Well-connected and wired to the max.

Seriously, change doesn’t come easy for me. The older I get, the more I worry. For the last few days I was in a state of clammy panic about our AT&T U-Verse installation today. All kinds of scary baloney kept whizzing through my head, like will AT&T have to drill holes in our house, do they know what to do with our Bose home theatre and can I find a private class somewhere on how to use the new remote. Fortunately, the entire installation experience was totally painless and took less than two hours, ending with one-on-one remote control instruction with Josh the Friendly Technician. I even have a hard-copy channel guide that’s the size of Webster’s unabridged dictionary ... 470 CHANNELS. Holy crap.

In case you’re interested, I have some HUGE PLANS for the weekend. They include: 1) driving to The Container Store in Dallas to pick up some desk organizers I ordered online; 2) lunch with Sam at El Nogalito even though I’m not 100% convinced I have a taste for enchiladas with Cheez Whiz; and 3) enough laundry to sink the U.S.S. Enterprise. Number three is mostly due to the enormous pile of new monogrammed towels that arrived yesterday plus a lot of sheets, two weeks’ worth of socks and a ton of underwear. I’m feeling thoroughly overwhelmed due to continuing symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome. (Try folding socks one-handed and you’ll get my drift.)

As if we needed more bad news, I just saw a headline that President Obama has OK’d military action to stop Charlie Sheen’s evil twin, megalomaniac Moammar Gaddafi. This scares me. Gaddafi has already made it pretty clear that he’ll fight to the death to hang onto whatever he’s got in Libya, strangely like Sheen with his “violent torpedo of truth” and “fire-breathing fists.”

God help us.

Time to throw in another load of laundry while I’m on a roll here. Thank you for stopping by. I mean it.

Disasters: a Howdygram perspective.

It’s been quite a week for tragedies as we follow three devastating stories in the news. First we learn that 68-year-old former Mousketeer Annette Funicello lost her collection of Beach Blanket Bingo movie posters in a house fire, Warner Bros. officially dumps Charlie Sheen, and Japan suffers an 8.9 magnitude earthquake, a cataclysmic tsunami and the explosion of a nuclear power plant that’s currently spewing radioactive steam.

After pondering all three stories the one that haunts me most is the news from Japan. Not only is the entire island turning into a toxic stew of debris, contamination and nuclear waste, there’s also a potential worldwide shortage of wasabi and Honda Civic floor mats. THIS COULD GET UGLY.

And last, but not least, I’m currently suffering from an advanced case of sleep deprivation, mostly because the pain in my left hand gets worse at night and I can’t fall asleep. After thrashing around in bed for an hour I go sit at the computer, write a post or two, buy things on Overstock.com and eventually get so tired I can conk out whether my hand still hurts or not. I’m teetering at the conk-out point right now, as a matter of fact. I look like a zombie. Thank you for reading this.

Tidbits and possibilities.

Howdy. I’ve had a very annoying day so far, mostly because my left hand is all cramped-up again and even TYPING is painful now. The problem is, I can’t bend any of my fingers! So in addition to not being able to type I also can’t grip a Marcytini, fold a pair of socks, turn a doorknob or empty the dishwasher. However, I can still operate the remote and order Mongolian Chicken. Life is not a total loss.

Yesterday Aunt Adie emailed the following photo of Sam’s mom posing at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. I think Belle looks very comfortable at the podium and should consider running in 2012. I’d even be willing to help her pick out a fancy hat and edit her inaugural address.

And finally, I thought y’all might enjoy the following video clip ... it’s Jimmy Fallon’s impression of Charlie Sheen being insane. Fallon really nailed it. Somebody remind me to watch his TV show once in a while.


Next time you stop by bring a coffee cake. Thank you.

Getting an early start.

Sam and I did something really weird last night. WE SWITCHED SIDES IN BED. There’s a long, convoluted explanation for this, so grab a cup of coffee and keep reading.

For the last two or three weeks I’ve been writing about carpal tunnel syndrome in my left hand. The pain always seems to get worse late at night so it’s almost impossible to get comfortable in bed. A couple of days ago I discovered I can sleep — and wake up in the morning — without any pain at all if I’m on my left side with my left arm stretched straight out, palm up. I know this sounds crazy, but after way too many sleepless nights I’m pretty damn happy that I found a solution. And the only way to make it happen is to switch sides with Sam so he can’t roll over onto my arm.

