Thursday, October 31, 2013

Yes, friends, I’m one of “those people.” I don’t answer the door for trick-or-treaters.

In this post: Still Halloween, a birthday wish-list.

In Texas, “above average” is a five-star sushi review.

In this post: Happy Halloween, goodies from Costco, the drought goes on.

First, happy Halloween. Second, Sam is on his way to Costco as I write this post. Today’s list includes practically all of our regular favorites, such as: 1) an industrial-size package of surprisingly excellent lox; 2) sushi; 3) two kinds of sliced cheese; 4) breakfast burritos; and 5) two extra-large sacks of chocolate chip Brownie Brittle so Sam can bring one to work today for Halloween. Incidentally, Costco’s sushi is definitely above average, but please remember that I live in Texas and “above average” is a five-star sushi review here.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Seriously, nobody else sells wasabi lip balm.

In this post: Sweets for Sam, great gifts from Archie McFee.

As a quick update to my last post, Sam finally got home this morning at 8:15 after 18 consecutive hours at the office. He was in surprisingly good spirits — the project apparently went well — but holy crap, nobody gets paid enough to work hours like that! Sam slept on and off until 2:30 this afternoon, ate some leftover pizza, showered and went back to work around 3:30. As a bonus the big Halloween surprise I ordered for him on Amazon showed up via FedEx about half an hour before he left ... TWO BAGS OF BRACH’S FALL FLAVORS CARAMEL CANDY CORN. Sugar solves everything.

Worship at the Church of the Giant Weenie.

In this post: Weenie worship, more slave labor.

Mazel tov to the Christian Science Society of Dixon, Illinois, who built a church that looks like a great big phallus with testicles when viewed by Google Earth from outer space. I’ll bet it wasn’t intentional but it’s definitely outrageously adorable. Holy crap, right?

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich if you’ll screw in a light bulb for me.

In this post: Slave labor, fashion and fragrance, living in the dark.

Sam just called to tell me he’s working late tonight. In official “Samspeak,” however, this means he’ll be in the office ALL NIGHT LONG (and all by himself) until first shift comes in at 7 a.m. To drown my disappointment I decided to buy the following cute charcoal gray wool poncho because my birthday is Friday and I’m figuring ... what the hell, why not?

Murder and mayhem in Terrell, Texas.

In this post: First aid, a preponderance of socks, murder and mayhem.

Here’s something I’ll bet you didn’t know about me: I LOVE TEENY BAND-AIDS. You know, the ones that are no bigger than a return address label. They’re always the last Band-Aids left in the box because nobody can ever figure out what the hell to use them for, but I think you should hang onto them forever in case you get a microscopic injury such as a hangnail or small-calibre gunshot wound. This has been a Howdygram public service announcement. (You can thank me later.)

We’re doing a caffeine-fueled happy dance this morning at Howdygram headquarters.

In this post: Cheap caffeine, Sam has a toothache.

It’s 9 a.m. Tuesday and Sam is on his way to the dentist. First, however, he has to stop at Wal-Mart because I’m running low on Coke Zero — holy crap and God forbid — and he needs one can of Folgers to tide him over until our gigantic coffee order arrives on Thursday from Amazon. In case you’re interested, about half an hour ago I bought 12 cans of Folgers Hazelnut (Sam’s favorite) for only $58, and that’s MIGHTY DAMN CHEAP, people. We’re doing a caffeine-fueled happy dance this morning at Howdygram headquarters!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Go suck tumbleweeds, Governor Perry.

In this post: Victory for women, a Halloween surprise, hating my clients.

I’ve got some damn exciting news to share with y’all. A Federal judge has struck down Texas’ draconian new abortion law that would have closed nearly every abortion clinic in the state. It was supposed to take effect tomorrow but U.S. District Judge Lee Yeakel ultimately decided that Texas could not place unreasonable new restrictions on doctors performing abortions or throw additional obstacles in the path of women seeking abortion services. I have only one comment for Governor Perry: YEE-HAW AND GO SUCK TUMBLEWEEDS, YOU MISERABLE MISOGYNIST!

Boris Karloff was a well-dressed Hollywood hunk.

In this post: Insomnia, dense fog, horror movies.

I tried to go to bed at a couple of hours ago — around 1:30, I think — but when I couldn’t fall asleep I decided to get up and horse around with the Howdygram. So here I am again, annoying you in the middle of the night. Try to move on, okay?

Sunday, October 27, 2013

NorthPark Center is the biggest hoo-hah in Dallas for high-end shopping.

In this post: Not going out, not staying awake, not watching the Cowboys game.

We almost went someplace today until I changed my mind at the last minute. For the last couple of days Sam and I had tossed around a few ideas about an outing to snooty NorthPark Center in Dallas — I haven’t been to a mall in years! — with lunch at P.F. Chang’s near the south entrance. This could have worked out beautifully if I hadn’t accidentally slept until 11:30, thereby destroying any feasible opportunity to find a parking spot and get seated in the restaurant in advance of the Southern Baptist after-church horde. In other words, I really screwed us up.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Please don’t get too close. I’m not wearing a brassiere.

