Let me know if you’re hungry. I’ll save you some Mexican Velveeta.

In this post: Hypoglycemia, stocking up.

Happy Thursday, people. It’s 6:30 a.m. and I don’t know why I’m awake at this hour except that my blood sugar is low again. Not scary low, just low (65). At this point the only thing I can do is to try injecting lower doses of insulin or start eating Cheetos. (I love Cheetos.)

We’re doing a caffeine-fueled happy dance this morning at Howdygram headquarters.

In this post: Cheap caffeine, Sam has a toothache.

It’s 9 a.m. Tuesday and Sam is on his way to the dentist. First, however, he has to stop at Wal-Mart because I’m running low on Coke Zero — holy crap and God forbid — and he needs one can of Folgers to tide him over until our gigantic coffee order arrives on Thursday from Amazon. In case you’re interested, about half an hour ago I bought 12 cans of Folgers Hazelnut (Sam’s favorite) for only $58, and that’s MIGHTY DAMN CHEAP, people. We’re doing a caffeine-fueled happy dance this morning at Howdygram headquarters!

Thank you in advance from Babs and me.

Wow, everybody ... I just received an email from BARBRA STREISAND. Barbra Streisand! My new best friend — you know, Babs — asked if I would please consider contributing a little dough to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in their ongoing effort to rout the obstructionist Republicans, whose approval rating currently hovers at 16% ... the lowest approval rating EVER. So I’m thinking, holy crap, if Barbra can take a few minutes from her busy schedule of manicures, being amazing and staring at James Brolin to check in with Marcy at Howdygram headquarters, I can donate three stinking dollars to elect more Democrats to Congress. And you can, too! There’s a direct link to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in the right sidebar of the Howdygram, or just click here. Thank you in advance from Babs and me.

For your possible interest, with the exception of last-minute electoral emergencies my typical political donation is $3, and I’ll give you three excellent reasons why: 1) three bucks is enough to make a difference; 2) I can contribute to a bunch of worthwhile causes all at the same time; and 3) I don’t want Sam to have a stroke. Although we share the same political viewpoint, Sam isn’t much of an activist and doesn’t get nuts about email from Barbra Streisand. So that’s that.

In other news, I ordered some cool crapola today from Amazon ... a big box of See Clear wipey things for my glasses and a hardcover copy of “The Astaires,” the best-selling biography of Fred and Adele Astaire.

FYI, most people don’t know that Fred and his sister Adele had a hugely successful 30-year dance career together before Fred got to Hollywood in 1933. Thirty years! They started as children and wound up as headliners on Broadway with the Gershwins writing musicals just for them. I can’t wait to read this book. Seriously.

Wow, it’s already after 6 p.m. and I haven’t spent nearly enough time obsessing about dinner! At the moment I’m considering low-carb biscuits, bacon, green olives and chia seed pudding. And soon, because I’m awfully hungry. Thank you.

Food peril in a modern world: Defending pickles & biscuits.

It probably won’t surprise any of you that the essential crapola in your refrigerator could kill you. The dangers du jour include: 1) overpriced cheese contaminated with Listeria courtesy of Whole Foods; 2) more than 50,000 pounds of ground beef at your favorite warehouse club store contaminated with E.coli bacteria; and 3) bagged salad containing the popular mix of romaine, iceberg lettuce and cyclospora parasites. Although the salad in item three has (so far) poisoned 350 people in 15 states, the FDA can’t exactly tell you which brand of bagged salad to avoid because it actually might be ALL of them.

From my viewpoint, the only safe and healthy meal left on planet earth is PICKLES & BISCUITS, my all-time favorite feast for every occasion. I refer specifically to easy little drop biscuits made from CarbQuik and water (the recipe’s on the box) and juicy Ba-Tampte half-sour pickles. If you care, I have to order my pickles from the KC Kosher Co-op because grocery stores in Dallas don’t sell anything Jewish. You can’t even find a stupid yahrzeit candle around here.

Big news, people ... I applied for my Social Security retirement benefits today! This makes it official: I’m a card-carrying, bona fide OLD LADY now, complete with a cane, corrective shoes, a monthly Social Security check and a leaky bladder. Tonight’s requisite celebration will include a bowl of chia seed pudding and the latest episode of “Project Runway.”

