Shrimp dumplings and a bunch of eastern European contortionists showing off to music.

I discovered a crazy new sport last night at the London Games: BMX racing! BMX is fun to watch but really shouldn’t qualify as an Olympic sport because it’s basically just the roller derby on bicycles. You get eight riders on midget bikes — wearing helmets that make them look like alien raptors — exploding out of the gate at 40 miles per hour, except nearly everybody smashes into the wall at the first big turn so only two or three ever get to the finish line. Hilarious? Yes. Dangerous? You bet. Olympic? Not on your life, pal.

Sam and I went to Hong Kong Royal for dim sum today , which was AWESOME and even better than last time, probably because I brought home an order of Cantonese Pan Fried Noodles with Shrimp for an afternoon snack. God bless Cantonese Pan Fried Noodles! Even better, on Hong Kong Royal’s big-screen TV we had a chance to eat dumplings and watch rhythmic gymnastics at the London Olympics ALL AT THE SAME TIME, during which one hapless athlete dropped her mile-long twirling ribbon and collapsed into hysterics on the floor of the arena. Try to imagine her pain for a minute. You just invested 15 years of your life training for this moment, you make your mother work three jobs to buy you a $1,200 figure skating tutu with rhinestones, and then you DROP THE STINKING RIBBON AT THE OLYMPICS. She deserves to spend the next ten years in a labor camp when she finally goes home to Uzbekistan Kyrgyzstan Turkmenistan Bulgaria wherever the hell she’s from.

For your possible interest here are three representative images of rhythmic gymnastics from the London Olympics. The one in the center is clearly reminiscent of Titian’s painting Diana and Actaeon from 1556. (Google it if you don’t believe me.)

In my opinion rhythmic gymnastics don’t belong in the Olympics because it’s just a bunch of eastern European contortionists showing off to music. However they really know how to point their toes.

News flash! My new sleep aid, Trazodone, worked pretty well last night, although it apparently wears off after six hours because at 5:30 this morning I was wide awake, thirsty, hungry and bored. It was like somebody flipped a switch and WHAMMO. So I decided to move forward with Plan B: 1) a Marcytini; 2) Cheetos; and 3) an old Myrna Loy movie. (That’s technically an oxymoron. Every Myrna Loy movie is an “old” Myrna Loy movie.)

As long as I’m on the subject of movies, a couple of days ago Sam and I watched The Wolf Man (1941) with Lon Chaney, Jr., Claude Rains, Ralph Bellamy and Bela Lugosi. This was not nearly as scary as I remembered it as a kid, but it was genuine buttered popcorn entertainment with the silly Wolf Man costume, all that fake fog and Maria Ouspenskaya as the creepy gypsy fortune teller.

It’s time to move on with some afternoon activities, such as: 1) making chocolate pudding; 2) eating my leftover Cantonese Pan Fried Noodles with Shrimp; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. Sam is asleep in the family room and he definitely has the right idea. Thank you for reading this.

Coming soon: extreme agitation and frenzied abnormal excitement.

Yo from Texas. I got my monthly email promotion today from The Wright Stuff, a website that sells all kinds of peculiar crap for people with arthritis and mobility issues. Today’s featured products were industrial-size pill sorters and storage units. Pictured below are the seven-day “Vita Vault” and the 30-day “Med Center.”

The “Vita Vault” ($14.95) has limited usefulness for me (way too few compartments) and looks like the jellybean dispenser from one of those candy stores at the mall. The “Med Center” ($39.95) is more impressive, however, and lets an over-medicated person store a month of drugs in a container the size of South Dakota. These would be perfect Hanukkah grab-bag presents for your favorite senior citizen. You might also consider a gift certificate for discount cremation services, which is always in good taste. (Seriously.)

