Texas is run by a financial terrorist who also happens to be really, really stupid.

In this post: Food delivery, palpatations, Governor Hairdo.

As I hang around waiting for my Friday evening delivery from Artizone.com — baloney with olives! homemade tamales! bean salad! sliced turkey! — I thought I’d overshare some crap from yesterday when I experienced two exciting new symptoms of autonomic neuropathy, which is defined as follows by the National Library of Medicine:

Autonomic neuropathy is a group of symptoms that occur from damage to the nerves that manage everyday body functions, such as blood pressure, heart rate, sweating, body temperature, bladder control and digestion. Autonomic neuropathy is most frequently caused by diabetes.

Rick Perry, the gun-loving, abortion-hating secessionist.

In this post: Speedy deliveries, politics from hell.

Oh boy, everybody! UPS and FedEx deliveries are showing up SO DAMN FAST these days it’s making my head spin! I ordered Sam’s Vitamin D yesterday from Costco.com and it’s already on the truck for delivery this afternoon. My Subscribe & Save crapola from Amazon is arriving today, as well — one day early — and if that’s not enough to give an old lady a brain hemorrhage, our new platform bed frame and bedskirt are being delivered, too! ALL ON THE SAME DAY!

Crappy side effects, epic naps, gefilte fish and retro sex.

In this post: A message to Texans, diabetes sucks, historical erotica.

3 A.M. I’m parked at my desk with a headache and a nice tall Marcytini. Sam and I went to bed at midnight but I woke up two hours later with a miserable wet rash all over my body thanks to another battle with hypothermia. This is is a very crappy side effect of diabetic autonomic neuropathy and usually ends with a rash whenever my body tries too hard to generate its own heat. So I decide to take a shower at 2 a.m., and now I have to hang around until my hair dries because I don’t want the blow dryer to disturb Sam. It’s always something. Holy crap.

Go suck tumbleweeds, Governor Perry.

In this post: Victory for women, a Halloween surprise, hating my clients.

I’ve got some damn exciting news to share with y’all. A Federal judge has struck down Texas’ draconian new abortion law that would have closed nearly every abortion clinic in the state. It was supposed to take effect tomorrow but U.S. District Judge Lee Yeakel ultimately decided that Texas could not place unreasonable new restrictions on doctors performing abortions or throw additional obstacles in the path of women seeking abortion services. I have only one comment for Governor Perry: YEE-HAW AND GO SUCK TUMBLEWEEDS, YOU MISERABLE MISOGYNIST!

Once again we’re honoring the Lone Star State’s resident putz-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry.

In this post: Rick Perry does it again, dog stories.

I almost didn’t have a chance to write a Howdygram post tonight until Sam called from the office a few minutes ago to let me know he’ll be a couple of hours late getting home from work, probably sometime after midnight. Therefore, here I am. Lucky you!

First on my agenda is our latest Putz of the Week award, once again honoring the Lone Star State’s resident putz-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry, for encouraging the Texas National Guard to refuse to process requests from same-sex couples for spousal benefits despite the Pentagon’s explicit directive to do so. Texas was the only state that turned away gay and lesbian couples on Tuesday, the first working day that gays in the military were eligible to apply for benefits. Texas, again. What a shock.

The Lone Star State is America’s largest third-world country.

Behold the result of a middle-of-the-night low blood sugar episode. In my glucose-starved delirium I bought a complete set of Greek olive tapenades from Tassos.com and then wasted an hour fantasizing about how many fluffy home-made biscuits will be required to consume the contents of each jar.

I also placed a substantial order yesterday for a variety of Russell Stover’s outstanding sugar-free chocolates, mostly marshmallows, assorted buttercreams, little round caramel thingies and a bag of damn good knockoff York peppermint patties. I’m hoping, of course, that Russell Stover has the good sense to use well-insulated packaging at this time of year or I’ll end up with a carton of expensive brown soup. I wonder which puddle I’d want to eat first.

And now ... some breaking news from the Lone Star State, America’s largest third-world country. Apparently the oil and natural gas boom here has produced some unexpected results. Not only has fracking depleted the state’s dwindling water supply (see yesterday’s post), the oversized vehicles used by energy companies have destroyed our highways. And, since the Einsteins in Austin haven’t appropriated any money for repairs, they’re replacing more than 80 miles of major paved roadways with gravel.

That’s right, people ... GRAVEL ROADS.

On August 19 the Texas Department of Transportation began converting more than 80 miles of paved highways to gravel with a reduced posted speed limit of 30 m.p.h. The funds required for repaving won’t be available until sometime in 2014 providing our elected teabillies in Austin decide to approve a $1 billion appropriation. I won’t hold my breath in the meantime.

