Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Remember, you heard it here first.

Eat This. In a groundbreaking fast food bulletin, Burger King is pleased to announce the introduction of THICKER AND BETTER FRENCH FRIES effective December 5. Whoppers, however, will continue to suck for the foreseeable future.

Creepy Cain, the Political Curiosity. Chick magnet and presidential candidate Herman Cain has reassessed the level of sexual harrassment and adultery allegations derailing his run for the White House and decided he’s “doing fine.” Just between us, I’d sure hate to see what “shitty” looks like.
From the Howdygram’s Research Clearinghouse. In a recent report Argentinian scientists describe how they placed semen samples from 29 healthy men under a laptop connected to the Internet via Wi-Fi and then hit “download,” resulting in fried sperm. These results were similar to a urologists’ study last year that revealed how a man with a laptop balanced on his knees can crank up the temperature of his scrotum. (An actual photo of unfried sperm appears at left.) Other scientists have found that radiation from cell phones can create “feeble sperm,” too, a fact that certainly could explain how Rick Perry was conceived. The culprit? Electromagnetic radiation generated during wireless communication. Bottom line … the Howdygram seriously doubts that many men actually use computers or cell phones squashed against their nuts, but of course we’re generally out of touch with modern technology trends. For instance, what the hell is Twitter?

Sam & Marcy’s Shopping Spree. On tap for today … a quick morning shlep over to Costco for a cartful of essentials, including a gigantic three-pack of Classico pasta sauce, kitchen trash bags, lox, stuffed portobello mushrooms, a tub of cashews and an industrial-size package of Sam’s favorite chicken taquitos. We do NOT need socks, Christmas lights or fish oil capsules, in case you were wondering.

Thank y’all for reading this.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Happy to be alive in Howdygramland.

Gemfibrozil Update. I haven’t taken a dose since last night at dinner, and I’m feeling so much better today it’s actually scary. I can breathe without gasping, I can walk around the house again and I didn’t need a two-hour afternoon nap. As a matter of fact, I’ve been finishing projects all day and even reorganized our junk drawer in the master bath with the new bamboo organizer I ordered from A photo of our spiffy redesigned drawer is posted here for your possible interest. The difference is positively amazing, and I can finally reach in and grab something without getting stabbed to death by my cuticle scissors.
Incidentally, I sincerely regret that Gemfibrozil didn’t work out for me. I looked at a bunch of user reviews online and damn near everybody swears it’s a miracle drug for reducing cholesterol and triglycerides. In my case, however, it’s a miracle that Gemfibrozil didn’t KILL me. Not breathing is an unacceptable and genuinely crappy side effect.

Snack Update. I received an order today from Sugarless DeLite, and I’d like to make the following public declaration:  GOD BLESS LA NOUBA SUGAR-FREE CHOCOLATE-COVERED MARSHMALLOWS. Seriously, these things are 100% scrumptious and even better than Russell Stover’s Sugar-Free Chocolate Marshmallow Santas! A photo appears below. Please don’t come over and expect a free sample, however, because they’re all mine.
Amazon Update. My brilliant subscription purchases today included Ziploc gallon-size freezer bags and Cascade Complete dishwasher doohickies, as pictured below. You really need to try subscribing for products you use all the time. Click here to find out more and tell them Marcy sent you. (Okay, maybe you should skip that last part.)
Ready for Hanukkah? Just in time for the Festival of Lights … don’t miss these novelty mezuzahs for wacky little relatives featuring Spongebob Squarepants and — no kidding — Shrek. Apparently 21st century Jewish children should be taught to include animated scrubbing utensils and farting ogres as elements of their faith. A real bargain at $12.95 from Judaica Mall.
It’s time for dinner, a couple of “People’s Court” reruns and this week’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” Life is great in Howdygramland. Thanks a million for reading this.

Just say “no.”

Anybody else remember Nancy Reagan’s slogan from the 1980s? She was talking about DRUGS … and so am I. Effective today I’m through with Gemfibrozil, that new med I started taking nine days ago for high triglycerides. In case you’re wondering why, it’s because I developed a couple of side effects — both considered “severe” by the medical professionals on — that were ruining my quality of life: FATIGUE and SHORTNESS OF BREATH. For the record, shortness of breath sucks big time. It feels like there isn’t any oxygen in the room and I have to gasp for air. Yesterday was pretty awful.

When everything gets back to normal I’ll call Dr. M to find out what else I can try. Just between you and me, I take a ton of prescriptions and I’m tired of all the crapola with side effects.

Breaking news! I just subscribed to regular deliveries of my favorite Atkins snack bars on Both of these flavors are INCREDIBLE with lots of protein and fiber and almost zero carbs. Ordering online is a very shrewd move by yours truly because Sam frequently can’t find them on the shelf at Wal-Mart or, if he does, they’re flavors I don’t like. (Sometimes a girl has to take these matters into her own hands.) For instance, I won’t eat anything that resembles a granola bar because the main ingredient is CONCRETE.
I should go to bed now before I get cross-eyed. Thank you for reading this.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Oy, Newt.

