“I don’t want to be a cold-blooded killer of police officers” would be an excellent campaign slogan.

In this post: Shopping extravaganzas, a duo of douchebags.

Aside from braunschweiger sandwiches and afternoon naps the most fun a senior citizen can have at Howdygram headquarters is SHOPPING, so I began yesterday with a modest extravaganza on Amazon that included a foaming soap pump for the master bathroom, a pair of 28-inch telescoping backscratchers for yours truly and The Inspector General DVD starring Danny Kaye. It just doesn’t get much better than this!

Shopping is the perfect antidote to miserable national and international news.

In this post: Shopping sprees.

In case you’re experiencing a negative sensory overload — like yours truly — from endlessly miserable national and international news, the Howdygram would like to recommend the perfect antidote: SHOPPING ONLINE FOR CHEAP BUT WONDERFUL CRAP. Today I engaged in the following mini-therapy sprees. First up: Wal-Mart.

Meet Kory Watkins, the ultimate Texas dipshit.

In this post: Fun food, a Texas dipshit, naps.

Know what? Sam did a Costco shlep this morning, which means: 1) great big packages of our favorite teeny tacos and breakfast burritos; 2) a tub of squishy mozzarella balls floating in tasty oily crap with green things (I think the technical name for this is “marinade”); 3) really, really good chicken tamales in GENUINE CORN HUSKS; 4) raspberries; and 5) Brownie Brittle. Forgive me if I sound hysterical but I love this crap. I really do. Sam also had instructions to stop at our neighborhood Wal-Mart for a trunk full of emergency Coke Zeros (I ran out yesterday and had a brain hemorrhage) and four jars of teeny whole mushrooms in salt-flavored preservatives because CRAVINGS.

Schwan’s home delivery is frequently my only contact with the outside world.

In this post: William Powell, canned shrimp.

It’s Tuesday morning, 7 a.m., and I’ve been awake since 4:45 doing practically nothing except catching up on current events via assorted news websites. Also shopping. I just ordered a box of AA batteries plus the following DVDs from Amazon because they’re very old and very hard-to-find Philo Vance mysteries starring William Powell: The Greene Murder Case (1929) with Jean Arthur and Eugene Pallette and The Benson Murder Case (1930) with Natalie Moorhead and Hopalong Cassidy (William Boyd). Oh boy, people. I LOVE THIS STUFF!

Order from Wal-Mart. It’s always nice to have new things.

In this post: Retirement, real mayonnaise, grill marks.

Oy, people, I finally did it. A couple of hours ago I emailed my website clients to announce that I’m discontinuing all remaining aspects of my business by the end of this year and they should hire designers immediately to build new websites for them. This is a big fat “HOLY CRAP” moment for me. Finally ... no more needy pests! No more baloney! No more chasing deadbeats for money! 

It’s time for a new season of psychotic crab fishermen freezing to death on the Bering Sea.

In this post: Changes, canned ham, crab fishermen.

I’m excited to begin a new week with a gigantic announcement: I’VE DECIDED TO USE A DARKER SHADE OF BROWN FOR THE CONTENT OF MY HOWDYGRAM POSTS! In case you don’t believe me or can’t remember what the old shade of brown looked like, here’s a convenient side-by-side illustration to share with your friends and relatives.

Never turn your back on a speeding train.

In this post: Deliveries, orders, teenage morons.

This has been a relatively uneventful day, not counting a very juicy three-hour late morning nap, lots of teeny Don Miguel tacos for lunch and our biweekly delivery of tasty frozen whatnots from the nice people at Schwan’s, which included the two products pictured below.

I almost ordered Schwan’s Onion Rings, too, but changed my mind at the last minute since I’m pretty sure we don’t have any extra room in the freezer right now due to too much food. Sam and I have to eat faster.

Fighting back against the GOP’s budget from hell.

In this post: Remodeling, the GOP budget, mealtime favorites.

In case you’re dying of curiosity, our shower remodeling crew showed up this morning at 8:30 and they’ve been hard at work ever since not counting a break for lunch. I haven’t even had an opportunity to see what’s going on because they’ve had the bathroom door closed all day so they wouldn’t disturb me. (I was asleep on the chaise in the family room for a few hours watching cheesy monster movies.) It’s currently 6:25, and I have a hunch they’re almost finished because I think I smell paint!

Who the hell starts a remodeling project at dinner-time?

In this post: Emergency groceries, waiting for Clayton.

I’ll begin with a brief synopsis of Sam’s emergency grocery expedition to Wal-Mart this morning, which included braunschweiger, Oscar Mayer bologna, a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese and several dozen two-liter bottles of Coke Zero. Because a senior citizen needs her Marcytinis.

This is a perfect opportunity for Texas diners to switch to Chinese.

In this post: Bustling activity, a citrus dilemma.

Howdygram headquarters has been bustling with SENIOR CITIZEN EXCITEMENT today, as evidenced by the neatly-typed list that appears below.

I WOKE UP AT 2:45 A.M. In case you give a crap, I had aching shins — glorioski! something new! — plus chest pains from being hunched over in a weird position and burning hot hands with stabby electric shocks due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy. The best remedy was to drink a South Pacific Marcytini — this is a regular Marcytini with some sugar-free Hawaiian Punch powder mixed in — and diddle around at my desk until I felt like a regular person again. I went back to bed at 4:15. (Sam didn’t know I was gone.)

A new appliance and an easy homemade old people’s potato salad recipe.

