See Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in under 10 seconds.

In this post: The real Santa Claus, a Thanksgiving Day confession.

Yee-haw and HAPPY THANKSGIVING, people! Although I’ve run through the Howdygram’s entire holiday menu in a couple of previous posts I’ll include it again for you now in case you give a remote crap about this: 1) a Boston Market turkey thing that you have to bake for 90 minutes; 2) a small definitely-NOT-worth-the-price container of Boston Market’s spinach casserole; 3) a box of turkey Stove Top stuffing; 4) a can of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce; and 5) gravy. From a jar.

Have a perfect Thanksgiving. Seriously.

In this post: Happy Thanksgiving from the Howdygram.

Here’s a heartfelt Thanksgiving wish from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! May you get the drumstick you’ve always wanted, an extra ton of stuffing, a seat next to your favorite cousin and double marshmallows on your sweet potato casserole.

The Corleones are probably the only family on earth that’s more dysfunctional than yours.

In this post: Another Howdygram public service.

As a Howdygram public service, here’s what to watch on TV tomorrow to avoid helping in the kitchen or talking to annoying relatives. For the record, I never bother with American Movie Classics — way too many commercials! — but it might be worth the trouble on Thanksgiving for The Godfather and The Godfather: Part II because the Corleones are probably the only family on earth that’s more dysfunctional than YOURS. (All times listed are Central.)

Sam doesn’t enjoy ptomaine poisoning as much as I do.

In this post: Homemade feasts, celebrating mom.

Happy Tuesday afternoon, Howdygramsters! As I sit here pondering what’s for dinner tonight I’m struck by the fact that Thanksgiving is right around the proverbial corner and I don’t have a craving for turkey yet. This year — just like every other year — we’re picking up a nice heat-it-yourself turkey breast from Boston Market on Town East Boulevard (see image at right) and I’ll make the rest of our feast from scratch all by myself. This includes homemade Stove Top stuffing from a box, a can of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce and a jar of tan gravy. This is followed by a whole pumpkin pie for Sam with a fork and a can of Reddi Whip.

Writing a Howdygram post is the only way out of my neuropathy hell. Also William Powell movies.

In this post: Neuropathy hell, William Powell, Thanksgiving giveaway.

Thursday night was one of the miserablest — so miserable I don’t even give a crap if that’s a real word or NOT — nights in recent memory, where I didn’t actually go to bed AT ALL. Around 6:30 in the morning I finally dragged myself to the family room and slept on the chaise until 9, hung out in the study with Sam until he left at 10:30 to pick up my insulin prescription and a load of dry cleaning, and then headed back to the chaise, where I remained unconscious until shortly after 3. I totally missed lunch — HOLY CRAP! — and I don’t remember saying goodbye to Sam when he left for work at 1:15.

Enter to win Sam & Marcy’s Stupid Thanksgiving Giveaway.

In this post: Craving a turkey-flavored gumball?

It’s late, Sam just got home from work and I really didn’t plan to write another Howdygram post tonight, but I wanted to announce our first-ever STUPID THANKSGIVING GIVEAWAY, where three fortunate Howdygram readers will win themselves a tin of valuable and tasty THANKSGIVING GUMBALLS just in time for the big holiday! Each tin includes an assortment of three unforgettable flavors: Turkey, Cranberry and Pumpkin Pie. (I guess you’re on your own if you need gravy.)

We’re definitely not gourmets. We’re not even picky.

In this post: Fragrant knockoffs, a first freeze, Sam & Marcy plan Thanksgiving.

Howdy. It’s the middle of the night — 4:13 a.m., to be precise — and we’re having our first official freeze right now in north Texas. The house is nice and warm, Sam is asleep, and I’m parked in the study sucking TicTacs and marinating myself with the new perfume oil roll-on thingies I got in the mail yesterday from FragranceShop.com.

Bad news. Howdygram headquarters has run out of Thanksgiving leftovers.

It wasn’t really my plan to not write a Howdygram post on Saturday. I wanted to. Seriously, I did. But Saturday turned out to be “creaky” for me, arthritically-speaking, and apparently I wasted far too much time whining, taking pain medication and not moving around whenever the opportunity presented itself. It’s only six minutes past midnight and I’m already hoping today will be better. Thank you for hoping with me.

