It’s not every senior citizen who gets two Sausage McMuffins without begging.

In this post: Food.

Pictured above is McDonald’s world-famous Sausage McMuffin — the Howdygram’s all-time favorite breakfast sandwich not counting braunschweiger on low-carb white toast with sweet relish — and Sam is on his way to McDonald’s RIGHT THIS MINUTE to grab a pair of these fine babies for me. Actually, he goes on a doughnut run every Saturday morning and stops at McDonald’s for me on the way home, but I’m thankful just the same. It’s not every senior citizen who gets two Sausage McMuffins without begging ... AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM! Holy crap, am I lucky or what?

Maybe we’ll go for a ride today. I’ll even wear a brassiere and shoes.

In this post: Quakes, bags, dumplings.

I just read on CNN.com that Los Angeles had a 5.1-magnitude earthquake last night followed by a bunch of smaller aftershocks. The quake’s epicenter was in Fullerton (in Orange County) but shaking was felt all over the region, including the Hollywood Hills, Rodeo Drive, beautiful downtown Burbank and the usual list of snooty stores and restaurants. Also palm trees. Sam and I have a lot of family in L.A. and we both hope you’re all okay and nobody’s bathroom mirror fell off. EARTHQUAKES ARE SCARY.

Today has been a whirlwind of senior citizen excitement.

In this post: Rain, baloney, bargains, speedy meals.

I don’t believe it, people. IT RAINED HERE TODAY! As a matter of fact, it rained HARD for several consecutive hours and, as I write this post, I can still hear thunder somewhere in the distance. (It’s probably heading into Arkansas.) The following screenshot from Weather.com was taken about an hour ago. The big red star in the middle denotes Howdygram headquarters. Everything here is really, really wet right now.

Hey, Jeremy. You stink.

In this post: Sunshine, Spam, Jeremy Abbott.

Happy Saturday, boys and girls! It’s a glorious morning here at Howdygram headquarters, featuring: 1) warm weather and sunshine; 2) a pantry full of Vienna sausages; 3) Sam is coming home from California tomorrow; and 4) MY KNEES DON’T HURT FOR THE SECOND CONSECUTIVE DAY. I don’t know if item 4 is related to item 1 but I’m definitely feeling damn good right now. I’d celebrate with a cartwheel except there’s nobody here to call 911 afterwards.

Togetherness and Vienna sausages are essential for a happy marriage.

In this post: Classy seating, date night.

Anybody remember the miserable tale of my new office chair? The one I waited THREE MONTHS for on back order … and then it finally arrived in mid-December CRAPPY AND DEFECTIVE? (See earlier post.) We finally shipped the damn thing back to Brylane Home for a refund, and a couple of hours ago I found a very terrific replacement online that looks like it can’t possibly break no matter what because it doesn’t have any levers, handles, adjustments, lumbar supports, knobs, casters or pneumatic lifts. IT’S JUST A CHAIR. But it’s nice one, really solid, with arms and fluffy cushions.

We’re experiencing a lovely blast of early spring.

In this post: Flu fatalities continue, spring in Dallas, lobstermania.

I’d like to begin this post with a swine flu update, okay? There were SEVEN MORE FATALITIES yesterday in Dallas County, bringing our current total to 26. Nearly all of these are teens and healthy younger adults … NOT infants, senior citizens or people with crappy immune systems, who are usually the high-risk groups. Personally, I really don’t worry about getting swine flu for a couple of very good reasons: 1) I had a flu shot in November; and 2) I never leave the house.

Cottonelle Clean Care with Very Stupid Ripples is ruining my life.

In this post: Water from the sky, bad toilet paper.

It’s a dark and crappy Saturday morning due to substantial very cold rain all around the Dallas metro area. For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Hong Kong Royal in Carrollton where we can’t go for dim sum today because it’s too far, too cold and too wet; and C) the location of our favorite Costco in Rockwall. (We’re not doing Costco today, either.) I, for one, plan to stay indoors with Sam, The Bishop’s Wife and a can of Hormel tamales.

I have a leaky bladder and seriously congested nasal whatnots.

