Introducing our 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame.

If you were taking odds that I wouldn’t write a post today, YOU LOSE. While I sit here figuring out what I want for dinner I thought I’d share the latest crapola from Howdygram headquarters.

Before I forget, since nobody successfully identified the two classic movie stars from my post on December 27 I’ll reveal their names for you below.

Because there was no winner I’ll just have to keep the BIG VALUABLE PRIZE for myself. No hard feelings and better luck next time, okay?

And now I’m pleased to present the Howdygram’s 2012 Slimeball Hall of Fame, featuring eight sickening hotshots who made me want stab myself in the head with an ice pick at various times throughout the past year.

These sickening hotshots are listed in no particular order whatsoever ...

• Todd Akin. The GOP’s gift to late-night comedy claimed during his campaign for a Senate seat in Missouri that in the case of “legitimate rape” a woman’s body had ways to prevent pregnancy, concluding that abortion even for rape victims should denied because they’re obviously lying. Akin’s hard-core, logic-defying, anti-abortion rhetoric guaranteed a comfortable win by Democratic incumbent Claire McCaskill and inflicted huge damage to the Republican Party for being anti-woman. (Thank you, Todd.)
• Rod “Hairdo” Blagojevich. In March the former governor of Illinois began serving a juicy 14-year sentence at the Federal Correctional Institute in Englewood, Colorado, for conspiracy, racketeering and fraud, still insisting he was targeted by the FBI for “fighting the crooks in a crooked system.” To his credit, however, as governor Blagojevich gave free bus rides to senior citizens.
• Donald Trump. America’s most obnoxious racist blowhard promised to up-end the presidential election with an “October surprise,” dropping frequent hints that he had photocopies of the Obamas’ fictional divorce papers from an earlier decade. In reality, Trump’s surprise was to challenge the President with a $5 million gift to the charity of his choice if he produced his passport application and college transcripts, which seemed to the press and general public that Trump’s ultimate goal was blackmail or extortion. If that wasn’t bad enough, when President Obama won re-election on November 6 Trump fired off a series of grotesquely racist Tweets that claimed the election was a sham, a disaster for democracy and a disgusting injustice (see my earlier post). Talk about a sore loser!
• David Petraeus. Former military god and five-star general who got himself involved with an extramarital affair, social-climbing party girls in Tampa, Florida, and all kinds of convoluted email intrigue. Check out an earlier post with educational graphics.
• Jerry Sandusky. The child molester from Penn State will rot in hell after he serves 60 years in prison for abusing more than 15 million boys. (I might be exaggerating, but not by much.)
• Lance Armstrong. Disgraced Tour de France cycling champion was kicked to the curb and convicted of a career-long doping conspiracy. In one day, Lance Armstrong: 1) was erased from the record books; 2) stripped of his medals and awards; 3) lost all of his lucrative endorsement deals; and 4) was forced out of the cancer charity founded in his name. He’s not even allowed to ride a bike to the grocery store.
• Mitt Romney. Although I’m sure everything has already been said about the GOP’s human gaffe machine, I offer the following Romney quotes in case you need a reminder. To a heckler in Iowa who suggested that corporations should pay higher taxes: “Corporations are people, my friend. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people.” At a Beverly Hills fundraiser, wondering why you can’t crack a window at 35,000 feet: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem.” During a GOP primary debate: “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.” And ... “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” Plus the ultimate gaffe ... Romney’s secretly-recorded remarks at a donor banquet: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what ... who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” HOLY CRAP. Did America dodge a bullet, or what?
• Rick Santorum. The GOP’s scariest presidential candidate, bar none. Santorum is a homophobic misogynist whose platform was based on his belief that TOO MUCH BIRTH CONTROL is the number one problem facing Americans today.

And now I’d better find something speedy to eat for dinner before I conk out! Thanks for stopping by.

Enter to win a valuable prize.