By now I’m sure everybody knows that J.R. Ewing died again. This time, though, it was actually Larry Hagman, 81, who passed away on Friday here in Texas while filming season two of the resurrected “Dallas.” Hagman is shown below posing in front of Southfork Ranch, which is actually a semi-cheesy event center now for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

I was a huge fan of the original “Dallas” series (1978 to 1991) and got hooked on the reboot when it debuted this past June. Sam doesn’t quite get it, but I think there’s something gratifying about watching miserable, dysfunctional rich people betray their best friends, cheat their business partners and destroy their relatives. It makes me feel so much better about my stiff knees.

As far as I can tell Sam and I have no plans for Sunday whatsoever, although there are a couple of good NFL games we can watch, I’ve got Ben-Hur on the DVR and I’m considering a nice pot of chicken barley soup. Visitors are welcome if you’d like to join us. Please send an email at your earliest convenience to reserve space on the sofa.

Bad news. Howdygram headquarters has run out of Thanksgiving leftovers. Sam finished the last of it Friday night after work, and I’m so depressed I might have to order another boneless turkey roast from Boston Market. In case you’ve never had one, this thing is FABULOUS. You get a three-pound chunk of solid white meat in its own roasting bag and pan that you pop into a 350° oven for 90 minutes. EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK CAN BE THANKSGIVING!

I think I should wake Sam so we can go to bed. He’s been unconscious in the family room since 8:30 last night and just slept through The Horse Whisperer (three hours) starring Robert Redford. Sam sleeps through the some of the finest movies ever made.

Thank you for stopping by.

Happy Thanksgiving from Sam & Marcy.

Good morning. I decided to start my day at the crack of dawn because I can’t sleep. As long as I’m here I suppose I’ll post this year’s Thanksgiving greeting in case you’re an insomniac, too. At the moment I wish I had a coffee cake.

I’m sure I’ll be back later with another post so please feel free to drop in again. Thank you.

Happy belated birthday, Joe Biden!

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and I’ve got nothing to do. We weren’t invited anywhere for dinner tomorrow and don’t expect company here at Howdygram headquarters, so once again this year Sam and I will pick up the nice little boneless turkey breast we reserved at Boston Market and heat it in the oven when we finish our afternoon naps. I’ll make the essential homemade “sides” all by myself, which will consist of: 1) a box of Stovetop turkey stuffing; 2) a jar of generic turkey gravy with a few freeze-dried mushrooms mixed in; 3) a can of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce; 4) freeze-dried green beans with fake butter; and 5) half a leftover pumpkin pie.

Incidentally, items 3 and 5 are for Sam and item 4 is for me. I also plan to enjoy items 1 and 2 following a substantial injection of mealtime insulin. If that’s too much information for you, please make an effort to get over it.

My creative project du jour involves a new feature for the Howdygram so you can buy all the outstanding crapola that I write about. Think of it as a comprehensive shopping page with photos, intelligently-composed product descriptions and direct links to the relevant websites. I’ve been working on the format since 4:45 this morning, taking breaks only when absolutely necessary. I’m positive you’ll thank me for this eventually.

Before I forget, the Howdygram would like to extend a belated happy birthday wish to Vice President Joe Biden, who turned 70 on November 20. I’ve been a Joe Biden fan for nearly 40 years (oy) and thought you might enjoy the following photos. I don’t know how he does it, but Joe looks better today than he did in 1972! Holy crap, people!

And now it’s time to concentrate on dinner. Just for one, as usual, because Sam doesn’t get home from work until 11 p.m. At the moment I’m considering a can of Loma Linda Swiss Stake because it’s fast (i.e., ready-to-eat), there’s a ton of gravy and it’s my all-time favorite fake meat. You eventually get used to the fact that it looks like Alpo.

Thank you for reading this!

Seriously, this is why I shop online.

Happy Black Friday, the official kickoff of the Christmas season, when happy shoppers nationwide — many apparently carrying explosives and concealed weapons in case the store runs out of Barbies — assault each other with pepper spray, maul other shoppers who had the nerve to show up first, trample each other in line and, finally, rob each other at gunpoint in the parking lot if you manage to snag the laptop somebody else wanted.

Black Friday has to be the most appalling day EVER to consider walking into a retail establishment. This year our local lunatics started camping out in front of Mesquite’s big box stores 48 hours before Thanksgiving. Sorry kids, no turkey this year because mommy wants a cheap Android. Here’s a video clip of a near-riot in the Mesquite Wal-Mart shortly before midnight this morning, which captures a group of eager Christians preparing to celebrate the birth of Christ. (Oy.)



Sam is at the office today. He’s all alone and working first shift, something he volunteered to do in order to take a full week off starting January 2, which is a wonderful time to have a vacation after the crazy holidays are finished, as depicted above. We have no firm plans yet, although a trip to the Choctaw Casino is always at the top of our list providing we don’t have an ice storm.

