While I sit here recovering from a middle-of-the-night low blood sugar incident, for which I’m consuming a Marcytini, a low-carb chocolate bar and a stack of American cheese singles, I thought I’d work on a post about Chicago’s latest crop of creepy criminal politicians. This time it’s the Jackson clan: 1) Jesse Junior; 2) Jesse Junior’s main squeeze; and 3) Jesse’s Junior’s daddy. Let’s begin with a quick review of their offenses, shall we?
Jesse Junior, who resigned his seat in Congress shortly before the end of last year following a six-month absence for “emotional problems,” has just confessed to embezzling $750,000 of his own campaign funds to purchase (among other things) mink capes, a $45,000 Rollex watch, Michael Jackson memorabilia, Bruce Lee memorabilia, Jimi Hendrix memorabilia, Martin Luther King memorabilia, an Eddie Van Halen guitar, a commemorative football and a cashmere hat. You know, all the necessities for the good life in Congress. He also paid his wife’s consulting firm half a million dollars.
Junior had been under investigation by the FBI since attempting to bribe Illinois’ disgraced former governor Rod Blagojevich for the Senate seat vacated by President Obama. Blagojevich is currently serving a 14-year prison sentence for racketeering.
Junior’s wife, Sandi, isn’t a whole lot better. She resigned from Chicago’s city council in mid-January after five years as an absentee alderman, during which she collected a full-time salary while missing nearly half the council’s votes and 91% of her committee meetings because — here’s a shocker — she was actually living in Washington, D.C. with Junior and the kids. Following an FBI investigation Sandi confessed to tax fraud yesterday relative to her husband’s embezzlement issues.
Big Daddy (Jesse Senior) wasn’t under investigation and didn’t confess to any crimes, but I feel compelled to include him here. Doesn’t it ever bother people that he has no job — or any other visible means of support — but keeps turning up uninvited at every major event in the United States wearing $2,500 suits? I’m just saying.
I think I’ll go back to bed for a while. Turn off the lights when you’re done, okay?
If you were taking odds that I wouldn’t write a post today, YOU LOSE. While I sit here figuring out what I want for dinner I thought I’d share the latest crapola from Howdygram headquarters.
Before I forget, since nobody successfully identified the two classic movie stars from my post on December 27 I’ll reveal their names for you below.
Because there was no winner I’ll just have to keep the BIG VALUABLE PRIZE for myself. No hard feelings and better luck next time, okay?
And now I’m pleased to present the Howdygram’s 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame, featuring eight sickening hotshots who made me want stab myself in the head with an ice pick at various times throughout the past year.
These sickening hotshots are listed in no particular order whatsoever ...
Todd Akin. The GOP’s gift to late-night comedy claimed during his campaign for a Senate seat in Missouri that in the case of “legitimate rape” a woman’s body had ways to prevent pregnancy, concluding that abortion even for rape victims should denied because they’re obviously lying. Akin’s hard-core, logic-defying, anti-abortion rhetoric guaranteed a comfortable win by Democratic incumbent Claire McCaskill and inflicted huge damage to the Republican Party for being anti-woman. (Thank you, Todd.)
Rod “Hairdo” Blagojevich. In March the former governor of Illinois began serving a juicy 14-year sentence at the Federal Correctional Institute in Englewood, Colorado, for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud, still insisting he was targeted by the FBI for “fighting the crooks in a crooked system.” To his credit, however, as governor Blagojevich gave free bus rides to senior citizens.
Donald Trump. America’s most obnoxious racist blowhard promised to up-end the presidential election with an “October surprise,” dropping frequent hints that he had photocopies of the Obamas’ fictional divorce papers from an earlier decade. In reality, Trump’s surprise was to challenge the President with a $5 million gift to the charity of his choice if he produced his passport application and college transcripts, which seemed to the press and general public that Trump’s ultimate goal was blackmail or extortion. If that wasn’t bad enough, when President Obama won re-election on November 6 Trump fired off a series of grotesquely racist Tweets that claimed the election was a sham, a disaster for democracy and a disgusting injustice (see my earlier post). Talk about a sore loser!
