Their mothers must be so proud.

The four-man U.S. bobsled team led by John Napier crashed during its first heat yesterday at the Whistler Sliding Track in Vancouver. After the sled overturned the stupid contraption ran the entire course upside-down on the team’s heads at 95 m.p.h, which made for some pretty exciting action waiting to see if anybody got creamed. (Thank God for helmets, right?)

From what I can tell, most bobsledders aren’t exactly “young” in terms of athletes ... they’re typically overweight men in their 30s without any real jobs who seriously believe horsing around like this is a sport and gives them special value as human beings. Four men dressed in Speedo wetsuits sit on top of each other in a $100,000 sled squished like sardines and shoot down a track of ice ... and three of them don’t even get to see where they’re going. My question is, if the guy in front steers the sled and the guy in back is the brakeman, what do the men in the middle do — sing Broadway show tunes?

The only real level of skill in bobsledding is apparently how fast they can jump in at the beginning, because there’s always an announcer screaming, “That's their fastest start time yet! THE AMERICANS ARE SO GOOD AT GETTING INTO THE SLED!” Their mothers must be so proud.

And the best part is, nobody fell down!

A hearty Howdygram MAZEL TOV to the top six women figure skaters for their great show last night in Vancouver. No kidding, this was the first Olympics I can recall in recent history where nobody landed on their ass and the winning score wasn’t based on who screwed up the least. While this might be viewed as a disappointment in some circles, I was mighty amazed by the skaters’ ability to wear large amounts of lip gloss and nail all their jumps under such intense pressure. Of particular note was the gold medalist from South Korea (pictured), whose name is either Yu-Na Kim or Kim Yu-Na depending on which news article you’re reading. Before the competition she told a reporter that she would be a disgrace to her entire country and everybody would stop loving her if she didn’t win gold. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that sounds like some really heavy nationalistic crap to pile on a 95-pound figure skater. Maybe she should consider another line of work, like retail sales. Thank you for reading this.

And now, a quick Olympics recap.

It was a busy weekend in Vancouver. In case you haven’t been paying attention, your remote Howdygram reporter (me) is pleased to offer a brief overview of Saturday and Sunday’s highlights. For starters, Bode Miller won gold for the U.S. in the Men’s Super Combined (downhill skiing and slalom), the U.S. hockey team creamed Canada, Apolo Ohno took bronze in 1,000-meter Short Track Speedskating, and lots of uncoordinated athletes fell down mountains, landed on their butts and crashed their bobsleds. The Men’s 30km Pursuit cross-country race was particularly fun to watch because it was 55°, the course was a pile of slush and the skiiers were all waddling around like they had a pantload. Marcus Hellner from Sweden won the gold.

And then we get to ice dancing, an Olympic event that’s really deteriorated over the years. They started out on Saturday with every couple doing the same damn dance one at a time, which is so boring you’d have a better time watching your eyebrows grow. (The judges may need to see this, but WE sure don’t.) The next day all the couples came back to do their own version of a national folk dance from any country on the planet. Fair enough. But the Russian dancers decided to interpret Australian Aborginals and showed up in red loincloths with shrubs glued to their skates. They looked like a pair of idiots.

Halfway into their stupid routine (which included pulling each other’s hair) I prayed for another couple like Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean, who won gold skating to Ravel’s Bolero at the 1984 Olympics in Sarajevo. Torvill and Dean scored a perfect 6.0 from every judge; nobody’s ever matched them since. Here’s the video:


Of course, one Olympic event that always stirs the soul is CURLING ... an exhilarating game for physically-challenged and socially inept men that’s basically shuffleboard on ice played with crockpots and brooms. The Norweigans (pictured below) like to dress up in clown pants.

Another nitwit bites the dust.

Sam has zero interest in men’s figure skating. I’m not sure why, although it’s my guess he just doesn’t enjoy the spectacle of skinny, fruity guys spinning around in velvet Romeo costumes. But they don’t bother ME, so last night I decided to watch the men’s figure skating finals from Vancouver. For about an hour the competition was a little tedious. Some of the skaters were goony, one had really bad skin, none were very interesting and everybody fell down. Eventually we get to the GOOD STUFF ... the last group of six who had the highest scores after the short program on Tuesday.

