Wednesday’s highlights include commotion, fake meat in a can and Nazi tea kettles.

There’s been a lot of commotion at Howdygram headquarters today, and I don’t like commotion. Frankly, I think I’m ALLERGIC to it. At the moment I feel agitated, crabby, annoyed and desperately in need of an afternoon nap, which won’t happen any time soon for the following reasons:

• Our handyman is still out back installing those solar screens which, after two full days, is obviously becoming his life’s work.
• The Schwan’s delivery doofus showed up to present us with another load of assorted frozen crapola, including the biggest frozen summer sausage I’ve ever seen. I have no doubt it could kill a person.
• Our landscapers were here to mow, whack, edge and trim all the green things that surround our home.
• The mailman pounded on the front door to drop off two packages from Amazon.
• The phone hasn’t stopped ringing. So far I’ve heard from Sam’s ophthalmologist and my podiatrist, do I want to donate old clothes to the National Kidney Foundation, can I spare 10 minutes to take a poll about my views on immigration, and glorioski ... we’ve just won a FREE ESTIMATE from Metroplex Insulated Windows!
• I’m running the dishwasher.

To cheer myself up I’ve decided to share the following videos. The first one is a comedy sketch about how to respond to a moron who doesn’t think he’s racist and the second one is just really cute, period.

Show of hands. Has anybody seen the story in the news today about J.C. Penney’s latest headache? Evidently they’re advertising a tea kettle that looks like Adolf Hitler with a stiff-arm salute. A freeway billboard in Los Angeles is creating a huge hoo-hah and Penney’s is getting lots of crap for it, starting with a snide tweet this morning from (of all people) Mia Farrow about why would anybody sell a Nazi kitchen appliance. Seriously, don’t these Einsteins have anything better to do?

It looks like we’ve got some major storms on the way. Our local forecast on Weather.com just changed to RED TYPE — twisters! Auntie Em! — with an 85% chance of severe thunderstorms and heavy rainfall starting by 7 p.m. (Oh swell. More commotion.) In the meantime I think I’ll fix myself an early dinner and watch a few “Hardcore Pawn” reruns. Tonight’s menu options are: 1) pickles & biscuits; 2) gefilte fish with no horseradish because I ran out; 3) egg salad; 4) a BLT minus the “L”; and 5) Loma Linda fake meat in a can poured over low-carb white bread with Chia Seed Pudding for dessert.

If you’d like to cast your vote for one of my five dinner options please send an email immediately because I’m awfully damn hungry right now. Thank you.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

Sam got home from work this morning at 5 a.m. I always have trouble sleeping well when he’s gone all night like that and keep opening my eyes to look at the clock on the nightstand. And what’s worse, Sam left here yesterday at 1:15 in the afternoon … that’s a 14½-hour work day! I’d like to beat the crap out of somebody but I can’t figure out who.

And so here we sit, Sam and me, both of us barely conscious from insufficient sleep, thinking whether we should eat lunch (it’s 11:30) or try taking a nap. I vote for the nap, to tell you the truth. Naps are GOOD. I’ll finish posting afterwards. Please stand by.

Believe it or not, there was a five-hour lapse after composing the second paragraph of this post. I just woke up. Shortly after noon I slipped into an immediate post-food coma on the chaise in the family room and don’t even remember Sam leaving for work. It’s presently 4:35 p.m. That’s one hell of a nap even for ME ... and I’m a charter member of the Olympic napping squad!

To clear the cobwebs from my head I just placed a lovely order with Netrition.com, which includes all of the following:

• Jok-n-Al fruit spreads (plum, blueberry and pineapple)
• An exceptionally large quantity of CarbQuik (i.e., two three-pound boxes)
• Sea Tangle Kelp Noodles
• Beanit Butter
• Walden Farms coleslaw dressing
• Walden Farms Asian dressing
• Walden Farms strawberry syrup
• Soy Slender chocolate soy milk
• SweetLeaf Liquid Stevia in two flavors (chocolate raspberry and apricot nectar)

In case you’re wondering, I order practically all of my grocery products — with certain exceptions, obviously, such as frozen crap, fresh vegetables, Loma Linda fake meat in a can and cream cheese — online from Netrition because I don’t have the stamina, balance or motivation to shlep through supermarkets any more and therefore have no idea if any of these products are available locally. I also don’t like to annoy Sam with complex grocery lists or trips to multiple markets. First-time products in this Netrition order include the zero-carb kelp noodles, Walden Farms no-calorie strawberry syrup (reviewers say it’s swell in a smoothie) and Walden Farms no-calorie Asian dressing. The latter will douse the aforementioned zero-carb kelp noodles and be consumed cold like a salad with a few nice shrimp and a fork. Oh boy! And I mean this most sincerely.