I’ve got a full and happy life. And (as always) another batch of new fonts.

Thank you for reading this.

Life is monumentally off-schedule today at Howdygram headquarters.

To all you Einsteins who interrupted my Saturday nap today by pounding on the front door, I have two words for you: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY HOUSE. I was so annoyed I wanted to beat the crap out of them with my cane. And they weren’t even advertising anything because nobody left a business card or a pizza flyer. They were just a bunch of PESTS.

And now for something completely different! Sam is still en route from Dallas to Burbank, California, as I write this post, a six-hour pain-in-the-ass flight on Southwest Airlines with outrageous $8 WiFi service and scheduled stops in Albuquerque and Oakland. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite, Texas; B) Albuquerque, New Mexico; C) Oakland, California; and D) Bob Hope Airport in beautiful downtown Burbank.

For the record, in no way whatsoever is Oakland ever considered a convenient side trip on the way to Burbank. But to make matters worse … instead of a simple-yet-irritating 20-minute stop, Southwest decides to force everybody off the plane for a TWO HOUR LAYOVER with nothing to do except eat shitty chicken burritos and call your wife.

Sam is still in Oakland eating his aforementioned shitty chicken burrito as I write this post.

Closer to home, life is monumentally off-schedule today at Howdygram headquarters. I finally ate breakfast at 4:15 in the afternoon, a repast of jumbo green olives and a couple of low-carb biscuits. I didn’t intentionally delay food for any particular reason other than not being very hungry, a situation that leaves me profoundly confused because I’m never not hungry.

More to come. Thank you for reading this.

I just ran out of sugar-free barbecue sauce. Other than that, life is perfect.

Ah, Friday. Everything is swell at Howdygram headquarters tonight, not counting my sick toe, another round of monster tornadoes in Oklahoma, stage three emergency water restrictions kick in tomorrow for all of north Texas and I just ran out of sugar-free barbecue sauce. Other than that, life is perfect. I even made low-carb biscuits for dinner!

In case you haven’t seen this adorable wedding photo anywhere else on the Internet I thought I’d post it tonight for your possible interest. The photographer was J. Quinn Miller from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, who conspired with the groom who “loves dinosaurs.” They asked the entire bridal party to run towards the camera screaming, after which Miller Photoshopped the Tyrannosaurus into the background. Holy crap, I love this.

Sam just called to let me know he’s on his way home from work. This is excellent news for a variety of reasons, but mostly because Sam is fun and life is always better when he’s hanging out at Howdygram headquarters. To celebrate I just cut up a nice big pineapple for him. Thank you for reading this.

You already know what underwear looks like.

Hi, people. In case you missed it, there was an unexpected burst of manicky energy at Howdygram headquarters today! Sam began first thing this morning by emptying the garbage cans in every room of the house, taking our Hyundai for an oil change and car wash, helping me hang up a pile of clean clothes, and then making a bunch of highly successful phone calls — everybody actually picked up! — regarding: 1) what’s the latest status of our mortgage re-fi with Wells Fargo; 2) scheduling Sunnyvale Fence to fix our back yard gate; 3) requesting an extra weed treatment from our landscaping contractor; and 4) hiring a nice neighborhood handyman for a variety of thrilling early summer projects, including a quote for solar screens for the family room, master bath and master bedroom. He’s coming over on Wednesday.

As for yours truly, I’m folding underwear, downloading fonts and thinking about dinner. It’s a full life, isn’t it? The aforementioned fonts are pictured below for your possible interest. (You already know what underwear looks like.)

My favorites here include Rambler Script, Kamden, Kon Tiki Lounge and Ruach. Kosher ain’t too bad, either.

In the spirit of brightening up Howdygramland for spring I ordered a couple of clever convenience products this afternoon from Amazon.

These are both really nice polished chrome over-the-cabinet whatnots by InterDesign, a company that manufactures a lot of excellent yet cheap household crapola. I already own a number of their products, including drawer organizers, lucite pantry stacking thingies and the new shower caddy in our master bathroom. In case you’re wondering, the plastic bag holder goes inside the cabinet and the kitchen towel bar will go outside, except you shouldn’t use both on the same door. (Duh.) I’m excited enough to make Five-Minute Stupid Soup for dinner and low-carb biscuits!

