“I don’t want to be a cold-blooded killer of police officers” would be an excellent campaign slogan.

In this post: Shopping extravaganzas, a duo of douchebags.

Aside from braunschweiger sandwiches and afternoon naps the most fun a senior citizen can have at Howdygram headquarters is SHOPPING, so I began yesterday with a modest extravaganza on Amazon that included a foaming soap pump for the master bathroom, a pair of 28-inch telescoping backscratchers for yours truly and The Inspector General DVD starring Danny Kaye. It just doesn’t get much better than this!

Meet Kory Watkins, the ultimate Texas dipshit.

In this post: Fun food, a Texas dipshit, naps.

Know what? Sam did a Costco shlep this morning, which means: 1) great big packages of our favorite teeny tacos and breakfast burritos; 2) a tub of squishy mozzarella balls floating in tasty oily crap with green things (I think the technical name for this is “marinade”); 3) really, really good chicken tamales in GENUINE CORN HUSKS; 4) raspberries; and 5) Brownie Brittle. Forgive me if I sound hysterical but I love this crap. I really do. Sam also had instructions to stop at our neighborhood Wal-Mart for a trunk full of emergency Coke Zeros (I ran out yesterday and had a brain hemorrhage) and four jars of teeny whole mushrooms in salt-flavored preservatives because CRAVINGS.

Welcome to another chapter of Sam & Marcy’s Adventures in Inadequate Remodeling.

In this post: Another leak, another Putz.

Hey, boys and girls. Believe it or not, Clayton and his crew were back again today in their never-ending quest to repair the shower leak in our master bathroom ... THEIR SEVENTH ATTEMPT IN THREE WEEKS. Each time they show up we can’t use the shower for at least 48 hours afterwards due to wet caulk, grout and paint, and today they’re actually leaving us with a high-velocity fan turned on full-blast so everything dries as fast as possible because Sam and I are ready to start strangling people. In case you’re interested, Friday’s all-day repair went south last night when we turned on the shower and wound up with a substantial puddle on the bathroom floor and a crack in the brand new drywall. Please stay tuned for the next chapter of Sam & Marcy’s Adventures in Inadequate Remodeling. Thank you for your support.

Texas is run by a financial terrorist who also happens to be really, really stupid.

In this post: Food delivery, palpatations, Governor Hairdo.

As I hang around waiting for my Friday evening delivery from Artizone.com — baloney with olives! homemade tamales! bean salad! sliced turkey! — I thought I’d overshare some crap from yesterday when I experienced two exciting new symptoms of autonomic neuropathy, which is defined as follows by the National Library of Medicine:

Autonomic neuropathy is a group of symptoms that occur from damage to the nerves that manage everyday body functions, such as blood pressure, heart rate, sweating, body temperature, bladder control and digestion. Autonomic neuropathy is most frequently caused by diabetes.

I want to hide in the family room with Myrna Loy movies and braunschweiger for the rest of my life.

In this post: Old Pencil Neck.

My final Howdygram post for the month of April will focus on three distinct and important topics: 1) another Putz of the Week; 2) I’m running the dishwasher; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. The first item appears below; items 2 and 3 should be self-explanatory. Thank you.

The secret to a happy marriage is lunch meat.

In this post: Lunch meat, intolerance.

Sometimes life is fraught with disappointment. Last night while I was waiting for Sam to get home from work I desperately wanted a BLT except I didn’t have any L or T so I just ate B on low-carb toast with mayo.

Which brings me to my next point: THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE IS LUNCH MEAT. This morning Sam went shopping at Wal-Mart and brought home two packages of Oscar Mayer Pickle & Pimiento loaf just for me. This is a man who knows how to touch my heart, and it usually involves cheap processed meat.

Vote for this douchebag or he’ll maybe shoot his cannon at the White House.

In this post: Artisans, douchebags on parade.

It’s a pleasant but slightly clammy Friday afternoon here in north Texas as I wait for my first-ever grocery delivery from the grocery delivery people at Artizone.com. In case you missed my post from a week ago, Artizone is like a fancy farmers market with home delivery and I discovered them online by accident. A happy accident. My first order will be here between 6 and 8 p.m. and includes a pound of hard salami, a pound of baloney with sliced-up olives in it, two pounds of mixed bean salad in cilantro dressing and a bag of Brussels sprouts. I’m hungry and I’m hyperventilating! Pictured below for your possible interest are a few of Artizone’s assorted artisans, all located here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. (I’d be willing to bet money that Big Al owns a pickup and a shotgun.)

Happy Earth Day. We’re killing ourselves.

In this post: Earth Day, a contemptible Putz.

I’ll begin this morning with a big fat HAPPY EARTH DAY to Howdygram readers all over the planet. Even though I’ve never been a rabid “tree-hugger,” during the last few years it’s become perilously apparent that we’re killing ourselves with poisoned oceans, lousy air, melting polar ice, rising sea levels and extreme climate change. I’m actually relieved to be 62 years old because I know I won’t be around when we run out of fresh water and oxygen.

A new level of Tea Party horseshit, courtesy of South Carolina.

In this post: What a putz.