For the last half-hour I’ve been receiving emails from my cousin Bobby with photos of his oldest son’s wedding in California earlier this month. Here, for your possible interest, is a group shot of my favorite cousins posing together at Gideon and Kimi’s big event and looking mighty damn wonderful. I haven’t seen them in an awfully long time. And yes, obviously, we’re all senior citizens now. Oy.

And here are the bride and groom. After seeing these pictures I’m really sorry that Sam and I couldn’t make it to their wedding. Frankly it’s tough to accept that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

There’s still time to tune in for tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV, which the Howdygram heartily recommends for your viewing pleasure. This is one of our favorite reality shows because there’s nothing quite as entertaining as ghetto maniacs being dragged out of a pawn shop by 350-pound bouncers. Thank you for reading this.

Since when don’t Cheeseheads understand English?

Every now and then I wind up with an Einstein client who makes me realize how desperately I want to stop designing websites and do absolutely nothing except watch “People’s Court,” write Howdygram posts, label spice jars and fold socks. My current Einstein suffers from an inability to understand compound sentences and pay attention. Two weeks ago she told me she intends to shut down her website (no problem) and transfer her domain name to a new registrar (easy). I sent her the following email in response: “Anything you’ve got stored online in webmail will disappear, so before we put your domain transfer in motion you’d better set up Microsoft Outlook or make plans to offload copies of all your email.” Ten minutes later she responds that all of her email is already in Outlook and she’s in great shape. So ... one week later, on the date that Einstein specifies, I unpublish her website and transfer her domain to GoDaddy. I figure I’ll never hear from her again, and I’m absolutely fine with that.

Ahh, but the plot thickens! This morning — eight full days after we transferred her domain — Miss Cheesehead (she’s in Wisconsin) sends me the following frantic ALL-CAPS email: WHY CAN’T I ACCESS THE EMAIL ARCHIVES AND FOLDERS I LEFT IN WEBMAIL?!

I write back to Cheesehead and tell her that she’s probably out of luck with this, at which time she proceeds to have a cow — no pun intended — and shrieks: YOU’D BETTER DO SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE I CAN’T LOSE TWO YEARS OF EMAIL! Followed by four exclamation points! I hate multiple exclamation points! Since there’s nothing whatsoever I can do about her missing email archives personally, I try to reach my hosting company’s tech support department but eventually get sick of holding for the dumbbells in Mumbai and hang up. I figure, holy crap, I’m not getting paid for this any more, let Cheesehead waste her own time negotiating with India! So I email the number and tell her to give it a shot. That was two hours ago; she’s probably still on hold.

Please, can I retire now? Can I have your permission to dump the rest of my moron clients from outer space and get on with my life? (Respond here.)

Since food has always been the answer to my problems (and the reason for most of them, too, ironically) I think dinner sounds like a damn good idea right now. And I’ve got a bevy of mouth-watering options from which to choose: 1) Loma Linda fake meat in a can; 2) leftover egg foo young from China City; 3) a large slab of low-carb cheesecake; 4) Five-Minute Stupid Soup; and 5) a Schwan’s frozen vegetable omelet. I’m currently leaning towards numbers 2 and 3, but not necessarily in that order because senior citizens are allowed to eat dessert first. Thank you for reading this.

Another Frankenpizza from Asia.

It’s a cold, foggy Friday morning here at Howdygram headquarters. I keep playing with the idea of going back to bed for a while, but there’s not much point since I didn’t sleep very well last night and don’t especially want to start thrashing around again. So I’ll write a post instead. (Lucky you.)

Less than a week after writing about Pizza Hut Singapore’s picturesque “Double Sensation Pizza” (see post) I’m pleased to present the “Cheesy Opera Pizza” from Hong Kong, Pizza Hut’s frightening double-decker Frankenpizza that includes all of the following: “A twisted cheese crust base fully loaded with chicken, ham, beef, pork, tomato, oregano and red onion, topped with a smaller, thin-crust pizza with scallops, clam meat, peaches, mushrooms, red peppers and Japanese cucumber on pesto sauce with a drizzle of honey mustard.”

