Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf is the meal of a lifetime.

In this post: Oscar Mayer, emergency fundraising.

I just enjoyed the MEAL OF A LIFETIME, people ... Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf on toasty low-carb hotdog buns with folded American cheese singles! This was actually an outrageously late lunch at 4 p.m. because I napped until 1:30 and then forgot to eat for a couple of hours after Sam left for work at 2:15. But minutiae aside, I seriously believe that Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf is becoming my favorite go-to meal because it’s so damn delicious and appropriate for every occasion including birthdays.

What does a retiree wear to an aneurysm screening? I might need a new outfit.

In this post: The tamale cure, depressing invitations.

Sometimes it sucks to be me. Yesterday, for the first time ever, the pain in my right hand was so intense I COULDN’T TYPE A HOWDYGRAM POST. Since today isn’t really much better, either, I’ve decided just to eat a can of Hormel tamales — a trusted, medically-approved remedy for diabetic peripheral neuropathy — and press on. For the record, my fingers won’t bend and my hand stings like all the bones are broken. Imagine catching a speeding baseball bare-handed. I think you get my drift.

Order from Wal-Mart. It’s always nice to have new things.

In this post: Retirement, real mayonnaise, grill marks.

Oy, people, I finally did it. A couple of hours ago I emailed my website clients to announce that I’m discontinuing all remaining aspects of my business by the end of this year and they should hire designers immediately to build new websites for them. This is a big fat “HOLY CRAP” moment for me. Finally ... no more needy pests! No more baloney! No more chasing deadbeats for money! 

To my 12 remaining clients: it’s time to move on and leave me alone.

In this post: Dumping clients, pickles & biscuits, a shitty movie.

Here’s some big news from the world of Marcy’s Retirement! About an hour ago I started composing an email announcement to my 12 remaining clients that I’m closing down what’s left of my website design business by the end of this year so it’s time for them to move on and leave me alone. Why now? Because I received an email this afternoon from a client in South Carolina (he owns a custom bakery) who wants to expand his website with six new pages, four million cupcake pictures and an online ordering system. After I said hell no, fat chance, take your business somewhere else, it occurred to me this was an absolutely perfect opportunity to let all of my clients know what I plan to do. Last June I stopped accepting credit cards and all new business; now I’m finally ready to end everything else. I’m so excited I might have a brain hemorrhage. With apologies to Martin Luther King, FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I’M FREE AT LAST! (You get my drift.)

Thank God I’m retired because technology makes me sick.

In this post: Headaches, horseshit, brain damage.

I’m not exactly sure how to write this post. At the moment I’ve got a migraine headache resulting from a major brouhaha today with my website hosting company, Web.com. I’ll try to explain what happened without screaming. In case you need a definition, a “brouhaha” is a regular garden-variety hoo-hah with significant additional hysterics.

Marie Osmond looks like a drag queen.

In this post: Stinking checks, Heckle & Jeckle.

The long, tedious shlep to complete retirement presses on. This morning, for instance, I’m sad to report that my few remaining website clients are still lousing things up and giving me a brain hemorrhage. Second-quarter web hosting payments are due tomorrow, and seven of them — SEVEN! — haven’t bothered to send me their stinking checks yet. They all received two nicely-written reminder emails in March (one with an invoice attached) and none of them even bothered to respond. Are any of those weasles still alive? Looks like things will have to get ugly around here again. Late fees! EVERYBODY HAS TO PAY LATE FEES!

A tale of price-fixing, braunschweiger and the destruction of life as we know it.

In this post: Business hijinks.

Holy crap. Know what time FedEx finally delivered my shipment of Vienna sport peppers and giardiniera last night? ALMOST MIDNIGHT. Usually I’m willing to eat damn near anything, any time of the day or night, but retired senior citizens have to draw the line somewhere. Bottom line, I didn’t eat any peppers at bedtime. (I’ll open a jar for breakfast instead.)

The top five most overlooked warning signs that you’re ready to blow somebody’s brains out.