In this post: Adventures in snacking, an epic nap, wayward thunderstorms.

It’s very late Saturday afternoon and I just woke up from an unexpected nap of truly epic proportions. For instance, shortly after lunch I decided to put my feet up for a few minutes (famous last words) but remained unconscious for nearly THREE HOURS while Sam roamed through the house doing God knows what. At the moment I’m feeling pretty damn good but slightly hungry, the latter of which I’ll address momentarily with some low-carb Lowrey’s microwave pork rinds and a can of my new Cheap Generic Jalapeño Cheese Dip from These are pictured below for your possible interest.

Appreciating the hidden dangers of cheap canned meat.

In this post: Amateur surgery.

Hi, people. It’s 5:30 a.m. and I’m wide awake for no apparent reason. I got up about 40 minutes ago for a middle-of-the-night wee-wee and decided I was having way too much fun to go back to bed. Actually, I think my blood sugar might be low, but since I’m still conscious and typing let’s all try not to panic.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Note to Congressman Pete Sessions: Next election I look forward to ending your obvious misery.

In this post: Birthday clubs, casino scooters, vindictive old white men.

This, dear friends, is always my favorite time of year. Because I painstakingly remembered to sign myself up for all kinds of valuable “birthday clubs”: 1) stores, websites and restaurants are drowning me with emails and coupons for discounts, free shipping and piles of free food I can’t eat; 2) my dentist sent a postcard for free teeth-whitening (what a comedian; I wear dentures); and 3) and a scam outfit called Lake Pointe Advisory Group has invited me to a free senior citizen seminar so I can “learn to protect your retirement wealth.” (Here’s a thought ... if I don’t go, I can protect it from THEM.)

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The entertaining Civil War, 20th Century Fox style.

In this post: More clients from hell, Civil War entertainment.

Holy crap. My clients, again.

Another one sent me a frantic email this morning: “I see our website has been removed. Did we miss something? Do we owe you money? I don’t understand what’s happening!”

So I write back and tell her yes, your website is offline, and yes, you owe me money. I’ve been sending you emails SINCE THE FIRST WEEK OF SEPTEMBER to alert you to your fourth quarter web hosting payment that was due on October 1. I unpublished your website on the 15th for nonpayment and you now owe me a shitload of dough, including a $20 late payment fee and a $50 labor charge to relaunch your site. YOU ARE SUCH A DAMN PEST. PLEASE GO AWAY, STOP ANNOYING ME AND LET ME RETIRE ALREADY!

Maybe those weren’t my exact words, but they’re really close.

Curing immobility with all the bells and whistles.

In this post: Immobility, innoculations.  

Today was a day that will live in infamy but has nothing whatosever to do Franklin Roosevelt, Pearl Harbor, the Japanese air force or bombs. This was the first day I’ve been out of the house since I drove Sam to the airport back on October 5. And this is also a classic example of what happens to a person when they have crappy mobility: YOU NEVER GO ANYWHERE. Thank God I love Howdygram headquarters or I’d probably blow my brains out.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Immersed in my favorite activity whenever I’m wide awake in the middle of the night.

In this post: Sucking TicTacs, studying Royals, breaking records.

It’s 6:30 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4. Aside from sucking TicTacs and playing video poker, I am immersed in my favorite activity whenever I’m wide awake in the middle of the night ... visiting the royal family’s official website at There are lots of lovely photos of rich people doing things, such as this image of the Queen signing a royal message to stuff into The Queen’s Baton (picture a fancy bedazzled suppository) that will travel all around Britain in a carriage before arriving in Glasgow for the Commonwealth Games. Fun fact ... the Queen has worn her hair like this since 1960.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I have to wash a frying pan.

In this post: Mopping up, praying for retirement.

Sam is working late tonight. My main focus for the next couple of hours will be basic kitchen organization, because my maid will be here tomorrow afternoon and I always feel compelled to straighten up the house before she gets here. This typically includes loading stray dishes into the dishwasher, cleaning off the countertops and I also have to wash a frying pan. A woman’s work is never done.

Pastor Kevin Swanson is a putz extraordinaire.

In this post: Another putz, an all-time low, Sam to the rescue.

How low can you go? I almost found out this morning when I injected mealtime insulin at 11:15 and then forgot to eat lunch. The result? A hypoglycemic episode of epic proportions.

Sam was ready to get into the shower when I staggered into the kitchen, sat down on a stool and shrieked his name two or three times. I’m shocked that he heard me, but thank God he did, because all of sudden he’s galloping into the room like a beautiful gazelle clutching a bottle of my favorite tasty glucose tablets from Wal-Mart, the ones with assorted tropical fruit flavors like banana, coconut and pineapple. (I don’t know what the pink ones are.) In a nutshell, SAM SAVED MY LIFE. Or, at the very least, he avoided the obvious challenge of hoisting me up off the floor if I’d actually passed out. And I was very, very close. Holy crap, people.

The Great Bathroom Disaster of 2013.