It’s really late and Sam will be home from work soon but I wanted to dash off another quick Howdygram post for a couple of excellent reasons: 1) I promised to; and 2) I’ve got a damn good Putz of the Week to share with you!

Anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly says men won’t marry well-paid women.

In this post: Sleep, an anti-feminist fossil, Aaron Sorkin.

So far this has been a really strange day. Sam and I woke up shortly after 7 a.m. about 15 minutes apart, and by 9:15 we were both sound asleep in the family room watching an entertaining mystery called Murder on a Bridle Path (1936) starring Helen Broderick and James Gleason. When I finally woke up at 12:30 Sam had switched to Around the World in Eighty Days (1956) starring David Niven. These are both excellent napping movies and we highly recommend them.

Progressive Minnesota, where science teachers don’t have to believe in science.

In this post: Remove Office, a Minnesota pinhead.

We’re enjoying a sparkly, windy spring day here in north Texas and I’m inside trying to delete most of Microsoft Office from my Macintosh hard drive. I launched a tool in my Office folder called “Remove Office” that’s been pretending to search and locate files for the last 20 minutes with no results whatsoever except for an irritating barber pole status bar. However I’ve learned one important thing from this experience: I hate “Remove Office” as much as I hate Office.

Mickey Rooney died yesterday at age 93 even though practically nobody realized he was still alive.

In this post: A powerhouse, a Putz.

Hey, did you miss me yesterday? I decided to take a day off from Howdygrammin’ and spent my entire Sunday in various stages of sloth ... sleeping, eating, watching old movies and occasional combinations of all three. Monday, though, started off with more promise, waking up at 5 and spending the next three hours at my desk swallowing pills, drinking flat leftover Coke Zero from last night and sneezing.

Three things and a new Putz of the Week.

In this post: Our shower remodeling hoo-hah, a new Putz, dinner ideas.

Three things!

FIRST THING. It’s official, people. The Great Shower Remodeling Hoo-Hah has been scheduled for Wednesday, April 9. As I mentioned in yesterday’s Howdygram post, we found out that water has been sneaking behind our marble shower bench for quite some time, so our remodeling dude — Clayton — will dismantle the glass shower enclosure, remove and clean the tiles, take apart the marble bench, replace the entire structure with new supports, sheetrock, mouldings, baseboards and paint, inside and outside the shower. Clayton says it’s a two-day project, which is damn good news because commotion really gets on my nerves and leeches valuable time from my afternoon naps.

A story of fear and self-loathing in Texas. Also pumpernickel.

In this post: Nice weather, GOP bullshittery.

Hi, people. It’s a a lovely, sunny, 80° Tuesday afternoon in north Texas, just the kind of adorable weather we wish we’d have all year round instead of triple-digit heat from June through September when you can’t touch your car door handles, think about going out to lunch or even enjoy your own patio with shorts, lemonade and a Fred Astaire biography. Please let me know if this makes any sense to you because I’m awfully confused right now.

A surge protector will solve all my problems and everything will be perfect for the rest of my life.

In this post: Taste buds, shopping, a Putz of the Week.

I’ve got so much monumental news to tell you I almost don’t know where to start, so I thought I’d just divide this post into neatly-labeled paragraphs to help you go with the flow. Thank you.

I want to kick a few dozen Republicans off a speeding train, starting with Josh Miller of Arkansas.

In this post: Hypocrites.

Sometimes I get so damn mad I want to kick a few dozen Republicans off a speeding train. I didn’t plan to write a second post today but just ran across a new candidate for Putz of the Week that couldn’t wait until tomorrow.

Adelina Snottybitchkovitch wins gold.

In this post: Figure skating in Sochi, roadkill in Texas.

Before I proceed with my usual assortment of Howdygram baloney here’s a FUN GAME for you to try! If you stare really really hard at the six jars of Mezzetta giardiniera pictured in yesterday’s post as long as you can without blinking THEY’LL ACTUALLY START TO VIBRATE. (Don’t ask me how I know this.)

Putzes, anyone?

In this post: A pair of putzes.

I’ve got a couple of truly stunning Putz of the Week awards today. In case you’re interested, I might change the name of this feature to Putz of the Hour considering how many Republicans continue to meet my criteria for this ongoing recognition.

Ted Cruz thinks President Obama is “forcing gay marriage on all 50 states.”

In this post: Sam, avoiding King China, Putz of the Week.

Welcome to day two of Sam’s trip to California, where apparently he’s charming the Depends off all those adorable little “eightysomethings” at my mother-in-law’s assisted living facility in Sherman Oaks. Sam has been eating with them once or twice a day in the community dining room and interacting with others as he accompanies mom on her walker junkets up and down the hall.

Frankly, none of this surprises me. Sam is probably the sweetest sweetheart on the planet and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. I just hope he can tear himself away long enough to fly home to Texas on Sunday because I miss him like crazy. Thank you.

American cheese, taco shells, insulin syringes and hot sauce.

In this post: A Wal-Mart emergency, Gohmert’s pile.

Texas is awfully damn cold this morning. Here at Howdygram headquarters it’s 18° and I made Sam wear his down parka before he went to Wal-Mart a few minutes ago. He’s making an emergency run for American cheese, taco shells, insulin syringes, hot sauce and a prescription refill for yours truly.