Relief efforts are underway. The Red Cross is requesting beer and barbecue sauce.

In this post: Casino capers, earthquake relief, the Duggars make me sick.

Even though Sam and I enjoyed our drive to Oklahoma this morning, this actually turned out NOT to be a very good day for me at the Choctaw Casino for the following reasons: 1) I woke up with crappy joint pain even though I had more than enough sleep and felt not too bad otherwise; 2) my taste buds were virtually nonexistent today — blame it on diabetic neuropathy — and everything on the buffet had NO FLAVOR WHATSOEVER including the pea salad and sugar-free pie I’ve been obsessing about for the last two months; and 3) I lost $40 at the penny slots. FORTY BUCKS! You have to be awfully damn lame (not to mention SERIOUSLY UNLUCKY) to pull off a stunt like that. On the plus side, however, the scooter rental was pleasant as hell and Sam won an excellent jackpot at the Cash Wizard slot machine!

Tomorrow we get to cross the Red River and moo at lots of cattle.

In this post: Shopping options, time travel.

Good news, people! It’s still my birthday for three more hours, which means there’s still a decent window of opportunity to send a present. I suggest Amazon.com. Thank you.

Note to Congressman Pete Sessions: Next election I look forward to ending your obvious misery.

In this post: Birthday clubs, casino scooters, vindictive old white men.

This, dear friends, is always my favorite time of year. Because I painstakingly remembered to sign myself up for all kinds of valuable “birthday clubs”: 1) stores, websites and restaurants are drowning me with emails and coupons for discounts, free shipping and piles of free food I can’t eat; 2) my dentist sent a postcard for free teeth-whitening (what a comedian; I wear dentures); and 3) and a scam outfit called Lake Pointe Advisory Group has invited me to a free senior citizen seminar so I can “learn to protect your retirement wealth.” (Here’s a thought ... if I don’t go, I can protect it from THEM.)

Embracing a time-honored senior citizen tradition.

In this post: Anticipating Sam, Marcy’s Birthday Wish List.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. for a time-honored senior citizen tradition — i.e., a middle-of-the-night pee — when I realized, sadly, that SAM WAS STILL DOWNTOWN AT THE OFFICE. No kidding, people ... he worked 44½ hours of overtime this weekend and didn’t come home until first shift showed up around 7 a.m. He went straight to bed the minute he walked in even though I suggested Brownie Brittle and Cool Whip for breakfast.

The Choctaw Casino has a frozen yogurt machine with sprinkles.

In this post: Kicked to the curb, Choctaw Casino.

Howdygram headquarters is doing a happy dance! Tea party Republicans were kicked to the curb last night when they lost their unwinnable battle against President Obama and the United States of America, and I’m pleased to offer the following chart as evidence:

And so ... Federal employees can return to work today and our constipated government will finally move its collective bowels. Quite frankly, if I never see Ted Cruz’s face again it’ll be too soon. What an arrogant POS.

It’s official. My clients are making me crazy.

I haven’t posted for a couple of days. I know, I know, sue me. I’ve had issues, okay? And in addition to issues, I’ve also been exceptionally preoccupied with all of the following activities.

SAM’S BIRTHDAY AT THE CHOCTAW CASINO. We drove up to Durant, Oklahoma, yesterday and celebrated Sam’s 54th with a trio of TERRIFIC NEW PENNY SLOTS and the lunch buffet that included all of my favorites: pea salad, sugar-free pie and SUGAR-FREE CHEESECAKE! Holy crap! For your possible interest the aforementioned terrific new penny slots are pictured below. We broke even yesterday, which is actually pretty cool for a big day of fun that also included lots of better-than-average food.

ANOTHER LOUSY PLANTAR FASCIITIS FLARE-UP. I had to rent an electric scooter yesterday at the casino because the pain in my right heel was excruciating and I didn’t want to scare people to death crying on my way to the buffet. I’m glad I did this because the overall experience was swell and I never realized how much fun it is to parallel park next to a slot machine.

CONSUMING LARGE QUANTITIES OF CHIA SEEDS. These adorable little things are changing my life! I enjoy a daily pudding made from two cups of Soy Slender soy milk and ¼ cup of chia seeds that poof up and turn into a tasty mucilage (read more). Please try them.