In this post: Naked cleanup, costumed kittens, percussion tap.

It began with a simple crash last night around 8 p.m. while I was in the study wasting time online and Sam was still unconscious in bed after working 44½ hours of overtime on Saturday and Sunday. I thought the noise came from the kitchen, such as dishes breaking or possibly crap falling off a pantry shelf, but after looking around for a few minutes we couldn’t figure out what happened. So I moved on to Plan B — what the hell, why not take a shower — and that’s when we discovered the disaster. There, on the floor of our shower stall in the master bath, were the remains of a large soap and shampoo dispenser (pictured below) that had vaulted to its death from the wall along with three quarts of slimy foaming goo on EVERYTHING.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Embracing a time-honored senior citizen tradition.

In this post: Anticipating Sam, Marcy’s Birthday Wish List.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. for a time-honored senior citizen tradition — i.e., a middle-of-the-night pee — when I realized, sadly, that SAM WAS STILL DOWNTOWN AT THE OFFICE. No kidding, people ... he worked 44½ hours of overtime this weekend and didn’t come home until first shift showed up around 7 a.m. He went straight to bed the minute he walked in even though I suggested Brownie Brittle and Cool Whip for breakfast.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

“Come September” includes Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin at no extra charge.

In this post: A Rock Hudson triple feature.

This will probably be my final post of the day. I recorded three adorable Rock Hudson comedies tonight and figure I should use this opportunity with Sam working until sunrise to watch as many as possible before I pass out. They are Come September (1961) with Gina Lollobrigida, Lover Come Back (1961) and Send Me No Flowers (1964), the latter two with Doris Day and Tony Randall. As a bonus — and in case you give a crap — Come September is filmed on location in Italy and includes Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin at no extra charge. (I wouldn’t joke about this.)

When Sam comes home I want to play with his feet.

In this post: Missing Sam, spy thrillers, leftovers.

Holy crap. It’s 6 p.m. on Sunday and I’m bored to death. Sam has been downtown at work since before breakfast (he left when I was still asleep) and probably won’t be home until sun-up on Monday. I have no idea how he does this, but I know it can’t be healthy not to go to bed for 24 hours and exist on a diet of trail mix and leftover pizza. I miss him. When he finally comes home I want to play with his feet, although I’m sure he’ll kill me for saying this. To amuse myself in the meantime I’m watching movies and thinking about things I can eat.

A top-flight horror movie with the biggest demon you’ve ever seen.

In this post: Sunday crapola, demons from hell, introducing Ethel.

It’s 4 a.m. and I’m wide awake. There’s not much to do around here in the middle of the night except for horsing around with the Howdygram so I guess you’re stuck with me for the time being. Sam is asleep, fortunately. He worked 18 hours on Saturday (most of them downtown at the office) and will probably have to work all day today, too. He’s not eating much, either.

And now for our latest movie review! Curse of the Demon (1957) starring Dana Andrews and Peggy Cummins is a top-flight horror movie from noted director Jacques Tourneur.

Set in England, the story features mad scientists, devil worship, snooty houses, a visit to Stonehenge, the biggest demon you’ve ever seen, people getting hypnotized, scary shadows, somebody getting electrocuted, appointment books with missing pages, a nice car, wind, a séance with singing, train rides and zero wardrobe budget because the leading lady wears the same tacky coat in every scene. Sam and I loved this movie, although technically I was the only one who stayed awake all the way through. Sam fell asleep shortly after the singing séance.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

My low-carb Mock Matzo Balls are fluffy little beauties in your favorite soup.

On October 13 I posted a simple little recipe for easy low-carb dumplings that you can cook in a pot of soup or stew. After a brief period of intense experimentation in the Howdygram test kitchen I’d like to announce a recipe revision, as shown below.
  • 3 cups CarbQuik low-carb baking mix
  • ½ cup zero-carb heavy cream
  • ½ cup water
  • 3 extra large eggs, beaten
Blend all ingredients in a big bowl until you have a nice soft dough. Add a little extra water one tablespoon at a time if the dough is too dry. Drop dough by spoonfuls onto simmering soup (or stew). Cook for 10 minutes uncovered and then 10 minutes tightly covered. No peeking, okay?

Amazon loves me and I love them right back.

In this post: When Saturdays suck, understanding Amazon.

It’s late Saturday afternoon and Sam is at the office. I hate sentences like that, because Sam should be hanging out here at Howdygram headquarters on Saturday afternoons with a cheesy movie on TV, such as The Mask of Fu Manchu (1932) starring Boris Karloff and Myrna Loy or It Came From Outer Space (1953) starring Richard Carlson, Barbara Rush and Russell Johnson. Both films are currently recorded on our DVR. In case you give a crap, Russell’s big break came years later as the Professor on “Gilligan’s Island.” In this part, though, an alien with a giant eyeball turns him into a zombie telephone repairman with a voice like the drive-through at Jack in the Box.

Friday, October 18, 2013

The love affair continues.

In this post: Bagels and buns (part two).