And now, here’s the latest from the 2012 GOP presidential campaign, where Rick Perry has finally self-destructed in a tidal wave of paralyzing stupidity and America has turned its back on Herman Cain and his never-ending stream of female accusers, whom he insists are all just “friends,” “co-workers,” “business associates,” “job-seekers” and (naturally) “liars.”
Which brings us to the latest pond scum rising to the top of the pack: the inexplicable Newt “Family Values” Gingrich.
Newt appears below with his third and current wife Callista attending the Kennedy Center Honors on December 4. The following day Mrs. Gingrich voluntarily checked herself into the Conservative Clinic for Botox Addiction. I hear she also has a serious problem with jewelry but apparently Tiffany’s doesn’t offer a 12-step program for this.
Sam is on his way home from work (he just called) so it’s time to wrap up this post and prepare to smooch his face. Thanks for stopping by.

Movie stars, criminals and tuna salad.

Attention classic movie fans … December is William Powell Month on TCM and I’m so excited I could jump out of my skin! They’ll be showing nonstop William Powell films every Thursday all month long, and the list includes dozens of my all-time favorites — i.e., Love Crazy and Life with Father — plus a bunch of rarely-seen titles, such as: The Key (1934), The Road to Singapore (1931; NOT one of the Hope/Crosby pictures), Lawyer Man (1932), Sherlock Holmes (1922 silent with John Barrymore), High Pressure (1932), The Emperor’s Candlesticks (1937) and a Thin Man marathon on December 22. Click here for all the details so you can program your DVR.
This is seriously better than a Doris Day festival because Sam enjoys William Powell as much as I do. He has no use for Doris Day movies whatsoever.

In other news, I’m pleased to report that the former governor of Illinois, mop-top sleazebag Rod Blagojevich, pictured below, will be sentenced by U.S. District Judge James Zagel on Tuesday, December 6.
Most of you may already know that Blagojevich was convicted by a Federal court back in June on 17 of 20 corruption and racketeering charges, but sentencing apparently was postponed while his partners in crime were on trial. The last, William Cellini, was just sentenced to 10 years in prison. With any luck Blago will receive even more and I won’t have to look at his screwy face for the rest of my life. Hold a good thought, okay?

And now I think I’ll smoosh up a pile of tuna salad for an early dinner, which is a smart move on my part because I’ve got a wonderful OXO food mill (see below) that I don’t use often enough and a big container of hard-boiled eggs in the fridge. The two best features of a food mill are: 1) it’s easier to clean than a food processor; and 2) it weighs less than a Volkswagen. You can buy your own on or
Thank you for reading this.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Holy crap, it almost happened again!

A couple of weeks ago I told y’all about an issue I had with my Firefox browser (see post), when it had a nervous breakdown, corrupted my desktop and I spent hours jumping through hoops to figure out how to trash and reload the software. Believe it or not, I just went through almost the same thing all over again! I was writing a Howdygram post — same as before — and all of a sudden the window freaked out in little fragments, went black and then KABLOOEY. This time I was able to do a normal shutdown, though, and Firefox relaunched.

I just sent a feedback message to the customer service gods at so they’ll understand what happens when I’m using Firefox and writing a post with their “new and improved” interface ... which I seriously don’t like and wish I didn’t have to use. Please stay tuned for their earth-shaking response.

Sam and I have had a very quiet, very lazy weekend that mostly consisted of napping, eating and watching a couple of excellent movies ... The Browning Version with Michael Redgrave and Captain Blood with Errol Flynn. Earlier in the day we slept through Easy Living with Lucille Ball and Victor Mature. I have a hunch we didn’t really miss much, however.
Tomorrow is “Cyber Monday,” when all the geniuses who skipped Black Friday are expected to pull out their credit cards and shop online. This is actually an anti-climactic event for yours truly because I shop online 365 days a year. Take it from me ... if you’re not buying toilet paper, discount gefilte fish, inkjet cartridges and insulin needles from, you don’t know what you’re missing!

Thank you for reading this.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thank you for putting up with this.

Let’s take a trip back in time to the early 1950s when yours truly was an impressionable little kid watching some mighty strange — but absolutely unforgettable — children’s programming on local television in Chicago.

My favorite show by far was “Garfield Goose and Friends” hosted by Frazier Thomas. The aforementioned goose was king of the United States, Frazier was his prime minister, and a variety of odd puppet pals rounded out the cast. Shown below from left to right are Beauregard Burnside III, Christmas Goose (Garfield’s nephew), Romberg Rabbit, Garfield and Macintosh Mouse. For the record, none of these critters made any sound whatsoever and Frazier Thomas had to “translate” everything they said.
After a quick search on YouTube I found video clips of the two best holiday cartoons from this show, a couple of really goofy Christmas favorites that my sister and I went nuts for ... “Here Comes Suzy Snowflake” and “Hardrock, Coco and Joe.” For the record, when I watched the “Suzy Snowflake” video last night for the first time in about 55 years I actually remembered every single word. (Sam said it was a little frightening.)

