Corn dogs, funnel cakes and pig races. It’s the Texas State Fair!

In this post: Everything you need to know about the Texas State Fair.

Come on down, y’all! The Texas State Fair opened yesterday here in Dallas and runs through October 20. While this technically means nothing much to Sam and me because we have no plans to go, the rest of Texas is having a collective cow about the state’s annual homage to corn dogs, funnel cakes and pig races.

Here’s what’s on the menu at the 2013 Texas State Fair.

The Texas State Fair kicks off one month from today, which means it’s time once again for the Big Tex Choice Award ... an annual hoo-hah that recognizes the year’s most creative fried food monstrosities. The actual taste-test competition will be held on Labor Day, but the Howdygram is pleased to offer a sneak peek at the Fair’s eight finalists for 2013 in case you can’t wait that long to find out what’s on the menu.

• AWESOME DEEP-FRIED NUTELLA®. Cream cheese and Nutella® are whipped and spread over flaky phyllo dough, rolled and fried. Served with honey and shaved almonds. My blood sugar just careened off the charts.
• DEEP-FRIED CUBAN ROLL. A filling of slow-cooked pork shoulder, chopped ham, Swiss cheese, pickles, and secret sauce is spread onto a slice of Swiss cheese, rolled up in pastry dough and deep-fried. Served with a side of majo sauce. Gahh.
• FERNIE’S DEEP-FRIED KING RANCH CASSEROLE. Melted cheese dipped in a zesty egg wash, coated in panko bread crumbs and deep-fried golden brown and crunchy. Served with a side of red, white, and blue tortilla chips and your choice of our homemade salsa sour cream or cheesy queso. Each one proudly flies the flag of the Lone Star State. Holy crap.
• FRIED THANKSGIVING DINNER. Homemade stuffing and diced turkey are rolled in a ball, dipped in southern cream corn and rolled in seasoned corn meal. Fried to a golden brown and served with giblet gravy. WTF. I like this!
• GOLDEN FRIED MILLIONAIRE PIE. Sweet, fluffy cream cheese filling loaded with golden pineapple and Texas pecans, wrapped in a pie crust and fried golden brown. Topped with whipped cream, toasted coconut and candied pecans. No. Just, no.
• SPINACH DIP BITES. Creamy spinach artichoke dip bites are coated with crispy tortilla chips and flash-fried. Served with salsa for an additional kick. Meh. Deep-fried artichoke dip?
• SOUTHERN STYLE CHICKEN-FRIED MEATLOAF. Slices of homemade meatloaf coated in authentic Texas chicken-fried batter and deep-fried. Served with garlic mashed potatoes, real cream gravy and a ketchup/brown sugar glaze dip. You know what? This one actually sounds NOT BAD!
• TEXAS FRIED FIREBALL. Pimento cheese, pickles, cayenne pepper and bacon rolled into a ball, dipped in buttermilk, covered with a jalapeño-infused batter and deep-fried. Served with a chipotle ranch dip. Pure Texas.

Tell your friends ... I’ve got the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week award! Our current honoree is none other than Pat Robertson, the jaw-dropping hate-monger, religious right troll and host of the Christian Broadcasting Network’s long-running horseshit prayerfest, “The 700 Club.” (Damn, I love that sentence!)

Robertson made the news today for a comment on television that gays are intentionally infecting heterosexual people with AIDS by cutting their fingers during handshakes using a special AIDS ring. These were his exact words to “The 700 Club” co-host Terry Meeuwsen: “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there they want to get people so if they got AIDS they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger. Really. It’s that kind of vicious stuff, which would be the equivalent of murder.”

Apparently this was even too shocking for the Christian Broadcasting Network — which Robertson co-founded in 1961 — because his remarks were deleted before the video of today’s episode appeared on the Internet. Note to CBN: It might be time to pull this batshit crazy fossil off the air.

And now for something completely different: THE WORLD’S CUTEST VIDEO THAT ISN’T A KITTEN. Here’s an adorable little toddler named Yerin who goes beserk when she sees her daddy on TV. Wouldn’t this be an awesome commercial for Skype?

Thank you for stopping by. I have to eat a lot of things now because I’m really hungry.

Another Frankenpizza from Asia.

It’s a cold, foggy Friday morning here at Howdygram headquarters. I keep playing with the idea of going back to bed for a while, but there’s not much point since I didn’t sleep very well last night and don’t especially want to start thrashing around again. So I’ll write a post instead. (Lucky you.)

Less than a week after writing about Pizza Hut Singapore’s picturesque “Double Sensation Pizza” (see post) I’m pleased to present the “Cheesy Opera Pizza” from Hong Kong, Pizza Hut’s frightening double-decker Frankenpizza that includes all of the following: “A twisted cheese crust base fully loaded with chicken, ham, beef, pork, tomato, oregano and red onion, topped with a smaller, thin-crust pizza with scallops, clam meat, peaches, mushrooms, red peppers and Japanese cucumber on pesto sauce with a drizzle of honey mustard.”

I’m sorry, people, but clams, peaches, pesto sauce and mustard are NOT a valid flavor profile, and it sounds more like a couple of stoners in Hong Kong decided to empty the refrigerator. Personally, I’ll stick with something a little more sophisticated: Loma Linda fake meat in a can.

