We’re planning a road trip.

There’s breaking news this morning from our Let’s Get Marcy Out of the House department. WE’RE PLANNING A ROAD TRIP! This time Sam wants to head west to the Rocky Mountains, which is fine with me because mountains are entertaining and attractive, and I’m always excited to go damn near anywhere. Since I don’t have the wherewithal to hike or engage in any mountain-inspired outdoor activities, I promised Sam I’d bring along a sack of crunchy things and a couple of books and hang out near the car so he can shlep up and down various trails as much as he wants. And then we’ll go to a restaurant.

Unexpected storms are heading our way today. They’ve stopped for breakfast in southern Oklahoma and should arrive in the Dallas area within the next couple of hours. So far I have no idea if we’re expecting substantial rain from this event or not, but any amount of free water is welcome around here because Texas is still stuck in a drought. The red star on the following map indicates Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. If you zoom in, I’m the senior citizen in the blue robe waving her cane. Wave back if you want to, okay?

Sam will be home from the supermarket in a few minutes, which is a good thing because I’ve had an insane craving for a large volume of lunch meat — specifically, Hillshire Farm super-thin chicken breast, pictured below for your possible interest. This is actually one of my tamer cravings, since I usually I go for a crazy explosion of flavor, such as: 1) chocolate soy milk, Mexican Velveeta and green olives; and 2) pickles and biscuits.

Let me know if you want to stop by for a snack today because visitors are welcome with advance reservations. Thank you.

This has been a night of frightening food cravings.

That movie I watched last night — Sincerely Yours (1955) starring Liberace and Dorothy Malone — was FABULOUS. Maybe I’m just a sucker for Liberace, but I’ve always thought he was hilarious, genuine and entertaining as hell. I saw him in concert at the Las Vegas Hilton in 1980, back when he dressed in pink fox fur and arrived on stage in a glittered Rolls Royce. Here’s a clip of Liberace from Sincerely Yours for your possible interest. (He was still pretending to be “straight” in those days.)

This has been a night of frightening food cravings. My dinner, which lasted almost two hours, included (in this exact order): 1) hot & sour soup; 2) chia seed pudding; 3) jalapeño shrimp from China City; and 4) Beanit Butter and apricot jelly on low-carb toast smothered with Splenda. I’ll consider it a miracle if I’m not throwing up by midnight.

WTF? George Zimmerman was found NOT GUILTY. American justice is insane.

I don’t think I can write any more tonight. My head hurts, my feet hurt, I’m having a spasm in my left hand and I think I need to watch something funny on TV. Maybe White Cargo (1942), a hilarious drama about hateful men working at a sweaty African rubber plantation at the turn of the 20th century starring Walter Pidgeon, Richard Carlson and — last but not least — Hedy Lamarr as a spray-painted, sex-starved native tart named Tondelayo. Cinema at its finest.

We’re expecting a lot of weather over the next few days! Apparently there’s a dumbass storm front moving across the United States in the wrong direction — i.e., east to west — that’s expected to bring thunderstorms and heavy rain to the Dallas area. Glorioski, people ... rain in Texas! The stormy crap is expected to start Sunday (along with much cooler temperatures) and continue through the end of the week. A screen shot of our forecast from Weather.com appears below in case you think I’m making this up.

Thanks for stopping by. Don’t forget to turn out the lights when you’re done here, okay?

Deep thoughts from another Texas neanderthal: “If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted.”

Sam and I enjoyed a fun and productive outing this morning: A JUNKET TO COSTCO! I hadn’t been out of the house for more than three weeks (seriously) so I was mighty excited about this. I rode around in a power cart while we loaded up on all of the following essentials:

• Two dozen peeled hard-boiled eggs
• A hell of a lot of cheese
• Sliced roast beef for sandwiches
• California rolls
• Kitchen can trash bags
• KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce
• Breakfast burritos
• A huge box of fully-cooked angus hamburger patties
• Beef jerky
• Pistachios
• A bunch of fresh fruit

For the record, peeled hard-boiled eggs are the most decadent product EVER because you can make a gigantic bowl of egg salad without cracking a single shell, and the beef jerky we bought is for Sam because my dentures would break. A photo of our Costco in Rockwall, Texas, appears below for your possible interest.