I’m sorry, people, but clams, peaches, pesto sauce and mustard are NOT a valid flavor profile, and it sounds more like a couple of stoners in Hong Kong decided to empty the refrigerator. Personally, I’ll stick with something a little more sophisticated: Loma Linda fake meat in a can.

Since I’m obviously writing a food-intensive Howdygram post I might as well throw in the following video clip. This is competitive eater Jamie “The Bear” McDonald plowing his way through the entire new Hobbit menu at Denny’s ... seven entrees, three desserts and a smoothie. Holy crap.

From our Only in Texas department comes the latest story about Big Tex, the Texas State Fair’s gigantic mascot statue that burned to a crisp back in October (see post). Apparently the State Fair’s P.R. Einsteins issued a Christmas letter from Big Tex to the general public, essentially ignoring the fact that he was fried beyond recognition down to his steel frame and suggesting instead that Tex is recovering at an upscale Texas spa (with Elvis!) and wants people to donate money to help defray the cost. Yes, there’s even a website.

It may (or may not, obviously) interest you to know that Big Tex got his start as a gigantic creepy Santa in Kerens, Texas, back in 1950. The State Fair bought him two years later and dressed him like a cowboy. That face is enough to scare the crap out of anybody.

And now I think I’ll shlep into the family room and wrap myself in an afghan. I’m FREEZING. Thank you for reading this.

This is so much fun I might need a couple of egg rolls for dinner. Or maybe not.

So here I sit. It’s a windy Wednesday night and the temperature outside is dropping from a high of 80° this afternoon into the mid-30s by tomorrow morning, ushering in 10 days of typical December weather that averages around 58°. Unfortunately there’s no rain in the forecast whatsoever, not counting a 20% chance on Christmas Day that will never materialize because Weather.com couldn’t get it right if their lives depended on it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: THEY’RE LYING SACKS OF POO.

Breaking news: I’m no longer sick of fonts! While this probably comes as no surprise to many of you, it’s my pleasure to report that yesterday’s frustrating font disaster (see post) has morphed into a triumph, thanks to the discovery of a website called FontScore.com, where a greedy individual can download FREE OpenType versions of the best fonts on the planet ... entire families with all the weights, italics, small caps and fractions! THIS IS FANTASTIC. Now that I’ve dumped all the corrupt crap from my font library I’m ready to start over and load up on anything I can get my hands on, especially fresh new copies of all the fonts that disappeared without warning. I’m having so much fun I might need a couple of egg rolls for dinner! Below for your possible interest is a partial list of the fonts that I acquired this afternoon.

Since it’s already after 8 p.m. I think I should inject some insulin and chow down. I’ve decided against the egg rolls mentioned in the previous paragraph because it takes too long for China City to deliver. Instead I’m considering one or more of the following: 1) Loma Linda fake meat in a can; 2) Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls with a teeny bowl of queso dip; 3) a ChocoPerfection low-carb chocolate bar; 4) Five-Minute Stupid Soup (see recipe); or 5) American cheese, Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles and a peach phosphate.

Hungry yet? Anybody who wants to join me for dinner should send an email right away and I’ll set an extra place at the table. Don’t forget to let me know which of these menu options appeals to you. Thank you.

Happy belated birthday, Joe Biden!

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and I’ve got nothing to do. We weren’t invited anywhere for dinner tomorrow and don’t expect company here at Howdygram headquarters, so once again this year Sam and I will pick up the nice little boneless turkey breast we reserved at Boston Market and heat it in the oven when we finish our afternoon naps. I’ll make the essential homemade “sides” all by myself, which will consist of: 1) a box of Stovetop turkey stuffing; 2) a jar of generic turkey gravy with a few freeze-dried mushrooms mixed in; 3) a can of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce; 4) freeze-dried green beans with fake butter; and 5) half a leftover pumpkin pie.

Incidentally, items 3 and 5 are for Sam and item 4 is for me. I also plan to enjoy items 1 and 2 following a substantial injection of mealtime insulin. If that’s too much information for you, please make an effort to get over it.

My creative project du jour involves a new feature for the Howdygram so you can buy all the outstanding crapola that I write about. Think of it as a comprehensive shopping page with photos, intelligently-composed product descriptions and direct links to the relevant websites. I’ve been working on the format since 4:45 this morning, taking breaks only when absolutely necessary. I’m positive you’ll thank me for this eventually.

