It’s amazing how you can talk yourself into eating insane crap when you have diabetes.

In this post: Shirataki on sale.

In case you don’t have anything productive to do tonight here’s a hot tip from our Happy Homemaker department! Zero-calorie shirataki noodles are 10% off through March 28 at Asian Food Grocer, and if you love this crap as much as I do you’ll drop everything RIGHT NOW and buy yourself a bunch. Asian Food Grocer has the best prices on the Internet plus cheap flat-rate shipping. I just ordered some Skinny brand shirartaki angel hair noodles and shirataki rice.

I feel fantastic today. If I could only figure out why, I’d try to do this more often.

Know what’s scarier than agonizing joint pain and diabetic neuropathy? A day when you’re so inexplicably pain-free that you reorganize the pantry, put away all the crap that’s been piling up on the kitchen table for the last eight days and still have enough energy leftover to stand at the stove making low-carb pancakes for dinner. No kidding, people, I feel FANTASTIC today. If I could only figure out why, I’d try to do this more often.

To celebrate my unanticipated good fortune I decided to treat myself to an Internet spending spree of sorts, which included: 1) a dozen pads of lined note paper and two pounds of chia seeds from Amazon; 2) a dozen bags of zero-carb shirataki macaroni from the Asian Food Grocer; and 3) ugly but therapeutic orthopedic shoes for diabetics from FootSmart.com. They’re specially designed for sensitive feet and padded to prevent blisters, abrasions and alleviate the pain of neuropathy. They’re also expensive. (Please don’t tell Sam.) A photo appears below for your possible interest.

Now that I’ll have comfortable new shoes I should seriously consider leaving house once in a while, such as a weekend lunch junket to Cafe Greek or breakfast at Alfredo’s.

A thunderstorm is rolling through here as I write this post! It’s not a big thunderstorm, really, just a nice summery storm about the size of my thumb on Weather.com’s map with a decent dose of rain and a little wind. Too bad I’m not taking a nap right now. I love the sound of rain when I nap.

Just in case enough hasn’t been said yet about George Zimmerman — you know, the vigilante neighborhood watch volunteer in Florida who got away with murder — I’d like to share the following commentary from Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show,” which offers up the perfect blend of outrage, pathos and disbelief. Frankly, we at the Howdygram think it’s a certifiable jaw-dropper.

Thank you for reading this.

Creepy dreams, hot feet and another Einstein making headlines.

It’s almost 7:30 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4:15. I’m not sure why, but it might have something to do with a creepy dream (okay, a nightmare) and hot feet. Lucky for you, horsing around with the Howdygram is my favorite way to kill time. I’ve definitely got plenty of it.

Before I plunge into hot news from the world of fine art, does anybody besides me remember the movie Bean (1997) with Rowan Atkinson? He plays a halfwit employee of a London gallery who travels to the U.S. to deliver a valuable painting to a prestigious Los Angeles art museum. He tries to clean it — with TURPENTINE — before the unveiling ceremony and ends up redrawing “Whistler’s Mother,” as shown below.

And now for the aforementioned hot news. Because truth can be stranger than fiction — or at least just as stupid — this week an old woman at a church in northeastern Spain decided to take a stab at art restoration. Without anybody’s permission Grandma Einstein “touched up” a 19th-century Spanish fresco by Elias Garcia Martinez and replaced it with the following hairy monstrosity. HOLY CRAP. (Literally.)

I forgot to mention that Sam and I watched an exceptionally adorable movie a couple of days ago ... Puss in Boots (2011) with Antonio Banderas voicing the title role and Salma Hayek as Kitty Softpaws, a sexy declawed cat who runs around in a Batgirl outfit. There’s also a Humpty Dumpty character with a dark and snarky personality, shown below disguised as a golden egg.

This movie was so damn much fun I wouldn’t mind seeing it again, and RIGHT NOW might be a good idea since going back to bed doesn’t appear to be an option any time soon. I might even whip up a tall Marcytini to keep me company but I’ll have to drink quietly so I won’t disturb Sam.

From our This Is Why I Can’t Sleep department, it seems that McDonald’s and In-N-Out have canceled their contracts with a California raw beef supplier after the FDA shut its plant for severe and frightening health and processing violations. NOW YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE FAKE MEAT! (Nobody ever recalls a can of textured vegetable protein.)

Pictured above are some of my favorites: Loma Linda Swiss Stake and Fried Chik’n (available from Amazon.com), Thrive TVP from Shelf Reliance that tastes like Taco Bell meat and cheap cans of faux duck gluten from Asian Food Grocer.

Thank you for reading this.