Since I’m obviously writing a food-intensive Howdygram post I might as well throw in the following video clip. This is competitive eater Jamie “The Bear” McDonald plowing his way through the entire new Hobbit menu at Denny’s ... seven entrees, three desserts and a smoothie. Holy crap.

From our Only in Texas department comes the latest story about Big Tex, the Texas State Fair’s gigantic mascot statue that burned to a crisp back in October (see post). Apparently the State Fair’s P.R. Einsteins issued a Christmas letter from Big Tex to the general public, essentially ignoring the fact that he was fried beyond recognition down to his steel frame and suggesting instead that Tex is recovering at an upscale Texas spa (with Elvis!) and wants people to donate money to help defray the cost. Yes, there’s even a website.

It may (or may not, obviously) interest you to know that Big Tex got his start as a gigantic creepy Santa in Kerens, Texas, back in 1950. The State Fair bought him two years later and dressed him like a cowboy. That face is enough to scare the crap out of anybody.

And now I think I’ll shlep into the family room and wrap myself in an afghan. I’m FREEZING. Thank you for reading this.

The State Fair of Texas unveils “New Tex”.

In case you were wondering what happened to me yesterday, I was too busy doing practically nothing to write a Howdygram post. I’m really good at doing nothing. It’s an acquired skill. Over the years I’ve learned how to waste more time than an entire crew of streets & sanitation workers. Yesterday this included: 1) making a pot of Marcy’s Revolutionary Bean Soup; 2) two naps; 3) pondering laundry; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. At the moment it’s the wee hours of Sunday morning. Sam (the intelligent one) is sound asleep, and I’m in the study with TicTacs.

I love my life. I also love TicTacs.

There’s some late-breaking news from the Lone Star State this morning! Following the tragic fire on Friday that destroyed the Texas State Fair’s beloved mascot (see earlier post), the 2013 State Fair Organizing Committee has announced plans for “New Tex,” a replacement modeled after a local good ol’ boy — yup, it’s Sam! — with appropriate wardrobe and a LOT more personality than his predecessor. (His predecessor technically had the personality of driftwood.)

Sam and I watched a couple of powerful movies last night, back-to-back: A Face in the Crowd (1957) starring Andy Griffith and Patricia Neal, and Elmer Gantry (1960) with Burt Lancaster and Jean Simmons.

In A Face in the Crowd Andy Griffith is Lonesome Rhodes, a loud, penniless, ex-con country boy with a guitar who’s “discovered” by a publicist (Patricia Neal) and eventually pushed into instant celebrity with his own national TV show. Rhodes morphs into a soulless, power-hungry demagogue of the worst degree whose life turns to total crap at the end after he’s exposed for what he really is. Typical quote: “This whole country’s just like a flock of sheep. Rednecks, crackers, hillbillies, hausfraus, shut-ins, pea-pickers, everybody that’s gotta jump when somebody else blows the whistle. They’re mine! I own ‘em!”

Elmer Gantry is pretty much the identical story, except you get Burt Lancaster as a loud, penniless, ex-con vacuum cleaner salesman who ends up preaching at revival meetings. I don’t think he had a guitar.

I should try going back to bed. It’s almost 5:45 and Sam will freak out if I’m still awake when he gets up an hour from now. He’s going hiking at Lavon Lake this morning with a friend, two dogs, bottled water and a couple of Clif bars. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Lavon Lake, which is located in the middle of nowhere.

For the record, I don’t hike. Hell, I barely walk. Some days it takes every ounce of strength I’ve got just to make the bed and eat things. On the plus side, however, I still enjoy laundry, which is at the top of my “do” list today providing I get some sleep. Thank you for reading this and don’t forget to shut the lights when you’re done.

Little Buddy, the Skipper, Thurston Howell and Lovey are currently deceased.

While I sit here wondering if I’ll ever see Sam again (he’s working very, very late tonight) I thought I’d distract myself and screw around with the Howdygram for a while. To begin, here’s another installment of our Holy Crap Gallery!

In case you’re wondering who the hell are these people, they’re the only living cast members — Mary Ann, Ginger and the Professor — from “Gilligan’s Island,” a painfully stupid TV series that aired on CBS from 1964 through 1967. The entire original cast is assembled below for your possible interest. Little Buddy, the Skipper, Thurston Howell and Lovey are currently deceased. Ahoy, y’all.

As long as I’m posting all this absurd baloney, here’s today’s best reason why you shouldn’t vote for Mitt Romney.

Pursuant to the lead story in my last post concerning the Texas State Fair’s mascot holocaust at the fairgrounds this morning, local weirdo artist Clay Stinnett spent all day today adding flames to his collection of Big Tex oil paintings so he can unload them tomorrow at the Double Wide Flea Market in Dallas. On a personal level, I think Stinnett’s work is disturbing and grisly, particularly the painting on the right with the corn dogs. Rest in peace, Tex!

Thank you for reading this. Please excuse me while I shoot insulin and watch TV.

Big Tex is toast. Seriously.