Before I forget, the Howdygram would like to extend a belated happy birthday wish to Vice President Joe Biden, who turned 70 on November 20. I’ve been a Joe Biden fan for nearly 40 years (oy) and thought you might enjoy the following photos. I don’t know how he does it, but Joe looks better today than he did in 1972! Holy crap, people!

And now it’s time to concentrate on dinner. Just for one, as usual, because Sam doesn’t get home from work until 11 p.m. At the moment I’m considering a can of Loma Linda Swiss Stake because it’s fast (i.e., ready-to-eat), there’s a ton of gravy and it’s my all-time favorite fake meat. You eventually get used to the fact that it looks like Alpo.

Thank you for reading this!

Big Tex is toast. Seriously.

Holy crap and glorioski! Tell your friends! I WON A $50 SCHWAN’S GIFT CARD TODAY! A few months ago Schwan’s figured out I had too much time on my hands and invited me to join their Customer Connection focus group and share my opinions on a wide variety of mostly meaningless topics, such as do I think more noodles would improve their Beef Goulash — for the record, I suggested more beef — and please rate our Pot Roast on a scale from 1 to 10. Every month the company rewards a couple of focus group volunteers with $50 gift cards, and today it was my turn. This is so exciting I can’t stand it. FREE FOOD!

I’ve got sad and breaking news from Texas tonight. BIG TEX IS TOAST. Seriously. The beloved mascot of the Texas State Fair burned to a crisp this morning due to crappy electrical wiring in his boot. Big Tex, who was certifiably strange and goony, stood at the entrance to the fairgrounds in south Dallas and frightened fairgoers for 60 years. I can only imagine how the sight of a five-story dummy in flames will add to that legacy.

I’m noshing on a fun and exciting snack as I write this post! I refer to Lowrey’s Pork Rinds, which come in little bags like microwave popcorn and all you do is nuke them for 90 seconds until they puff up like big pillows. These things are AMAZING as a salty/crunchy snack food for low-carb dieters like me. One bag gives you 10 grams of protein with only 1 carb and 2 grams of unsaturated fat. In the salty-crunchy universe, that’s pretty damn wonderful. Although nothing will EVER take the place of Cheetos.

Incidentally, you can order Lowrey’s Pork Rinds from Amazon ... a carton of 18 bags is $18.99 with your choice of hot & spicy or regular. (I bought the hot & spicy. They’re pretty tame.)

I’m having fake meat in a can for dinner tonight if you’d like to join me. The complete menu will include a large quantity of Saucettes browned in a frying pan, a nice little pile of leftover vegetables and pork rinds for dessert because I forgot to make pudding. Please RSVP here.

Thank y’all for reading this.

Being Santa is obviously a smart career move for geezers who refuse to shave.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday because I wasn’t in the mood. I know you’ll get over it. We all have to deal with disappointment, right?

Sam and I had a very pleasant Sunday that included a nice excursion — road construction be damned! — to downtown Fort Worth, lunch at El Asadero and a drive-by visit to Cowboys Stadium and the Texas Rangers ballpark, which are conveniently located across the street from each other in Arlington. For your possible interest, this was my first time shooting mealtime insulin away from home! The parking lot next to El Asadero offered the perfect combination of awkwardness, lack of privacy and what the hell am I supposed to do with a used insulin syringe.

The faculty at Howdygram University is pleased to post the following informational video in case you’ve ever had difficulty drinking a can of soda. Please practice this at home; there’s a pop quiz on Thursday (no pun intended). Thank you.

Here’s an enlightening bit of scary baloney courtesy of Foodbeast.com that illustrates four popular fast-food products as they appear in advertisements versus the miserable crap you unwrap in your car. While all of these examples are mighty grim, the most embarrassing of the lot has to be those pathetic Jack in the Box tacos that look like they’ve been pulled out of a body cavity. (Please don’t ask me to elaborate.)

Speaking of advertising, the following two images from our local newspaper provide ample evidence that it’s fun to live in a small tacky town like Mesquite. I particularly love the ad for Santa, which is obviously a smart career move for geezers who refuse to shave. My only question is, what does this Santa dude actually do? If you decide to call and inquire please send me an email afterwards, okay?

