Dialysis ... what every diabetic wants for Hanukkah.

In this post: The Death Pill, Sausage McMuffins.

About yesterday. I tried like the devil to write a Howdygram post — and failed miserably — because I had so much excruciating pain in my legs I couldn’t even sit at my desk. Once again I’m positive it’s my cholesterol medication that’s doing this. For a couple of years two “killer” statin drugs — Atorvastatin and Pravastatin — caused the same problem, so Dr. M switched me to Fenofibric Acid about five months ago. Here at Howdygram headquarters, however, Fenofibric Acid is frequently referred to as THE DEATH PILL because I’ve developed all of the following side effects: 1) severe muscle pain and tenderness; 2) stiffness; 3) muscle weakness; 4) exhaustion; 5) joint pain; 6) unintentional weight gain (it couldn’t be the Cheetos, right?); and 7) uncontrollable urination. And if that’s not crappy enough, the muscle pain can launch a VERY serious condition called rhabdomyolysis, in which muscle tissue tears away from the bone, muscle fibers enter the bloodstream and you wind up with acute renal failure. Dialysis ... what every diabetic wants for Hanukkah.

Download your free Hanukkah latkes!

In this post: Free latkes, an Amazon speed record, God bless Sam. 

Happy Hanukkah from the Howdygram! To help get the party started this year we’re pleased to offer a FREE DOWNLOAD OF HOMEMADE LATKES from our house to yours.

Sam and I don’t celebrate much of anything around here.

In this post: Dismal weather ahead, too pooped for pizza, Hanukkah’s coming.

In my last post I know I promised you more news and general horseshit, however it’s already 9 p.m. and I really can’t think of anything else unless you’d be interested to know that: 1) I’m so damn tired tonight I can hardly keep my eyes open; 2) UPS just delivered a crate of Lou Malnati’s pizzas; 3) there’s a cold front coming on Saturday; and 4) ONLY SEVEN MORE DAYS UNTIL HANUKKAH.

A Joan Rivers plastic surgery retrospective.

In this post: A change of face, a full life.

I don’t know if you’re a fan or not, but here’s a Howdygram retrospective on nearly five decades of Joan Rivers’ plastic surgery. Joan celebrated her 80th birthday in June and I think she looks amazing even if you almost can’t recognize her any more.

Sam will be so excited to find $4.5 million in our checking account!

In this post: Blender entertainment, lemon curd, a Hanukkah windfall, the perfect Patty Melt.

Hi. I’m hungry. While I decide what’s for dinner tonight I think I’ll bake myself a lovely low-carb crustless cheesecake, which is an easy recipe that you throw together in one convenient bowl with an immersion blender. You can also use a regular blender, but the immersion thing is more interactive and provides substantial entertainment value. I don’t get to use mine often enough. (Damn.)

There’s nothing quite like baby animals to get your mind off the shitstorm in Congress.

In this post: Hanukkah, hating Congress, staying up late.

It was my intention to start this post a few hours ago but I eventually got caught up folding a mountain of laundry for Sam’s trip to California, after which I designed a couple of birthday cards, ordered myself a cute new robe — as a retired person I consider these “work clothes” now — and watched today’s episode of “People’s Court” with dinner on my lap. This was

I’m not on Wal-Mart’s payroll. They couldn’t afford me.

Breaking news: I lost another client today. Victoria called at 3:30 and asked me to take down her website because she’s closing her business, of which I approve wholeheartedly because I’m trying to do the exact same thing with mine. It’s actually satisfying to know I’m not the only one who’s fed up with all the day-to-day crapola. I am, in almost every regard, retired now, evidenced by the fact that my Social Security checks will begin arriving on December 11. THIS IS A VERY HUGE DEAL. Let’s all go out for lunch!

Hey. Anybody need some really nice, really inexpensive bedding? The Howdygram would like to recommend Wal-Mart’s microfiber sheets! We put a new set of ivory on our bed yesterday and we sincerely love them.