Holy crap and glorioski! Tell your friends! I WON A $50 SCHWAN’S GIFT CARD TODAY! A few months ago Schwan’s figured out I had too much time on my hands and invited me to join their Customer Connection focus group and share my opinions on a wide variety of mostly meaningless topics, such as do I think more noodles would improve their Beef Goulash — for the record, I suggested more beef — and please rate our Pot Roast on a scale from 1 to 10. Every month the company rewards a couple of focus group volunteers with $50 gift cards, and today it was my turn. This is so exciting I can’t stand it. FREE FOOD!

I’ve got sad and breaking news from Texas tonight. BIG TEX IS TOAST. Seriously. The beloved mascot of the Texas State Fair burned to a crisp this morning due to crappy electrical wiring in his boot. Big Tex, who was certifiably strange and goony, stood at the entrance to the fairgrounds in south Dallas and frightened fairgoers for 60 years. I can only imagine how the sight of a five-story dummy in flames will add to that legacy.

I’m noshing on a fun and exciting snack as I write this post! I refer to Lowrey’s Pork Rinds, which come in little bags like microwave popcorn and all you do is nuke them for 90 seconds until they puff up like big pillows. These things are AMAZING as a salty/crunchy snack food for low-carb dieters like me. One bag gives you 10 grams of protein with only 1 carb and 2 grams of unsaturated fat. In the salty-crunchy universe, that’s pretty damn wonderful. Although nothing will EVER take the place of Cheetos.

Incidentally, you can order Lowrey’s Pork Rinds from Amazon ... a carton of 18 bags is $18.99 with your choice of hot & spicy or regular. (I bought the hot & spicy. They’re pretty tame.)

I’m having fake meat in a can for dinner tonight if you’d like to join me. The complete menu will include a large quantity of Saucettes browned in a frying pan, a nice little pile of leftover vegetables and pork rinds for dessert because I forgot to make pudding. Please RSVP here.

Thank y’all for reading this.

Pigs, skeeters and sexpots.

I’ve got some breaking news for y’all from Howdygram headquarters! The 2012 Texas State Fair swung open its gates about an hour ago ... but not without a measure of impending doom and controversy.

Impending Doom Prediction #1. Children’s Medical Center in Dallas says there’s a SWINE FLU THREAT this year and medical experts are warning fairgoers — especially children and senior citizens — not to eat or drink around pigs. 

For the record, it’s almost impossible to avoid pigs at the State Fair. You’ve got pig races, pork exhibits, pig acrobats, hog judging and all those long lines at the chocolate-covered bacon booth!

Impending Doom Prediction #2. If that’s not enough to scare the crap out of you, fairgoers are also being warned about the danger of WEST NILE VIRUS at dusk and early evening since Fair Park has a number of lovely but potentially-infested fountains, pools and retention ponds. We have all been encouraged to learn that intense aerial shpritzing and ground abatement efforts in August failed to eradicate any of the city’s population of killer mosquitos.

I have the answer. Everybody should just stay home or plan a day-trip to the Choctaw Casino for pea salad and sugar-free pie. (I vote for door number two.)

At present Sam has taken our Saturn for its 2012 state inspection sticker — same as a “smog check” for those of you in California — and as soon as he gets home we’ll finish watching a movie we started last night: White Cargo (1942) with Hedy Lamarr, Richard Carlson and Walter Pidgeon. The plot? An intense and sweaty hate-fest among a group of intoxicated men who live and work at an African rubber plantation, with everybody competing for half-dressed Hedy Lamarr, who plays a manipulative local sexpot named Tondelayo. Sample hate-fest dialog appears below. (The part of Harry Witzel is played by Walter Pidgeon.)

Wilbur Ashley: “The natives have been looking at me lately in a queer sort of way.”
Harry Witzel:   “Maybe they’re wondering how you can walk without a spine.”

Thanks for stopping by. Say hi to the family for me, okay?

Meet “Big Tex,” the Texas State Fair’s mascot, scaring the crap out of people since 1952.

Yo, people. Sam is still sick. He went back to bed around 9:30, and bed is a damn good place for him to be. Since I don’t want to turn on the TV and disturb him I thought I’d spend a little time horsing around with the Howdygram. I’ve even got a vanilla phosphate and six different slot machine games on my iPad to keep me company. In case you’re interested, a vanilla phosphate — which tastes like cream soda — is made with 10 pumps of DaVinci sugar-free vanilla syrup and a 12-oz. can of cold seltzer. We’ve got an entire pantry full of these amazing DaVinci things in all of our favorite flavors, including banana, pineapple, peach, watermelon, raspberry, blueberry, chocolate, lime, root beer and strawberry! ENOUGH TO MAKE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PHOSPHATES!

If you want to buy some of these for yourself I recommend Netrition.com because they carry every DaVinci flavor imaginable with cheapo flat-rate shipping no matter how many bottles you buy. (Be sure to order a bunch of syrup pumps, too. They screw on.)

Yee-haw! The State Fair of Texas — still the largest state fair in the United States — will be open September 28 through October 21 at Fair Park in Dallas, just in case you’re planning to be in town for this huge and festive hoo-hah. Regular gate admission is $16 for adults and $12 for children and seniors, but there are several excellent discount specials that might interest you.

• Seniors get in FREE on Thursdays.
• On Wednesdays bring three cans of food as a donation to area food banks and admission is just $2 courtesy of Kroger. Yay Kroger!
• Bring an empty Dr. Pepper can on Tuesdays to get in for only $5. Belch at the ticket counter for a free bag of popcorn. (Just kidding.)