And now for a burning question ... do you have a lot of leftovers from yesterday? We’ve got plenty, and I even made Sam a “Thanksgiving sandwich” to take with him to work today, which consisted of turkey, mayo, stuffing and cranberry sauce between two big slices of homemade Italian country bread.

I strongly recommend this sandwich as a wise use of leftovers, although it’s a little too much for yours truly because I’m what you’d call “dentally challenged.”

I suppose no post would be complete with a Club Meds update, right? My newest medication, Gemfibrozil, lists some interesting potential side effects, the two most common being gastrointestinal distress and fatigue. I’ve been having both for the last several days, but I guess I should be grateful I’m not also experiencing nausea, jaundice, vertigo, dark urine, atrial fibrillation or acute appendicitis. Holy crap, this is like a horror movie in a pill.

Please send me some sugar-free lemon jello. Thank you for reading this.

The Howdygram honors a couple of turkeys.

As a respected blogger and a responsible journalist I believe it’s my job to make sure everybody focuses on what’s really important on Thanksgiving. Therefore I’m pleased to post the following video clip, which seems to prove that Dallas Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones — frequently considered a turkey in his own right — wears a HAIRPIECE.



Speculation about Jerry’s hair is a very large deal here in north Texas, and I’m honored that the Howdygram has an opportunity to bring this issue to the forefront.

In other news, our feast from Boston Market is warming up in the oven and I, for one, can’t wait to eat! For me, Thanksgiving has always been the #1 best food holiday, and although I have no sugar-free dessert this year I plan to watch closely as Sam stuffs himself with the sweet potato pie he bought yesterday by mistake at Tom Thumb. (He thought it was pumpkin. Sam needs reading glasses.)

Thanks for stopping by and happy Thanksgiving.

You never have to baste a movie.

It’s still the middle of the night around here and I’ll probably go back to bed as soon as I finish writing this, but I wanted to remind all Howdygram readers that Thanksgiving is a lot more than TURKEY.

Although Sam and I sincerely hope you’ve got a glorious spread like this planned for dinner (feel free to skip the weird muffins and dead leaves), you should also pay attention to Turner Classic Movies, where you can stuff yourself with a smorgasbord of excellent films and never gain an ounce. You also don’t have to baste them, carve them or fight with anybody about who gets the wishbone. Here’s what I’ll be recording today (all times listed are Central) ...

• Meet Me in St. Louis, 9:45 a.m., Judy Garland (1944)
• The Music Man, 12:45 p.m., Shirley Jones, Robert Preston (1962)
• Little Miss Marker, 3:30 p.m., Shirley Temple, Adolphe Menjou (1934)
• Miracle on 34th Street, 5 p.m., Maureen O’Hara, Natalie Wood (1947)
• A Night at the Opera, 10:45 p.m., The Marx Brothers (1935)
• Shall We Dance, 2:00 a.m. (Friday), Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers (1937)

For the record, I gave up on Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade a couple of decades ago when organizers turned it into a shameless plug for Broadway shows performed by a bunch of people I never heard of lip-synching in 40-degree weather. It surprises me that Macy’s never figured out that 99% of Americans have no clue (and don’t care) who’s appearing on Broadway ... unless it’s Bernadette Peters, who must be old enough to collect Social Security by now.

Thank you for reading this. Save me some gravy.

Breaking news and migraines.

Two very nice (and very punctual) technicians from Display Systems, Inc. came over this afternoon to replace the projection lamp in our big-screen TV, which burns out every few years depending on how addicted you are to Turner Classic Movies. Today was a much better — and much cheaper — experience than last time this happened, when the store that sold us our TV sent over an arrogant slob who showed up eight hours late and charged nearly $500 for a $140 part that took less than five minutes to install. I wrote a complaint letter to the company’s home office and they refunded the entire cost. (I write the world’s best complaint letters. Ask Sam if you think I’m kidding.)

Apparently our neighbors to the north are getting their carpets cleaned today. Normally I wouldn’t give a crap about this except for the last three hours there’s been an orange Stanley Steemer van on their driveway (see sample van, below) running a generator that sounds like a Lufthansa 747 waiting for takeoff. I’m crabby, the whole house is vibrating, I’ve got a migraine and I don’t think anything would cheer me up right now ... and that includes pizza, halva or a Ronald Colman movie.

