Okay, I admit it. This time Weather.com finally got it right ... and that’s why I couldn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday! Although our monster storm system didn’t get underway until 8 last night — more than 12 hours later than the original forecast — wild afternoon winds gusting to 50 m.p.h. knocked out our electrical power and left us in the dark from 6 p.m. until maybe half an hour ago. What a night. I was here by myself with nothing to do except eat a can of fake meat with hot glass of Coke Zero in a room illuminated by two flameless candles and a flashlight and then take a nap on the chaise in the family room. Sam got home from work at 10:30.
Here’s our current weather map. We’ve already had 4¾ inches of rain and expect at least two more before this all ends today around noon. The pink star below denotes Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. If you zoom in, I’m the one in the window with a box of TicTacs and a blue bathrobe. (Sam is still in bed or he’d be waving at you, too.)
Right now I think I’ll pour myself a nice tall Marcy-tini if we still have any ice cubes and then maybe go back to bed for a while. It’s thundering like crazy and thunder always sounds better in bed.
Hi, y’all. It’s the wee hours of Monday morning and I haven’t been to bed yet, a situation most likely caused by two thoroughly ridiculous Sunday naps. (One lasted almost four hours.)
There’s a breaking news story on ABC’s website right now about an auction of “rare” Marilyn Monroe pictures. Come on, how rare can these stupid things be after all this time? Just about every month somebody discovers another stack of rare Marilyn Monroe pictures in a dead director’s basement, making her the most over-exposed deceased actress EVER. Here’s one of Marilyn’s latest, where she’s posing in a never-before-seen bed with a rare glass of milk. Holy crap, people. Can we be done with this obsession already?
The entertainment world is reeling tonight after Ashley Olsen, 25, has announced her decision to quit acting and focus on the fashion empire she’s created with her twin sister Mary-Kate. Aside from the fact that I don’t think Ashley has had a speaking role on television since she was three years old, the bigger revelation is that she considers herself fashionable.
The Olsen twins, pictured above, are in fact a pair of GRIMY BAG LADIES frequently photographed shlepping around Manhatttan with dirty hair, chewed-off nail polish and clothes they’ve pulled from the dumpster behind Goodwill. Is this fashion? Seriously?
On March 2 Frito-Lay will launch their latest line of chips — “Doritos Jacked” — because we can never get enough greasy crap in our diets. The new Doritos are 40 percent thicker than regular Doritos (why?) and will be available in two new flavors: Enchilada Supreme and Smoky Chipotle BBQ. At last! A thicker, crunchier path to obesity!
I saw a news story a little while ago that I had to read twice because it genuinely freaked me out. Apparently a nutjob pastor named Richard Geringswald (see right) of Polk County, Florida, and his faithful flock of nutjob haters have anointed a highway leading into town with olive oil in order to “call out the angels to check every car that enters the county to make sure they’re Christian, and if they’re NOT Christian they would either have to follow Christian beliefs or get put in jail.” A group of atheists washed the highway to make a statement for tolerance, after which the aforementioned nutjob haters buried bricks engraved with Psalm 37:9-11 alongside the 12 major roads that enter the county and held a public prayer vigil. The atheists and nutjobs are also investing in dueling billboards, which is certainly a sensible way to spend large sums of money on something really stupid. Hey, is America fun, or what?
It’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m not tired enough yet to go to bed. To amuse myself in the meantime I’ve been checking Weather.com every half-hour to watch for their predicted storm system to show up on radar. So far there’s nothing whatsoever in the vicinity even though they’re promising a 95% chance of huge thunderstorms by 7 a.m. Here’s the scoop.
I won’t believe any of this Weather Channel baloney until it actually GETS HERE, so stay tuned for additional updates and thank you for reading this.
They’re at it again. Weather.com is taking yet another stab at predicting scary weather for the Dallas area. This time it’s supposed to happen tomorrow — Auntie Em! — a 90% chance of thunderstorms with egg-size hail (extra large or jumbo?), 65 m.p.h. wind, flooding rain and a couple of possible tornadoes. Our current forecast map appears below.