And finally, here’s a photo from our People in Glass Houses department that clearly illustrates why you should never dive into a pool without water.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

If you put your hand on my forehead I’m as cold as a mackerel.

It’s Monday evening, and not much has happened here today with the following possible exceptions: 1) Sam got a haircut; 2) Sam went to Wal-Mart for green onions and a jar of green olives; 3) I took an unexpected three-hour nap; and 4) when I woke up my blood sugar had dropped to 42. Holy crap.

With regard to the Wal-Mart trip, green onions and green olives are two of my favorite foods, and this week I want to make my low-carb Spinach and Feta Cheese Casserole, for which green onions are an essential component, and the green olives are just for the hell of it because I love them. Big ones, with red things inside, as pictured below.

Concerning item four above, 42 is an all-time low for me — a scary all-time low — because I didn’t feel weird in any way whatsoever. The only reason I bothered to test my blood sugar was to find out why I was hungry, and I had already been awake for 45 minutes by then.

In case you’re interested, being unable to tell when your blood sugar is too low is a frightening form of autonomic neuropathy, also called “dysautonomia,” which is a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system frequently found in diabetics. Typically during a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episode you would feel like TOTAL CRAP — clammy, confused, dizzy, shaky and STARVING — which can be life-threatening and therefore even worse than the other neuropathy issue I’m experiencing on a daily basis: UNREGULATED BODY TEMPERATURE. At times my temperature is 95° and certifiably hypothermic, which feels like I’m running a high fever — chills, severe joint and muscle pain — except if you put your hand on my forehead I’m as cold as a mackerel.

Please be assured I’m NOT sharing all this whiny horseshit to get your sympathy. I JUST WANT LOTS OF PRESENTS. Thank you in advance for your generosity.

On tonight’s agenda: a nice hot shower, two back-to-back episodes of “Dallas,” and I might even make myself a batch of low-carb biscuits before Sam gets home from work. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

More whining, more biscuits and more crapola.

So here’s what’s been happening today at Howdygram headquarters! Saturday night was seriously crappy with severely low blood sugar in the mid-40s, VERY low body temperature, chills and severe joint and muscle pain, which required sleeping, shivering and moaning on the chaise in the family room wrapped in a faux mink blanket. I’m surprised (and thankful) that I didn’t wake my spouse, who was comfortably unconscious in bed. I managed to perk up this morning, however, and talked Sam into an early lunch at Cafe Greek in Dallas followed by watching Adam Scott win the Masters at Augusta National on TV. The aforementioned chills and muscle pain came back this afternoon, however, and I’m not doing well at all as I write this post. I’m thinking I might need pickles and biscuits for dinner. Pickles and biscuits solve EVERYTHING.

For the record, these are low-carb biscuits, and I’ve got the easiest recipe on the face of the earth. I throw ⅔ cup of water and 2 cups of CarbQuik (a low-carb Bisquick knockoff) into my bread machine, process for about 90 seconds, and then drop six clumps of dough onto a nonstick cookie sheet, flatten the clumps with your fingers and bake for 15 minutes at 350°. (The biscuits, not your fingers.) That’s all there is to it. FRESH HOT BISCUITS! And they’re only TWO CARBS EACH, so a food-obsessed diabetic like yours truly can eat ALL SIX BISCUITS and not send her blood sugar into the stratosphere!

On TV tonight, for your possible interest, are the latest episode of AMC’s “Mad Men,” the season premiers of “Veep” on HBO and Anthony Bourdain’s new food and travel series on CNN, and a pair of extremely wonderful Walter Huston movies on TCM: Dodsworth (1936) and Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948).

This is so exciting I almost can’t stand it because Sam and I love Walter Huston movies. Thank you for reading this.

Psychopaths, armed toddlers, bird flu and an all-new Kool Aid Man.

Is anybody besides me sick to death of the news? The last couple of days have been so horrible I almost don’t feel like writing a Howdygram post, but I’ll push forward nevertheless. Here are the devastating stories currently giving me the most grief.