David Petraeus. Former military god and five-star general who got himself involved with an extramarital affair, social-climbing party girls in Tampa, Florida, and all kinds of convoluted email intrigue. Check out an earlier post with educational graphics.
Jerry Sandusky. The child molester from Penn State will rot in hell after he serves 60 years in prison for abusing more than 15 million boys. (I might be exaggerating, but not by much.)
Lance Armstrong. Disgraced Tour de France cycling champion was kicked to the curb and convicted of a career-long doping conspiracy. In one day, Lance Armstrong: 1) was erased from the record books; 2) stripped of his medals and awards; 3) lost all of his lucrative endorsement deals; and 4) was forced out of the cancer charity founded in his name. He’s not even allowed to ride a bike to the grocery store.
Mitt Romney. Although I’m sure everything has already been said about the GOP’s human gaffe machine, I offer the following Romney quotes in case you need a reminder. To a heckler in Iowa who suggested that corporations should pay higher taxes: “Corporations are people, my friend. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people.” At a Beverly Hills fundraiser, wondering why you can’t crack a window at 35,000 feet: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem.” During a GOP primary debate: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.” And ... “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” Plus the ultimate gaffe ... Romney’s secretly-recorded remarks at a donor banquet: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what ... who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” HOLY CRAP. Did America dodge a bullet, or what?
Rick Santorum. The GOP’s scariest presidential candidate, bar none. Santorum is a homophobic misogynist whose platform was based on his belief that TOO MUCH BIRTH CONTROL is the number one problem facing Americans today.
And now I’d better find something speedy to eat for dinner before I conk out! Thanks for stopping by.
Holy crap. I just finished watching Rod Blagojevich’s live farewell address to the troops on MSNBC.com, broadcast from the sidewalk in front of his house in Chicago. It’s pretty hard to believe at this late date — he reports to federal prison tomorrow to begin a 14-year sentence — that Blago still has NO CLUE what he did wrong. His speech was a delusional train wreck that I couldn’t stop watching.
To condense 18 minutes of bullshit (I was actually typing as he spoke) into one neatly-written paragraph, ex-Governor Blowhard said his biggest mistake was “not being humble enough” (seriously? that’s it?) but he always “did the right thing for Illinois” and “the people know the truth.” He boasted about his one accomplishment — free city bus rides for seniors — and still insists he never knew that racketeering, bribery, fraud and conspiracy were illegal because it was all “just politics.” “In the end,” he said, “I was on the right side of the law but the jury thought a line was crossed,” their “decision went against” him, and now he’s stuck “paying a price for trying so hard for the people of Illinois.” His final thought to the crowd on Ravenswood Avenue? “Right makes might.” (What the hell. Now he thinks he’s King Arthur.)
In an effort to immortalize this unapologetic egomaniac one last time, please feel free to clip and save the following mask, suitable for Halloween or target practice. Even better, line your litter box with my compliments.
A sad final thought. The sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles I was expecting this afternoon won’t actually be delivered until TOMORROW, which means I might have to blow my brains out. Okay not really, but my plans for dinner are definitely ruined. I was counting on baloney and American cheese on white bread with pickles and chocolate milk!
Please send an email if you’d like to suggest an alternate menu. Thank you for being my friend.
This is a VERY BIG DAY, Howdygramsters, and I think you should circle it in red on your calendars, because loudmouth Rod Blagojevich, the disgraced former governor of Illinois, is heading to federal prison in Colorado to begin a 14-year sentence for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud. Yee-haw! I’m planning a farewell party at Howdygram headquarters today at 3 p.m. if you’d like to drop by with a couple of friends. (I’ll be serving baloney.)
As part of my day-long schedule of festivities, which includes folding bath towels, waxing my eyebrows and watching 20,000 Years in Sing-Sing starring Spencer Tracy, I just snagged an additional load of thrilling bargains from Amazon.com. Specifically, I ordered a 12-can case of Hunt’s diced tomatoes and a box of needles for my injectable diabetes medication. Both will arrive on Friday.
And now for something completely different! I’m pleased to present a selection of exceptionally stupid official state slogans for your possible interest ... including a private critique by the Howdygram editorial board (translation: me).