In this post: Divorcing AARP, South African prowlers, a movie review.

I’ve got sort of an addendum to my previous post. I forgot to mention that last night I unsubscribed from AARP’s emails, too! I’d been receiving an average of two or three EVERY DAMN DAY for as long as I can remember and finally got so sick of their annoying messages I wanted to scream. A few of AARP’s typical email subjects included: incessant offers for car insurance, health insurance, marine insurance, Medicare supplements and term life; where to get member discounts on rental cars, pizza, motels, shower caps, prescriptions, lawn mowers, adult bibs, power scooters, douchebags, nail files, laptops, patio awnings and cell phones; the top 10 cities for retirement; why your feet are swollen; learn to protect your money from people who think you’re really old and stupid; how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe; songs you should be singing; look out for identity theft; six things that can make you itch; how to land the job you want (I don’t want a stinking job! I’M RETIRED, YOU IDIOTS!); eat these foods to fight depression; sex after 60; and the top five most overlooked warning signs that YOU’RE READY TO BLOW SOMEBODY’S BRAINS OUT. You get my drift, right?

I’ll probably never spend any actual money again on fonts for the rest of my life.

In this post: Changes, spring rolls, mustard-mania.

Know what? I just realized there have been THREE BIG FAT CHANGES at Howdygram headquarters since I retired last June and discontinued my web design/graphic design business. (Ovation Creative, remember?)

Enough already. Where’s Blinky?

In this post: Exciting email, scandal in Sochi.

You’ve all got something to look forward to, people. As soon as you’re a retired senior citizen there’s no end to all the exciting email that floods your inbox. Here’s today’s haul so far:

• Don’t miss the President’s Day sale at Diabetes Supplies 4 Less. EXTRA SAVINGS ON WOUND CARE SUPPLIES!
• A Valentine’s Day message from AARP with the headline: “8 Types of Drugs That Can Cause Leg Cramps.”
• Save 20% on socks for swollen feet from FootSmart.com.
• A message from the White House staff with kittens, pictured below. I’m partial to the fluffy black one with the beady eyes. (No, I’m NOT referring to President Obama.)

I can always sleep on the chaise in the family room. Our chaise has ether in it.

In this post: File dumping, mayhem in suburbia, insomnia.

Now that I’m retired and my web design/graphic design business is defunct for eternity I finally decided to clean out a few folders from my hard drive that were jammed with crap I didn’t need any more. For instance, outdated email campaigns, logo ideas for ex-clients, old artwork, designs on spec for various deadbeats and project quotes for people I honestly can’t remember. However I didn’t quite realize until I clicked “Empty Trash” that about 3,200 files were involved and it would take more than 45 minutes to dump them all. As I begin this post I’m finally down to the last 200. Whoa.

Useless, boring, old, retired and unpopular.

In this post: Wanted: emails.

Holy crap. When I got up this morning I HAD NO EMAILS. Nothing. Not even a couple of Democrats begging for dough! My first thought was nuclear war or maybe the Internet had crashed, but no such luck ... I was just unpopular. USELESS, BORING, OLD, RETIRED AND UNPOPULAR! Fortunately, immediately after my extended morning nap I checked again and there were 11 messages in my inbox. And as usual, mostly from Democrats begging for dough with the exception of another sale at Kirkland’s and an invitation to try the weird new Texas Pete buttery cornbread sandwich at Dickey’s Barbecue Pit. (Wow! Bring the kids!)

Ralph Lauren’s ultimate achievement: stylish fashions for athletic goobers.

In this post: The HowdyMobile, Paris fashions, stylish goobers.

What a day. Ever since I woke up from my afternoon nap — today’s featured movie was Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) starring James Mason and Pat Boone — I’ve been hard at work online researching A BRAND NEW VEHICLE for yours truly! It wasn’t an easy choice, but I think I finally found exactly what I’ve been looking for to make my retirement exciting and complete. Glorioski, people!

Holy crap. The Professor died.

In this post: A pesty client, Dead Famous People.