From our Life Can Be Better at Club Meds department, I learned today that my new sleep aid, Trazodone, is actually an antidepressant that’s frequently used to treat insomnia and/or schizophrenia. I’m pretty sure Dr. M prescribed it for the former rather than the latter, but you never can tell. Trazodone’s possible side effects — according to information from the National Institute of Health’s website — are: 1) nausea; 2) new or worsening depression; 3) thoughts of suicide; 4) extreme agitation; 5) panic attacks; 6) aggressive behavior; 7) acting without thinking (does this include shopping on Amazon?); and 8) frenzied abnormal excitement. Holy crap! There’s so much to look forward to! I’m particularly anxious to experience number 8. Stay tuned, okay?

And now for your possible interest I’d like to share the Howdygram’s Top Six Stupidest Sports from the summer Olympics. I’ve been watching the Games for the last two weeks and — trust me, people — the meaningless competitions described (and pictured) below are the worst of the lot.

1. Artistic Gymnastics. This is more like a floor show by Cirque de Soleil and bears no resemblance to an Olympic sport by any stretch of the imagination. You get a bunch of contortionists twisting themselves in knots accompanied by peppy music.
2. Trampoline. A bunch of skinny little dudes with pointy toes bouncing on mattresses. This is almost as stupid to watch as it is to score.
3. Synchronized Swimming. The team competition is a 1930s Busby Berkeley musical with a bunch of women in clown makeup trying to make a kaleidoscope in the water. The “duets” are significantly worse, showcasing a couple of girlfriends splashing around in a pool. Wake me when it’s over.
4. Beach Volleyball. This might be fun on a Saturday morning if you live on the beach in southern California or Austrialia but nobody else on earth cares enough about this sport to even bother forming an Olympics team. Wearing a bikini to lunge around an artificial sand pit in east London — where the weather is 62° with steady drizzle — makes no sense whatsoever.
5. Women’s Wrestling. A bizarre fetish activity that’s mainly popular among the fad-obsessed Japanese, famous for inventing Hello Kitty and “hentai” porn cartoons.
6. Equestrian Dressage. (Rhymes with “massage.”) Involves people in formalwear who get their horses to do idiotic things like ballet. Think of it as the modern-day equivalent of an East Los Angeles low-rider competition. The video clip below provides the perfect illustration.

Thank you for reading this. I need to eat dinner now.

Iordan Iovtchev, Bulgaria’s king of geezer gymnastics.

I’ve got so much excellent crap to report that I think my head might explode before I have a chance to finish writing this post! First, a recap of my doctor appointment this morning. I lost 28½ unexpected pounds since my last visit in May, and my “vitals” are as follows: blood pressure 118/60; pulse 74; temperature 98.7. And it’s nice to know that I’m still 5'7½" tall, which means Sam must be experiencing a mid-life growth spurt because I’ve been feeling really short lately. I should mention, also, that Dr. M added two more prescriptions to my ever-growing list of daily meds. These are: 1) Trazodone Hydrochloride (a sleep aid); and 2) Lotrisone cream to help with the creepy itchy rash between the fingers on my right hand.

The results of my quarterly lab tests will be forthcoming. Please feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime.

Today’s new purchases (so far) from Amazon.com include two big bottles of Dial NutriSkin body wash, Clorox bleach and three containers of sugar-free marble halva, all pictured below.

I might consider one or two additional purchases since I don’t have anything else on my agenda tonight aside from regularly-scheduled Olympics crapola.

As long as I’m on the subject, it’s time (at last) for the latest from London. It seems that seven athletes from Cameroon are nowhere to be found, according to David Ojong, the poor slob who was supposed to be keeping track of them. The missing athletes include five male boxers, a female soccer player and a male swimmer. None has been seen since Monday. A reserve soccer player, Drusille Ngako, went missing on July 26. The Cameroonian delegation advised the London Games organizers and Cameroon’s embassy, although it still isn’t clear if the missing athletes plan to seek asylum in the United Kingdom or not. Maybe they all just went shopping. In the meantime I don’t think it should be be too hard to find them in outfits like this.