Here’s hoping all of you enjoyed your holiday. Our typical Jewish Christmas at Howdygram headquarters included: 1) a pile of back-to-back Andy Hardy movies; 2) sleet; 3) homemade tacos; 4) prolonged naps; and 5) a gigantic box of assorted muffins from Tom Thumb. I didn’t write a post yesterday because I was too busy with item 1. Sam tackled item 5 with no help from me whatsoever.

And now ... your last chance in 2012 to win a valuable prize from the Howdygram when you IDENTIFY BOTH CLASSIC MOVIE STARS pictured below! Just use the “click here” button to enter by email. The official entry deadline is midnight, New Year’s Eve, so get busy, figure it out and don’t horse around, okay? Thank you and good luck ...

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I have no idea why I’m awake at this hour. I got up at 3:15 with hot feet and decided to hang out at my desk until I feel normal and I’m ready to go back to bed. (P.S. — I’m almost ready.) In case you’re interested, the hot feet thing has to be related to diabetic neuropathy because there’s really no other explanation for weird crap like this. My other symptoms frequently include hot hands, shortness of breath, dizziness, difficulty swallowing, heartburn, diminished taste buds, plantar fasciitis, carpal tunnel syndrome, muscle cramps, numb fingers, gray hair and flat tires. (I might be kidding about the hair and tires.)

It’s just another day in Diabetesland. Thank you for reading this.

The big news you’ve been waiting for.

I won’t torture you any longer with the final results of our fabulous guess-the-change contest. Drum roll, please ...

For those of you who require a little more detail, the grand total included 5,600 quarters, 3,800 dimes, 1,920 nickels, 6,601 pennies, 116 dollar coins, 12 half-dollar coins, 3 two-dollar bills and 2 one-dollar bills. Whew.

And the winner is . . .
Sam’s cousin Hailey guessed $1,622, and she was closest to the actual total. MAZEL TOV, HAILEY. Your crate of prizes will be on the way within the next two weeks. Everybody else will receive a valuable consolation prize along with our heartfelt thanks for entering. Seriously.

Sam and I are definitely having some fun with his vacation time this week. We’ve been exploring east Texas and enjoying the picturesque small towns and pastoral scenery, which mostly consists of pine trees, cattle and mini-marts. Tomorrow we’ll probably hit the road again, maybe heading west towards Fort Worth after I pick up a couple of prescriptions at Wal-Mart.

Thank you for reading this. I think I need some dinner now.

The Great Mailbox Caper: SOLVED.

There’s late-breaking news this morning from the crime scene here in Mesquite. The driver of the mysterious four-door Ford compact who whacked our brick mailbox on Tuesday (see previous posts here and here) showed up at the front door last night and admitted what he did. Apparently our next-door neighbor had to nudge him a little to come forward, but I’m sure that’s because the driver is a 17-year-old high school kid who probably thought nobody saw him do it. (At 17 I might have done exactly the same thing.)

Silas turned out to be a nice boy and a high school football star who responded to everything with a “yes ma’am” and then offered to pay to have the mailbox foundation repaired. I told him I’d get in touch when we had an estimate and that Sam and I would let him make payments if he wanted to.

So the case is closed, the crime has been solved, and I think I can safely call off the Mesquite Police, the FBI, the CIA, the FCC, the FDA, the Navy Seals, the Department of Homeland Security, the Channel 21 News Chopper and Interpol.

In other news, I received the following photo of Sam and his brothers this morning in an email from my sister-in-law Lisa.

Pictured from left to right, we have David, mom, Steve and (of course) Sam, who all met for lunch at The Cheesecake Factory somewhere in the greater Los Angeles area. For the record, in real life my mother-in-law does NOT actually have a fountain squirting out of her head.

There’s another heat advisory today in Dallas. The high will be 103° with a heat index of 110°, and since the National Weather Service is suggesting again that you check on the elderly, why don’t you come on over with a nice coffee cake around 2:30 and we’ll watch “People’s Court” and play cards in the dining room.