So here’s the scoop from Howdygram headquarters! It’s Friday morning, 6 a.m., I’ve been awake since 4:45 and I have zero motivation to work on website updates for an annoying client in Philadelphia who thinks I’m still interested in this kind of crap. Mostly I want to tell her to take a flying leap off Independence Hall and leave me alone — HEY! I’M RETIRED! — but Sam convinced me to do the work and cash her check. (Okay. Fine. Maybe later.)

Well-dressed Korean geezers stage a daily sit-in at McDonald’s.

In this post: Subscribe & Save, Korean geezers Occupy McDonald’s.

My maid is cleaning the kitchen as I write this post and I’m hard at work updating our January subscription order from Amazon.com, which is scheduled to ship by the end of the week. In case you give a crap, here’s what’s on our list this month: 1) a six-pack of Beaver Brand Deli Mustard in squeezy bottles; 2) a dozen bags of Planters Fruit & Nut Trail Mix (for Sam); and 3) Hormel Smoked Ham Lumps with tasty chemicals and nitrates. I rescheduled a repeat delivery of Hormel canned tamales to February because I still have eight cans in the pantry even though I’m eating them as fast as I can. (Plus we’re running out of room.)

Mazel tov to creepy Edward Snowden. Hope you’re enjoying your first Russian winter.

In this post: The Great Pizza War, a retirement milestone, Snowden’s accomplishment.

I forgot to include an important issue in my post earlier today: OUR LOCAL PIZZA HUT WAS CLOSED ON CHRISTMAS EVE. Closed! Therefore I would appreciate a considered explanation of Pizza Hut’s corporate policy and/or a FORMAL APOLOGY regarding why these yokels refused to make a thin crust with extra cheese for the only Jewish residents of Mesquite, Texas. I consider this an outrage! This is politically incorrect! PIZZA HUT IS AT WAR WITH JEWS IN TEXAS! Thank you, have a nice day and oy.

I’m a retired senior citizen now and this is probably all the excitement I can stand.

In this post: Exciting options for retirees, heavy lifting.

It’s 3:45 p.m. and here are my options for the rest of the day: 1) take another nap; 2) eat things; 3) clean up the kitchen because my maid comes tomorrow and I don’t want her to think we’re slobs; 4) items 1, 2 and 3 followed by watching The Thrill of It All (1963) starring Doris Day and James Garner; and 5) folding underwear. If you think my life sounds boring you’d probably be right, except I’M A RETIRED SENIOR CITIZEN NOW and this is probably all the excitement I can stand ... not counting a hot shower and tonight’s season premier of “Hardcore Pawn.”

Deadbeats, milestones and dinner.

In this post: Clingy clients, a farewell to Ovation Creative.

For the record, even though I’m collecting Social Security now (see earlier post) it doesn’t really mean I’m 100% retired since a handful of desperate clients are choosing to hang on till the very bitter end. I assume this is because they love me, although the feeling is NOT reciprocal and I’d be overjoyed if they all just disappeared already.

Holy crap, everybody! It’s here! It’s here! It’s here!

In this post: It’s here.

I just checked our bank balance. My first Social Security check was deposited this morning, and now it’s official:

Exciting crap for the week ahead.

In this post: Deliveries, dough, refunds, frozen fog.

Here’s the exciting crap that’s coming up this week at Howdygram headquarters!

DELIVERIES. On Tuesday and Wednesday we’re expecting: 1) Shirataki noodles, spicy sauces, canned straw mushrooms and a box of tofu from Asian Food Grocer; 2) Jimmy Dean Country Gravy mix, a shower cap, toilet paper, butt wipes and a bottle of DaVinci vanilla syrup from Wal-Mart; 3) my lovely new ecru bedspread from Brylane Home; 4) underpants for Sam from Amazon; 5) four nice glass stacking canisters from Anchor Hocking; and 6) fluffy memory foam slippers from FootSmart. All of these purchases were illustrated for you in earlier posts, but in case you don’t remember them please click here, here, here and here. Thank you.