There are, however, a couple of negatives: 1) Sam says my side of the bed feels creepy; and 2) I don’t like to sleep facing the alarm clock. On the plus side, I’m nine seconds closer to the bathroom now and at my age that’s a lot like winning the lottery.

Thank you for reading this. I mean it.

A Howdygram celebration.

There’s so much to celebrate that I almost don’t know where to begin. First — and most importantly — Sam is coming home from Houston today. And knowing him, he’ll probably wake up at the crack of dawn and surprise me by showing up hours earlier than I expected. He might even get home in time to take me out for lunch, which would be terrific because I’ve been craving a BLT.

Second, after years of experimentation I finally developed the perfect “MARCYTINI” ... which consists of 12 ounces of Coke Zero, nine ice cubes and a coaster.

Stop laughing. I’ve been working on this for YEARS. It’s not as easy as you think to get the right ratio of soda to ice cubes.

Third, my order of white glossy inkjet labels from Creative Label Concepts finally showed up last night ... four days late. UPS pounded on the front door at 8:15 and scared the living crap out of me.

And last but not least, I’ve discovered that taking a very hot shower two or more times every day will reduce the carpal tunnel pain in my left hand. But there’s good news and bad news. The good news, of course, is that I always smell great and don’t have to take as many pain-killers. The bad news is, my skin is starting to look like a day-old pie crust.

Please take a minute to post a comment below or send me an email and recommend your favorite moisturizer before this turns into a worldwide crisis like overthrowing Egypt. Thank you in advance.

Things I can do without Sam.

Howdy. Sam is still in Houston tonight. I’m freaking bored when he’s not here and — worst of all — there’s nobody around to scratch my back. I sort of wander aimlessly from room to room, taking showers, eating raisins and trying to remember where I left my wrist brace. I guess the only good news is, I’m expecting UPS to deliver a box of inkjet cartridges today and there’s still some leftover chicken chow mein in the refrigerator. I guess I also should mention our improving WEATHER situation. The temperature will hit 50° today, and by the middle of next week we’ll be in the low 70s. This is a huge deal, believe me, because it’s been really cold here. I’m so excited I might even drive around and buy myself a cheeseburger! (Okay, maybe not.)

About the wrist brace comment ... about two weeks ago I developed carpal tunnel syndrome in my left hand. (A year ago it was in my RIGHT hand, which was monumentally worse.) Apparently mine isn’t caused by a repetitive motion injury, though ... it’s a form of neuropathy, or a deterioration of the peripheral nervous system, which is one of the many irritating and seemingly endless side effects of diabetes. I’m dealing with it, but when one hand turns into a throbbing claw it’s almost impossible to do really ordinary things like making the bed, turning a doorknob, folding socks or trying to unscrew a jar. Thank God I can still TYPE. I’d blow my brains out if I couldn’t at least write posts. I mean, I can always teach Sam’s socks to fold themselves, right?

Sam is driving home tomorrow (Saturday) morning. It’s 250 miles from Houston to Mesquite, or about 4½ hours including pit stops, during which he sometimes looks for sushi or tacos. With Valentine’s Day coming up maybe he’ll even buy me a PRESENT. (At the moment I could use a new left hand. Seriously.)

Thank you for reading this.

Lunching in Calabasas.

News flash ... Sam is still in California. His Aunt Adie emailed some photos she took yesterday at lunch in Calabasas with Sam and his mom. (Those club sandwiches really look good.)

I’ve got an appointment with a hand surgeon this afternoon. I’m hoping we’ll be able to make some definite plans to cure my carpal tunnel problem because my right hand has been basically USELESS since the beginning of March. I can’t hold a toothbrush or a pen, can’t sign my name, blow-dry my hair, dice an onion, push a shopping cart or grip a steering wheel. I know I’ve whined about all this before, but after a round of steroid medication and three months in a surgical wrist brace NOTHING HAS IMPROVED. So my internist referred me to a surgeon, and that’s where I’ll be at 2 p.m. this afternoon. I’ll post again as soon as I know what’s what, okay? (Thank you for your concern. Send presents.)

Seems like a good time for an update.

Actually, there’s not that much going on here today. We’ve got hot but pleasant weather, Sam’s at work, and I’m diddling with some graphic design projects, writing email and thinking about a nap ... but only if the spasm in my right hand calms down so I can fall asleep. (Damn carpal tunnel syndrome.) Which reminds me: I RESCHEDULED MY APPOINTMENT WITH THE HAND SURGEON for 2 p.m. on June 2. I decided to give him a second chance after my first try didn’t work out very well (read the post). And on June 3 I’ll see my regular internist for a medication follow-up plus a few lab tests to make sure I’m not anemic any more. Frankly, that’s more than enough medical hoo-hah for one week. I can barely remember what life was like without a continuous stream of doctor appointments.