Everybody keep cool. Thank y’all for reading this.

Keeping up with Sam.

It’s no secret that Sam is having one hell of a time in California this week. So far Mister Jet-Set has eaten nearly every meal as the guest of one relative or another, flitting like a hummingbird from booth to booth all over greater Los Angeles. This morning it was breakfast with mom and Aunt Adie at Dos Arbolitos restaurant. Sam, modeling a new yellow polo shirt, poses below with my mother-in-law. Yes, friends, Sam is REALLY that tall. And I miss him. Look at that smiling face. Oy.

Unfortunately, there’s not much happening on the home front. The two high spots of my day included wheeling our garbage can to the curb for Monday pickup and filing my nails. I have no idea what I’ll do for fun tomorrow because I’m fresh out of ideas. Leaving the house isn’t a reasonable option because it’s too damn hot to park in the sun when the temperature is 101°, so maybe I’ll just reorganize the pantry and make tuna salad. Don’t be jealous.

Time is running out in case you haven’t had a chance yet to enter our contest. All Howdygram readers — yes, this means YOU — are cordially invited to guess how much money is in Sam’s giant jar of change, which is actually a five-gallon plastic Sparklett’s bottle that weighs 145 pounds and stands 19" high. Whoever comes closest wins a pile of valuable gifts and we’ll even print your picture if you send us one. Click here to enter now, and good luck.

And now I’m going to heat up some leftovers and finish watching a screwy movie I started a few hours ago: The Good Humor Man with Jack Carson. Thank you for reading this.

You've got a front row seat.

If you’re wondering FOR WHAT, last night I ran across this priceless 1938 music video (for lack of a better term) on YouTube of jazz legend Louis Prima and his band with their version of the song “Loch Lomond.” Be sure to watch this all the way through to the end because the dancing audience becomes UNHINGED.

FYI, this is actually an excerpt from a longer clip called Swing Cats Jamboree that apparently was shown in theaters. Take a look at the full program here.

It’s another beastly hot sunny day in Dallas with the temperature at 100°. As a matter of fact, I just checked Weather.com and we’re expecting more of the same every day for the next 10 days with no chance of rain until a week from Tuesday — and then it’s only a 20% chance. This explains why the parks are always empty here and you never see kids playing outside or riding their bikes. Nearly all of our neighbors have children and I don’t know their names, how old they are or even what they look like. (This is not a complaint. It’s FANTASTIC.)

In case you haven’t been paying attention, we’re asking all of you to guess how much money is in Sam’s giant jar of change. Whoever comes closest will win a crate of Howdygram gifts and Texas-themed treasures; everybody else gets a genuine Howdybuck (see below) to redeem for a consolation prize. We’ll announce the results on June 30.

I definitely think I need to eat lox and bagels now. Please pass the cream cheese and thank you for reading this.

Seriously, I think the world is insane.

A couple of things.

First, I wonder if anybody else saw the story yesterday on MSNBC.com about Ross and Sandra Titus, a childless couple in their late 40s who legally adopted a 29-year-old woman. Ross and Sandra met Jillian at work in 2008 and bonded over their dogs. So they ADOPTED her, and the state of Washington even altered Jillian’s birth certificate to show Ross and Sandra as her parents! I don’t know about you, but this is exceptionally stupid and I can’t understand why the three of them couldn’t just be pals and order a pizza or go sing karaoke together now and then.

I’ll put my own twist on this. I’m nearly 60 years old and childless, and I’d like to adopt a successful 40-year-old attorney to take care of Sam and me during our golden years. I’m willing to do your laundry and you can come have dinner with us on Passover and Thanksgiving. All interested applicants please click here.