The average price for a complete king-size set is about $21.97 ... less than you’d usually spend for a pair of PILLOWCASES! Keep in mind that microfiber sheets are lightweight and thin but they’re also amazingly soft and comfortable, and Sam says they weren’t as cold as our others when he got into bed last night. Personally, I think these things are pretty damn fantastic and just ordered another set in bronze. Here are three links to microfiber sheets on Wal-Mart’s website so you can check them out for yourself.

         

Yes, I think you should buy a set. Try leopard. (No, I’m not on Wal-Mart’s payroll. They couldn’t afford me.) These would also be nice for Hanukkah presents if you know any Jewish people sleeping on a bare mattress.

I have nothing exciting to write about tonight. Nothing. I don’t feel like railing at right-wing politicians, I’m sick of Miley Cyrus and I have no new medical crises to report. To tell you the truth, other than the aforementioned sheets and a box of AA batteries I haven’t even spent any interesting dough online! Therefore I think I’ll just open a can of something tasty for dinner, start a loaf of low-carb bread in the bread machine and watch “Project Runway.” Thank you very much.

God bless Texas. Is this a crock, or what?

In case you’re wondering why I haven’t written much about our weather lately it’s because we haven’t had any. Today was really cold; tomorrow will be a smidgen less. That’s about all I have to say on the subject because there’s still no precipitation in the forecast and we’ve only had half an inch of rain since mid-October. This explains why our cattle are enjoying greener pastures in Oklahoma for the duration of the drought. Heartbreaking, isn’t it? I miss the big lugs. (I also miss rain.)

Before I get carried away with tonight’s breaking news I thought I’d post the latest edition of our Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring a pair of celebrities with and without makeup. Next time you think you look lousy in the morning, picture Goldie and Kathy.

And now for tonight’s breaking news from Texas! Apparently Governor Rick Perry and his remedial right-wing legislative yahoos finally understand the birds and the bees. After de-funding Planned Parenthood during the last session —yet another attempt to outlaw abortion — and cutting $76.5 million from the state’s budget for essential family planning services to 285,000 poor women, they’ve all suddenly realized there will be 23,760 more babies born in Texas by 2015 than if these women had been given access to birth control. And the cost of all those extra babies in state funds will be an estimated $273 million, mostly from additional Medicaid costs. So now Governor Einstein is scrambling to figure out how to add back funding for family planning, which is no easy feat because the de-funding process is nearly complete and the state’s network of clinics and physicians has been dismantled. God bless Texas. Is this a crock, or what?

Take a guess which blockbuster 1980s mini-series is on Encore this week. Give up? The Thorn Birds starring Richard Chamberlain, Rachel Ward and Barbara Stanwyck! It’s been at least 25 years since I’ve seen it, and every raunchy minute is still burned into my brain. I CAN’T WAIT. I might even force Sam to sit through it. If I volunteer to make homemade tacos maybe he’ll manage to stay awake.

The Thorn Birds tells the 50-year saga of a family in Australia’s outback. Meggie falls in love with her priest (oy) and the situation creates so much angst for the people in her orbit that your screen could melt. Even if you’re not into chick flicks, The Thorn Birds is worth every minute of your time if for no other reason than to watch scene-stealer Barbara Stanwyck at age 76 in her last role as matriarch Mary Carson. She won an Emmy for this part, primarily for an unforgettable segment where she tries to seduce Richard Chamberlain.

I assume Sam is working late tonight because he should have been home about half an hour ago — duh! — so maybe I’ll take a nice hot shower and watch a little TV while I wait for him to call and tell me what’s what. Thank you reading this, and I hope you’re still having a very happy Hanukkah.

Happy Hanukkah to everybody celebrating tonight in Latkeland.

