Introducing our 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame.

If you were taking odds that I wouldn’t write a post today, YOU LOSE. While I sit here figuring out what I want for dinner I thought I’d share the latest crapola from Howdygram headquarters.

Before I forget, since nobody successfully identified the two classic movie stars from my post on December 27 I’ll reveal their names for you below.

Because there was no winner I’ll just have to keep the BIG VALUABLE PRIZE for myself. No hard feelings and better luck next time, okay?

And now I’m pleased to present the Howdygram’s 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame, featuring eight sickening hotshots who made me want stab myself in the head with an ice pick at various times throughout the past year.

These sickening hotshots are listed in no particular order whatsoever ...

• Todd Akin. The GOP’s gift to late-night comedy claimed during his campaign for a Senate seat in Missouri that in the case of “legitimate rape” a woman’s body had ways to prevent pregnancy, concluding that abortion even for rape victims should denied because they’re obviously lying. Akin’s hard-core, logic-defying, anti-abortion rhetoric guaranteed a comfortable win by Democratic incumbent Claire McCaskill and inflicted huge damage to the Republican Party for being anti-woman. (Thank you, Todd.)
• Rod “Hairdo” Blagojevich. In March the former governor of Illinois began serving a juicy 14-year sentence at the Federal Correctional Institute in Englewood, Colorado, for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud, still insisting he was targeted by the FBI for “fighting the crooks in a crooked system.” To his credit, however, as governor Blagojevich gave free bus rides to senior citizens.
• Donald Trump. America’s most obnoxious racist blowhard promised to up-end the presidential election with an “October surprise,” dropping frequent hints that he had photocopies of the Obamas’ fictional divorce papers from an earlier decade. In reality, Trump’s surprise was to challenge the President with a $5 million gift to the charity of his choice if he produced his passport application and college transcripts, which seemed to the press and general public that Trump’s ultimate goal was blackmail or extortion. If that wasn’t bad enough, when President Obama won re-election on November 6 Trump fired off a series of grotesquely racist Tweets that claimed the election was a sham, a disaster for democracy and a disgusting injustice (see my earlier post). Talk about a sore loser!
• David Petraeus. Former military god and five-star general who got himself involved with an extramarital affair, social-climbing party girls in Tampa, Florida, and all kinds of convoluted email intrigue. Check out an earlier post with educational graphics.
• Jerry Sandusky. The child molester from Penn State will rot in hell after he serves 60 years in prison for abusing more than 15 million boys. (I might be exaggerating, but not by much.)
• Lance Armstrong. Disgraced Tour de France cycling champion was kicked to the curb and convicted of a career-long doping conspiracy. In one day, Lance Armstrong: 1) was erased from the record books; 2) stripped of his medals and awards; 3) lost all of his lucrative endorsement deals; and 4) was forced out of the cancer charity founded in his name. He’s not even allowed to ride a bike to the grocery store.
• Mitt Romney. Although I’m sure everything has already been said about the GOP’s human gaffe machine, I offer the following Romney quotes in case you need a reminder. To a heckler in Iowa who suggested that corporations should pay higher taxes: “Corporations are people, my friend. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people.” At a Beverly Hills fundraiser, wondering why you can’t crack a window at 35,000 feet: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem.” During a GOP primary debate: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.” And ... “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” Plus the ultimate gaffe ... Romney’s secretly-recorded remarks at a donor banquet: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what ... who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” HOLY CRAP. Did America dodge a bullet, or what?
• Rick Santorum. The GOP’s scariest presidential candidate, bar none. Santorum is a homophobic misogynist whose platform was based on his belief that TOO MUCH BIRTH CONTROL is the number one problem facing Americans today.

And now I’d better find something speedy to eat for dinner before I conk out! Thanks for stopping by.

Mitt Romney would never in a million years be an assistant produce manager at Safeway.

Every now and then I get sick of self-employment, and today is one of those days. I’ve got six Ovation Creative clients with automatic web hosting payments due at the end of every month, and this afternoon credit cards were declined for three of them. Deadbeats! The cat-and-mouse game is underway now, involving a cheerful first email to let them know their cards have been declined followed by an appropriate number of semi-snotty “why in hell haven’t I heard from you” reminders until I finally get a response. If, God forbid, there’s no timely response whatsoever, the final semi-snotty email is capped by a full-bore threat to take their website offline and sell their cursed domain to the highest bidder.

I’ve only been forced into annihilation mode three times in recent memory. Trust me, it’s not a pretty sight.

And now for something completely different. I received my new Perfect Tortilla Pan Set today from Bed Bath and Beyond! In a brilliant feat of advance planning I sent Sam to Tom Thumb this morning for some essential ingredients — a bag of nice shredded iceberg lettuce and an extra jar of salsa — so we can eat big crunchy bowls of taco crap this weekend. I’ll try to take pictures but I’m not promising anything.