Texas is such an embarrassment I want to whack Rick Perry with my cane until he’s unconscious. Except I doubt that anybody would even notice.

This might be an excellent time for an afternoon nap since Sam is on his way to work and I can’t think of anything else to write about. Thank you for reading this!

Please donate if you’re feeling generous. We need all the help we can get.

So here’s the extra post I promised to write after dinner, this time focusing on the stupid yet pathetic high-ranking Republican teabillies of the Lone Star State, Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry and his faithful attorney general and governor-wannabe, Greg Abbott. Both have earned recognition tonight as the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week and Putz In Training, respectively. First up, Tricky Rick.

More than 30 towns in Rick Perry’s beloved west Texas will soon be out of water due to diversion of their underground water supply for UNREGULATED HYDRAULIC FRACKING that poisons the ground with arsenic as it extracts the water. Arsenic! And this is exactly what Texas’ idiot Republicans voted for. In spite of the vast agreement of climate scientists, the well-known destructive effects of fracking on dwindling water supplies, the seismic impact, and the visible evidence of drought and record heat, the clueless teabaggers in Texas continue to elect politicians who believe climate change is bogus and think the only answer for our devastating drought is organized prayer. Seriously, Rick Perry holds PRAYER MEETINGS. Let’s hope he can pray up some fresh drinking water for the poor, parched slobs who voted for him.

Next up: Texas’ Attorney General Greg Abbott, who’s clearly got his eye on the statehouse when the governor steps down in 2014. Yesterday an extreme Republican posted a comment on Twitter attacking Wendy Davis — the courageous Democratic state senator from Fort Worth who filibustered the legislature a few weeks ago to fight for women’s reproductive rights — and referred to her as an “idiot” and “retard Barbie” who “needs to be taught a life lesson.” In response, Greg Abbott tweeted back, “Thanks for your support!”


I immediately made a donation to the Texas Democratic Party so we can put an end to this sickening crap as soon as possible. Please click here if you’re feeling generous, okay? We need all the help we can get. Thank you.

Adios, Governor Goodhair. You sucked.

A few weeks ago I decided to love AT&T (see previous post) when I found out that U-Verse lets me program my DVR online. Well, screw that. I hate them again, and here’s why.

We’re having persistent issues with AT&T’s crappy router. Every 60 seconds it starts blinking red, which indicates all of the following: 1) our Internet connection is down; 2) there’s no home phone service (it’s digital); and 3) anything that’s recording on our DVR ends up pixellated, without sound and unwatchable. I’ve been trying to call AT&T for the last hour and a half but every time I’m next in line for a service technician THE PHONE SHUTS OFF AGAIN.

But wait ... there’s more! Wondering why I don’t just use my cell phone? THE BATTERY WON’T HOLD A CHARGE. (Another quality AT&T product, people.) I’ve got my cell charging (again) as I write this post; hopefully within the hour I’ll have enough juice stored up to call and raise hell. Stay tuned for further developments.

AND NOW, FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS. I never did talk to a real person at AT&T, but their sophisticated automated voice mail crapola diagnosed a problem with our equipment and set up an appointment for tomorrow so a technician can come by and fix whatever’s broken. Apparently he won’t need to physically set foot inside Howdygram headquarters, which is fine with me because I never wear a brassiere in July or August. (Or September.)

And as long as I’m accomplishing projects, I’d like to offer updates on the Monday “do” list mentioned in last night’s Howdygram post. First, I verified today that Blue Cross will cover acupuncture treatments provided they’re for chronic pain — as opposed to weird horseshit like curing knuckle hair or beating your craving for chocolate — which is swell news in case I decide to go this route for help with my arthritis and neuropathy issues. As an insulin-dependent diabetic I’m not exactly convinced that I want additional needles in my life, but I’m no big fan of arthritis and neuropathy pain, either. Holy crap.

Second, I was involved in a pleasant online chat a few minutes ago with a Norelco customer service dude named Rafael when all of a sudden I fixed Sam’s busted rechargeable razor all by myself! When the aforementioned service dude asked me to hunt for the serial number (it’s inside the beard trimmer attachment) I figured out the broken top wasn’t actually broken at all. I snapped it right back into place, switched on the razor and shaved off all the hair on my right arm. This was so much fun I’m also considering a couple of toes!

And now, my final thought for the day ...