West Virginia: “Open for Business.” Like a convenience store!
Texas: “It’s Like A Whole Other Country.” Or planet.
Missouri: “The Cave State.” Populated by fine cave men and women.
Massachusetts: “Make It Yours.” If I do, can it be re-gifted?
Idaho: “Famous Potatoes.” This one’s just sad. Let’s all go to Taterland.
Maryland: “America In Miniature.” Just don’t step on the state capitol.
Connecticut: “We’re Full of Surprises.” That not all, pal.
Maine: “It Must Be Maine.” Not necessarily. It might be Florida.
Louisiana: “Come As You Are. Leave Different.” This scares me.
Iowa: “Life Changing.” Welcome to the Menopause State.
I guess it’s time for lunch because Sam just got home from Tom Thumb with a bunch of food, such as pepper jack cheese, vanilla wafers, frozen stew vegetables and a large bottle of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray. Thank y’all for reading this. Come again.
Sam and I have enjoyed a nice, quiet, rainy day here at Howdygram headquarters. After a number of luxurious naps and excellent entertainment — The Three Stooges Meet Hercules, Meet Boston Blackie and Family Affair (the first Andy Hardy movie) — we carried out dinner from Dickey’s and watched Game Change on HBO. I’m pleased to report that the latter accurately depicted Arctic bimbo Sarah Palin in all her illiterate, self-absorbed glory.
And now I’ve got so many additional topics lined up that I almost don’t know where to start, such as tidbits of breaking news and items of urgent interest. Well, to me, anyway. So let’s get started!
From our Holy Crap, It’s About Time department, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich will finally report to Federal prison this week to begin serving a 14-year sentence for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud. Apparently he’s promising a “farewell address” before he gets the hell out of Dodge, which the citizens of Illinois hope will include a much-deserved apology. There’s not much chance of this, however, since his loudmouth wife, Mrs. Sourpuss Blago, is still insisting he’s INNOCENT, so we’re expecting Blagojevich to continue the defiant recitations of Rudyard Kipling poetry that began before his first trial and his ongoing rant about “the law went after me only because I was fighting the crooks in a crooked system.” Plus a reminder that he gave free bus rides to seniors.
Blagojevich is a greedy, disgraced laughingstock who served himself instead of the people of Illinois, tried to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder and attempted to trade personal and legislative favors for mountains of cash and campaign contributions. I, for one, look forward to seeing this jerk model Esquire’s chic new “penitentiary” look, which is pictured below.
Here’s a Howdygram public service announcement for your possible interest. An ABC News investigation has uncovered that BLBT — better-known as “boneless lean beef trimmings” or “pink slime” — is NOT mixed into ground beef sold at the following supermarket chains: HEB (Central Market), Whole Foods, Costco and Kroger. Safeway’s stores use it —locally, that would be Tom Thumb — and Wal-Mart hasn’t responded, which probably means they do, too.
In case you haven’t been following this story, pink slime looks like frozen little strings of Play-Doh and doesn’t resemble real meat in any way whatsoever. Before Beef Products, Inc. found a way to disinfect low-grade, mostly inedible beef trimmings with ammonia it was sold only to dog food or cooking oil suppliers. The USDA says it’s safe for humans but there’s no way I will EVER buy meat at any market that sneaks this repulsive crap into its ground beef. The Great Marcy has spoken!
Robert Temple Ayres, artist and creator of the original Ponderosa map from the “Bonanza” TV series, died yesterday at age 89. I seriously don’t understand why anybody was actually keeping track of this dude or the map he painted back in 1959, but “Bonanza” was intensely popular … even after Pernell Roberts walked out in 1965. Pictured below is the aforementioned Ponderosa map plus a photo of the Cartwrights. From left to right, they are Adam (Pernell Roberts), Little Joe (Michael Landon), Pa (Lorne Greene), Hoss (Dan Blocker) and Wavin’ Sam, the friendly cowhand.
Other series regulars included Sheriff Roy Coffee and houseboy Hop Sing.
In other mid-century television news, you may be interested to know that comedian Larry Storch is still alive and well at 89 years of age.
