The art of George W. Bush is a paint-by-numbers project for retired war criminals.

In this post: Equal Pay for Women, crap art.

I forgot to mention in my last post that useless Republican hacks in the Senate pretty much told America’s working women, who still only earn 77¢ for every dollar earned by men, to drop dead today by killing the Equal Pay for Women bill.

I want weather and I want it now.

In this post: No weather, Dubya reappears.

Hello, people. It’s Thursday afternoon in north Texas and we still don’t have any weather even though the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com still insist we’re on the radar for severe crap of one form or another. Tornadoes, I think. That’s horseshit. A news tidbit on the Dallas Morning News’ website says an isolated storm passed across Denton — about 58 miles north of Howdygram headquarters — about an hour ago and dumped some hail in the parking lot at Texas Woman’s University. Big deal. I’m not impressed by this in any way whatsoever. I WANT WEATHER AND I WANT IT NOW. Thank you.

Sam welcomes the Obamas to Dallas.

There’s a huge hoo-hah tonight in Dallas because all of our former presidents are flying into town for the George W. Bush Presidential Center dedication tomorrow. Sam called me during his dinner break tonight at work and said swarms of Secret Service, police cars and big black Suburbans were streaming into the Crescent Hotel across the courtyard from his office. The Obamas are staying overnight at the Omni, so the big show at the Crescent had to be for the Carters or the Clintons. Is this exciting, or what?

In case you’re wondering, I didn’t forget. In an earlier post I promised to write a review of Schwan’s pre-cooked, pre-cubed chicken whatnots, and here it is. In a word: I’M NOT IMPRESSED. (Okay, fine. That’s three words.)

These little wads of white meat chicken are very attractive and convenient as hell, but there are a couple of major negatives: 1) they’ve got the texture of a poached mousepad; and 2) they’re insanely overpriced to the tune of $13.11 for 1½ pounds. That last point is especially important when you consider Schwan’s sells a five-pound sack of really beautiful individually-frozen boneless chicken boobies for only three bucks more. Thank you.

When Sam finally gets home from work tonight — hopefully by midnight — we’re going watch Artists and Models (1955) starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, which I recorded a few hours ago on the Retro movie channel.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Artists and Models, believe it or not, because nobody ever shows the old Martin and Lewis comedies on TV ... and I don’t know why! A couple of days ago Sam and I watched Martin and Lewis in The Stooge (1953) and it was HILARIOUS. Nobody does comedy like Jerry Lewis. I adore this guy.

Without a doubt, though, one of my favorite Jerry Lewis shticks is from The Patsy (1964) when he’s in a studio recording “I Lost My Heart in a Drive-In Movie” with three backup singers.

I guess that’s about it for tonight, people. Sam’s on his way home (he just called) and I’m craving pickles, Beanit Butter and chocolate Soy Slender soy milk. For the record, my taste buds are definitely NOT aging very well.

Thank you for reading this.

Tonight’s menu: Practically Spaghetti and Meat Sauce.

Hi, kids. It’s me, Marcy! Remember the $15 lamp I ordered from Wal-Mart.com (see post) a couple of days ago? Sam assembled the silly thing this morning and it’s actually cute. VERY cute. And they even included a free 40-watt CFL bulb, one of those new environmentally-friendly corkscrew things. I’m impressed. When was the last time you bought a lamp at any price that included a free bulb?

There’s a big brou-ha-ha developing here in the Dallas area over a proposal by Texas State Representative Dan Branch to rename an eight-mile stretch of our North Central Expressway for George W. Bush. The backlash, as you might expect, has been nothing short of fierce. As I see it, there are three major arguments against this travesty.

• Argument #1. We already have a huge George H.W. Bush Turnpike (named for Dubya’s father) that’s referred to simply as “the Bush.” I wouldn’t joke about this.
• Argument #2. Dallas recently renamed a major boulevard near Southern Methodist University “George Bush Avenue” because it’s adjacent to Dubya’s new presidential library.
• Argument #3. George W. Bush makes everybody sick, including Republicans and especially me.

Aside from the fact that naming yet another major Dallas artery for somebody named Bush would cause far too much confusion — i.e., “take the Bush to the Bush and go south on the Bush” — plenty of us have a real problem with who it’s being named for. Although Representative Branch insists this would only involve renaming a “small section” of the North Central Expressway, it happens to be the most important section ... an eight-mile stretch through all of downtown and the historical and cultural epicenter of the city. George W. Bush may live here, but we sure as hell don’t have to turn this into a never-ending celebration. Holy crap.

Join the fight — especially if you live in Texas — and sign this petition. Thank y’all.

And as long as I’m into politics and petitions (for a nice change of pace, right?), I hope you’ll sign this petition to encourage President Obama NOT TO CUT SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS. In an effort to spark budget talks he volunteered to include a miserable GOP proposal for “chained CPI,” a program that Republicans like to pretend is a smart solution to Social Security cost of living adjustments. In truth, chained CPI is a serious cut to benefits that hurts senior citizens ... and in case you’ve forgotten, I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN.