Pictured below is “Big Tex,” the State Fair’s mascot, who stands five stories tall and scares the crap out of everybody at the main gate booming “HOWDY! WELCOME TO THE STATE FAIR OF TEXAS!” in a voice that reminds me of the Jolly Green Giant. (Does anybody remember those commercials?) Big Tex gets a new outfit every five years. He weighs 6,000 pounds, his hat is 75 gallons, his boots stand more than seven feet tall and his pants inseam is 200 inches. Holy crap, that’s one gigantic dude. Do you think he’s anatomically correct?

I’m tired tonight so I think I’ll just wrap up this post, do my nightly insulin injection (oh boy!) and join Sam in dreamland. Thank you for reading this.

Too bad I can’t order us some cooler weather from Amazon. They sell everything else.

Let’s start with a quick review of today’s lunch excursion, the Blue Goose Cantina in Addison, where Sam and I dined on dry, microwaved leftovers (rock-hard tamales for Sam, rubbery chicken enchiladas for me). And that was the good part! Our waitress, who never bothered to introduce herself (no kidding), was abrupt to the point of being RUDE. Although the restaurant was barely one-third full when we got there at 11:30 she delivered our check with the entrees and never spoke to us again except to ask “Is everything all right?” before we even had a chance to taste the food. And then came the big HOLY CRAP FAUX PAS when Sam handed her the little leather folder with our money inside and she asked if he wanted change. VERY BAD MOVE. If I don’t want change, I’ll tell YOU. Bring back my money, Einstein!

To their credit, however, the Blue Goose had good salsa and cloth napkins. (Big deal.)

As a follow-up to my recent post about this year’s fried food competition for vendors at the 2012 Texas State Fair, the Howdygram would like to congratulate the winners of the Big Tex Choice Awards. Abel Gonzales, who won the Best Taste award, created Deep-Fried Jambalaya; Butch Benavides won Most Creative for Fried Bacon Cinnamon Rolls. They posed below for a publicity photo earlier today although I have no idea which one is Gonzales and which one is Benavides. I’d like to express my thanks to the Dallas Observer for their fine reporting. The State Fair opens on September 28,

For your possible interest the following is a list of additional new food offerings that didn’t make it into the finals:

• Cup of Trash. Pinto beans, northern beans, burger meat and rice topped with onions, cheese and tomatoes. Isn’t this really just leftovers?
• Deep-Fried Baked Potato. Crispy fried French fries wrapped in foil, split open and filled with butter, cheese, sour cream, chives and bacon bits. Beef and barbecue sauce are optional. Huh?
• Deep-Fried Chicken and Waffles. Chicken breast dipped in waffle batter, fried and dusted with sugar. On a stick. 

I feel sick.
• Deep-Fried Red Velvet Cupcake. Red velvet cupcake filled with cream cheese, fried, covered with more frosting and topped with a fried chicken wing. Now I REALLY feel sick. Who the hell eats chicken and frosting?
• El Dogito on a Stick. Spicy sausage with cheese and jalapeños, wrapped in a tortilla and fried. Not bad.
• Fried Cotton Candy. Pink cotton candy lightly battered with funnel cake mix,  quick-fried and dusted with powdered sugar. And drizzled with insulin.
• Fried Cow Patty. They didn’t really fry poop. It’s fried chocolate cake batter with chocolate pudding and chocolate whipped cream. So it will intentionally look like poop but won’t taste like poop. Thank God.
• Fried Sugar. Sugar cubes are dipped in pancake batter, fried and doused with caramel sauce. There’s just no end to this, is there?
• Chocolate Candy-Coated Bacon. Fried bacon dipped in chocolate and rolled in candy sprinkles. When did bacon become the god of everything? I don’t get it.

Gourmet food options aside, here are four significant reasons why I will NOT be going to this year’s State Fair:

1. Dallas County is still worried about West Nile virus and mosquito infestation at the fairground’s lagoons.
2. Dengue fever, also carried by mosquitoes, is migrating north from Mexico.
3. Swine flu is making a comeback! Elderly fairgoers — I guess I’m in this category now — and very young children are being warned to steer clear of livestock exhibits.
4. Parking sucks.

One final thought. We’re still in the middle of an unwelcome early fall heat wave here in north Texas, as evidenced by Weather.com’s forecast through Friday:

Too bad I can’t order us some cooler weather from Amazon. They sell everything else. Thank you for reading this.

Tater tots and dill pickles ... breakfast of champions!

I just woke up from the nap of a lifetime … two hours of UNINTERRUPTED HEAVEN that included no stupid robo-calls and nobody knocking on the front door with a delivery from Amazon. As a matter of fact, I feel so damn good right now I think I might bake Pillsbury sugar-free brownies for Sam to show my appreciation for this morning’s mattress-turning event (see previous post).