• Toddlers killing people with loaded guns.
• Teenage boys posting photos of their unconscious rape victims on Facebook.
• A deadly new strain of bird flu from China causes brain damage and organ failure.
• A charter bus full of senior citizens crashes in Dallas on its way to the Choctaw Casino in Okahoma. Two are killed, two dozen are airlifted to hospitals with critical injuries.
• Cicadas are invading the east coast. 
• North Korea still won’t shut the hell up.
• Psychopath Jodi Arias launches a Twitter account from jail. She has 16,000 followers.
• Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio receives a mail bomb. (Yay.) It doesn’t go off. (Boo.)
• West Nile Virus is already back in Dallas after a deadly season in 2012.
• Kraft introduces a new Kool Aid Man.

I think the new Kool Aid Man looks exactly like the old Kool Aid Man. Also, does anybody really give a crap about this?

It’s 9 p.m. Friday night and I haven’t eaten anything since 11 this morning, a situation that probably explains why my blood sugar is plummeting (62 the last time I checked) and I’m starving. For the sake of expedience I have selected an everything-but-the-kitchen-sink evening feast that will include: 1) a jar of gefilte fish; 2) two leftover low-carb biscuits; 3) a small mountain of cheap dill pickles; 4) Slim Jims; and 5) a couple of sugar-free Russell Stover chocolate-covered marshmallows.

There’s enough for company if you’d like to come over so please send an email right away if you’re interested. Thank you.

On a day like this whining is the only activity that interests me.

Every bone in my body hurts today. In addition to the arthritis in my knees, this time it’s also my elbows (oy, they’re killing me) and my hands, hips, ankles and lower back. I know what’s responsible. It has to be the hideously crappy weather system that blew through here overnight, dropping our temperature from 84° to 42° with plenty of wind and cold rain. I’ve been thoroughly miserable since I got up this morning. On a day like this whining is the only activity that interests me, and I’m so damn tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

Other than that, life at Howdygram headquarters isn’t bad at all for a Wednesday afternoon. My maid is cleaning the kitchen, I’ve got some fine movies on the DVR — such as New Morals for Old (1932) starring Robert Young, Myrna Loy and Lewis Stone — and if I feel motivated enough I’ll make scrambled eggs and low-carb biscuits for dinner. Nothing improves my mood quite like biscuits. Also Mongolian chicken.

Thank you for reading this.

The “Chicken Not” verdict is in.

It’s been a peculiar Sunday around here with both of us on opposite schedules. Sam’s awake when I’m asleep, I’m awake when Sam’s asleep. And on and on. But somehow we figured out how to eat dinner at the same time and even watched White Cargo (1942), an unintentionally hilarious film set on a rubber plantation in 1910 Africa starring Walter Pidgeon and unforgettable Hedy Lamarr as a half-breed named Tondelayo. Oy, who could ever forget Tondelayo?!

As promised, here’s my review of Chicken Not, the freeze-dried texturized soy protein meat replacement mentioned in a previous post. When thrown into a pot of soup and rehydrated, Chicken Not is simultaneously soggy, chewy and virtually tasteless with a texture like a latex sponge. The only positive: it looks like chicken, which would be acceptable in the event you only want to stare at your soup but not actually EAT it. From now on the official favorite meal at Howdygram headquarters is pickles & low-carb biscuits, period.

Thank you for reading this. I mean it.

After four consecutive sleepless nights I wound up looking like Helena Bonham Carter.

I am overwhelmed. Today I was deluged with inquiries (okay, two) asking how come I stopped writing Howdygram posts last week and what the hell was wrong with me. Yesterday’s post probably should have been self-explanatory but in case I wasn’t clear, I’ll reiterate. I WAS EXCEPTIONALLY UNWELL. After four consecutive sleepless nights from the pain of diabetic neuropathy I wound up looking like Helena Bonham Carter, which scared the crap out of Sam and the entire population of north Texas.

You may be pleased to know that I’m considerably better now, no longer in any pain except for my arthritic knees, and I’ve been sleeping nicely at night again. I even made a beautiful batch of low-carb biscuits for dinner tonight — my favorite food next to Mongolian chicken — and still have enough leftover for my favorite idiotic bedtime snack, Bogus Donuts. Basically, you take a couple of leftover low-carb biscuits made from CarbQuik, slather them with Walden Farms zero-calorie jelly in the flavor of your choice and then dust them with granulated Splenda. If you close your eyes you can almost convince yourself that you’re eating a couple of bismarcks. I’m not joking.

