Sam has changed his name to Mister Productive today.

In this post: Wider is better, meet Mister Productive.

It’s entirely possible that some of you may not be aware that the Howdygram is 20 pixels wider today. While this might be no big deal to you whatsoever it’s a very big deal to me because 20 extra pixels can change a person’s life, and as soon as I think of a few examples you’ll be the first to know. Meanwhile, in case you don’t quite know what 20 pixels looks like you can check out the red box in the illustration below.

Writing a Howdygram post is the only way out of my neuropathy hell. Also William Powell movies.

In this post: Neuropathy hell, William Powell, Thanksgiving giveaway.

Thursday night was one of the miserablest — so miserable I don’t even give a crap if that’s a real word or NOT — nights in recent memory, where I didn’t actually go to bed AT ALL. Around 6:30 in the morning I finally dragged myself to the family room and slept on the chaise until 9, hung out in the study with Sam until he left at 10:30 to pick up my insulin prescription and a load of dry cleaning, and then headed back to the chaise, where I remained unconscious until shortly after 3. I totally missed lunch — HOLY CRAP! — and I don’t remember saying goodbye to Sam when he left for work at 1:15.

Enter to win Sam & Marcy’s Stupid Thanksgiving Giveaway.

In this post: Craving a turkey-flavored gumball?

It’s late, Sam just got home from work and I really didn’t plan to write another Howdygram post tonight, but I wanted to announce our first-ever STUPID THANKSGIVING GIVEAWAY, where three fortunate Howdygram readers will win themselves a tin of valuable and tasty THANKSGIVING GUMBALLS just in time for the big holiday! Each tin includes an assortment of three unforgettable flavors: Turkey, Cranberry and Pumpkin Pie. (I guess you’re on your own if you need gravy.)

When blogs crap out.

It wasn’t my fault. My blog host, Blogger.com, had a maintenance failure yesterday that took their site (and ten bazillion blogs worldwide) offline beginning at 2:30 p.m. During the evening — and for the following 18 hours — blogs like the Howdygram eventually began to reappear in fits and false starts. This morning I noticed that my two posts from May 12 had vanished. When they finally popped up half an hour ago both had TODAY’S DATE on them. This is not a huge deal, I suppose, but there’s no way to fix it and some bloggers are way more neurotic than I am. (Not very many, however.)

Hey! The Howdygram would like to wish a happy 50th birthday to Sam’s sister Tammy. We’re sorry we can’t be there to celebrate with you, Tam, so maybe you can just email a piece of cake. A corner piece with extra frosting and a flower would be great. And a napkin. Thank you.

In other news, I bought myself a new personal care product today from Amazon.com ... Veet wax strips. I’m excited about this! I can’t see well enough to tweeze my own eyebrows any more, and Veet is made especially for your face and eyebrows. So it sounds like I’ve got a new hobby and something constructive to do in my spare time. As a matter of fact, if I get good at this I might even open my own waxing studio. Please send me an email to request a wax job and a bran muffin. Thank you.

Before I forget, our Big Spring Giveaway ends on Sunday, May 15, which means you only have TWO DAYS LEFT to enter! We’ve got some excellent prizes. Don’t screw this up.

The drippy truth.

I’ve already been awake for an hour and a half, my eyes are watery, my muscles ache and I can’t breathe. Other than that I’m feeling swell at 6:30 on Sunday morning. But before I forget . . .

Aside from the fact that “mom” obviously needs an industrial-strength depilatory, is this a great picture, or what?

FYI, there’s only one week left to enter our Big Spring Giveaway. THIS IS A HINT. Thank you.

Big news tonight.

Even bigger than the postponement of William and Kate’s honeymoon is a news story tonight that American troops have found and killed the infamous Saudi terrorist nutjob Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. I just watched President Obama announce the news on MSNBC.com.

I want to make this a big hoo-hah, but it’s too late to order Chinese food so I’ll have a Marcytini instead and write a mazel tov email to the White House. I also can’t wait to tell Sam, although at the moment he’s asleep in the family room pretending to watch a movie. (He’s not fooling anybody.)