Second, I’m still intrigued by the ongoing saga of nutjob Representative Anthony Weiner, who puts a whole new twist on the congressional phrase “distinguished member.” Apparently it wasn’t bad enough that he accidentally posted bulging underpants pictures of himself on Twitter and got caught in explicit online sexual relationships with a bunch of young women. Now it’s been revealed that Weiner also emailed graphic NUDE photos of himself, and one of them was ricocheting all over the Internet last night. Weiner’s poor wife, who’s pregnant, works as an assistant to Hillary Clinton and is reportedly wearing a bag on her head that bears the official seal of the State Department.

I enjoyed another little Internet shopping spree last night. Here’s a photo of the latest loot, which should be delivered sometime next week. Incoming packages will keep my spirits up while Sam is in California for eight days visiting his mom. He leaves on Saturday. A steady stream of shipments begins on Monday.

Before I forget, this would be a great time to enter the Howdygram’s current contest. Thanks a million for reading this!

Mazel tov to Lisa and other news.

As a quick follow-up to Friday night’s post, my sister-in-law Lisa correctly identified Billy Gray, former child star from The Day the Earth Stood Still and TV’s “Father Knows Best.”

Billy is 73 years old. I’ll bet he would have aged better if he’d still been performing for the last 40 years. Now he just looks like an ordinary old guy with a bunch of age spots. I’m just saying.

If you’re interested, I spent most of the day on Saturday rolling coins and watching “Two Fat Ladies” reruns on the Cooking Channel. Around 5 Sam and I decided to go to dinner at Royal China in Dallas, arriving just in time for the invasion of early-bird senior citizens — a group to which we proudly belong. Royal China has terrific food (including the best cream cheese wontons EVER) plus an energetic noodle dude who entertains in the dining room. For more details from an earlier Howdygram post with an actual photo of the aforementioned energetic noodle dude, click here.

I’m going back to bed now because I need to rest up for another full day of coin-rolling. DON’T FORGET TO ENTER OUR CONTEST. Thank you for reading this.

Friday miscellany.

It’s been a genuinely swell (but extremely hot) day here. After Sam left for work I parked myself in front of the TV, rolled a mountain of coins and watched an interesting array of movies, including Julie & Julia, Night Train to Munich and Secrets of the French Police.

In case you’re interested, Julie & Julia is an adorable film (a true story) about a blogger named Julie Powell who writes about cooking her way through Julia Child’s book “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in one year’s time. Blended into the movie is a parallel story from Julia Child’s memoir about her married life in Paris after World War II and how she learned to cook at Le Cordon Bleu, with Meryl Streep doing a dead-on imitation that’s almost better than the original. And you also get to see a whole lot of beautiful food. I love beautiful food. All of a sudden I have an urge to buy a pound of butter.

Incidentally, the temperature in Dallas hit 99° today and it’s still spring. It’s so hot here your shoes stick to the pavement. Seriously.

I’m pleased to introduce a new and thrilling (okay, maybe not so thrilling) Howdygram feature! Please study the photo below and let me know if you can guess who this old man is. You can either send me an email or post a comment. (Here’s a little hint for you: STUDY HIS FACE CAREFULLY ... he was once a popular child star.)

I desperately need a very large glass of ice tea. Thank you for stopping by.

Enter today. Anybody can win!

I want to begin by repeating part of yesterday’s post regarding the Howdygram’s brand new contest. We’re getting ready to empty and count Sam’s giant change jar — which stands 19" tall and weighs 145 pounds — and think y’all should have a chance to guess the value of the contents. Grand prize is a crate of valuable Howdygram gifts and Texas-themed treasures. Everybody else will win a genuine Howdybuck that can be redeemed for your choice of consolation prizes to be announced at a later date.

I also want to stress that EVERYBODY IS WELCOME TO ENTER, including complete strangers, amused foreigners and distant relatives. Click here. Thank you.

Sam and I are having a damn exciting week and think all of you deserve to know exactly what’s happening in Howdygramland. Tonight I’m folding a mountain of socks and underwear. Tomorrow our maid service will be here to do what they call “spring cleaning” (windows, cabinets, ceiling fans, moose heads and so on) and afterwards I’ll go to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy a pile of fun crapola like little condiment spreaders, a new shower puff and a pair of nice serving bowls.