Don’t believe it. They’ve predicted this identical scenario so many times — with no results whatsoever — that it’s turned into a standing joke around here.
In the dictionary meteorology is defined as “the branch of science concerned with the processes and phenomena of the atmosphere, especially as a means of forecasting the weather.” Fat chance, pal. Meteorology isn’t science, it’s SCIENCE FICTION.
Know what? I’m starting to get excited about that freeze-dried hamburger I ordered a few hours ago from Shelf Reliance (see post) and just decided that my first culinary effort will be sloppy Joes since I’ve got a can of Manwich somewhere in the back of the pantry. Do you think I’m supposed to use freeze-dried buns with this? (I don’t have any.)
I think I’ll go back to bed. Thanks for stopping by.
Holy crap. I think I accidentally just got myself involved in something weird. I went back to the website (Shelf Reliance) where I bought that can organizer yesterday for our pantry and discovered they also sell their own line of mysterious DEHYDRATED FOOD, such as freeze-dried veggies, freeze-dried ground beef, freeze-dried grains, eggs, milk, fruit and God knows what else ... all with “shelf life stability” into the next millennium. I got slightly carried away and ordered small cans of freeze-dried ground beef and freeze-dried chopped onions. I have no idea what I’m going to do with this stuff, but it’s a cheap adventure and I’ve been known to eat damn near anything. Loma Linda fake meat, for instance.
However, all of sudden I’m thinking — oy — what if these people are a bunch of SURVIVALISTS? You know, wackos who sit around waiting for Armageddon? The whole website has a panicky undertone with articles about: 1) do you know your children spend 25% of their lives away from home; 2) why you should pay off your debts; and 3) how to freak out your friends and loved ones with frightening instructions whenever they go to the mall without you. I have no idea how any of this relates to dehydrated asparagus, but if you get sucked in by it all you might be an excellent candidate for Thrive’s “business opportunity.” It’s probably like hosting Tupperware parties except everybody wears a helmet.
Stay tuned for more details and thank you for reading this.
I have to admit, this was probably the best St. Patrick’s Day EVER. We had lunch at Hong Kong Royal, enjoyed an extended nap as soon as we got home, and then Sam and I spent the afternoon hanging out on our patio because the weather was perfect (75°, mostly cloudy and NO BUGS). But wait, there’s more! This afternoon I reordered another dozen cans of Loma Linda faux “Swiss Stake” from Amazon, two big boxes of Equal from Walmart— only five bucks each! — and a dozen jars of sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles from Buy the Case, an exceptionally cool website where everything is — take a guess — sold only by the case! Their prices are good, shipping is cheap and there’s no sales tax. A double yee-haw for cheap shipping and no sales tax!
I also ordered a pantry organizer from Shelf Reliance that was half the price of a similar product on Amazon and has lots of great user reviews. Apparently this thing is HUGE, which means I’ll finally be able to straighten out all my cans of diced tomatoes and fake meat. (I have a lot of fake meat.)
And now I think I’ll make myself a gigantic mug of sugar-free hot chocolate and shlep Sam into the family room to watch a movie with me. (He’s playing Texas Hold ’em on PokerStars.net.) Come on over if you have nothing else to do, okay? We’re planning to watch Virginia City with Errol Flynn, Randolph Scott, Miriam Hopkins and Humphrey Bogart, who’s a Mexican bandit with an accent so atrocious he actually sounds French. (Bogart’s mustache isn’t too exciting, either.)
Sam and I would like to wish all Howdygram readers a joyous St. Patrick’s Day. We’re planning our own official celebration later today with lunch at Hong Kong Royal — dim sum! — and a nice long drive that might include a trip to the Choctaw Casino if I can talk Sam into it. This is the best we can do considering we don’t drink beer and there’s no parade for Irish cowboys in Mesquite. Also we’re Jewish, which means Chinese food and slot machines are perfect for all occasions.