I also want to introduce you to Bulgaria’s Iordan Iovtchev, the oldest male gymnast at the London Games who showed up night before last to take a shot at the still rings and floor exercises. This is Iovtchev’s sixth — and hopefully his final — Olympics. He didn’t win a medal in London but apparently has been a household name in Bulgaria for the last 25 years, which gives you a rough idea how exciting life must be for your average Bulgarian. Holy crap.

From our Country Music Hall of Fame department, not too long ago singing legend Randy Travis, 53, was found chugging wine in front of the First Baptist Church in Sanger, Texas. But I guess that wasn’t Randy’s personal best because last night he walked BUCK NAKED into a Grayson County convenience store to buy cigarettes, crashed his car, then laid down (still naked) in the middle of County Road 922, not far from his house in Tioga. During his arrest Randy allegedly threatened to shoot a state trooper, which is actually kind of funny since he obviously wasn’t carrying a concealed weapon. The stupid dude’s mug shot is posted below.

 Thank you for reading this.

Olympics news, musings and interesting crapola.

Howdy and happy Monday, y’all, from your parched pals in sun-baked Texas. The high today was 102°, marking our tenth straight day in the triple digits and our third consecutive week without precipitation. I’ve been hoping that tropical storm Ernesto would swing north after it hits the Yucatan tomorrow, strengthen over the Gulf of Mexico and slam into Houston as a really big hurricane — at least we’d finally get some rain! — but the latest storm tracking map on Weather.com blows my fantasy all to hell.

And now for some Olympics news, musings and interesting crapola.

• U.S. judo fighter Nick Delpopolo was expelled from the Games earlier today after testing positive for marijuana, which he insists he “ate accidentally” before arriving in London. Pass the brownies, Nick!
• British gymnast Beth Twiddle is a classic example of why people with serious dental issues should live in America.
• German gymnast Oksana Chusovitina, age 37, should be spending her money on a stylist instead of a coach. She looks so much like a 15-year-old boy that Sam and I had to rewind her vault performance three times.
• I wish somebody would tell NBC’s windbag swimming announcers Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines to “get a room.” They gaze at each other when they talk, sit so damn close you’d think they’re sharing a chair, and — I swear to God — Rowdy giggles, tilts his head and bats his eyelashes like a girl. (Check out the photo below.)

Holy cow, it’s already 6:30 and I haven’t thought about DINNER yet! Latkes with sour cream is at the top of my list because I’ve been moderately crabby all day (as evidenced by the snarky comments earlier in this post) and nothing improves my mood faster than a greasy stack of potato pancakes accompanied by a high-fat dairy product. Send me an email if you’d like to stop by tonight because I always make extras. Afterwards we can watch a couple of “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover” reruns and the Olympics. Thank you for reading this.

Introducing the Howdygram’s stimulus package.

The Howdygram has an immediate solution for our sagging economy. If the U.S. government wants to stimulate spending they should just give everybody a free membership to Costco! Even Sam, who’s not a “spender” or a “foodie” to the slightest degree whatsoever, will load a cart with industrial-size containers of incomprehensible crapola even if he’s not hungry. In my case, I practically need a Valium before I go. That’s how much fun it is at Costco! Thank God we only do this every three or four months. This morning we snagged all of the following essentials:

• three pounds of tortellini pasta salad
• a million jumbo cashews
• fresh stuffed bell peppers (tonight’s dinner)
• two gigantic bottles of KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce
• three gigantic bottles of Classico pasta sauce
• Kirkland kitchen trash bags
• a quart-size jar of fresh salsa
• frozen Angus beef hamburgers
• frozen Foster Farms chicken patty things
• frozen beef & bean burritos
• a package of 16 steak & cheese flautas
• three pounds of rotisserie chicken salad
• two pounds of pepper-jack cheese
• a partridge in a pear tree (I might be kidding about this one)

In an effort to be frugal I almost bought four half-pound cans of albacore tuna but changed my mind at the last minute.

For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Costco on Route 205 in Rockwall.

