Thank God I’m retired because technology makes me sick.

In this post: Headaches, horseshit, brain damage.

I’m not exactly sure how to write this post. At the moment I’ve got a migraine headache resulting from a major brouhaha today with my website hosting company, Web.com. I’ll try to explain what happened without screaming. In case you need a definition, a “brouhaha” is a regular garden-variety hoo-hah with significant additional hysterics.

Another dose of twisted right-wing crap.

In this post: Warped Einsteins, right-wing fetus worship.

I wrote so many posts yesterday — FOUR! — that I didn’t really think I’d have much to say today, but you know what? I was wrong! So here I am, fingers on the keyboard, all limbered-up and ready to go, ready to write another round of truly screwy horseshit. Thank you for showing up today. Before I forget, however ... I’m cold, I’m hungry and my knees hurt, and I might have to duck out for a few minutes to eat dinner because it’s already 6:30.

Conspiracy theorists are paranoid schizophrenic poop-heads.

In this post: Disruptions, Einstein Award, upcoming events.

Our remodeling contractor (Clayton) will be here tomorrow at 11 a.m. to take apart the shower in our master bathroom and repair the damage from a water leak behind the marble bench. I’ll try to be as brave as possible about this, but I usually have a nervous breakdown if something disturbs my privacy and afternoon nap. Clayton and his helper will be here Thursday, too. I might have to blow my brains out.

All we need to beat Russia is a very cool president. And Wall Street.

In this post: Braised camel turds, strangling Putin.

We did it. We did lunch on Saturday at Cafe Greek in Dallas. We always enjoy the food, and the price for their buffet is really swell, but the overall ambiance is two rungs lower than a state-run mental institution and the owner — we call him the “Grim Reaper” — is a rude, non-verbal grumpyface who sits with his back to the dining room playing with an iPad. Even worse, THEY NEVER HAVE ANY CUSTOMERS and we don’t know how they keep their business open. Cafe Greek is situated in a busy strip mall in a popular part of town, the parking lot is always packed with cars, yet at 12 noon on a beautiful spring Saturday the only diners — besides Sam and me — are a pair of joyless middle-aged women at separate tables sending text messages. (Not to each other.) Cafe Greek can’t possibly be a money-making enterprise, but as long as they let me eat unlimited baked fish with sesame seeds for $9.95 I don’t give a crap about their bottom line. And Sam loves the desserts.

The top five most overlooked warning signs that you’re ready to blow somebody’s brains out.

In this post: Divorcing AARP, South African prowlers, a movie review.

I’ve got sort of an addendum to my previous post. I forgot to mention that last night I unsubscribed from AARP’s emails, too! I’d been receiving an average of two or three EVERY DAMN DAY for as long as I can remember and finally got so sick of their annoying messages I wanted to scream. A few of AARP’s typical email subjects included: incessant offers for car insurance, health insurance, marine insurance, Medicare supplements and term life; where to get member discounts on rental cars, pizza, motels, shower caps, prescriptions, lawn mowers, adult bibs, power scooters, douchebags, nail files, laptops, patio awnings and cell phones; the top 10 cities for retirement; why your feet are swollen; learn to protect your money from people who think you’re really old and stupid; how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe; songs you should be singing; look out for identity theft; six things that can make you itch; how to land the job you want (I don’t want a stinking job! I’M RETIRED, YOU IDIOTS!); eat these foods to fight depression; sex after 60; and the top five most overlooked warning signs that YOU’RE READY TO BLOW SOMEBODY’S BRAINS OUT. You get my drift, right?

I’ve got a complete home medical center. I probably qualify as a service provider under Obamacare.

In this post: Shopping addendum, medical supplies, early voting, Einsteins.

Yo. Here’s a brief but interesting Wal-Mart shopping update to the Wal-Mart shopping update in my last post. I just ordered one more set of the same really nice wrinkle-free 500-thread-count king-size sheets, this time in ivory, plus four boxes of individually-wrapped alcohol wipey things and — glorioski! — I finally remembered to try Wal-Mart’s store brand quart- and gallon-size kitchen storage bags.