Hello from north Texas, where the skies are gray, the air is warm (78°) and somebody’s getting rain ... but it’s just not us.Weather.com is teasing us with thunderstorms for the next several days — severe storms on Monday — but trust me, I’ve lived here almost five years and they blow it every chance they get. Our five-day forecast appears below. Don’t believe it. The fine people of Dallas should go ahead with their outdoor weddings and golf tournaments.
Get ready to vomit shamrocks! To help the world honor St. Patrick, the patron saint of drunks and parades, Burger King is giving away FREE FRIES WITH GREEN KETCHUP — no purchase necessary! — on March 17 and 18, after which you should drive straight over to McDonald’s to wash them down with a minty green shake. Except you have to pay for the shake since McDonald’s apparently doesn’t give a crap about holy days.
Here’s some breaking financial news. Always a model of fiscal responsibility, I called AT&T yesterday afternoon to cut back on our U-Verse cable service. Last year they offered me a juicy 12-month discount when I signed us up for their bloated “450” plan with every channel ever invented including Bulgarian Classics, The Hopscotch Network and Korean high school wrestling. To avoid being billed an extra $48 a month starting tomorrow I switched us to the “350” plan, whereby we get to keep basic, expanded basic, premium basic, all the high-definition channels plus Encore, HBO and Cinemax ... all for less money. Glorioski! Pass the chips!
And now for the latest hogwash from presidential candidate Rick Santorum, the GOP’s official Stormtrooper-in-Chief, whose latest crusade is to ban pornography in the United States. This would include everything available to the general public that doesn’t meet his personal standard for decency, such as “Playboy” and possibly even “Top Chef,” where a couple of contestants were taped flirting with each other during season eight. Santorum says, “As a parent I am concerned about the widespread distribution of illegal obscene pornography and its profound effects on our culture. The Obama Department of Justice seems to favor pornographers over children and families. That will change under a Santorum Administration.” Obama favors pornographers? Seriously?
Excuse me, Field Marshal Santorum, but have you read the first amendment lately? Ordinary pornography is not illegal ... and it’s also not especially widespread. I don’t know where you shop, Rick, but I walk into plenty of stores and businesses and have never yet been bombarded with copies of “Anal Weekly” or “American Orgasm.”
Santorum clearly wants to ban everything that offends him. Using that logic, I want to ban HIM. Actually, I’m surprised he’s found time to worry about porn considering his busy schedule condemning college educations, premarital sex, Puerto Ricans for speaking Spanish and radical, fallen women who work outside the home and take birth control pills. Please promise me you’re NOT going to vote for this idiot.
I’ve been trying to decide what’s for dinner tonight. The options here are endless, such as: 1) potato pancakes; 2) a toasted bagel with baloney and Vlasic bread & butter pickles; 3) fake meat in a can; or 4) call China City. At the moment I’m leaning towards #4 but the others all sound awfully damn wonderful, too. Please send an email ASAP if you’d like to cast your vote. Thank you.
Once again it’s an honor to report that Sam has saved my life. He does this regularly, every time I’ve got a crisis and he jumps in like a tall but spindly super-hero minus the cape and tights. (Damn, he’d look great in tights.) Around 9:45 last night I called Sam at work to tell him: 1) the shower faucet handle in the master bath was disconnected and I couldn’t figure out how to snap it back where it belonged; and 2) while I was eating dinner a Schwan’s popcorn shrimp rolled off my plate, landed momentarily on my right foot and then ricocheted under the sectional sofa in the family room. A masterful troubleshooter, Super Sam fixed the shower handle and retrieved my rapscallion shrimp less than 10 minutes after he got home from work. We celebrated with mozzarella sticks and watched Up the River starring Humphrey Bogart and Spencer Tracy.
Shortly before the events of paragraph one, around the same time that renegade shrimp took a nosedive under the furniture, I had an out-of-body experience with a PBS all-star music special co-hosted last year by Peter Noone and Davy Jones (who just died). While Davy is singing his first number — “Daydream Believer” — the camera pans around the audience and I’m thinking, are they taping this in a senior center? Who the hell are all these old people and why do they know the words?