From our Happy Holidays department, in case there’s a hard-to-buy-for fashion-conscious dude on your Hanukkah gift list the Howdygram would like to suggest a classy outfit from Yoko Ono’s new menswear collection. Ono (inset, below), 79, says her looks are “inspired by John Lennon” and include pants with giant handprints on the crotch, a transparent plastic chest plaque with doorbells, tanks with nipple cutouts and a flashing LED stretch bra. It is important to note that John Lennon is dead.

Think you can you stand another stab at Mitt Romney? The Onion posted this photo a couple of days ago showing a grubby, disheveled Romney in his new post as assistant produce manager at Safeway. Frankly, to me it looks like he’s ready to launch into a chorus of “The Impossible Dream.” You know, like Robert Goulet. I’m just saying.

I should probably mention here that absolutely everything you see on The Onion’s website is satire because everybody knows Mitt Romney would never in a million years be an assistant produce manager at Safeway. He actually supervises the deli.

Thank you for reading this.

Shut up and pass the chips.

Even though the weather this afternoon is borderline dismal, you’ll be pleased to know that I’m having a thoroughly excellent day here at Howdygram headquarters for all of the following reasons:

1. I don’t have to go outside.
2. I might make spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner tonight.
3. My knees stopped hurting.
4. The laundry is caught up except for bath towels.
5. I got a shipment yesterday from Netrition.com and their low-carb milk chocolate bars taste EXACTLY like cheap Brach’s Easter bunnies from Walgreen’s. This is so perfect I think my head might explode.
6. I found the following Photoshopped picture of Humphrey Bogart online this morning. Holy crap, I love Google!

There’s some breaking news today from the ongoing David Petraeus scandal. Apparently the government of South Korea has decided to reclaim the “honorary consul” title it bestowed on broke and desperate Tampa party-girl Jill Kelley after they discovered she was using it to peddle influence, such as pressuring New York businessman Adam Victor into a business deal in exchange for an outrageous $85 million commission. Kelley is pictured below, peddling her breasts to Florida Senator Marco Rubio.

For the record, Marco Rubio is another one of those Republicans who believes the earth is only 6,000 years old. According to his official biography, he’s a recent Phi Beta Kappa graduate of the Religious Insanity program at Rick Santorum’s Bullshit University.

Speaking of Republicans and bullshit, my final story of the day comes from GQ Magazine, where they’ve named Mitt Romney one of the “least influential people of 2012” despite 18 months on the national stage and a multi-million dollar campaign running for president of the United States. GQ writes: “Was anyone inspired by Mitt Romney? Did anyone vote enthusiastically for Mitt Romney? Of course not. Voting for Romney is like hooking up with the last single person at the bar at 4 a.m.”

Romney’s GQ list-mates include greasy Food Network personality Guy Fieri, PBS newsman Jim Lehrer, Madonna, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and — believe it or not! — Michelle Obama. In case you’re wondering why GQ included the first lady, they say in spite of Michelle’s “Let’s Move” campaign everybody in the United States is still too damn fat.

I absolutely agree. Now shut up and pass the chips.

I don’t want to look like a raccoon.

Yes, I know the campaign is over. Yes, I know I can finally stop wringing my hands about politics for at least another two years. But even so, it is with great pleasure that I’d like to present the following photograph of former GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, dressed in casual attire for weekend fun with Ann and the 1%.

From our What Happened To The Help department, here’s a photo of Mitt and Ann taken on Thanksgiving, clammy and clingy in the kitchen of one of their homes, pretending to cook a meal. FYI, I don’t like their cabinets and there’s too much crap on the counter behind them. I’m just saying.

It’s 4:15 Monday morning. You know you’re in big trouble when you wake up at this hour with SEVERE KNEE PAIN, because I always assumed that lying down should feel better than walking. But wait ... there’s more! I also have a stinging pain in my right hand, which has been frozen in the form of a claw since the day before Thanksgiving. I can’t close a fist and I can’t straighten out my fingers. (It feels like I caught a baseball bare-handed and broke all my bones.) For what it’s worth, the knee pain thing is arthritis and the crumpled hand thing is diabetic neuropathy. Nothing makes me feel better except Chinese food and Wal-Mart’s excellent store-brand arthritis strength Tylenol knockoff. The kind with the yellow label.

I got bored halfway into the New York Giants/Green Bay Packers game last night and decided to switch to some real entertainment: “Liz & Dick” on Lifetime starring Lindsay Lohan, that hyped-up biopic about Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. In a word, I thought everything about this low-budget made-for-TV movie — the script, the dialog, the sets, the performances — were ABSOLUTELY CHEESY (okay, fine, that’s two words) and Lohan didn’t look, act or sound like Elizabeth Taylor in any way whatsoever. Even her makeup sucked. Other than that, however, the movie wasn’t bad at all.