In this post: Kvetch report, a special delivery.

SATURDAY MORNING, 5 A.M. I’ve got a kvetch report to share with y’all. I woke up about 20 minutes ago because my feet were annoying me (it’s diabetic neuropathy in case you need to know) and I couldn’t breathe due to seriously congested nasal whatnots. I’m also really really thirsty but I don’t feel motivated enough yet to shlep myself into the kitchen for a Marcytini. Maybe in a few minutes. We’ll see.

Please don’t get too close. I’m not wearing a brassiere.

In this post: Adventures in snacking, an epic nap, wayward thunderstorms.

It’s very late Saturday afternoon and I just woke up from an unexpected nap of truly epic proportions. For instance, shortly after lunch I decided to put my feet up for a few minutes (famous last words) but remained unconscious for nearly THREE HOURS while Sam roamed through the house doing God knows what. At the moment I’m feeling pretty damn good but slightly hungry, the latter of which I’ll address momentarily with some low-carb Lowrey’s microwave pork rinds and a can of my new Cheap Generic Jalapeño Cheese Dip from DollarTree.com. These are pictured below for your possible interest.

There is no brunette writhing on the floor in a low-cut red bathrobe at any time during this film.

In this post: Atomic zombies to the rescue.

I think somebody drugged me this morning because I’ve been asleep almost ALL DAY. For example, I woke up at 7:30 after seven hours of sleep and felt mostly swell, although by 9:45 — just about the time I finished my previous Howdygram post — I could barely keep my eyes open and went back to bed, presumably for another hour of sleep. Unfortunately I didn’t actually wake up until 1:15 in the afternoon, at which time Sam and I immediately ate lunch, watched Creature with the Atom Brain on TCM (details follow), and then I sprawled out on the chaise and fell asleep AGAIN, waking up about 10 minutes ago at 6:25. I’m told I missed two huge rounds of thunderstorms this afternoon. (Crap.)

Shaquille O’Neal soda has his face on every can.

It was 106° in Mesquite today, people. Holy crap … OUR HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR SO FAR. The good thing is, tomorrow is September, the days are getting shorter and temperatures should be trending lower over the next few weeks with occasional blasts of Arctic air plummeting us into the upper 90s. To tell you the truth, if it had been hot like this back in May or early June I’d be mighty depressed about another unbearably hot summer like last year and the year before. (And the year before that, too.)

Sam and I went to Hong Kong Royal in Carrollton today for dim sum, and I have to admit … they actually had some damn wonderful LOW-CARB DUMPLING OPTIONS made with tofu instead of noodles! Two hours after lunch my blood sugar was only 111, which was excellent.

Show of hands. Do any of you know that Shaquille O’Neal has his own line of soft drinks? With his face on every can?

Despite the fact that Shaq’s signature beverages were originally supposed to be DIET drinks, one 23.5-oz. can contains 72 grams of sugar — equal to 17 teaspoons — which has pissed off a number of health-conscious consumer groups. The Center for Science in the Public Interest issued a press release pointing out Shaq’s previous history of diabetes activism and called his endorsement of a high-sugar soft drink “shameful hypocrisy, presumably motivated by money.” Shaq? Motivated by money? STFU.

Thank you for reading this.

If I were you, I’d sleep with one eye open tonight.

You know how it is. Some Saturdays are better than others. For Sam and me, though, today was PERFECT. We slept like a couple of rocks last night, woke up early and drove to the other end of town for dim sum at Hong Kong Royal, which included lots of hot sauce, nice waitresses and unlimited napkins. This was so much fun I almost couldn’t stand it.

Our perfect Saturday didn’t end here, however. When we got home we watched two deliciously shitty movies, Irwin Allen’s Five Weeks in a Balloon (1962) starring a typical gang a 1960s actors looking for a fast paycheck, and The Blob (1958) starring Steve McQueen, Helen Crump and a wad of homicidal caramel. We’ll discuss Five Weeks in a Balloon first.