In case you haven’t heard the news, Rick “Einstein” Perry announced today that he WILL NOT seek another term as governor of Texas. Glorioski, people, this is so damn exciting I might need Mongolian chicken for dinner! I have no idea what he plans to do instead (God forbid if he’s got the White House in his crosshairs again) but I think it’s high time for Governor Goodhair to take his right-wing dumbshittery into the private sector, maybe as a lobbyist for Smith & Wesson or as pastor of a patriotic mega-church. If my knees didn’t hurt I’d consider a couple of celebration cartwheels. Yee-haw!

Thank you for reading this.

It’s time to give up on the Olympics.

There’s a lot of hot breaking news to report tonight! The top stories from Howdygram headquarters are: 1) FedEx just dropped off our gigantic crate of sausages from Kreuz Market; 2) my lousy health issues are finally on the mend, including the lousy plantar fasciitis flare-up in my right heel and lousy joint pain due to an overdose of chia seeds; 3) I have 15 new fonts (see below); and 4) I can’t think of anything else.

In case you haven’t been paying attention, there was a coup today in Egypt! President Mohamed Morsi, pictured at right, has been placed under house arrest by throngs of screaming Egyptians, and Adly Mansour, head of Egypt’s Supreme Constitutional Court, is the new interim big cheese. Since I have no idea what the hell any of this means, the Howdygram’s official position will simply be HOLY CRAP until we can figure out what going on besides hysteria and cool fireworks.

From our Send in the Clowns department, on July 8 Governor Rick “Oops” Perry, the laughingstock of Texas, will announce his official 2016 run for the White House, thereby guaranteeing another landslide win for the Democrats and unlimited material for comedy writers from coast to coast.

I have no idea who’s advising this Einstein to get back onto the national stage, but it’s extremely clear here at home that the good people of Texas are sick of Rick Perry and his right-wing Christian Taliban. His message to America — providing he remembers the script — will be terrifying. Be sure to pay attention, okay?

Our foreign news desk reports that Islamist Chechen rebels have threatened to destroy, shit on and generally ruin the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, Russia, promising to use “every method provided by Allah” and “maximum force.” Know what? Any country that decides to show up for that debacle deserves what it gets. Islamic terrorists are deadly enough when we don’t know what they’re planning … can you imagine the mayhem when they announce this crap in advance? I wouldn’t go anywhere near that place, either as an athlete or a spectator. Good Lord.

Which brings me to my next point: I think it’s time to give up on the Olympics altogether. Host countries go bankrupt trying to outdo each other with outrageous infrastructure, the expense of massive stadiums, and venues for specific sports that nobody will ever use again. Plus there’s the security aspect, with morons and evildoers always threatening to pee in everybody’s Cheerios. I’m sick of the whole thing. Face it, does anybody really give a crap how fast some dude from Norway can hurl himself down the side of a mountain?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Yee-haw for the progressive women of Texas!

Hi, people! Sam expects to be at the office all night with a group of in-house clients, so here I am, horsing around with the Howdygram and pondering my next meal. Something involving Beanit Butter is a distinct possibility. But first, a post.

Let’s begin with a gigantic YEE-HAW for the progressive women of Texas who rallied today in Austin, protesting Rick Perry’s 19th century anti-abortion regulations that would shut down safe and legal women’s clinics throughout the state. Check out these crowds ... and a close-up of my favorite sign!

In case you’re wondering, on July 9 the Texas Senate will try again to pass Perry’s anti-abortion horseshit. If I didn’t have so many mobility issues — i.e., crappy feet, crappy knees and diabetic neuropathy — I’d volunteer to be first in line for the festivities at the state capitol. This is like the 1960s all over again, except I don’t have any classes tomorrow!  

I’m having issues tonight with my blog software, such as annoying error messages and a “preview” feature that isn’t working. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to publish my post when I’m finally through writing it. In a word, this STINKS. I reported the problem to the Blogger user network but haven’t heard back from anybody. I’ll bet they’re all watching TV.

Actually, TV sounds like a pretty good idea right about now because I’ve got some fine films stored on our DVR. These include: Broadway Melody of 1936 starring Robert Taylor and Eleanor Powell, Rebecca (1940) starring Joan Fontaine and Laurence Olivier, Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter (1957) starring Tony Randall and Jayne Mansfield and That Touch of Mink (1962) starring Doris Day and Cary Grant. All fantastic movies, am I right?

Thanks for stopping by. I have to try and publish this post now.

Five important things for a Wednesday night.

Just a quick little post tonight before I poop out in the family room with Meet Me in St. Louis and a lot of food. Five things.

THING #1. The madhouse we were expecting here at Howdygram headquarters this morning never quite materialized because almost everything came off on schedule and without a hitch. The only exception? Replacing the cracked bay window in the master bedroom has been postponed because the replacement glass was cracked, too. Holy crap and stay tuned.