So here’s what’s happening on Monday at Howdygram headquarters: 1) Sam is getting a haircut at 9 a.m.; 2) I want homemade tacos for lunch; and 3) I’m expecting a nice UPS delivery from Netrition.com. To brace myself for the excitement I’d better go back to bed for a while because it’s nearly 6 a.m. and I’ve only had three hours of sleep. If I’m not careful I’ll look like a raccoon.

Thank you for reading this.

More Mitt Romney comedy from the ongoing Republican Follies.

I’m pleased to announce there are FOUR THRILLING THINGS happening today, right here at Howdygram headquarters!

1. Sam brought leftover pizza home from work last night and I’m definitely eating a piece for lunch.
2. FedEx is delivering my new comforter from Wal-Mart (see earlier post).
3. I might go for a haircut.
4. I can’t think of anything else.

Obviously I’m most excited about items 1 and 2 but for very different reasons. Item 1 involves food and item 2 involves no food whatsoever, but in all other respects the overall level of thrill is essentially the same. Item 3 is still a “maybe” at this point and depends on whether or not I feel motivated enough to wear a brassiere and start the car. (Fat chance, right?) Item 4 is both meaningless and self-explanatory.

From our Republican Follies department comes even more Mitt Romney comedy! The GOP’s premier gaffe-master has been blabbing all over town to former supporters and campaign donors that President Obama only won the election because he bought votes by being “very generous” to African Americans and offering huge “gifts” to the rest of the greedy, government-dependent populace that excludes old rich white men. Romney refers to: 1) reduced student loan interest; 2) free contraceptives under Obamacare; 3) improved health insurance coverage for families, children and patients with pre-existing conditions; and 4) comprehensive immigration reform through the Dream Act. Romney is once again under fire for being a heartless Mormon moron ... this time even by Republicans.

For the record, Mitt doesn’t bother to mention his own vow to provide a gift to the wealthiest Americans (also known in Romneyland as “patriots” and “job creators”) disguised as additional tax breaks. Congratulations on your stunning and gratifying loss, Mr. White Bread Jerkowitz!

Holy crap, it’s time to nuke a piece of pizza! Thank you for reading this.

This convoluted scandal is draining my neurons.

Okay, I think I got confused last night. This convoluted General Petraeus scandal is draining my neurons. In another twist to the same story, apparently those “30,000 pages of email” were transmitted between Marine Corps General John Allen — Commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan — and Jill Kelley, a married millionaire social climber in Tampa who blows her husband’s money hosting black-tie shindigs for military brass at MacDill Air Force Base. The Wall Street Journal reports that when Kelley began receiving anonymous meanacing emails earlier this year she contacted a pal in the FBI who linked the emails to General Petraeus’ jealous girlfriend and biographer, Paula Broadwell. Just for fun the aforementioned FBI agent emailed Jill Kelley photos of himself shirtless.

Holy crap. Would this be an amazing HBO mini-series, or what? Even though this story has started to give me cramps, the cast of characters appears below for your possible interest. Apparently Jill Kelley and her twin (see bottom photo) both suffer from the same serious neck injury.

It’s definitely fall in north Texas and we had our first official freeze this morning. Even though I don’t go out very often — just on weekends for Chinese food or Senior Scrambled Eggs at Denny’s — I still manage to keep track of the changing seasons because: 1) I visit Weather.com at least once a week; 2) Costco is already advertising their Christmas specials; and 3) my feet are cold. Although a nice pair of socks would have been cheaper, to alleviate item 3 I just ordered a comforter set from Wal-Mart. Stop laughing, people. Wal-Mart’s Hometrends brand bedding is BEAUTIFUL and their king-size comforters are larger than practically anybody’s, including the ritzy and overpriced designer crap at Bed Bath and Beyond.

The set comes with two king pillow shams and a bed skirt. I didn’t have to buy the matching throw pillows because they’re already on a shelf in my armoire. No kidding.

I usually don’t gloat (not much, anyway) but thought you might enjoy some real-time misery on DisappearingRomney.com, a website that’s tracking Mitt Romney’s diminishing Facebook popularity as it actually happens. Now in frightening decline, Mitt has been losing approximately 847 friends every hour.

And on that cheerful note I think I’ll go make a nice pot of chicken barley soup. Thank you for reading this!

Please ask NBC to dump Trump and recommend that your friends do the same.

After waiting nearly all day for the wrath of Brutus, the season’s second named winter storm arrived at Howdygram headquarters like a pansy this afternoon, dumping about six minutes of light drizzle with no wind, no thunder, no lightning, NO NOTHING. What a total waste of time — again! — for paying any attention whatsoever to those overpaid, lying sacks of poo at Weather.com. I am so done with them.