It’s amazing how thoroughly Irwin Allen can destroy a story with possibilities, this time a 19th century Jules Verne classic about a bunch of Brits ballooning over Africa. The characters are all cartoonish — especially Peter Lorre as a fake Arab with crappy sprayed-on makeup and Billy Gilbert doing his old-time radio sneezing shtick — and the females are always helpless, half-dressed and “in distress.” And we definitely didn’t need Fabian singing the title song three times with an accordion.

And now The Blob, a late 1950s sci-fi flop that introduced the world to Steve McQueen. Steve was almost 30 when he made this film but was cast as a teenager alongside deadpan Aneta Corsaut (whose next big break was Helen Crump in “The Andy Griffith Show”) and an amorphous mass of oozing caramel trying to take over their town. They finally manage to get the man-eating caramel under control by freezing it with fire extinguishers, then asking the U.S. government to haul it by air to the Arctic circle to keep it frozen forever.

Unfortunately, people, global warming may do the unthinkable. If I were you, I’d sleep with one eye open tonight.

Here’s a little something from our Fun with Beverages department! For those of you with a little too much time on your hands the Howdygram is pleased to include the following educational video courtesy of Foodbeast.com. I actually want to try this.

Two more things to cap off my perfect Saturday. First, MORE NEW FONTS! I totally love some of these, particularly Avalanche, Cocktail Script, Emblem Chief and all those cool ampersands.

Second, I think I’ll head back to the family room now with Sam to watch Key Largo (1948) starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall accompanied by chocolate soy milk and a bowl of green olives. (The soy milk and olives are mine. Poor Sam is not a gourmet.)

Dairy Queen sucks if you have diabetes.

Hello from Howdygram headquarters, where I’ve spent nearly all day doing nothing and wasting time. Two of my favorite hobbies! To inject a little fun into the mix here are today’s purchases from a quick Amazon shopping trip: 1) EZ Sweetz; 2) an AccuSharp knife sharpener; 3) a couple of swivel outlets for the kitchen; and 4) a used hardcover copy of “The New Joys of Yiddish” by Leo Rosten for $1.15. I realized I needed item two when I couldn’t slice a tomato on Thursday. Holy crap.

Sam promised to take me to lunch tomorrow at Cafe Greek in Dallas so I can eat some baked fish with sesame seeds. We almost went today except there was a threat of severe weather so we stayed home. Unfortunately, in the end we didn’t get any storms and I didn’t get my fish. And I really wanted that damn fish. I drowned my disappointment with a FOUR-HOUR AFTERNOON NAP (God, it was wonderful) and might be craving something spicy for dinner from China City. As I write this post Sam is down the street at Dairy Queen eating a Blizzard. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Dairy Queen. I didn’t go with him because Dairy Queen sucks if you have diabetes. (I have diabetes.)

As long as I’m on a fast-food theme here’s the latest from Burger King just in time for Father’s Day … the HANDS-FREE WHOPPER HOLDER. Burger King’s product-of-the-century isn’t available yet in stores but is being test-marketed by 50,000 willing customers who apparently don’t mind walking around in public looking like Trigger with a feed-bag. My question is, where do you hang the fries?

A couple of days ago I made a huge decision in my push towards retirement: Effective July 1 Ovation Creative will no longer accept credit cards. Glorioski! I’m so excited I could slap somebody! Credit card processing is a financial and logistical pain in the ass that suffocates you with fees, surcharges and red tape. The only people who get a break are huge businesses with huge sales volume; everybody else just goes broke. And then there’s the annual PCI Compliance Self-Assessment Questionnaire — required by the Payment Card Industry (PCI) Data Security Standards (DSS) Einsteins — which is an idiotic online mess of incomprehensible questions. If you don’t understand something (easy to do) and answer incorrectly (also easy to do), you could wind up paying big bucks in penalties even if you have no idea what they’re talking about. A sample section of the questionnaire appears below.

How many employees do you have?
I have no employees.

How do your employees protect sensitive cardholder data?
I have no employees.

How often are employees coached on approved methods for protecting sensitive cardholder data?
I have no employees.

How many employees have been disciplined for not protecting sensitive cardholder data?
I have no employees.