THING #2. Anybody see Paula Deen’s meltdown on the “Today” show this morning? In case you missed it, she treated America to 15 minutes of fake sobbing and clueless blame-shifting, at one point commenting to Matt Lauer, “I is who I is.” What was that ... her best non-racist Uncle Remus imitation?

THING #3. Of all people, the Reverend Jesse Jackson spoke up this afternoon in support of Paula Deen and believes “she can be redeemed.” Seriously, Jesse? How much money is she paying for your valuable endorsement?

THING #4. Mazel tov and yee-haw to Democratic Texas state senator Wendy Davis for her brave and successful filibuster last night to prevent passing the most restrictive anti-abortion law in the United States. Vagina-obsessed Republicans led by Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry had been attempting to end safe and legal abortion services in Texas by shutting down every abortion clinic in the state. Perry, the Howdygram’s only four-time Putz of the Week award recipient, has already announced another vote for July 1, this time vowing to keep the “angry and unruly mob” of protesting women in and around the state capitol from interfering with his “important government work.” I’ve got a news flash for Governor Hairdo. Eighty percent of Texans DON’T WANT your stinking abortion restrictions, and that unruly mob of protesting women are your CONSTITUENTS. You work for us, you idiot!

THING #5. I loved the Supreme Court’s decision this morning to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act so same-sex marriage can be recognized by the federal government. It’s about time and this makes me really happy.

Sam is on his way home from work so maybe I’d better mosey along and publish this post. (In case you’re interested, Sam’s birthday is Saturday. But don’t tell him I said anything, okay?)

Today it’s a Rick Perry “double whammy.”

When you live in Texas it’s easy to find candidates for Putz of the Week because you never have to look beyond Rick “Einstein” Perry’s office in Austin. Even though the Howdygram blasted Governor Hairdo yesterday for his veto of equal pay legislation for women, we have an opportunity today to elevate him to full Putz of the Week status ... his fourth award in less than six months. Because today we have a double whammy.

First, this morning the aforementioned Governor Hairdo vetoed two bipartisan ethics bills that would — get ready for this — eliminate all state funding for the prosecutor’s unit that is investigating his prized cancer research fund. One of the hundreds of cases being investigated by District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg includes the potential misuse of $56 million in grants by the Cancer Prevention and Research Institute of Texas (CPRIT), especially grants to companies who supported Perry’s reelection and (what a shock) somehow didn’t have to pass through the normal review process. And Perry personally appoints all of the well-compensated CPRIT board members.

According to Craig McDonald of Texans for Public Justice, “Perry’s office is an ethical black hole. Ethics reform goes in. Nothing comes out.” McDonald’s group had filed a criminal complaint earlier Friday over the governor’s acknowledgment that he would veto funding if Rosemary Lehmberg did not resign. Lehmberg refused, and Perry cut the funding. Once again, he continues to eliminate every possible way the public can get to the bottom of his bullshit.

Second (you remembered there’s a second item coming, right?), Governor Hairdo signed another bill this morning that requires laid-off workers in Texas to submit to mandatory drug testing in order to receive unemployment benefits ... even though employers already hold insurance policies that provide this compensation. Perry said, “Texas is a state where personal responsibility is very important, and recipients of unemployment benefits have a responsibility to be prepared to work when an opportunity presents itself.”

Seriously? According to the American Civil Liberties Union, “The testing mandated by this bill should thus require probable cause that a crime has been committed. It does not. Being unemployed is not a crime.” (Unless you live in Texas.)

This kind of crap has been tried — without success — in other states. Out of 87,000 drug tests in Arizona, one applicant tested positive for drugs; in Florida, 51,000 drug tests yielded 21 positives. At a cost of $42 per test, Arizona and Florida spent $5.8 million to stop 22 people from collecting benefits. It’s pretty clear (to me, anyway) that Rick Perry is just setting up a nice windall for a hunting buddy who owns a drug-testing company.

On a personal note, I particularly take offense to Perry’s comment about “personal responsibility.” Hey Einstein, how about allowing women a little personal responsibility to decide whether or not to terminate an unwanted pregnancy?

Holy crap. I really HATE this guy.

In other news, we had some crazy-ass thunderstorms roll through here during the night. I remember hearing them around 4 a.m. (they have to be awfully loud to wake ME up) and we must have had a brief power failure because this morning all the digital clocks in the house were blinking and my computer was off. More storms are forecast this afternoon and tonight, which is fine with me. I always enjoy free entertainment.