Notice anything new about the Howdygram tonight? In a fit of wild graphic design fury I: 1) changed the accent color from pink to neon red; 2) updated the banner logo; 3) created new sidebar titles; and 4) that’s all. You’ll still run across assorted pink graphics embedded here and there throughout the blog because no sane person has the patience or motivation to examine 1,190 previous posts just to change a few color codes. However I did consider it briefly. Very briefly.

Sam is working all-night shifts this week from 4 p.m. to 4 a.m. through Friday. This leaves me with way too much free time and nobody to play with, but fortunately there are plenty of Doris Day movies on the DVR and April 5 is Melvyn Douglas Day on TCM.

Please make a note to record any or all of the following Melvyn Douglas movies, which start at 5:30 a.m. Central time on Friday: Prestige (1932) with Adolphe Menjou; The Vampire Bat (1933) with Fay Wray; Dangerous Corner (1935) with Virginia Bruce and Conrad Nagel; She Married Her Boss (1935) with Claudette Colbert; I’ll Take Romance (1937) with Grace Moore; Fast Company (1938) with Florence Rice; The Shining Hour (1938) with Joan Crawford; The Toy Wife (1938) with Luise Rainer and Robert Young; and Our Wife (1941) with Ruth Hussey. Personally, I can’t wait. Melvyn was one very cool dude.

Thank you for stopping by tonight. Please shut the light when you’re done, okay?

Biscuits & chicken goop deliver low-carb comfort food.

Here’s a new and speedy comfort food recipe of my own invention, featuring two of my favorite food groups: low-carb biscuits and goopy gravy!

To begin you have to make a batch of CarbQuik drop biscuits. This involves mixing ⅔ cup of water with 2 cups of CarbQuik until it forms a dough. (I use my bread machine for this. It takes about 90 seconds.) Divide the dough into six wads, drop onto an ungreased nonstick cookie sheet and flatten slightly. Bake for 13 minutes at 375°. Presto … YOUR BISCUITS HAVE ARRIVED!

While your biscuits are in the oven you can make the goop.

• 3 tablespoons butter or margarine
• ¼ cup rehydrated chopped onion
• ⅓ cup CarbQuik
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ¼ teaspoon pepper
• 2 cups chicken broth
• ½ cup unflavored Almond Breeze almond milk
• 2 boneless skinless chicken breasts, cubed
• 2 cups rehydrated freeze-dried mixed vegetables

In a nice pot simmer the cubed chicken and broth until the chicken is cooked, maybe about 10 minutes. In another nice pot heat the butter and rehydrated onion. Stir in the CarbQuik, salt and pepper until well-blended. Gradually add the broth, chicken and milk and stir until thick. Add the veggies. Heap everything on top of three CarbQuik biscuits. Refuse to share if necessary.

A couple of final thoughts. First, if you don’t have freeze-dried mixed vegetables you can substitute any cooked mixed vegetables. I use freeze-dried because I’ve got a pantry full of this excellent crapola from Shelf Reliance. Second, enjoy the leftover biscuits for a bedtime snack shmeared with low-carb Jok ’n Al blueberry fruit spread from New Zealand. You can pretend you’re eating jelly doughnuts.

I’m recruiting for a hit man to help me get even with tech support.

I thought I’d horse around with the Howdygram while I wait for the UPS delivery-of-a-lifetime. I’m expecting nine — NINE! — packages today from Amazon, including: 1) a case of Lowrey’s original flavor microwave bacon curls; 2) Dial NutriSkin body wash; 3) 12 bags of zero-calorie Miracle Rice; 4) a Norelco cordless razor for Sam; 5) a sack of nice disposable razors for yours truly; 6) six 32-oz. boxes of College Inn chicken broth; 7) a half-pound bag of xanthan gum powder; 8) an industrial-size carton of Imodium caplets; and 9) a bottle of Nature’s Bounty Co Q-10 extra-strength softgels. Holy crap!

In the event you’ve never heard of item 7, xanthan gum (pictured below) is a food thickener used in billions of commercially-sold products such as salad dressing, barbecue sauce, milkshakes, gravy and so on. Its benefit for me is the fact that it works these miracles with ZERO CARBS. A half-pound bag will probably last the rest of my life because a little goes a very long way. For instance, ⅛-teaspoon can thicken a pan of gravy and 3 teaspoons will turn an entire vat of soup into sludge. (I love sludge.) Stay tuned for additional details, okay?