And now I’d like to revisit a comment from my post on November 8 in which I suggested we should all demand that NBC cancel “Celebrity Apprentice” and end Donald Trump’s contract due to his racist, seditious and hateful anti-American Twitter tirade following President Obama’s re-election. I’M SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, PEOPLE. I emailed NBC’s corporate office twice and I think all of you should do exactly the same. In the news today I saw a story that Coldstone Creamery fired 22-year-old Denise Helms, an idiot ice cream store manager in Modesto, California, for her anti-Obama Election Day rant on Facebook, in which she referred to the president of the United States with the “N” word and the hope that he’ll be assassinated. (Unemployment is the least of Miss Einstein’s problems now; she’s also in deep crap with the FBI and Secret Service.)

The point is, if Coldstone Creamery can take a stand against an employee’s hate and racism, I think NBC should, too. Therefore I’m pleased to provide the email link below to NBC’s corporate office. Please ask NBC to dump Trump and recommend that your friends do the same!

Email NBC

I have a headache. Maybe this would be a good time to reheat some matzo ball soup, watch The Thin Man and connect with Sam, who just slept through the entire Cowboys vs. Eagles game on Fox. Have a nice evening, okay?

Egg salad, Ziggy Talent and right-wing sore loser dirtbags.

When I sat down to write tonight’s Howdygram post I had no material whatsoever. Zero. Zilch. I took a short break at 7 p.m. to eat an unassuming bowl of egg salad, and holy crap … all of a sudden I’ve got a million ideas! Who knew? I MADE MAGIC EGG SALAD!

First, allow me to introduce the Meneghini La Cambusa, a jaw-dropping three-door customizable “galley” appliance from Italy. Think of it like installing Costco in your kitchen! Features include a refrigerator, freezer, ice maker, coffee maker, microwave, a steam oven and dry food storage … all for $41,500. To say I want one of these for Hanukkah would be an understatement. (I hope Sam is reading this.)

Before I launch into today’s rant I’d like to post the following video from the movie Meet the People (1944) starring Dick Powell and Lucille Ball, except neither of them is in this clip. It’s a musical number called “I Can’t Dance” featuring a screwball named Ziggy Talent with the Vaughn Monroe Orchestra. (Alert: I promise you’ll need to pee halfway into this routine.)

And now for the topic at hand. REPUBLICANS. I don’t know why anybody still refers to them as a “party,” because they’re the sourest crowd I’ve ever seen in my life.

The after-shock from Tuesday’s election is still causing quite a commotion among right-wing sore loser dirtbags. The biggest sore loser dirtbag is probably Karl Rove, whose pathetic platform led the GOP’s super-PAC straight down the toilet, and an eleventh-hour tantrum on Fox News cost him whatever shred of credibility he had left.

Egomaniac Newt Gingrich didn’t fare too well, either, with his outrageous election night predictions that Romney would win more than 300 electoral votes and Republicans would retake the Senate, all based on his claim to vast political knowledge and experience. Newt, who was nicknamed “The Angry Attack Muffin” by pundit Peggy Noonan, is still camped out in fantasy land.

Neanderthal mysogynist Senators Todd Akin (Missouri) and Richard Mourdock (Indiana) both lost re-election after spewing highly offensive viewpoints about rape and pregnancy. Even in their solidly red states neither could win the votes of women. What a shock, right?

And last but not least is sore loser dirtbag Donald Trump, the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week (twice!), who’s still shrieking that our president is an illegal alien, his re-election was a travesty and democracy is a sham. Personally, I think you should all follow my lead and demand that NBC cancel “Celebrity Apprentice” and remove this anti-American hate monger from television. I’m absolutely serious.

Although the image below never actually appeared on the cover of Bloomberg Business Week, it apparently was proposed artwork for an issue back in January. I’ve decided to post it here for effect, mostly because it fairly represents Romney during the final week of his campaign. He was battered from all directions after vowing to destroy Planned Parenthood, lying about the president shipping Jeep jobs to China and pretending he never ran a full-page New York Times op-ed piece to “let Detroit go bankrupt” in advance of Obama’s successful bailout of the auto industry. That Romney got any votes at all is still a mystery.

Sometime this week I hope to get back to normal Howdygram posts about meaningful topics such as shopping, Einsteins, Chinese food, laundry, trips to the Choctaw Casino and assorted other crapola. Politics is almost out of my system. I’m exhausted.

It’s time for a hot shower and a movie. Thank you for reading this!

Glorioski!

Glorioski and yee-haw! In case you’ve been hiding under a rock, everybody on the planet should know by now that President Adorable Obama won yesterday’s election.

Sam and I stayed up late last night to watch all the requisite election night festivities on MSNBC, including: 1) Romney waving goodbye (see ya, Mittens!); 2) a massive Obama victory celebration with the biggest slabs of red, white and blue confetti I’ve ever seen in my life; and 3) the Reverend Al Sharpton, pictured at right, enjoying his new career as a mainstream political pundit.

Regarding snazzy little Reverend Sharpton, I learned last night that he’s three years younger than me after commenting that he voted for the very first time in 1972 when he was 18 years old. Seriously, I thought the dude was at least 70. I feel sick.