WRESTLING WITH MY WEB DESIGN BUSINESS. It’s official. My clients are making me crazy and I hate ALL of them right now. In an effort to simplify my business and retire by the end of the year, a couple of weeks ago I closed down my overpriced credit card processing account and asked my clients to pay for their website hosting quarterly by check from now on. I’m sad to report that practically nobody remembered to do this (the due date is tomorrow) even though I sent out three semi-friendly reminder emails. I want to whack all of them in the head collectively with my cane.

MY NEW LAMPS ARE HERE. You know, the ones I ordered a few days ago (see earlier post) from Kirklands.com. Sam hasn’t assembled them yet but I plan to start annoying him to death immediately after dinner.

We’re having some deliciously unseasonable weather here in the Dallas area! I’m talking COLD FRONT, people ... 15 degrees below average with temperatures mostly in the upper 80s! This is both awesome and thrilling as hell because we’re usually frying around here by the first of July. Ask anybody. Two years ago we had 70 straight days of 100+ temperatures that began before Memorial Day and killed 15% of the trees in north Texas. And all of those trees are still dead!

More local news! First, professional wrestler “Doink the Clown” died on Friday at a local hospital here in the Dallas area. Police officers said 55-year-old Matt Osborne was taken by ambulance after he was found unconscious inside his apartment in Plano. It’s entirely possible that he scared himself to death. 

Second, the Taco Bell on Broadway Avenue not far from Howdygram headquarters caught fire early Saturday morning. The restaurant was closed at the time and no burritos were injured in the blaze.

Thank you for reading this.

Gifts for senior citizens. Think Hanukkah! Think birthdays! Think Valentine’s Day!

Hi, people. Sam is running errands and I’m here at home with Kleenex and a Marcytini while I nurse the onset of a cold. I am absolutely determined NOT to get sick, so to cheer myself up this morning I ordered a large container of blank CDs, Coricidin caplets and a bottle of Queen Latifah perfume because I’ve always wanted to smell like a large African American rapper who’s technically a lesbian.

Incidentally, Sam and I had a first-class experience yesterday at the Choctaw Casino! Not counting an especially fabulous lunch at the buffet — pea salad, sugar-free pie, catfish, guacamole and green olives for me; salmon and baby cheesecakes for Sam — I had nice wins at the two penny slot machines pictured below, and Sam did extremely well, too. WE LOVE MONEY. Money is wonderful!

Because I always enjoy discovering new places to shop online, the Howdygram is pleased to recommend EasyComforts.com, the perfect gift resource for all the senior citizens in your life. I refer to such products as extra-stretchy socks for swollen feet, toenail fungus cream, an exciting variety of pill sorters, napkin clips for dribblers, those hard-to-find retro plastic rain bonnets, sofa protectors in case you accidentally leak watching a Danny Kaye movie, fancy wheelchair accessories, do-it-yourself kits to reline your own dentures … and so much more! Think Hanukkah! Think birthdays! Think Valentine’s Day!

From our Where Not To Dine While You Buy Weird Furniture department, IKEA has announced that the Swedish meatballs served in their U.S. stores DO NOT CONTAIN HORSE MEAT. What a relief.

Apparently the meat used in IKEA’s meatballs in the U.S. comes from a domestic supplier and is not affected by the recall of 1,675 pounds of frozen meatballs in the Czech Republic, which occurred when the Czech State Veterinary Administration detected traces of Trigger and Seabiscuit. IKEA’s furniture stores throughout the world feature restaurants that sell food typical of the store’s home country — Sweden — including their “wildly popular Kotbullar meatballs.” (I’ve tried them. They’re neither wild nor popular.)

Thank you for reading this.

Come on over. We’re folding socks and playing Pirates of the Caribbean.

Huge and exciting news from Howdygram headquarters! First, we just ordered dinner from China City. Second, tomorrow we’ve planned an excursion to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma for their half-price buffet lunch — with pea salad and sugar-free pie! —  and a couple of hours at the penny slots where we might win as much as $25. Third, the monster blizzard that buried the Texas panhandle this morning will miss us completely, thank God.

On the downside, Sam’s right eye is still a blurry, useless mess since his retina surgery last week so he started wearing a black patch this morning after a trip to Wal-Mart. The patch makes him look exotic, dangerous and slightly disabled. He’ll see the doctor on Wednesday. In the meantime we’re playing Pirates of the Caribbean. (Arrgh.)