Another favorite and thoroughly weird children’s program was “Susan’s Show” starring a young teen named Susan Heinkel who used to fly to Wonderville on a magic kitchen stool (my mother had one exactly like it) and sing songs with a talking table named Mr. Pegasus. It’s entirely possible that the creators of this series used drugs. Judge for yourself from the video clip below. I adored this show.

All of a sudden I’ve got a huge craving for Twinkies. Thank you for reading this.

Gloriosky ... it’s raining!

Half an hour ago I woke up to the awesome sound of water beating against the windows. Sure looks like the bozos weren’t lying to us this time … they predicted rain and we actually GOT it! The map below offers incontrovertible proof, and the bright red star indicates Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. I’m the one drinking lemonade with my face smooshed against the window. (Please feel free to wave so I’ll know you’re watching.)
Depending what time the rain finally ends today maybe Sam and I will have a chance to get out for a while and “do lunch” at one of our favorite restaurants ... Mariano’s Hacienda or dim sum at Hong Kong Royal. I’m actually hungry enough to go RIGHT NOW, although I might not have much luck convincing Sam because it’s 6 a.m., he’s sound asleep and nothing’s open. That being said, I suppose I’ll take this opportunity to go back to bed and enjoy the sound of the rain for a few more hours. Thank you for reading this.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Seriously, this is why I shop online.

Happy Black Friday, the official kickoff of the Christmas season, when happy shoppers nationwide — many apparently carrying explosives and concealed weapons in case the store runs out of Barbies — assault each other with pepper spray, maul other shoppers who had the nerve to show up first, trample each other in line and, finally, rob each other at gunpoint in the parking lot if you manage to snag the laptop somebody else wanted.

Black Friday has to be the most appalling day EVER to consider walking into a retail establishment. This year our local lunatics started camping out in front of Mesquite’s big box stores 48 hours before Thanksgiving. Sorry kids, no turkey this year because mommy wants a cheap Android. Here’s a video clip of a near-riot in the Mesquite Wal-Mart shortly before midnight this morning, which captures a group of eager Christians preparing to celebrate the birth of Christ. (Oy.)

Sam is at the office today. He’s all alone and working first shift, something he volunteered to do in order to take a full week off starting January 2, which is a wonderful time to have a vacation after the crazy holidays are finished, as depicted above. We have no firm plans yet, although a trip to the Choctaw Casino is always at the top of our list providing we don’t have an ice storm.

And now for a burning question ... do you have a lot of leftovers from yesterday? We’ve got plenty, and I even made Sam a “Thanksgiving sandwich” to take with him to work today, which consisted of turkey, mayo, stuffing and cranberry sauce between two big slices of homemade Italian country bread.
I strongly recommend this sandwich as a wise use of leftovers, although it’s a little too much for yours truly because I’m what you’d call “dentally challenged.”

I suppose no post would be complete with a Club Meds update, right? My newest medication, Gemfibrozil, lists some interesting potential side effects, the two most common being gastrointestinal distress and fatigue. I’ve been having both for the last several days, but I guess I should be grateful I’m not also experiencing nausea, jaundice, vertigo, dark urine, atrial fibrillation or acute appendicitis. Holy crap, this is like a horror movie in a pill.

Please send me some sugar-free lemon jello. Thank you for reading this.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Howdygram honors a couple of turkeys.

As a respected blogger and a responsible journalist I believe it’s my job to make sure everybody focuses on what’s really important on Thanksgiving. Therefore I’m pleased to post the following video clip, which seems to prove that Dallas Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones — frequently considered a turkey in his own right — wears a HAIRPIECE.

Speculation about Jerry’s hair is a very large deal here in north Texas, and I’m honored that the Howdygram has an opportunity to bring this issue to the forefront.

In other news, our feast from Boston Market is warming up in the oven and I, for one, can’t wait to eat! For me, Thanksgiving has always been the #1 best food holiday, and although I have no sugar-free dessert this year I plan to watch closely as Sam stuffs himself with the sweet potato pie he bought yesterday by mistake at Tom Thumb. (He thought it was pumpkin. Sam needs reading glasses.)

Thanks for stopping by and happy Thanksgiving.

You never have to baste a movie.