Storch is probably best known for his role as Corporal Agarn in the 1960s comedy “F Troop,” which was always one of my personal favorites at that time along with “The Monkees,” “Batman” and “The Andy Griffith Show.” “F Troop” also starred Forrest Tucker as Sergeant O’Rourke, Ken Berry as Captain Parmenter and assorted Jewish comics from the Catskills as the Hekawi Indians. (I’m serious.) A video clip of the opening theme from “F Troop” appears below.
And now, at last, it’s time for a late snack and another movie! Thanks for stopping by and please don’t forget to set your clocks ahead one hour before you go to bed. Adios, shalom and I’ll see y’all tomorrow.
Once again I began my day following “all things Blagojevich” on Twitter, and about an hour ago Illinois’ egomaniacal ex-governor finally received justice for a long list of criminal convictions and abuse of power. He attempted to manipulate the court for leniency this morning but Judge Zagel and the prosecutors were having none of it. And so, although you’ve probably already heard the news by now, Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. We’re so damn excited here at Howdygram headquarters that I’ve decided to spend the whole afternoon eating halva and making Hungarian stuffed cabbage in my brand new roasting pan. Please send an email if you can think of a better way to celebrate, keeping in mind that I’m home alone and not allowed to drink alcohol. Thank you.
FYI, “14 golden years” refers to a famous quote from the FBI’s surveillance tapes when Blagojevich ranted about Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat being “bleepin’ golden” and “I’m not givin’ it away for bleepin’ nothing.” The genius then tried to sell the Senate seat to Jesse Jackson, Jr., for $1.5 million, and the FBI showed up on Blago’s doorstep 24 hours later with handcuffs.
I seriously hope the prison system shaves his head.
Stay tuned for another post later today. I’ll include my recipe for Hungarian stuffed cabbage and maybe a couple of photos. L’chaim!
It’s Tuesday afternoon and I thought I’d spend a few minutes updating y’all on the latest developments in Rod Blagojevich’s sentencing hearing. I’m actually following the fun on Twitter, where representatives from Fox, ABC, CBS, the Better Government Association, the Chicago Tribune, the Chicago Sun-Times, Chicago Magazine, the Huffington Post, Statehouse Magazine and a variety of other news outlets are tweeting minute-by-minute courtroom events. So far the only things I know for sure are: 1) Judge Zagel isn’t buying into any of the defense attorneys’ crap; 2) most reporters think Blago will get 17 years; 3) Mrs. Blago blows her nose a lot; and 4) everybody got back from lunch at 1:30.
In other news, it was way too cold to venture out for a haircut today so I’ve decided to eat leftover Chinese food and address a few holiday cards, with specific emphasis on the word “few.” You may recall that last year Sam and I mailed dozens of holiday cards but received only three ...and one was from our dentist decorated with unnaturally happy molars. Bottom line ... I don’t care if the world turns into a herd of Ebenezers but I’d appreciate a little advance notice so I won’t waste my money on an extra sheet of stamps. Thank you.
UPS just delivered my new roasting pan. This is so exciting I want to take a picture of it, so don’t go away!
And now, for those of you who think this blog tends to be just a bunch of pointless but brilliantly-written fluff, I’m pleased to provide the following web-based course of study from our very own Howdygram University.
Sam “Momo” Giancana (1908–1975) was a Sicilian-American mobster who ran the Chicago Outfit from 1957 to 1966. Also known as “Mooney” and “Sam the Cigar.”
Sammy Davis, Jr. (1925–1990) was a teeny American dancer and singer also known for his impersonations of other celebrities. Davis started in vaudeville at three years old and went on to become a world-famous recording artist and a member of Frank Sinatra’s “Rat Pack.” He married several white women.
Samuel Adams (1722–1803) was Governor of Massachusetts, a delegate to the Continental Congress, organized the Boston Tea Party and signed the Declaration of Independence. He’s considered a Founding Father of the United States and was also a cousin to President John Adams. I don’t believe this over-achiever ever brewed beer.
Samuel Houston (1793–1863) was a U.S. lawyer and politician who led the struggle of U.S. emigrants in Mexican territory to win control of Texas and make it part of the United States. The city of Austin was named for him. (Just kidding.)