The grass is soaked, trees are smiling and cattle are mooing with joy.

It’s a genuine WINTER WONDERLAND here in Dallas today! We’ve had steady light rain showers since breakfast with a high temperature of 77° … and it’s still AUGUST, people! Holy crap! The grass is soaked, trees are smiling, cattle are mooing with joy and Lake Ray Hubbard is so full that all our local Einsteins can go ahead and drown if they want to! For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Lake Ray Hubbard. An actual photo of the area in the dotted pink rectangle appears below the map.

 

And now, since my blood sugar is probably a little low and I’m genuinely starving, I thought I’d post the following photo of a mistranslated — at least I hope it’s mistranslated — Chinese menu. When I see stuff like this I laugh so hard I could crack a rib. God bless Engrish.com.

This actually makes me want to limp into the kitchen and pop open a teeny can of tasty braised gluten! For the record, this is a yummy little treasure that’s mostly healthy and shockingly CHEAP. I order them from Asian Food Grocer for $1.68 each and keep a big stack in the pantry for occasional braised gluten emergencies. (I would never joke about this.)

It was nice of you to stop by. I think I’ll go watch a few “Millionaire Matchmaker” and “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover” reruns and maybe put my feet up. I’ve had a long day not doing much of anything, although folding socks is a definite possibility after dinner. Mostly white ones.

Thank you for reading this.

Bill Gates wants to reinvent toilets.

I didn’t feel much like writing a post today even though I’ve got enough stupid material to last a lifetime. Sometimes I guess I’d just rather eat gefilte fish and watch “Project Runway.”

I found some photos online yesterday of various celebrities arriving at Temple Emanu-El for composer Marvin Hamlisch’s funeral in New York earlier this week. Please forgive me for what I’m about to say, okay? HOLY CRAP, DO THESE PEOPLE LOOK OLD, OR WHAT? Liza Minnelli and Bette Midler show up without makeup, Robert Klein is being propped up by a couple of “attendants” and Tony Roberts looks like a Q-Tip!

And now for something completely different. Philanthropist Bill Gates is on a mission to pioneer poop for the 21st century by hosting the world’s first “Reinvent the Toilet Fair” where scientists and inventors were invited to develop better waste management for developing countries that have no sewers, running water or Cottonelle pre-moistened butt wipes (the Howdygram’s personal favorite). The Toilet Fair was flush with inventors, designers and investors from Britain, Canada and the United States.

The California Institute of Technology won first prize for inventing a solar-powered toilet that generates hydrogen gas and electricity. Personally, I’d be afraid to sit down. That’s the same combination that blew up the Hindenburg!

Because the Howdygram strives to be a family-friendly blog with very little content that falls into the “adult” category, I have decided not to include a photo with this story about a strange food vendor in Taiwan who sells “penis pancakes,” which consist of a batter-wrapped sausage that’s baked in an iron press shaped like a penis. I have no idea why there would be a market for this, but click here to check out penis pancakes for yourself. If you’re under 18 please ask your mother if it’s okay to look at semi-pornographic food pictures.

And finally, as a public service I thought I’d include the following instructional video from The Onion that offers various ways to “opt out” of Olive Garden’s unlimited free breadsticks on the odd chance this has been a problem for you.



Now I have to figure out how to drag in a half-ton delivery from Asian Food Grocer — deposited on our doorstep by FedEx about three hours ago — before a fleet of Dallas County aircraft starts dumping mosquito poison in their ongoing effort to eradicate our West Nile virus epidemic. On the other hand, maybe I’ll just leave the carton for Sam and make myself a vanilla shake. Thank you for reading this.

Presenting ugly crap from fashion week events around the world.

Innumerable exciting activities have been happening around here today. They include, in no particular order: 1) eating half a bag of potato chips for breakfast; 2) our quarterly outdoor pest control treatment (holy crap, Texas has a lot of bugs); 3) watching Finian’s Rainbow (1968) starring Fred Astaire and Petula Clark; 4) unpacking yesterday’s delivery from the Asian Food Grocer; and 5) making the bed.

Regarding item #3, Finan’s Rainbow is a stupid story with fantastic songs, and the only reason I bothered to watch is because we sang the entire score in choir my last year of high school and I know all the words. And also because it’s Fred Astaire’s last musical and I love Fred Astaire.

In case many of you may have thought otherwise, I’ve got ample proof that Einsteins exist in the fashion industry as illustrated by the following photos from fashion week events around the world. Does anybody really buy this ugly crap?