Two Florida Einsteins in one day.

In this post: Another Einstein, a blast from the past.

Never in a million years did I ever think I’d have two Einstein Awards just a few hours apart, but here we are! Meet William “Einstein” Golladay, a 77-year-old crab-ass Wal-Mart shopper from Florida (holy crap ... Florida again?) who had a screaming fit when the customer in front of him — John Malherbe, age 67, who was handicapped and using an electric shopping cart — tried to check out with 22 items in a 20-item express lane.

Next time somebody in a theater is annoying you, just get up and move your ass to another seat.

In this post: Einstein Award, dinner plans.

The Howdygram hasn’t presented an Einstein Award for a while so this one is definitely long overdue. Our story today is from the Sunshine State — of course — where a grumpy senior citizen named Curtis “Einstein” Reeves, age 71, killed a moviegoer and wounded a bystander with a .38 pistol in a theater in Tampa because the aforementioned moviegoer, Chad Oulson, had been texting during the coming attractions and then threw some popcorn after Reeves complained about him to theater management.

We’d love to water our lawn more often, except there isn’t any water.

In this post: Einstein Award, movie review, kvetch report.

Everybody’s a comedian. Enhanced Views Landscaping — the Einsteins who sprayed our yard for weeds yesterday morning when it was still dark outside — left their bill at the front door with succinct yet amusing lawn care instructions: “Water more often.”

More often? Seriously? ARE THEY DELUSIONAL? For the last three years we’ve been living in an exceptional drought with stage three water restrictions — just like everybody else in north Texas — which means we only get to water our lawn ONCE A WEEK, period. Where Howdygram headquarters is concerned, the city of Mesquite stipulates watering on Mondays before 10 a.m. ... and that’s all, folks. So “water more often” is like a sick joke. Trust me, we’d love to water more often, except there isn’t any water!

Chocolate marshmallow pumpkins!

In this post: A mail-order food orgy, fashions from hell, understanding the Second Amendment.

It’s another peculiar day at Howdygram headquarters. After being awake most of the night with electric shocks in my hands and feet (damn neuropathy) I succumbed to a luxurious two-hour nap commencing at noon followed by a late lunch that featured braunschweiger on low-carb toast and half a glass of sugar-free vanilla soy milk with an ice cube in it. So far so good, right?

Mazel tov. I just won my own Einstein Award.

In this post: Creatures in the night, a shopping spree, models on the runway.

Here’s a new twist, people. I get up at 5:15 this morning for a routine bathroom junket but don’t quite realize I’m in the middle of a low blood sugar episode when I squint down the hall in the dark (well, except for a night-light) and think I see a muskrat hiding under the area rug outside the laundry room door. (Actually, I’m guessing it’s either a muskrat or a very young hyena.) In a panic I manage to wake Sam and convince him to go on safari with me, but by the time we get halfway there I figure out that the rug is a bunched up and casting a lumpy shadow on the wall, so the whole stupid hoo-hah is just a pathetic hypoglycemic hallucination. Oy, right? Looks like I officially win my own Howdygram Einstein Award!

Don’t worry ... I’m safe and sound here at Howdygram headquarters.

In this post: Kvetch report, arming the blind in Iowa.

Can we talk?

First of all, call off the detectives. I know it’s been four days since my last post but I’m safe and sound here at Howdygram headquarters, eating pickles and raising hell. Well, sort of. I’ve had a few health issues again — actually, still — and they’re all related to diabetic autonomic neuropathy. After several days feeling like crap I finally sent an email to Dr. M yesterday afternoon to let her know what’s going on, and I’ll probably hear back from her shortly.

Once again we’re honoring the Lone Star State’s resident putz-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry.

In this post: Rick Perry does it again, dog stories.

I almost didn’t have a chance to write a Howdygram post tonight until Sam called from the office a few minutes ago to let me know he’ll be a couple of hours late getting home from work, probably sometime after midnight. Therefore, here I am. Lucky you!