In case you’re curious, my blow-out with AT&T today actually turned out not too bad. I managed to lower our bill from $207 to $133 per month for the U-Verse “300” package (including all the high-definition channels plus HBO) with Internet service and digital home phone. AT&T is always really nice about helping you find a better deal. The problem is, if you don’t scrutinze your monthly statement line-by-line with a magnifying glass and pick up the phone every time you find a discrepancy, they’ll assume you’re the sucker of the century and continue ripping you off for the rest of your life. I don’t know about you, but I hate doing business like that. You can’t trust ANYBODY.

A bunch of deliveries will be waiting for us tomorrow when we get home from the casino! They include a 30-pound crate of assorted DaVinci sugar-free soft drinks syrups from Lollicup, our new 12-cup Cuisinart coffeemaker from Amazon plus a package of 400 cone filters. We love beverages around here. As I write this post I’m slugging down a glass of Coke Zero enhanced with two squirts of DaVinci sugar-free blueberry and doing laundry concurrently so it’s not a total waste of time. Sock-folding starts in 30 minutes if you have nothing else to do. Thank you.

In Denison, Texas, you can wave at a statue of Eisenhower’s head.

I’ve discovered that it’s hard to write Howdygram posts when Sam is on vacation because I’d rather hang out with him than with you. I apologize if that’s a little too blunt, but what the hell. Get over it.

Yesterday we crept north in low-visibility fog to spend the day at the Choctaw Casino. We love the Choctaw Casino, and here’s why:

• It’s an old crowd, mostly 70 and up. Hell, even the employees are old.
• Their penny slot machines are EXCELLENT. I play Rembrandt Riches and Sam likes DaVinci Diamonds. (It has to be the sound effects.)
• Practically nobody smokes.
• The buffet is a chorus line of canes, rollators and power scooters and all the the food is really easy to chew. I favor their pea salad and sugar-free pie but the meatballs are pretty damn good, too.
• They have nice carpeting and spotless, state-of-the-art bathrooms featuring: 1) magic faucets and soap dispensers that turn on and off all by themselves; 2) jet engine hand dryers that try to blow off your wedding ring; and 3) huge mirrors.

The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) the Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma. On the west side of the freeway at Denison, Texas, you can wave at a gigantic statue of former president Dwight D. Eisenhower’s head because he was born there. (In Denison, not on the freeway. They didn’t have freeways in 1890. They also didn’t have cars in 1890.) Eisenhower’s birthplace in Denison is no big hoo-hah, though, since he only lived there until he was two. (Seriously.)

In case you give a crap, here are images of the slot machines referenced in the previous paragraph:

Sam has an appointment this morning for an eye exam and already knows for sure he’ll need glasses. This will be helpful for him on a number of different levels, but mostly because he: 1) can’t read type smaller than 36 points; and 2) can’t operate our thermostat, oven knobs and TV remote for the reason noted in item 1.

This is 36 points.

On the downside, however, with glasses on his face Sam will have to stop telling me I look like a kid of 50. (I’m almost 62 years old. Holy crap.)

I should go back to bed for a while because it’s fun to sleep when there’s dense fog outside. Thank you for reading this.

Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV.

I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t watch the election results yet because the presidential contest is still too close and Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV with my cane. Therefore, I’ve kept myself occupied this evening with two worthwhile non-political activities: 1) downloading free fonts; and 2) shopping for shoes.

First, the shoes. I ordered a nice pair of leather mules with stretchy things (see right) for shuffling around the Choctaw Casino and/or Trader Joe’s. I haven’t had any new shoes for a very long time because I rarely leave the house. In case you’re interested, I bought black, not silver, because I don’t want people to think I’m a floozy.

Second, the fonts. These were all FREE (with the exception of Captain Narrow, as explained in my previous post) from a variety of excellent free-font websites, including FontSquirrel.com, FontSpace.com and uFonts.com. Are these great, or what? Depending on how long it takes for MSNBC to declare a winner I might be downloading free fonts all night long. Holy crap.

Sam just got home from work so it’s finally time to turn on the TV and watch election results. Also because I think I have enough new fonts for the time being. Thank you.

Glucose chewables from Wal-Mart: the most popular snack in Diabetesland!