It’s still the middle of the night around here and I’ll probably go back to bed as soon as I finish writing this, but I wanted to remind all Howdygram readers that Thanksgiving is a lot more than TURKEY.
Although Sam and I sincerely hope you’ve got a glorious spread like this planned for dinner (feel free to skip the weird muffins and dead leaves), you should also pay attention to Turner Classic Movies, where you can stuff yourself with a smorgasbord of excellent films and never gain an ounce. You also don’t have to baste them, carve them or fight with anybody about who gets the wishbone. Here’s what I’ll be recording today (all times listed are Central) ...
  • Meet Me in St. Louis, 9:45 a.m., Judy Garland (1944)
  • The Music Man, 12:45 p.m., Shirley Jones, Robert Preston (1962)
  • Little Miss Marker, 3:30 p.m., Shirley Temple, Adolphe Menjou (1934)
  • Miracle on 34th Street, 5 p.m., Maureen O’Hara, Natalie Wood (1947)
  • A Night at the Opera, 10:45 p.m., The Marx Brothers (1935)
  • Shall We Dance, 2:00 a.m. (Friday), Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers (1937)
For the record, I gave up on Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade a couple of decades ago when organizers turned it into a shameless plug for Broadway shows performed by a bunch of people I never heard of lip-synching in 40-degree weather. It surprises me that Macy’s never figured out that 99% of Americans have no clue (and don’t care) who’s appearing on Broadway ... unless it’s Bernadette Peters, who must be old enough to collect Social Security by now.

Thank you for reading this. Save me some gravy.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Breaking news and migraines.

Two very nice (and very punctual) technicians from Display Systems, Inc. came over this afternoon to replace the projection lamp in our big-screen TV, which burns out every few years depending on how addicted you are to Turner Classic Movies. Today was a much better — and much cheaper — experience than last time this happened, when the store that sold us our TV sent over an arrogant slob who showed up eight hours late and charged nearly $500 for a $140 part that took less than five minutes to install. I wrote a complaint letter to the company’s home office and they refunded the entire cost. (I write the world’s best complaint letters. Ask Sam if you think I’m kidding.)

Apparently our neighbors to the north are getting their carpets cleaned today. Normally I wouldn’t give a crap about this except for the last three hours there’s been an orange Stanley Steemer van on their driveway (see sample van, below) running a generator that sounds like a Lufthansa 747 waiting for takeoff. I’m crabby, the whole house is vibrating, I’ve got a migraine and I don’t think anything would cheer me up right now ... and that includes pizza, halva or a Ronald Colman movie.
Doing anything exciting on Turkey Day? After we pick up our annual feast from Boston Market at 1:30 Sam and I will watch the Cowboys/Dolphins game at 3:15 on CBS ... providing we can stay awake long enough. This sounds pretty perfect to me.
Happy Thanksgiving from the Howdygram! Please feel free to send your leftovers via email. We promise to take good care of them.

Discounts and two horrible things.

Attention shoppers! I just found out there’s a new website that condenses all of AARP’s senior discounts in one convenient spot, and it’s a swell idea because I just printed a bunch $1-off grocery coupons and used a 25% Teleflora discount to order a bouquet for my mother’s birthday. Click here if you’re an AARP member.

And now, a couple of horrible things. First, I completely forgot to place our Schwan’s order online last night, which means the delivery dude will call later this morning to find out what the hell happened to me and I’ll have to read him my order over the phone. Technically I guess this isn’t so horrible after all.

Second, I attempted a trip to Kroger yesterday to use some of those aforementioned AARP grocery coupons and the parking lot was such a madhouse I turned around and drove home. I give up easily these days, especially if I can’t find a handicapped spot or a non-handicapped spot that’s near the entrance. It’s not that I’m totally lazy, mind you, but a jammed parking lot is a clear signal that the store is jammed, too, and my knees give out if I have to stand in line. Crying, waving my cane at the cashier and muttering obscenities usually doesn’t make the checkout process any faster. Trust me. (I’ve tried.)

I’d love to continue writing but all of a sudden I’m really tired and think I should go to bed. Thank you for not trying to stop me.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hey, what’s that sound?

This morning I woke up at 2:30 to a rhythmic pounding sound. At first I thought a faucet was dripping in the shower. Nope. Then I wandered around from room to room for a few minutes. It rained last night … maybe the roof was leaking. Nope, although I thought the pounding sound got louder in the kitchen. I was actually on my way to the front door to see if it was coming from the neighbor’s yard when I felt out of breath and sat down on a bench in the foyer. That’s when I realized what was going on … the pounding sound was MY OWN HEARTBEAT. 

Bottom line … I take a lot of meds with a ton of potential side effects, and one of them, Amitriptyline, lists “vivid dreams.” They’re definitely not kidding about this. A vivid dream is exactly what woke me up this morning, and the experience can be summed up in one word: HOLY CRAP. (Okay, two words.)

And now for something completely different. I recently ordered a present online for Sam that came in yesterday’s mail.
I highly recommend The theme of the tee shirt pictured here, in case you’re interested, is from “King of the Hill,” a now-defunct animated TV series about life in Texas that was so dead-on accurate we’d laugh until we couldn’t breathe.

And now I think I’ll eat a couple of sugar-free DeMet’s Turtles for breakfast because I’m on a health food kick. Thank you for reading this.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Chinese seniors channel Lady Gaga.

Thought you might enjoy this video clip ... a mystifying musical tribute to Lady Gaga featuring a bunch of peppy Chinese senior citizens. I’ve watched this thing twice and really don’t get it, so please let me know what you think if you have a few free minutes, okay?

