It’s time to give up on the Olympics.

There’s a lot of hot breaking news to report tonight! The top stories from Howdygram headquarters are: 1) FedEx just dropped off our gigantic crate of sausages from Kreuz Market; 2) my lousy health issues are finally on the mend, including the lousy plantar fasciitis flare-up in my right heel and lousy joint pain due to an overdose of chia seeds; 3) I have 15 new fonts (see below); and 4) I can’t think of anything else.

In case you haven’t been paying attention, there was a coup today in Egypt! President Mohamed Morsi, pictured at right, has been placed under house arrest by throngs of screaming Egyptians, and Adly Mansour, head of Egypt’s Supreme Constitutional Court, is the new interim big cheese. Since I have no idea what the hell any of this means, the Howdygram’s official position will simply be HOLY CRAP until we can figure out what going on besides hysteria and cool fireworks.

From our Send in the Clowns department, on July 8 Governor Rick “Oops” Perry, the laughingstock of Texas, will announce his official 2016 run for the White House, thereby guaranteeing another landslide win for the Democrats and unlimited material for comedy writers from coast to coast.

I have no idea who’s advising this Einstein to get back onto the national stage, but it’s extremely clear here at home that the good people of Texas are sick of Rick Perry and his right-wing Christian Taliban. His message to America — providing he remembers the script — will be terrifying. Be sure to pay attention, okay?

Our foreign news desk reports that Islamist Chechen rebels have threatened to destroy, shit on and generally ruin the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, Russia, promising to use “every method provided by Allah” and “maximum force.” Know what? Any country that decides to show up for that debacle deserves what it gets. Islamic terrorists are deadly enough when we don’t know what they’re planning … can you imagine the mayhem when they announce this crap in advance? I wouldn’t go anywhere near that place, either as an athlete or a spectator. Good Lord.

Which brings me to my next point: I think it’s time to give up on the Olympics altogether. Host countries go bankrupt trying to outdo each other with outrageous infrastructure, the expense of massive stadiums, and venues for specific sports that nobody will ever use again. Plus there’s the security aspect, with morons and evildoers always threatening to pee in everybody’s Cheerios. I’m sick of the whole thing. Face it, does anybody really give a crap how fast some dude from Norway can hurl himself down the side of a mountain?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

If you ever see these miserable things on a shelf in the supermarket, run like hell.

Before I begin blogging about other less-important subjects I’d like to report that my adorable hero Sam successfully unclogged the kitchen sink when he got home from work Thursday night (see previous post) and the 2013 Kelp Noodle Disaster is now a distant memory.

Do yourself a favor. If you ever see these miserable things on a shelf in the supermarket, RUN LIKE HELL.

Friday was an up and down day around here, a description that refers specifically to my blood glucose numbers and ongoing whacked-out body temperature issues. I’ll try to keep it brief because you’re probably getting as bored with this crap as I am.

At 5 a.m. I wake up to go to the bathroom, which happens at least once every night to female senior citizens like yours truly, but on my way down the hall I’m disoriented, intoxicated and clammy — typical symptoms of hypoglycemia — so I end up in the study testing my blood sugar and find out I’ve hit an all-new low at 42. I chomp a couple of Wal-Mart glucose tablets (tasty!) and download a few new fonts until I feel steady enough to go back to bed. Later in the morning during a period of general achy crappiness I check my temperature: another personal best at 95.3°. Sam gets all panicky and decides our thermometer has to be broken because people who are not cadavers should have a body temperature considerably higher than that, so he goes to the drug store and comes home with a new one. Five minutes later I prove the old one wasn’t broken at all. Oy.

The aforementioned new fonts appear below. I love the arrows!

Saturday got off to a much better start, thank God, due to a couple of quick yet thorough Internet shopping excursions that included: 1) six cans of Folger’s hazelnut coffee from Soap.com; and 2) laundry essentials and two boxes of Mexican Velveeta from Wal-Mart. Incidentally, I’m trying Tide Pods for the very first time. The fact that I can’t wait is starting to scare me.