Sam and I had a fun and frisky Saturday even though it began a little on the weird side for yours truly. I woke at 5 a.m. for no worthwhile reason whatsoever, and after hanging out at my desk for a couple of minutes I realized I was unusually hungry and wobbly so I tested my blood sugar, and 52 was way too low again. A thin-crust Super Supreme from Pizza Hut would have been an excellent solution, but since they don’t open at dawn for breakfast — and neither does China City, damn them — I did the next best thing: glucose chewables from Wal-Mart. They’re the most popular snack in Diabetesland!

A few hours later Sam and I headed north to the Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma, where we made a big hoo-hah of my birthday (a few days early, in case you’re keeping track) at the buffet and then horsed around afterwards at the penny slots. This time they had my favorite sugar-free pie — banana cream — but NO PEA SALAD. I was counting on pea salad! I didn’t conceal my disappointment very well, unfortunately, and after Sam couldn’t calm me down with two whacks of a serving spoon our waitress had to call security. (Just kidding.) A nice photo of the casino’s buffet appears below. There’s a dude carving something in the foreground but I don’t know who he is and neither does Sam.

In case you’re planning ahead for the holidays, here’s a festive candy option to share with your friends, relatives and coworkers. Order yours today from Amazon.com and tell ’em Marcy sent you. Holy crap, I hope they make a sugar-free version!

Thank you for reading this.

The Choctaw Casino ... good meat loaf, the best pea salad and memorable money.

Hi. Miss me? I took a two-day break from posting here for no particular reason and therefore apologize if any of my regular Howdygramsters have considered rioting or mass suicide. And I mean this sincerely.

As I get older I’m learning how to deal with unexpected weirdness, loss and general crap. After a semi-sleepless night on Friday, during which I amused myself at the computer Googling names from the past, I found a current home address for a friend from 25 years ago when I lived in Dallas with my first husband. Last night when I sat down to write Judy a letter I Googled her name one more time to double-check the mailing address and WHAM, up pops her obituary from March 2012 “following a brief and intense battle with cancer.” I felt like somebody kicked me in the gut. But as I continued reading I learned quite a lot about her family during the past two and a half decades and felt considerably less lousy afterwards. Judy’s three children — who were in their teens last time I saw them — all grew up to be educated, successful and fertile. They gave her 16 grandchildren. SIXTEEN! I found an address for Judy’s youngest daughter in a small town east of Dallas and might send her a note. I’m hoping Katie remembers me.

Sam and I had a lovely weekend that included a drive in the country and a pointless trip to Baskin Robbins in Rockwall because THEY DIDN’T HAVE ANY MORE SUGAR-FREE ICE CREAM. Not one to be discouraged, however, I immediately moved on to Plan B ... hot dogs and fries from Five Guys.

Even though this looks like every bad decision you ever made, a Five Guys hot dog is AWESOME and they let you add as many toppings as you want for free. And just when you think it can’t get any better, the hot dog is GRILLED and the bun is TOASTED. Glorioski!

Sam took a day off work today. It should come as no surprise that we used it for a fun little junket to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma. We arrived around 11 just in time for the lunch buffet — featuring good meat loaf, the best pea salad in the world and sugar-free pie — and then proceeded to win memorable sums of money from our favorite penny slots (Cash Wizard for Sam, Rembrandt Riches for me). We’ll probably go back in a few weeks to celebrate my birthday because I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do.

I’d better start making some decisions about dinner. Thank you for reading this.

I wonder if I can boost my Google ranking by typing “royal titties” in really big letters.

We didn’t make it to the Choctaw Casino today after all. I’m not noticeably hysterical and/or despondent since Sam promised we’d get there next weekend instead and — glorioski! let’s eat! — we’re going out for an early dinner around 4:30. At this point we still have no clear idea where that will be, however, and high-level negotiations are currently in progress. So far the other side (i.e., Sam) has expressed zero interest in buffets or anything that’s located downtown. I’m leaning towards Thai food in Addison. Stay tuned for additional developments. In the meantime, you have approximately one hour to email your suggestions. Thank you.

Last night’s Howdygram post — titled “A pair of very royal titties in the news” — is apparently making a big fat splash in cyberspace. So far we’re receiving top-tier results on Google for the search phrase “royal titties,” attracting a huge list of new visitors from Great Britain, New Zealand, the Netherlands, India, Guam, Germany, various cities in Canada and locations throughout the United States. I wonder if I can boost my Google ranking by typing “royal titties” in really big letters. Let’s give it a shot, shall we?

royal titties

Thank you for reading this. Tell your friends, okay?