At the moment I’m also a hungry senior citizen, so I think I’ll mosey into the kitchen and whip up a big pot of Practically Spaghetti and Meat Sauce. This involves two bags of zero-calorie Miracle Noodles, half a jar of low-carb Bella Vita pasta sauce, hot pepper flakes, two drops of EZ Sweetz (no kidding, two drops!), half a cup of Thrive rehydrated beef TVP and a heap o’ parmesan cheese. This is damn good stuff, people. DAMN GOOD. And it tastes even better when you’re watching “Project Runway.”

Thank you for reading this.

Presenting the secret works of George W. Bush.

Yes, dear readers, it’s been a while since my last Howdygram post. I blame the lapse on a four-day flare-up of diabetic neuropathy, which left me virtually sleepless for several consecutive nights. I managed to catch up (a little) during the day with naps on the chaise in the family room, but at all other times I was crabby, struggling, frustrated by a laundry list of side effects and decidedly unfunny and uninspired. But today — glorioski! — I’m feeling a hell of lot better. Sam and I watched everybody’s favorite Easter movie, Godzilla: King of the Monsters (1956), starring a giant fake lizard, Raymond Burr at his mind-numbing worst (see below) and throngs of screaming Japanese. We also enjoyed a couple of very pleasant Warner Baxter mysteries, Just Before Dawn (1946) and Crime Doctor (1943).

In case you’ve missed this in other places on the Internet — such as Gawker.com and The Huffington Post — the Howdygram Fine Art Museum is pleased to present the secret works of George W. Bush, recently discovered by an enterprising hacker who got into the emails of George’s sister and shared his attachments with the world. Personally, I think these paintings are all rather juvenile but definitely a lot better than anything I could do. George’s grapes, in particular, are excellent.

And now for the latest from North Korea, who yesterday issued its “Ultimate Definite Last Totally Final Warning” to the United States before launching a thermo-nuclear war. While nobody really understands why the devil these idiots are always so angry, I think it’s important to note the primary targets on Supreme Twerp Kim Jong Un’s latest map. These include Guam, Hawaii, Los Angeles, New York City, Washington, D.C. and (of all places) Austin, Texas. Austin, Texas? Holy crap. Maybe bombing Austin wouldn’t be such a bad idea if we could get rid of Rick Perry and the Texas legislature! I’m just saying.

Sam and I would like to wish y’all a Happy Easter if that’s what you’re celebrating today. In the spirit of holiday entertainment I’m pleased to include this hilarious slideshow of Peeps dioramas. Thank you for reading this!

Everybody knows that frosted cake is the perfect food for all sporting events.

Great news, boys and girls! I’ve got a ton of fabulous crapola lined up for this Howdygram post and there’s no better time to get started than RIGHT NOW. Sam is at the office — yes, on Sunday — indefinitely, I just watched Tiger Woods win the Arnold Palmer Invitational, and for the moment I’m all through horsing around with that new website project while my client tweaks a few final edits. I’m all yours. Holy crap, right?

First, please allow me to extend heartfelt congratulations to Tiger Woods from everybody at the Howdygram Sports Desk for winning the aforementioned PGA tournament. By the time he got to the 18th hole — with 20,000 spectators chanting his name — he was so visibly excited he almost couldn’t putt. I know exactly how this feels! (I might be joking.) Note to Tiger: shave the stupid goatee.

I saw in the news that psychopathic former vice president Dick Cheney, 71, received a heart transplant yesterday at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Virginia. I find this absolutely SHOCKING as I didn’t know the conspiratorial fearmonger ever had a heart to begin with! During the George Dubya Bush administration Cheney’s first official assignments in February 2001 were to help organize wiretaps to spy on American citizens and conspire with oil companies to plan the invasion of Iraq. Around the same time he also was asked to head the Counter-Terrorism Task Force, although he held no meetings and ignored hundreds of written warnings about Osama bin Laden for nearly seven months. Cheney finally convened the CTTF on September 12, the day after the destruction of the World Trade Center. So you can imagine how happy I am that Satan gets a new heart. Isn’t medical science wonderful?

What some might consider the perfect segue, please join me in wishing a happy 60th birthday to Hasbro’s first big-seller, Mr. Potato Head.

I had a Mr. Potato Head when I was little. At the time it was just a box of push-pin body parts (eyes, lips, feet, etc.) that you jabbed into a real potato, which was big fun for about seven minutes. Unfortunately if you forgot to throw out the used spud afterwards you wound up with a moldy monster sprouting horns, which always sent me screaming all over the house at three years old. Thanks for the nightmares, Hasbro.

And now for a couple of Howdygram product announcements! First, just in case you’re a pious Christian who celebrates Easter with mountains of sugar you’ll surely want to buy a Giant Gummy Bunny for friends and loved ones. It’s 6½ inches tall, costs $14 and comes in your choice of three religious flavors. You can order yours here.