First on my agenda is our latest Putz of the Week award, once again honoring the Lone Star State’s resident putz-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry, for encouraging the Texas National Guard to refuse to process requests from same-sex couples for spousal benefits despite the Pentagon’s explicit directive to do so. Texas was the only state that turned away gay and lesbian couples on Tuesday, the first working day that gays in the military were eligible to apply for benefits. Texas, again. What a shock.

Meet another terrified, hate-filled little jackass.

You know what? It’s been an awfully long time since the Howdygram’s last Einstein Award so I thought I’d feature anti-LGBT* hate-monger David R. Usher, who’s president of the Center for Marriage Policy (CMP), a division of Renew America PAC, a right-wing Einstein club.

In a frantic 37-paragraph column on Friday in Right Wing Watch, Usher warns that if same-sex marriage ever becomes legal in all 50 states lesbians will trick gay and straight men into fathering their children and turn them into economic slaves. The column was titled “Our Last Chance to Save Traditional Marriage.”

Usher describes a world in which women marry women but keep the fathers of their children around to “combine incomes, double-up on tax-free child support and welfare benefits ... and double the resources available to raise children and run their household,” managing, supposedly, to sponge off of a lesbian wife, a cohabitating boyfriend and the government all at the same time. With lesbians ruling the country, he says, “Men will be forced to labor for the economic benefit of marriages between women ... schools will be aggressively promoting lifestyles that kill or disable children and infect innocent women and babies with HIV.” He also believes that “to dismantle marriage – the most important equal rights institution framed by the Founding Fathers – is to dismantle the Constitution, freedom, and the United States of America.” Holy crap.

Usher is definitely one terrified, hate-filled little jackass, isn’t he? Technically I think he also qualifies to win our Putz of the Week award. Maybe next time, okay?

Sam is on his way to Costco as I write this post to pick up our new prescription glasses. He’s getting his very first pair — progressive bifcocals — and I’m getting the progressives Costco had to re-do because they screwed them up the first time around. We are both unnaturally excited about this and can’t wait to see our dinner tonight clearly for the very first time. Glorioski! Mongolian chicken, up close and personal!

I’d like to send a great big pile of Howdygram love to Sam’s sister Marian, who’s hospitalized in Seattle undergoing procedures to reinflate a collapsed lung. We think Marian’s been through more than enough and deserves to go home and be healthy for the rest of her life.

Thank you for reading this.

*LGBT = Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender. Information source: David Ferguson, RawStory.com.

If a Lou Malnati’s pizza doesn’t give you palpatations, there has to be something wrong with you.

I’ve been a little slow with Howdygram posts this week, but I’ve got two decent excuses: 1) a lack of motivation; and 2) laundry. I can’t exactly pinpoint the reason for item one, which tends to come and go depending on what’s on TV, but I can explain item two. On Saturday Sam is flying to Los Angeles to hang out with his relatives for eight days and I’ve been washing everything in sight so he’ll have a lot of clean socks. It’s a full life.

Although it’s been a long while since my last Einstein Award, I’m pretty damn sure I’ve got one for you today that makes up for lost time. Meet Nicole “Einstein”  Eastman, a recent high school graduate. She’s renting her first house with the “best roommates ever” — with friends like this, who needs enemies? — who apparently decide hey, cool, let’s all vault off the roof and land in the swimming pool!

The first two jumpers make it into the water but Einstein (in the pink bathing suit) freaks out at the last minute and SHATTERS BOTH FEET when she crashes onto the patio instead. A fourth, unseen halfwit films the event for posterity. (FYI, it’s a graphic video. Prepare yourself.)

In case you’re wondering where Nicole got her keen sense of maturity and judgment, it seems that her mother has come under fire for launching an outrageous GoFundMe page to solicit donations to help support her “disabled daughter,” since poor Nicole will be stuck in a wheelchair for up to a year, has no health insurance and needs help paying for rent and toiletries. Because even in a wheelchair, a girl with no job, no prospects and no common sense needs to condition her hair and continue living with her best friends. Seriously.