Our Costco is only three years old with a ton of handicapped parking and lots of little electric shopping carts, as pictured below. My cart was so super-charged this morning I did wheelies in frozen foods until Sam asked me to calm down because I was scaring people.

I’d better get dinner started so we can watch the Olympics recap and eat things at the same time. Tonight’s events include: 1) track & field; 2) apparatus finals in women’s gymnastics; 3) springboard diving (wake me when it’s over); and 4) lesbian women’s beach volleyball, where Misty May-Treanor and Kerry Walsh Jennings continue to pretend they’re doing something relevant. Frankly, you’d think two middle-aged women would have found something better to do with their lives by now. I’m just saying.

Thank you for reading this.

The shot put is as big a waste of time as “Dancing with the Stars.”

From our God Bless Texas department, in the event you’re really hard up for entertainment this morning please allow me to share the following video clip of “Whiplash,” the Mesquite Rodeo’s teeniest cowboy. Thank you.

Sam and I decided last night that we hate the shot put. Seriously, this track and field event is even more pointless than the luge, mostly because the latter at least offers the chance of a good crash now and then. The shot put involves an enormous sweaty doofus clutching a lead bowling ball against his neck (which, incidentally, is covered with gymnastics chalk), spinning around in a circle and then heaving the aforementioned bowling ball onto a field full of dents, where official little referees in matching hats run around with tape measures.

Sorry, people, but the Howdygram thinks somebody should terminate this idiotic event permanently. I don’t see how grunting 450-pound men with hairy armpits — such as fashion-forward Reese Hoffa, pictured above — are athletes by any stretch of the imagination, and watching them hurl bowling balls on television is as big a waste of time as “Dancing with the Stars.”

Another Olympic event that needs to go away is the trampoline, because it doesn’t qualify as gymnastics and it’s NOT a competitive sport ... it’s what 10-year-old showoffs do in their back yard. Last night we watched China’s star trampoline hotshot Dong Dong (see below) win gold while his siblings Long and Ding cheered from the stands. Just between us, I don’t understand the expression on Dong Dong’s face. Does bouncing hurt?

And finally, I’ve got some breaking news from the world of greasy snacks! Frito-Lay has a new outsourcing endeavor ... they’re willing to pay the general public a million dollars — you and me! — to invent a NEW FLAVOR COMBINATION for Lay’s potato chips! After giving this lots of thought, probably way more than it deserves, I came up with Marcy's Top Ten:

1. gefilte fish and horseradish
2. grilled cheese with Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles
3. Cajun blackened shrimp with remoulade
4. Mongolian chicken
5. latkes with sour cream
6. guacamole
7. spaghetti and meatballs
8. matzo ball soup
9. Lou Malnati’s deep-dish sausage pizza
10. a BLT sandwich on white toast with fries and a dill pickle

Holy crap, I’m starving. Anybody want to do lunch?

The nutrition fairies will strike me dead for this.

Happy Friday from Howdygramland, y’all. This has been an exciting day of life-changing decisions and eager expectations for the future! For instance: 1) after Sam left for work I went to Vince’s Salon for a haircut; 2) I ordered a giant can of sugar-free vanilla shake mix from Amazon; and 3) I watched Cheaper by the Dozen (1950) with Clifton Webb and Myrna Loy. I also considered eating the sugar-free chocolate cake I made yesterday but decided to wait until later.

In retrospect I’m pretty sure none of those three activities actually qualifies a life-changing decision or eager future expectation, but what the hell, holy crap and let’s move on, okay?

In breaking news, apparently a fresh salad can be worse for you than a Big Mac. I just read on NBCNews.com that Wisconsin-based Garden Fresh is recalling SEVEN TONS OF PACKAGED SALADS because they contain ingredients possibly contaminated with Listeria. If you think about it, I can’t ever remember a Big Mac recall for any reason whatsoever, which means McDonald’s is obviously healthier than a bag of greens. (I’m pretty sure the nutrition fairies will eventually strike me dead for this.)