Sunday was a milestone. I turned 59½, making me eligible to collect a big fat lump sum pension payout from a former employer without paying a tax penalty, and I requested all the required paperwork on Thursday. This is slightly surreal, to tell you the truth. A couple of weeks ago I was only 35 years old.

Don’t forget to enter our Big Spring Giveaway. Thank you for reading this!

Wednesday's milestones remembered.

First, before I forget, responses have been a little sluggish so I’ll make this short but sweet. ENTER THE HOWDYGRAM’S SPRING GIVEAWAY AND WIN A PRIZE.

Click here. Thank you.

Splurging.
On Wednesday I finally strayed from my continuing addiction to Mongolian chicken and picked up dinner to go from Dickey’s. It had been at least million years since I’d eaten Texas barbecue and there was also a good coupon that came in the mail. Okay, maybe not a MILLION. Occasionally I lie. Consider it poetic license.

I can describe my Dickey’s feast in two syllables: YEE-HA. I bought a “family pack” so there would be plenty leftover for Sam. This included one pound each of two meats (I got chopped brisket and sausage), three sides, a big tub of their barbecue sauce and some rolls. Everything was terrific, and I’ll definitely do this again soon even though they forgot my free pickles.

Marcy the heartbreaker.

Sam and I didn’t eat a lot of frozen food last week so I didn’t place my usual biweekly order with Schwan’s for Wednesday delivery. This should be no big deal whatsoever, such as not taking out your garbage, because you assume nobody on earth cares if you don’t take out your garbage, right? Maybe you don’t have any, or maybe you don’t have enough to make it worth the effort to drag your cans to the curb and you’d rather wait until next week. Either way, you certainly don’t expect your garbageman to pound on the front door yelling “HEY, WHERE’S YOUR TRASH.”

Well, where Schwan’s is concerned I guess I just can’t casually decide to NOT place an order without raising a red flag. Gary, my delivery driver, who clearly makes a commission on every sale, had a COW. He called here THREE TIMES before 11 a.m. and left semi-frantic messages to ask if I had a serious head injury, how in hell could I not remember today is Wednesday and am I trying to starve myself to death. (Maybe not in those exact words.) I was so creeped out that I let all three messages go straight to voice mail. Apparently signing up for Schwan’s home delivery is a lot like subscribing to Life Alert. You’re never really alone. 

Sam goes shopping.
Not only did he visit Mesquite’s biggest pawn shop yesterday morning, he bought himself a top-of-the-line B-FLAT CLARINET. He’s been wanting a clarinet for years. When we first moved to Dallas he rented one for a few weeks from a music store just to see if he still remembered how to play since high school. Ever since then he’s been harboring a secret desire to buy his own, and yesterday was the big day. As I write this post Sam is in the living room trying to play “Greensleeves.” I’ll let you know when I start to recognize the melody.

Don’t forget to watch the royal wedding tomorrow morning. Live coverage starts at 4 a.m. on every major news network. I will probably watch CNN. Thank you for reading this!

The gefilte fish incident and other stories.

I almost wasn’t going to write a post tonight but changed my mind a few minutes ago when it occured to me that a few of my faithful Howdygram fans might have a stroke. So here I am.

It’s been an eventful day.

Event #1. An 8 a.m. dental appointment almost ended in disaster when my dentist forgot to show up. He materialized at 8:45 as I was getting ready to leave, just in time to take an impression and send my dental appliance to the lab for adjustments. (The lab delivery guy shows up at 9.)

Event #2. I was sick most of the afternoon with an INTESTINAL TSUNAMI that probably can be attributed to last night’s authentic Texas seder, which consisted of gefilte fish, horseradish, Mongolian chicken, pretzel sticks and a pair of old chocolate chip cookies.

Event #3. All of a sudden a whole pile of my clients are requesting new projects, such as redesigned websites, new logo designs, postcard mailers, stationery and magazine ads. I can’t tell if I’m excited about this or not, because I like to consider myself semi-retired and do NOT want my graphic design business to interfere with naps and “People’s Court” reruns. I’m just saying.