Incidentally, I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday because I got sidetracked with a couple of client projects, such as a logo design and recreating an entire website that mysteriously disappeared from the Internet last week. My client almost had a cow while we waited five days for tech support Einsteins in three different departments to figure out what the hell happened. THEY NEVER DID. So yesterday I finally volunteered to re-upload the entire website from scratch, which took maybe two hours from start to finish.

I’m recruiting for a hit man to help me get even with tech support. Please send an email if you know anybody who’s interested in a quick buck and a trip to India. Thank you.

Tonight for dinner I’m making Marcy’s Deconstructed Chicken Pot Pie, a bizarre recipe of my own invention that almost sounds too good to be true. Basically, it’s three CarbQuik drop biscuits smothered in a gooey, zero-carb gravy with cut-up chicken and freeze-dried vegetables. I don’t know about you, but I think this crap sounds so awesome I might have to post the recipe so you can try it yourself.

Thank you for reading this.

Plantar fasciitis is an affliction from the pit of hell.

Sam is on the way to buy himself a couple of doughnuts, leaving me behind at Howdygram headquarters to recover from yet another low blood sugar incident and wax poetic about last night’s unforgettable dinner. I had a craving that ultimately manifested itself as a pile of homemade CarbQuik biscuits, raw onion and the cheapest dill pickle chips money can buy. It was a feast from heaven that clearly didn’t deliver enough carbs to balance the insulin I injected at dinnertime, because I woke up this morning with a reading of 52, which is at least 30 points too low.

The memory of biscuits and pickles will linger forever, though. I think I’ve discovered a new favorite meal!

On our agenda today is a nice drive in the country with lunch at the China House Buffet in Sulphur Springs. I’m having a major neuropathy flare-up in my left heel — plantar fasciitis is an affliction from the pit of hell — so there are very few options for frivolity right now. Sitting on my ass in the car for an hour followed by unlimited Chinese food seems to be the recommended therapy. I, for one, can’t wait.

It wasn’t my plan to write an entire post about eating things so I’ll end with a portrait of Benedict XVI, a retiree with hilarious hats who just announced he’s too pooped to Pope.

I’m thinking his replacement should be somebody a lot younger with more energy and crowd appeal. Maybe Johnny Depp or PeeWee Herman.

Thank you for reading this.

Behold a macular pucker.

There’s a ton of new crap to write about tonight from Howdygram headquarters! First, Sam was on vacation all week so we’ve been trying a number of new restaurants for lunch. Two that stand out were Mama’s Daughters’ Diner on the west side of Dallas and The Steak Angus here in Mesquite.

Mama’s Daughters’ Diner, pictured below, is a genuine southern diner with massive portions, career waitresses on the verge of Social Security and homemade gravy on everything. The Steak Angus, on the other hand, is a local redneck dive with beat-up décor, annoying service and exceptionally good food with so many discounts and specials you don’t know what to order first. With a little advance planning it’s probably possible to eat for free.

I also should mention the results of Sam’s routine eye exam on Wednesday, during which he learned there’s a decidedly non-routine problem with the retina in his right eye! The optometrist referred Sam to a retina specialist, who did some tests this morning and diagnosed a — ready for this? — MACULAR PUCKER, which is a layer of scar tissue or wrinkle on the surface of the retina. At last we know why Sam has had distorted vision in his right eye for the last couple of months.

Surgery is scheduled for February 22 and Sam also will be off work the entire week of February 25. On the plus side, however, he gets to hang out at home, wear an eye patch and play Pirates of the Caribbean. It could be worse, right?

Thought you might enjoy the following celebrity lookalikes courtesy of Biography.com. Show of hands ... is anybody besides me surprised that Kathy Bates is a dead ringer for William Howard Taft in drag? Holy crap.

It’s time for a late snack (low-carb biscuits with low-carb jelly on a low-carb paper plate) and probably a movie. Thank you for reading this.

Curly, Moe and Larry go to court.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday for one reason and one reason only: I just couldn’t get motivated. I’m still redesigning my Ovation Creative website and try to get back to it every time I have a couple of hours with nothing else to do, which actually happens a LOT around here. In-between I spent most of the afternoon involved in three additional worthwhile projects: 1) watching old movies; 2) taking a nap; and 3) eating.