I think I’ll drown my frustration with a large quantity of Chinese food ... my all-time favorite cuisine ever since I was 12 months old in a high chair gumming egg rolls at the Golden Pheasant Restaurant in Chicago. Here in Texas I always order from King China in Garland. They’ve got a huge menu, the best hot & sour soup in town and deliver so fast it always startles me. (They tell me 45 minutes when I call in my order but show up in less than half an hour. I don’t know how they do it.) What’s YOUR favorite cuisine? Add a comment and let me know!

A senior advantage.

Know what’s nice about getting older? YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE PEOPLE’S CRAP ANY MORE. For example, I had an appointment yesterday with a hand surgeon that never actually got off the ground. Sam and I showed up at 9 in plenty of time for my appointment and then found ourselves stuck in a waiting room populated with way too many patients for a one-man medical office. At 9:30 Sam asked the receptionist how much longer this hoo-hah was supposed to take and she said the doctor was running 20 minutes behind schedule.

Yeah, right. We’d already been there for 30.

At 9:50 a medical assistant finally escorts me into an examining room, asks when did I first experience my carpal tunnel symptoms (even though this information is already on the new patient paperwork I’d brought with me), and then shuts the door and leaves me there for ONE SOLID HOUR reading back issues of People magazine. (It isn’t a total loss. Did you know that Miley Cyrus loves pink lip gloss?)

At 10:50 I open the door to my little dungeon and walk towards the waiting room. Two medical assistants throw themselves in front of me and ask where I’m going, and I reply, “HOME. I got here at 9 o’clock and still haven’t seen the doctor. My husband has to go to work, and I’M DONE WITH THIS.” An office manager named Jill beats herself up with apologies and says: “I’m really sorry. I’m sure you’ll be next. Don’t you want to wait a few more minutes and see the doctor?” To which I reply, “Nope.” (A few years ago I would’ve let these people intimidate me into staying.)

I did tell Jill I’d consider rescheduling my appointment if she could guarantee a time that didn’t involve a two-hour wait. Apparently I can either be the doctor’s first patient of the day at 7:45 a.m. (not on your life, folks) or his first appointment right after lunch at 1:45, which definitely sounds like the better deal. I’ll let you know how this turns out. In the meantime, of course, my hand still hurts.

Here's what I've been up to lately.

Once again I let a whole bunch of days slide by without posting, but this time I wasn’t being a slug. Apparently a lot of my graphic design clients decided the second week of May would be the perfect time to add new pages to their websites, order postcards and brochures and refer me to three friends who want logos and business cards. As a result I’ve had a gazillion projects to do ... plus I’m waiting for two new website clients to review and sign their contracts. None of this is easy to do with carpal tunnel syndrome because it hurts to type and work with a mouse, so I decided against writing an excessive number of blog posts for a while to prevent my right hand from turning into a SPASTIC CLAW. Fortunately, relief is on the horizon ... I’ve got an appointment with a hand surgeon on Tuesday morning. I’m so excited I could slap the mailman!

There’s a lot of weather heading our way tonight. This is in addition to all the weather we had this afternoon, such as three hours of thunderstorms and some moderately heavy rain (which we desperately needed). Right now the next storm system is just west of Forth Worth, heading due east straight for Mesquite. Weather.com says it should start booming here around 1 a.m. Sam and I love nighttime thunderstorms. If it’s not too late we open the garage door and sit on card chairs to watch the lightning; otherwise we hold hands in bed and enjoy the hoo-hah through the bay windows.

Here’s hoping y’all have a swell weekend. Smooch.

Crap happens when you least expect it.

First, a quick medical report. MY RIGHT HAND IS KILLING ME. To be honest with you, I always believed carpal tunnel syndrome was a bogus health issue invented by people who manufactured ergonomic mouse pads and wrist braces. Never in a million years did I ever think this was a genuine physical condition that involved real pain. Boy, was I ever WRONG. I’ve been through a lot of crap in my life, like major surgeries, uterine cancer, endometriosis, plantar fasciitis, arthritis and four decades of increasingly serious dental emergencies, and the pain of carpal tunnel syndrome ranks right up there with the worst of it. I CAN’T USE MY RIGHT HAND, which means I also can’t grip the steering wheel in my car, push a shopping cart, lift a fork or spoon, blow-dry or brush my hair, type, move my mouse, hold a pen or hook my bra. I wear a wrist brace 24/7 except when I’m in the shower and try to do some dinky flexibility exercises two or three times a day. The exercises don’t seem to be working. NOTHING seems to be working. I see the doctor again on April 13, so stay tuned.