Here’s a hot story from the London Olympics. Less than 24 hours after winning gold for her all-around gynmastics performance Gabby Douglas’ face is already on a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. During the next few months I’m sure her smiley little kisser will show up in ads for damn near anything from tampons to yogurt to lip gloss to Fruit of the Loom underpants.

Nice going, Gabby. You’ve only been famous for one stinking day and already people are getting tired of you. (Check out a few of the comments online.)

And now it’s time for a nice shower followed by that piece of frosted cake I postponed a couple of hours ago. Thank you for reading this.

Olympic sports to avoid: water polo, men’s volleyball, rowing, synchronized farting and canoe painting.

I’ll bet you thought I wasn’t planning to write a post today. Well, guess what ... you’re wrong! It was hard to find the time, however, because it’s been busy around here. Following a two-hour afternoon nap, I: 1) baked a sugar-free chocolate frosted cake; 2) watched “Project Runway,” last night’s episode of “Dallas” and a racy 1931 Myrna Loy movie called The Barbarian; 3) ate gefilte fish; and 4) enjoyed NBC’s four-hour Olympics recap in less than 60 minutes. In case you’re wondering how I accomplished item four, I record the Olympics on our DVR and then fast-forward through all the horseshit that doesn’t interest me, such as water polo, men’s volleyball, rowing, synchronized farting, canoe painting and commercials. What remained were a couple of swimming finals — another big day for Michael Phelps! — and watching teeny little Gabby Douglas win the all-around gold medal in women’s gymnastics.

I also ordered some excellent stuff from Amazon today, including a package of kitchen scrubby sponges and teeny bottles of intense flavor oil. If, for some inexplicable reason, these purchases are not self-explanatory, I use the kitchen scrubby sponges to scrub things in the kitchen and the teeny bottles of intense flavor oil to add — wait for it — intense flavor! For instance, you can smoosh nine or ten drops into a can of sugar-free frosting. This also works for pudding. Missing from the image below are three boxes of Ziploc quart-size storage bags. (Try to forgive me.)

And now, while I wait for Sam to get home from work (he’s already two hours late), I think I’ll whack off a nice slab of that aforementioned sugar-free chocolate frosted cake and watch a “Hardcore Pawn” rerun. Turn out the light when you’re done here, okay?

Has anybody ever noticed that China’s female athletes mostly look like men?

I just checked Weather.com and noticed that the temperature here will hit 108° today and 107° tomorrow. Quite honestly, I’m a little freaked out about this because I didn’t sign up to live in the MOJAVE DESERT. Holy crap, people, this is Dallas! What are we supposed to do with our GREEN TREES and RIVERS and CATTLE and PUBLIC PARKS and LAWNS and PETS and PLAYGROUNDS!? It’s so damn hot around here you can’t even park your car outdoors long enough to eat a plate of Senior Scrambled Eggs at Denny’s, which shouldn’t take more than 30 stinking minutes if you get a decent waitress.

I personally don’t intend to leave the house for any reason whatsoever even though Sam is already at Pep Boys replacing the flat tire on our Hyundai (check out my previous post).

Breaking news from the London Olympics this morning is a story that eight women badminton players from China, South Korea and Indonesia were expelled from the Games for intentionally trying to lose, apparently in an effort to play against easier teams in the round robin elimination. Although I’m not inferring that badminton is in any way an interesting, relevant, fun to watch or stimulating sport, it’s really crappy that paying ticket holders were treated to the sight of athletes purposely lousing up their serves and throwing games. After 45 minutes of booing, Olympics officials finally threw the players off the court and had them expelled. On a slightly different subject, has anybody ever noticed that China’s female athletes mostly look like men?

Howdygram headquarters is humming this morning! As I write this post I’ve got a crew of maids cleaning the kitchen, landscapers galloping all over the front yard and any minute now Schwan’s will knock on my front door with this week’s delivery of tasty but convenient frozen crapola, pictured below for your possible interest. I almost thought Schwan’s showed up early today but it was only a couple of well-dressed Jehovah’s Witnesses. Somebody should tell them it’s too hot today to sell religion.