We had lunch yesterday at Alfredo’s Steakhouse in Forney, Texas. We’d been driving past it for years on our way to other restaurants and finally decided to give it a shot once we noticed the parking lot was full at an odd time of day. Now we know why! Alfredo’s is NOT a trendy restaurant that’s trying to act like a 1950s diner; IT’S THE REAL DEAL where all the food is made from scratch by Alfredo himself with his own two spotless little hands. They’ve got huge portions, Flintstone-size dinnerware, retro prices, adorable round dinner rolls and pour real gravy on practically everything. Sam ordered a breakfast burrito for $4.99 that could have been the centerfold for this month’s issue of Popular Obesity. They even have liver and onions. LIVER AND ONIONS! We can’t wait to go back because Alfredo’s is only 15 minutes from home and we want to try everything on the menu.

For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) Alfredo’s Steakhouse on U.S. 80 in Forney.

Incidentally, we almost got to meet Alfredo but he was too busy to horse around in the dining room with customers. I tried to find a photo of him online but had no luck, so here’s a picture of Cesar Romero instead.

Weather.com says there’s a cold front heading for Dallas tonight, which explains why my knees were stiff as a board when I woke up this morning and why I decided to stay in bed for an extra hour and skip our planned junket to Costco. I sent Sam by himself to load up on some of our favorite crapola, which included: 1) a gigantic jar of shockingly-tasteless dry-roasted peanuts; 2) a two-pound tub of rotisserie chicken salad; 3) a carton of Angus 100% beef fully-cooked char-grilled hamburger patties; 4) a couple of overstuffed calzones; and 5) a large package of sliced pepper jack cheese. Sam said he got really excited at the checkout when he realized he might be getting out of Costco cheap this week except at the last minute they tacked on our annual membership renewal and loused everything up.

The Howdygram would like to extend its warmest wishes for a happy Hanukkah to everybody celebrating tonight in Latkeland. Thank you and shalom.

This just in from our Sports Desk! The Irving, Texas, police have reported that Cowboys linebacker Jerry Brown died yesterday in an early morning car crash, and Cowboys nose tackle Josh Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter in Brown’s death after ramming into a curb at high speed and flipping his vehicle while driving drunk. I’m not saying this is an excuse or anything, but if I tackled noses for a living I’d probably get plastered, too.

I have no agenda for the rest of the evening except for dinner and a hot shower. Since Sam is asleep in the family room (his third nap today) and showing no interest whatsoever in food, I’ll probably be dining alone unless you’d like to drop in for a while and watch The Shop Around the Corner starring James Stewart and Margaret Sullavan. Let me know so I can turn on the driveway light.

East Indian potato latke recipe combines dinner and mouthwash.

It’s the crack of dawn, and judging from the strange crap in my head right now I guess I’ll be writing an all-food Howdygram post. Could be worse, right?

First up, here’s an interesting video from Foodbeast that shows you how to jazz up your food like a fifth-grader with do-it-yourself shaker jars of pulverized Doritos, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and barbecue potato chips. Know what? This doesn’t sound half-bad to me.



Don’t look now, friends, but tonight’s the first night of Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Grease! In case you’re interested in a real down-home celebration I found a few recipes online that may fit the bill.

Potato Latke Pizza. Dry yet tasteless crust covered with apples, goat cheese, sour cream and potatoes. Trust me, it’ll never be a hit on campus. [Get recipe here.]

East Indian Potato Latkes. Made with hot peppers, cilantro, mint — mint?! — and enough oil to float the Israeli navy. An interesting way to combine dinner and mouthwash. [Get recipe here.]

Fried Pasta Salad. Rock-hard, deep-fried bow-tie pasta slathered with a scary blend of pesto, marinara, Italian salad dressing and mayo. Make enough for your office party and lose a few friends! [Get recipe here.]

Deep-Fried Reuben Egg Rolls. Stuffed with pastrami, sauerkraut and Swiss cheese. The sandwich of my nightmares — there’s nothing I hate worse than sauerkraut and Swiss cheese! — is Jewish/Chinese fusion for the 21st century. Kill me now. [Get recipe here.]