Second, are you ready for some crap from Pawley’s Island, South Carolina? Then I’d like to introduce you Bird Crap, a custom-blended seasoning that’s supposed to “taste great on just about anything.”

If, for some reason, this is making you hungry, you can order Bird Crap from the manufacturer’s website. One bottle is $5.99, a Bird Crap Double is $10 or you can get a Case o’ Crap for $55. Yee haw!

For your possible interest a brand new season of “Mad Men” premiers tonight on AMC after an excruciatingly long absence due to contract disputes. If you remember the 1960s you’ll love this series, which is populated with sleazy but handsome Madison Avenue advertising executives, hilarious 1960s-era product placement and women with lacquered hair and road-cone boobs who make meat loaf for dinner. This is definitely fine television and a Howdygram four-star recommendation.

Since Sam is still at work — he’s been gone since 11 this morning — and I have no idea what time he’s coming home, I guess I’d better rustle up some grub in the kitchen because I haven’t eaten anything all day except for a piece of frosted cake during the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Everybody knows that frosted cake is the perfect food for all sporting events. Thank you for reading this.

It’s good to have friends in high places.

George and Laura Bush love me. This is amusing, ridiculous and really hard to believe, since I was no Bush fan during his eight years in office and still don’t have any use for him except as a Howdygram sidebar to showcase his unforgettable public speaking skills. During the past year the Bushes have sent me — not Sam, just ME — numerous attractive welcome letters with pictures (Laura’s gaining weight), engraved and signed certificates, way too many fundraising requests, and now, if I remit $50, an opportunity to be “permanently inscribed in the Freedom Registry” at the George W. Bush Presidential Center Museum. As an incentive, they included a virtually worthless plastic membership card (see below) with an artist’s rendering of an imaginary building on the SMU campus in Dallas that hasn’t broken ground. I am, as you might expect, honored, humbled, deeply moved and confused as hell.

So. Did y’all have a nice weekend? We didn’t do much and enjoyed every minute of it. I ordered a West Bend electric can opener from Amazon.com (see right) and baked a loaf of pumpernickel, but my #1 goal — aside from laundry — was to learn how to use the remote with our new AT&T U-Verse DVR.

At this moment in time I’m pleased to report that I’ve already mastered all of the following functions: 1) turning the TV and DVR on and off; 2) recording and erasing movies; 3) setting up series recordings for “Top Chef”, “People’s Court”, “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover” and “Hardcore Pawn”; and 4) adjusting the volume. I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface. Whenever I’m ready to advance to the next level AT&T offers an assortment of condescending on-demand instructional videos.

And now it’s time for a hot shower, dinner and a mountain of unfolded socks! Life is good in Texas. I’ll bet you wish you were here.

Guess who wants my money.

It’s swell to have friends in high places. For the last few months I’ve been receiving regular mailings from George and Laura Bush, inviting me to become “a founding member and one of the first Americans to support the George W. Bush Presidential Center” scheduled to open right here in Dallas sometime in 2013. Each mailing also reinforces that I should be honored to help tell the story of the Bush Presidency and thrilled that the Bush Center’s Institute will continue to advance President Bush’s innovative ideas ... although nobody mentions what these thrilling innovations were or why we can’t remember any of them. Maybe they had something to do with weapons of mass destruction or deregulating Wall Street. But I’m just guessing.

All this flag-waving crap-ola aside, George and Laura are basically trolling around for DOUGH. A gift of $50 or more guarantees they’ll engrave my name in the Bush Center’s Freedom Registry, which is probably located on a paper towel dispenser in the men’s restroom closest to the snack bar. Their most recent mailing included a full-color photograph suitable for framing (see above). I’ll be glad to email a scanned version to Howdygram readers on request.

In other news, the Cowboys play the New York Giants this afternoon ... their first game without former head coach Wade Phillips, who got canned after last week’s miserable loss to Green Bay. I’m absolutely positive today’s game won’t be any better than last week’s, since Dallas’ sloppy team of over-hyped millionaires frequently does as little as possible unless it involves penalties. Plus our quarterback (Tony Romo) is still on the injured list with his arm in a sling. Be sure to tune in, and thank you for reading this.

Take your comic books, George, and scram.

Just days after settling a lawsuit over land for the George W. Bush Presidential Library, Southern Methodist University in Dallas faces another showdown with its neighbors. This time, local homeowners object to plans to build two library parking lots across an alley from their homes.

Area homeowners, fearing that the projected number of annual visitors to the presidential library will trample and destroy their neighborhood, want to know why library visitors can’t park in existing SMU lots that are designated for overflow traffic. Library officials say they need a design that puts regular parking closer to the building. Groundbreaking is scheduled to begin this fall.

Personally, this frantic hoo-hah about crowd control and overflow traffic is comical. With or without additional parking at SMU, why on earth would anybody pay money to visit the George W. Bush Presidential Library?