My plans for the balance of the evening include: 1) placing an order with Amazon.com for the fabulous crap pictured below; 2) taking a nice hot shower; 3) eating low-carb chocolate chocolate chip pound cake; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Incidentally, the aforementioned chocolate chocolate chip pound cake is actually a Dixie Diner muffin mix from Netrition.com. I add DaVinci sugar-free chocolate syrup instead of water, make mine in an 8" x 4" loaf pan instead of muffin tins and increase the baking time to 30 minutes. It’s so outrageously good that I usually make an effort to eat the whole thing in one night. (I never joke about food.)

Try not to gag about the Baken-ets. They’re crunchy and salty with ZERO CARBS, making them an ideal choice for diabetic senior citizens with unusual snacking needs. Worthington Saucettes are vegetarian mock breakfast sausages and another delightful example of fake meat in a can, of which I’m so damn fond. You can learn more about Saucettes here and purchase some for yourself. (Yes, they’re expensive. Think of them as a luxury item, like a pair of Jimmy Choos in a can with gravy.)

Chicken of the Sea pink salmon should be self-explanatory.

Thank you for reading this.

I have to stop eating fake meat in a can for lunch.

Although I’m sure the next statement will be construed as too much information, I’m currently in the midst of a serious “digestive incident” involving repeat doses of Imodium and frequent dashes down the hall at startling speed for a senior citizen with a cane. Sam, who’s already asleep, has no idea what’s going on, and there’s certainly no need to disturb him since there’s not much he can do about my intestines at 2:45 in the morning. (I guess there’s not much I can do about them, either.)

Do you ever remember your dreams? I’m experiencing a new phenomenon this week ... vivid dreams that I recall in intricate detail. This afternoon I conked out on the chaise in our family room and proceeded to have a steamy affair with Mitt Romney. He apparently showed up as a paramedic to bandage my injured foot and then followed me around like a lovesick puppy at a GOP cocktail party. When we ran into Ronald Reagan I told him Mitt and I were in love and he wanted me to change my vote. At that point I woke up long enough to mutter “HOLY CRAP” and then dreamed I was at a huge, busy urban intersection trying to find the right bus to get home. It was freezing cold outside and I didn’t have a coat, and all kinds of people were directing me from corner to corner until I finally walked into a birthday card shop to look at bus schedules pinned to a wall, but none of them made any sense. I recall being very freaked out but have no recollection if I ever figured out how to get home.

Bottom line: I definitely have to stop eating fake meat in a can for lunch.

Thank you for reading this.

Creepy dreams, hot feet and another Einstein making headlines.

It’s almost 7:30 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4:15. I’m not sure why, but it might have something to do with a creepy dream (okay, a nightmare) and hot feet. Lucky for you, horsing around with the Howdygram is my favorite way to kill time. I’ve definitely got plenty of it.

Before I plunge into hot news from the world of fine art, does anybody besides me remember the movie Bean (1997) with Rowan Atkinson? He plays a halfwit employee of a London gallery who travels to the U.S. to deliver a valuable painting to a prestigious Los Angeles art museum. He tries to clean it — with TURPENTINE — before the unveiling ceremony and ends up redrawing “Whistler’s Mother,” as shown below.

And now for the aforementioned hot news. Because truth can be stranger than fiction — or at least just as stupid — this week an old woman at a church in northeastern Spain decided to take a stab at art restoration. Without anybody’s permission Grandma Einstein “touched up” a 19th-century Spanish fresco by Elias Garcia Martinez and replaced it with the following hairy monstrosity. HOLY CRAP. (Literally.)

I forgot to mention that Sam and I watched an exceptionally adorable movie a couple of days ago ... Puss in Boots (2011) with Antonio Banderas voicing the title role and Salma Hayek as Kitty Softpaws, a sexy declawed cat who runs around in a Batgirl outfit. There’s also a Humpty Dumpty character with a dark and snarky personality, shown below disguised as a golden egg.

This movie was so damn much fun I wouldn’t mind seeing it again, and RIGHT NOW might be a good idea since going back to bed doesn’t appear to be an option any time soon. I might even whip up a tall Marcytini to keep me company but I’ll have to drink quietly so I won’t disturb Sam.

From our This Is Why I Can’t Sleep department, it seems that McDonald’s and In-N-Out have canceled their contracts with a California raw beef supplier after the FDA shut its plant for severe and frightening health and processing violations. NOW YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE FAKE MEAT! (Nobody ever recalls a can of textured vegetable protein.)

Pictured above are some of my favorites: Loma Linda Swiss Stake and Fried Chik’n (available from Amazon.com), Thrive TVP from Shelf Reliance that tastes like Taco Bell meat and cheap cans of faux duck gluten from Asian Food Grocer.

