday because I haven’t set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2007. Holy crap, I’ve had my grocery list ready for TWO YEARS! Be sure to check in with the Howdygram over the weekend for late-breaking updates.

And finally ... from our Advanced Fruit Instruction department and the helpful screwballs at Foodbeast.com, I’m pleased to post the following educational video that demonstrates how to shuck a strawberry. I seriously can’t wait to try this, which gives you some idea what kind of life I lead.



I want to call China City now. Thank you for reading this.

The sushi tray that got away and other tales of interest.

For the thousands of you keeping track of my health issues, lab results and expanding regimen of prescription medications I’m pleased to report that I finally have an appointment for a “baseline” kidney ultrasound … 9:30 a.m. on August 28 at Baylor Medical Center in Garland.

I’m thinking about asking Sam to come with me so we can turn this into a fun outing and stop for Senior Scrambled Eggs at Denny’s on the way home. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Baylor Medical Center in Garland; and C) Denny’s. Please send an email if you’d like to join us at Denny’s so I can get a table that’s big enough. Thank you.

In case you’re wondering, I didn’t write a post yesterday because Sam and I were too busy eating and sleeping after a morning excursion to Costco, where we loaded our cart with the following awesome crap:

• chicken salad
• tortellini pasta salad
• a carton of charcoal-grilled hamburger patties
• lots of sliced cheese
• sliced up rotisserie chicken for sandwiches
• a tub of tasty mozzarella balls floating in olive oil
• steak flautas
• three pounds of pistachios
• a sack of crumbled bacon
• dried apricots in big, big bag
• two dozen really cute peeled hard-boiled eggs

I also wanted a party-size platter of assorted sushi (see below) but Sam managed to talk me out of it at the last minute. I recovered from my disappointment when he consented to a large quantity of PEELED HARD-BOILED EGGS, easily the most brilliant invention ever not counting cruise control and penicillin. I made us a pile of deviled eggs as soon as we got home.

From our Two-Slugs-On-A-Couch department, we watched a number of interesting movies this weekend, including: 1) Professional Soldier (1935) with Victor McLaglen and Freddie Bartholomew; 2) Listen, Darling (1938) with Judy Garland, Freddie Bartholomew, Mary Astor and Walter Pidgeon; 3) North by Northwest (1959) with Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint; and 4) Hatfields and McCoys (2012) with Kevin Costner and Bill Paxton. Numbers one through three were terrific. Concerning number four, Hatfields and McCoys was a barbaric hillbilly nightmare that SUCKED and we deleted it from our DVR less than 20 minutes after we started watching. I couldn’t even look at the screen.

I have no idea how or why this redneck hatefest was nominated for so many Emmy awards. Holy crap, who in their right mind would consider children being shot in the head with rifles — only because they have the wrong last name — to be ENTERTAINMENT. Personally, I’m much happier with fine programming like “Hardcore Pawn” and “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

For the record, I placed my very first online order today with the National Mustard Museum store for the fine products pictured below. This website receives a Howdygram recommendation for being hilarious, clever and a genuinely fun place to spend money! The owner (and museum curator) is Barry Levenson, Wisconsin’s former attorney general, who resigned from law in 1991 to devote his life to mustard. (I am absolutely, positively NOT KIDDING about this.) Barry’s regular email newsletter (subscribe here) is just as adorable as his website. He is shown at right wearing official apparel from his Poupon U. collection. Perfect Hanukkah presents for all your favorite Jewish mustard lovers, which probably number in the thousands.

All of a sudden I have a huge craving for bratwurst. Thank you for reading this.