Event #4. I went back to the dentist at 4:30 to pick up my adjusted appliance and then hauled ass to get home before a big thunderstorm rolled in from the north. Oklahoma is always sending us their big thunderstorms.

Right now I’m hanging around, waiting for Sam to get home from work so we can watch tonight’s episode of “Deadliest Catch,” the Discovery Channel’s top-rated reality show about a fleet of rugged gefilte fishermen on the Dead Sea (see below). Just in time for Passover!

Please don’t forget to enter our BIG SPRING GIVEAWAY and be sure to tell a few friends. Thank you for reading this.

A full and happy weekend.

Some weekends are better than others. For Sam and me, this one was GREAT. We did piles of fun things that included: 1) hanging out on our patio; 2) buying gefilte fish and chopped liver at Gio’s Deli; 3) a nice twilight drive through Sunnyvale to look at cattle; and 4) watching a variety of really good movies, such as A Mighty Wind and The Apartment. In case you need a visual for item 3, here’s a map for your possible interest.

The pink star is our house, and all the open space east of us is Sunnyvale, which is primarily country roads, little lakes, woods, mansions and cattle ranches. Mostly cattle ranches. On a clear day you can sit on our patio and hear mooing. Mooing is good for the soul. We never get tired of it.

I want to patent an exciting new eating implement that’s pictured below: the TELESCOPING FORK. This is actually a metal backscratcher that I bought online but I’m absolutely convinced it has a greater purpose.

Imagine you’re in a restaurant and want some onion rings off your husband’s plate. Instead of reaching across the table, which is rude and you might drag your sleeve through the barbecue sauce, just whip out your handy telescoping fork and stab whatever you want from a polite distance before anybody has a chance to say no. The fork is made of sturdy stainless steel, extends to 20 inches and folds up small enough to fit in your purse. If you want one of your own, you can order it here for only $6.99. The possibilities are so exciting I can hardly stand it.

And finally, it’s time to launch the Howdygram’s BIG SPRING GIVEAWAY. Enter now to win one of eight prizes, including our exclusive “Thank You for Reading This” and “Don’t Pick on Nostrildamus” hats, mouse pads and note cards.

I’m sure you’ll agree these are really cute prizes, so hurry up and enter so you won’t forget. TOTAL STRANGERS ARE WELCOME, TOO. All winners will be notified by email on May 15. Thank you for reading this.

Your prizes are on the way.

Seriously. I wouldn’t joke about this. To the lucky winners of our New Year Giveaway, YOUR PRIZES ARE ALL IN THE MAIL AT LAST. Sam drove them to the post office this morning while I was still asleep.

In other news, it’s spring in Dallas! The temperature today — and forecast for the entire week — is in the low 70s. I haven’t been out of the house lately because my left hand is still a claw and I can’t drive, but there’s no reason I can’t sit on the patio for a few minutes and enjoy some fresh air. The back yard will be a little drab for the next few weeks, though, until our lawn is green again, our Oklahoma redbud tree starts to bloom and our new cedar fence is installed. (The fence will be a very big deal. Sam is still collecting estimates.)

In case you’re interested, here are …

The top 5 things I’m sick of reading about in the news:

1. That President Obama is not a U.S. citizen.
2. Anything concerning Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin’s ambitions, Sarah Palin’s whiny offspring or Sarah Palin’s mind-numbing opinions.
3. Barely pubescent Canadian pop star Justin Bieber, who looks and sounds exactly like a 14-year-old girl.
4. Iraq and Afghanistan.
5. Red carpet photos from endless awards shows, where overpaid, overexposed and overappreciated celebrities throw parties to congratulate themselves for their own accomplishments.

Over the years I’ve actually become extremely Sam-like where that last item is concerned. I know he’s going to smile when he reads this. Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all.

You have to forgive me for this.

Before I dive into the main topic of this post I want to mention that Sam got home from Houston on Saturday morning exactly as I predicted ... FIVE HOURS EARLY. Apparently he woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t feel like going to back to bed, so he packed, checked out and drove home. At 8:15 when he called to let me know he was only 20 minutes away I was still asleep and didn’t pick up the phone, so he called twice more back-to-back. By the time I finally put on my glasses to check caller ID Sam was barely 45 seconds away from opening the garage door. I made lox and bagels to celebrate. At the moment he’s conked out in the family room with a bag of pistachio nuts watching Gone With the Wind. It’s good to have him home.