Hey everybody, it’s another proud moment for the Lone Star State! This time GOP Congressman Steve Stockman is responsible for our latest public humiliation with his outrageous campaign bumper sticker: “If Babies Had Guns, They Wouldn’t Be Aborted.” Behold the face of a certifiable idiot.

What does this frightening neanderthal plan to do, insert teeny in-utero pistols during forced sonograms — which are now required in Texas if a woman wants an abortion — to enable an angry clump of cells to kill their mother? Holy crap. I can’t even wrap my head around this.

I need some happy thoughts here. Let’s talk FOOD. Tonight’s dinner will satisfy a couple of long-standing food cravings, which include grilled cheese on low-carb bread with a bowl of dill pickles and a lot of homemade cole slaw. Since I have to make my low-carb bread from scratch in the bread machine I’ll amuse myself in the meantime with a couple of Slim Jims and a Tyrone Power movie. Thank you for reading this.

Chinese food is an excellent substitute for damn near anything.

I’m starving, and as soon as I finish this post I’m heading straight for the kitchen. I’ve got a huge craving for an American cheese sandwich with Vlasic bread & butter pickles and a strawberry milkshake — I wouldn’t joke about this — but will most likely settle for reheated Chinese leftovers from last night because: 1) Chinese food is an excellent substitute for damn near anything; and 2) it’s faster.

For your possible interest my weekend Internet purchases (so far) have included six bags of Bear Creek Hot & Sour Soup from Amazon.com, toilet paper from Wal-Mart and more freeze-dried whatnots from Shelf Reliance because this stuff is really GOOD. I’m ordering small containers to see which ones I’d order again and keep in the pantry. Stay tuned, okay?

I’d also like to mention a surprisingly entertaining little movie I saw today: Never Too Late (1965) produced by Norman Lear and starring Paul Ford, Maureen O’Sullivan, Connie Stevens and Jim Hutton. It’s the story of a fiftysomething wife and her sixtysomething husband who find out they’re going to be parents for a second time. Ford and O’Sullivan are fabulous as these characters. Their married daughter (Connie Stevens) and her husband (Jim Hutton) live at home with mom and dad.

No kidding, this film had to be the precursor to Lear’s hit 1970s TV series “All in the Family.” Dad is a lovable curmudgeon, mom — who’s named Edith — runs around the house like a happy maniac mopping floors, ironing, shlepping and cooking meals, the son-in-law is constantly being insulted by his father-in-law and the daughter is an emotional nutcase who gets hysterical at the drop of a hat. All that's missing is Archie Bunker’s warped social commentary.

And now it’s time for food because I should have eaten dinner about four hours ago. I don’t know if Sam is hungry or not so I’ll try to lure him with an ice cream sandwich. Thank you for reading this.

What the hell ... I’ve got a nice big pantry, a cool husband and an American Express card!

Ever had a food craving you can’t explain? I have them all the time. Today, for instance, I desperately need CANNED CARROTS, so thank God I actually have two cans in the pantry. I pour off the liquid and eat them cold, right out of the can, sprinkled with two packages of Equal and several shots of — don’t gag — I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray. Other frequent cravings include: 1) a grilled cheese sandwich with six green olives; 2) banana pudding; 3) gefilte fish; 4) mushroom gravy on almost anything; and 5) baloney on white bread with one slice of American cheese.

Today’s pet peeve. Mazel tov. I just saw a news item that supermarkets have started phasing out their self-checkout lanes because almost nobody uses them any more. Sam actually likes these annoying things; I don’t. I figure if I want a job as a grocery store cashier I’ll apply for it and get some benefits. Back when gas stations first introduced self-service pumps in the early 1970s they offered customers a DISCOUNT if you didn’t need full service. Why should any of us scan and bag our own groceries so the market can save a few bucks on payroll? Technically, however, the reason for the phase-out is because supermarkets discovered that do-it-yourself checkouts haven’t saved them any money at all since they’ve had to hire extra staff to assist all the Einsteins trying to “play store.”