Another day, another weird and crappy movie! This time it’s Beast from Haunted Cave (1959), a horror dreckfest produced by Roger Corman and starring nobody you ever heard of. The pointless plot includes intoxicated idiots dancing to really bad music in a road house, stealing gold bars from a mining office and then a giant scary cobweb thing chasing them up and down a ski slope. I guess the cobweb is the beast from the haunted cave. While I hate to dispute the facts presented on the original movie poster shown below, there were no half-naked screaming young girls getting sucked into anything, and the cobweb was neither blood-starved nor from hell. It was just STUPID. The script wasn’t so hot, either.

The cast featured all of the following D-list actors. Michael Forrest was best-known for a part in a 1960s episode of “Star Trek.”

I ordered myself an unexpected treat this morning: TWO CRUSTLESS DEEP-DISH PIZZAS from Lou Malnati’s pizzeria in Chicago! Oh boy! Yee-haw! Holy crap! Yum! I didn’t know anything like this even existed! Lou Malnati’s uses a quarter-inch thick layer of really lean Italian sausage instead of a crust, which means these babies have no gluten, no flour and no carbs! Delivery is expected on Friday but I’m so excited I might have to sit on the front doorstep and wait for the UPS dude. (If the photo below doesn’t give you palpatations there has to be something wrong with you.)

While I ponder tonight’s dinner I think I’ll horse around for a while with my iPad. I downloaded a few new games this morning from Apple’s App Store, such as Bally’s Cash Wizard, which is an exact copy of the slot machine that Sam and I love at the Choctaw Casino. The only thing missing is the senior citizen’s buffet. (And the sugar-free pie.)

Thank you for reading this.

See what happens when Bubba gets himself a job?

Sam and I are recovering from a “lost weekend,” during which we found ourselves unconscious for extended periods of time in various rooms of the house. This involved sleeping, napping and dozing off, skipping meals, not watching a thunderstorm and forgetting to fold socks. And for no discernible reason whatsoever, I might add, other than we must have been pretty damn tired. Unfortunately, this resulted in missing a monumental once-in-a-lifetime event nearby in Garland on Sunday afternoon: THE OSCAR MAYER WIENERMOBILE.

I don’t know if Oscar Mayer still employs dwarfs as their Little Oscar mascot — can they still get away with that? — but he was definitely a well-loved little dude back in the 1950s. The wienermobile used to draw huge crowds. For the record, the original Little Oscar was Meinhardt Raabe, who also played the Munchkin coroner in “The Wizard of Oz.” He died in 2010 at the age of 94.

Hey, I’ve got another Einstein award, and it’s definitely a “first” for the Howdygram! This time we’re bestowing our honor on an entire institution — The Galveston National Laboratory at the University of Texas Medical Center — where a team of highly-trained Einsteins apparently lost one of five vials containing the deadly Guanarito virus from Venezuela.

The $174 million facility is designed with the strictest security measures imaginable to house the deadliest viruses in the United States. Yup. See what happens when Bubba gets himself a job? Other killer viruses stored at the laboratory include anthrax, Ebola and the plague. Dr. William Schaffner at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville offered a surprisingly glib apology for the error: “Fortunately, losing a vial of Guanarito is not as threatening as losing a vial of anthrax.”

Thanks, Einsteins. We’ll sleep better tonight knowing it can still get worse.

Our GE gas range (pictured below) was repaired this afternoon, and I’m happy to report that my kitchen is functioning again at maximum capacity. Thank God the technician was able to adjust the oven’s thermostat (total charge, $98) and did NOT have to replace the entire electronic sensor unit, which would have cost at least $395 more and involve dismantling the entire stove. If that were the case I’d probably just ask Sam for a new gas range altogether, since Conn’s and Best Buy always have nice GE ranges on sale for about $549 ... and next time I might even be able to get one with a convection oven. Holy crap!