It’s almost 11 p.m. and Sam is working late tonight, so I thought I’d hang out with the Howdygram for a while and keep y’all company. I guess the biggest news is, UPS delivered my low-carb bagels and hamburger buns from Netrition right on schedule (see previous post), and you know what? THEY’RE FAN-FRICKIN’-TASTIC. Only two carbs each. TWO CARBS!

Bagels and buns, bursting forth.

In this post: Crime and punishment, bagels and buns, future shock.

Finally … a petition that’s near and dear to my heart! This one recommends a charge of sedition — including arrest and trial — against the House GOP for conspiring to extort the President, the American people and United States government into abolishing the Affordable Care Act. Sedition is a felony, and the definition appears below. (FYI ... “force” doesn’t refer only to physical violence.) You’ll feel terrific after you sign this petition ... even if nobody ever gets arrested.

If two or more persons in any State or Territory, or in any place subject to the jurisdiction of the United States, conspire ... by force to prevent, hinder, or delay the execution of any law of the United States ... they shall each be fined or imprisoned not more than 20 years, or both.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The World’s Best Vice President delivers muffins to the EPA.

In this post: Happy Halloween, Joe Biden delivers, Sam’s decadent desserts.

Here’s a hot one from the great neanderthal state of Florida, home of the legendary George Zimmerman.

Authorities in Palm Bay say Ron Nielson, 50, and his wife were assembling a burning cross as a Halloween prank when the gasoline vapors ignited due to insufficient ventilation and set Nielson on fire. A neighbor heard the explosion and found Einstein sprawled out in a ditch covered in burns. Police say he was also intoxicated.

You know times have changed if a well-intentioned white boy can’t even burn a cross without lousing it up! Too bad he forgot to wear his white hood for protection. (I’m just saying.)

The Choctaw Casino has a frozen yogurt machine with sprinkles.

In this post: Kicked to the curb, Choctaw Casino.

Howdygram headquarters is doing a happy dance! Tea party Republicans were kicked to the curb last night when they lost their unwinnable battle against President Obama and the United States of America, and I’m pleased to offer the following chart as evidence:
And so ... Federal employees can return to work today and our constipated government will finally move its collective bowels. Quite frankly, if I never see Ted Cruz’s face again it’ll be too soon. What an arrogant POS.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Tea party putz attempts to defend himself against outrageous hypocrisy.

In this post: Putz of the Week, pot roast, Subscribe & Save.

Howdygram headquarters smells like pot roast. It’s been in the oven since 6 p.m. (about 45 minutes ago) and the fragrance is driving me crazy. Incidentally, this is a Schwan’s pot roast, and the nicest hunk of frozen meat you’ll ever buy. You should try it. Thank you.

For the time being you’ll have to keep up with the horseshit in Washington, D.C., all by yourself.

In this post: Schwan’s, foreign food news, miscellaneous crapola.

I woke up hungry this morning and I’m still hungry right now as I write this post. I suppose I could shlep into the kitchen and find something to eat — what normal people do when they’re hungry — except I’m waiting for Schwan’s to show up with our biweekly load of frozen whatnots! Our friendly, uniformed doofus will be here about an hour from now (usually by 11:30) laden with corn dogs, teeny tacos and omelets. Yay, people! A photo of Schwan’s teeny tacos appears below for your possible interest.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Take the quiz. Where do you land on the ideological spectrum?

In this post: Take the quiz, wet weather, having a chocolate attack.

Yes, people, in case you haven’t figured it out by now ... I’m a bleeding heart liberal. That’s as far left as a leftist can get. If you consider yourself politically savvy, there’s an interesting little online quiz sponsored by Esquire/NBC News that will show you where you land on the ideological spectrum between left and right. My results were no surprise whatsoever because I’ve been a pro-choice progressive for decades. The link to the quiz appears below my results.

Rich and happy tile-loving Russian seeks child bride.

In this post: Indecent proposal, insomnia.

Me again, your favorite insomniac blogger. It’s 6 a.m. and I’ve been awake since 3:45 doing nothing of any consequence, although I do have a brief news item to share! I’d like to introduce debonair Don Milisav Brzi, age 39, a millionaire Russian who’s in the market for a girl ... object marriage. Don is looking for a “child bride” age 16 to 20 (holy crap) and has created the following ad with accompanying photos to lure the perfect girl to a happy life in St. Petersburg. With fur, lots of tile and more gold than King Tut’s tomb.

Monday, October 14, 2013

I bought a new chair today that has excellent reviews from customers with panoramic fannies.

In this post: Cravings, new seating, our latest Holy Crap Gallery.

Know what happens when a deranged diabetic is wide awake in the middle of the night craving chocolate? This:

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Have you ever wanted to make low-carb dumplings?

In this post: A Sunday kvetch report timeline, battling Boehner, low-carb dumplings.

6:05 A.M. Wake up shivering and decide to take a really hot shower with lots of soap.

6:19 A.M. Still shivering but I smell terrific. My body temperature is 94.9°. That’s an all-time low (no pun intended) for me where hypothermia’s concerned.