In breaking news today from the Lone Star State is the story of Bill Bohlke, 65, mayor of Hollywood Park in south Texas, who was attacked and killed by an aggressive donkey on his ranch. Chief Deputy David “Barney Fife” Soward of the county sheriff’s department told the Associated Press that donkeys “can become very mean, sometimes triggered by a female in heat.” Yeah, right. It’s always a woman’s fault. “We’ll probably never know what triggered it,” Soward continued, “but it was evident this particular donkey was involved based on what we saw on this donkey.” Was he wearing Mayor Bill’s favorite hat? Hollywood Park is a small town north of San Antonio. Photos of Bohlke and the donkey appear below.

Mark your calendars! The 2012 Texas State Fair will be open for business from September 28 through October 21 at Fair Park in Dallas. And Labor Day weekend marks the Fair’s annual deep-fried food fight competition, where winning a Big Tex statuette for Best Taste or Most Creative is a huge hoo-hah for the vendors because it creates a ton of guaranteed media buzz and long lines of fat customers with heart conditions. This year’s entries, according to an official State Fair press release, include all of the following:

• Chicken-Fried Cactus Bites. Hand-picked prickly pear cactus pads, chicken battered and deep fried. Served with secret-recipe jalapeño ranch and agave nectar dipping sauce. Holy crap.
• Deep-Fried Divine Chocolate Tres Leches Cake. A slice of chocolate tres leches cake soaked in buttermilk batter and fried. Topped with a sprinkle of cinnamon, whipped cream, fresh strawberry slices, peaches and syrup. Fried cake? Seriously?
• Deep-Fried Jambalaya. A State Fair spin on a Cajun classic! “From scratch” jambalaya is created using shrimp, cajun sausage and seasonings, then coated in seasoned flour and fried to golden perfection. Served with a side of “made in house” spicy ranch dressing. I have trouble visualizing this one. Isn’t jambalaya a sauce?
• Deep-Fried Mac-N-Cheese Slider. Three-cheese mac-n-cheese is baked until golden brown, battered in bread crumbs, deep-fried until crisp and placed on a slider bun with a griddled beef patty. A Southern-style invention that almost calls for a rocking chair and a front porch! Also paramedics.

• Fried Bacon Cinnamon Roll. Fresh cinnamon roll dipped in a special sweet pancake batter, dredged in crumbled bacon, deep-fried and dusted with powdered sugar. It’s a main course and dessert all in one! Pass the Pepto Bismol.
• Fried Mexican Fire Crackers. A yummy, spicy chicken, cheese and jalapeño mix wrapped in fresh-made masa dough and deep fried to a crispy crunchy. Served with fiery TNT sauce. No kidding, I might actually try this one.
• Fried Pork Wings. This juicy morsel is slow cooked for six hours then deep-fried, rolled and tossed in a smoked bacon chipotle glaze. Accompanied by homemade potato chips. What’s next ... unicorn ribs?
• Picnic on a Stick. Pieces of spicy fried chicken on a skewer alternated with tater tots and dill pickles, dipped in batter, rolled in bread crumbs, and fried until golden brown. Comes with your choice of barbecue sauce, ranch or honey mustard dressing. Ants not included. Tater tots and dill pickles ... breakfast of champions!

Now that I’m sufficiently nauseated I think I’ll go watch an Ingrid Bergman movie. Gaslight (1944) just started on TCM co-starring Charles Boyer and Joseph Cotten. Thank you for reading this!

New this year: chocolate-covered bread with sea salt, whipped cream and potato chips. Seriously.

I can’t sleep (again) so I thought I’d waste some time thinking and writing about food I know I’ll never be able to eat. The following photos — courtesy of the 2012 Orange County Fair in California — probably fall into the category of “food porn.”

Never to be outdone, the 2012 Texas State Fair is still two months away but organizers are already advertising their list of cardiovascular monstrosities. On this year’s menu are the following new concoctions:

• Deep-Fried Biscuits and Gravy. A flaky biscuit filled with gravy is dunked in batter and deep-fried. It’s the breakfast of champions, y’all. 
• Heavenly Deep Fried Brownie. A bite-sized brownie battered and deep-fried, dusted with powdered sugar and served with chocolate-cherry syrup. Ooh!
• Fried Batter-Dipped Tamales. A new twist on a Mexican favorite with twice the fat and cholesterol. No thanks. 
• Deep-Fried Southern Hospitality. Seasoned pork, collard greens, and corn bread shaped into a cone and deep-fried. Served on a stick. No thanks FOR SURE.
• Double Fried Chicken Breast Taco. Breaded home-style chicken breast wrapped and refried in a flour tortilla. Served hot with cream gravy or jalapeño ranch dressing. Meh.
• Praline Sweet Potato Poppers. Mashed sweet potatoes blended with a mixture of butter, brown sugar, brandy, chopped pecans, ginger and marshmallows. Dipped in sweet batter, deep-fried and doused with powdered sugar. Holy crap.
• Fernie’s Deep-Fried “Whole Lotta Chocolatta.” Two slices of Italian bread stuffed with dark chocolate, dipped in egg wash, coated with bread crumbs and deep-fried. Served with a side of potato chips, sprinkled with sea salt and drizzled with a hard white and milk chocolate shell. Topped with milk chocolate whipped cream. (If 21, served with a glass of chocolate wine.) I’ve got a problem with the concept here. Is this actually chocolate-covered bread with sea salt, whipped cream and potato chips? And what the hell is chocolate wine?
• Fried Pecan Caramel Candy. Caramel squares dipped in chocolate batter and deep-fried. Topped with pecan caramel sauce. Sam would eat this.
• Deep-Fried Chicken Skin. Available mild or hot & spicy. Seasoned, battered and deep-fried until crisp. Holy crap again.
• Deep-Fried Cake Balls. A crumbled cake ball blended with chocolate or vanilla frosting, dipped in batter and fried. Topped with whipped cream, powdered sugar and chocolate syrup.
 Somebody please call 911.
• Fried Loaded Baked Potato. A Texas version of loaded baked potatoes in one crunchy bite. Includes bacon, cheese, green onions, sour cream and butter. Rolled, battered, deep-fried and drizzled with brown gravy. Gravy? We don’t need no stinkin’ gravy.