Thank you for reading this.

Rick Perry, the bogus job creator.

He’s done it again, people. Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry has vetoed HB 950, a bill designed to prevent wage discrimination against women that would have dragged Texas kicking and screaming into line with the federal Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act that allows women to sue employers for wage discrimination. Why the veto? Because Perry says it could lead to “more regulations and hurt job creation.” And, you know, God forbid he should do anything for the women in his state, who are already breaking under the burden of unfair wages, forced pregnancies and childbirth, no public aid and reduced medical care options.

As for Governor Hairdo’s real record on job creation, he never bothers to tell you that jobs in Texas are primarily minimum wage. We have the highest percentage of underpaid hourly employees with no health care in the United States — more than half a million earning less than $7.25 per hour — ranking us right up there with good ol’ Mississippi. And Perry just signed a budget slashing $15 billion in programs over the next two years that cuts thousands of jobs in government services and education.

But wait … there’s more! This week Einstein refused to sign a bill making texting-while-driving a misdemeanor (he says he doesn’t want to “micromanage” anybody) but approved the “Merry Christmas” bill so public schools can’t get fined for hanging up construction paper Santas. Seriously, this idiot dude and his bullshit priorities really make me want to PUKE.

To cheer myself up I think I’ll take a nice hot shower, eat things and watch another Esther Williams movie. Thrill of a Romance and a large quantity of leftover Chinese food sound really PERFECT right now.

Rick Perry deserves another Putz of the Week award more than anybody else on the planet.

It’s almost 8:30 and I haven’t eaten dinner yet. This kind of lead-in sentence can only mean one thing: I’ve got some great crap to share with you, and for the moment I’d rather write than eat. This could change at any time, however.

Once again the Howdygram is honoring the Lone Star State’s biggest embarrassment, Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, with our Putz of the Week award. This is Perry’s third win in case you’re keeping track.

Like a sad and desperate former rock star, Perry is currently touring America to lure jobs and businesses to Texas, touting the state’s low taxes and lack of annoying regulations and government interference. California laughed him off the airwaves; this week in Illinois he received a nasty reception from government officials. Nobody’s buying what Perry’s selling, and this is most likely because:

1. During the last national election Governor Einstein seriously suggested that Texas should secede from the union.
2. Half the adult population of Texas doesn’t have a high school diploma or GED.
3. We’re the 9th poorest state in the nation. 
4. Texas ranks 46th of the 50 states in education and just laid off 49,000 teachers.
5. State lawmakers voted to rewrite history textbooks from a religious and reactionary viewpoint.
6. Texas is tied with Mississippi for the highest percentage of workers in minimum wage, no-benefits jobs.
7. We have the highest percentage of medically uninsured residents of any state.
8. Texas holds the record for most Death Row executions, even if you’re innocent.

So why am I bringing this up? Because Perry got hugely pissed off this week by a political cartoon published in the Sacramento Bee, which appears below for your possible interest.

Lots of commenters online, as well as Rick Perry, thought the cartoon was horrible and tasteless and mocked the dead and wounded in the West, Texas, fertilizer plant explosion. They missed the point. The artist isn’t mocking the dead and wounded ... HE’S MOCKING RICK PERRY. The fertilizer plant hadn’t been inspected by the state of Texas since 2006 and was storing highly volatile ammonium nitrate at 1,370 times the legal limit. Worse yet, Texas has no statewide zoning regulations and allows individual municipalities to decide these issues on their own without intervention. This explains how come the fertilizer plant in question was adjacent to an apartment complex, a middle school and a nursing home, all of which were flattened by an explosion so enormous it left a 93-foot wide crater and registered 2.6 on the Richter scale. Rick Perry deserves another Putz of the Week award more than anybody else on the planet.

Thank you for letting me rant.

And now, because I am diabetic with quickly-plummeting blood sugar, I need to turn my attention to something really important: EATING THINGS. At the moment I’m considering a large pot of steamed California blend veggies with fake spray-on butter and a nice little bowl of chicken whatnots in sugar-free teriyaki sauce. The veggies and whatnots are both convenient frozen products Schwan’s and pictured below. The teriyaki sauce (see right) is another brilliant offering from Netrition that tastes so damn good you’d never guess it’s low-carb and will probably make those strange little whatnots practically edible.

Thank you for stopping by tonight. Tell your friends, okay?

Neanderthals are alive and well in the Lone Star State.