On Friday Sam will see the plastic surgeon at 10 a.m. to get the remaining stitches removed from his legs and I’ll drive to Central Market in Dallas to load up on ingredients for Sunday lunch because Sam’s brother and his wife (Steve and Therese) will be here. I’d much rather do Central Market on Saturday, but the store is intensely crowded on weekends and the deli counter is worse than the Apple Store in Manhattan when they launch a new iPhone. Seriously, it’s so mobbed you wind up with ticket #93 and they’re calling #16, and nobody EVER lets you move up in line even if you look pathetic, carry a cane, start to cry and drag a leg. (I speak from experience.)

Some assorted Central Market photos appear below. If you don’t have a Central Market where you live you should be very jealous.

I guess that’s about all for tonight, mostly because Sam will be home from work by 10:15 and I want to finish folding the last pile of socks before he gets here. It’s very important for a wife to keep up with socks. Thank you for reading this.

As May draws to a close ...

Please accept my apology for not posting on Sunday or Monday. Sometimes I run out of ideas or decide to hang out on the sofa like a slug watching old movies. In this case, I was guilty of BOTH.

I had an appointment this morning with my rheumatologist, who shared the results of last month’s lab tests. The good news is, I do NOT have lupus, rheumatoid arthritis or any other chronic inflammatory disease and therefore will not have to come back. Dr. Willis gave me another prescription for the anti-depressant Amitriptylene Hydrochloride because it’s eliminating the nerve pain in my hands and feet, but next time I need a refill (six months from now, I think) I’ll just ask my regular internist. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP MY HAPPY PILLS!

I also found out this morning that my blood pressure is pretty low. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, because for the last couple of years I’ve been taking two different medications for HIGH blood pressure and rarely test lower than 130/80. Today, however, it was 102/60, which is more like a reading you’d get from a cadaver. Even worse, I tried testing my blood pressure at home this afternoon and my LifeSource monitor didn’t register any numbers at all. (I know I’m still breathing because somebody who looks like me is typing this post.)

The Howdygram launched a BRAND NEW CONTEST today. All of you are invited to guess how much money is jammed into Sam’s gigantic jar of change, which we plan to empty and count within the next four weeks. Whoever guesses a number that’s closest to the actual amount will win a bunch of Howdygram gifts and Texas-themed treasures. To help you make the best guess possible, this is a five-gallon plastic Sparklett’s bottle that’s 19" tall and weighs 145 pounds. (Sam actually put the jar on our bathroom scale. I have no idea how he lifted it.) Click here to enter!

Smooches to one and all, and thank you for reading this.

Ask and ye shall receive.

My sister-in-law Lisa just commented (see previous post) that I didn’t include any pictures, so I sent Sam outside to play with my digital camera. We don’t have any photos from the ice storm on Tuesday because we never left the house. Today, though, Sam was a willing photographer because he couldn’t wait to romp around in five inches of new snow, no doubt because he grew up winter-deprived in the San Fernando Valley. In MY case, I’d be happy if I never saw this crap again for the rest of my life. (Seriously.)

Please note the white van in the bottom photo. It’s been stuck there for several days because the driveway is a sheet of ice. If it hasn’t been moved by April we’ll plant flowers and turn it into an arboretum.

Incidentally, I’ve been so distracted by the weather this week — and also not having any Internet access for four days — that I never posted the winners of the Howdygram’s New Year Giveaway. So here they are:

We gave away our own exclusive “Thank You for Reading This” merchandise, including five packs of note cards, two mouse pads, two tee shirts and refrigerator magnets for EVERYBODY. Prizes will be in the mail as soon as the roads become passable, which probably won’t be until early next week because there isn’t a snowplow within 350 miles of here. Thank you for reading this.