Thank you for reading this.

Sam is so damn cute I could eat him up.

There’s a humongous storm system moving in as I write this post. Defying both logic and mother nature, this one’s actually traveling from northeast to southwest — right to left — and Sam is outside witnessing the big hoo-hah first-hand. He was actually sitting on the curb until it started raining; now I think he’s just standing in the garage. (Sam is so damn cute I could eat him up.) Incidentally, the red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. If you zoom in, I’m the happy senior citizen in a pink robe with a glass of lemonade. If you got here a few minutes earlier I also had a little bag of Cheetos. Better luck next time.

In addition to the aforementioned wrong-way thunderstorms, this has been a mighty weird day for me in other respects, too. I woke up at 8:45, made a big juicy omelette around 10 that I shared with Sam, and then at 11:15 I started feeling weak, crawled back into bed and slept until 2:45. I don’t know what the hell hit me. At the moment I’m feeling just fine but hungry with a serious craving for one of the following: 1) a Five Guys hamburger with relish and onions; 2) pad thai; or 3) sugar-free lemon meringue pie from the Choctaw Casino buffet. Since it’s not likely that I’ll score any of these within the next two or three hours I might just open a can of Loma Linda fake meat and move on with my life.

On the odd chance that you’ve never read any of my earlier Howdygram posts, Loma Linda makes very tasty vegetarian and vegan food products that pretend to be real meat, such as faux Swiss Stakes, Fried Chik’n, Choplets (pork), Linketts (teeny hotdogs), Saucetts (sausages) and Skallops, which I’m told taste nothing whatsoever like their namesake but pass for chicken nuggets if you’re stoned. You can purchase the entire line of Loma Linda products from Amazon. Tell them Marcy sent you, okay?

I think I’ll watch a movie now. Thank you for reading this.

It’s my first-ever all-food Howdygram post!

For all you sugar junkies, on Friday, June 1, Krispy Kreme stores from coast to coast will celebrate National Donut Day by giving away ONE FREE DONUT OF YOUR CHOICE, no purchase necessary! I’m unable to join the celebration due to being diabetic but I’ll definitely tag along if Sam decides to participate. Our closest Krispy Kreme is on Greenville Avenue in Dallas. This may not be worth the trip.

From our Pass the Pepto Bismol department, renowned competitive-eater Kobayashi kicked ass in Chicago last weekend by participating in a stomach-turning Al’s Italian Beef-eating contest against five local Chicago Tribune food bloggers. The challenge? He had to eat five Italian beef sandwiches before the bloggers could eat theirs, and it was no match. Kobayashi rammed all five sandwiches down his throat in 90 seconds and then ate one more just for fun. Check it out below. For the record, I don’t know how he does this. I get the hiccups after two bites of gefilte fish.



In case you’re a fan like me, “Top Chef Masters” season four premiers July 25 on Bravo. I saw the roster of contestants a little while ago in an article on Eater.com. Although I have no idea whatsoever who any of these people are, most typically own upscale restaurants in Manhattan that specialize in teeny overpriced slabs of half-cooked “sustainable” fish with a decorative smear of snooty sauce. I’ll take Loma Linda’s fake meat in a can any day of the week.

And finally, I was experimenting in the Howdygram’s test kitchen the other day and managed to duplicate the exact flavor of original Hawaiian Punch. You know, in those big cans from the 1960s.

I used four squirts of DaVinci sugar-free cherry syrup in 12 ounces of Crystal Light lemonade and it was so wonderful I almost hyperventilated. To me, this discovery might be on par with the invention of cruise control or novocaine.

Thank you for reading this!

Free Slurpees, an exciting new gadget and gefilte fish investments.

Let’s start with the biggest news story first, okay? Until 7 p.m. today you can get FREE SLURPEES AT 7-ELEVEN! And this even includes their new SUGAR-FREE Slurpees! Giveaways are genuinely wonderful and you shouldn’t miss this opportunity to save money while ingesting a large pile of dyed, artificially-flavored and chemically-altered slush.

I also want to include another edition of the Howdygram’s popular Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring a trio of iconic female celebrities: Dolly Parton, Lauren Hutton and Marlo Thomas. Just between us, Lauren Hutton scares the hell out of me.