A pair of very royal titties in the news.

Yo, everybody! It’s been a dark and dismal non-rainy day here in Howdygramland. I’ve managed to fill my time with a lot of nothing and didn’t even get an afternoon nap. So far my only productive activities have included watching “People’s Court” and half a Dick Powell movie, baking low-carb banana bread and taking pills. It’s a full life.

Because we always have such a good time doing goofy crap together, there’s a very strong possibility that Sam and I might be heading back to Oklahoma tomorrow for lunch at the Choctaw Casino (with sugar-free pie!) and another stab at the penny slots. This is thrilling on a number of different levels, such as: 1) it’s an older crowd and practically everybody has a cane except Sam; 2) we get 50% off the lunch buffet with our Player’s Club cards; and 3) they have Coke Zero in their free soda machines. Now I ask you, does it ever get better than that?

From our Holy Crap, Not Again department, just three weeks after Prince Harry scandalized the world by partying naked in Las Vegas with intoxicated people he didn’t know, a pair of very royal titties are making news today, splashed across the front page of the French gossip magazine “Closer.” Buckingham Palace confirms that the Duchess of Cambridge was photographed topless on a private patio at a private rented residence in France by a jerk on a highway with a telephoto lens. The royal family intends to sue.

Just a thought, but it might be a really good idea for younger members of the royal family to discontinue all manner of naked frolicking unless they’re AT HOME IN A LOCKED ROOM. I’ve lived almost 61 years and relatively few people have ever seen (or wanted to see) my titties. I’m just saying.

Thank you for reading this.

Forty dollars is nothing to sneeze at.

Breaking news: My shuffling days are over. I can no longer get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night with my eyes closed. When you’re 60 years old with arthritis and neuropathy this once-simple activity requires a number of important and sequential steps, including: 1) turning on a light so I won’t get dizzy; 2) grabbing my cane, my robe and my trifocals; 3) shlepping down the hall to the bathroom without smashing my toes on the bench at the end of our bed; 4) accomplishing item 3 in reverse; and 5) glancing at the clock before I get back into bed and realizing I’ve been gone 22 minutes, at which point I’m wide awake and wondering if there’s any leftover chocolate pudding in the refrigerator and why not write a Howdygram post while I’m at it.

It’s hell getting old.

Sam and I had a wonderful day at the Choctaw Casino! The buffet today was actually a BIG BRUNCH HOO-HAH with lots of fun and exciting things to eat. Wonton soup with excellent wontons! Guacamole! Nice tamales! Lox and bagels! Eggs! Omelets! Tubs of bacon! Tuna salad! Biscuits! And (of course) SUGAR-FREE LEMON MERINGUE PIE! Afterwards we won some encouraging dough at the penny slots, returning home with a nice little profit of $40. This is nothing to sneeze at. Our favorite lucky slot machines are pictured below for your possible interest.

From our Only in Texas department comes the story of the Braken Bat Cave Meshweaver, an eyeless (i.e., blind) spider that’s been on the federal endangered species list for the last 12 years. Apparently somebody spotted the aforementioned blind spider a few days ago in a hole near San Antonio where the Texas Department of  Transportation was rebuilding an underpass at Route 151. “Yo, Jim-Bob, stop the back-hoe! I found me a stupid spider with NO EYES!” Seriously?

Naturally, our neanderthal GOP governor Rick “Einstein” Perry (see below) has no problem halting a $15 million highway project to protect the habitat of a crappy little spider while continuing to deny Planned Parenthood’s health care services to 200,000 poor women who need prenatal care, cancer screenings and birth control. (It’s pretty clear which species ranks higher in Texas.)

Hey, Einstein, here’s a news flash for you … TEXAS HAS ENOUGH INSECTS. Just go ahead and squish the little bastard. He’s blind. He’ll never know who did it.

I need to watch a movie now. Thank you for reading this.

Saturday in Howdygramland includes lots of food, lots of naps and Humphrey Bogart.

Yo, everybody, and happy Saturday night! Following a lazy afternoon of consecutive naps Sam and I enjoyed a terrific dinner at Cafe Greek in Dallas, drove through a bunch of different neighborhoods just for fun and then came home to collapse and watch TV. We’re definitely feeling stuffed, lethargic and generally pooped but plan to rebound FAST for our trip to the Choctaw Casino tomorrow. We’ll be on the road by 9:30 a.m.