Speaking of feeling sick, this is a perfect segue into my next topic: DONALD TRUMP. Back on October 23 Trump was recognized as the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week (see post), and his outrageous election night behavior has qualified him once again after shooting off his big dumb mouth on Twitter.

Four of Trump’s aforementioned Twitter posts appear below, all bordering on treason. A later tweet demanded revolution. Why the hell can’t somebody in the Republican party figure out how to shut him up?

 It’s time for lunch. I love lunch.

Reward yourself with a new font after you vote today. Also a pizza.

It’s finally here … Election Day in America! At first I had seriously considered a full-on 18-hour MSNBC marathon starting at 8 a.m. except other pressing matters eventually got in the way, such as: 1) taking a lot of pills; 2) a nice nap; 3) watching 30 minutes of The Great Gatsby (1974) starring Mia Farrow and Robert Redford; 4) buying a pile of Election Day essentials from Wal-Mart.com; and 5) writing this post. Election results and MSNBC will have to wait until after the polls close tonight. There’s just too damn much going on here right now.

In the meantime, I’d like to offer explanations for items 3 and 4 above because inquiring minds want to know. I only watched half an hour of The Great Gatsby because it sucked, and my Election Day essentials from Wal-Mart included all of the products pictured below.

If you haven’t already voted please grab a few friends and do this NOW. And you’ll make an old lady excruciatingly happy — I refer, of course, to moi — if you’ll vote for President Obama. (Sam would appreciate it, too.)

I think I should mention something. The cool font I used for the graphic posted above is called Captain Narrow and it’s a collection of 21 thrilling styles on sale for only TWO MEASLY BUCKS at MyFonts.com. Reward yourself with a new font after you vote today. Also a pizza.

Thank you for reading this.

Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.

One more thing. Actually ... 25 of them! I just received an email from the Obama for America campaign asking me to tweet or post the following list of reasons from 25 people who are voting to re-elect the president. I can do that, and here they are.

1. “The Affordable Care Act is saving my daughter’s life.” Stacey, Arizona 
2. “Obama is for the vets. He helped us wind down in Iraq, he’s improved mental health policy with VA benefits.” Joel, Minnesota
3. “Obama stuck his neck out for us, the auto industry. He wasn’t going to let it just die, and I’m driving in this morning because of that, because of him.” Brian, Ohio 
4. “Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.” Joe Biden, Delaware 
5. “Supreme Court Supreme Court Supreme Court.” Andrew, California 
6. “Arithmetic.” Bill Clinton, New York 
7. “He cares for the 100 percent.” Shana, Texas 
8. “When Obama came into office he successfully renewed our country’s place in the community of nations, making cooperation in tackling the world’s challenges possible.” Willis, North Carolina 
9. “The actions he has taken with respect to protecting us from terrorism have been very, very solid.” Colin Powell, Virginia 
10. “I was really very grateful to him for standing up for those kids who are having a really rough time out there because of their orientation.” Jane Lynch, California 
11. “For me, President Obama is our best choice because he has a vision of the United States as a place where we are all in this together.” Bruce Springsteen, New Jersey 
12. “He has a real plan for rescuing the economy that passes the ‘math’ test.” Teresa, Virginia 
13. “Having someone in office who understands how powerful our voice can be is very important.” Jay Z, New York 
14. “I am voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden because I can trust them to care for the middle class and restore the American dream.” Steven, Florida 
15. “The first measure he signed into law after becoming president was the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act — so a female high school counselor or physical education teacher can fight for equal pay for equal work.” Connie Britton, California 
16. “I believe in the America he wants for my grandchildren.” Nancy, Michigan 
17. “We need four more years of repair, of helping the middle class achieve a sustainable economy.” James Taylor, North Carolina 
18. “I’ve watched him fight for our country, stand by the middle class, the working class, the military, the education of our children, universal health care, women, the environment, and matters of national and domestic security.” Susan, Virginia 
19. “The gifted 12-year-old I taught, whose parents were deported and left her here with her grandmother, will be allowed to stay and finish her education. She’s been in the U.S. since age one.” Jamie, North Carolina 
20. “When I step into the voting booth, I think about the world I want to leave my two daughters, and the values that are required to guide us there.” Michael Bloomberg, New York 
21. “I have four children who are under 26 and able to stay on my health care plan. That’s been huge.” Amy, Pennsylvania 
22. “He’s fighting to defend and better Social Security and Medicare — because millions of Latino seniors rely on them.” Cristina Saralegui, Florida 
23. “Thanks to the President’s efforts to keep student loan rates low, I can expect to save nearly $1000 as I work to repay my student loans. And I don’t have too many of those, thanks to the Federal Pell Grant program.” Sam, Minnesota 
24. “It’s been wonderful to have President Obama as a champion for access to health care for all women in this country.” Cecile Richards, New York 
25. “Re-electing Barack Obama would lead to a stronger economic recovery than would be the case were Mitt Romney to win on November 6th.” Jared Bernstein, Washington, D.C.