Sam just got home. Thank you for reading this.

Will somebody please tell Rowdy Gaines and Dan Hicks to shut the hell up.

For the first time in nearly 61 years I’ve got a useless car in the garage with a flat tire. As luck would have it, this is also THE EXACT SAME DAY I’m in need of an emergency haircut and feel like driving over to Five Guys for a hot dog. I also wouldn’t mind going for a ride. Click here to email a new tire immediately so I can get the hell out of here for a couple of hours. I don’t know for sure what size tire my Hyundai needs but it doesn’t really matter since I only plan to drive around for a short time. Thank you in advance.

There’s a lot of whining online about NBC’s crappy TV coverage of the London Olympics and so far I find myself agreeing with just about ALL of it. For instance:

• NBC’s pathetic four-hour prime-time recap assumes everybody already knows who won and lost the day’s events because Bob Costas, sports’ teeny little Botox poster child, finds it necessary to begin with half a dozen spoilers, i.e., “Coming up … Missy Franklin wins gold!” Thanks a lot, Einstein.
• NBC announcers described women gymnasts as “emotional divas” and the men as “determined and passionate.” Obviously they missed gymnast John Orozco’s reaction when the U.S. men finished fifth. (He was CRYING.)

• Will somebody please tell Rowdy Gaines and Dan Hicks — NBC’s chatterbox swimming experts — to SHUT THE HELL UP. I’m so sick of their horseshit “filler” information that I’m ready to blow my brains out. I seriously do not need to know that Missy Franklin got started in the pool at a Mommy & Me play date when she was 14 months old. 
• Marta Karolyi is not God and it would be nice if somebody informed NBC.

• I’m pissed off that NBC doesn’t display the gymnastics scores of other teams when you can obviously hear the crowds screaming and cheering in the background. What the hell?
• NBC paid $4.3 billion for the rights to broadcast all Olympics coverage through 2020. I think I might throw up.

And now it’s time to bring in today’s UPS deliveries from the front doorstep and throw together something wonderful for dinner, such as a bowl of gefilte fish or the leftover mozzarella sticks that Sam didn’t eat for lunch. Thank you for reading this!

More Olympic fashions, a scratching post for humans and a diabetes breakthrough.

Before I start blabbering about Friday’s opening ceremonies in London I need to scream GLORIOSKI and HALLELUJAH, because I finally found somebody who sells scratching posts for people! You can buy them at BackscratcherWorld.com (click here) with all necessary mounting hardware on sale for only $19.95. I’m so excited I almost can’t stand it. My back itches about 90% of the time and it sure would be wonderful to give Sam a break once in a while even though he never complains. (I’m married to a swell guy.)

Speaking of Sam, at the moment he’s on his way to Tom Thumb for a carload of grocery essentials that includes: 1) a bunch of pepper jack cheese; 2) three boxes of Streit’s potato pancake mix; and 3) I can’t remember what else is on his list. Maybe a honeydew melon. I think I also told him to pick up some cole slaw. It’s hell getting old.

At last, it’s time for Howdygram’s fashion review of the London opening ceremonies a couple of days ago. It was my original plan to write this post yesterday but I got caught up watching the actual Olympics instead. I even watched three sets of women’s beach volleyball, and I hate women’s beach volleyball.

The first four featured nations appear below. Togo’s athletes, much like Spain’s (see previous post), got all dressed up to work at a food court. Syria sent a team of middle-aged businessmen. I’m not sure where Lesotho is — somewhere in the middle of South Africa, I think — but their athletes marched into the arena carrying garment bags with striped dunce caps on their heads. The crew from American Samoa dressed up in hospital scrubs and, in case you didn’t notice, the men are wearing SKIRTS.