What a day I’ve had! In addition to completing most of the activities outlined in my previous post — filling my new canisters and making tacos for lunch — I also found time to: 1) watch four hours of the inaugural parade and accompanying CNN commentary while I finished rolling a couple hundred dollars’ worth of Sam’s loose pocket change; 2) eat dinner; 3) clean out the pantry; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Trust me, numbers 1 and 3 were monumental accomplishments. Especially number 3. The pantry is so damn gorgeous right now that I’ll bet Sam won’t recognize it when he gets home tonight. THIS IS THE PROUDEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE! (I might be exaggerating a little.)

For the record, my pillow sham activities have been rescheduled for tomorrow. A girl can only tackle so many projects in one day before her brain explodes.

My niece Allison sent some pictures tonight from my mom’s 90th birthday party in November. I thought I’d include a couple of them here because I think mom looks amazing. She’s in a nursing home and confined to a wheelchair, but she still gets her hair and nails done every week and wouldn’t think about leaving her room without lipstick. Holy crap.

I just read an article that Harvard geneticist George Church thinks it’s possible to reverse-engineer the Neanderthal genome and pass their long-extinct advantages to our own offspring. He says all that’s needed is an “extremely adventurous female human” to be a surrogate mother. When Church was asked by the German magazine Der Spiegel if a Neanderthal baby could be born in his lifetime, Church, who is 58, replied, “That depends on a hell of a lot of things, but I think so.”

Somebody should introduce Church to Rick Perry, pictured above in full dress makeup for another anti-abortion speech to the Texas legislature. Neanderthals already lead productive lives here in the Lone Star State!

I’m too pooped to write a complex post so I’ll simply close with a photo from President Obama’s inauguration earlier today along with a big fat MAZEL TOV to our cute first family from Howdygram headquarters.

Thank you for reading this.

Mazel tov to Governor Rick Perry, the Howdygram’s Putz of the Week.

He did it again. He opened his big dumb mouth and said something so embarrassing he makes me want to jump in front of a speeding bus. Or better yet, he should jump in front of a speeding bus!

I’m referring to Rick Perry, of course, the Einstein governor of Texas who thinks President Obama’s gun control proposal — which would end the sale of high-powered assault weapons and increase background checks — is “a disgusting anti-Christian, anti-patriotic act being advanced by Satan.” (I wouldn’t joke about this.) Perry added, “The piling on by the political left, and their cohorts in the media, to use the massacre of little children to advance a pre-existing political agenda that would not have saved those children, disgusts me personally.”

Holy crap. Once again, the Howdygram has no choice but to present this half-brained ammo-loving Neanderthal with our coveted Putz of the Week award.

Gilberto Hinojosa, chair of the Texas Democratic Party, called Governor Einstein’s comments “ridiculous and offensive’’ because Perry apparently believes that the answer to the horrific tragedy at Newtown is to encourage heavily-armed teachers and concealed handguns in schools, guns on college campuses and in dormitories, guns at soccer games, guns at frat parties, and guns at large-scale public events where alcohol, aggression and emotion already lead to violence. Hinojosa concluded, “Twenty children have died, and Perry sees it as an opportunity to push his own radical agenda. Nothing could be sicker and more of an abuse of power. We have a governor who thinks the answer to our societal problems is a wild west shoot-out.”

For the record, and this should come as no surprise whatsoever, the state of Texas ranks first in the U.S. in the sale of guns and ammunition and dead last in spending for Women’s Health, Children’s Health and Education. We also don’t have any decent delicatessens.

Thanks for stopping by. Drop me a line sometime, okay?

Rick “Einstein” Perry wants to run for president again. Haven’t we been embarrassed enough?

To demonstrate to you what kind of strangely un-Jewish city this can be, the Dallas Morning News’ restaurant critic today named The Best Dish in Dallas 2012: SAUSAGE-STUFFED SUCKLING PIG from Private Social Restaurant. (Yes, that’s really the name of the restaurant.) She writes: “Chef Tiffany Derry went all-out on this one, stuffing incredibly flavorful suckling pig with house-made sausage and garnishing it with strands of fried pig’s ear.” Sure doesn’t sound very Hanukkah-friendly, does it?

The South shall rise again, people. Maybe sooner than you think. And I have this on very good authority, because Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry is making noise about attempting another presidential campaign in 2016. Oy, haven’t we been embarrassed enough yet?