Explain how these employees have been disciplined for not protecting sensitive cardholder data.
What the hell is wrong with you? I HAVE NO DAMN EMPLOYEES!

I think you get my drift.

And now I should probably figure out what to eat for dinner because it’s already 8:30. I’ve decided to skip China City and will go instead with a bowl of cole slaw, a leftover low-carb biscuit and a couple of my favorite pre-cooked Angus burgers that nuke in only three minutes with melty Mexican Velveeta on top. Please send an email as soon as possible if you’d like to join me, okay? Thank you.

Meet Louie Gohmert, our Putz of the Week and king of the conspiracy theories.

Hello, and welcome to Saturday night at Howdygram headquarters! I almost didn’t write a post tonight but changed my mind at the last minute. Sam is conked out in the family room watching a screwy movie from the 1960s called Wake Me When It’s Over starring Ernie Kovacs and Don Knotts, but personally I’m feeling a little restless and think maybe it would be fun to hop in the car and drive all over downtown Dallas for a while. Except I’d have to wear shoes and a brassiere, and I’m definitely not motivated enough for anything as radical as THAT. So the hell with it.

Know what? It’s time for a Putz of the Week award! Tonight we’re honoring another Texan because there’s no shortage of politicians in this state who clearly suffer from blunt head trauma. Our latest honoree is GOP Congressman Louie Gohmert, the patron saint of marginally-literate east Texas racists, a card-carrying “birther” and king of the conspiracy theories, who claims to have a handle on how America can avoid future tragedies like the Boston Marathon terror bombing: Build a great big wall to keep out radical Mexican fundamentalists.

Gohmert told CSPAN, “We know Al Qaeda has camps with the drug cartels on the other side of the Mexican border. We know that people are now being trained to come in and act like Mexicans when they’re radical Islamics. We know these things are happening and it’s just insane not to protect ourselves.” Except pretending to be an undocumented Mexican to avoid suspicion with Texas law enforcement is maybe the lousiest infiltration strategy EVER.

And there’s not a single shred of evidence that what he says is true. As usual.

Louie Gohmert, incidentally, is the same putz who made that infamous conspiracy speech to Congress in 2010 about the danger of “terror babies” and then ranted like a lunatic in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, which appears below for your possible interest and amusement. Just one more shining moment for the Lone Star State. Holy crap. (You deserve a round of applause if you can sit through the entire video without shoving your foot through the screen.)



I think I might need a nice movie now and a late-night snack, maybe a bag of low-carb Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls and a sour cream dip or pickles & biscuits. (I love pickles & biscuits.) See you tomorrow, okay?

Three Fairfax County Einsteins invent “gallon smashing.”

Saturdays are usually wonderful at Howdygram headquarters because we always go places and eat things. Today, however, has been just plain WEIRD. The weirdness started around 6:15 this morning when Sam woke me up to tell me it’s thundering, after which I muttered a heartfelt thankyou and we went back to sleep until 11 a.m. THAT’S NOT A TYPO. We slept until 11. Both of us!

Following a forgettable lunch at noon (I think I had two leftover biscuits and a Slim Jim) we immediately laid down in the family room and — go on, guess! — took an afternoon nap. Mine only lasted about an hour but Sam is still unconscious ... and it’s almost time for dinner! Frankly, I’m a little worried. Either he isn’t feeling well or he has some great drugs he hasn’t told me about.

Need more weirdness? Check out this video of a new fad conceived by a trio of deranged prep school Einsteins in snooty Fairfax County, Virginia. It’s called “gallon smashing,” and they got away with this terrifying horseshit at seven major supermarkets until local authorities finally caught up with them. The Einsteins considered it a “prank” but police completely disagreed and charged them with multiple counts of destruction of property and disorderly conduct. Take a look.



The useless brats in this video are a pair of teenage brothers and their cousin who used cell phones to film each other destroying gallon jugs of milk and orange juice, frightening customers and employees, and frequently pretending to be seriously injured. WTF? I can’t begin to describe how thankful I am that I never had children. Seriously.

I need Mongolian chicken and I need it NOW. Pass the soy sauce.

The Russell Stover factory store is an ideal destination for a diabetic pilgrimage.