A Howdygram public service announcement. McDonald’s Shamrock Shake is back for a limited time and there’s even a convenient yet stupid shake locator service available at www.shamrockshake.com in case you’re interested, thirsty and unconcerned about consuming large quantites of heavily-sweetened artificial green dye. Enjoy your crappy beverage and have a nice day.

Products I can’t find in Texas. Mostly it’s anything Jewish that I’ve always been able to buy in a supermarket elsewhere in the United States. Gefilte fish is available occasionally depending on the time of year, except it sells for $10.99 a jar here and I’m pretty damn sure that’s a rip-off. Products I miss routinely include potato pancake mix, matzo farfel, matzo meal, skinny egg noodles and Yahrzeit candles. Therefore, please allow me to rave (again) about Amazon.com, the world’s best source for practically anything your local stores don’t stock. I just ordered the following two hard-to-find essentials.

The only minor drawback is that you have to buy THREE family-size cans of potato pancake mix and SIX cans of matzo farfel, but what the hell ... I’ve got a nice big pantry, a cool husband and an American Express card!

I’m ready for those canned carrots now. Thank you for reading this.

“Craving incontinence.” Let’s search for a cure.

And now for something weird. I woke up this morning at 8:30 with one thought in my head … an excursion to Gio’s Deli in Dallas for chopped liver, a couple of half-sour dills and a knish. I need chopped liver bad. Except it’s raining again and I don’t especially want to drive around town on wet freeways. I figure if it stops by noon (it’s supposed to) I’ll go to Gio’s later on instead. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Gio’s Deli on Preston Road.

I guess the weather gods felt my pain because it stops raining at 10:30, the sun comes out, and I’m thinking, glorioski, CHOPPED LIVER! I jump in the shower, blow-dry my hair, and by the time I’m done shpritzing myself with Estee Lauter I no longer have any craving for chopped liver whatsoever and my attention turns to washing a load of towels, reheating leftover soup and making hard-boiled eggs.

I actually find it frightening to be suffering from “craving incontinence,” a non-contagious disorder whereby senior citizens are unable retain a simple craving for more than 15 minutes at a time. While the condition can sometimes be attributed to not wanting to bother with shoes and a brassiere, in most cases the aforementioned senior citizen just forgets the craving altogether and moves on. I seriously hope there’s a pill for this and it’s available as a generic.

Thank you for reading this.

Early morning cravings.

In case you’re curious, I chose leftover Szechwan tofu last night followed by cottage cheese half an hour later. Unfortunately, an uninspired dinner always leads to an early A.M. breakfast craving, so at 5:45 in the morning I’m trying to figure out how to needle Sam into taking me to Blue Mesa at 10 for their brunch buffet. I especially need Blue Mesa’s adobe pie, which is so good a person could DREAM about it. Ditto for their guacamole.

I wonder if Sam would get irritated if I woke him up to discuss Blue Mesa. Stay tuned.

Libya, grilled cheese and other stories.

Sam and I are definitely on opposite schedules right now. Because I didn’t get any sleep Friday night I took a very long nap Saturday morning and then another one late in the afternoon. Shortly after dinner Sam conked out on the couch, slept for three hours and then crept off to bed at 10:30. As for me, I’m probably awake enough to sit here horsing around at the computer until 4 a.m., although I might consider taking a sedative so I won’t screw up the rest of the weekend for us. I’ve got other things to do with my life. Like laundry, for instance. Lots and lots of laundry. I’m drowning in it. If you want to come over and help please send an email right away. I’ll buy a pound cake.

Do you ever get strange food cravings? Mine is a trio of perfect flavors that’s eaten together and always in complete privacy, as Sam gets grossed out if I even MENTION this to him. It’s a grilled cheese sandwich, green olives and one of my Goofy Fruity Shakes. I also used to love liverwurst on white bread with sweet pickle relish and mayo, but I gave up on that one years ago when I started reading nutritional labels.

In other news, I see that the U.S. and Great Britain have been very busy tonight blowing up Libya and all of its air defenses. This is a good thing. If ever a country needed blowing up, it’s Libya. And after we get rid of Gaddafi and all of his evil spawn I think Disney should consider turning the entire country into a resort with rides and corn dogs.

Thank you for reading this.