For the record, we won’t be eating any of this crazy shitsky at Howdygram headquarters because Sam and I prefer our own traditional Hanukkah fare, including tuna salad, Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles, ice cream, peach phosphates and Tex-Mex. You can come for dinner if you want to.

If I hadn’t choked down a few spoonfuls of peanut butter at 7:15 I’d probably be unconscious by now.

Earlier today I get a “concerned and sober” email from our irritating right-wing representative in Congress — Jeb Hensarling — politely requesting: 1) my permission to stonewall the White House on fiscal cliff negotiations; and 2) my candid opinion about the economy. I ripped him a new one instead. Here’s the comment I posted to his website:

Don’t back any fiscal deal unless it includes a higher tax rate for the top 2% and NO CUTS to Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid. House Republicans are a joke, Congressman. Try to represent your entire constituency for a change, not just the handful that agrees with you. I’m a senior citizen who will qualify for Social Security next year and for Medicare three years after that. I’ve worked all my life for these benefits. You already have yours; now it’s MY turn.

I hope he has nightmares tonight. An accurate cartoon of his goofy face appears below.

I’m making a solemn vow. Next time I try to order from China City online and their website acts like it’s having a nervous breakdown I will immediately defrost a couple of hot dogs and not waste an hour and half sitting in my front foyer STARVING TO DEATH. Holy crap, people, I placed a nice order online around 5:35 tonight and injected my mealtime insulin at 6, expecting China City’s doofus driver to show up within half an hour. Didn’t happen. At 7:50 I finally call the restaurant to ask where the hell is my Mongolian chicken and they tell me the order never came through. Truth is, if I hadn’t choked down a few spoonfuls of peanut butter at 7:15 I’d probably be unconscious by now.

The nice lady apologized profusely in broken English (at least I think she was apologizing), took my order over the phone and promised to deliver it ASAP. I hope they don’t screw this up because I received a shipment today from Netrition.com with SUGAR-FREE SWEET & SOUR SAUCE and I’m planning to douse everything as soon as it gets here, not including soup and fortune cookies.

Sam and I are counting on an excellent weekend that includes all of our favorite recreational activities, including naps, food, more naps, a few good movies, a week’s worth of “People’s Court” episodes and a drive in the country, not necessarily in that order. Feel free to join in if anything interests you, okay?

Happy Hanukkah from the Howdygram!

Eatzi’s: the only place to shop for a “couch picnic.”

Guess what we did yesterday. Sam and I both woke up at 5:30 in the morning STARVING so we went to Denny’s for a pre-dawn breakfast adventure, during which Sam ordered a nice little omelet and I had a hamburger. This was almost like being back in college except for the cane propped up against my chair and the fact that we asked for our senior citizen discount.

About 12 hours later we drove into Dallas to gawk at Christmas lights in the Highland Park neighborhood but I think we were a couple of weeks too early because all the houses still looked like Scrooge lived there. So we wound up at Eatzi’s — we love Eatzi’s! — to load up on wonderful Sunday night noshy crap, which included: 1) hummus; 2) Greek olives; 3) a container of unidentifiable yet colorful dip; 4) cole slaw; 5) two kinds of house-made salami; 6) a slab of havarti cheese with dill; 7) a twice-baked potato large enough to be mistaken for sports equipment; and 8) a loaf of rye bread. Items 7 and 8 are Sam’s private property because I’m diabetic and can’t eat 2,500 carbs any more just for fun. (But at least I get to watch.)

The fun here never ends. A few days ago I mentioned my three deadbeat Ovation Creative clients whose credit cards were declined last week for a routine monthly web hosting payment. I emailed first notices and second notices to all of them. One finally responded on Sunday afternoon with a tale about somebody stealing his Visa and using it to shop at Bloomingdales, and then sent a second email five minutes later with a new credit card number ... and that one was declined, too! If this stupid dude wasn’t in South Carolina I’d kick him in the pants. Instead I’ll just add a $2.50 service fee to his monthly hosting payment and continue threatening his life long-distance.