Does anybody have exciting plans for the weekend? We have nothing scheduled whatsoever except for Sam’s annual free birthday brunch on Sunday at Blue Mesa, where they’ve got the best southwestern food on the planet with really nice servers like Al, who’s our favorite. Al brings Sam extra grapefruit juice and never lets me run out of ice tea.

I think I’d better rustle up some grub because I’m awfully hungry right now. I’ve got a craving for a couple of Schwan’s spicy chicken things with cole slaw and a few Vlasic sugar-free sweet pickles. I’m living the good life here at Howdygram headquarters!

Way to go, San Diego ... home of the west-coast Einsteins.

Before I leap into more important topics I’d like to comment briefly that, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary (see previous post), AT&T apparently does NOT employ the majority of Einsteins in America. Several also work for the City of San Diego, where on July 4 a team of Einsteins accidentally detonated the evening’s entire 50-minute fireworks extravaganza all at the same time, resulting in a terrifying 15-second explosion that scared the shitsky out of thousands of citizens watching from the beach. Way to go, San Diego!

Ding dong, y’all! FedEx just dropped off a huge carton from Asian Food Grocer, my all-time favorite website not counting Amazon. This is the place to go for all kinds of wonderful Asian seasonings, sauces, soup mixes, shirataki — no carbs! no calories! — noodles, dried mushrooms, tofu, tea, soft drinks and bizarre Hello Kitty candy. A montage of today’s delivery appears below.

Unfortunately the carton is pretty heavy so Sam will have to bring it inside after he gets home from work. In the meantime I guess I’ll drown my sorrow with a few homemade tacos.

And now, a new version of our popular “Holy Crap” Gallery ... this time featuring a bunch of celebrities and former presidents when they were young. I think my personal favorites are three who looked exactly the same when they grew up (Anthony Hopkins, Antonio Banderas and Lyndon Johnson, the poor kid) and three who were just adorable beyond belief (Audrey Hepburn, Humphrey Bogart, John Lennon). Feel free to share your thoughts because I don’t really have very much to do tonight.

In case you’re interested, most of these pictures came from a couple of fun websites, one on Pinterest and another called Celebrity Childhood Photos.

I think I’ll make a nice pitcher of sugar-free lemonade and watch last night’s episode of “Dallas,” my current TV addiction now that season five of “Mad Men” is over. Thank you for reading this!

Meet “Professor Catfish.”

It’s your lucky day because I’ve got another Holy Crap Gallery for you, this time featuring the original James Bond heart-throbs from decades past ... Sean Connery and Roger Moore. Personally, I think Connery still looks great; Moore not so much, but he’s 85 and cross-eyed so I’ll cut him some slack.

Have you ever Googled an extremely meaningless person from your past that you haven’t really thought about for a bunch of decades? I did, a couple of hours ago. I Googled my former boss from the Southern Gas Association ... back when I lived in Dallas in 1987 with my first husband. This is what I found online (see below) with the caption “Meet Professor Catfish.” He currently lives in the vicinity of Wichita, Kansas, and apparently has a whole new career. I’m thinking he should also consider a guest spot on “Hee Haw.”

Breaking news. I’ve discovered two more FANTASTIC FOOD WEBSITES that I’d like to share with you! The first is Asian Food Grocer, based in San Francisco, where you can buy just about anything you’d find in an Asian supermarket with the possible exception of live eels or an octopus. The products I ordered today are pictured below, clockwise from top left: 1) shirataki — zero calories and zero carbs! — noodle dumplings; 2) two bags of dried shiitake mushrooms; 3) three containers of shirataki noodles in sesame ginger sauce; 4) firm tofu; and 5) ready-to-eat shirataki “lunch boxes” in a couple of potentially awesome flavors (wasabi and Szechwan).

Asian Food Grocer even offers cheap flat-rate shipping when you spend $25, which provides an excellent opportunity to load up on a ton of amazing crapola because nearly everything they sell costs less than $1.50. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

My other new discovery is the National Mustard Museum, an adorable website from Wisconsin that sells every kind of mustard on the planet and possibly even a few from Mars. I haven’t ordered anything yet, however, because I’m currently assessing my overall mustard requirements. (Translation: I don’t need any.)

And finally, I ordered two more freeze-dried textured vegetable protein whatnots today from Shelf Reliance: 1) crumbled breakfast sausage TVP; and 2) taco-seasoned beef TVP that apparently tastes like Taco Bell meat. Since I’ve always got high-fiber low-carb flour tortillas in the house I figure I can make myself some cheap and healthy faux Mexican food with the TVP and a teeny wad of shredded cheese.

Now that I’m officially STARVING I think it’s time to migrate into the kitchen and figure out what’s for dinner. Thanks for stopping by.