I think I just gained 15 pounds. Maybe I’d better try going back to bed now.

Comic Con. A bunch of delusional middle-aged dudes in masks, capes and tights.

I probably should have included this in my last post, but here’s a perfect reason why NOT to attend Comic Con in Dallas or anywhere else: it’s overrun with middle-aged Einsteins in masks, capes and tights. Gouge my eyes out.

In other local news, Christi Erpillo has announced that her booth at the Texas State Fair this year will feature — get ready — DEEP-FRIED SAMOA COOKIES in honor of the Girl Scouts’ 100th anniversary.

Miss Erpillo says she experimented with the recipe for months until she hit on the perfect way to deep-fry the Samoa between two wonton wrappers. (I don’t know why she’s smiling. It sounds disgusting.)

I think I’d like gefilte fish and horseradish before I go to bed tonight. I love this stuff. Thank you for putting up with me.

A strange state of affairs.

Tuesday was a mighty weird day. I’ll begin by announcing that David flew back to Los Angeles yesterday — TWO DAYS EARLY — but it had nothing at all to do with Howdygram hospitality, the excellent accommodations or our packed refrigerator. Read on for all the details.

First, we had a top-notch visit to the Choctaw Casino on Monday, where we enjoyed their massive buffet of above-average food, David played poker and Sam won a mind-blowing payout — $54 on a 30¢ investment — from a very lucky penny slot machine that also blasted calypso music loud enough to make Sam turn red. For dinner we took David to Saltgrass Steakhouse. In addition to eating some really nice food we also had a chance to watch the Rangers beat the Tigers with an 11th inning GRAND SLAM HOME RUN. I don’t know which was better — the game or my steak sandwich. (Okay. The steak sandwich.)

Sam and David did the Texas State Fair on Tuesday without me. I had a last-minute change of heart and decided it would be too much shlepping for a creaky senior with a cane and an attitude. The guys apparently had a blast, however, and saw historical Civil War exhibits, the crazy midway with people flying around on contraptions, sat in several hundred overpriced cars at the auto show, walked through the Hall of Crap where you can buy all those essential slicers, dicers and miracle knives you see on TV, and watched a few blue ribbon “domestic arts” competitions. Sam said they both stayed away from exotic fried food monstrosities. This was a smart move since nobody wants to get sick on chicken-fried bacon or a wad of deep-fried bubble gum in the middle of the fairgrounds.

And now everything goes completely kablooey. About half an hour after Sam and David got home from the Fair I receive a strange phone call from the Los Angeles police department asking for David. HIS HOUSE HAD JUST BEEN BURGLARIZED. I have no idea how the police found our phone number, but David decided he’d better go home right away so we call American Airlines, change his return ticket and drive him to the airport in time for a 7:45 p.m. flight back to Burbank. This all happens so fast I still expect to see him sitting at Sam’s computer with a yogurt. I’ll post an update after we hear from David in a couple of days, so stay tuned.

I hope these damn criminals wind up on “America’s Most Wanted” for wrecking a perfectly wonderful vacation. Thank you for reading this.

Fair game.

On the slim chance this might be important to you I thought I’d include the Dallas Observer’s handy fried food map for the Texas State Fair. I realize the image below is too teeny to be very helpful so CLICK HERE for a larger version.

For all you foodies out there I’m pleased to introduce a couple of interesting new Texas State Fair dining options that didn’t actually win any awards. First, I don’t know what the hell is stuffed inside that beautiful Bacon-Wrapped Flour Tortilla (see below) but as long as it’s not bubble gum I’m positive I want to eat this — and it’s even on a STICK. Corn Dog Pizza, on the other hand, looks pretty revolting and will probably attract a pre-school crowd. (The same age group that’s throwing a tantrum for Make-Your-Own Slurpees.)

And here’s an official portrait of the Deep-Fried Biscuits and Gravy when it posed for the State Fair yearbook last month. I seriously want to eat THIS, too.

One last item on the subject of football. Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was elected MVP by the Detroit Lions yesterday after allowing three agonizing fourth-quarter interceptions that turned the Cowboys’ 24-point lead into a 34-30 loss. Below is a photo of Romo reacting to his epic failure. The game was so depressing that Sam and I almost fell asleep eating our mozzarella sticks.

I’m going back to bed now. Thank you for reading this.

The biggest hoo-hah of the year.

It’s finally here — the 125th Texas State Fair opens tomorrow and runs through October 23. The weird doofus in the yellow cowboy hat (see below) is Big Tex, who stands 50 feet tall and scares you half to death at the main entrance.