The other two clients are ignoring me. They’ll be sorry.

You know what? I’ve been gypped. I’m searching online for Hanukkah background photos today so I can make holiday cards and almost all of them include pictures of JELLY DOUGHNUTS. Jelly doughnuts? Did you ever get jelly doughnuts on Hanukkah? What the hell? Not once in my entire life did anybody ever give me jelly doughnuts for Hanukkah, and NOW IT’S TOO DAMN LATE BECAUSE I HAVE DIABETES. This sucks and I thought you should know. Thank you.

It’s nearly 7 p.m., and before I run out of time and motivation I think I’d better get busy with all the important projects I’ve been postponing today. Making the bed is included on this list. (Stop laughing. Better late than never, right?)

Shalom.

Who wouldn’t want a spleen pillow for only $18?

There’s a crisis afoot in Diabetesland tonight. Last week I refilled my prescription for mealtime insulin and Wal-Mart gave me a substitute brand — ReliOn Novolin R — which is a different name than the product they sold me last time. I questioned it when they handed me the bag but the pharmacy technician promised it was exactly the same as Humulin. However ... I started using Novolin R on Friday, and you know what? THIS STUFF DOESN’T WORK. My blood sugar has been rising steadily all weekend even though I’m injecting more than enough insulin before every meal and counting my carbs like a fanatic. This is so frustrating I might have to whack somebody with my cane. Sam says I should call Wal-Mart in the morning and tell them what’s going on. If I don’t get the right answers — and quite honestly, I really haven’t got too much confidence in this — I’ll call Dr. M and unload on her.

Are you getting ready to shop for Hanukkah? I ran across a cool new website last night where a person can find adorable gifts for absolutely practically ANYBODY. It’s called UncommonGoods.com and a sample smattering of their merchandise is illustrated for you here, including plush throw pillows in your choice of 11 different internal organs (a uterus and brain appear below), a stylish men’s wallet made of duct tape and a ceramic face mug with room in the base to store cookies. All are very reasonably priced — who wouldn’t want a spleen pillow for only $18? — and guaranteed to delight unsuspecting relatives and friends.

I’ve finally calmed down so maybe now is a good time to wrap up this post and go to bed. It was nice of you to drop in. Say hi to the family for me, okay?

Hurricane Isaac is a pleasant temporary fantasy.

Glorioski, people, it looks like we might get rain and weather from Hurricane Isaac! While Louisiana and southern Mississippi are getting hammered, Weather.com’s latest storm track shows east Texas — including Dallas — in the path for rain on Thursday and Friday, maybe up to two inches. I’m not sure I necessarily believe this, of course, but it’s a pleasant temporary fantasy nevertheless. The red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters.

At the moment I’m staying as far away from Sam as possible because he’s in the middle of his number one most hated household chore: turning our king-size mattress. Actually, it’s not really the mattress itself that ruins his life …  it’s adjusting the damn DUST RUFFLE. Because I hate to see a grown man suffer like this I’m officially requesting a staff of servants for Hanukkah this year. (Please tell your friends.)

And now I’d like to tell y’all about a screwy experience with China City, my favorite local source for Mongolian chicken and other drugs, where nobody speaks a single word of English but they all answer the phone anyway just to make you insane. For this reason I always order from their website but had to call yesterday with an additional request a couple of minutes later. Our conversation follows.

Me:  I just ordered online but want to remind you not to send rice with my entrees, just
         some teeny bags of crispy noodles.
CC:  I know, I know. You get the Moo Shu.
Me:  I didn’t order any Moo Shu.
CC:  Then you order not here yet.
Me:  Sure it is. I just ordered online.
CC:  Take 45 minutes.
Me:  I know it does. I’m not calling about that.
CC:  What you order number.
Me:  19053.
CC:  It here. Thank you. (Click.)