Samuel Goldwyn (1879–1974), birth name Shmuyel Goldfish, was a pioneer in American filmmaking and one of Hollywood’s most prominent producers for more than 30 years.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835–1910), better-known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American author and humorist. He is most noted for growing a screwy mustache but still found time to write “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” (1876) and “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” (1885).
Samuel Johnson (1709–1784) was an English editor, journalist and poet with truly stupid hair who produced the groundbreaking Dictionary of the English Language in 1755.
Samuel Marks (born 1959) is an extremely tall financial printer of the highest caliber. He has green eyes, loves ice cream sandwiches, baby carrots and raisins and serves as the Howdygram’s official mascot.
Son of Sam (born 1953) is an American serial killer and arsonist named David Berkowitz who claimed he was commanded to kill people by a demon that possessed his neighbor’s dog. He has been in prison since 1977, which is a damn good place for him.
Thanks for stopping by. Y’all come back now, okay?
Good morning, and welcome to winter in Texas. Even though we didn’t wind up with any snow yesterday it’s still 31° and way too cold, which means I have zero plans to leave the house in the foreseeable future although I might decide to get a haircut. Staying home is fine, however, because I accomplished a lot on Monday even though I never got around to baking that loaf of barley bread. For example, I did four loads of laundry, emptied the dishwasher, wrote a post for the Howdygram, ate a bagel and three chocolate-covered marshmallows, folded socks and watched The Seven Little Foys with Bob Hope. If you think this sounds lame, please keep in mind that I’m a retired person with no huge motivation to do anything else
Goodbye, Blago. Don’t forget to write. This is it, Howdygramsters ... the hoo-hah of the decade! Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich gets sentenced today in Federal court in Chicago, an unscripted reality show that’s destined make “Top Chef” look like a cooking competition. (Wait. “Top Chef” is a cooking competition.) Blagojevich was convicted last summer on 17 counts of corruption for attempted shakedowns, conspiracy, racketeering, extortion, lying to the FBI and trying to sell Barack Obama’s former seat in the U.S. Senate to the highest bidder (in particular, to Jesse Jackson, Jr., for $1.5 million). The worst part? Governor Nitwit is still defiant, insisting that because he didn’t actually make any money from his schemes, and since his attempts to extort millions of dollars in campaign contributions from Children’s Memorial Hospital, the Chicago Tribune and a horse-racing executive were rejected, none of his activities should be considered criminal.
He’s dead wrong, of course. It was ALL criminal, especially the fact that he was the ringleader. But the main reason they’ll throw the book at this snotty toad is because he still hasn’t taken responsibility or shown a shred of remorse. His cohorts have all been tried and convicted with substantial prison terms, yet today in court Blago’s attorneys plan to ask the judge for — no kidding — PROBATION. (He should get 15 years to life for that stupid hair alone.)
Sentencing is expected to take two days with the final announcement tomorrow. This is so exciting I probably won’t be able to shop, eat or sleep.
And now for something competely scary. A pair of photos ... Ellie May Clampett, then and now. Oy.
I wanted to write a post hours and hours ago but haven’t had the motivation because it’s been cold, rainy, dark and crappy for the last couple of days, making it damn near impossible to drag myself off the couch for anything except looking for the remote or getting snacks. Sam and I have been drifting in and out of naps for 48 hours, and the only reason we’re awake right now is because we just finished watching Tiger Woods win the Chevron Open — MAZEL TOV TIGER! — his first tournament win in two years. I’m so happy I could eat a golf ball.
And as long as I’m covering sports news I should also mention that today was Dallas’ annual White Rock Marathon, where tens of thousands of runners in ski hats and thermal underwear braved 45° temperatures and steady rain. Santa was entered but didn’t win because he’s a pasty white dude from the North Pole. (The top three finishers were all from Kenya.)
Last night I ordered a box of insulin needles from Amazon.com. This is no big deal whatsoever but I thought I’d mention it in case you’re keeping track of such things. A photo appears below for your possible interest.