While Texas’ House Speaker Joe Straus has traveled around the state insisting that lawmakers start tackling the essentials — public education, college accessiblity, water for cities and agriculture, roads and infrastructure — Perry clings instead to a rigid platform that holds down spending on necessities to promote his own extreme, right-wing agenda: A shitload of guns for everybody (including college campuses and school classrooms), private school vouchers, massive outdoor Christian prayer meetings and increasingly severe restrictions on women’s reproductive rights and access to health care. Tanene Allison, spokeswoman for the state Democratic Party, said Perry’s priorities are aimed at a narrow constituency and do nothing for a growing state and the needs of its people. Yup, that’s our Einstein. Governor Corndog claims to have national political ambitions — “America deserves a God-fearing Christian patriot in the White House!” — but also thinks Texas should secede from the United States. Welcome to Bubba’s School of Politics.

Personally, I think the most pressing need for this constituent is MORE FONTS. Below are the latest acquisitions here at Howdygram headquarters:

And now I’d like to highlight five celebrities who died in 2012. Pictured below are: 1) actor Larry Hagman, 81, and his eyebrows of distinction; 2) the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, 92, self-proclaimed messiah of the Unification Church, who died on June 25 but has not successfully risen from the grave as of this writing; 3) actor and TV host Gary Collins, 74, who died with no lips; 4) character actor Harry Carey, Jr., 91 (I seriously thought he was already dead); and 5) N. Joseph Woodland, age 91, co-inventor of the bar code.

It’s 11:15 p.m. here, and before I sign off for the night I think I should mention that FedEx just left a package on our front doorstep. I’m speechless. I knew I was expecting a delivery today, but when it hadn’t arrived by 7 I figured I’d have to wait until Monday. Wrong! A nice big carton of freeze-dried whatnots from Thrive is waiting for me in the kitchen!

I just realized something. Maybe Sam and I can go out for breakfast in the morning! I’m thinking about The Steak Angus in downtown Mesquite because they have a buffet and we love all-you-can-eat scrambled eggs. Thank you for reading this.

Rick Perry, decrepit fonts and mentally ill blintzes.

Good morning from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters! Okay, I agree that “bowels” might be unnecessarily graphic, but I’m at a loss how else to describe sitting at my desk with TicTacs at 5:18 a.m. If  you come up with something better please send an email as soon as possible. Thank you.

This will be an outstanding week around here due to the number of exciting deliveries on the way. These include: 1) zero-calorie Miracle Rice; 2) a six-pack of Fifty50 sugar-free peanut butter; 3) two cartons of Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls; 4) a case of 12 little pouches of pink salmon; 5) Jok-n-Al No-Carb Lemon Curd; 6) another bottle of Jok-n-Al No-Carb Chili Pepper Sauce because I got addicted after trying this heavenly crap for the first time last week; 7) Fiber Gourmet low-calorie spaghetti; 8) Bella Vita low-carb pasta sauce; and 9) several bottles of DaVinci sugar-free raspberry and peach syrups because Sam and I love to make phosphates. In case you’re interested, I ordered items 1 through 4 from Amazon and 5 through 9 from Netrition.

Incidentally, I have no idea what lemon curd is (item 5, above) but I’m hoping it’s like the filling for a lemon meringue pie. I’ve got a grand plan to smear it on a low-carb flour tortilla — maybe with ricotta cheese and a pile of Equal — and pretend I’m eating dessert or a mentally ill blintz with sour cream on top. (Stop laughing.) Stay tuned for a complete review. If this turns out to be edible I’ll even post my recipe.

From our Macintosh News You Can Use department, I’ve been having occasional slowdown issues with my Mac for the last couple of months that culminated yesterday afternoon with a bizarre “out of memory” error while I was horsing around in Adobe Illustrator. Out of memory? What the hell! So I called my computer guru, Betty, who suggested this is probably a FONT CONFLICT and not really a memory issue at all. My assignment? DUMP MY OLDEST FONTS BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE NEWER FORMATS. Holy crap, this is like asking a bum to give up muscatel.

Regardless, I spent the next three hours examining and trashing more than 350 decrepit old PostScript fonts that I haven’t used for years decades, some with file dates from the mid-1990s. Almost as old as my underwear! I was happy to dump them, though, in exchange for no more system errors, and I’m pleased to report that my Mac’s performance has already improved considerably.

Please clap your hands if you share my joy. Thank you.

And finally, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the latest recipient of our coveted Putz of the Week Award ... Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, who thinks the answer to last week’s massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary is for school teachers to carry assault weapons in the classroom. I’m guessing he also recommends shoulder holsters, ammo belts and camouflage gear.

In a speech on Monday to the North Tarrant County Tea Party, Perry added “One thing I hope I don’t see is a knee-jerk reaction from Washington, where they come in and think they know the answers.” Seriously, Governor Einstein ... do you think you have the answers? This is the same horse’s ass who carries a semi-automatic pistol when he walks his dog — in a residential neighborhood — in case he has to get tough and blast a cranky squirrel. I CAN’T STAND THIS GUY.