Thank you for putting up with me. Now for sure it’s time to eat dinner!

Vote for President Obama and please tell your friends.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but Sam and I are so fed up with the 2012 presidential campaign — dating all the way back to those moronic GOP primary debates — that we’re ready to hang ourselves. However, all the national polls today are pointing to President Obama’s re-election (thank God), so with any luck the next time I’m forced to hear Mitt Romney’s voice will be his concession speech sometime tomorrow night.  

The sooner the better.

For comic relief, in case you’ve got a really short memory, I’m pleased to include this portrait of the original cast of characters from the aforementioned GOP debates. There wasn’t (and still isn’t) a worthwhile or qualified candidate in the entire crowd.

Here’s a follow-up to the current crisis in Diabetesland as outlined in my last post. I called the pharmacy manager at Wal-Mart this morning and told her that Novolin R insulin is no better than a bottle of sludge from the Trinity River. After asking a few routine questions to determine whether or not I’m a crackpot, she consulted the medicine gods at Blue Cross and agreed to switch my prescription back to Humulin at no additional cost whatsoever. Sam can pick it up in the morning. Two months’ worth. I’m so damn excited I think I’ll eat a bunch of hard-boiled eggs.

Tomorrow is Election Day. VOTE FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS. Thank you.

Drumstick ice cream cones: the official hors d’oeuvres of Howdygram headquarters.

Happy Sunday from Howdygram headquarters where, after sleeping through a really boring western, Sam remains comfortably unconscious in the family room as I write this post. The aforementioned boring western was The Kansan (1943) starring Richard Dix and Jane Wyatt, the semi-dopey tale of a drifter who gets shot stopping a bank robbery and wakes up in the hospital to find out he’s been elected marshal. Albert Dekker is on hand as the bad guy, but that’s hardly a casting surprise because Albert Dekker is ALWAYS the bad guy. Makes you wonder if this Dekker dude was an evil, crooked jerk in real life, too. (Probably not.) My only real issue with this movie is Richard Dix, who consistently has the personality of an eggplant.

When Sam eventually wakes up, tonight’s entertainment will include homemade matzo ball soup if I can stop typing long enough to throw everything into a pot and the Cowboys vs. Atlanta Falcons game on NBC. If soup and football sound better than what’s on your current Sunday night agenda, please send me an email right away and we’ll save you a seat. The festivities begin at 7 p.m. You can wear a bathrobe if you want to.

With Election Day almost upon us I’d like to share three more outstanding videos from the Obama for America campaign. They’re all definitely worth watching and I hope you’ll give them a few minutes of your time. And tell your friends.







Holy crap, I’d better get started making soup or Sam won’t have anything to eat when he wakes up except for Drumstick ice cream cones, which technically only qualify as hors d’oeuvres. Thank you for reading this.

Sam, Sherlock and a couple of excellent videos.

Before I join Sam in the family room to watch the last half of a Sherlock Holmes movie I thought I’d share the following two excellent video clips for your entertainment and enlightenment. The first is a monologue by Bill Maher from his Friday night “Real Time” program on HBO; the second is Vice President Joe Biden discussing what senior citizens can expect from Romney and Ryan. Please take a couple of minutes to watch both of them even if you’d rather be doing something else. Thank you.

Tomorrow will mark the final event of my week-long birthday celebration — SUNDAY BRUNCH AT BLUE MESA — where we’ll dine on fajitas, guacamole, sweet potato chips, adobe pie, teeny made-to-order omelets, smoked brisket, street tacos, excellent little sausages and enough mango ice tea to make your kidneys collapse. They also have Belgian waffles with whipped cream and exquisite little flans, but Sam has to eat those without my help because I have diabetes.

A quick public service announcement before I head back to Sam and Sherlock ... don’t forget to change your clocks tonight! I have no use whatosever for all this crap about Daylight Savings Time, except that switching back in November means I’m an hour younger and I’ll take all the extra hours I can get. Thank you for reading this.

Emotional groceries and the GOP has a “movement”.

It finally happened people. This morning at 8:30 Sam and I pulled into a parking spot in front of our new Trader Joe’s in Plano! HOLY CRAP! I hadn’t seen or set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2o07, so this was a stirring and emotional moment for me. In case you’re interested, the store was completely empty at that hour because the snooty citizens of Plano don’t get up before 10 on weekends.

Concerning our grocery haul ... we loaded our cart with the following pile of thrilling old favorites:

• cashews
• dried apricots
• a tasty little container of egg white salad
• frozen veggie burgers
• chicken taquitos
• Trader Joe’s potato salad
• bagels and lox
• mostly tasteless high-fiber wheat bread
• hummos
• California rolls with the hottest wasabi in North America
• stuffed bell peppers
• a hunk of havarti cheese

I wanted to buy more but my knees gave out, so I limped back to the car while Sam took charge of the checkout routine. Our plans for the remainder of the day include eating everything in sight. I’ve already consumed the California rolls and egg white salad; my next victim will be havarti while watching George Sanders in The Falcon’s Brother (1942). In the event you’re into movie star crapola, the brother is played by Tom Conway who, coincidentally, was George Sanders’ ACTUAL BROTHER.