Sam is extremely swamped at work tonight. It’s 10:45 p.m. and he just called — the first chance he’s had since he left the house at 1:15 this afternoon — to let me know he won’t be home until 1 a.m. This sucks for a number of reasons, but mainly because he should be sitting in the family room right now with a bag of trail mix watching Dial M for Murder starring Grace Kelly and Ray Milland.

I almost forgot to wish y’all a happy Passover! As soon as I finish this post I plan to launch a solo gefilte fish festival with a large quantity of horseradish. My agenda for tomorrow morning includes making matzo ball soup. Thank you for reading this.

Three Fairfax County Einsteins invent “gallon smashing.”

Saturdays are usually wonderful at Howdygram headquarters because we always go places and eat things. Today, however, has been just plain WEIRD. The weirdness started around 6:15 this morning when Sam woke me up to tell me it’s thundering, after which I muttered a heartfelt thankyou and we went back to sleep until 11 a.m. THAT’S NOT A TYPO. We slept until 11. Both of us!

Following a forgettable lunch at noon (I think I had two leftover biscuits and a Slim Jim) we immediately laid down in the family room and — go on, guess! — took an afternoon nap. Mine only lasted about an hour but Sam is still unconscious ... and it’s almost time for dinner! Frankly, I’m a little worried. Either he isn’t feeling well or he has some great drugs he hasn’t told me about.

Need more weirdness? Check out this video of a new fad conceived by a trio of deranged prep school Einsteins in snooty Fairfax County, Virginia. It’s called “gallon smashing,” and they got away with this terrifying horseshit at seven major supermarkets until local authorities finally caught up with them. The Einsteins considered it a “prank” but police completely disagreed and charged them with multiple counts of destruction of property and disorderly conduct. Take a look.



The useless brats in this video are a pair of teenage brothers and their cousin who used cell phones to film each other destroying gallon jugs of milk and orange juice, frightening customers and employees, and frequently pretending to be seriously injured. WTF? I can’t begin to describe how thankful I am that I never had children. Seriously.

I need Mongolian chicken and I need it NOW. Pass the soy sauce.

My stupid right hip and assorted other complaints.

I’m in PAIN. I haven’t moaned about this kind of crap for quite a while so please bear with me while I tell you more than you need to know.

Aside from aching knees, vanishing tastebuds, cramped-up fingers and a headache, the biggest issue at Howdygram headquarters this afternoon is MY STUPID RIGHT HIP. The hip joint feels like it wants to “pop” — but won’t — which means I can’t move my right leg, I can’t sit, I can’t stand, I can’t bend, I’m scared to put any weight on it (a nice dilemma when you’re home alone), tap dancing is out of the question and I’m not even comfortable on that gorgeous chaise in the family room with an afghan and the remote! Shortly before he left for the office Sam reminded me that stretching out flat on my back worked last time (this happened once before, about a month ago) so I might wind up in bed at some point today ... probably sooner rather than later. Can a person eat leftover Mongolian chicken lying down?

And now for our latest Einstein Award! Meet Brittni Colleps, 29, a former high school teacher from Kennedale, Texas, who was recently sentenced to five years in prison for 16 felony counts of engaging in group sex with several of her 18- and 19-year-old students. Colleps spoke out today, insisting that she’s actually the victim here — and not a sexual predator — because her playmates videotaped their orgies without her consent. Colleps remains in the Tarrant County Jail in Fort Worth waiting for her transfer to prison. The only sad part is, Miss Einstein has three small children and a husband serving in the military. What a genius. Holy crap.

Thank you for reading this. I think I’ll shlep myself into the bedroom for a while.

Kidneys, earthquakes and Einsteins in the news.