Here’s something cool. Sam and I visited the Apple Store online yesterday and ordered ourselves an iPad that will be here TOMORROW. This is our first real wireless device — we don’t even own smartphones — not counting my cordless mouse and it’s partially an investment for the road trip we’re planning next month so we won’t go insane without the Internet and email. Holy crap, is this exciting or what? I can’t wait to start shopping for apps. This might be more fun than hunting for gefilte fish discounts on Amazon.

Please note. The aforementioned Amazon gefilte fish discounts apparently have dried up since Passover ended and there are no current deals available anywhere unless you decide to shop at the KC Kosher Co-op, where you can get 24 oz. jars of Manischewitz for $6.86 each when you buy a case of 12, shipping included. However I don’t know if I’m ready to invest $82.30 in gefilte fish at the present time, particularly since our pantry is already stuffed with 36 cans of assorted Loma Linda fake meat and the world’s largest bag of tortilla chips from Costco.

Thank you for reading this.

Introducing Chicago’s preferred prostitution payment plan, with or without fries.

Get ready to rumble, Howdygramsters, because I’ve got a pile of fabulous crap for you! For starters, you may recall an earlier post in which I charged that Charo lies about her age. She may want the world to think she’s 61 years old, but the Howdygram can promise you she’s NOT. I hunted around online for the real scoop — which was a no-brainer — and found that: 1) official documents in Spain and the U.S. indicate Charo was born in 1941, not 1951; 2) press reports gave her age as 20 in the early 1960s when she became engaged to Xavier Cugat; and 3) she was 36 when she divorced him in 1977. If you do the math, she was clearly born in 1941 but petitioned the courts to shave off 10 years when she applied for citizenship in the 1970s. Also see her biography on Wikipedia. (Just between us, I don’t really know why I’m so damn happy about this.)

Breaking news from the city of Forth Worth, where the MedStar ambulance service has introduced a new program that will send you a taxi cab if the Einstein 911 operator decides your call doesn’t require a paramedic. Holy crap. Fort Worth’s unsuspecting cab drivers are definitely in for a surprise when they start picking up fares in labor or various stages of cardiac arrest. I’m just saying.

Please bear with me while I show off a few new fonts, okay? Fonts have been my #1 addiction since I bought my first Mac in 1986 and I even love them more than Loma Linda fake meat in a can and old movies.

I recently discovered Lost Type, a terrific website that gives away very high quality fonts. Actually, they ask for a donation but you can download fonts for free if you type “$0” in the little box. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve never donated a dime. (Okay, I’m not really embarrassed.)

From our Do You Want Fries With That department, here’s a hot story from the Windy City. Police in Chicago have arrested a pimp named DaJuan Brown, currently being held in lieu of $1 million bond, who pays his prostitutes — all very young girls — with drugs, cell phones and food from the dollar menu at McDonald’s. He would also beat the girls regularly and withhold hamburgers as punishment. The advertising departments at Burger King and Arby’s are probably working overtime trying to figure out an advantage ... but don’t hold your breath.

I was flipping channels yesterday and ran across a painfully horrible movie on TCM. I refer to Spy Chasers, a disastrous 1955 whodunit starring Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall — both 40+ years old — still pretending to be the “Dead End Kids” from the 1930s. Worse yet, they’re hunting German spies 10 years after the end of World War II. This was so thoroughly lousy I had to turn off the TV. And I almost NEVER turn off the TV.

And finally, a movie recommendation! Sam and I both enjoyed Ace of Aces (1932) with Richard Dix, Elizabeth Allan and Ralph Bellamy. This is a well-done story about the morality of war despite the fact that Dix is a former silent film star who’s frequently a little too “hammy” with the facial expressions. (You know, a male version of Norma Shearer.)

So here’s the basic plot. It’s 1918 and Dix is a pacifist sculptor who gets pushed into enlisting by his girlfriend (Elizabeth Allan) who thinks he’s a coward. Now stationed in France, the air force turns Dix into a bloodthirsty flying ace with no conscience or remorse until — SPOILER ALERT — he’s eventually responsible for the death of an enemy cadet he actually knew. Ralph Bellamy plays Dix’s cranky superior officer and there are lots of dogfight scenes with miniature airplanes, sweaty pilots, stupid helmets and fake bullets. My only complaint would be Elizabeth Allan’s 1930s hair and wardrobe, which made her look like she got dropped off in the middle of World War I by a time machine. If you can get beyond that, Ace of Aces is a winner.