And finally, no pre-election Howdygram post would be complete without one more sarcastic shot at GOP jellyfish Mitt Romney, who coined a new phrase today while campaigning in Ohio.

Thank you for putting up with me. I think I need some food now.

Thank you for reading this on my birthday.

Hi, people. Happy birthday to me! I have to spend the evening alone because Sam’s at work, but as a consolation prize I get to eat weird and tasty crap while watching “People’s Court” reruns until well past midnight. Possible selections for the aforementioned weird and tasty crap may include any or all of the following: 1) a Schwan’s frozen omelet; 2) a bag of Lowrey’s Bacon Curls; 3) freeze-dried green beans with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray; 4) Mongolian chicken; and/or 5) egg salad on a low-carb tortilla. Please send an email as soon as possible if you’d like to participate in my birthday food extravaganza. The festivities begin at 8 p.m., napkins included.

In case you’re interested in a truly shlocky one-star horror flick, please allow me to recommend The Devil Bat (1940) starring Bela Lugosi with a supporting cast of unknown actors and flying rodents. Sam and I had an opportunity to watch this dreck-fest during lunch today.

Bela Lugosi plays “kindly Dr. Carruthers,” a beloved local scientist who invents after shave lotion by day and giant killer bats by night in his secret laboratory in order to kill off the owners of a cosmetic company and their pals, employees and offspring.

This is all so hilarious and unbelievably lame you won’t mind wasting 68 minutes of your life ... even if it means being late for work.

Before I forget, in case you’re still undecided in the upcoming presidential election or need a few solid reminders why you should re-elect President Obama, please click the image below to take a look at the 39 best reasons.

Thank you for reading this on my birthday. Smooches to everybody from Howdygram headquarters.

I think I finally nailed my ongoing toaster and can opener conundrum.

A couple of things. First, y’all will be pleased to learn that I’ve finally figured out the best way to arrange my kitchen counters, and it only took five and a half years. (Okay, so I’m slow. You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.) My biggest challenges have been correct placement of my toaster and electric can opener, which I’ve plugged and unplugged at least 275 times, moving them hither and yon from counter to counter for more than half a decade, always ending up frustrated, dissatisfied and despondent.

It’s a real possibility that I might be insane.

Regardless, this morning I think I finally nailed my ongoing toaster and can opener conundrum — glorioski! — as illustrated below, now neatly parked between the bread machine and the knives. Please note how clean they all are. The bottom photo is a portrait of my two shiny new side-by-side spice racks. I spent all day yesterday filling the jars. (Note: The smell of basil can make you gag.)

Second, I’d like to share the following graphic from Obama for America’s website in case you need a few additional reasons to re-elect the president. And just for the record, since this supporter put together various points on the list below the economy has added nearly 5.2 million private sector jobs over 31 consecutive months. Thank you.

Sam just called to tell me he won’t be able to leave work until midnight, which means I can fill the next couple of hours with a nice shower, an episode of “People’s Court” and foraging snacks in the kitchen. I love my life.

The Howdygram strongly recommends early voting. You can go to Denny’s afterwards.

We did it. WE VOTED THIS MORNING. It was so much fun Sam wants to vote again tomorrow!

Our polling place at the Lakeside Activity Center — yes, it’s actually next to a lake — was not quite as chaotic as Tuesday (see earlier post) so we decided to grab the last handicapped parking spot and get in line with an intriguing assortment of old people, yahoos, Elvis impersonators and neighbors. I hope the huge turnout means everybody’s voting for President Obama but I can’t be positive. Incidentally, the Howdygram strongly recommends early voting because you can go to Denny’s afterwards and have a little party. (Try the Senior Scrambled Eggs.)

More breaking election news! According to an article today on Foodbeast.com, out of 2,094 voting-age adults 59% would rather eat a hamburger with President Barack Obama and 41% with Mitt Romney. WHAT A LANDSLIDE! Smashburger hired Harris Interactive to conduct the survey online, and the results also revealed which former U.S. president Americans would choose for a burger buddy: 22% for Clinton; 15% for Abraham Lincoln; 14% for John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan; 5% for Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington; and 4% for George W. Bush and Jimmy Carter.

Personally, I can’t believe 4% of Americans would pick George W. Bush to do their yard work. And what the hell ever happened to FDR, Grover Cleveland or — better yet — Millard Fillmore?

In case I’ve piqued your interest, Millard Fillmore, a Whig, became president of the United States following the death of Zachary Taylor in 1850, at which time Taylor’s entire cabinet resigned because they hated Fillmore’s creepy little guts. After his term in office ended (1853) Fillmore joined the Know-Nothing movement and opposed Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War. His most popular accomplishment was co-founding the Buffalo Historical Society. Holy crap.