6:25 A.M. I check my blood sugar and it’s only 62. I’m still shivering and take a couple of extra-strength Tylenol. I eat breakfast (seriously, I can’t remember what) and watch the first hour of Sunset Blvd. (1950) starring William Holden and Gloria Swanson. (For your possible interest, the correct title of this movie is Sunset Blvd. — not Boulevard. Got it?)

A savings of $5.54 is nothing to sneeze at, people.

In this post: A low-carb shopping spree, cheapo TicTacs, here comes Sam.

To celebrate Sam coming home from California today I decided to treat myself to a bunch of wonderful crapola from This includes two boxes of CarbQuik baking mix, four packages of very tasty low-carb ready-to-eat beef chili with beans, a jar of Go-Lo low-carb sugar-free chocolate hazelnut spread (i.e., mock Nutella) and two bags of Great American Low Carb Bread Company “everything” bagels. I’m especially excited about those bagels. Only two carbs each! Not pictured: a bag of low-carb hamburger buns (from same company that makes the low-carb bagels) and two squeezy bottles of Mt. Olive sugar-free sweet relish. I’ve included all the links in case you want to go shopping. Yum-yum, y’all.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

We’d love to water our lawn more often, except there isn’t any water.

In this post: Einstein Award, movie review, kvetch report.

Everybody’s a comedian. Enhanced Views Landscaping — the Einsteins who sprayed our yard for weeds yesterday morning when it was still dark outside — left their bill at the front door with succinct yet amusing lawn care instructions: “Water more often.”

More often? Seriously? ARE THEY DELUSIONAL? For the last three years we’ve been living in an exceptional drought with stage three water restrictions — just like everybody else in north Texas — which means we only get to water our lawn ONCE A WEEK, period. Where Howdygram headquarters is concerned, the city of Mesquite stipulates watering on Mondays before 10 a.m. ... and that’s all, folks. So “water more often” is like a sick joke. Trust me, we’d love to water more often, except there isn’t any water!

North Texas is sweatier than the Everglades today.

In this post: Hot & sticky, pain sucks, airport transportation.

And the weather at Howdygram headquarters is … HOT AND MUGGY. At 90° with 69% humidity, north Texas is sweatier than the Everglades today. All I can say is, thank God for air-conditioning, because I intend to hang out in my nice cool house eating homemade low-carb biscuits, assuming I can drag myself into the kitchen sometime this afternoon to actually make them.

Note to Senator Cruz: Good luck with that, you delusional snot-head.

In this post: Kvetch report, Senator Turd Cruz wins big.

It’s 5:15 a.m. and I’m on “dawn patrol” again today. I can’t be 100% sure, but I think the excruciating pain in my hands, knees and ankles woke me up! It’s actually so bad I almost couldn’t make it to the bathroom — a tragedy if there ever was one — and had to use BOTH HANDS on my cane to drag myself down the hall. I’m totally wide awake now after all that shlepping and moaning so you’ll probably be stuck with me for a while. Holy crap.

Friday, October 11, 2013

I tried to take a picture of my thumb lump but I can’t operate the camera with my crippled left hand.

In this post: Kvetch report, free food.

When you have arthritis like moi a forecast of rain is a forecast of PAIN. And right now I’ve got pain in spades. My joints are so stiff tonight I almost can’t move at all. A hot shower hasn’t helped and neither has vanilla soy milk with sugar-free sweet pickles — my number one favorite “go-to” snack when I’m feeling crabby or miserable. Even my hands hurt today. The fingers on my left hand all feel like they’re broken and I’ve got a huge lump on my right thumb that actually BURNS. I tried to take a picture of it for you but I can’t operate the camera with my crippled left hand. This sucks.

I’m told the local cattle are drinking beer now.

In this post: A video disclaimer, assorted Friday activities.

I was annoyed today when I realized the YouTube video in my last post was deleted by its producers, because now y’all have been deprived of Jon Stewart’s monologue from “The Daily Show” on Thursday night. Please accept my apology, but this kind of heartbreaking horsepoop is beyond our control. Thank you.

So here’s what’s happening at Howdygram headquarters today!

HYPOGLYCEMIA. It was still dark outside when I woke up this morning at 6 with a low blood sugar episode so I migrated into the family room to gnaw on a couple of Slim Jims and watch Enter Laughing (1967) starring José Ferrer, Shelley Winters and Elaine May.

Fred Astaire and Beanit Butter are bedtime favorites.

In this post: Hilarious menu parodies, Jon Stewart nails it.

On “The Daily Show” last night Jon Stewart lampooned the 26 states — all with Republican governors or legislatures — that have refused free Federal dollars to expand their Medicaid programs and provide health care coverage to millions of America’s working poor. Here’s a YouTube video of his monologue. (I love this guy. I’m serious.)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Sam is coming home on Sunday.

In this post: Blog bugs, Sam in Los Angeles, pondering dinner.