I watched a couple of excellent suspense movies yesterday on TCM. The first was Crossroads with Hedy Lamarr and William Powell, which was a stupendous drama with stupendous plot twists, stupendous clothes and stupendous supporting players like the stupendous Basil Rathbone. Is there anybody who doesn’t love Basil Rathbone?
Then I watched a gritty film noir thing called While the City Sleeps about a bunch of cut-throat reporters all trying to scoop each other on a serial murder case. It featured a cast of thousands such as George Sanders, Rhonda Fleming, Howard Duff, Ida Lupino, Vincent Price and Dana Andrews ... the crown prince of deadpan, alcoholic boredom who played the same damn character in every single movie. While the City Sleeps also provided a close-up look at American goyim in the 1950s, where everybody walks into the local bar for a ham sandwich and milk. A ham sandwich and milk? They may as well ask for pig’s feet and a boilermaker. Holy crap.
The Howdygram is pleased to announce the following monumental events for the week ahead. For instance ...
December 5: Bigger French fries debut at Burger King
December 6: Rod Blagojevich is sentenced in Federal court
December 7: Pearl Harbor is bombed by the Japanese (1941)
December 8: John Lennon is shot in New York (1980)
December 9: Charles and Diana announce their separation (1992)
We heard today that Sam’s amazing Aunt Adie drove herself to the hospital on Friday with appendicitis, performed her own surgery and checked out Saturday morning. Okay, I might be kidding about performing her own surgery (I’m pretty sure she had a regular doctor) but she did drive herself to the emergency room and she did go home the very next day. What a shame she didn’t have an opportunity to whine a lot and make relatives bring her jello, Hershey bars and Cheetos! (Next time, Adie, call me for a few tips on the way to the hospital.)
And finally, the U.S. Post Office has announced news so outrageous I actually laughed out loud. Due to budget constraints, beginning January 1 there will be no more next-day delivery for first-class mail. Somebody help me wrap my head around this … what zip code in fantasyland has ever received next-day ANYTHING from the post office? (Every time I mail a birthday card it takes a week and a half.)
And now I think I’ll try to con Sam into ordering Chinese for dinner because it’s getting late, I’m hungry, I don’t feel like cooking and I desperately need something with a lot of hot sauce. Thank you for reading this.
Attention classic movie fans … December is William Powell Month on TCM and I’m so excited I could jump out of my skin! They’ll be showing nonstop William Powell films every Thursday all month long, and the list includes dozens of my all-time favorites — i.e., Love Crazy and Life with Father — plus a bunch of rarely-seen titles, such as: The Key (1934), The Road to Singapore (1931; NOT one of the Hope/Crosby pictures), Lawyer Man (1932), Sherlock Holmes (1922 silent with John Barrymore), High Pressure (1932), The Emperor’s Candlesticks (1937) and a Thin Man marathon on December 22. Click here for all the details so you can program your DVR.
This is seriously better than a Doris Day festival because Sam enjoys William Powell as much as I do. He has no use for Doris Day movies whatsoever.
In other news, I’m pleased to report that the former governor of Illinois, mop-top sleazebag Rod Blagojevich, pictured below, will be sentenced by U.S. District Judge James Zagel on Tuesday, December 6.
Most of you may already know that Blagojevich was convicted by a Federal court back in June on 17 of 20 corruption and racketeering charges, but sentencing apparently was postponed while his partners in crime were on trial. The last, William Cellini, was just sentenced to 10 years in prison. With any luck Blago will receive evenmore and I won’t have to look at his screwy face for the rest of my life. Hold a good thought, okay?
And now I think I’ll smoosh up a pile of tuna salad for an early dinner, which is a smart move on my part because I’ve got a wonderful OXO food mill (see below) that I don’t use often enough and a big container of hard-boiled eggs in the fridge. The two best features of a food mill are: 1) it’s easier to clean than a food processor; and 2) it weighs less than a Volkswagen. You can buy your own on Amazon.com or Zappos.com.
I’m peachy-keen, thank you, but I’ve been a little busier than usual with client projects that include designing two logos, letterhead, envelopes, mailers, business cards and another new website. The website project is actually an extremely convenient barter arrangement with our handyman, Gary. I’m designing his website for FREE and he’s painting all the exterior trim on our house today for half price. In blistering 101° heat.