Anybody into food porn? Here’s a portrait of the “Elvis” donut from a popular Dallas dive called Hypnotic Donuts. No, you’re not hallucinating, that’s peanut butter, bacon and bananas on top. And if you’re not into Elvis they also sell one that’s loaded with jalapeños and Tabasco. Why would anybody eat crap like this for dessert? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MILK AND COOKIES?

Thank you for reading this.

Ho ho ho, y’all.

Unlike last Saturday and the Saturday before that, we did NOT go to the Choctaw Casino today. As a matter of fact, we almost didn’t get out of bed whatsoever, but this statement is NOT as racy as it sounds. For instance ... I woke up this morning at 8:30, took my meds, went back to bed half an hour later and slept until the crack of noon, at which time Sam and I ate lunch, watched Another Thin Man with William Powell and took an extended nap because eating and changing channels can be exhausting. At the moment Sam is still unconscious with the Cowboys/Eagles game on TV and I’m struggling to shake the cobwebs out of my brain. It feels like somebody drugged us, but I’m betting the weather — dark, rainy and 41° — might have something to do with this. It’s an extremely blecchy Christmas Eve in Howdygramland.

Regardless ...

We’re having lox and bagels for dinner at Howdygram headquarters, after which I’ll unwrap tonight’s Hanukkah present from Sam. He’s giving me his toes ... a different toe every night. This is such a big hit that I think the Howdygram should launch a new charity drive in 2012: Toes for Tots.

Thank you for reading this.

Nothing says Hanukkah like toes, cake and mousse.

Before I forget … Happy Hanukkah from your pals at the Howdygram! Hanukkah starts at sundown tonight and lasts for eight days, which means there’s still time to send me some presents. Please allow me to suggest the following last-minute gift options: 1) cash; 2) a set of place mats; 3) a large box of Equal packets; and 4) one week in Grand Cayman with Sam, including airfare, meals and new shoes. Click here if you need my shipping address.

In case you’re interested, Sam says he’s giving me eight of his toes for Hanukkah. A different toe every night. I’m actually excited about this.

Breaking news ... my first order from eDietShop.com (see previous post) just showed up and I’m so happy I can hardly stand it. I bought two sugar-free mousse mixes, one package of sugar-free pumpkin pie mix and a big pouch of sugar-free raspberry jello mix. No surprise, I just discovered that Amazon.com sells the same brand (Sans Sucre) at a slightly higher price but with free two-day shipping. I just ordered these flavors:

Howdygram headquarters will be overrun with mousse as soon as I get myself a gallon of nonfat milk, although I might need more refrigerator space. Please send an email if you have an extra shelf I can borrow.

I think I’ll empty the dishwasher now and then make some dinner so I can have cake for dessert. I love cake. Thanks for stopping by.

Looking ahead to the Festival of Lights.

Once again I’m pleased to post my annual Hanukkah Wish List, and y’all will be thrilled to know that you still have plenty of time to shop and ship before the holiday officially ends at sundown on December 28! Please send an email if you need my home address because I wouldn’t want any presents to wind up at somebody else’s house by mistake. Here’s what I want most this year:

• News websites with large-print articles.
• More baby pictures of Sam.
• Cash.
• A giant-size scratching post for humans.
• Trader Joe’s in Mesquite.
• An email moratorium from AARP.
• A 24-hour dim sum delivery service.
• Servants to make sure I always have clean sheets, an empty dishwasher and a walk-in closet that’s organized by season, color and sleeve length.
• A lifetime supply of Coke Zero and Yankee Candle electric air freshener refills (Midnight Jasmine and Lilac Blossoms).

In addition, I’d also like to post this Howdygram photo montage of highly repulsive creeps, jerks and idiots who have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and if somebody could make them all disappear it would be the greatest Hanukkah present of all time. I would even send you some homemade latkes with a couple of napkins to demonstrate my gratitude.