Because I’m frequently obsessed with this subject I’ve decided to do a mostly all-food Howdygram post this afternoon!

I guess you can think of it like a pizza in a pizza in a pizza. Pizza Hut Singapore calls it their “Double Sensation Pizza” just in time for Christmas dinner with a scary list of nauseating ingredients: “Two unique crusts, one stuffed with cheesy sausage and another with 3-flavor cheese, topped with succulent smoked chicken and rolls of turkey ham lunch meat on two tantalizing sauces – Pepper Alfredo and Salsa.”

Judging from the image posted above, other ingredients include sliced zucchini, red and green bell pepper, mushrooms, cheese nipples and elves. Yes, there’s a maraschino cherry on top. The only thing missing is Pepto Bismol.

From the Wonderful World of Alcohol comes a new product line by Devotion Vodka scheduled for release in 2013: Shaquille O’Neil’s “Luv Shaq” flavored vodkas, which are sugar-free and gluten-free for health-conscious drunks and athletes. An article in the New York Post says the bottles will feature a sexy image of O’Neal with giant wings. Holy crap. Gouge my eyes out.

And finally, I can’t help shaking my head in amazement at the latest failure in Congress as Speaker of the House John Boehner gets kicked to the curb by practically everybody. While Republicans will assuredly go down for their pointless infighting, posturing and outrageous efforts to protect only the wealthiest Americans, now they’ve even revolted against Boehner as he looks for a way out of the fiscal cliff crisis, which is currently being held at gunpoint by the right-wing halfwits in his own party.

While the Democrats push for middle class tax relief, Republicans are still harping on breaks for the top one percent ... which means the Democrats are in an excellent position to retake the House in 2014. I say the sooner the better. Just tell me where to send my check.

Whoa. I found out a few minutes ago that Boehner is only 5'6" tall. Why doesn’t somebody just smack the crap out of him?

Around 11 this morning Sam and I hit the road for a nice 75-mile drive to our favorite barbecue restaurant in Fairfield, Texas, except when we pulled into the parking lot it looked like half the state got there 15 minutes before we did. The joint was MOBBED. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t such a hot idea to pick a restaurant on I-45 halfway between Dallas and Houston during the busiest travel day of the year. So ... to perk up my spirits on the way home I conned Sam into stopping at the Russell Stover factory store in Corsicana for some sugar-free chocolate. THIS PLACE IS THE REAL DEAL, PEOPLE! It’s a gigantic CHOCOLATE SUPERMARKET across from the Russell Stover manufacturing plant and an ideal destination for a diabetic pilgrimage. I tried to wheedle Sam into a chocolate marshmallow Santa but he wasn’t interested. NOT INTERESTED? Who doesn’t love chocolate marshmallow Santas? No kidding, that boy ain’t right.

For your possible interest, the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) the restaurant in Fairfield that was too damn crowded for lunch; and C) Russell Stover’s in Corsicana. They even do factory tours!

Thank you for reading this. I need a nap.

The Howdygram’s latest healthy breakfast recommendations and other Saturday news.

Sam and I had a truly wonderful Saturday, highlighted by a gem on Turner Classic Movies. We watched The Lone Ranger (1956) in glorious Technicolor with Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels fighting a gang of seriously nasty scoundrels in the wild west. This was a predictable, corny and hilariously entertaining film, right down to the classic ending — “who was that masked man?” — delivered by Bonita Granville (pictured at right) as the sexually-frustrated wife of a really snotty rancher. A portrait of the Lone Ranger and Tonto, who easily qualify for GQ’s best-dressed list, and a video clip of the original movie trailer appear below for your possible interest.

I also did some online shopping today and ordered a variety of essential yet affordable crap from Amazon, all of which will be delivered next week. I’d specifically like to call your attention to the stylus pen that appears in the image below ... a highly useful device and an intelligent investment because I’m having a little trouble adjusting to all the touchy-feely baloney required with our new iPad. Amazon sells a pack of three stylus pens for $1.46 — with free shipping and no sales tax — so I figure it’s worth a shot.