Good evening, Howdygramsters! It seems there are more “issues” today with the posting and editing software on Blogspot because my email is filling up with copies of complaints and general hysteria from other users (see earlier post). It seems that nobody can create a new Text gadget (what we use to add content to the sidebar) or edit an existing Text gadget, which is true, for the most part, except that I’ve discovered a cool workaround. Instead of using the Text gadget to add content I use the HTML/Javascript gadget, which is functioning nicely and gives you the exact same published result when you save it to the sidebar. So just for fun every now and then I reply to one of those whiny user emails with my brilliant HTML/Javascript option and everybody has a brain hemorrhage. It’s a good day.

I can’t believe Michelle Duggar still has fallopian tubes.

In this post: Retirement, overpopulation, assorted crapola.

I have nothing to do. Seriously. NOTHING. It’s midnight and I’ve already taken a nice shower, eaten more than enough food, written several decent Howdygram posts, called Sam in California to say goodnight, refilled my seven-day pill sorter, injected a bunch of insulin and unmade the bed. I guess I’ll just sit here and annoy you until I can’t keep my eyes open any more. Please let me know when enough is enough, okay? A simple email will suffice.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Yup. A secret race of lizard people runs the world.

In this post: Crackpots, conspiracies, teeny egg rolls.

On Monday I posted about the “Truckers Ride for the Constitution” protest/rally/convoy heading to Washington, D.C., this week to be stupid, block traffic and arrest several Congressmen and President Obama for treason. Yesterday the group’s organizer, Earl Conlon, admitted it was all bullshit from the start and just a hoax to irritate the “mainstream media.” However rival organizer and former country singer Zeeda “Einstein” Andrews has claimed exactly the opposite and promises the protest is moving forward as originally planned. Andrews was interviewed this morning by Louisiana radio station WAFB, where she revealed that Truckers Ride for the Constitution has “warring factions” like the Hatfields and McCoys and says that Earl Conlon is a phony, a jackass and a pretender. “Earl has never been authorized as a spokesperson,” Andrews told WAFB. “As a matter of fact, he’s not even riding in the convoy.” It seems that Zeeda Andrews is a roadkill stew of right-wing hysteria, Islamophobia and crackpot conspiracy theories.

Refreshed, alert and ready for action after four stinking hours of sleep.

In this post: Kvetch report, food groups, double whammies.

4:45 A.M. Hi, everybody. In case you’re trying to figure out why I’m awake in the middle of the night I’ve got another major outbreak of very crappy neuropathy pain in my hands and feet, plus — if that’s not enough, right? — I also scratched up the inside of my left arm something awful and don’t know when or how it happened. I look like I’ve been clawed by a cat and it STINGS. And I have a headache, dry skin and a hangnail. Other than that I’m just swell at this hour so I think I’ll sit here for a while and eat TicTacs. (They’re my second-favorite food group after Slim Jims.)

A girl can never have too many blood glucose test strips. Ask anybody.

In this post: The fossil speaks, cheapo diabetes supplies.

The question of the century is, why is Pat Robertson still on TV? Nobody believes what this drooling old fossil has to say about anything, including his own “followers.” From an article on The Raw Story, during a televised prayer segment last night on the Christian Broadcasting Network a viewer wanted to know why Robertson and his co-host never ask God to replace lost limbs. “Is it because you believe He can’t regrow limbs?” asked the viewer. “Can’t God do anything?”

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I don’t know if Sam would eat mozzarella sticks from a pet dish even if we had his name painted on the side.

In this post: Bowls wanted, ducking the handyman.

I broke one of my favorite bowls a few minutes ago when it jumped off the kitchen counter and fell to its death. I only had four of these from the get-go; now I’ve got three. These are special bowls: plastic, dark brown, shallow and actually shaped more like nine-inch diameter plates with gently sloped sides. I will include a photo here for your possible interest. I originally bought them at Wal-Mart six years ago for 99¢ each.
These are our favorite bowls for eating mozzarella sticks and I know I’m going to miss that fourth one something awful. I’ve been trying to find more online for years but nothing ever comes close. Amazon sells a similar shape described as a “pasta bowl,” except they’re porcelain with fat little Italian chefs on them and I’m not interested in fat little Italian chefs. (Or porcelain.) To tell you the truth, a pet dish would be really perfect but I’d have to keep this secret from Sam because I don’t know if he’d eat mozzarella sticks from a pet dish even if we had his name painted on the side.

The best napping movies God ever created.

In this post: Blog bloopers, nap movies.

Because I subscribe to various discussion threads on Google’s Blogger help forum I’ve been receiving copies of frantic user emails for the last few hours complaining about a variety of blog software “bugs.” For instance:

The text editor is adding unwanted blank lines ALL OVER MY BLOG!

I clicked on Rich Text, added a line of text, pressed Save and then went to Preview. When I re-edit the text the two edit options appear for a few seconds and then the Edit HTML option disappears! This is as close as I can get to FLAMING! Do not use the text editor! I am using IE10, the latest version. There is no excuse for this.

There is now an issue with trying to add a link in Configure Link List. Its not doing ANYTHING. Updating this list is imperative for me! My boss will not understand! When will this be corrected!?