It’s dark and rainy today in Howdygramland, which is ideal nap weather and I might even hide the phone for a couple of hours. Incidentally, just a reminder that TCM is featuring another night of back-to-back William Powell movies tonight starting at 7 p.m. central time. Titles include a few genuine classics like Life with Father, Mister Roberts and One Way Passage plus a few titles I’ve never seen before. Call me if you make popcorn, okay? We don’t have any.

Thank you for reading this.

Cake is a vehicle for frosting.

My new Farberware nonstick baking pan was delivered yesterday at 3:45 p.m. and by 4 I was already baking my first-ever sugar-free Pillsbury yellow cake with sugar-free Pillsbury chocolate fudge frosting. The results were incredible. It tastes exactly like a regular yellow cake with regular fudgy frosting! Even Sam loved it ... and he typically reacts to sugar-free dessert like it’s a Doris Day movie. (With the same expression on his face.)

I’m living in cake heaven right now. Cake is beautiful. Cake is brilliant. Cake is the MOST AMAZING FOOD EVER INVENTED next to Mongolian chicken. God bless cake! And as long as I’m spouting my innermost food philosophies, I’ll share one more revelation ... cake is a vehicle for frosting just like gefilte fish is a vehicle for horseradish. I’m serious. Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

I’ve got a ginormous issue to report to you. Yesterday, for the first time since he was in kindergarten, Sam forgot to take his lunch to school work! He left the bag sitting on the kitchen counter and I didn’t discover it until he was already at the office, at which time I called immediately to find out if he’d been cheating on my homemade turkey and cheese sandwiches with fast food or another woman. He denied any wrongdoing whatsoever, which means apparently this isolated episode was just one of those peculiar anomalies of life — like the day I completely forgot to cut his sandwich in half — and our marriage is still intact. You can stop worrying now, okay?

ONLY FIVE MORE DAYS UNTIL HANUKKAH. I’ll post my wish list tomorrow. Shalom, y’all.

No pretzels and the sweaters from hell.

Lucky you … I’m wide awake at 2:30 a.m., posting another intriguing entry to the Howdygram with a nice, tall Marcytini to keep me company. A bowl of pretzels would be swell, too, but we don’t have any in the pantry and I’m way too old for a middle-of-the-night snack run to Wal-Mart. Plus it’s 34° outside. I may be hungry, but I’m not crazy.

And now, something from the Howdygram’s Why It’s Great To Be Jewish department ... classic examples of designer Christmas fashions for goyim. I’d be willing to bet the models posing below also have neon reindeer and inflatable spinning Santas on their front lawns, just like our neighbor across the street.

I should think about going to bed now. Our handyman, Gary, is coming over later today to do a couple of projects for us — such as re-caulking the shower in the master bathroom — and it would be really nice if I didn’t need an afternoon nap because I stayed up all night writing about pretzels, Christmas sweaters and caulk.

Incidentally, there are only 11 more days until Hanukkah, so please stay tuned for my official wish list. Thank you in advance for your generosity.

Waiting for Jerry.

I’m not sure what compelled me to do this, but while Sam was on jury duty yesterday morning I ordered FIVE Jerry Lewis DVDs — The Ladies Man, Visit to a Small Planet, Funny Bones, The Stooge and four hours of Martin and Lewis routines from TV’s “Colgate Comedy Hour” in the 1950s. The DVD covers appear below.

This is so exciting I can’t stand it — especially the fact that I dug up Visit to a Small Planet because I haven’t seen it since 1961 and it’s considered a “rare title.” I found it on The Movie Bin and bought the rest from Amazon.com.

Incidentally, the average cost of these movies was about $3.50 and one was only 33¢, which means EVERYBODY ON EARTH can afford to own an impressive Jerry Lewis DVD library. Keep this in mind as we get closer to Hanukkah. Just imagine the expression on your relatives’ faces!

Time to make lunch for Sam. Come on over and join us if you’re hungry — it’ll be “forks up” at 11:30. Thank you for reading this.