And then it hit me. Holy crap, THEY’RE MY AGE. They’re all sixtysomething GRANDPARENTS with gray hair and high blood pressure! Noone (64) and Jones (65) looked AMAZING, although nice teeth and money probably have a lot to do with that.
I recorded the program and plan to watch the rest after Sam leaves for work today. A bizarre number by Paul Revere and the Raiders — five jumping geriatrics still in costume after 50 years — sort of pushed him over the edge so I promised to change the channel.
In other news, I’m expecting a number of exciting FedEx deliveries this afternoon, including the sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles from Walmart that should have been here YESTERDAY. (I will probably eat the entire jar for dinner. I love those things.)
One final thought before I go back to bed. Maybe somebody can explain why the GOP presidential candidates are so obsessed with sex and birth control, because I don’t understand it. Yesterday Mitt Romney announced, “Planned Parenthood? We’ll get rid of that.” Frankly, I’d rather get rid of YOU, Mitt, and the entire field of nasty, frustrated Republican nutjobs. GET THEM OFF THE PUBLIC STAGE. A woman’s reproductive system is none of their damn business and I’m fed up with their degrading rants. Seriously.
Have a nice day and thank you for putting up with me.
Holy crap. I just finished watching Rod Blagojevich’s live farewell address to the troops on MSNBC.com, broadcast from the sidewalk in front of his house in Chicago. It’s pretty hard to believe at this late date — he reports to federal prison tomorrow to begin a 14-year sentence — that Blago still has NO CLUE what he did wrong. His speech was a delusional train wreck that I couldn’t stop watching.
To condense 18 minutes of bullshit (I was actually typing as he spoke) into one neatly-written paragraph, ex-Governor Blowhard said his biggest mistake was “not being humble enough” (seriously? that’s it?) but he always “did the right thing for Illinois” and “the people know the truth.” He boasted about his one accomplishment — free city bus rides for seniors — and still insists he never knew that racketeering, bribery, fraud and conspiracy were illegal because it was all “just politics.” “In the end,” he said, “I was on the right side of the law but the jury thought a line was crossed,” their “decision went against” him, and now he’s stuck “paying a price for trying so hard for the people of Illinois.” His final thought to the crowd on Ravenswood Avenue? “Right makes might.” (What the hell. Now he thinks he’s King Arthur.)
In an effort to immortalize this unapologetic egomaniac one last time, please feel free to clip and save the following mask, suitable for Halloween or target practice. Even better, line your litter box with my compliments.
A sad final thought. The sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles I was expecting this afternoon won’t actually be delivered until TOMORROW, which means I might have to blow my brains out. Okay not really, but my plans for dinner are definitely ruined. I was counting on baloney and American cheese on white bread with pickles and chocolate milk!
Please send an email if you’d like to suggest an alternate menu. Thank you for being my friend.
This is a VERY BIG DAY, Howdygramsters, and I think you should circle it in red on your calendars, because loudmouth Rod Blagojevich, the disgraced former governor of Illinois, is heading to federal prison in Colorado to begin a 14-year sentence for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud. Yee-haw! I’m planning a farewell party at Howdygram headquarters today at 3 p.m. if you’d like to drop by with a couple of friends. (I’ll be serving baloney.)
As part of my day-long schedule of festivities, which includes folding bath towels, waxing my eyebrows and watching 20,000 Years in Sing-Sing starring Spencer Tracy, I just snagged an additional load of thrilling bargains from Amazon.com. Specifically, I ordered a 12-can case of Hunt’s diced tomatoes and a box of needles for my injectable diabetes medication. Both will arrive on Friday.
And now for something completely different! I’m pleased to present a selection of exceptionally stupid official state slogans for your possible interest ... including a private critique by the Howdygram editorial board (translation: me).
West Virginia: “Open for Business.” Like a convenience store!
Texas: “It’s Like A Whole Other Country.” Or planet.
