Creepy Einsteins and twisted role models.

Surprise! The only story in the news today is Whitney Houston’s funeral somewhere in bowels of New Jersey, with live video coverage plastered across the front of every major — and minor — news website in the country. I don’t get this, folks. She’s being treated like a fallen head of state — a national treasure who led a meaningful life of public service — rather than a has-been last-century singer whose addictions to crack and alcohol drove her into poverty and then killed her. And of course, America’s unrelenting opportunists extraordinaire, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, are front and center heading up the cast of today’s all-star mourners. All of these fine citizens are pictured below for your possible interest.

I apologize if you think this post is crabby and cynical. Truth is, I’m just sick and tired of creepy Einsteins and twisted role models.

Thank you for reading this. I desperately need a Marcy-tini and a two-hour nap.

P.S. It’s still raining. Yay.

Pests, idiots and Einsteins. The madness continues.

I’m in “that mood” again. You know, the one where I can’t stand my clients because they’re a bunch of pests and Einsteins. But this time it’s so bad I don’t even want to return calls or answer email. For instance, during the past few days I’ve had to deal with the following three client requests:

1. Can you make the phone number listed on my website ring my actual telephone if somebody clicks on it? No, idiot.
2. Please add a Facebook icon on my website that links to my Facebook page. And also add “Find us on Facebook” underneath because a lot of people are not familiar with Facebook’s logo. Your stupidity is seriously disturbing and I want you to GO AWAY.
3. I just received a strange letter in the mail telling me I won “Handyman of the Year” and I want you to add this to my website. It’s a very crappy idea to include meaningless or unsubstantiated recognition on your website, especially if you receive it in a letter from your MOTHER.

On a more cheerful note, IT’S FINALLY HERE! FedEx dropped off my family-size canisters of Manischewitz potato pancake mix about 20 minutes ago ... just in time for dinner!

Please send an email as soon as possible if you want to come over for a couple of latkes. (I’ve got sour cream. If you prefer applesauce you’ll have to BYO.)

Here’s some breaking news from the Garden State! Despite very strong and very vocal opposition, New Jersey’s governor Chris “Einstein” Christie (see right) has signed an executive order requiring state buildings to fly their U.S. and New Jersey flags at half-staff on Friday to honor — take a guess! — New Jersey native WHITNEY HOUSTON, who was found dead in a bathtub on February 11 after overdosing on drugs and alcohol.

Christie’s order calls Houston “a gifted singer, remarkable performer, and iconic figure who left an indelible mark upon the popular music landscape in the State of New Jersey and across our nation” and goes on to say the singer “left a legacy in this state that will be cherished for many years.” Seriously? I, for one, think the dude is insane ... and apparently I’m not the only one, because in a poll today on MSNBC.com thousands of people voted down Christie’s half-staff flag crap because Whitney Houston was in truth a drunk and a drug addict who couldn’t be left alone for 10 minutes. And just for the record, in 2010 Houston was booed off the stage three times during concerts in Australia because she apparently couldn’t sing any more, either.

On behalf of the Howdygram’s entire editorial staff — okay, just me — I think it’s outrageous that anybody should honor Whitney Houston with lowered flags, the kind of reverence that should be reserved only for FALLEN HEROES. Governor Einstein’s executive order is an embarrassment. No latkes for YOU.

Thank you for putting up with me.

Local Einstein discovers that people in Dallas can see through glass.

Howdy and good morning from fog-shrouded north Texas. I’m not sure what — if anything — woke me up a few minutes ago, but so it won’t be a total loss I thought I’d spend some time here with y’all. (No need to thank me.)

I keep forgetting to tell you about this. I recently discovered an exceptionally funny website for your possible interest and amusement: Shit My Pets Ruined. Give it a shot. If you’ve ever owned dogs or cats you’ll definitely find yourself laughing out loud, although some of these catastrophes are the best reasons on earth NOT to own a pet or to consider strangling the one you’ve already got.