Cafe Greek is pictured above for your possible interest. They’ve got cute Greek décor and a well-stocked buffet full of excellent Greek food — moussaka, gyros, crunchy sesame fish slabs, spanakopita, chicken, stuffed grape leaves and a huge variety of cold Mediterranean things and marinated doodads — plus a couple of Greek desserts floating in Greek honey that left Sam weak in his thoroughly non-Greek knees. Service, however, was nonexistent. Two crabby owners sat at a corner table bickering in their native language and pretty much ignored everything and everybody else until Sam finally had to walk his empty glass into the kitchen for more water and ice. Fortunately, it wasn’t a very long walk and they gave him a lot of ice. (Ice is good.)

At the moment I’m considering a nice hot shower followed by a bowl of sugar-free cherry pie filling and a couple of Humphrey Bogart movies. We’re halfway through The Big Sleep and then I’d like to watch Key Largo in honor of hurricane season.

Thank you for reading this. Feel free to come back any time.

Pie is serious.

Yo everybody. Before I go to bed I thought I’d let you know that Sam and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary next weekend with a nice drive to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma, where we’ll win an armload of dough at the penny slots (I can dream) and eat lunch at the buffet with sugar-free pie. My favorite is the lemon meringue. It’s so damn good I might skip the entrees altogether and just do pie. I’m not kidding. Pie is serious.

I don’t really know why I thought it was so important to tell you about this, but what the hell. Thank you.

Nothing I do has ever been worth $120 an hour to anybody.

First, please accept my apology for not writing posts for the last couple of days. I didn’t intend to ignore you; it just happened. I guess I was preoccupied with other crap, although at this point I honestly can’t remember what that other crap might have been. It’s hell getting old.

My Mac technician finally showed up today to install the latest operating system and sync our computers with our new iPad. This turned out to take a lot longer and cost a lot more money than I’d planned, leading me to conclude that I’ve been in the wrong business all these years because nothing I do has ever been worth $120 an hour to anybody. After shelling out $360 for three hours of labor, during which Betty talked about her mother and juggled an endless flurry of incoming calls on her cell phone, I am proud to announce that emails now show up on our iPad. I promise to let you know if it was worth the money as soon as I get over the shock.

For your possible interest I’m pleased to offer yet another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring three former cutie-pies who haven’t had much luck with their aging genes. I think Kathleen Turner and Linda Ronstadt are the scariest of the bunch.

Incidentally, Sam and I had a swell and profitable junket yesterday to the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma! Following an okay lunch with sugar-free pie, I hauled in GREAT BIG WINS (more than $60) on a couple of new penny slots and then Sam hit a jackpot on the best slot machine God ever invented, the Cash Wizard (see below), after which we bailed out immediately and drove back to Texas so we wouldn’t be tempted the blow the money.

This week we’re busy tending to a lot of essential baloney as we get ready for our big ROAD TRIP, such as prescription refills, getting a new pair of jeans shortened, figuring out which shoes to pack and selecting obscure towns to stop for lunch on the way to wherever we’re going. A map of our travel route appears below.

Indicated here are: 1) Howdygram headquarters, our starting point; 2) Vicksburg, Mississippi, where we’ll visit a huge Civil War battlefield, a great museum and several riverboat casinos; 3) another Civil War battlefield in Shiloh, Tennessee; 4) Nashville and the Grand Ole Opry; and 5) the Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Arkansas. Also on our schedule is a visit to Monroe, Louisiana, located on the map between points 1 and 2, where my father was stationed in 1943 for basic training in the Army Air Corps. Apparently the only remaining building on base has been turned into a World War II museum and I’m feeling compelled to check it out. I even have a fantasy that I’ll find a photo of dad on the wall. No kidding.

I’d better get myself ready for bed. Tomorrow Sam and I want to road-test our new Garmin GPS (delivered from Amazon earlier today) and visit the Dallas Farmer’s Market.

As you can see, this is NOT the kind of farmer’s market that sets up in a parking lot once or twice a month. It’s a permanent complex of buildings with indoor vendor stalls and restaurants that’s open every day of the year except Christmas and Thanksgiving. Sam and I haven’t been there before, so stay tuned for an in-depth review. I apologize in advance if you’re convinced this will be boring.