Missouri: “The Cave State.” Populated by fine cave men and women.
Massachusetts: “Make It Yours.” If I do, can it be re-gifted?
Idaho: “Famous Potatoes.” This one’s just sad. Let’s all go to Taterland.
Maryland: “America In Miniature.” Just don’t step on the state capitol.
Connecticut: “We’re Full of Surprises.” That not all, pal.
Maine: “It Must Be Maine.” Not necessarily. It might be Florida.
Louisiana: “Come As You Are. Leave Different.” This scares me.
Iowa: “Life Changing.” Welcome to the Menopause State.
I guess it’s time for lunch because Sam just got home from Tom Thumb with a bunch of food, such as pepper jack cheese, vanilla wafers, frozen stew vegetables and a large bottle of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray. Thank y’all for reading this. Come again.
Good morning, boys and girls. Welcome to Howdygramland! The big news story today? I just ordered myself a brand new laundry sorter from Amazon.com after discovering last night that the canvas fabric on my old one — which I bought about 15 months ago (see post) — is ripping apart at the seams and shredding practically everywhere else. Horrors! So I did some online research, read two or three hundred product reviews and chose the following top-of-the-line appliance by Seville Classics for four excellent reasons: 1) it’s big; 2) everybody loves it; 3) it has a clothes bar that slides up to hang shirts; and 4) the laundry bags hook onto the cart separately so you can lift them up to dump everything into the washer. Plus, the manufacturer’s website sells replacement hanging bags for only $5.99, just in case.
Come on, admit it. Is this thing gorgeous, or what?
I just got a call from Sam with the grisly news that he’s spending all night at work and probably won’t be home until 5 a.m. I have no idea whatsoever how I’ll spend the rest of my evening, although laundry and ice cream come to mind. I also have to place my biweekly Schwan’s order because God forbid we should run out of mozzarella sticks around here.
This week I’m also ordering Schwan’s popcorn shrimp, a sack of mixed veggies and a box of tasty and attractive Italian melt oven-baked sandwiches. All are pictured below for your possible interest.
Holy crapola. I just realized that I’ve reached a Howdygram milestone by writing FOUR POSTS today. Four! This means I’m either exceptionally prolific or boring beyond all rational comprehension. (Maybe both.) Regardless, I guess it’s time to throw in my first load of laundry and move on. Please plan on a sock-folding party tomorrow night at 8 if you have nothing else to do.
It’s me again, boys and girls, with some GOOD NEWS. Apparently my new client is delirious with joy over the website I designed for his bakery in South Carolina. He’s been sending nonstop “OMG! I LOVE THIS!” emails since early afternoon, apparently a clear indication that I figured out what he wanted. Therefore I thought I’d post a scaled-down version of his website design for your possible interest. We’ll start adding page content tomorrow, and as soon as the site is published I’ll post a link. Everybody please stay tuned.
Further to my previous post I’ve discovered even more photos of teeny food to share with you, all created by Einstein food artist Jessica Hlavac. I think I’m most impressed with the teeny pot stickers and the teeny pancakes. Smaller than a BLUEBERRY? Seriously?
For some reason all this teeny crap makes me want to play with Barbie dolls again ... but ONLY if I could find one exactly like my first in 1962. Mine looked like the Barbie pictured at right except with platinum blonde hair and hot pink lipstick. I got her when I was in fourth grade and played Barbie after school at Sandy Fineberg’s house. Sandy and I also ate a lot of Maurice Lenell cookies, which basically sucked except for Almonettes, the one variety that didn’t taste like corrugated cardboard. For the record, Maurice Lenell cookies were manufactured and distributed only in Chicago. (I can’t believe they’re still in business.)
In case you’re wondering, I didn’t especially like playing Barbie at home with my little sister because she was always hiding Barbie’s shoes in empty JuJuBe boxes.