Admission is $14.50 per person or $12.50 for children and seniors. On the odd chance that you’re planning to attend and haven’t mentioned it to us yet, the Howdygram would like you to note the following fabulous ADMISSION DISCOUNTS.

• Opening Day. Bring any Coca Cola product and get in for $5 per person.
• Senior Day. Admission is free on Thursdays if you’re 60 and over. Show your cane for a discount ride on the Texas Star ferris wheel.
• Dr. Pepper Tuesdays. On Tuesdays bring an empty Dr. Pepper can and get in for $4.
• Coke Thursdays. Bring an empty 20 oz. bottle of Coke on Thursdays and get in for $5.
• Cinemark Thursdays. Show a ticket stub from Cinemark Theaters and get in free on Thursdays. 
• Kroger Canned Food Drive. On Wednesdays admission is $2 for each visitor bringing three cans of food for the North Texas Food Bank. (Please, no canned unicorn meat, sauerkraut or spotted dick. Even desperate people have their standards.)

For the record, we’re planning to attend on Tuesday, October 11, with Sam’s brother David and three empty Dr. Pepper cans.

And now, at last, it’s time to watch “Project Runway” and eat dinner. Thank you for reading this.

Pass the kleenex.

I really have nothing exciting to write about at daybreak on a quiet Wednesday morning, but since having nothing to say has never stopped me before I thought I’d post something anyway.

Sam is still asleep. I should be, too, except I woke up SNEEZING about 45 minutes ago and figured it was probably fall allergies. Our annual pollen extravaganza is underway in Texas right now. Let me know if you’d like to attend the festivities and I’ll put sheets on the bed in the guest room. Bring your own Sudafed.

The Texas State Fair — nine days and counting! Sam and I didn’t go last year or the year before because I was rendered immobile by a variety of ailments that made it nearly impossible to walk. This year, though, life is much different. Even if I don’t have the stamina to shlep around for HOURS, I should be able to enjoy the State Fair without hailing an ambulance to get home.

The State Fair is a hoot. I think the number one attraction is the FOOD, because in Texas if you can catch it and deep-fry it, it’s perfect for the Fair. And you get extra credit if it’s on a stick. I personally LOVE food on a stick.

Aside from eating there are plenty of other State Fair activities for the entire family, including wine tasting, funnel cakes, dancing Dobermans, storytime for kids, puppet shows, acrobats, parades, racing pigs, bumper cars and celebrity chefs. Do NOT miss the pie judging, your chance to pet a llama, harvest crops for cheese and crackers and spin a wheel for free powdered sugar donuts. You can also visit the State Fair Crapola Buildings (my designation) to shop for every “As Seen On TV” product that’s ever been seen on TV, such as Ginsu knives, Thighmaster exercisers, Ronco vertical chicken rotisseries, electronic litter boxes and Space Bags, all offered for sale by a bunch of hucksters doing their best Billy Mays imitations.

For me, the Crapola Buildings are the best part of the Fair even though Sam has to drag me — and my credit cards — away from every booth. A good sales pitch leaves me limp, sort of like consumer sex.

And on that cheery note I guess I’ll try heading back to bed for a while. Thank you for reading this.

Scams and Einsteins.

This post features our first-ever three-way Einstein Award for your possible amusement. Read on.

Einstein #1. Here’s a new twist. With AT&T U-Verse service our big-screen plasma TV conveniently turns into a gigantic caller ID whenever the phone rings. Yesterday afternoon it rang during the Cowboys game and “Scam Caller” was the name that popped up. Sam and I officially want to thank AT&T for their accurate identification. We didn’t pick up the phone and the Einstein who called us didn’t leave a message.

Einstein #2. When we bought our furniture yesterday at Haverty’s we had an opportunity to squeeze out of two potential scam add-on charges. The first was their Guardsman Protection Plan for $299.95 that treats your new upholstered furniture with a secret formula and protects it from paint, crayons, marker, gum, mud, bleach, pet pee-pee, Cheez Whiz, glue, eyeliner, nail polish and strained beets — all the evil stains that two senior citizens like us might experience watching an old William Powell movie. After we politely declined, our sales associate turned into an instant Einstein when she said, “If you don’t want the Guardsman Plan you might want to buy a can of the same spray that we use for $9.99.”

As an addendum to the previous paragraph, the second scam was Haverty’s $169.95 delivery charge. I’m sorry, but when you spend more than three grand on furniture from a store that’s five minutes from home Sam and I think delivery should be FREE. Apparently Haverty’s has a different slant on this, however, because the more you spend, the more they charge you. Sam flipped out and announced that we’d cancel the order unless they dropped our delivery charge to $50. He won.

Einstein #3. One final Einstein story. Just in case Fried Butter, Chicken-Fried Bacon and Deep-Fried Bubble Gum isn’t enough to implode your arteries, this year there’s a new food vendor at the Texas State Fair named Phuong Le who’s planning to sell Deep-Fried CHICKEN SKIN. You know, the slimy, fat-coated poison that normal people throw in the garbage because it can KILL you. Colonel Sanders is barfing in his grave.

I think it’s time for a very late lunch because my stomach is making noise. On the other hand, maybe it’s just reacting to the concept of Deep-Fried Chicken Skin. Thank you for reading this.