In other news, my Epson inkjet printer is broken. On Thursday I started getting an error message saying the paper tray is inserted incorrectly, but I know that’s crap because there’s only one way to insert the stupid tray and it doesn’t exactly take a brain surgeon to figure it out. So nothing is printing. This is really a shame for two key reasons: 1) the printer is less than a year old; and 2) it’s still under warranty but WE CAN’T FIND THE RECEIPT FROM FRY’S. Sam and I tore the place apart this morning with no luck. And I’d be willing to bet that repairs would cost more than a new printer. I’m calling Epson’s customer support center on Monday to find out if they have my warranty on file. PLEASE CROSS YOUR TOES AND FINGERS.

Tiger Woods returns to the PGA Tour next week. Let’s hear a gigantic YAY ... all together now! Tiger is playing in the Masters Tournament at Augusta National and the first round starts on April 8. Golf hasn’t been the same without him, and I will be glued to my TV. Anybody who’s interested in watching with me should send an email to reserve a spot on the sofa. Refreshments will be served, but I don’t have any cookies in the house so if you want some please BYO. Thank you.

Me and my big mouth, part 2.

I promised you an update, so here it is. The good news is, I took one Vicodin right after publishing my post this afternoon and did NOT end up feeling dizzy, whacked-out or nauseated. Basically I just stared into space and eventually dozed off writing an email, and when I finally snapped back to reality I’d been typing nothing but f’s for quite a long time. The bad news is, my right hand is still a total mess. My thumb and two fingers are completely NUMB, there’s a sharp pain across the palm of my hand that feels like a sprain, I can’t grip anything, and whenever I lie down my hand, wrist and forearm feel like they’re ON FIRE. So although Vicodin may be mildly entertaining as a recreational drug, it’s not doing squat to help my carpal tunnel problem. And I already know I won’t be able to sleep in bed again tonight. I’m not happy about this. Thank you for putting up with me.

Me and my big mouth.

Within the last 48 hours I announced to everybody on earth that I was finally pain-free. My heels stopped hurting, my knees didn’t ache, my carpal tunnel symptoms had subsided and I was feeling terrific at last. And then wham ... without any warning, last night I spent ALL NIGHT trying to sleep but couldn’t get comfortable. It was the carpal tunnel problem again in my right hand and arm ... numbness, burning and radiating pain especially when I laid down. Plus just before we went to bed Sam and I watched that grisly Mafia flick “Donnie Brasco” and I kept having visions of these guys chopping each other up with saws and butcher knives. So the bottom line is, I’ve had zero sleep and can’t even take a nap. To show you how bad it is, I’m almost on the verge of taking VICODIN. My doctor prescribed it for pain three weeks ago but I never opened the bottle because the last time I took this stuff was 18 years ago for an abcessed tooth and it made me so dizzy, whacked-out and nauseated I wanted to strangle my dentist. Today I feel crappy enough not to care. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. Stay tuned for an update.

Daylight savings time and insomnia.

I can’t sleep. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate, because I haven’t TRIED to sleep. For the last few hours I’ve been in one of my entrepreneurial/creative modes, getting all involved with website updates, posting to my Ovation Creative blog and writing a new email campaign. Then all of a sudden I look at the little clock in the upper right-hand corner of my computer monitor and it’s almost 4 a.m. HOLY CRAP. The whole night is shot already, and tonight’s time change hoo-hah makes it even WORSE. It’s not supposed to be this late.

Before I forget, here’s an urgent update for your possible interest: my right hand is on the mend! This is extremely encouraging, because I seriously NEVER expected to feel so much better after only 48 hours! My carpal tunnel treatment includes some goofy little wrist exercises, Chinese food (my own idea), a six-day steroid regimen and a firm wrist support brace with a steel beam and tons of impressive velcro straps. All of this is fine, although quite honestly the steroid thing is freaking me out a little because I’m diabetic and steroids can really screw around with your blood sugar. So I have to keep close watch on my glucose levels for the next few days and stop the pills if I hit a certain number. And course I also check the mirror every couple of hours to see if I’m turning into Barry Bonds. So far so good, although yesterday afternoon I developed an uncontrollable urge to yell at people and play left field.