And finally, let’s all shout out a rousing “MAZEL TOV” to Takeru Kobayashi, who ate 13 grilled sandwiches in 60 seconds yesterday at the South by Southwest Interactive Conference in Austin, Texas. Yes, that’s a new world’s record. I watched the video of this event (until my stomach turned) and the crazy dude actually SWALLOWED ALL 13 SANDWICHES WHOLE. Kobayashi is also well-known for gorging himself with Nathan’s hotdogs and was the undefeated champion — 53½ hotdogs in 10 minutes — for six consecutive years. Holy crap.
It’s almost 8 p.m. and I haven’t given much thought to dinner yet. Since I’m both extremely hungry and extremely lazy I’ll probably just grab a can of Loma Linda fake meat and throw a party for one in front of the TV. I’ve got a nice assortment of Clifton Webb movies recorded — Sitting Pretty, The Razor’s Edge and Stars and Stripes Forever — plus today’s episode of “People’s Court.” I love my life. Thank you for reading this.
Hello and good morning from north Texas, where we’re expecting 80° with sunshine and lots of mosquitoes. To celebrate spring the Howdygram is offering our very first double-whammy Einstein Award.
From our Why Would Anybody Do This department we’re pleased to unveil the WORLD’S TEENIEST RAINBOW WEDDING CAKE which, as you’ll see, is barely more than an inch in diameter. Also pictured below for your possible interest are the world’s teeniest meatball sub (don’t you love those little pieces of cheese?) and the world’s teeniest sushi ... all created by Jessica Hlavac, food artist and Einstein extraordinaire.
Personally, I think it’s a scam. I’ll bet Hlavac had somebody make her a 10-inch dinner plate that looks like a quarter.
And now for something completely different: Vaportrim®, the diet world’s answer to food cravings in the form of “synthesized aromas that curb your hunger.” These are inhalers scented to smell like dessert, so the next time you crave something sweet you can spend $9.95 for the opportunity to inhale blueberry muffins, apple pie or strawberry shortcake. (At least you don’t have to brush your teeth afterwards.)
Too bad Vaportrim never considered my favorite cravings, such as baloney on white bread, Mongolian chicken or grilled American cheese with six green olives. Holy crap, what a bunch of Einsteins.
Sam will be home momentarily from getting a haircut and a quick junket to Walmart, at which time we’ll eat mozzarella sticks for lunch and watch a nice movie. Thank you for reading this.
Before I leap into the subject at hand, this is what happens around here when I get a craving for something sweet in the middle of the night and there’s no more sugar-free pie. I start horsing around on Walmart’s website and place an order for the following awesome products:
A couple of details I’d like to mention: 1) Smucker’s sugar-free caramel topping is fat-free, too; and 2) I never knew until 15 minutes ago that Vlasic makes sugar-free bread & butter pickles. I love these stupid things and I’m so excited I can hardly breathe. YEE-HAW! As soon as everything is delivered on Wednesday I’m immedately going to eat peanut butter with raspberry preserves for lunch and baloney on white bread for dinner with a pile of Vlasic pickles.
Holy crap. Fine dining!
You may have seen the news recently that Dick Van Dyke, age 86, married a spunky 40-year-old makeup artist named Arlene Silver in Malibu on February 29. I totally get it that Van Dyke wants companionship. What I don’t get is why Arlene wants to see him naked.
And finally, here’s the latest scoop from the International Home and Housewares Show currently underway at McCormick Place in Chicago. The hot new products of 2012 include: 1) fancy slip-on covers called Garbage Pantz in a variety of exciting patterns that will dress up your outdoor trash cans; 2) overpriced Kitchen Aid appliances in idiotic colors when white no longer performs to your satisfaction; 3) Teflon-coated Toast Bags for sliced bread in case you’re sick of cleaning the crumb tray in your toaster (you’re supposed to clean the crumb tray?); and 4) Mighty Mugs that will never tip over unless Junior decides to drop-kick one across the kitchen.
And now I think I’ll forage for leftovers, pour myself a nice tall Marcy-tini and read my Clifton Webb autobiography for a while. If you like books by deceased actors, this one is really a gem.