Doing anything exciting on Turkey Day? After we pick up our annual feast from Boston Market at 1:30 Sam and I will watch the Cowboys/Dolphins game at 3:15 on CBS ... providing we can stay awake long enough. This sounds pretty perfect to me.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Howdygram! Please feel free to send your leftovers via email. We promise to take good care of them.

Creeps, bare feet and casual turkeys.

I’ve been trying to come up with a reason to post for the last couple of hours and honestly can’t think of anything meaningful — or pointless, for that matter — to write about. I briefly considered a condensed biography of Joseph P. Kennedy or some snarky political remarks about creepy Herman Cain (who I seriously can’t stand), but instead I think I’ll waste your time discussing this week’s upcoming routine events plus our plans for Thanksgiving.

The aforementioned routine events include Sam’s final trip to the endodontist on Thursday for root canal on a molar and I’ve got an appointment to see Dr. M on Friday morning to figure out what to do next with my blood sugar. Where Thanksgiving is concerned, once again Sam and I are dining alone at home with food from Boston Market. We’ve grown to love this annual ritual, during which I get to carve a turkey in my bathrobe, eat barefoot in front of the TV and don’t have to share leftovers with ANYBODY.

(Point of reference: I’m the one wearing the bathrobe … not the TURKEY.)

And now for something thoroughly confusing. According to several major news websites it seems that GOP candidate Newt Gingrich — God help us — is rising in the polls. To me, there’s only one possible explanation: this means he’s a little less revolting than everybody else, but certainly not by much. I think somebody needs to remind Republican voters about Gingrich’s extensive list of shortcomings, which includes outrageous arrogance, a terrible first name and the fact that he dumped his former wife when she was in the hospital with cancer.

And now I think I need something to eat. I’ve already had today’s allotted chunk of halva so I’m thinking maybe I’ll make toast or heat a can of soup. (I’d actually prefer sugar-free lemon jello but I don’t have any.) Thank you for reading this.

Happy Thanksgiving and other nice gestures.

Yo, y’all. Here’s a great big Howdygram wish for a Happy Thanksgiving from our house to yours! Although we assume you’re not running around in the woods somewhere murdering your own wildlife, we hope tomorrow will be a swell holiday that includes a preponderance of perfect poultry, a green bean casserole with greasy little French-fried onions on top and plenty of really nice people to help you clean up afterwards. The cleaning-up part is extremely important.

Once again this year Sam and I ordered a take-home feast from Boston Market, which we’ll pick up tomorrow at 1:00. PLEASE DO NOT MAKE FUN OF US. Boston Market’s food is fine, there’s always enough for three days of leftovers, and we can wear bathrobes and eat in front of the TV. This sounds like a perfect Thanksgiving, if you ask me. For dessert I’ll bake a couple of sugar-free pumpkin pies. We can also eat raisins if we want to, or maybe yogurt. Sam likes raisins and yogurt.

Are you planning a Black Friday shopping spree? I’M NOT ... but that’s because I don’t have to buy Christmas presents for anybody. Even if I did, though, I’d probably shop online because there’s no way I want to be anywhere near a retail store between now and the end of the year. Crowds make me nuts, there’s never any good parking and I’m really getting sick of Santa Claus. (Holy crap. I’ve turned into my mother.)

Thank you for reading this.

It's all relative.

Thought I’d share a few family photos with tonight’s post, courtesy of my niece Melissa. She uploads them to Snapfish.com and I just sneak the ones I like best. The first is a shot of my sister Robin, my mom, Robin’s daughter Melissa and little Tyler visiting mom at her nursing home. The second shot is Melissa and Tyler playing in the park. (Please don’t tell anybody, but this little guy is so adorable I could eat him on a bagel.)

Sam and I are planning a swell weekend. Tomorrow we’re doing practically nothing (seriously) and on Sunday we’re having brunch at Blue Mesa, our favorite spot for southwestern cuisine. And the price is right because Blue Mesa sent me a certificate for a free birthday brunch. Incidentally, reliable sources tell me that free food has no calories, so this will be a win-win situation for EVERYBODY.

What are y’all doing for Thanksgiving this year? We’ve got ours all figured out already ... a heat-and-serve feast from Boston Market and a homemade sugar-free pumpkin pie. Every year since we moved to Texas Sam and I basically just wear bathrobes and spend Thanksgiving in the family room with a bunch of great movies and eat until we can’t move. Even better, we don’t have to mop up after a bunch of guests and we don’t have to share our leftovers with anybody. If it sounds like we’re turning into a pair of curmudgeons, you probably have a point. Thank you for reading this.