I should go make some dinner because it’s getting late, I’m hungry and there’s a great movie on TCM at 7 that I can’t wait to see (again). It’s My Sister Eileen ... the 1955 version with Betty Garrett, Janet Leigh, Jack Lemmon and Bob Fosse. There’s almost nothing better than a big bowl of bean soup and a good musical. Seriously.

Thanks for stopping by.

Miscellaneous Monday crapola.

Why everybody loves us. For those of you who may be interested, the four most popular Howdygram posts of all time are Marie Osmond looks like a drag queen (read), Paula Deen’s plastic surgery (read) and two about the ugliest world leaders of all time (click here and here). Exceptionally popular Google searches continue to send these pageviews through the roof. I suppose I could write about Marie, Paula and ugly world leaders more often, except there isn’t much else to say. Marie is still Marie, Paula is still Paula, and all of those ugly world leaders are still ugly. Moammar Gaddafi, however, is looking better than he used to because he’s currently DEAD.

Let’s talk onions rings. Remember that old adage, “you can’t judge a book by its cover”? Take a look at the two photos below. I’d be willing to bet you’d never in a million years think that Schwan’s frozen onion rings are as good as those hand-battered beauties from Scotty P’s, our favorite local burger joint! Actually, they’re NOT ... except Schwan’s are still pretty good, and I’m even getting ready to order my second bag this week.
Please note that Sam hasn’t tried Schwan’s onion rings yet, and his review should carry a lot more weight than mine because he’s basically the Roger Ebert of onion rings and pretty hard to please. I’ll feed him a few over Thanksgiving weekend and let you know what he thinks. Try to remain calm in the meantime.

The retail excursion. I just got home from an exhilarating little shopping junket! My first stop was Bed, Bath & Beyond, where I returned an annoying bedskirt and bought a nice rug for inside the back door and an extra throw pillow for the master bedroom. Then, in a mad rush of energy and inspiration, I drove over to Hobby Lobby (like Michael’s, but bigger) for two silk plants and a little bag of sugar-free DeMet’s Turtles that jumped into my cart during checkout. (I’m eating one as I write this post.)

Dr. M has added another new prescription to my ongoing regimen of maintenance drugs, this time for high triglycerides. I’m taking Gemfibrozil now, twice a day ... 30 minutes before breakfast and dinner. Personally, I’m not crazy about prescriptions that have to be coordinated with meals because they cramp my style. Even worse, these pills are GINORMOUS. (See below, depicted at actual size.) I might have to practice by swallowing a couple of whole DeMet’s Turtles.
Thank you for reading this.

The weather bozos cry “wolf.”

No surprise ... last night’s “90% guaranteed” weather event (see previous post) vanished into thin air. As a matter of fact, between 7 and 10 p.m. — the time span we were actually under a “severe thunderstorm watch” — the probability dropped to 10% and we didn’t even see a drop of rain., of course, is still attempting to pull our collective leg with yet another bogus prediction ... this time, a scary system of severe thunderstorms with hail and wind — Auntie Em! — is supposed to roll through here beginning at 11 a.m.

Fat chance. As far as I’m concerned the weather bozos have cried “wolf” for the last time and I’m going back to bed now. More later, okay?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Watching for weather.

The National Weather Service has issued a thunderstorm watch for all of north Texas — including Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite — until 11 p.m. tonight. Trust me, “watches” are a meaningless threat around here because the storms almost never materialize. (We’re still in the middle of an “excessive drought.”) Tonight might be different, though. I just noticed there’s a 90% chance of severe thunderstorms from 7 to 10 p.m., which makes it a lot more probable than the typical storm watch. I sincerely hope Sam will be home before the fun starts because we enjoy watching weather together. He’s still at work.

The Cowboys won today. All of a sudden everyone loves Tony Romo again.
Don’t tell anybody, but I didn’t actually see the whole game. I gave up halfway through when the Redskins were ahead and watched a very good whodunit from 1939 called The Lone Wolf Spy Hunt (see below) with Ida Lupino and Warren William. Sam called afterwards with the final score.
For the record, I don’t regret my choice because I like Warren William more than Tony Romo. He’s great in mysteries and always reminds me of a classic silent movie villain with that screwy pencil mustache.

I think I’ll take a hot shower now and then rearrange some plants and doodads. If you run into Sam, please tell him to come home. Thank you.

Understanding pointless procrastination.

I don’t think I understand why I tend to postpone the inevitable … especially when the inevitable is really cheap and easy. For example, ever since we moved into this house four and a half years ago our junk drawer in the master bathroom has been a tangled-up nightmare of half-used tubes of ointment, razor refills, teeny toothpaste samples, old lipsticks, loose pills, tweezers, three kinds of cuticle scissors, miniature bottles of hand lotion from Best Western, bandaids and a variety of other whatnots. And every time I open that damn drawer I promise myself to get organized.