Sam and I have enjoyed a nice, quiet, rainy day here at Howdygram headquarters. After a number of luxurious naps and excellent entertainment — The Three Stooges Meet Hercules, Meet Boston Blackie and Family Affair (the first Andy Hardy movie) — we carried out dinner from Dickey’s and watched Game Change on HBO. I’m pleased to report that the latter accurately depicted Arctic bimbo Sarah Palin in all her illiterate, self-absorbed glory.
And now I’ve got so many additional topics lined up that I almost don’t know where to start, such as tidbits of breaking news and items of urgent interest. Well, to me, anyway. So let’s get started!
From our Holy Crap, It’s About Time department, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich will finally report to Federal prison this week to begin serving a 14-year sentence for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud. Apparently he’s promising a “farewell address” before he gets the hell out of Dodge, which the citizens of Illinois hope will include a much-deserved apology. There’s not much chance of this, however, since his loudmouth wife, Mrs. Sourpuss Blago, is still insisting he’s INNOCENT, so we’re expecting Blagojevich to continue the defiant recitations of Rudyard Kipling poetry that began before his first trial and his ongoing rant about “the law went after me only because I was fighting the crooks in a crooked system.” Plus a reminder that he gave free bus rides to seniors.
Blagojevich is a greedy, disgraced laughingstock who served himself instead of the people of Illinois, tried to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder and exchanged personal and legislative favors for mountains of cash and campaign contributions. I, for one, look forward to seeing this jerk model Esquire’s chic new “penitentiary” look, which is pictured below.
Here’s a Howdygram public service announcement for your possible interest. An ABC News investigation has uncovered that BLBT — better-known as “boneless lean beef trimmings” or “pink slime” — is NOT mixed into ground beef sold at the following supermarket chains: HEB (Central Market), Whole Foods, Costco and Kroger. Safeway’s stores use it —locally, that would be Tom Thumb — and Walmart hasn’t responded, which probably means they do, too.
In case you haven’t been following this story, pink slime looks like frozen little strings of Play-Doh and doesn’t resemble real meat in any way whatsoever. Before Beef Products, Inc. found a way to disinfect low-grade, mostly inedible beef trimmings with ammonia it was sold only to dog food or cooking oil suppliers. The USDA says it’s safe for humans but there’s no way I will EVER buy meat at any market that sneaks this repulsive crap into its ground beef. The Great Marcy has spoken!
Robert Temple Ayres, artist and creator of the original Ponderosa map from the “Bonanza” TV series, died yesterday at age 89. I seriously don’t understand why anybody was actually keeping track of this dude or the map he painted back in 1959, but “Bonanza” was intensely popular … even after Pernell Roberts walked out in 1965. Pictured below is the aforementioned Ponderosa map plus a photo of the Cartwrights. From left to right, they are Adam (Pernell Roberts), Little Joe (Michael Landon), Pa (Lorne Greene), Hoss (Dan Blocker) and Wavin’ Sam, the friendly cowhand.
Other series regulars included Sheriff Roy Coffee and houseboy Hop Sing.
In other mid-century television news, you may be interested to know that comedian Larry Storch is still alive and well at 89 years of age.
Storch is probably best known for his role as Corporal Agarn in the 1960s comedy “F Troop,” which was always one of my personal favorites at that time along with “The Monkees,” “Batman” and “The Andy Griffith Show.” “F Troop” also starred Forrest Tucker as Sergeant O’Rourke, Ken Berry as Captain Parmenter and assorted Jewish comics from the Catskills as the Hekawi Indians. (I’m serious.) A video clip of the opening theme from “F Troop” appears below.
And now, at last, it’s time for a late snack and another movie! Thanks for stopping by and please don’t forget to set your clocks ahead one hour before you go to bed. Adios, shalom and I’ll see y’all tomorrow.
I’m Marcy, the shorter half of Sam and Marcy, a couple of happily married former Californians living it up in the Lone Star State. Comments, cash and email are welcome at all times. Please don’t forget to floss.