I think I’d better eat something. I just tested my blood sugar and it was only 49, which is maybe two or three points away from calling 911 and certainly explains why I just wrote a Howdygram post about Millard Fillmore. Thank you for reading this.

Get a life, Donald. You’re an embarrassment.

So here’s what’s happening today at Howdygram headquarters! First, I woke up sometime in the middle the night to pee and discovered I was having a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episode which, in case you’re unfamiliar with this condition, feels like a combination of severe intoxication, altitude sickness and having a stroke. I ricocheted into the study to suck a few glucose tablets until I felt stronger but never actually went back to bed. A juicy nap is at the top of my afternoon agenda. I’m also hungry.

For your possible interest, below are my favorite hypoglycemia emergency supplies: 1) tasty chewable glucose tablets to raise my blood sugar; and 2) a handy plastic keychain thingy that holds four tablets in case I’m away from home. Both of these products are exceptionally cheap and I bought them online at Wal-Mart.

Second, by now all of you probably have seen and heard Donald Trump’s “big big announcement” about President Obama ... the “October surprise” that he promised would rock the universe and change the course of the election (see my last post). Donald’s horseshit of the day? If President Obama will produce his college transcripts and passport application, Trump will donate $5 million to the charity of his choice.

While the idiot pictured above is still desperately trying to find any shred of evidence, genuine or manufactured, to prove that President Obama was born in Kenya, the rest of us — you know, citizens with actual brains — are more concerned that Mitt Romney: 1) hasn’t disclosed his tax returns; 2) has no grasp of foreign policy; 3) can’t wait to repeal women’s rights to reproductive choice; and 4) still hasn’t revealed the details of his platform’s mystery financial plan. Holy crap, Donald ... GET A LIFE ALREADY. You’re the GOP’s answer to Honey Boo Boo! (Translation: an embarrassment.)

And while I’m on the subject, in case you’re still unfamiliar with loudmouthed Honey Boo Boo and her redneck relatives, here’s an opportunity check out the brat’s recent (attempted) interview with Dr. Drew. Mama June is seated next to her. They eat a steady diet of road kill, Pop Tarts and ramen noodles.



I just lost my appetite. Thank you for reading this.

Donald Trump is the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week.

I’ve seen a lot of surprising crap during six decades of life but today was really an all-time doozy. Sam and I attempted to vote this morning (early voting in Texas started yesterday) but at 9 a.m. our polling place looked like Wal-Mart on Black Friday with a line of people stretching all the way around the block. WE COULDN’T EVEN GET CLOSE. To cheer myself up I injected 15 units of insulin (in the car when nobody was looking) and we drove to Denny’s for Senior Scrambled Eggs. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) our overcrowded polling place at the Lakeside Activity Center; and C) Denny’s at Belt Line and U.S. 80.

As long as I’m on the subject of voting ... in another last-ditch effort to keep his name in the news, irrelevant GOP blowhard Donald Trump, the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week, is taunting America today with a “big big announcement” on Twitter tomorrow about President Obama ... something he promises will “change the election.” Does this pea-brain seriously think he’s fooling anybody with all this manufactured hype? Wake me when it’s over. (Thank you.)

But let’s move on to really important issues. There’s breaking news from Boston today, where condom-maker Trojan is seeking a permit to give away 10,000 vibrators at City Hall Plaza. In response to Trojan’s request, Mayor Tom Menino’s office issued a statement that distributing sex toys is an “inappropriate and irresponsible” use for the plaza. While I have no opinion about appropriate or inappropriate permits for city property, what really confuses me is why people with vibrators would need Trojan condoms. I’m just saying.

Glorioski ... here’s another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery! If you’re over 50 or just a fan of classic television, you’ll recognize Laura Petrie (“The Dick Van Dyke Show”), Thelma Lou (“The Andy Griffith Show”) and little Timmy Martin from the “Lassie” series after they replaced Tommy Rettig. I decided to throw in Leslie Caron at no extra charge because I just finished watching Gigi on TCM.

Before I sign off to reheat a few leftovers and put away laundry — not necessarily in that order because I’m starving — I wonder if any of you have seen that meaningless new Chanel TV commercial starring Brad Pitt. If not, take a look:



Aside from the fact that Brad Pitt sounds like he’s out of his mind, I’d like to know what’s wrong with modern women and why any of you would consider this skanky dude SEXY. Is it his dirty hair? That creepy beard? The crushed shirt? Holy crap, I’ve seen better-looking specimens sleeping on the curb in downtown Dallas! DON’T YOU PEOPLE REMEMBER WHAT A REAL MOVIE STAR LOOKS LIKE? I offer the following three photos, in case you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Thank you for reading this. It was nice of you to stop by. Next time, bring coffee cake.