Day seven and I still can’t Save when I edit the text gadget although today I was able to paste into the Edit HTML window and Save by clicking Enter in the title box. Please fix this, Google! I have been waiting!

Let me add that I don’t know what these people are talking about. My blog is working just fine, evidenced by the fact that I just posted this. Thank you.

Monday, October 7, 2013

I wish I had something to drink. I’m asking for volunteers.

In this post: Fatigue, a call for volunteers, spruce up your choppers.

I just finished up my late-night Face Time with Sam (he’s still in Los Angeles visiting his mom) and thought I’d attempt to squeeze in one more quick Howdygram post before I go to bed. I’m tired but I don’t know why because I haven’t done anything else today except sleep, eat braunschweiger and type things. It’s hell getting old. Trust me on this.

Constitution-loving truckers are descending on Washington. Holy crap.

In this post: Constitutional truckers, braunschweiger.

God bless idiot zealots. They sure know how to have a good time! Just when you thought the festivities in Washington couldn’t be more exciting, let’s pause to consider a Friday rally that’s planned inside the beltway called “Truckers Ride for the Constitution,” where a cavalcade of semi trailers led by Georgia trucker Earl Conlon, pictured at left, and a former country singer named Zeeda Andrews will converge on the Capitol to arrest legislators and put them in handcuffs. And not just any legislators, mind you … they’re specifically targeting Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein and President Obama for “funding al-Quaeda” and “committing treason against the Constitution.” (They’re also really pissed about the cost of deisel and a variety of other “trucker frustrations,” most of which wouldn’t be an issue at all if they’d join the Teamsters rather than drive for small-time anti-union operators who screw them out of wages, benefits and pension. I’m just saying.)

I was cold enough this morning to consider socks.

In this post: Frosty toilets, I really HATE Republicans.

It’s Monday morning. I’ve been up since 6 for no reason whatsoever, although presently I’m a little bit hungry, rather cold and definitely sleepy … all excellent reasons to eat, turn on the heat and go back to bed as soon as possible. And I’d do it, too, if I wasn’t so damn pissed off about the Republican extortionists in Congress and their government shutdown grandstanding! I’m especially irritated today by John Boehner’s claim that “the White House refuses to negotiate.” Negotiate what, exactly? The Republicans haven’t offered any basis for negotiation … JUST A LIST OF DEMANDS. Holy crap, I hate these people!
I need a lot of cake today. And a lot of old movies. And tacos with hot sauce. (And Sam. I absolutely need Sam.)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

We’re actually watching a political minority attempt to overthrow the United States government.

In this post: Accidental dessert, more GOP bullshit. 

It occurs to me that I write a lot more Howdygram posts when Sam is out of town because I don’t have to waste time interacting with another human being. I can just sit at my desk between meals and let the horseshit soar into cyberspace! Is this fun, or what?

Mazel tov to me, everybody ... I turned lemons into lemonade tonight! Or in my case, a pound cake failure into “molten lava.” Today’s collapsed chocolate pound cake (see previous post) wasn’t quite as mooshy as last week’s and actually became a surprisingly yummy accidental dessert resembling that intensely popular molten lava hoo-hah you get in restaurants. I even smooshed some low-carb pineapple preserves on top and thoroughly enjoyed every decadent, sugar-free bite. I’d be happy to share the recipe except I have no idea whatsoever how I continue screwing it up. What the hell.

Yes, dear friends, there are pound cake emergencies.

In this post: DVD disaster, sunken cakes, Real Housewives.

There’s some aggravating crap going on today at Howdygram headquarters so grab yourself a braunschweiger sandwich and get comfortable.

AGGRAVATING CRAP #1. It was my big Sunday afternoon plan to watch a Hildegarde Withers murdery mystery triple-feature — The Penguin Pool Murder, Murder on the Blackboard and Murder on a Honeymoon starring Edna May Oliver and James Gleason — all from the big Hildegarde Withers movie collection I ordered last week from Amazon (see post). Sadly, about 30 minutes into the first movie on disc one THE DVD HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. The error message said “unreadable” so I had to eject the disc. (Incidentally, the swell and helpful customer service people at Amazon are replacing my DVD collection and I’ve already got my free UPS return label. I love these guys. You should be shopping there.)

I think we should all charter a bus and haul ass to Washington.

In this post: Congress (again), baking things, missing Sam.

Good morning, people. It’s a bright and sunny Sunday in north Texas! Before I do anything else, however, I’d like to encourage you to sign another petition — what a surprise, right? — asking Speaker of the House John Boehner to end the government shutdown and give up on that stupid orange spray tan. This one’s sponsored by Senator Claire McCaskill (Democrat from Missouri), pictured at right, and a long list of her well-dressed Democratic colleagues.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Why would anybody vote for a person who constantly looks like he’s taking a dump?

In this post: Sam in Los Angeles, Turd Cruz of Texas, it’s movie night.

