Important Easter news and unexpected tacos.

In this post: Peeps, Jesus, commandments, surprise tacos.

I didn’t think I’d ever stay awake long enough today to write a Howdygram post, but guess what, people ... I was wrong and here I am! I’ve got a couple of Easter-related items of interest to share with you tonight. First up, here’s a video of a moron trying to eat 100 marshmallow Peeps in two minutes. Too bad nobody bothered to film his diabetic coma afterwards. Holy crap.

Wishing you a Happy Passover. And “yo” from Moses!

In this post: Passover.

Plans for the Howdygram Gefilte Fish Festival are finally taking shape.

In this post: Gefilte fish.

Oh boy, people! I just got an email from the KC Kosher Co-Op to let me know they’ve got a bunch of unclaimed and highly-discounted Passover groceries from last week’s delivery in Dallas and I should tell them ASAP if there’s anything I want. AND THERE IS! I wrote back right away and called dibs on a 12-jar case of Mother’s gefilte fish (pictured below) for only $4 a jar. In case you’re not a gefilte fish aficionado, that’s a STEAL! Pickup is set for Sunday night between 8 and 11 p.m. at the co-op’s regular drop-off location, which is a snooty mansion in north Dallas near George and Laura Bush’s house. Looks like plans for the Howdygram Gefilte Fish Festival are finally taking shape. (All I need now is an industrial-size drum of horseradish.) Mark your calendar!

Conspiracy theorists are paranoid schizophrenic poop-heads.

In this post: Disruptions, Einstein Award, upcoming events.

Our remodeling contractor (Clayton) will be here tomorrow at 11 a.m. to take apart the shower in our master bathroom and repair the damage from a water leak behind the marble bench. I’ll try to be as brave as possible about this, but I usually have a nervous breakdown if something disturbs my privacy and afternoon nap. Clayton and his helper will be here Thursday, too. I might have to blow my brains out.

See what happens when Bubba gets himself a job?

Sam and I are recovering from a “lost weekend,” during which we found ourselves unconscious for extended periods of time in various rooms of the house. This involved sleeping, napping and dozing off, skipping meals, not watching a thunderstorm and forgetting to fold socks. And for no discernible reason whatsoever, I might add, other than we must have been pretty damn tired. Unfortunately, this resulted in missing a monumental once-in-a-lifetime event nearby in Garland on Sunday afternoon: THE OSCAR MAYER WIENERMOBILE.

I don’t know if Oscar Mayer still employs dwarfs as their Little Oscar mascot — can they still get away with that? — but he was definitely a well-loved little dude back in the 1950s. The wienermobile used to draw huge crowds. For the record, the original Little Oscar was Meinhardt Raabe, who also played the Munchkin coroner in “The Wizard of Oz.” He died in 2010 at the age of 94.

Hey, I’ve got another Einstein award, and it’s definitely a “first” for the Howdygram! This time we’re bestowing our honor on an entire institution — The Galveston National Laboratory at the University of Texas Medical Center — where a team of highly-trained Einsteins apparently lost one of five vials containing the deadly Guanarito virus from Venezuela.

The $174 million facility is designed with the strictest security measures imaginable to house the deadliest viruses in the United States. Yup. See what happens when Bubba gets himself a job? Other killer viruses stored at the laboratory include anthrax, Ebola and the plague. Dr. William Schaffner at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville offered a surprisingly glib apology for the error: “Fortunately, losing a vial of Guanarito is not as threatening as losing a vial of anthrax.”

Thanks, Einsteins. We’ll sleep better tonight knowing it can still get worse.

Our GE gas range (pictured below) was repaired this afternoon, and I’m happy to report that my kitchen is functioning again at maximum capacity. Thank God the technician was able to adjust the oven’s thermostat (total charge, $98) and did NOT have to replace the entire electronic sensor unit, which would have cost at least $395 more and involve dismantling the entire stove. If that were the case I’d probably just ask Sam for a new gas range altogether, since Conn’s and Best Buy always have nice GE ranges on sale for about $549 ... and next time I might even be able to get one with a convection oven. Holy crap!

Sam is extremely swamped at work tonight. It’s 10:45 p.m. and he just called — the first chance he’s had since he left the house at 1:15 this afternoon — to let me know he won’t be home until 1 a.m. This sucks for a number of reasons, but mainly because he should be sitting in the family room right now with a bag of trail mix watching Dial M for Murder starring Grace Kelly and Ray Milland.

I almost forgot to wish y’all a happy Passover! As soon as I finish this post I plan to launch a solo gefilte fish festival with a large quantity of horseradish. My agenda for tomorrow morning includes making matzo ball soup. Thank you for reading this.

The Howdygram’s First Annual Gefilte Fish Festival, tomorrow at noon.

Shalom, howdy, how’s the family and Passover greetings to friends, relatives and gefilte fish fans throughout the world. You know who you are! Sam and I aren’t especially gung-ho about holidays unless they involve large quantities of food, which explains why I’m writing a Howdygram post at sundown and he’s asleep on the patio. Oy.

Our new V-Tech cordless phones were delivered today and I know you can’t wait to find out how they’re doing! Set-up was easy, you can choose from a pile of ringtones that range from ordinary to seriously irritating — think gestapo siren — and the buttons are huge and light up so senior citizens can see them in the dark. I have no idea if the audio is any good because nobody ever calls us, but we’re ready just in case.

For your possible interest our weekend activities will include: 1) the Howdygram’s First Annual Gefilte Fish Festival, planned for Saturday at noon in the family room with extra horseradish; 2) tracking my beet borscht shipment from Manischewitz; 3) folding socks; and 4) cooking Sam his favorite matzo omelette (see recipe) because he has zero interest in borscht or gefilte fish, with or without a festival.

Thank you for reading this.

Gefilte fish. The other white meat.

Oy! In honor of Passover, which begins at sundown Friday, please allow me to post the following brand new photos of my great-nephew Cooper, 3 months old, who’s the cutest little matzo ball I’ve seen in years. I think he looks exactly like his father, although I’ve never seen Greg posing in a red inner tube with booties so it’s hard to say for sure.

And now I’d like to say a few words about gefilte fish, my #1 favorite Passover weakness. I love this stuff! I sent Sam to Tom Thumb this week to pick up six big jars for me on sale at $2.99 each — that’s about 60% off — plus a stockpile of horseradish so there’s no chance I’ll run out.

The gefilte fish cupcake pictured above is real ... but not actually “dessert.” I saw the recipe online. It’s just smooshed-up store-bought gefilte fish baked in cupcake tins with horseradish cream frosting. I don’t know about you, but I find this picture strangely exciting.

For the record, my #2 Passover weakness is beet borscht, which is impossible to find anywhere in Dallas because the local Jim-Bobs have no conception of anything that’s even remotely “ethnic” unless it’s a taco. So yesterday I ordered myself two big jars — sugar-free! — from the Manischewitz website. I like my borscht ice cold with a glob of sour cream mixed in. How about you?

A quick reminder to those of you with an interest in fine television programming! The new season of “Deadliest Catch” premiers April 10 on the Discovery Channel, and the season four trashfest of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” begins April 22 on Bravo. Thank you for reading this.