Well, yee-ha and mazel tov, it finally happened. I just ordered this excellent bamboo organizer from and it only required a 45-second search to find exactly what I wanted.
It’s 18" wide and expands to 17½" long … a perfect fit for our drawer. I know Sam will be as excited about this as I am, although it’s also possible he may not even notice. I’ll let y’all know what happens either way. You won’t have to wait too long because Amazon says I should receive my delivery by Wednesday.

I’m going back to the Cowboys game now. Thank you for reading this.

Happiness and updates.

It’s Sunday in Howdygramland and there are millions of things to be happy about! For instance:
  1. Our new bed was FABULOUS last night.
  2. Sam ate two donuts for breakfast.
  3. We’ve got a 40% chance of thunderstorms this afternoon.
  4. The Dallas Cowboys play the Washington Redskins at noon.
  5. There’s leftover pizza in the refrigerator.
  6. I can’t think of anything else.
And now, for those of you trying to keep up with breaking news from posts I wrote a few days ago, I’m pleased to offer the following updates.

Update #1. That gigantic carton I received from Kirkland’s (see post) did, in fact, contain a 20-inch candle runner with enough padding to ship the White House china to Mars. Ironically, I had to return the stupid thing on Thursday because it arrived BENT.

Update #2. I also plan to return the mocha-color bedskirt I bought at Bed Bath & Beyond (see post) because I couldn’t get the wrinkles out. I figured three hours was enough time to devote to this idiotic adventure and eventually just gave up. It was a crushing disappointment and one from which I may never ever recover. (I might be kidding about this.)

Update #3. Apparently I’m the victim of a “Perryesque” brain freeze where my diabetes meds are concerned. For the last six weeks I’ve been injecting the wrong dose of Victoza — 1.2 mg instead of 1.8 — which might explain why my blood sugar numbers have been a little too high. The big “holy crap” moment occurred a few hours after my appointment with Dr. M on Friday (see post) when I realized she told me to start injecting the higher dose the last time I saw her back in September. Yours truly feels like a total crackpot about this.

Sam is back at the office today, so apparently I’ll be watching the Cowboys all by myself and won’t have to share any leftovers unless y’all want to come on over and watch the game with me here in Texas. Please send an email if this appeals to you.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Meet the newest member of our family.

In case you’re interested, our new bed arrived right on time tonight and willingly posed for the informal portrait that appears below. Sam got home about an hour later and helped me horse around with the mattress pad, linens and quilt because I don’t have enough strength in my hands any more for projects like that. Carpal tunnel is crappy and can definitely make a person feel useless.
As I write this post Sam is unconscious in the family room. He worked 17 consecutive hours today and pretty much looked like a hobo when he got home at 7:30. I almost hate to wake him up to go to bed, but I’ll give it my best shot because I don’t want him to miss the maiden voyage of our new Sealy Posturepedic. Shalom, y’all.

Where’s our new bed and other Saturday activities.

Today is Bed Swap Day at Howdygram headquarters, and I’m waiting for Mattress Firm as I write this post. When we checked with our salesman last night he said the truck would be here between 4 and 7 p.m. to haul away our defective Beautyrest and deliver the new Posturepedic we picked out on Thursday. So far so good, but with one exception … SAM IS AT WORK TODAY. This is an “on call” weekend for him, and after vaulting out of bed to answer pages and emails every hour all night long he finally just got dressed at 7 this morning and shlepped downtown to the office. And he’s been there ever since.

I’m in charge of everything here at home while Sam is gone, which so far has included reheating leftover chicken chow mein for lunch, emptying our kitchen garbage can, stripping the quilt and linens off our outgoing Beautyrest, napping through an episode of “Antiques Roadshow” and, whenever the doorbell rings, supervising all activities involving Mattress Firm. At the moment I’m attempting to tumble dry the wrinkles out of our new bedskirt — for the third time — with no success whatsoever. The stupid thing has creases so deep I think they’re sewn into the fabric. Guess you could say I’m livin’ la vida loca, but please don’t be jealous.

On another subject altogether, please allow me to share the following Rick Perry cartoon for your possible interest. 
Please believe that I’m not alone in my disdain for this screwball because I have yet to find anybody in the state of Texas who doesn’t think Rick Perry is a self-righteous bimbo, as evidenced by an ongoing flood of editorials and commentary in the Dallas Morning News, the Texas Monthly, the Houston Chronicle and the Dallas Observer.

Oy, I’m hungry. Thanks for stopping by.

There’s a lot of stupid going on around here.

Breaking news. It seems that good ol’ boy Rick Perry is having a tough time raising funds after a series of devastating debate performances and sinking poll numbers. The Houston Chronicle reported this week that “Perry loyalists are working hard to ensure that the Texas governor has enough cash to survive the early stages of the presidential campaign” even though damn near everybody believes Perry “is on a negative trajectory.” Yup.