In a well-deserved upset, U.S. figure skater Evan Lysacek turned in a gold medal performance against Evgeny Plushenko from Russia, the smarmy little nitwit who was so positive he’d won that he actually blew kisses to the judges after his performance. Always striving to maintain his status as the biggest jerk on ice, after Plushenko lost the gold to Lysacek he remarked to reporters: “I suppose Evan needs the medal more than I do. Maybe it’s because I already have one.” Lysacek (left) and Plushenko are pictured above.

In other Olympics news, those wacky sports-loving South Koreans apparently hold such unfathomable hatred for U.S. short track speed skater Apolo Ohno that online blogs and bulletin boards are plastered with nasty posts and death threats. The bad blood goes back eight years to the Olympics in Salt Lake City, where South Koreans think Ohno stole the gold from Kim Dong-sung, who finished first in the 1500-meter race but was disqualified for blocking. As a result, angry anti-Ohno emails numbering in the thousands shut down the U.S. Olympic Committee server for nine hours, a South Korean company manufactured toilet paper with Ohno’s face on every sheet, and there’s even a South Korean video game featuring an Ohno character you can shoot in the head. Oy ... talk about SORE LOSERS. I’m surprised the Olympic Committee hasn’t disqualified the entire country of South Korea for being unsportsmanlike SLOBS. Thank you for reading this.

Sometimes we get what we deserve.

U.S. snowboard cross hotshot Lindsey Jacobellis screwed up her chances for an Olympic win today when she veered off course during the semi-finals and failed to qualify for the medal round. Know what? I LOVE THIS NEWS. Lindsey Jacobellis is the same screwball who loused up her chance for a gold medal at the 2006 Olympics in Torino by showboating during the final seconds of the race, landing on her ass (see video clip below) and then spending the next four years refusing to admit what she did even though the whole world saw it on live TV. She’s STILL trying to make everybody believe it was just a “snowboard trick that didn’t work.” BALONEY. Even the sports commentators knew what she did. I, for one, can’t wait to see the video clip of today’s semi-final run. (To my readers: I apologize if you think I’m being a snot, but it really feels terrific to vent like this now and then.)

In other news that has absolutely nothing to do with the winter Olympics, MY NEW MACINTOSH COMPUTER WAS INSTALLED YESTERDAY. It’s truly a thing of beauty and I want to thank Steve Jobs and his Macintosh gods for their latest creation. Have a nice day and shalom to everybody!

The Winter Olympics, day two.

Here’s breaking news from your official Howdygram remote correspondent to the Winter Olympics! Some of today’s significant stories from Vancouver include:

• Shani Davis did not medal in the 5,000 meter race. This certainly was no huge surprise to anybody after the U.S. speedskater was caught on camera spitting and yawning less than 60 seconds before the event began. His roommate in the Olympic Village says Shani also forgot to make his bed. 
• There are way too many Austrians in the ski jump events. I learned today that many of these athletes continue jumping well into their 30s because “the money is still there.” My question is, who the hell keeps paying these people to jump off mountains? Does anybody in Austria ever get a real job?
• U.S. figure skater Johnny Weir is scared. He had to hire extra security after receiving snotty emails and threatening letters from activists because he likes to wear fur on his costumes. Frankly, this story ranks very high on my Who Gives A Crap List. Sure, the fur looks stupid, but I don’t think you have to hire a hitman or anything.

And now, in honor of the Chinese New Year, I’m going to order in a pile of food and celebrate the Year of the Egg Roll. Thank you for reading this.

Oy, it's the Winter Olympics.

No offense, but I honestly can’t think of anything more boring than a bunch of Canadians. Tonight’s opening ceremonies for the Vancouver Olympics included a number of opportunities to cure your insomnia: costumed Eskimos and Indians dancing around four phallic totem poles, the history of Canada narrated by Donald Sutherland, several medleys of the top two songs from Canada’s hit parade, God Save the Queen and O Canada, plus some award-winning artificial snow falling from the stadium ceiling. Adding to the games’ excitement: crappy weather, a Russian luge athlete who got killed today during a practice run and another chance to watch showoff snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis acting like a nitwit. Keep an eye on the Howdygram for more Olympics news in the days to come!