Since the Republican party has already launched its 2016 race to the White House, as evidenced by Rand Paul’s futile quote on MSNBC this morning that “Benghazi should stop Hillary Clinton from ever holding higher office” and the announcement of yet another round of desperate GOP-fueled Congressional Benghazi hearings, the Howdygram would like to set the record straight. Sure, four Americans were killed last fall in the attack on our embassy in Benghazi, Libya, but the GOP’s anger is a smoke screen and a bunch of BALONEY HORSESHIT as illustrated by the graphic below.

Thank you for reading this.

Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV.

I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t watch the election results yet because the presidential contest is still too close and Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV with my cane. Therefore, I’ve kept myself occupied this evening with two worthwhile non-political activities: 1) downloading free fonts; and 2) shopping for shoes.

First, the shoes. I ordered a nice pair of leather mules with stretchy things (see right) for shuffling around the Choctaw Casino and/or Trader Joe’s. I haven’t had any new shoes for a very long time because I rarely leave the house. In case you’re interested, I bought black, not silver, because I don’t want people to think I’m a floozy.

Second, the fonts. These were all FREE (with the exception of Captain Narrow, as explained in my previous post) from a variety of excellent free-font websites, including FontSquirrel.com, FontSpace.com and uFonts.com. Are these great, or what? Depending on how long it takes for MSNBC to declare a winner I might be downloading free fonts all night long. Holy crap.

Sam just got home from work so it’s finally time to turn on the TV and watch election results. Also because I think I have enough new fonts for the time being. Thank you.

Please don’t throw peanuts during the debates.

I’ve got a lot to say so let’s get started, okay? First and foremost, I’d like to report that we never got any of those “catastrophic” storms the National Weather Service predicted for us this morning (see post). Although I didn’t really want destructive weather — our big tornado outbreak on April 3 was more than enough — we also didn’t get any measurable rain today, either. Less than one-tenth of an inch. This sucks because north Texas is still on stage 3 water restrictions, which means we can only water our lawns twice a month. If we don’t get a little free water from the sky now and then we’ll be screwed.

And now for some breaking international news from Europe! Apparently the crackerjack police of Paris have seized 13 tons of contraband miniature Eiffel Towers. The owner of a Paris souvenir shop, her husband and her son were arrested during the trinket seizure on Friday and accused of selling artificial crap — as opposed to authentic crap — without a permit at their gift shops in the Eiffel Tower and Louvre. The operation was led jointly by the Paris police department and French customs after several months of intense surveillance. I don’t know about you, but all of a sudden I’ve got a visual of Inspector Clousseau hiding in a bush.

Next to beer, guns and pickup trucks a Texan’s favorite pasttime is greasy food, so you’ll surely understand that — according to every news website in town — the city’s number one goal for 2012 has involved researching, eating and acclaiming the Best Burgers in Dallas. And they’ve even published a map to help us find them.

The blue pins indicate the following dining establishments: The Commissary, Elevation Burger, The Grape, Fred’s Texas Cafe, Ketchup Burger Bar, Marquee Grill, Off-Site Kitchen and Wingfield’s. Although Sam and I have never eaten at any of these restaurants, after viewing a 20-page photo gallery on the Dallas Morning News’ website I’m ready to head out the door RIGHT NOW. Are these gorgeous, or what?

Next time you come for a visit Sam and I promise to include one or more of these fine establishments on our “do” list. FYI, the burger on the right weighs 10 ounces without the bacon and bun. Glorioski!

And finally, a recent research study at Aix-Marseille University in France has revealed that baboons are able to distinguish between real and fake words in print about three-out-of-four times, according to the results published in Thursday’s science journal. Four-year-old Dan Baboon, the star of the bunch and equivalent in age to a human teenager, got 80% of the words right and learned 308 four-letter words. That being said, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the Republican party’s 2016 running primates for president in 2016.

Please don’t throw peanuts during the debates and thank you for reading this.