In case you’re looking for a couple of new healthy breakfast options, the Howdygram is pleased to introduce Vodka 360’s GLAZED DONUT VODKA and Taco Bell’s MTN DEW A.M., a hybrid and potentially lethal redneck cocktail of Mountain Dew and orange juice that’s available in their restaurants until 11 a.m.

Incidentally, a shot of Glazed Donut Vodka will only set you back 80 calories — as opposed to 250 or more for an actual glazed donut — and gets you plastered as an added bonus. This is an excellent way to start the day, cut back on sugar, show up at work happy as hell and save money at the same time. L’chiam, y’all, and thank you for reading this!

Dining without inspiration.

We’re having an exceptionally lazy Saturday, which so far has consisted of several back-to-back naps, reruns of “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover,” very little food and no desire at all to leave the house in 104° heat. Dinner-time has crept up on us, however, and apparently we’re faced with the ultimate decision — what the hell to eat when you’re not hungry, motivated or interested.

Sam, who is definitely NOT a foodie, says he’ll be happy with a bowl of cereal or the potato salad he bought at Tom Thumb this afternoon. My options are significantly more exciting: 1) cottage cheese; 2) leftover Szechwan tofu; 3) Schwan’s frozen mozzarella sticks; or 4) fat-free Ball Park turkey hotdogs minus buns because I don’t have any.

I’m not telling you any of this to make you jealous. Trust me.

Have a pleasant Saturday night and thank you for reading this.

A fabulous Saturday excursion.

Sam and I went for a long drive yesterday. We usually head north or east but this time we threw caution to the wind and decided to try south and west. A map of our route appears below.

We started at point A — our house in Mesquite — and drove 45 miles to Waxahachie (point B), where we were hoping to have lunch except we weren’t motivated to settle for KFC or Whataburger so we meandered another 20 miles south on country roads until we got to the town of Italy (point C). Unfortunately, Italy’s only dining options were squashed together at one intersection and included McDonald’s, a beef jerky outlet or pizza by the slice at an Exxon station, so we decided to stop horsing around and make a serious effort to find food. Sam merged onto I-35 and peeled rubber due north to the town of Red Oak (point D), where we eventually discovered a nice Denny’s on the service road. We were hungry enough to eat the napkins.

And now it’s finally time for bed. Sam has been asleep since midnight but I wanted to finish watching one of my all-time favorite movies, I Know Where I’m Going with Wendy Hiller. Thanks for stopping by. Next time y’all should bring some popcorn.

Reflecting on a thoroughly terrific day.

This has been one hell of a Saturday. Maybe the best Saturday we’ve ever had. The weather was sheer perfection ... 72°, clear skies, light breeze, bright sun. We began with a drive to Hong Kong Royal for dim sum, which (in my view) is the only sensible way to launch the weekend because I love hot chili sauce on just about ANYTHING except chocolate pudding and breath mints. Unfortunately, when we got home we discovered that Sam’s Macintosh computer had died in its sleep, but this really wasn’t too traumatic because his Mac was already six years old — ANCIENT for a computer — and had enjoyed a full, productive life. So we visited Apple.com and ordered Sam a cool new iMac that’s exactly like mine. It should be here on Tuesday. The iMac below agreed to pose for the Howdygram.

Feeling sated after our online shopping spree Sam asked if I’d like to go for another drive, so we bounced back into the car and headed to Sunnyvale to wave at cattle (sometimes they even wave back) and do a test-run to the Texas Regional Medical Center because Sam is scheduled for out-patient surgery on Thursday morning and we wanted to check out the facilities. On the way back we discovered a classic car show in a strip mall parking lot so we stopped and walked around for an hour. Seriously, these cars weren’t just somebody’s hobbies ... they were genuine works of art with pristine paint jobs and engines cleaner than my kitchen. Sam and I love classic cars!

As the perfect ending to a perfect day, for dinner we picked up a pile of barbecue from Dickey’s and watched A Night at the Opera. Sam fell asleep sometime during Harpo’s big number on the steerage deck and he’s still unconscious on the couch as I write this post (Sam, not Harpo).

Ssshh. And thank you for reading this.