One of the old movies was Dangerous Blondes (1943) starring Evelyn Keyes, Allyn Joslyn and former silent-era leading man Edmund Lowe. Dangerous Blondes is your typical “suspense comedy” — imagine The Thin Man series with a B-list cast and shitty script — that’s rated in our U-Verse cable guide with THREE AND A HALF STARS. That’s the same rating they give Ben-Hur and a half-star higher than Lawrence of Arabia. Holy mother of crap. Can they be serious?

In the national news today is another story about convicted pedophile and child molester Jerry Sandusky. You know, the evil cretin who’s currently serving 60 years in federal prison for repeatedly abusing 10 boys over a period of 15 years.

Sandusky’s defense team, pictured below, will be in court today in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, to launch an appeal that could — but certainly won’t — reverse his sentence and let him walk, and their reasons are borrowed from a Three Stooges script. Curly, Moe and Larry plan to argue that: 1) there was insufficient evidence to convict him; and 2) the court didn’t allow them enough time to prepare for trial after the prosecution flooded them with evidence.

Okay, so which is it? Insufficient evidence or TOO MUCH? To help me deal with the frustration I might have to make another batch of CarbQuik One-Step Biscuits this morning. This time I’m thinking about McDonald’s sausage biscuit knockoffs.

If you’d like to join me please send an email and let me know. You can either stop by before noon, after which they’ll certainly all be gone, or I’ll be glad to attach one to an email for you. Thank you for reading this.

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. But in a good way.

Here’s some great news. This post will NOT include recipes, food commentary or portraits of low-carb biscuits, lasagna or salmon patties. I promise.

I spent most of the day on Monday redesigning my Ovation Creative website. I’m finally making progress and I love the new look, but there’s so much work left to do that sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. But in a good way.

Even though they have the worst track record on earth and I’d be an idiot to believe them, the meteorologists lying sacks of poo at Weather.com are forecasting TWO STRAIGHT DAYS OF VERY HEAVY RAIN — three or more inches! — for drought-stricken north Texas starting today around noon. I’m looking forward to this, people. I never leave the house, anyway, unless it involves opening the door for Chinese food or a UPS delivery. It’s a full life. I’ll fill my time today with soup and a few good movies, and if anybody wants to come over and help me fold socks the party starts at 8 p.m. Click here to reserve your seat on the couch. Thank you in advance.

Holy crap, it’s 3 a.m. and I have to go to bed. Shut the light when you’re done here, okay?

Today’s menu includes hot wads of dough with butter.

Good morning, people! I just canceled my 10 a.m. haircut appointment for a couple of solid reasons: 1) it’s too cold outside; and 2) I don’t feel like wearing a brassiere. I didn’t bother to reschedule because the weather probably won’t warm up around here for at least another month. In the meantime I might have to cut my own bangs with a cuticle scissors. Stop laughing.

Here’s some breaking news from the Howdygram Test Kitchens … I made my first-ever batch of CarbQuik ONE-STEP BISCUITS last night! This was as easy as I’d hoped and they turned out just great even though I had to improvise a little because I don’t own a KitchenAid stand mixer with expensive attachments. So I dumped the water and CarbQuick into my bread machine instead, and 90 seconds later I had PERFECT BISCUIT DOUGH.

Here’s the recipe in case you’re interested. You need 2 cups of CarbQuik baking mix (it’s a low-carb knockoff of Bisquick) and ⅔ cup of water. Blend it into a nice soft ball of dough, drop the dough by spoonfuls onto an ungreased cookie sheet and bake for 12 or 13 minutes in a preheated 350° oven. They should turn out exactly like the picture below, although yours might look slightly different if you don’t own yellow plates. This recipe makes eight big biscuits with only 1.5 carbs each.

It’s my plan to make another batch today except this time with ¼ cup of shredded cheddar cheese added to the dough recipe and maybe a pinch of onion salt.

In case you’re wondering why I’m making such a gigantic hoo-hah about this, it’s because I have diabetes and haven’t been able to enjoy hot wads of dough with butter for years without getting into a panic about my blood sugar numbers. Holy crap. THIS IS HEAVEN. If I had a full-time job I would call in sick right now with a fake sore throat and spend the whole damn day eating biscuits in the family room! (If you think I’m kidding, you don’t know me very well.)

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.