A Wednesday to remember.

For the first time in recent memory — more than three months! — the sky is actually HEAVILY OVERCAST here and we’ve had a trace of rain. Sam sat out on the patio for a while before lunch today and said the chaise lounge was slightly clammy and he thought he felt a drop. For Texas, this is really huge news that’s worthy of a full paragraph in the Howdygram. And this was it.

FYI, there’s a 30% chance of isolated thunderstorms for the next several days and a 40% chance next Monday. Nobody is holding their breath.

And now, for your possible interest, I would like to share the details of today’s online spending spree. I bought a new “oversized” microsuede king-size comforter set for the master bedroom from BrylaneHome that coordinates with the new monogrammed towels I got earlier this year for the master bath. I’d been searching for the perfect set for MONTHS, and this, dear readers, is the one:

What I like best about this comforter (aside from the fabric) is the SIZE, because it’s 110" x 96" and big enough to cover the massive new mattress we bought six months ago. If you check king-size comforter dimensions on most websites they’re usually no more than 102" x 88". This, in my view, is EXTREMELY CHEESY.

Today’s shopping extravaganza also included a monogrammed garden flag for the front yard. I’ve wanted one since we moved into our house back in 2007 but never got around to actually shopping for it. Please check out this very cute website — JustForFunFlags.com. They’ve got hundreds of different flags, wind socks, goofy garden stakes, flag poles, flag stands and FREE SHIPPING. Everybody loves free shipping.

And finally, for the gourmets among you, I am pleased to offer the following new do-it-yourself food trend here in the southern United States — KOOL-AID PICKLES.

According to an article I just read on the Dallas Observer’s website these are really easy to make at home for your family and friends just in case you actually know people who would EAT this weird crap. All you need is a one-gallon jar of dill pickles (think Costco), a pound of sugar and a package of unsweetened Kool-Aid, preferably cherry or lemon-lime. Then you take the pickles out of the jar, mix the Kool-Aid and sugar into the pickle juice, put the pickles back, seal the jar and refrigerate for a week. I personally find this to be a nauseating recipe, but apparently Kool-Aid pickles are so popular they even have their own booth at the Texas State Fair. The only positive feature — AT LEAST THEY AREN’T DEEP-FRIED. (Yet.) Thank you for reading this.

Folding parties and stadium tours.

Here’s what you’ve all been waiting for! I finally found a photo of the Walking Taco, one of this year’s new featured foods at the Texas State Fair. Unfortunately, I have no idea why anybody would think this image is a smart marketing idea because IT LOOKS LIKE THE CONTENTS OF A BARF BAG.

Welcome to laundry day here at Howdygramland. I’ve just started Load Number Two, which consists of a mountain of white socks and kitchen towels. Load Number Three, for those of you who may be interested, will be loungewear, tee shirts, shorts and dark socks. If you’d like to come over for a Tuesday afternoon folding party please bring Cheetos, a seedless watermelon or a snack of your choice. Thank you.

Sam and I have been planning a fun Texas-themed agenda for his brother David’s visit next month. So far our activities will include a driving tour of Dallas, dinner at our favorite Texas steakhouse, a trip to the WinStar Casino in Oklahoma, a day at the Texas State Fair, several home-cooked meals and — last but not least — reserved tickets for an exceptionally cool VIP tour of Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, which includes running onto the field to get pictures of the world’s largest jumbotron, access to the players’ and cheerleaders’ locker rooms, private suites, media press boxes, the post-game interview room and the official Cowboys Stadium Pro Shop. The VIP tour is a huge hoo-hah and I know Sam and David will love it.

I just realized I forgot to eat lunch today. Maybe I’d better do this immediately so I don’t pass out. Thanks for stopping by.

Saturday noodles and other topics of interest.

First and foremost, since Sam is still in bed — and sound asleep — I’d like to take this opportunity to wish myself a very happy wedding anniversary. Sam and I are the perfect match. We met in 2002, got married in 2006 and WE’VE NEVER HAD AN ARGUMENT.

Last night Sam and I discussed a celebration lunch at Royal China in Dallas because they have terrific food and we also love the Noodle Dude’s floor show (see below), which includes swinging huge ribbons of dough all over the dining room. I’m actually hungry enough to go RIGHT NOW, but the sun isn’t up yet and I’d be there six hours early. Maybe I’ll just get a yogurt from the refrigerator.

A few days ago the grand prize winners were announced for this year’s Big Tex Choice Awards — the Texas State Fair’s annual fried food competition (see my post from August 31). Allan Weiss took home the Best Taste title with his Fried Buffalo Chicken in a Flapjack — blecch! — and Justin Martinez won Most Creative for his Deep-Fried Bubble Gum (see photo below). According to several judges the latter was sticky, stringy, stretchy, nauseatingly sweet, inedible to anybody older than six and altogether GROSS. Apparently it’s acceptable for Most Creative also to be Most Disgusting. Personally, I think Deep-Fried Bubble Gum looks like My Little Pony poop. (Sorry, Hasbro.)

I’m diabetic. Next year maybe somebody will invent Deep Fried Splenda for the insulin crowd.

I think I’ll sneak back into bed now and annoy Sam for a couple of hours. More later.