Thank you for reading this.

Real Texans don’t want to smell like longhorns.

It’s Thursday in Texas. The weather is BEYOND PERFECT (sunny, clear, 82°), Sam is out buying mulch and fertilizer for the tree in our back yard, and I’m in the middle of a laundry marathon that began about an hour ago with polo shirts, jeans, shorts and dark tees. In the event you seriously give a crap about this, the next three loads will include whites, sheets and bath towels. The folding party starts at 3:45 if you’d like to drop in. I’ll be serving Loma Linda fake hotdogs with Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles and hot mustard. Come hungry!

My blood sugar numbers are lower today in case you’d like to know. Dr. M told me to continue my current protocol with Lantus (once-a-day insulin) for the time being and send her another email in two weeks. Yay, I guess.

And now for something completely different! To celebrate the fact that real Texans do NOT want to smell like longhorns I just ordered myself a couple of essentials (pictured below) that might interest you. I bought Maja (my favorite fragrance) on sale VERY VERY CHEAP from Overstock Perfume and a three-pack of Suave’s Everlasting Sunshine Body Wash — glorioski! a brand new scent! — from Amazon.

Sam and I watched a terrific movie last night ... Foreign Correspondent (1940) with Joel McCrea, Laraine Day, George Sanders and Herbert Marshall. This one’s an impeccable, four-star Hitchcock thriller set in Europe just before World War II and it’s one of my all-time favorites. You can watch the entire film for free on the Internet Movie Database. Popcorn is not included.

As soon as Sam gets back from his doctor’s appointment (probably around 1:15) we’ll be taking a drive to Terrell to eat hamburgers at Cole Mountain. This will be our first visit. Cole Mountain has a genuine Texas menu (steaks and barbecue) but their charcoal-grilled burgers get five-star reviews. A seriously tacky YouTube promotional video appears below along with a handy map.

Indicated above are: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Cole Mountain Restaurant in Terrell. I’m figuring it’s about 22 miles each way as the cow-pie flies.

Stay tuned for a restaurant review when we get home and thanks a million for reading this.

Saturday lunch options: baloney tacos, Big Franks in a can or leftover Mongolian chicken.

Good morning from Texas, y’all. Got anything exciting planned for today? If not, turn on your TV around 4 p.m. (Central time) because it’s the first Saturday in May and time once again for the Kentucky Derby, that annual southern extravaganza of stupid hats and teeny dudes riding expensive horses, as depicted below for your possible interest.

For the golf fans among you, it looks like Tiger Woods has screwed up again ... this time at the Wells Fargo Championship at Quail Hollow when he didn’t make the cut yesterday after round two. This dude’s game is really in the toilet and I can’t figure out why he’s still entering so many tournaments, especially after last month’s disaster at the Masters. Hey! It rhymes! Seriously, doesn’t Tiger have anything else to fall back on? Like hosting at a restaurant or selling Amway? For his next birthday somebody — his mother, for instance — should buy him a gift certificate for career counseling.

Diabetes bargains abound! I just ordered FOUR BOXES of 50 FreeStyle Lite test strips — enough to last me a few months — from Amazon because the weather’s getting warmer and you don’t want to mail-order heat-sensitive products like glucose test strips in the middle of summer around here when it’s hot enough to fry a couple of eggs on the hood of your Hyundai. In case you’re wondering, no, this was NOT a fun way to spend $107, but test strips on Amazon cost about 70% less than buying them from a pharmacy so at least I know I got a decent deal.

Anybody been following that story about Patricia Krentcil, the “tanning mom” from New Jersey? She’s that belligerent, partly-toothless, leather-faced Einstein who took her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth with her and wound up getting arrested on April 24 when the kid showed up at school burned to a crisp. Krentcil has been released on bond but faces up to 10 years in prison if she’s convicted of child endangerment. When asked by a TMZ reporter if she considered the case to be a witch hunt, Krentcil replied: “Yes. They’re jealous, they’re fat and they’re ugly.”

I’m desperately in need of lunch. A couple of Big Franks with mustard or leftover Mongolian chicken immediately come to mind, but I could also do a low-carb bagel with American cheese or a tasty baloney taco (Oscar Mayer baloney in a low-carb flour tortilla). Just in case you haven’t paid attention to my earlier posts, Big Franks are soy hotdogs in a can. I love them.

If you want to join me for lunch please RSVP via email within the next 10 minutes. Thank you for reading this.