Shalom, y’all.

Danny DeVito is obviously enjoying a steady diet of lasagna and Ding Dongs.

The last 48 hours have been plagued by two crushing disappointments here at Howdygram headquarters, mostly because Sam and I are a pair of trusting souls who tend to believe almost everything we hear.

Crushing Disappointment Number One. We canceled our trip to the Choctaw Casino yesterday because rain and thunderstorms were in the forecast all day and we’d have to be awfully desperate to drive 160 miles round-trip in a deluge for sugar-free pie and penny slots. Unfortunately we never got a single drop of rain on Thursday whatsoever, so we wound up sitting around the house all day DOING NOTHING and whining about why the hell did we ever listen to those pathological liars at Weather.com again.

Crushing Disappointment Number Two. I finally managed to turn my mood around by reminding myself that Betty was coming over on Friday afternoon to upgrade our Macs with the latest operating system, install a pile of fabulous new Adobe software and synch everything with our iPad. Right on schedule, Betty sent an email at 2:30 to tell me she was “on the way” with a thirty-minute ETA ... AND THEN SHE NEVER SHOWED UP. Apparently she had car trouble and wound up getting towed to a dealership, which I didn’t find out until two hours later because she left voice mails on my cell phone and I NEVER TURN ON MY CELL PHONE. (Seriously. My cell phone leads a full and rewarding life as an expensive paperweight.)

Although we’ve rescheduled the Choctaw Casino for Monday and Betty for Tuesday, to help me get through the weekend without a nervous breakdown I’ve convinced Sam that we need dim sum for lunch tomorrow at Hong Kong Royal. God bless dim sum. Dim sum can solve damn near anything.

For your possible interest I’m pleased to include the latest installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery.

Of the four celebrities pictured above, the one I’d pick for Most Deteriorated would be Rip Torn, who looks mighty shredded to me. Connie Stevens seems kind of colorless and pruny, Danny DeVito is obviously enjoying a steady diet of lasagna and Ding Dongs, and I’m thoroughly intrigued by Dean Stockwell, who’s practically the only movie star left from Hollywood’s golden age, having appeared in films with — ready for this? — William Powell, Myrna Loy, Joel McCrea, Greer Garson, Gregory Peck, Lionel Barrymore, Reginald Owen, Gene Kelly, Donald Crisp, Charles Coburn and Wallace Beery. Holy crap!

It’s 11 p.m. and time for my insulin injection and a pile of pills. For a bedtime snack I’m considering sugar-free vanilla ice cream with Smucker’s sugar-free fudge topping. I could even use my pills as demented sprinkles just for fun. Thank you for reading this.

Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland and other late-night entertainment.

Warmest greetings from Howdygram headquarters, where it’s been torrentially wet and unexpectedly stormy since late yesterday afternoon. We’ve probably had at least 1½ inches of rain so far with more thundercrap on the way overnight and a full day of rain forecast for Thursday. As a result, it’s possible that our junket to the Choctaw Casino might be postponed if we don’t get a break in the weather, and I’m understandably devastated in advance about missing the sugar-free pie at Butterfield’s Buffet. The map below illustrates our current weather situation and the big pink star indicates Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in, I’m the attractive but grumpy senior citizen in the window clutching an empty fork.

During an especially noisy period of consecutive thunderstorms Wednesday night Sam and I ordered dinner from China City and watched Frankenstein (1931) with Colin Clive, Boris Karloff and Mae Clarke. Believe it or not, I’d never seen the entire movie before and thought it was definitely creepy, atmospheric, scary and extremely well done, especially when you consider there were no computer-generated backgrounds or special effects.

And finally, if you’ve been following the ongoing saga of Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland I’m pleased to announce that MY BLOOD SUGAR IS FINALLY UNDER CONTROL. I’m injecting 86 units of Lantus® insulin every night at bedtime. So far, so good. And as long as I’m composing a health-centered paragraph, the annoying flu-ish symptoms I had last night never morphed into anything substantial and I’m feeling fine. (Thank you for asking.)

I think I’ll pour myself a nice tall Marcytini and play a new slot machine game on my iPad. If I close the door to the study I can even turn on the sound and not disturb Sam, who went to bed about 45 minutes ago. The sound effects are amazing and you really feel like you’re in a casino except nobody’s sitting next to you with a cigarette blowing smoke in your face.

Thank you for reading this.