Our home phone voice mail stopped working on April 11 and we didn’t even know it.

In this post: Kidneys, outages, Howdygram 2.

I’ll begin with the results of this week’s lab work, okay? Dr. M sent me an email Friday evening and the news is swell, especially finding out that MY KIDNEY FUNCTION IS NORMAL following three years of slow but steady decline. In case you’re wondering, I never really detected a problem with my kidneys in any way whatsoever because the “decline” was something that only showed up in blood tests. Nevertheless, if anybody wants to help me celebrate please send an email at your earliest convenience and I’ll order Chinese food.

Weather.com is a useless sack of poo.

In this post: Twisters, rants.

I’ve decided to report today’s activities with an easy-to-follow timeline because there’s so much going on around here I almost don’t know where to start. Thank you.

The Internet was broken.

In this post: I hate AT&T.

Life at Howdygram headquarters began on a sour note this morning for the following reasons: 1) I woke up with heart palpatations; 2) the Internet was broken; and 3) isn’t that enough?

Slippers from FootSmart are recommended for “feet with issues.”

In this post: Happy feet, new connections.

Take a guess what’s new today at Howdygram headquarters. Give up? SLIPPERS! I usually shlep around here year-round in my bare feet but a FootSmart catalog that came in today’s mail convinced me to take a closer look at the cuties pictured below. They’re recommended for “feet with issues” — i.e., plantar fasciitis, swelling and diabetic neuropathy — and made of squishy microfiber terry with REAL MEMORY FOAM FOOTBEDS and have traction soles in case I decide tap dance outside on the snow and ice. Even better, they only cost $24.99, come in huge sizes (I’m a 12 wide) and I ordered them in black. (I order everything in black.)

Shopping on Amazon doesn’t require lipstick, wearing a brassiere or leaving the house.

In this post: Holiday food-fest, another AT&T fiasco.

Sam is on his merry way to Costco as I write this post, armed with a list of essential crapola to keep our faces entertained during the four-day Thanksgiving weekend. I specifically refer to:

1. Brownie Brittle*
2. Salt & pepper pistachios
3. An industrial-size slab of lox
4. “Loaded” potato salad (sour cream! cheddar cheese! chives!)*
5. Sushi
6. Jalapeño hummus
7. Frozen Angus burgers
8. Excellent breakfast burritos*
9. Fully-cooked microwave bacon

Haitian fashion, busted olives and Wednesday night comedies.

I must be schizophrenic. I love AT&T again but now I hate Wal-Mart. Try to put up with me while I explain. Thank you.

WHY I LOVE AT&T. A multi-talented AT&T indoor repair dude named Robert showed up today — on time! and wearing a hat! — to fix the problems with our fiber optic TV, Internet and home phone service. Turns out it wasn’t the modem/router at all … it was an outdated coaxial connection that had to be upgraded to a high-speed telephone line. I observed from a comfortable chair with a box of TicTacs while Robert ran up and down to the attic, dismantled and moved five tons of furniture in our study (no small feat, believe me) to access the phone jack, replaced and spliced a bunch of wires, moved all the furniture back into place and reprogrammed our U-Verse equipment. He also found a missing pencil that was hiding between my desk and a cabinet. It was like a miracle!

WHY I HATE WAL-MART. Wal-Mart’s shipping geniuses did it again. The big delivery I was expecting today via FedEx was cancelled and sent back to the warehouse due to (according to FedEx’s website) “damage in transit.” In other words, MY OLIVES GOT BUSTED AGAIN. Three beautiful jars of Mezzetta super-colossal Spanish queen olives. This is the same damn thing that happened in the middle of June! Now everything’s all screwy and I’ll end up on the phone for an hour with customer service tomorrow trying to get them to reship my order WITH FIVE POUNDS OF BUBBLE WRAP. I don’t understand why Wal-Mart has such a hard time with this. Holy crap.

While I’m on the subject, this afternoon I got into some obsessive/compulsive horseshit and decided to find and replace (manually!) every instance of “Walmart” with “Wal-Mart” in all of my Howdygram posts. Although I frequently see the name spelled both ways in the news and in ads — even on Wal-Mart’s own website — apparently “Wal-Mart” (with the hyphen) is their legal corporate name. So the Howdygram is now correct and legal, Wal-Mart-wise.

For the record, the word “Walmart” appeared in more than 173 different posts since December 2009. I seriously considered blowing my brains out after changing the first 50.

My plantar fasciitis is spreading. As of yesterday I’ve got it in BOTH FEET, which makes it practically impossible even to walk around the house. I’m a mess, people. This is maybe the worst form of diabetic neuropathy because it’s excruciatingly painful and you don’t want to wear shoes, make biscuits or do laundry! Sam, as always, is being Mr. Wonderful, but he’s gone at least 10 hours a day and I’m on my own to whine alone at Howdygram headquarters.

For my final thought of the day, here’s the latest in Haitian fashion courtesy of Jezebel.com. Apparently a couple of amused photojournalists turned in the following portraits of ordinary Haitians who don’t speak or read English wearing insane and inappropriate tee shirts. I love this, mostly because it makes me stop thinking about my feet for a few minutes.

Sam won’t be home until 4 a.m. so I think I’ll rummage around for food and watch a few old movies. On tonight’s agenda are a couple of comedies: 1) The Teahouse of the August Moon (1956) starring Glenn Ford and Marlon Brando; and 2) an idiotic surfer thing called For Those Who Think Young (1964) starring James Darren, Paul Lynde and Pamela Tiffin. You know it’s a stinkeroo when the official tagline is: “You have to think young to feel real sprung!”

Thank you for reading this.