I should go back to bed for a while. Thank you for reading this.

If men were the childbearing gender of our species, abortion would be legal, free and sacred.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning sneezing my fool head off. Because it’s difficult to sleep through a prolonged sneezegasm attack and the resulting nasal clog issues (translation: my head feels like concrete), I decided to haul myself out of bed, drink a peach phosphate and read the latest news about Rick “Einstein” Perry, the medieval right-wing governor of Texas. This time we’ll review Ricky-Boy’s announcement on December 11 that he’s throwing his full support behind a yet-to-be-filed “fetal pain” bill that’s based on questionable but church-approved science. And I use the term “science” loosely here.

Perry said yesterday in his speech to a Jesus-based clinic for women: “This session I’m calling on the legislature to strengthen our ban on the procedure, prohibiting abortion at the point a baby can feel the pain of being killed. We have an obligation to end that kind of cruelty. We will not stand idly by while the unborn are going through the agony of having their lives ended.”

Holy mother of crap. I CAN’T STAND THIS GUY.

With critical statewide budget shortfalls, deteriorating highways and education funding in a shambles, Governor Einstein’s biggest concern continues to be a clump of accidental cells in a woman’s uterus. Somebody should give him a copy of the memo that family planning, birth control and abortion — all of which have been legal medical services in the United States for decades — ARE NONE OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS. It’s not his uterus, it’s MINE. Trust me: if men were the childbearing gender of our species, abortion would be legal, free and sacred.

I need to calm down now. I’m all knotted-up.

Today’s agenda at Howdygram headquarters will include: 1) an ongoing laundry marathon featuring socks, underwear and way too many robes; 2) our biweekly Schwan’s delivery; 3) watching episode two of The Thorn Birds that I recorded last night; 4) making a pot of Marcy’s Five-Minute Stupid Soup; and 5) I can’t think of anything else.

I’ll post my recipe for Stupid Soup in a few minutes so don’t go away. Thank you.

God bless Texas. Is this a crock, or what?

In case you’re wondering why I haven’t written much about our weather lately it’s because we haven’t had any. Today was really cold; tomorrow will be a smidgen less. That’s about all I have to say on the subject because there’s still no precipitation in the forecast and we’ve only had half an inch of rain since mid-October. This explains why our cattle are enjoying greener pastures in Oklahoma for the duration of the drought. Heartbreaking, isn’t it? I miss the big lugs. (I also miss rain.)

Before I get carried away with tonight’s breaking news I thought I’d post the latest edition of our Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring a pair of celebrities with and without makeup. Next time you think you look lousy in the morning, picture Goldie and Kathy.

And now for tonight’s breaking news from Texas! Apparently Governor Rick Perry and his remedial right-wing legislative yahoos finally understand the birds and the bees. After de-funding Planned Parenthood during the last session —yet another attempt to outlaw abortion — and cutting $76.5 million from the state’s budget for essential family planning services to 285,000 poor women, they’ve all suddenly realized there will be 23,760 more babies born in Texas by 2015 than if these women had been given access to birth control. And the cost of all those extra babies in state funds will be an estimated $273 million, mostly from additional Medicaid costs. So now Governor Einstein is scrambling to figure out how to add back funding for family planning, which is no easy feat because the de-funding process is nearly complete and the state’s network of clinics and physicians has been dismantled. God bless Texas. Is this a crock, or what?

Take a guess which blockbuster 1980s mini-series is on Encore this week. Give up? The Thorn Birds starring Richard Chamberlain, Rachel Ward and Barbara Stanwyck! It’s been at least 25 years since I’ve seen it, and every raunchy minute is still burned into my brain. I CAN’T WAIT. I might even force Sam to sit through it. If I volunteer to make homemade tacos maybe he’ll manage to stay awake.

The Thorn Birds tells the 50-year saga of a family in Australia’s outback. Meggie falls in love with her priest (oy) and the situation creates so much angst for the people in her orbit that your screen could melt. Even if you’re not into chick flicks, The Thorn Birds is worth every minute of your time if for no other reason than to watch scene-stealer Barbara Stanwyck at age 76 in her last role as matriarch Mary Carson. She won an Emmy for this part, primarily for an unforgettable segment where she tries to seduce Richard Chamberlain.

I assume Sam is working late tonight because he should have been home about half an hour ago — duh! — so maybe I’ll take a nice hot shower and watch a little TV while I wait for him to call and tell me what’s what. Thank you reading this, and I hope you’re still having a very happy Hanukkah.