Perry’s most recent gaffe occurred Friday during an interview on Fox News when he blasted the Obama administration for traveling to foreign countries and not protecting American jobs. Obviously Perry was clueless that’s exactly what President Obama just did on his Asian economic trip … scoring more than 110,000 jobs for Boeing and U.S. manufacturers by selling jets to an Indonesian airline. Duhh.

Bottom line … throwing more money into Perry’s campaign would be a lot like buying extra deck chairs for the Titanic.
God bless Texas, y’all. And I mean this sincerely.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Just when you thought you’d seen it all ...

I ran across this news story on a few minutes ago, and now I’m more convinced than ever that society must be terminally ill. Judge for yourself.

Oneal Ron Morris of Miami Gardens, Florida, is facing charges of practicing medicine without a license after police say she injected a patient’s buttocks with toxic substances in an illegal cosmetic surgery procedure. According to police, Morris injected cement, “Fix a Flat,” mineral oil and Super Glue and then sealed the amateur incision with glue. The victim was hospitalized with a serious medical condition resulting from the injections.

Morris is a transgender woman with an impressive enhanced ass of her own, as shown in the arrest photos below. It is unknown if officers were able to squeeze her into an average-sized jail cell.
This person makes me feel exceptionally teeny. Seriously.

A bevy of assorted bulletins.

Wake up. I’ve got a few urgent bulletins from the Howdygram news desk.

Bulletin #1. I haven’t eaten anything yet today and my stomach is making some creepy noises. Food would be an excellent idea, and it’s number one on my agenda after I write this post.

Bulletin #2. I saw Dr. M this morning. She increased the dosage for one of my diabetes meds (injectable Victoza) and might add a new pill for high triglycerides when we find out the results of my lab tests on Monday. All in all it was an uneventful office visit with exception of my stellar, textbook-perfect blood pressure (110/70) and a shingles vaccine. Also, the lobby of the clinic was so busy at 9 a.m. it looked like the perfume counter at Macy’s the week before Christmas.

Bulletin #3. After Sam left for work this afternoon I drove over to Bed Bath & Beyond to pick up a few new goodies, such as a king-size mocha-colored bedskirt, a stunning new patterned throw pillow and a chrome shower caddy. I’ll try to shoot a few photos this afternoon but I’m not promising anything.

Bulletin #4. I don’t know about YOU, but I’m really sick of crappy news … and lately it seems that we’re suffocating in it 24 hours a day. For instance, there are ongoing problems with the safety of our nation’s food supply because whenever I look at any of the major news websites they’re warning us about moldy applesauce, glow-in-the-dark nuclear rice from Japan, contaminated Skippy peanut butter, contaminated Ready Pac bagged salads, contaminated pistachios, contaminated ground turkey, contaminated ground beef, dangerous eggs (McDonald’s had to dump its biggest supplier) and tainted EVERYTHING from China. It’s gotten to the point that my entire diet consists of Cheetos, halva and Coke Zero. And if the food issues aren’t scary enough, all of a sudden we find out there’s a crew of greedy waiters in some of New York City’s finest steakhouses hacking into their customers’ American Express accounts and a low-life yacht captain insisting that Robert Wagner murdered his wife back in 1981.

Pictured above are Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood — possibly the most beautiful couple EVER — and the grubby doofus named Dennis Davern (see inset) who wants her accidental drowning reinvestigated.

I’ll bet you’ve noticed by now that I changed the Howdygram font. I might change it back later today but for now I’d rather eat lunch. Thank you for reading this.

Defending the indefensible.

I found this incredible video clip online and wanted to share it with y’all. It’s Jon Stewart from “The Daily Show,” commenting on Bob Costas’ recent interview with America’s premier deviant, Jerry Sandusky.

Holy crapola.

Trivia Issue #1. This week Sam got fed up with our dry cleaner after a lousy customer service experience with the owner’s snotty wife. He decides to try Pyramid Cleaners four blocks from home, where they hand him an illegible receipt for his dress shirts scribbled on the back of somebody else’s cash register tape. And if that’s not creepy enough … when Sam goes back to pick up his order yesterday it’s in a plastic bag from the Hilton Fontainebleau in Miami Beach.

Sam won’t be going back. Fortunately, there are plenty of other options here in Mesquite, as clearly illustrated on the map that follows.
Trivia Issue #2. The Howdygram is very thankful for store warranties. This afternoon when Sam got home from his third and final root canal treatment we drove over to Mattress Firm and arranged to return our new — and visibly saggy — king-size Simmons Beautyrest bed. Maybe we’re just a couple of cranky consumers for expecting a $2,100 mattress set to last a little longer than six months! The store was very accommodating, however, and we picked out a swell Sealy Posturepedic (pictured below) to take its place … and it even cost $457 less than the Simmons.
The big swap is scheduled for Saturday and you’re welcome to come over and watch. Please send an email if you’re interested. I’ll get a coffee cake.