Pictured below, athletes from the Czech Republic wore blue rubber rain boots with matching umbrellas. I don’t exactly understand the rest of their get-up, either. Are the women really wearing blazers over short white dresses with knee-length print underpants? Winning our award for Strangest Hats is the slightly cartoonish contigent from Kyrgyzstan. As for the athletes from Malaysia, they simply scared the crap out of me.

Now for our final group of three. I can’t quite explain why, but I loved the outfits from Nigeria, especially those green satin head things! San Marino’s fashions were created by Italian designer Salvatore Ferragamo. I guess if you’re only sending four athletes to the Games you can afford to dress them in cashmere with $1,800 handbags. And matching shoes. Holy crap. And finally, Liberia sent the most patriotic athletes on earth and literally wrapped them in plastic shower curtains that looked like their national flag. Way to go, Liberia!

In other news, I made an interesting discovery today related to my diabetes. I discovered that my fasting blood sugar count in the morning is incredibly lower after a really good night’s sleep. Two nights in a row last week I barely managed four hours of sleep and wound up with elevated blood sugar numbers in the morning (138 and 152). Today my count was perfect (90) after sleeping eight hours. I’m not exactly sure how to process this information so I’ll mention it to Dr. M when I see her in August. Maybe she’ll suggest a SLEEP AID! (The only thing better would be Mongolian chicken or frosted cake.)

Thank you for reading this.

Crappy Olympic fashions from around the globe. (Spain wins.)

It’s the middle of the night in Howdygramland and I can’t sleep again. Same reason as last time — neuropathy — except tonight my hands and feet feel like they’re on fire from the inside (a very weird sensation) and I’m also having an issue with a very ugly and itchy rash between two fingers on my right hand. Therefore, as long as I’m sitting here like a zombie I decided to write a post so the night won’t be a total loss. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get to bed before thunderstorms start rolling in here around 3 a.m. (I didn’t know we were expecting any storms until 15 minutes ago. Surprise!)

For your possible interest I’d like to share some meaningful Olympics crapola. First, here are a couple of photos of Australia’s star swimmer Leisel Jones, who’s apparently packed on some serious pounds leading up the London Games. The Australian Olympic committee is pissed that local reporters are commenting on Leisel’s size even though it’s pretty clear to damn near everybody that she’s not in great shape for a competitive swimmer. (Maybe she’ll switch to wrestling when she gets to London.)

And now for a preview of some curious Olympic uniforms from around the globe in case you don’t plan to watch tonight’s opening ceremonies. I think the worst of the bunch are Spain’s  because their athletes look like FOOD COURT EMPLOYEES. This outfit is so thoroughly stupid that I’m almost speechless.

Here are three more, representing a variety of additional crappy Olympic fashions from China, Great Britain and the Ukraine.

All of these are pretty bad, but I guess I’m most confused by those purple outfits on Great Britain’s medal presenters and “escorts.” The women are wearing tight purple polyester dresses with random zippers and flying strips of orange toilet paper; the men look like gay airline stewards. And is there any kind of explanation for that pointy Judy Jetson hat?

Weather.com just rescheduled our incoming thunderstorms an extra hour to 4 a.m. with an 80% chance of severe weather by 7. Knowing their general track record I’d be willing to bet we never see any severe weather at all. Or any rain, either. In the meantime this might be an ideal opportunity to go back to bed since I have a haircut appointment at 10 a.m. and it’s always a good idea not to nod off in the chair. (I’ve actually done this.) Thanks for stopping by and please turn off the light on your way out.

Thank you in advance for giving a crap about this.

I’m having an exceptionally lazy day after a crappy night’s sleep (four hours). Due to the resulting lack of energy, motivation and brain function I’ve decided to make my singular goal du jour researching NBC’s TV coverage of the London Olympics. Following 9½ minutes of concerted effort, the Howdygram is pleased to provide this handy link to help all of you decipher your local listings. FYI, the opening ceremonies will air Friday night on NBC during prime time; cool events like swimming start Saturday morning. I’m definitely into  swimming. Also gymnastics. I have no interest whatsoever in volleyball, rowing, throwing javelins, fencing, sailing or badminton. Badminton? Seriously?