Wednesday is Sam’s birthday. Please click here if you want to send him a Happy Birthday email. Sam is taking some vacation time starting tomorrow and we’re planning a nice drive to Fairfield (about 85 miles south) to have a birthday lunch at a popular barbecue pit called — what else — Sam’s Restaurant. My treat.
I’m sure everybody has heard the news by now that former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been convicted on 17 counts of corruption and fraud ... the same charges the Feds have always used to nail gangsters and mob bosses. This is hugely thrilling for me as a former resident of Illinois, because nearly every high-ranking public official in the state has been — or deserves to be — behind bars with a tattooed cellmate named Bubba. Seriously.
To round out an otherwise stellar post I think I’ll make one final push for everybody to enter our current contest. We’re asking y’all to guess how much money is in Sam’s five-gallon jar of loose change. Click here for all the details. The grand total (and the winner) will be announced on June 30. Good luck, thank you for reading this and can somebody please come over right now to help me kill a fly.
There’s something really satisfying about shopping online. You can do it in the middle of the night when nobody’s looking, you can be barefoot and don’t have to wear a bra, you never have to fight for a parking spot, and if you pick the right websites you won’t even have to pay SALES TAX.
My sleeping patterrn has been a little out of whack for the last few days so I’ve been amusing myself with middle-of-the-night shopping sprees. Purchases to date have included:
Room sprays and electric air freshener refills from Yankee Candle
Return address labels and a custom tee shirt for Sam from Vista Print
A replacement filter for my refrigerator ice maker from FiltersFast.com
Incidentally, you should definitely check out the shopping possibilities on Wal-Mart’s website. Those wrinkle-free sheets are extremely inexpensive, really live up to their name and they’re soft as silk. I already have two sets and just bought a third. Plus almost everything they sell ships for only 97¢ ... even my new trash can.
One more thing. In case you’re wondering what the hell is “custom 44¢ postage,” this is basically a sheet of 20 postage stamps with your own custom artwork instead of a picture of the Liberty Bell or the state flowers of New England. I never bothered ordering custom postage before because it’s sort of a pricey product that usually sells for twice the face value of the postage (which covers the cost of customizing the artwork). But right now Zazzle.com has them on sale at HALF PRICE since there’s another postage increase on the way and they’re trying to unload some inventory. So I created my own artwork and ordered four sheets of stamps in various designs. They’re so cute you could pee in your pants!
Do you like to follow tales of political corruption, extortion and shakedowns? If so, the Howdygram strongly recommends the Chicago Tribune’s website for news from the ongoing criminal trial of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich in Federal court. Two recent photos of Blagojevich appear below in case you don’t remember what this yahoo looks like.
Thank you for reading this and have a nice day. You might want to think about ordering a pizza or something.
Scroll down a little, keep an eye on the right-hand column, and you’ll see a section called Fun Links. Trust me ... you’re definitely missing something if you’ve never checked out any of these web destinations! My favorites are Engrish.com (which I’ve been enjoying for YEARS) and AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. A sample of the latter appears below. Incidentally, it’s always pleasant to see happy, flabby people enjoying their pets. Do you think they used this shot for their Christmas cards?
In other news, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich’s corruption trial starts Thursday in the U.S. District Court in Chicago. I wish this was being televised! The sleaze and drama factors will be off the charts and it’s bound to be even better than the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” ... which is pretty revolting in case you’ve never seen it. Apparently the government’s evidence against Blagojevich is staggering, but since I won’t be able to watch the courtroom hoo-hah on TV I guess I’ll have to get my daily serving of fresh baloney on the Chicago Tribune’s website. Thank you for reading this.
I’m Marcy, the shorter half of Sam and Marcy, a pair of happily-married former Californians living it up in the Lone Star State. The Howdygram is my personal forum for a delightful variety of unrelated yet fascinating topics, such as why I hate diabetes, idiots in the news, progressive politics, old movies, online shopping conquests, food, retirement, life in Texas and other entertaining crap.
Cash and comments are welcome at all times. Thank you for reading this.