Hi, everybody. In the event you’ve been keeping up with Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland, I had my kidney ultrasound this morning at Baylor Hospital in Garland and it was mostly a routine and uneventful experience not counting the fact that an Einstein in Admitting incorrectly coded my diagnosis as “acute kidney failure” and scared the living crap out of me. The ultrasound itself actually took less than 20 minutes, and Sam and I were back home and on the sofa by 11 a.m. watching San Francisco with Clark Gable and Jeanette MacDonald. I’ll post the results of my test as soon as I know what’s what. In the meantime, a scan of my Baylor patient bracelet appears below.

Please allow me to recommend San Francisco in case you’re one of the few people who’ve never seen it. MGM really knew how to host an excellent earthquake, and the special effects for 1936 were absolutely amazing. My only complaint? Everybody who survived was a bloody, beat-up mess except for Jeanette MacDonald with her perfect ostrich feathers and lipstick. Only in Hollywood.

We’ve got a couple of extraordinary Einsteins in the news today courtesy of NBCNews. First, on Sunday night 44-year-old Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana, got all dressed up in a moss-covered military “ghillie” outfit (see below) and ran into traffic so somebody would call state troopers to report a Sasquatch sighting. Tenley’s plan backfired a little, however, as he was immediately struck by two vehicles and killed. The drivers, both girls, were 15 and 17 years old.

Second, also in the news is the story of a German track and field official, Mr. Dieter “Einstein” Strack, who died Monday after being struck and killed by a flying pointy javelin during a teen competition in Dusseldorf. Mr. Strack apparently believed he could measure the distance of a throw before the javelin actually touched the ground and wound up directly underneath it, resulting in a gruesome accident whereby the 16-year-old javelin thrower collapsed in shock and many of the 800 spectators will be in therapy for the rest of their lives. HOLY CRAP.

Sam will be home from work soon. Please send an email if you’d like to join us for ice cream sandwiches and tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” Thank you for reading this.

A trio of summertime Einstein awards for your possible amusement.

Einstein Award #1. According to an article today on a local news website, a Dallas woman named Jody Einstein wants to warn other shoppers after her purse was stolen in a Tom Thumb parking lot on Sunday. Miss Einstein left her purse on the front seat of her unlocked car while she wheeled a shopping cart back to the store and — in a daring and unexpected criminal endeavor — an observant local yahoo with an SUV snatched the purse and drove away. In her statement to the police, Jody said “it’s very disturbing to know you’re being watched that closely.” Frankly, I think it’s more disturbing that she can’t grasp the stupidity of leaving her purse in an unlocked car.

Einstein Award #2. I just received an email advertisement for a whatnot called the “iBGStar®,” a complicated little electronic doodad for wealthy diabetics that helps you record blood sugar numbers and insulin doses and — in the technology breakthrough of the year — PLUGS INTO YOUR iPHONE. Their slogan? “With iBGStar® your diabetes data goes wherever your mobile device goes.” Seriously, what the hell for? Is diabetes the next big thing in social networking? Are we supposed to tweet this stupid crap to everybody we know? The point of this overpriced yet meaningless device thoroughly escapes me, since diabetics in-the-know, like yours truly, can already get an electronic glucose meter FREE from a physician.

The Howdygram would like to express its thanks to the Einsteins at Sanofi Diabetes for another meaningless scientific innovation. They’re going to find out pretty quickly that diabetics aren’t “tech-savvy” … we’re crabby. Why the hell can’t somebody put this much money and effort into finding a CURE? (An image of the iBGStar® plug-in appears above. Personally, I think it looks like a teeny little rear-view mirror.)

Einstein Award #3. In a seriously lame effort to make its products fun and interesting, the marketing Einsteins at FiltersFast.com, a sleep-inducing website that sells filters in every conceivable brand and size for your furnace, humidifier, swimming pool, washing machine, coffee pot and icemaker, has introduced a new video advertising campaign starring “Béarnard,” a non-animated stuffed bear propped up in a chair who talks about filters without moving his mouth. Mazel tov to FiltersFast.com for a real winner.



A movie and an afternoon nap would be swell right about now. I’m awfully glad you dropped in today. Next time bring a coffee cake.