At last, here’s what I wanted to write about tonight.

To the lucky winners of our New Year Giveaway, I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN YOU. All of your prizes were packaged 10 days ago and ready to mail with really cute shipping labels, but nobody here has been able to take them to the post office. Fortunately, I’m prepared with a variety of lame excuses excellent explanations, which I’ll share with you right now.

1. The Weather. During the last week and a half we’ve had two ice storms and five inches of snow. Dallas was paralyzed and we never left the house. Even my favorite Chinese restaurant stopped making deliveries.
2. The Business Trip. Just as our weather started to improve earlier in the week Sam wound up in Houston for five days. While he was away I didn’t go to the post office due to ...
3. My Left Hand. Carpal tunnel, remember? I can’t open a car door or hold a steering wheel. The only thing I can do without help is write blog posts and WHINE, and I’m damn good at both of them.

Sam promises that your packages will be shipped on Monday, which means y’all should have your prizes by the end of the week except maybe Hailey in Canada, but don’t quote me on that. I don’t know for sure if mail to Canada takes longer or not.

Incidentally, if anybody wants to go out for lunch with us today please send an email and let me know. I’m thinking about Saltgrass Steak House in Rockwall (see below). We love their Texas cheesesteak sandwiches. Plus they have really excellent ketchup.

It’s time for Goodbye Mr. Chips now on TCM. Thank you for reading this.

The New Year Giveaway: three days to go.

Just a quick reminder to the procrastinators among you ... our New Year Giveaway ends on January 31, which means you’ve only got THREE MEASLY DAYS LEFT to register for some terrific prizes! These include our exclusive “Thank You for Reading This” note cards, mouse pads, refrigerator magnets and tee shirts. And you don’t have to do anything special to win except sign up here. Thank you and good luck.

In other news ... Jerry Jones, our local crown prince of greed and owner of the Dallas Cowboys and Cowboys Stadium, is rushing to add 15,000 temporary “obstructed view” nosebleed seats built on cheesy scaffolding in time for Super Bowl XLV on February 6.

According to a ticket broker in Plano, these temporary seats are a true bargain at $1,200 and actually come with a bonus ... they’re obstructed, unsafe AND uncomfortable! Ceiling pipes will be directly above your head and you won’t be able to see the players, the Jumbotron or the electronic scoreboard (see photos). If this doesn’t sound appealing, your other options include blowing $500 for the privilege of standing on a stairway landing way above the end zone or a $200 pass to the “Party Plaza,” which is outside on the northeast side of the stadium where you can watch the game on a big screen but there’s nowhere to sit and you’re not allowed inside to pee or buy a hotdog. Even if you beg.

For a total Super Bowl experience it just doesn’t get much better than this unless you’re incarcerated, legally blind or hospitalized. You’re much better off enjoying the game at home for free with a bunch of mozzarella sticks and a beer. Thank you.

In case you're wondering ...

I think I have insomnia. I woke up at 4:30 (after four hours of sleep) to eat TicTacs, browse around on the Internet and read stories about lots of snow on the east coast. I’m still not very tired but might consider going back to bed just to warm up. The house is cold because I always turn the temperature down at night ... we’ve got a big poofy comforter and Sam is a world-class “heater man.” I don’t know how he does it, but he generates enough body heat to warm a small city.

Another thing that’s going on right now is, MY STOMACH IS TALKING TO ME. It’s making some of the weirdest noises I’ve ever heard ... a continuous gurgling in two octaves that’s almost musical. I guess I must be hungry, but I don’t want to reheat leftover egg foo young at 5:45 in the morning because the microwave might wake Sam. I’ll wait until 7:30.

By the way, don’t forget to enter our New Year Giveaway for a chance to win exclusive Howdygram “Thank You For Reading This” note cards and mouse pads! Everybody is eligible, including Howdygram employees since we don’t actually have any.

Shalom, y’all.