For your possible interest I’m pleased to post the latest installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery, this time featuring a variety of pin-up dudes from the 1950s and 60s. Personally, I think all of them aged beautifully, although money and great hair could have something to do with it. The only exception is the late Troy Donahue, who looked like he’d been living in the back of a station wagon. For my money, gorgeous Chad Everett managed to look even better at 75 than he did four decades ago. (Don’t you wish everybody could say that?) Unfortunately, Chad died yesterday from lung cancer.

Wow. I’m STARVING. I’ve been sitting here for the last 45 minutes trying to figure out what I want for dinner. (Yes, it’s true, I have a really nice life.) My first instinct is to order something wonderful from China City, such as Curry Shrimp and Mongolian Chicken, which would supply enough leftovers for at least two days, although I also have a massive quantity of gefilte fish in the refrigerator. It’s quite a conundrum, isn’t it? If you have any thoughts or suggestions I’d appreciate a quick email within the next 15 minutes because I need to eat something. Thank you in advance for giving a crap about this. It’s nice to have friends who care.

Holy McShitsky ... healthy options for world-class athletes!

First and foremost, please accept my apology for not writing any Howdygram posts for the last couple of days. On Sunday I got caught up making tacos and watching the British Open, and yesterday I spent most of the day working on website updates for a couple of annoying clients who are — is there a nice way to say this? — TECHNICAL IGNORAMUSES who don’t know a URL from a potted plant. (I definitely like their money, however.)

Breaking news from the London Olympics! After facing lots of flak and official scrutiny for being the world’s largest purveyor of USELESS HIGH-FAT CRAP, McDonald’s — the 2012 Games’ exclusive food vendor — has decided to promote itself as “low calorie” and “healthy” by distributing a chart of its menu items under 400 calories. This would include favorites like Sausage McMuffins, “snack size” Oreo McFlurries, a single hamburger, a small order of fries and water. Please keep in mind, however, that a typical McDonald’s meal adds up to far more than “400 calories.” A couple of McDoubles, a large order of fries and a chocolate shake contain 2,168 calories and 246 grams of fat. Holy McShitsky ... let’s thank McDonald’s for all these healthy options for world-class athletes!

In case you’re looking for some top-quality TV entertainment tonight, the Howdygram recommends the two-hour season finale of “Deadliest Catch” on Discovery and this week’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV. No kidding, these are the best programs on television and if you’re not watching regularly a lot of high-quality reality is passing you by.

“Deadliest Catch” delivers the life-and-death hijinks of crab fishermen on the Bering Sea; with “Hardcore Pawn” you get a family of bickering Jewish pawnbrokers (visit their website) battling homicidal lunatics in the bowels of Detroit. Seriously, what’s not to love?

On the subject of homicidal lunatics for a minute, accused mass murderer James Holmes appeared confused and unstable in a Colorado court yesterday, where he exhibited signs of psychotic behavior and even nodded off during the proceedings. Experts are scrambling for an explanation and several have suggested that Holmes could be “faking it.” Trust me, HE’S NOT. Holmes is criminally isane. He let police capture him alive, told them his apartment was booby-trapped and then sat in jail playing with evidence bags like hand puppets. The face pictured below is Satan with a L’Oreal Paris dye job. 

On a more cheerful note, in a few minutes I’m going to watch one of my all-time favorite napping movies: Around the World in 80 Days (1956) with David Niven and Cantinflas. The musical score and cinematography are hypnotic, and the cast is a who’s who of classic movie star cameos featuring Ronald Colman, Noel Coward, John Gielgud, Charles Boyer, Gilbert Roland, Frank Sinatra, Cedric Hardwicke, George Raft, Marlene Dietrich, Peter Lorre, Red Skelton and Buster Keaton, to name a few. Also Andy Devine and Cesar Romero. (God forbid I should forget Andy Devine and Cesar Romero.)

Thank you for reading this. I know I say this a lot, but I’m not joking.