In this post: Washing things, eating things.

That sound you hear in the background? Yes, it’s LAUNDRY DAY again at Howdygram headquarters! At the moment I’ve got towels in the dryer and a load of socks and whites spinning in the wash. I honestly can’t imagine anything that’s more entertaining on a Thursday afternoon except for refilling my pill sorter or possibly a nap.

I’ve been hacked.

In this post: Generosity, suspension, canned goods.

I’ve got some breaking news for those of you following the tale of my wayward shipment from Netrition. Today they RESHIPPED MY ENTIRE ORDER from back on March 11, not just the contents of the one damaged carton that UPS returned to them. Holy crap, everybody … we’ll be PACKED TO THE RAFTERS here with duplicate pumpernickel, hot dog buns, cookies, pasta sauce, chili, sugar-free fake Kool-Aid drink mixes and chocolate bars! That’s about $150 worth of free food! I’m sure the customer service Einsteins at Netrition think they’re being generous, helpful and accommodating, but WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THIS STUFF? Our pantry is already jammed with — among other things — Hormel tamales, Spam, Vienna sausages, Loma Linda fake meat and teeny cans of ham floating in mystery juice that arrive regularly in caseloads from Wal-Mart and Amazon. Please don’t tell Sam about this yet so I can make a plan. HEY! WANT TO COME FOR DINNER?

Oscar Pistorius is a douchebag and other important things for Tuesday.

In this post: New red, important things.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but as of 3:45 Monday afternoon — and for no apparent reason whatsoever — I started using A DIFFERENT SHADE OF RED for the Howdygram’s accent color! Although I’m pretty sure nobody except me gives a crap about this, in case you can’t tell the difference (or don’t know what I’m talking about) the following example will absolutely knock your socks off:

I can hardly wait to scorch my Ball Park Smoked White Fat-Free Turkey Franks!

In this post: Overtime, kitchen gadgets, celebrities.

Here’s some sad and pathetic news: SAM HAD TO GO TO WORK TODAY and probably won’t be home until 4 a.m. This sucks, right? Fortunately he managed to squeeze in a three-hour nap after lunch — actually, we both did — so at least I know he’s not feeling like a zombie. To amuse myself in Sam’s absence I immediately ordered an adorable stainless steel toaster oven from Wal-Mart for $39 ... the exact same brand and model that Amazon sells for $156. Click here to see for yourself! I’M NOT KIDDING!

Breaking news from our Buy This Crap Fast Before the Price Goes Up department.

In this post: Hypoglycemia, hot dogs, emergency coffee, North Korea.

5:25 A.M. Oy. I’ve been awake for an hour and I’m a mess. My eyes are watering, I’ve got a nasal drip and my blood sugar is SCARY LOW (50) so I’ve been binge-eating Wal-Mart glucose tablets (the raspberry ones) for the last 20 minutes. I wish I had a Marcytini but this would involve a round-trip to the kitchen and I’m not sure I can walk that far because HYPOGLYCEMIA. So I’ll annoy you instead.

A surge protector will solve all my problems and everything will be perfect for the rest of my life.

In this post: Taste buds, shopping, a Putz of the Week.

I’ve got so much monumental news to tell you I almost don’t know where to start, so I thought I’d just divide this post into neatly-labeled paragraphs to help you go with the flow. Thank you.

The South Pacific Marcytini is my standard recipe with sugar-free Hawaiian Punch powder mixed in.

In this post: Kvetching, drinking, shopping.

Hi, people. The big news story from Howdygram headquarters? Lowe’s called yesterday afternoon and OUR NEW WHIRLPOOL WATER HEATER (pictured at left) is finally in stock and ready for installation! All I can say is, HOLY CRAP and we’re damn lucky we weren’t having a hot water emergency around here because we waited 17 days for this thing. Lowe’s says the contractor will get in touch with us Tuesday morning to set up our appointment. Oh boy, right?

The New Jersey dirtbags are headed to prison.

In this post: Very important things.

This is a day full of very important things, which I’ll list for you below in no particular order whatsoever.

A BIG FEDEX DELIVERY. Today’s wonderful load of crap includes three separate shipments from Wal-Mart featuring Snyder’s honey & mustard pretzels for Sam, Hormel roast beef hash, convenient little bags of StarKist tuna, Spam, six jars of Mezzetta spicy veggies — carrots! cauliflower! celery! nuclear peppers! — and a box of Ziploc gallon storage bags. Wondering how come I buy these things online? It’s because I’ve got a variety of lousy mobility issues, I haven’t set foot inside a supermarket for about five years and Sam hates grocery shopping. So now you can stop worrying about this, okay? (Thank you.)

I’ve got a complete home medical center. I probably qualify as a service provider under Obamacare.

In this post: Shopping addendum, medical supplies, early voting, Einsteins.

Yo. Here’s a brief but interesting Wal-Mart shopping update to the Wal-Mart shopping update in my last post. I just ordered one more set of the same really nice wrinkle-free 500-thread-count king-size sheets, this time in ivory, plus four boxes of individually-wrapped alcohol wipey things and — glorioski! — I finally remembered to try Wal-Mart’s store brand quart- and gallon-size kitchen storage bags.

Terror lurks behind every corner.

In this post: Breakfast, appliances, shopping.

Good morning, people. It’s 7:30 a.m., Sam is on his way downtown for jury duty and I’m considering braunschweiger for breakfast or a Schwan’s microwave omelet. I’ll let you decide, okay? Click here to vote now!