Sam is in Los Angeles tonight, bunking next to his mother on a foldout cot at Kaiser Hospital in Panorama City, where mom is being treated for congestive heart failure. Apparently Kaiser is the hot-spot of southern California and Sam says there’s a rope line with bouncers if you expect to eat dinner in the hospital cafeteria. (I might be kidding about the rope line.)
It’s day five of The Great American Shutdown, and the GOP wants us to know that President Obama needs to recognize two things: 1) people elected Ted Cruz to the Senate in 2012; and 2) the Affordable Care Act must repealed. Pardon me for a minute while I puke.

Hang in there, Aunt Adie. I’m hoping we’ll both get used to this.

In this post: Exhaustion, National Taco Day, the reason behind our new format.

So here’s what’s what at Howdygram headquarters on a drizzly, semi-crappy Saturday afternoon. I will elaborate as necessary, in case you’re interested.
  1. I slept very badly last night due to diabetic neuropathy pain in my feet. I went to bed at 2 a.m. but didn’t fall asleep until 3:45.
  2. Sam got home from work at 4:15, woke me up to say hello and then got three hours of sleep before I drove him to the airport at 8:45 for a flight to Los Angeles.
  3. As a result of items 1 and 2 we’re both so damn exhausted we can’t see straight.
  4. The United States government is still on lockdown.
  5. I need a Tex-Mex fix in honor of National Taco Day. (Technically I’m one day late but please don’t tell anybody.)

Friday, October 4, 2013

God bless fake flying saucers and radioactive aliens.

In this post: Lousy hours, hating Congress, yay for Schwan’s.

Hey, people ... I’ve added another new feature to my blog tonight! Because you won’t be able to see what’s included in each post until you click the “Read more” link at the bottom, I’ve decided to add an “In this post” teaser just below the headline. You know, to entice you to keep reading and not drift off into a sordid chat room somewhere. Welcome to the new and improved Howdygram. We love us, and we hope you do, too.

Gain a new appreciation for Africa, courtesy of the Howdygram.

In this post: Crusty cod, appreciating Africa, tonight’s dinner.

It occurs to me that I totally forgot to post the following photo when our most recent Name the Celebrity contest ended on October 2. Therefore, here’s the mystery celebrity that nobody guessed. (Nobody guessed our last one, either. Try a little harder, people.)

Visions of Hunan shrimp, chocolate marshmallow pumpkins and Bill Clinton.

In this post: Food fantasies, Howdygram format change, weather report.

It’s 9:45 in the morning and I’m hungry. This really doesn’t surprise me, however, because I was hungry when I went to bed last night, too. Around 1 a.m. I started fantasizing about all the fabulous food I wanted to eat as soon as possible, including egg rolls, cheesecake, mozzarella sticks, salmon patties, Hunan shrimp (extra spicy with no baby corn) from China City, pot roast, chicken salad with diced-up celery, mashed potatoes and Russell Stover chocolate marshmallow pumpkins. Then I fell asleep and had a dream about Bill Clinton. (Don’t ask.)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

There’s nothing quite like baby animals to get your mind off the shitstorm in Congress.

In this post: Hanukkah, hating Congress, staying up late.

It was my intention to start this post a few hours ago but I eventually got caught up folding a mountain of laundry for Sam’s trip to California, after which I designed a couple of birthday cards, ordered myself a cute new robe — as a retired person I consider these “work clothes” now — and watched today’s episode of “People’s Court” with dinner on my lap. This was

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Howdygram headquarters is a tidy suburban oasis that’s the envy of every Bubba in Texas.

In this post: Familiar tourists, Add-a-Sam, skip the corn dogs.

Our landscapers are here. They’re mowing, whacking and edging Howdygram headquarters into a tidy suburban oasis that’s the envy of every Bubba in Texas. Okay, fine, I might be exaggerating a little, but our lawn definitely looks ABSOLUTELY SWELL this afternoon. God bless the friendly dudes at Just Lawns.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Thank God I’ve always got green olives and chocolate soy milk on hand for emergencies.

In this post: Celebrating incontinence, shopping Schwan’s.

I have to admit, it’s an unexpected surprise to be conscious right now. After only two hours of sleep last night — no, that’s not a typo — I’ve had a strange and incoherent day, drifting between interconnected naps and a small, forgettable quantity of nourishment sometime around 11:15 a.m. I think it was half a cup of egg salad and part of a low-carb biscuit leftover from Sunday, but maybe I just imagined it. I know my blood sugar is only 57 right now, though, which means whatever I ate for lunch wasn’t nearly enough. Thank God I’ve always got green olives and chocolate soy milk on hand for emergencies.

Wanted: A haircut, wintergreen TicTacs and a winning lottery ticket so Sam can stop working.

In this post: Kvetch report, hating Congress, new faces.

Once again I am awake in the middle of the night with burning hot hands and feet — plus stabbing pain and spazzy “electric” shocks — due to peripheral neuropathy. I’ve been back to bed three times since 1 a.m. and finally wound up on the chaise in the family room because sometimes the weight of an ordinary bedsheet is just too much for me. Unfortunately, tonight even the chaise didn’t work out. I’m exhausted, annoyed and miserable. Damn it, people ... I need sleep but I can’t get comfortable!