I have a doctor appointment this morning at 9:15, just a routine quarterly thing for lab work and possibly to adjust my meds. I already know my blood sugar numbers aren’t as low as they should be since I started using injectable Victoza, but I don’t want Dr. M to get me started on insulin. Insulin has drawbacks, the biggest one being that it turns your extra glucose into fat rather than energy … and if there’s one thing I definitely don’t need, it’s FAT.

Bedtime. Don’t forget to turn out the lights when you’re through here.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

These “sexy men” are a couple of genuine duds.

I think I’m going to be sick. Today “People” magazine announced the winner of their “sexiest man alive” for 2011 … an actor named Bradley Cooper who I’ve never heard of. And the runner-up was Ryan Gosling, somebody ELSE who I never heard of. Apparently this is what’s sexy in the 21st century … beady eyes, grubby beards, hairy necks and a BEANIE.
“People” magazine can’t be serious. These two screwballs look like a pair of grimy MUGGERS and if I saw them on a subway platform I’d probably call the cops. It seems that the whole world has forgotten what a gorgeous movie star is supposed to look like. So with that in mind, I’m pleased to offer the following gallery for your possible interest and amusement.
You’ll note that all of these magnificent gentlemen are neat and clean with great hair, non-beady eyes, excellent clothes and — holy crap — enough sex appeal to ignite the petrified forest. Unfortunately, the only one still living is Robert Wagner, who’s as adorable at 81 as he was at 30. And I’d be willing to bet he’s never had a hairy neck or decided to pose in a beanie for a publicity photo.

I just got home from Kroger and have to put away my groceries EXCEPT for a sugar-free lemon pound cake, which I plan to eat immediately with a large glass of milk. Thank you for reading this.

A closer look at clowns and Munchkins.

Some crushing, late-breaking news … the Howdygram is mourning Karl Slover, one of the last surviving Munchkins from the 1939 classic The Wizard of Oz. He was 93 and died of cardiac arrest on Tuesday in a suburban Atlanta hospital. Karl appears below in a 2007 photo taken at the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I truly think those costumes are scary.
Slover said he was paid $50 per week as the main trumpeter in the Munchkinland band and always grumbled that Toto earned more.
In Toto’s defense, he appeared in just about every scene with Judy Garland, saved her life when she was locked up in the witch’s castle and had a MUCH bigger part (and more lines) than Slover or any of the Munchkins. I’m just saying.

A brief note to GOP clown screwball secessionist candidate Rick Perry: your brilliant new anti-government brainstorm already has a name. It’s called SEDITION, and I believe it’s still illegal. Perry wants to make Congressmen part-time positions and cut their salaries in half to drive out entrenched lawmakers and transform the legislative branch into a “citizen Congress.” Conservative pundit Norm Ornstein described Perry’s plan as “lunacy” and noted that we’d end up with a bunch of billionaires in those posts, a presidency with way too much power and Congress absent for half the year. Apparently Perry, whose political viability has been reduced to a nice hairdo, will promote just about ANYTHING to keep his campaign alive.

I should go back to bed now. Thank you for reading this.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you …

FedEx, probably the most anti-social shipper on earth, was here about an hour ago to drop off a couple of deliveries. They don’t actually wait for a person to get to the front door … they just ring your bell and haul ass.

What I found on my doorstep today was a bit of a surprise … two gigantic and mysterious cartons from Kirkland’s, one of them almost tall enough for me to stand up in. The reason I’m slightly baffled is, the only merchandise I’ve ordered from Kirkland’s recently are two candle runners (see my earlier post) and both are less than 20 inches long. It’s almost frightening to think that an Einstein in Kirkland’s shipping department thought it was necessary to package one of them in a carton that’s more than five feet high.

I’ll ask Sam to bring in both boxes when he gets home from work. Stay tuned for further developments, but please feel free to go about your normal routine in the meantime.

I had a little fun online today. I ordered some cool wallplates and outlet covers from, which included a very nice solid oak for the guest room and textured bronze for our second bath. Then I discovered a new website called that sells — among other things — a ton of essential products for diabetics, such as SUGAR-FREE OREOS, bags of SUGAR-FREE CARAMELS and SUGAR-FREE HEINZ KETCHUP. Yee-ha! Portraits of everything I ordered appear below for your possible interest.
I also subscribed to repeat deliveries of Ziploc quart storage bags on … we’ll get three boxes of 50 bags every five months. I didn’t think it would be necessary to include a photo with this post because I suspect you already know what Ziploc bags look like, but here’s one anyway, in case you grew up in a South American jungle or just got released from prison.
I don’t know about YOU, but here are a couple of seriously over-exposed faces that are getting on my nerves.
Frankly, I do NOT need a news bulletin every time Gabrielle Giffords has a gas pain or Pippa Middleton is discovered shopping for groceries without lipstick. The media should be focusing on more serious issues, such as did Kim Kardashian’s mother get liposuction and is Rick Perry actually promoting sedition when he announces his plan to screw the Constitution and dismantle the Federal government. (The answer to both would be YES.)

Thank you for reading this.