Here’s a pet peeve in-the-making and I’ll bet a lot of you will agree with me. I just saw a news bulletin on CNN.com that “Whitney Houston’s body is headed home to New Jersey via private jet.” And I’m sure within the next couple of hours we’ll read that somebody rented the Meadlowlands so she can lie in state for public viewing in preparation for canonization.

Apparently I need to invoke the voice of reason yet again to remind everybody that Whitney Houston did NOT discover a cure for cancer, end a war or devote her life to helping the homeless. She was a singer and a drug addict. It’s too bad she died, but after three days of this crazy crap I’m already sick of video testimonials by Jesse “Oh Boy I’m in the News Again” Jackson, celebrity tributes and 75-page “Whitney’s life in photos” galleries on all the major news websites.

And finally ...

Our latest Einstein Award goes to Dallas’ local ABC news station WFAA and hard-hitting reporter Monika Diaz, who revealed “a serious privacy issue” with the new all-glass Omni Hotel because everybody at the adjacent convention center can see into the guest rooms. Breaking news! PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH GLASS! (Exclusive at 10: WATER IS WET.)

Incidentally, when Miss Einstein asked Omni management to suggest solutions they basically said, “You moron. That’s why we’ve got BLINDS on the windows.”

Thank you for reading this. I’m going back to bed now.

A Valentine’s Day wish from Sam, Marcy and “Pork Chop” the Flying Pig.

Once again the Howdygram is first in line to wish y’all a Happy Valentine’s Day even though Sam and I don’t celebrate this holiday because it’s contrived, drippy, manipulative, insincere and altogether meaningless. But personal opinions aside, we hope yours is lovely and you get all the stupid overpriced loot you’ve been hoping for. Seriously.

In case you’re interested, the gigantic family-size canisters of Manischewitz potato pancake mix I was expecting from Amazon.com didn’t show up yesterday as promised and I’m trying really hard to deal with the crushing disappointment. My next best guess for a delivery date is Thursday, judging from a cryptic email update I received from the shipper a couple of hours ago. In the meantime I’m eating cake. Cake is good.

I’ll be back later with another exciting post. Thank you for reading this.

P.S. Whitney Houston is still dead.

Lou Malnati’s sausage pizza is the present of a lifetime.

It’s cold again in north Texas today. The high will only hit 46° but we’re expecting a ton of rain tonight and much warmer temperatures — 70° on Wednesday — for the rest of the week. We’ve dodged a bullet here with winter weather because it’s practically spring.

The Howdygram strongly recommends tuning in to CBS today for round four of the PGA Pro-Am Golf Tournament at Pebble Beach because Tiger Woods — go Tiger! — is charging towards a first place finish. I don’t know why I still get excited about this dude except that he’s amazing to watch when he’s playing well … and lately he’s been playing VERY well. I might make a matzo soufflé for lunch in case you want to drop in and watch golf with us. An advance email would be nice so I can make enough.

Another TV recommendation for Sunday would be tonight’s Grammy Awards, but ONLY because the Beach Boys, Bruce Springsteen, Tony Bennett and Paul McCartney are supposed to perform in a salute to senior citizens who can still walk unassisted and carry a tune. The rest of the program doesn’t interest me whatsoever because I don’t know any of the other musicians, I’ve never listened to their music and I and don’t care if they win, lose or show up drunk. I don’t even care about the last-minute tribute to Whitney Houston (she died yesterday) because the music industry loves to deify its deceased drug addicts FOREVER and I’m positive this is just the first of many pointless and sappy hoo-hahs yet to come. On the other hand, maybe they’ll finally shut up about Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse now.

Glorioski and holy crap, last night I discovered Taste of Chicago … a website that ships food from Chicago’s most iconic restaurants ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES. This includes Lou Malnati’s deep dish pizza, Vienna Chicago-style hotdogs, Portillo’s Italian beef, Manny’s Delicatessen, Carson’s Ribs and Eli’s cheesecake! I’m practically hysterical right now and keep revisiting the website to stare at the pictures (see below).

If anybody ever wants to buy me the present of a lifetime — seriously — it would be Lou Malnati’s sausage pizza because I haven’t had one for at least 30 years. Thank you in advance for your overwhelming generosity. I have my own napkins.